Harley Quinn (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - A Thief, A Mole, An Orgy - full transcript

[car honking]

- Hey, the guys and I were thinking...
- [sighs]

...of heading to
Mama Macaroni's

Whoo! Those garlic knots slap!

Don't get me wrong.
I love me some Mama Mac's.

That pomodoro turns me
into a pomowhoro,

but one day of pure focus

and we're going to be ready
to terraform Gotham

into paradise.

Uh, so Frank
"rising from the ashes reborn"

wasn't the key? He's floating.



Oh, I'm all-powerful.

Check this shit out.

Hmm, ahh.

- Take that, take all of that!
- [Harley] Wow!

Very cool, Frank.
But in this current state,

he can
only pollinate this area.

Please, I can easily get down
with all of Gotham's flora.

No dick mist needed!
You feel me?

Hey, Frank, you're asexual,
so you'd be fucking yourself.

Well, I know I can do that!

Any-hiddly-diddly,

I just need to increase Frank's
seed production tenfold.

And I'm so close.
So if you could just...

He did it! By God, he did it!



Hey, Sy! Sy!

Aye, all this yelling
reminds me

of Kim Jon Il's
real funeral back in '98.

I downloaded Sy
into Cat woman's Smart home.

He can access
the entire Internet.

Ask him anything.

Who makes the best burger?

Who won best actor
for the 1991 Olivier's?

The horse, Sea biscuit,
and a gay man.

- Amazing.
- He's good.

Ive, ask him something.

Those are also the things
that I wanted to know.

So if you guys could just...

There's 37 other rooms in
this house, I'm just trying a...

[takes a deep breath and sighs]

It's okay, Frank.
I'm fine. I don't need...

Okay, don't stop. That actually
feels really good.

[theme music playing]

- [piercing noise]
- Ahh!

[metal music playing]

Oh, my God.

[metal music continues]

[music playing louder]

Harley!

[loud music continues]

What the hell is this?

Uh, just the first practice
of Gotham's soon to be

greatest Progressive
Alien Death core Band.

We are called The Blackened
Pains of Zeerathan!

Death of Harroc
can suck both my dicks.

Oh, they're currently
the best PAD band in Gotham.

Don't need the acronym
explained or repeated to me,

but it is like a touch loud.

Do you want us to turn it down?

I mean, if it doesn't ruin
the vibe or whatever.

- You know.
- [Harley] There we go.

Hey, Ive, you're going
to kick science's ass!

Yes. Rock on.

[distorted music
and drums playing]

[sighs]

Hmm.

- [Ivy sighs]
- Oh, I'm seeing something.

Wait, I'm saying it's just
you being a little bitch

and not telling Harley
she's being freaking annoying.

Frank, I like
to employ a tactic

called judicious transparency
in my relationships.

Yeah, yeah, I heard of that.

It's called
being a little bitch.

Hey, a big part
of being in a relationship

is not always telling
the exact truth.

And that way
you can get what you need

without hurting
anyone's feelings.

Also, I just blew up
our last place,

so I don't really feel like
being the bad guy right now.

[microphone feedback]

- Oh, my God.
- Well,

you better do something

or you're going to blow
this place up, too.

[sighs] Ugh.

♪ Ivy is so smart ♪

♪ But she's no science wussy ♪

♪ And in celebration ♪

♪ I'm gonna eat her puss... ♪

Oh, hey, babe.

Yeah! Whoo!

Obviously, and it
goes without saying,

I think it's amazing
that you started a band.

The thing is, um...

[cat meows]

Cat woman just texted me

and she said that
the instruments she stole

when visiting the legendary
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

induction ceremony in 2012,
are off-limits. Dang it!

Ah! 2012. A great year for me

and my fellow
Cosimo Mat ass a Stanleys.

Ugh! Cat woman
is such a buzzkill.

Oh, I know! It's like
the buzzkilliest.

If it was up to me,
I would so let you guys

just shred... ass.

But, you know,
she's letting us stay here,

so we just have to accept it.

- Ugh.
- Ugh, stupid rules.

Yeah, uh. [Sighs]

Um, since we
can't play anymore,

could someone get me down?

[announcer] This election,
stick with the mayor

because he's
sticking it out for us.

We're getting
crushed in the polls!

How is that possible?

Guy can't even piss on his own.

How's he supposed
to run the city?

Eh, he's playing the coma card.

Well, our internals
show 57% of voters

think it's "mean"

you're running against
someone in a coma.

Ah! But the other 43
are with us?

No. 20 said they wish
"you were the one in the coma."

Feels like
an unnecessary detail.

And another 15 said,

"I don't get carpool karaoke,

they just sing along
to songs in a car."

Clearly they thought we were
asking about James Corden.

But regardless,
it's not looking good.

All I've done for this city
and this is what I get?

Maybe change things up.

Be more Jim
and less Commissioner

Bingo. I need to just get out.

Chat with the youths.

Barbara, you're a cool,
hip, popular young woman.

Gather up 3,000 of your closest
friends for me to talk to.

Dad, I don't really have any...

That many friends.

Yeah. I could
have guessed that.

Damn it! Ow, my pinkie.

Political campaigns
are won with money.

Uh, what about
great policy and hope?

[laughs] Yeah.

No, we need money,
from the filthiest, richest

pieces of shit
the world has to offer.

Carmine Falcone, Ra's al Ghul,

or if we're really lucky,

Henry Kissinger!

That monster isn't dead yet?

God really doesn't exist.

Dad, if you take their money,
you'll be beholden to them.

Run on what you believe in.

Justice! Honor!

The rule of law.

You, Jim Gordon, are enough.

Aww. You really
are my north star.

Okay, so where
are these rich assholes?

[lens clicking]

[Ivy humming]

[Harley humming]

[sighs] Harley,
what are you doing?

Oh, don't mind me.
I'm just gonna use Cat woman's

fancy Japanese toilet.

Have you read it? I haven't
gotten past the cover.

Is it "I Q Eight Four"?

[Toilet] Konnichiwa,
Harley Quinn.

- [mechanical sounds]
- Level.

- Level.
- Ah.

- [laughs]
- [Toilet] I'll do that for you.

[shrieks]

Are you ready to flush?

[Harley screams]

- [under breath] Oh, my God.
- [Toilet] Victory! S-level.

That was spiritual.

Everyone's gotta try this.

- Hey, guys...
- Oh, no.

Another text from Cat woman,

says no one is allowed to use
her special toilet. Ever!

Wait, how did she even know?

Uh, so she has, like,

surveillance cameras
like, everywhere.

I'm so bummed.

I want nothing more
than for all of you

to just go
to the bathroom right near me.

Ahh, stupid Cat woman!

What is the point
of a fancy Japanese toilet

if you don't show it off? Argh.

Oh, that's some weak ass shit.

[inhales and sighs]

[groans] That feline freak.

Watching my every move.

Your free cam show
ends right now!

Argh!

[static sound]

[groans]

[pants heavily]

[laughs]

- [plays piano key]
- [cat meows]

I did it! Whoo!

You diddled
an electrical socket?

What? No! I finished the serum.

- Huzzah!
- All right.

- Feels good.
- Kudos!

- Pollination!
- Feels good.

Oh, I'm so proud of you,
my sexy little scientist.

But seriously,
what is with the hair?

Turns out I made the serum
less explodie,

but not not explodie.

So, Frank's
currently in a fugue state,

producing enough pollen
to cover all of Gotham.

And since we have a couple
of hours before he's ready,

I thought that we would go
for a celebratory dinner

at Mama Macaroni's!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Mama Macaroni's?

[all] Mama Macaroni's!

[singing] ♪ Coming into
my mouth ♪ -♪ Her mouth ♪

♪ Mama Macaroni's ♪

- ♪ Get in the town ♪
- ♪ So good. ♪

- Okay.
- Ah, yes.

Tomorrow we terraform
all of Gotham,

except for Mama Macaroni's.

- Ah, yes.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna bring Frank
his garlic knots.

Frank?

Frank!

Hmm.

- [snoring]
- Sy! Wake up, Sy!

- [mumbling]
- Did you see anything?

I'm plugged in
to the World Wide Web.

What haven't I seen.
Biggest revelation.

A lot of stepmothers
are shtupping their stepson.

No, you horny smoke alarm.

Someone stole Frank.
Did you see anything?

I did not but I will
check the security cameras.

I never should have left.

I never should've
fricking left.

Oh, Ive,

we are going to find
the asshole who did this, okay?

I promise.

- [beeps]
- [Sy] Is there a villain

who looks like a static screen?

I don't think so.

Damn. Well, then
the cameras are broken.

What?

So, whoever broke in knew

exactly where
all the cameras were.

Wow, that is some devious shit.

I think we're
dealing with a genius.

They may be smart
when breaking in,

but they're not smart when
it comes to securely fastening

festive brooches
to their wardrobe.

Wait a second.
I've seen this before.

[gasps] And I know
who can help us.

How'd you come up
with the answer?

I don't know.

Maybe because my son
can count to fricking seven!

I hate this common core!

[chuckles]

No, you keep going, sport.

Papa needs to talk
with his guests,

who decided to drop in
during homework time.

Someone broke into our place
and stole Frank,

but left this behind.

And it is
the same brooch you had.

Ugh, The Court of Owls?

What is that? Is that
like a bird watching club?

Ha! They wish!

It used to be the city's
most exclusive secret society.

Bankrolled some
intensely evil schemes.

Now, it's just a bunch
of old straight white dudes

jerking each other off.

Headphones, Benny!

Where can we find them?

Assuming they haven't
changed their schedule,

they'll be having their
weekly meeting tonight.

Wednesday nights?
You always told me

you were playing softball.

[laughs] I was lying.

What grown man
plays on a softball team?

So, how do we
get into this meeting?

You just need a mask
and the password.

Lucky for you, I have both.

Hmm.

Here we are. Hmm.

Saves me a trip to Goodwill.

And what's the password?

The password is...

"Hoot hoot."

Seriously? That's like using
your name as the password.

Harley, you literally use
your name for every password.

Are you finished?

Well, let's take a look.

Draw a picture
to explain your answer.

Who gives a shit?

Ha!

Oh, sorry, bud,
I had to get that out.

I'll make it up to you.

What do you say
we get some boba?

[dramatic music playing]

You really think one of these
sick assholes has Frank?

Yes. Just play it cool, okay?

[music intensifies]

Hoot Hoot.

Eyes open for anything
suspicious.

[hooting noise]

Okay, everything's already
suspicious.

[hooting continues]

It is time for
the sacrifice, but,

before we get to that,
just a quick announcement.

Due to a number of complaints
from our newer members

about the inhumane sacrifices

we have been performing
for over 100 years,

a goat pinata will play the
role of an actual goat tonight.

- [High Owl] I know, I know.
- [man] Favorite part...

There was nothing I could do.
Okay, here we go.

[screams]

[laughing maniacally]

Now that the God's bloodlust
has been satiated,

we're gonna jump right
into cocktail hour.

Okay, so let's just split up
and search the crowd.

Whoever stole Frank has to be
covered in his pollen.

So let's see if it's one of
these creeps.

You're still hot when you
give orders. Mmm.

All right, just go in there and
charm the hell out of those rich dicks.

Wish you told me
about the mask thing.

Would've worn my sports goggles
from by b-ball days at the rec center.

Forget about
your God damn glasses.

Focus on the mission at hand!

Get that money.

Got it. Just gonna glad-hand
the hell out of...

God dam, son of a... Gun.

- [grunts]
- Hey, watch it.

[glass shatters]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Mr. Owl Man.
Jim Gordon here.

I'm running for
Mayor of Gotham.

We're not supposed to
use names.

Oh! Right, right, right.

Eh, you already know who I am.
So, like I said,

Jim Gordon, running for Mayor.

Crime's rampant and the current mayor
isn't doing a dosh garn thing about it!

- Isn't he in a coma?
- Eh, irrelevant.

This damn mask! It does...
It doesn't fit.

I think my head's too small?
Too... too big?

[gasps]

Wait a rotten ham-hawk,
I know that jaw-line.

That stiff upper lip, those
broad shoulders that look like

they're holding the weight of
the world.

Bruce Wayne. God, it's good to
see a familiar face

- [sighs] Commissioner.
- My God, those shoulders really are so solid.

Guess I shouldn't be too surprised
to see you at this chichi shindig.

I like to keep my eye on
Gotham's elite.

Speaking of Gotham, I'm gonna change the city
and I could really use some of that sweet,

sweet cash that you got
in your pocket.

Also, not to brag, but my good
friend Batman has endorsed me.

- No, he hasn't.
- Well, he hasn't announced it yet,

but it's coming.
Don't you worry.

Gonna figure this mask out then
I'll circle back with you.

Hey, just out of curiosity, what
were you doing about two hours ago?

Teaching my kindergarten class.

Oh, wow,
that's really upsetting.

Hey, I know it was you, Bane.

[clears throat] Who is this
Bane you speak of?

Never heard of him. Though, he
does sound like a pretty cool dude.

Oh, cut the shit. What were you
doing from 5:00 p.m. until now?

Well, 5:00 p.m. on Wednesday
is my standing therapy session.

It was a tough one.
Got into some trust issues.

I think you know why.

You won't give me back
my pasta maker.

- The ultimate betrayal!
- [toilet flushing]

My therapist thinks
we would all benefit

from a group session...
Oh, okay.

So you can use any toilet you
want, but I can't use yours?

Good to see you, too.

But I haven't the faintest idea
what you're talking about.

I know all about you texting Ivy telling
her I can't do anything in your apartment

including use your fancy
Japanese toilet.

[laughs] What would be the point
of stealing a Komon Clean 6000

if I didn't want to
show it off?

Wh... That's what I said!

Hmm, seems like your problem
might be with Ivy, not me.

I... Ivy lied to me?

[cell phone ringing]

- King?
- Why thank you.

Got a clue on our thief.

Okay, 'cause we have not
found shit.

Not every camera was broken.

Our fancy, sexy toilet
has one inside

and snapped a butt pic
of the intruder.

Hang on, so someone broke in,
stole Frank, and took a shit?

I cannot confirm
it was in that order.

Anyway, I did a zoom zoom
and enhanced the tuchus photo.

- Sending it now.
- [cell phone chimes]

[Gags] Is that a mole?

[Sy] Bingo!

And this is all you could find?

Pretty good, considering Harley
bashed in the rest of the cameras.

Wait, what?

[shouting] Pretty good, considering
Harley bashed in the rest of the cameras!

Huh, see this?
I'm a problem solver.

And I'll bring this kind of
ingenuity all the way to City Hall.

Jim, if I give you money,
will you leave me alone?

- You betcha.
- Let me get my checkbook.

[grunts]

So Sy just told me something
really interesting.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That you went full-blown
smashey fit on all of the cameras.

Well, Cat woman told me
the truth about you guys.

Uh... [sighs] So messed up.

Can we please get out of here
before the party gets started?

Oh, I'd say the party has
already started.

[indistinct conversation]

Fine. Get our coats.

I want to luxuriate in their
emotional discord for a second.

Why would you lie to me
about that?

I... I didn't lie about it,
I just didn't say anything.

And look, the last time we
hooked up was, like, four years ago.

Wait, what?

Oh! Okay, we can go.

[glass shattering]

You two used to hook up?

I was talking about
the toilet texts,

but you and that furball
used to hook up?

Let's talk about that!

- Harley...
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't get to "Harley" me. Is
there anyone else I should know about?

Any more shocking sex things
I'm gonna be blindsided with?

[thudding]

- What the hell?
- [eerie music playing]

Let the grand owl orgy begin!
Hoot, hoot!

[all] Hoot, hoot!

[whirring]

[woman moaning]

[all moaning]

[speaking indistinctly]

Honey, let's just forget about
all of this and focus in.

Whoever stole Frank
has this butt mole.

We find this butt mole,

and then we can just drop this
whole thing.

Ooh, there's always a butt mole whenever
we need to talk about something important.

There's nothing more important
to me right now than finding Frank.

There's nothing to talk about.

Sorry to eavesdrop,
but if I'm being honest,

it seems like there is
a lot to talk about.

[grunting]

This part's always tricky.

Could one of you gals help me
to unhook my...

- [both] Not now, Bane.
- [Bane] Oh, okay.

It didn't mean anything,
it was ages ago.

Look, we've got this extremely
convenient gift of nakedness.

Now let's just go
and find this mole.

If it didn't mean anything then
why didn't you tell me?

Maybe I didn't tell you because
I knew this is how you'd react.

Wow. Just wow.

[exhales] Shit!

[water running]

[sigh] Come on, Jimbo,
you got this.

Just talk to a few more people

- and your campaign's back on track.
- [toilet flushing]

Hmm, first-time jitters?

Uh, let me give you
a piece of advice.

Lube, and plenty of it.

Right, gotta grease the wheels,
butter 'em up.

Why the... Ow, why is it so
God damn dark in here?

Looking for money and these assholes
can't even keep the electricity on.

[yells]

Ah, cheese nuts.

The hell is this?
Some kind of Conga line?

Where the hell is it?

Ah, for crying out loud.

Harley...

- [goat bleating]
- [crowd moaning]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

The real reason
I didn't tell you

wasn't because I thought
you'd freak out.

When Cat woman and I hooked up,
I wanted more,

even though it was so obvious
she didn't.

[scoffs] And so,
I waited around,

hoping that she'd
change her mind.

And while I waited, I was just,
like, wrapped around her little finger

and I still cringe every time
I think about it.

Could you please keep your
talking to a dull sexy roar?

- [grunts]
- [groans]

No! Annihilate my taint.

[wheezing]

Anyway, after it finally ended
I felt so pathetic.

I never wanted to think about it
again, and so when you brought it up

I just got defensive and I said
something I shouldn't.

[sighs] Harley, it wasn't
even a real relationship

and I know that because
when we got together,

I knew I'd finally found
what I'd been pining for

all these years.

Cat woman didn't mean
a thing to me.

But you, you, Harley,
you mean everything.

Oh.

[moaning]

[people shouting]

One rule at orgies,
never turn the lights on.

But I was almost done
carbo-loading for the fuckfest.

[smacking]

[crowd moaning]

Ah, hot damn!

What in Satan's asshole?

So you didn't get anyone to
donate to the campaign?

No. But I did get a pretty
sweet selfie with Bruce Wayne.

Maybe put it on a billboard!

Hold on, there's a better one.

Huh, I don't remember
taking those.

[laughs] Oh. Gordon,
you brilliant buffoon!

There's only one thing better
than money.

- Love of a woman?
- What?

No. Blackmail.

And now we have videos
of every major player in Gotham

at some weird
sex cult! [Laughs]

So that means we can put
the selfie on a billboard?

Oh, that and so much more.

[laughing]

[humming]

[groans] Why the fuck
would they do this

on a concrete floor? [Sighs]

I want you to be completely
honest with me

and I will be completely
honest with you.

Here, I'll tell you everyone
I've ever hooked up with.

I'll go from
grossest to hottest.

- Oh, please don't do that.
- Oh.

I'm so glad we worked through
this and everything's okay.

- I mean, Frank is still missing.
- Oh, right, Frank.

Oh, hey. What the... [gasps]

Oh, fuck me! Fuck me!

Theme music playing...