Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Batman Begins Forever - full transcript
Bam! Biff! Pow! Zoom!
Boom! Kachow!
Uh, these are just some
of the noises you'll hear
when I beat your shockingly flat ass...
...if you don't spill
where the hell Frank is.
Who's Frank?
You know damn well
who Frank is,
and you better squeal,
Richie Rich.
- You won't kill me.
- Oh, and why's that?
Dead men tell no tales.
Oh, we'll see.
Ahh! Damn it!
You don't wanna talk, huh? Huh?
Oh, we've got ways
to make you talk, pal.
Ivy, how do we make him talk?
We have tried everything.
We need help.
You know, I too
used to have a temper problem.
But with the help
of Mayor Joker's
Passions, Not Prisons
reform program,
I found an outlet
for my judgmental rage,
hosting this very
self-help podcast.
All right, next caller.
Hey, Doctor Psycho!
Uh, first time,
long time, uh...
- My name is... Reign.
- Oh.
- And I am having a personal crisis.
- Mm-hmm.
Do I serve vengeance upon my
foes in a merciless shower of death?
Oh.
Or do I let it go and...
and buy another pasta maker?
Well, Reign, that's a big Q,
and one I will answer
after this ad.
Folks, why should Superman
be the only one
with great underpants?
With new LexFlex technology,
Lex...
Ah, Great!
You ruined a perfectly clean
ad read, you shithead!
We'd literally come
to anyone else if we could,
but we need your help, Psycho.
We need you, Doctor Psycho.
I'm listening.
Honestly, I learned
more from watching Frasier
than I did
from all of med school.
Shark! Ey!
Okay, this is so embarrassing,
but I honestly can't recall
your name.
It's Clayface.
No, I'd remember
if it's that stupid.
I got a client
with a similar kink.
Woo, it's not for me,
but I get the broader appeal.
Oh, hell no!
You didn't say you wanted to go
into Bruce Wayne's mind.
He's the point-zero-one
percent.
They're the real freaks.
Psycho, we're begging ya.
He stole Frank!
All right, I'll do it.
On one condition.
I want Harley
to guest on my pod.
That's right! She's a real get.
Besides, I'm getting crushed
in downloads
by Killer Croc's weepy
memoir show, I need the ratings.
Oh, I'm behind on Thick Skin.
So, please no spoilers.
All right, Quinn.
You in or what?
Yeah, whatever.
Thank you.
My producer Ben
will be in touch.
All right, let's do this.
Assume the position.
Look, I'm out
of motion-sickness pills,
so I volunteer
to watch the bodies.
All right, kids. It's showtime!
Ma-ma-ma-mamacita!
- Shit, that hurts.
- Where are we?
Where is his Museum of
Memories, like in my brain?
All I see is Gotham,
but grittier.
Okay, where can we find
his latest memories?
Like, the most recent ones?
I don't know. Ask them.
Egad! It's him.
The reason we came.
- Frank?
- No!
Thomas Wayne!
And do my eyes deceive me
or has he a mustache?
What other secrets
has he been hiding?
There is so much I can learn from
watching the man I shall be portraying
on the most important night
of his life:
His death!
Any minute
he'll walk into Crime Alley,
and then so too
will his murderer!
Right, it's Joe Cool!
No, that's Joe Chill.
Joe Cool is when Snoopy wears
those, like, sunglasses
and pretends
to be a college student.
I thought Joe Cool was the camel
that sold cigarettes to children.
No, That's Joe Camel,
and he doesn't...
Great. We missed it.
Now they're dead.
Too busy arguing
about fucking Snoopy.
Bruce!
Where the hell is Frank?
Ive, it's not happening. He's
in a state of extreme trauma.
I'm also a doctor, and I second
everything she just said.
Okay, so then
this memory is useless.
We need to find
a more recent one ASAP
and then see Frank
for ourselves.
All right.
Well, let's take his ride.
Where to, Master Not-Wayne?
Bruce's latest memory,
and step on it!
As soon as we get to
the memory, we then need to...
Ow! Fuck!
We've arrived.
Wait, what's going on here?
What is this?
Huh...
So, uh...
Oh, were his parents murdered?
I'm not quite getting it.
Could you show us
a thousand more fucking times?
Oh, man, I cannot believe
we are being subjected to this
multiple times.
I've only read about this
in journals.
Yeah, but what is this?
This is
a reverse-repressed memory,
meaning Bruce Wayne's repressed
every memory in his life,
except this one.
He's forever stuck
in a memory loop
of his parents' murder.
God,
it's hard not to feel sorry for the kid.
Well, guess what, I don't feel anything
for him because the fucker stole Frank.
Let's be honest, you don't really
need me for this part, so uno momento.
Oh, Mr. Wayne. A word, perhaps?
Oh, Mr. Wayne!
Ugh, come on. So close.
I was wondering if you could
answer a few questions about...
Jesus! God!
Thomas, help me
get into character.
How are you feeling
just moments before your death?
My what?
You know what, this is my bad.
You know why?
Because I actually thought that
you could be useful, you useless fuck.
Harley, you need to deal with
your woman, she's being a little...
Harley?
Are you shitting me?
Oof!
Close your eyes, kid.
Why the hell did you do that?
I thought if I stopped the kid
from crying, he could help us.
Oh, God! Didn't you learn
anything from last time?
You can't mess
with a memory,
or else...
I beg you, Mr. Wayne,
with your final breath,
tell me your life's motivation.
What is your rosebud?
My rosebud is...
is also a... sle...
A what? A what?
Also, a sleee what?
A what? A what?
How'd it go?
I must call James Gunn
immediately.
Harley?
Harley!
Why... Why isn't she waking up?
We need to go back in,
we need to save her right now.
Nope, it's not gonna happen.
Bruce's brain is on lockdown,
but his subconscious must
still want Harley for something.
The only way out now
is from the inside.
Harley is on her own.
Oh, my God. What if...
What if Joe Chill shoots her?
Die in the head, die for real.
The rules have stayed very
consistent every time we do this.
Please be okay, Harley.
Please be okay.
God, you're heavy!
Okay. I know a fun game.
Hey! Hey, how about...
How about you focus yourself
and you try and think
of a different memory.
Preferably a happy one
with, like, no murderers.
Uh, maybe mini-golf,
or how about a merry go round?
All I see is darkness.
Okay. Come on, kid.
We're improvising.
Ugh!
Oh!
Hey, you okay, kid?
- Where are we?
- The darkness.
Yeah, so if this is gonna work,
I'm gonna need ya
to not go all creepy-kid-
in-a-horror-movie on me, okay?
- Bats are scary.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
Hey, I know you're going
through a lot right now.
But see, I got this friend
named Frank that's missing,
and I wanna make sure
he's okay.
Maybe you've seen him?
I don't know.
The fact that you can't even
look at me kinda says you do.
My parents told me
not to talk to strangers.
Yeah, well, they're...
gone now, so you can trust me.
I don't trust clowns
with secrets.
I am barely
clown-themed anymore,
I just think
I look hot like this.
I mean, check how good these
bootie shorts make my ass look, right?
Never mind, you're eight, okay.
I just wanna go home.
Hey, let's make a deal:
If I help you get back home, will
you show me where my friend is?
There we go.
See? I'm not a clown,
I'm a friend.
Hey, look. It's you. We must
have found your memories.
Why do we fall down,
Master Bruce?
To pick ourselves up?
Yes. That's what
I was going to say.
Aww, look at you,
you little Grumpy Gus.
Yeah, that was
at my parents' funeral.
Oh.
Ugh! Always a white billionaire
coming to a group of Himalayan
monk-ninjas and forcing them to train him.
What a dickhead.
Oh, no offense.
As a man,
I'm flesh and blood.
I can be ignored.
I can be destroyed.
But as a symbol, as a really cool,
very gritty, super-serious symbol,
I can be incorruptible,
I can be everlasting.
You know, you grow up
to have a real savior complex.
Who do you think you are?
You don't sound like
Bruce Wayne there.
You sound like...
Holy shit. You're...
I'm Batman.
Hmm.
Alfred! Are the ears too big?
I think they're too big.
How could Bruce be Batman?
I mean, sure,
he's the richest man in Gotham,
so that explains
all the vehicles.
And he's always going missing
at big galas when villains show up.
Okay, come to think of it,
it's very obvious.
Wait till you hear
who Superman is.
Come on!
Okay, I'm not comfortable
with whatever this is.
Look, Harley likes it
when I play with her hair.
I don't know. I'm just... At
least I'm trying something, right?
And not just playing video
games in the goddamn corner.
How dare you? Look, video games
are how I deal with stress.
If I stop playing,
I'll start thinking,
and if I start thinking,
I will freak the...
I cannot take this stress right
now. I will be in my kingdom.
What the hell was that?
I had a few weird years.
I always thought Batman
was a stick in the mud,
but seeing everything
you've done
all shmushed together like that
is impressive.
And honestly, kinda inspiring.
But, you know, if you truly
wanted to help Gotham,
why not start
with affordable housing?
People pay for housing?
Kid!
Holy sanitized curse word!
Oh, how cute.
The songbird's afraid to swear.
Ugh, you used to be
such a fudging pill.
Wait.
Firework rocket, tied-up Robin,
smell of fried Oreos and vomit.
Oh, I remember this night!
What should we do with Batsie's
little sidekick, puddin'?
Oh, no!
I think we ought a teach him
some manners, Mistah J.
Ugh.
She's just so beautiful.
God! You put your tongue
in that?
Psycho, if you aren't here
to help Harley,
you need to get out
of the goddamn house.
Well, I'm starting to feel
not welcome here,
so fine by me.
Huzzah! We saved the movie!
We can CGI
the moustache in post.
That's not good.
You're disgusting.
All this destruction
and mayhem for what?
Do you really like that?
Mr. J likes it.
Whatever he likes, I like.
Ugh! And the accent,
oh, my God, so heavy.
Girl, ease it down.
- Who do you think you are?
- Not you. Not anymore.
I think Robin's lost
his marbles.
Someday you'll get
with the love of your life,
and you'll see how foolish
you been all those years.
Too bad you'll miss
the wedding.
We haven't talked
about marriage yet!
Put me down for the fish.
You're not supposed
to order the fish.
They just put it on the menu
to not seem cheap.
Ugh. Get a room.
And some self-esteem.
Ahh! My ear!
Oh, my God, that is so cruel.
Hey, you never told me stopping
baddies was this much fun.
Being a hero's supposed
to be lame.
It has its moments.
Costume looks good
on you, Quinn.
You don't think the shorts
are too short?
I know I like to show off a little
something, but come on, this is a thong.
I say we skip
to the grand finale?
I hear it's a real bang!
Holy post-traumatic-
stress-disorder Batman!
He's trying to taint
your memories.
Do I have your verbal consent to
become your licensed therapist?
I'm gonna take that as a yes,
so you can't ever sue me.
Don't think about him.
Close your eyes,
cross your hands like this.
You're doing great.
Now think about somewhere
you feel safe.
A memory where you felt
truly happy.
No criminals.
No bats.
Just happy.
There you go.
Now check in with your senses.
Think about what you're
smelling. What you're hearing.
What you're feeling.
Incredible first session. Will you
be paying this co-pay now or later?
Yeah, rich people insurance
doesn't have co-pays.
Ahh, this country's
so fucked up.
This is your safe space, huh?
It's the last Christmas
we had together. Before...
Those are for Santa.
Ah, I'll take the heat
from Tim Allen.
Mm?
In here.
Well, kid, unless you have
your utility belt under there,
I don't think
we're getting out of this one.
I was wrong.
You're not scary
like that other clown.
I don't wanna lie anymore.
I stole your friend. It was me.
Frank? Yeah, I know.
He's the key. He's the one who'll
make the bad man disappear.
Whoa, slow down.
What do you mean?
I took him first 'cause I saw Ivy
was up to no good on the cameras.
You could see us on Cat Woman's
security cameras.
Ew. You were perving?
No, I was being a hero.
I had to stop your plan.
But then I realized
that the plant could do more.
It could bring mommies and daddies
back from the dead. It'll fix everything.
Frank resurrects plants,
he can't bring back people.
He can now. I changed him.
- How?
- Science?
Hey, give me back the kid!
You don't have to be afraid
of him, Bruce.
He is just another masked
asshole in a city full of 'em.
Too afraid to even
show his face.
Okay, I've got, like, a million
questions. But mostly, what?
He didn't tell you
why I'm here?
The reason I sit all night
by the window waiting,
begging for the Bat-Signal
to appear.
The reason I became Batman.
Everyone knows
your parents were murdered.
It's pretty well-worn territory
at this point.
But they don't know
that it was my fault.
That night, Father wanted me
to attend a shareholders meeting,
but I begged he take us
to the movies,
The Mark of Zorro.
I came out of that theater
exhilarated, inspired, even.
So much so I refused
to take the limo back.
I wanted us to walk home.
Through Crime Alley.
To think all this trauma
from an Antonio Banderas film.
No, that's the '90s one,
I'm talking about the black
and white... It doesn't matter.
Everything I do as Batman is
to make that one night right.
Yet it's never enough,
so I must never forget.
That is my penance.
My bat-shaped cross to bear.
Moving on
doesn't mean forgetting.
It means healing. And as your
therapist, I promised to help you heal.
Either you give up the kid so
he can return to Crime Alley,
or I shoot you dead.
Your call, Quinn.
I thought your rule
was no guns.
I mean, the real me is against
it, but the mind me is flexible.
Help me.
I will.
But I can't help you in here.
I need to talk to the real you,
it's too fucked up in here.
Come on, champ.
Let's go watch our parents die.
It's what we deserve.
Like I said, very fucked up.
Don't tell my secret.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Oh, my God! Ive...
W... Were we always
in Wayne Manor?
No.
Wayne hired those fucking
latchkey Bat-kids to do his dirty work.
Didn't even realize Batman
was such a fucking sell-out.
I know what you're gonna do!
But, Bruce,
you can't undo your trauma.
You have to work through it.
It's hard, and it's scary,
but it's the best thing
you'll ever do.
I'm sorry, what?
I think we missed
something big.
Why should I trust you?
'Cause I promised a little boy
I'd help, and I will.
You saw everything. This is
the only way out of the dark.
Hey, Harley,
what is he doing with Frank?
He...
He modified Frank's
resurrection powers.
He's gonna bring back
his dead parents.
- Yeah, that's not good.
- Ha! A post-credit scene to my biopic.
I mean, oh... Bad idea.
Wait, that's...
It's not possible!
I mean, there's no way
he could've...
Hang on. Is...
I mean, is that possible?
You're back!
Frasier theme-style music playing...
♪ Oooh, scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Dead parents! ♪
♪ La, la, la, trees! Pussy! ♪
Goodnight, Gotham!
Boom! Kachow!
Uh, these are just some
of the noises you'll hear
when I beat your shockingly flat ass...
...if you don't spill
where the hell Frank is.
Who's Frank?
You know damn well
who Frank is,
and you better squeal,
Richie Rich.
- You won't kill me.
- Oh, and why's that?
Dead men tell no tales.
Oh, we'll see.
Ahh! Damn it!
You don't wanna talk, huh? Huh?
Oh, we've got ways
to make you talk, pal.
Ivy, how do we make him talk?
We have tried everything.
We need help.
You know, I too
used to have a temper problem.
But with the help
of Mayor Joker's
Passions, Not Prisons
reform program,
I found an outlet
for my judgmental rage,
hosting this very
self-help podcast.
All right, next caller.
Hey, Doctor Psycho!
Uh, first time,
long time, uh...
- My name is... Reign.
- Oh.
- And I am having a personal crisis.
- Mm-hmm.
Do I serve vengeance upon my
foes in a merciless shower of death?
Oh.
Or do I let it go and...
and buy another pasta maker?
Well, Reign, that's a big Q,
and one I will answer
after this ad.
Folks, why should Superman
be the only one
with great underpants?
With new LexFlex technology,
Lex...
Ah, Great!
You ruined a perfectly clean
ad read, you shithead!
We'd literally come
to anyone else if we could,
but we need your help, Psycho.
We need you, Doctor Psycho.
I'm listening.
Honestly, I learned
more from watching Frasier
than I did
from all of med school.
Shark! Ey!
Okay, this is so embarrassing,
but I honestly can't recall
your name.
It's Clayface.
No, I'd remember
if it's that stupid.
I got a client
with a similar kink.
Woo, it's not for me,
but I get the broader appeal.
Oh, hell no!
You didn't say you wanted to go
into Bruce Wayne's mind.
He's the point-zero-one
percent.
They're the real freaks.
Psycho, we're begging ya.
He stole Frank!
All right, I'll do it.
On one condition.
I want Harley
to guest on my pod.
That's right! She's a real get.
Besides, I'm getting crushed
in downloads
by Killer Croc's weepy
memoir show, I need the ratings.
Oh, I'm behind on Thick Skin.
So, please no spoilers.
All right, Quinn.
You in or what?
Yeah, whatever.
Thank you.
My producer Ben
will be in touch.
All right, let's do this.
Assume the position.
Look, I'm out
of motion-sickness pills,
so I volunteer
to watch the bodies.
All right, kids. It's showtime!
Ma-ma-ma-mamacita!
- Shit, that hurts.
- Where are we?
Where is his Museum of
Memories, like in my brain?
All I see is Gotham,
but grittier.
Okay, where can we find
his latest memories?
Like, the most recent ones?
I don't know. Ask them.
Egad! It's him.
The reason we came.
- Frank?
- No!
Thomas Wayne!
And do my eyes deceive me
or has he a mustache?
What other secrets
has he been hiding?
There is so much I can learn from
watching the man I shall be portraying
on the most important night
of his life:
His death!
Any minute
he'll walk into Crime Alley,
and then so too
will his murderer!
Right, it's Joe Cool!
No, that's Joe Chill.
Joe Cool is when Snoopy wears
those, like, sunglasses
and pretends
to be a college student.
I thought Joe Cool was the camel
that sold cigarettes to children.
No, That's Joe Camel,
and he doesn't...
Great. We missed it.
Now they're dead.
Too busy arguing
about fucking Snoopy.
Bruce!
Where the hell is Frank?
Ive, it's not happening. He's
in a state of extreme trauma.
I'm also a doctor, and I second
everything she just said.
Okay, so then
this memory is useless.
We need to find
a more recent one ASAP
and then see Frank
for ourselves.
All right.
Well, let's take his ride.
Where to, Master Not-Wayne?
Bruce's latest memory,
and step on it!
As soon as we get to
the memory, we then need to...
Ow! Fuck!
We've arrived.
Wait, what's going on here?
What is this?
Huh...
So, uh...
Oh, were his parents murdered?
I'm not quite getting it.
Could you show us
a thousand more fucking times?
Oh, man, I cannot believe
we are being subjected to this
multiple times.
I've only read about this
in journals.
Yeah, but what is this?
This is
a reverse-repressed memory,
meaning Bruce Wayne's repressed
every memory in his life,
except this one.
He's forever stuck
in a memory loop
of his parents' murder.
God,
it's hard not to feel sorry for the kid.
Well, guess what, I don't feel anything
for him because the fucker stole Frank.
Let's be honest, you don't really
need me for this part, so uno momento.
Oh, Mr. Wayne. A word, perhaps?
Oh, Mr. Wayne!
Ugh, come on. So close.
I was wondering if you could
answer a few questions about...
Jesus! God!
Thomas, help me
get into character.
How are you feeling
just moments before your death?
My what?
You know what, this is my bad.
You know why?
Because I actually thought that
you could be useful, you useless fuck.
Harley, you need to deal with
your woman, she's being a little...
Harley?
Are you shitting me?
Oof!
Close your eyes, kid.
Why the hell did you do that?
I thought if I stopped the kid
from crying, he could help us.
Oh, God! Didn't you learn
anything from last time?
You can't mess
with a memory,
or else...
I beg you, Mr. Wayne,
with your final breath,
tell me your life's motivation.
What is your rosebud?
My rosebud is...
is also a... sle...
A what? A what?
Also, a sleee what?
A what? A what?
How'd it go?
I must call James Gunn
immediately.
Harley?
Harley!
Why... Why isn't she waking up?
We need to go back in,
we need to save her right now.
Nope, it's not gonna happen.
Bruce's brain is on lockdown,
but his subconscious must
still want Harley for something.
The only way out now
is from the inside.
Harley is on her own.
Oh, my God. What if...
What if Joe Chill shoots her?
Die in the head, die for real.
The rules have stayed very
consistent every time we do this.
Please be okay, Harley.
Please be okay.
God, you're heavy!
Okay. I know a fun game.
Hey! Hey, how about...
How about you focus yourself
and you try and think
of a different memory.
Preferably a happy one
with, like, no murderers.
Uh, maybe mini-golf,
or how about a merry go round?
All I see is darkness.
Okay. Come on, kid.
We're improvising.
Ugh!
Oh!
Hey, you okay, kid?
- Where are we?
- The darkness.
Yeah, so if this is gonna work,
I'm gonna need ya
to not go all creepy-kid-
in-a-horror-movie on me, okay?
- Bats are scary.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
Hey, I know you're going
through a lot right now.
But see, I got this friend
named Frank that's missing,
and I wanna make sure
he's okay.
Maybe you've seen him?
I don't know.
The fact that you can't even
look at me kinda says you do.
My parents told me
not to talk to strangers.
Yeah, well, they're...
gone now, so you can trust me.
I don't trust clowns
with secrets.
I am barely
clown-themed anymore,
I just think
I look hot like this.
I mean, check how good these
bootie shorts make my ass look, right?
Never mind, you're eight, okay.
I just wanna go home.
Hey, let's make a deal:
If I help you get back home, will
you show me where my friend is?
There we go.
See? I'm not a clown,
I'm a friend.
Hey, look. It's you. We must
have found your memories.
Why do we fall down,
Master Bruce?
To pick ourselves up?
Yes. That's what
I was going to say.
Aww, look at you,
you little Grumpy Gus.
Yeah, that was
at my parents' funeral.
Oh.
Ugh! Always a white billionaire
coming to a group of Himalayan
monk-ninjas and forcing them to train him.
What a dickhead.
Oh, no offense.
As a man,
I'm flesh and blood.
I can be ignored.
I can be destroyed.
But as a symbol, as a really cool,
very gritty, super-serious symbol,
I can be incorruptible,
I can be everlasting.
You know, you grow up
to have a real savior complex.
Who do you think you are?
You don't sound like
Bruce Wayne there.
You sound like...
Holy shit. You're...
I'm Batman.
Hmm.
Alfred! Are the ears too big?
I think they're too big.
How could Bruce be Batman?
I mean, sure,
he's the richest man in Gotham,
so that explains
all the vehicles.
And he's always going missing
at big galas when villains show up.
Okay, come to think of it,
it's very obvious.
Wait till you hear
who Superman is.
Come on!
Okay, I'm not comfortable
with whatever this is.
Look, Harley likes it
when I play with her hair.
I don't know. I'm just... At
least I'm trying something, right?
And not just playing video
games in the goddamn corner.
How dare you? Look, video games
are how I deal with stress.
If I stop playing,
I'll start thinking,
and if I start thinking,
I will freak the...
I cannot take this stress right
now. I will be in my kingdom.
What the hell was that?
I had a few weird years.
I always thought Batman
was a stick in the mud,
but seeing everything
you've done
all shmushed together like that
is impressive.
And honestly, kinda inspiring.
But, you know, if you truly
wanted to help Gotham,
why not start
with affordable housing?
People pay for housing?
Kid!
Holy sanitized curse word!
Oh, how cute.
The songbird's afraid to swear.
Ugh, you used to be
such a fudging pill.
Wait.
Firework rocket, tied-up Robin,
smell of fried Oreos and vomit.
Oh, I remember this night!
What should we do with Batsie's
little sidekick, puddin'?
Oh, no!
I think we ought a teach him
some manners, Mistah J.
Ugh.
She's just so beautiful.
God! You put your tongue
in that?
Psycho, if you aren't here
to help Harley,
you need to get out
of the goddamn house.
Well, I'm starting to feel
not welcome here,
so fine by me.
Huzzah! We saved the movie!
We can CGI
the moustache in post.
That's not good.
You're disgusting.
All this destruction
and mayhem for what?
Do you really like that?
Mr. J likes it.
Whatever he likes, I like.
Ugh! And the accent,
oh, my God, so heavy.
Girl, ease it down.
- Who do you think you are?
- Not you. Not anymore.
I think Robin's lost
his marbles.
Someday you'll get
with the love of your life,
and you'll see how foolish
you been all those years.
Too bad you'll miss
the wedding.
We haven't talked
about marriage yet!
Put me down for the fish.
You're not supposed
to order the fish.
They just put it on the menu
to not seem cheap.
Ugh. Get a room.
And some self-esteem.
Ahh! My ear!
Oh, my God, that is so cruel.
Hey, you never told me stopping
baddies was this much fun.
Being a hero's supposed
to be lame.
It has its moments.
Costume looks good
on you, Quinn.
You don't think the shorts
are too short?
I know I like to show off a little
something, but come on, this is a thong.
I say we skip
to the grand finale?
I hear it's a real bang!
Holy post-traumatic-
stress-disorder Batman!
He's trying to taint
your memories.
Do I have your verbal consent to
become your licensed therapist?
I'm gonna take that as a yes,
so you can't ever sue me.
Don't think about him.
Close your eyes,
cross your hands like this.
You're doing great.
Now think about somewhere
you feel safe.
A memory where you felt
truly happy.
No criminals.
No bats.
Just happy.
There you go.
Now check in with your senses.
Think about what you're
smelling. What you're hearing.
What you're feeling.
Incredible first session. Will you
be paying this co-pay now or later?
Yeah, rich people insurance
doesn't have co-pays.
Ahh, this country's
so fucked up.
This is your safe space, huh?
It's the last Christmas
we had together. Before...
Those are for Santa.
Ah, I'll take the heat
from Tim Allen.
Mm?
In here.
Well, kid, unless you have
your utility belt under there,
I don't think
we're getting out of this one.
I was wrong.
You're not scary
like that other clown.
I don't wanna lie anymore.
I stole your friend. It was me.
Frank? Yeah, I know.
He's the key. He's the one who'll
make the bad man disappear.
Whoa, slow down.
What do you mean?
I took him first 'cause I saw Ivy
was up to no good on the cameras.
You could see us on Cat Woman's
security cameras.
Ew. You were perving?
No, I was being a hero.
I had to stop your plan.
But then I realized
that the plant could do more.
It could bring mommies and daddies
back from the dead. It'll fix everything.
Frank resurrects plants,
he can't bring back people.
He can now. I changed him.
- How?
- Science?
Hey, give me back the kid!
You don't have to be afraid
of him, Bruce.
He is just another masked
asshole in a city full of 'em.
Too afraid to even
show his face.
Okay, I've got, like, a million
questions. But mostly, what?
He didn't tell you
why I'm here?
The reason I sit all night
by the window waiting,
begging for the Bat-Signal
to appear.
The reason I became Batman.
Everyone knows
your parents were murdered.
It's pretty well-worn territory
at this point.
But they don't know
that it was my fault.
That night, Father wanted me
to attend a shareholders meeting,
but I begged he take us
to the movies,
The Mark of Zorro.
I came out of that theater
exhilarated, inspired, even.
So much so I refused
to take the limo back.
I wanted us to walk home.
Through Crime Alley.
To think all this trauma
from an Antonio Banderas film.
No, that's the '90s one,
I'm talking about the black
and white... It doesn't matter.
Everything I do as Batman is
to make that one night right.
Yet it's never enough,
so I must never forget.
That is my penance.
My bat-shaped cross to bear.
Moving on
doesn't mean forgetting.
It means healing. And as your
therapist, I promised to help you heal.
Either you give up the kid so
he can return to Crime Alley,
or I shoot you dead.
Your call, Quinn.
I thought your rule
was no guns.
I mean, the real me is against
it, but the mind me is flexible.
Help me.
I will.
But I can't help you in here.
I need to talk to the real you,
it's too fucked up in here.
Come on, champ.
Let's go watch our parents die.
It's what we deserve.
Like I said, very fucked up.
Don't tell my secret.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.
Oh, my God! Ive...
W... Were we always
in Wayne Manor?
No.
Wayne hired those fucking
latchkey Bat-kids to do his dirty work.
Didn't even realize Batman
was such a fucking sell-out.
I know what you're gonna do!
But, Bruce,
you can't undo your trauma.
You have to work through it.
It's hard, and it's scary,
but it's the best thing
you'll ever do.
I'm sorry, what?
I think we missed
something big.
Why should I trust you?
'Cause I promised a little boy
I'd help, and I will.
You saw everything. This is
the only way out of the dark.
Hey, Harley,
what is he doing with Frank?
He...
He modified Frank's
resurrection powers.
He's gonna bring back
his dead parents.
- Yeah, that's not good.
- Ha! A post-credit scene to my biopic.
I mean, oh... Bad idea.
Wait, that's...
It's not possible!
I mean, there's no way
he could've...
Hang on. Is...
I mean, is that possible?
You're back!
Frasier theme-style music playing...
♪ Oooh, scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Dead parents! ♪
♪ La, la, la, trees! Pussy! ♪
Goodnight, Gotham!