Harlem (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Takesie Backsies - full transcript
Last season on "Harlem."
- Ian was at the club.
- Four years later
and that nigga still
has a hold on you.
Camille,
I'm engaged.
You would be lonely
without me here.
I promise we will
still be besties
even if you do get a job.
So what we doing?
It's "Get Out:
The Musical."
♪ Scrape, click,
scrape, click ♪
Dr. Pruitt from Yale?
Um, I'm one of the adjunct
professors, Camille Parks.
Can I call you back?
That's fine, Dr. Pruitt,
- I'll talk to you later.
- Sorry.
I'm fine.
Tye!
You have several medium
and large fibroids
and a polyp on
your uterine lining.
One of
my panelists is Jameson...
Royce,
the--the social justice guy.
So you wanna fuck a woman?
I am not comfortable
calling it
anything other than
curiosity right now.
I will not endorse you
for this job.
It's over.
Officially, Dr. Pruitt
hired someone for
the associate position.
You know,
you could come with me
to University of Chicago.
"Enclosed is
a cease and desist letter.
The show must not
go on, ever."
This is Brandon Jones,
my husband.
Will you
go on a date with me?
She said yes!
I quit.
I'm out of here.
See you never, Dr. Pruitt.
- Whew!
- Oh, shit!
I've waited for weeks
for you to sign
the divorce papers.
It's obvious
you want money.
You think
this is about money?
Well, fine.
It's about money then.
You said you loved me.
I love you too, Ian.
Welcome back, everybody.
Now, where were we?
The anthropology of time.
Hinduism and some
Eastern cultures
see time as a circle,
with patterns and events,
even lives repeating.
So if time is circular
and patterns repeat,
but then can't we break them?
By making different choices,
can we rewrite history?
Oh, no.
This is so bad.
Hey.
Ian,
close your eyes!
The... it's bad luck
to see the dress
before tomorrow.
OK.
Yeah, OK.
Oh, Mira.
Hey, look, it's...
it's, uh, Mira.
I'm--I'm here because, um,
I, uh, I was with Quinn.
She's dropping off your dress,
as you know,
that you're already holding.
Quinn did a beautiful job.
It's all a dream come true.
Am I really doing this?
What?
Am I pretending
I didn't see you kiss...
Again.
- Kiss? We...
- Don't.
When I saw you two kiss at
that wretched Titanic party,
I thought it was a moment.
It was the part.
It was...
I don't know.
I guess this is
what I deserve
for not saying something.
Moving across the Atlantic
for the man I love,
something, I may add,
Camille wouldn't do for you.
Don't bring her up
right now.
I'm the one
you're mad at.
Um, no, not true.
I would say
pretty equal.
Just...
I have to understand.
Why would you cheat on me
for someone
who didn't think enough
of you and your dreams
to stick by your side?
You told me
Camille was a flake
you could never trust again
because she could only
think of herself.
- You said that?
- He was obviously right.
Who shows up
the night before a wedding
to kiss the fucking groom?
A groom, by the way,
you dumped the same day
you were supposed
to move to Paris together.
Camille, your selfish
destructive timing is nothing
if not perversely consistent.
I am confident
she will do it again
and flake out
and hurt you.
I only hope it's even half
as humiliating for you, Ian,
as this is for me.
What do we do?
I'm sorry about this, Camille.
No, I can't believe
I was this naive
to think this could be
some sweet,
happily ever after.
I feel like
I'm gonna throw up.
Wait, let me just...
let me just...
No, no, no.
I meant what I said.
I love you, Ian.
But to stay here
right now,
in this moment,
it just...
it feels cruel.
Fuck!
Oh, my God,
biggest news ever!
Bet I could top it.
Oh, my gosh, so...
super connected Mira
loved my design so much
that she got her best friend
who is, of course,
an editor at "Vogue"
to agree to do...
73 questions with me
as an up-and-coming designer!
Oh, my God, like,
SJP did that, you know?
Like, Lizzo did that,
you know what I'm saying?
Aren't I, like,
the perfect cross
between SJP and Lizzo?
Oh, my gosh,
my first night as queer
has been
motherfucking awesome!
Oh, no.
No, no, no, wait.
Are those happy tears
or sad tears?
Um, both?
Oh, no, no, no.
Eric!
Open up.
What?
What you mean "what"?
Your girl comes
bearing Plan B
and Haagen-Dazs for after
and a can of drugstore wine
for after that.
It's been a bad night.
And I'm not in the mood
for sex, carbs,
or shitty wine.
I get it. I get it.
I'm just as upset
about Jordan Peele
ending "Get Out"
as you are.
But only one of us
wrote the letters
that got
my big break canceled.
Nigga, and that's it?
Not even friends?
Friends?
Hmm?
Always.
But you know,
the current state
of my bank account
for which
you are responsible
prevents me from
getting an erection.
Could be just a cold weather
thing anyway.
I get it.
That was fun.
Oh, thanks for the keys.
♪ I woke up in the morning
type lit ♪
♪ Ooh, big Benny still crisp ♪
♪ I, I, I woke up
in the morning like this ♪
♪ I woke up feeling a vibe,
it's a blessing ♪
♪ Last night was a movie
in the Hamptons ♪
♪ Mm, we was chillin'
in a mansion ♪
♪ Big dripper came out,
startin' spazzin' ♪
♪ Ooh, money stretch
like gymnastics ♪
♪ You talkin' to the boss,
who askin'? ♪
♪ Ooh, family rich,
we stackin' ♪
♪ And they gon' scream when
they see the new Jacksons ♪
♪ I woke up
in the morning like this ♪
♪ I woke up in
the morning type lit ♪
♪ Ooh, big Benny still crisp ♪
♪ I woke up in the morning
like this ♪
♪ I, I, I woke up
in the morning like this ♪
♪ I woke up
in the morning type lit ♪
♪ Ooh, big Benny still crisp ♪
♪ I woke up in the morning
like this ♪
♪ This, this, this,
this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ Woke up like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ Woke up like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like ♪
Sis, your hair is giving me
Eve in her prime.
- Ooh.
- You look good.
- Thank you.
I did it by myself
in my bathroom.
Ooh, y'all want to know
what I did
in the bathroom by myself?
Nope.
No word from Ian?
No, still no word
from Ian.
But you should have seen
Mira's face.
It was a mix of heartbreaking
tears and murderous rage.
I know that look.
And I will never again
fuck up Quinn's DVR
the night of "The Bachelorette"
finale.
- Still not forgiven.
- It was three seasons ago.
Listen, that's the look
that Brandon gave me, too.
Saying all this shit like,
I'm all about money
and I don't have
any real connections
or love in my life.
Crazy, right?
- Is that good?
- Delicious.
Um, hello?
Now is the part
where you disagree.
- Oh, right.
- Fuck that.
I just stupidly
didn't think about
how much pain
I'd be causing.
Or how much pain
we'd both be in.
Blowing up my life
seemed like so much more fun
than the misery
it actually was.
I know that feeling.
And heads up, girls,
if Vin Diesel ever
offers to kiss you, pass.
- Just a hard pass, OK?
- Angie, Angie.
Can you at least pretend
like you care about
what's actually
happening here?
That's exactly
what I said to Vin.
OK, I am sorry.
I'm wallowing in
my own shit, too.
My big break broke.
I'm back at square one,
no job, no man, no money.
You know what?
I was going for
my run this morning.
I couldn't stop replaying
all the shit I caused
last night.
Y'all catch that
"I went for a run
this morning" back door brag?
I caught it.
But does that mean
that you regret
kissing Ian last night?
No.
No, I just don't want
Ian and I to start again
under the shadow of
all this chaos, you know?
I can't even imagine how upset
his parents are with me.
- Did I quit my job last night?
- What?
Wait, Quinn, you told me
to quit my job last night.
How much did
y'all have to drink?
Why are you giving out
career advice?
I can fix this.
All you need...
is a takesy-backsy.
A takesy-backsy, you know,
like when you're a kid
and you say a bad word and
you get a takesy-backsy,
three takesy-backsies a month.
Was this just in my house?
Let our collective
blank stares be your answer.
No, Quinn's right.
I need a takey-backy.
A takesy-backsy.
No, I'm gonna call
Dr. Pruitt
and beg her
for my job back
so that I can eat
and pay rent.
And then I'm gonna apologize
to Ian's parents
for the role that I played
in ruining a day
that I'm sure cost them
a fortune.
And then I'm gonna
get Mira to forgive me.
My gosh, hearing all this
just makes me want a Xanax.
Mm! I got you, Quinn.
But only take half.
It's a Swedish version
of a Xanax.
I got it from
a "Get Out" stage hand.
They are very intense though.
I took a whole one
and I lost two days.
Mm, tempting, but no.
A quitter never wins.
For when my lawyer
gets ahold of Brandon
and tells me
how much he wants.
I guess I'll take one too for
when I come clean with Jameson
and he goes all Mira on me.
Are you sure you want
to end it with Jameson
before things are settled
with Ian?
I know, I know that
happily ever after
is momentarily on pause.
But it's just not fair
to Jameson, you know,
when I know that I still
feel it all for Ian.
But Jameson is going back
to Chicago soon.
Can't you just wait?
He's gone.
There's a slow fade.
Blame it on the distance.
No.
Maybe.
Is that wrong?
Girl, your karma
is so fucked already,
you might as well
take the easy road.
OK, you know what?
What is the opposite
of a pep talk?
Because that is
what's happening right here.
You can't take career advice
from an heiress.
I am not an Aries.
Heiress!
So what is everyone
getting into next?
Why? Don't you have like
hella wrongs to make right?
Pruitt hasn't
written me back yet.
And if I don't see her,
then I have to go
to Jameson or Ian's family.
I'm not ready.
Well, I was gonna get
a mani-pedi before my date.
- Ooh, that works for me.
- Ooh.
Silver dress,
it's been so long
since I've seen my type.
Bat shit crazy is my demo.
For $5,
I will tell you
your future.
And for free,
I will tell you that your
future does not include my $5.
You will make love to
the most beautiful man
in New York and then
your curse of bad luck
will be lifted.
Well, he got the part
about my bad luck right.
Can we go?
- Oh, the walk sign is on.
Thank you.
Reclaiming my time.
Look, everything
happens for a reason.
And for what it's worth,
I am grateful
that last night happened.
I mean,
thanks to you, Camille,
I'm officially going on
my first lady LGBTQ+ date.
Don't call it that.
So what are the big plans
with Isabella?
I got a private room at Cecil
for just the two of us.
Then I am flying in
"Top Chef" winner
Melissa King
to cook for us.
- Subtle.
You gon' bust it open
in the VIP?
Oh, I am not
busting anything open.
Or am I? Should I?
Hello.
♪ Go ahead and buss it,
buss it, buss it, buss it ♪
♪ Buss it, buss it, buss it,
go ahead and buss it ♪
- Would you like a foot and...
- Yes.
Leg massage?
Mm-hmm.
- I got you.
- Well, get me, then.
Oh, you can go harder.
I like it deep.
I can do that.
Guys, what if I don't know
what to do sexually
with Isabella?
Just make it sexy.
You knew what to do
the first time
you were with a guy.
Yeah, but I don't think
I was very good at it.
Quinn, don't say that.
No, I mean, like,
he literally said,
"Please just stop.
You're not very good at this."
Oh, yeah, that doesn't leave
a lot of wiggle room
for interpretation.
Just do what you do
when you masturbate,
except on her.
- Exactly the same?
- Yeah, girl.
So make Isabella
watch Shemar Moore
in old "Criminal Minds"
episodes?
What?
Girl, he is so hot
and so smart.
Uh, yeah, until he did
those fuzzy braids
in that Tyler Perry movie.
Oh, shit,
since I'm with a woman now,
does that mean that I'm still
allowed to like Shemar?
Isabella is definitely
not gonna like him,
unless she does.
And I mean do I...
do I touch
her boobs or...
Maybe you won't
be good at this.
Uh, Angie,
help your girl...
Angie?
What the fuck?
You got
the fuck part right.
- Did y'all even see her leave?
- Uh-uh.
Oh, no.
She is a national treasure.
I don't even want to know
what she is
photographing now.
It's Dr. Pruitt.
OK. "I Have ten minutes
at 2:00 p.m.
Regrettably,
you know where I live."
OK, that's OK,
because that,
that is my cue
to go get my job back.
- Yes.
- Ooh.
Cleavage.
- Yes.
I gotta change.
I should change.
I'm gonna change.
You are
a strong Black woman
that is in control
of her destiny!
Wish me luck
with Isabella!
You know what?
Since this is your first time
with a lady,
you can use
some of my expertise.
Tye to the rescue.
Oh, my gosh,
like a stunt double,
like you're gonna come
in the bed and like,
do all the tricky stuff?
No, you freak.
Sex toys.
I have the perfect shop downtown.
A sex toy shop?
Like now?
Girl, I just got
a fresh blow out.
What do you want?
Funny story.
So, um, you know when
you're a kid
and--and--and--and
you make a mistake
and you want
a takesy-backsy?
Are you still drunk
from last night
or are you drunk
from this morning?
No, no, no, no, neither.
I, um...
I would like to retract
my resignation.
Well, I'm gonna have
to think about that.
You know, a lot was said.
I know.
But, um,
as you mentioned,
I had been drinking
and it was a mistake.
Let's be clear
about this.
Your behavior
was unacceptable.
If you had done that
to anyone else,
your career would be over.
So next time you come to me
talking 'bout,
"You don't have my back,"
you think about today.
Because if I let you
keep your job,
it's because
I do have your back.
And I understand.
And it means a lot.
And one more thing,
please don't come here
ever again
without an invitation.
And I must tell you,
it's gonna be a while
before you get one from me.
Right. Uh, that's...
that's fair.
- OK.
- Thank you.
Nice to see you.
Just so you know,
I don't really drink like that.
It's close to never.
Last night was...
I'm good.
I am good.
I'm overwhelmed.
Oh, God, what the hell
is this even for?
It's a light fixture,
I hope.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
Now these are adorable.
That's not where
those go.
Oh, my God,
I finally found someone
that I feel great about.
And now I'm gonna
scare her off
because I'm gonna be
terrible in bed.
And I don't even know
where those earrings go.
Quinn, stop.
Don't decide
you're gonna ruin this
before it even starts.
Sorry, habit,
based on history.
History doesn't
have to repeat itself.
You are amazing.
Isabella is the lucky one.
I guess.
Listen,
sex is beautiful.
Sex is good for the soul.
It's freedom.
Let go of your hang-ups.
This is a candy store
for your lady parts.
The point of sex is fun.
No, you're right.
You're right.
The point of sex is fun.
Too much fun.
See? I'm nice.
I'm supportive.
I can connect.
Fuck Brandon.
What he said was bullshit.
But it's obviously
still bothering you.
What's bothering me is that
none of you disagreed.
We did, mostly.
Oh, come on, Tye,
it's just that you don't have
the most consistent
love life.
I know.
But bitches be crazy.
OK, bitches be crazy.
But if I can be a little bit
more Tye about sex,
maybe you could be
a little bit more Quinn
about connecting.
It doesn't mean that
you have to jump into
an instant relationship.
But honestly, caring for
someone isn't the worst thing.
What are you
so scared of, Tye?
Oh, this is my shit.
Your partner controls
the speed from an app.
I guess this is
a change of topic.
But a heads up, it does
require 16 AA batteries.
So be sure to preload.
Did you find what
you were looking for?
And so very many things
I wasn't.
OK.
That'll be $4,222.
Being gay is expensive.
Man.
You know I saved myself
for you.
Ain't no virgin
pulling all of that off.
Oh, thanks, boo.
What I mean is,
I was told by a psychic...
well, sort of psychic...
that I would have sex
with the most handsome man
in New York
and amazing things would
come my way from there on out.
Damn, you saying
you waited all this time
and I'm the most
handsome man?
Uh-huh.
Damn, I'm honored.
Hold on, about how long ago
was this prediction?
A year or so,
so many years.
So then if we were
to do it again,
could it double your luck?
Oh, the way that life
has been smacking my ass,
I could go for a triple.
Well.
Pretty sure I can do
something about that.
Oh, this is gonna be
a good year.
Oh, yes!
Give me all that luck.
Luck me!
Luck me hard!
Thank you for making me
the luckiest girl in New York.
♪ I like him, like him too ♪
♪ He my man, he my boo ♪
♪ He my type, he's so cute ♪
♪ I want him
and I want him too ♪
♪ I like him, like him too ♪
♪ He my man, he my boo ♪
♪ He my type ♪
Where are my manners?
And who might this be?
This my roommate, Jaquan.
Yep, I'm Jaquan.
Hello, Jaquan.
I'm Angie.
You know, I was just
telling Kendrick earlier
about my twin sister.
You were?
Yes, remember,
in the taxi?
You need to listen
to women more.
Anyway, I have an awesome
twin sister.
And I know she would love
to meet you.
I mean, is she anything
like you?
From I've been hearing
the last few hours,
it sounds like you like
to have a good time.
- It's true.
- Don't be creepy, Jaquan.
- Jaquan's not creepy.
- He's not.
And he is gonna love my
equally not creepy twin sister.
Put them digits in.
Did I mention that
we are identical?
Oh, shit,
look at the plot twist.
Hi, Aunt Tammy.
You owe me for this dress.
I paid full price
for this shit
and you got the damn wedding canceled.
Yeah, understood.
But it looks great.
And besides,
I thought only the bride was
supposed to wear white, right?
Oh, and I thought it was
only supposed to be
the bride
kissing on the groom.
So whose faux pas
is bigger, darling?
Is, um...
is Ian's mom here?
She is.
She's actually inside
trying to figure out
what to do
with 100 pounds
of jumbo shrimp,
a ten-tier wedding cake,
and 300 disgruntled guests
from down south.
So you better come back
a little later, baby.
Oh, no, I--I--
I think it's OK.
I--I called
so she was expecting me.
I just, I want to apologize
and explain.
Yeah, and you can
explain to me
why you're leaving
that fine tall brother
for my little troll
of a nephew
who you literally
kicked to the curb.
Remember, you left him
on the curb?
I mean, technically.
I mean, he did drive away.
Yeah, it's always a cute
little excuse with you.
Camille,
you in danger, girl.
Everybody, the home wrecker's
here to apologize.
♪ I think that it's time
we define what is real ♪
You got just
a handful of friends
that nobody even knows to call
when you got an emergency.
♪ I won't be runnin'
no more ♪
♪ I won't be runnin' no...
Hey.
That's the look of someone
who wants a dog.
Actually, it's the look
of someone killing time
while waiting for
her prescription
to be done across the street.
I love how that one
doesn't give a shit.
Yeah, she's a Shar Pei.
They're a fairly aloof breed,
tend to keep to themselves.
I like that.
Hey.
Tell me a puppy
is a bad idea.
Uh, someone's
afternoon took a turn.
I'm not saying that
what Brandon said was right,
but if I want to be more connected,
could a puppy be like
relationship training wheels?
Well, there are tons of
anthropological studies
tracing
the human-dog connection
back to ancient Egypt.
I mean,
there's even evidence...
Can we press pause
on the lecture?
Do I get the damn dog?
I mean, it's another
living thing
that you would have
to take care of,
something that
depends on you.
Is that in
the pros or cons section?
It's like you said,
relationship training wheels.
But it would be a commitment
'cause, you know, dogs
can live, like, 20 years.
I mean, I am
the only lesbian I know
that doesn't have, like,
five rescue pit bulls
and a few old ass cats with
a bunch of health problems.
OK, you better not let
Quinn hear you say that
or else she'll do the same.
So how's the apology
tour going?
OK.
You know,
I unquit with Pruitt
and she said that she'd think
about it instead of "hell no."
And Ian's mom confessed that
she had hoped all along
that we would end up together.
She just wished that
I had did it
before all the relatives
flew in.
So the two of you
are cool?
Yeah, it's like
I almost fixed
all the shit
from last night.
Almost.
Let--let me call you back.
I was just coming
to get my stuff
from the house I thought
I'd be living in.
Here you are again.
I'm so sorry.
This is
so not fair to you.
It wasn't supposed
to happen like this.
Oh, how was it
supposed to happen?
Ian and I got married
and you two kept
sneaking around?
No, no.
I'm sorry.
Well, so we are clear,
apology is not accepted.
You stole my man,
you took away my life.
But the least you could do
is own it.
These were your choices, Camille.
You can't unmake them.
You got what you wanted.
So be a woman,
own it.
And in the meantime,
you could do me one favor.
Yes, anything.
Fuck off.
What's the point
of you, dog?
Do you do anything fun?
Hi.
OK, just a little creepy.
What if I'm not enough?
Hmm?
Probably gonna flake out
on you anyway.
Oh.
Oh, I can't.
Sorry.
Oh, it looked like you two
were really bonding over there.
Nah.
Turns out
I'm not the bonding type.
Dr. Pruitt.
Hi. Again.
Didn't I say to you that
I needed time to decide
if it made sense
for you
to stay at Columbia?
I know, I know,
and I am here
to own my decision.
Look, I've got dinner
on the stove.
Oh, thank you,
but I'm not hungry.
I wasn't inviting
you to stay.
Right.
Um, so there was
a reason why I quit.
In my career,
I know what I want
and I know what I deserve
and you made it
very clear that
that is not at Columbia.
And so I--I, you know,
I understand that.
Sort of, maybe,
I don't know.
I mean, I guess
I didn't make a great
first impression on you.
None of the impressions
you made on me
were good, but go ahead.
So I need to be an adult
and acknowledge what I need.
I'm gonna fulfill
my contractual commitment
and teach throughout
the summer session.
And then after that,
I must go.
I requit.
That's actually fair.
I might go
as far as saying...
I respect you for doing this.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
That dinner,
it smells really good.
Yeah.
None for you.
Bye.
I can't believe you flew in
Melissa to cook for us.
Yeah, well, I was really
hoping you'd like it.
So this is your place?
Yeah, this is my place.
It looks like you.
Thank you.
Well, this is the living room
and that's the kitchen.
And here's the window.
This is where I, um,
make sure that
I look outside.
This is new for me.
You're new.
Girl-on-girl is new.
And I just don't
want to mess it...
Can I kiss you?
Did I just say
"girl-on-girl"?
Sorry.
Yes. Kiss.
So did that make you
more or less nervous?
Yes.
Come on.
Show me
the rest of your place.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
♪ Slow motion, baby ♪
♪ Come rest up on me,
down, go down...
Quinn, this,
this is amazing.
♪ Foot up on the dresser...
You're amazing.
♪ Just say you like
the slow motion ♪
♪ You is a true freak, babe ♪
♪ Fuckin' in the bathroom,
yeah ♪
♪ I wetter than the pipes,
Titanic baby ♪
♪ Ah, just say you like
the slow motion, baby...
Ooh, what is...
oh.
That is...
...girthy.
- Too much?
We do not have to use that, actually.
Because I have more sizes,
more options.
We could use this
so that both of us can...
never mind.
Um, oh, what about these?
You could wear them or...
or I could wear them.
Ow.
Oh, um, this is
kind of fun, right?
But...
I only have 11 batteries,
so maybe not.
You know what?
We can use this.
But if I'm being honest,
I'm not sure exactly...
Wait,
you got this for me?
For us?
I just wanted
to make it right.
Quinn.
You are what
makes it right.
No one has ever told me
that I make it right.
♪ Told you I could be
the one ♪
♪ But you doin' to yourself ♪
♪ Tryna put you on a plane,
you tryna put me on a shelf ♪
♪ I'll give you something ♪
♪ You won't ever find
in no one else ♪
♪ You told me that you know ♪
♪ But you don't even
know yourself ♪
♪ But do you wanna
wait for me? ♪
♪ Why you run away from me? ♪
♪ Baby, you should
stay with me ♪
♪ No, you don't know that
you got it like that ♪
I am so sorry.
I am ruining this!
- I am so sorry.
- Come here.
I take the lead this time.
OK.
You must be Jaquan.
And you must be Mariah.
Reporting for duty.
Yo, I'm out.
Oh, I mean,
I thought Angie was fine,
but you are way finer.
Bye,
whatever your name was.
So you see anything
you like?
- I mean, everything.
- Mm-hmm.
Damn,
I mean Kendrick's right,
you are way hotter
than your twin.
Funnier, sexier.
You idiot,
there is no twin.
I'm Angie.
Hold up.
So you just pretending
to be your own twin?
As if we haven't all
done that before.
Um, I'm not sure
that we have.
Oh, you're right.
You're right,
you're right,
you are right.
I know I need to stop
doing shit like this.
I knew it was a dumb plan.
I gotta grow up,
you know.
It's just...
it's just...
It's just
if you were 10% less hot,
I would leave.
But I'm here.
And you're here.
So you want to just shut up
and strip for some twin ass?
♪ Buss it wide open and
I tell her bring it back ♪
Uh-huh.
♪ Buss it wide open and
I tell her bring it back ♪
Now, all of this
will definitely bring me
the best luck of my life.
♪ Now tell that boy
keep talking ♪
♪ I'm gon' get them VVSs ♪
♪ I'm like,
if I throw it back ♪
♪ Know this nigga
better catch it ♪
♪ I keep 1942 and bad bitches
in my session ♪
♪ They be nekkid ♪
♪ I'm gon' pop it ♪
♪ I might let you touch it ♪
♪ Just like you'll be
grippin' on me...
Welcome to Everything Grows
in Harlem.
But we're closing right now.
- So make it fast?
- Got it.
Can I help you
with anything?
Which one of these say,
"I struggle to emotionally
connect with people.
"I thought baby steps
would be getting a dog,
"but I need something
without a heartbeat
that can thrive
under my care"?
Wow, if only you could be
more specific.
Got it.
"$15 or less.
My ex wants all my money."
All right,
how about one of these?
Which one is less needy?
Oh, this cactus.
It's strong, it occasionally
gives flowers.
It's very self-sufficient.
And it only requires
minimal watering.
The me of plants.
Perfect.
79.99 for a damn cactus?
Well, that includes
the vase.
OK, it's 30% off,
so that's like $55.
Cool.
30% off is the price
that's marked.
No, 30% off of clearance
is what the sign says.
So 30% off of
the discounted price...
30% off is the clearance.
Unless this is
false advertisement,
in which I will haul your ass
down to court
and I'll have
all these plants.
Wow. I think I'm on
your ex's side.
I'm gonna name you Megan,
Megan Thee Cactus.
You want some air, Megan?
We're gonna have
a lot of fun to...
That relationship lasted
a whole five minutes.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Ooh! Hey, girl.
We are looking
to get our drink on.
Where are the fun
authentic spots?
OK, no.
No.
Oh, shit.
What is he doing here?
And maybe neither past
nor future actually matter.
Maybe the Buddhists
have it right
and that no matter
what happened before
or what happens next,
all that is real is
what happens right now.
I just gotta do it.
I just gotta break up with him.
Yo.
Hey, I've been
texting you.
Hey.
I got worried.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
So I have some news
that is worth
getting overpriced drunk for.
I called my advisor at
University of Chicago.
No, no, Jameson,
I told you
I can't move to Chicago.
Oh, no, no, no, I know.
I called for me.
And as much as I was looking
forward to Skype sex,
um, I'd rather wake up
to you in person.
So long story short,
I told them no.
I'm staying in New York.
Welcome to
happily ever after.
Oh.
♪ Messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text,
I think I failed the test ♪
♪ And then I got undressed,
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Need it in my life,
I'm being so damn reckless ♪
♪ Pull somebody hotter, better
cross it off the checklist ♪
♪ And now I don't know
what to do, do ♪
♪ I wouldn't pick nobody
over you, you ♪
♪ I promise you that other
shit is through, through ♪
♪ Baby,
I'm going crazy over you ♪
♪ 'Cause I done made a mess
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text,
I think I failed the test ♪
♪ And then I got undressed,
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ I, I done made a mess
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text,
I think I failed the test ♪
♪ And then I got undressed,
messin' with my ex, ex, ex ♪
♪ Need it in my life,
need it in my life ♪
♪ And not like all the time,
not like all the time ♪
♪ Only when I hit low,
wanna get it quick mode ♪
♪ I cannot control it,
tell me what I'm in for ♪
♪ I done caught a vibe,
I done caught a vibe ♪
♪ And I pull up in the night,
pull up in the night ♪
♪ I had other motives,
I was out of focus ♪
♪ Shouldn't be together,
didn't even notice ♪
♪ I done made a mess
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text...
- Ian was at the club.
- Four years later
and that nigga still
has a hold on you.
Camille,
I'm engaged.
You would be lonely
without me here.
I promise we will
still be besties
even if you do get a job.
So what we doing?
It's "Get Out:
The Musical."
♪ Scrape, click,
scrape, click ♪
Dr. Pruitt from Yale?
Um, I'm one of the adjunct
professors, Camille Parks.
Can I call you back?
That's fine, Dr. Pruitt,
- I'll talk to you later.
- Sorry.
I'm fine.
Tye!
You have several medium
and large fibroids
and a polyp on
your uterine lining.
One of
my panelists is Jameson...
Royce,
the--the social justice guy.
So you wanna fuck a woman?
I am not comfortable
calling it
anything other than
curiosity right now.
I will not endorse you
for this job.
It's over.
Officially, Dr. Pruitt
hired someone for
the associate position.
You know,
you could come with me
to University of Chicago.
"Enclosed is
a cease and desist letter.
The show must not
go on, ever."
This is Brandon Jones,
my husband.
Will you
go on a date with me?
She said yes!
I quit.
I'm out of here.
See you never, Dr. Pruitt.
- Whew!
- Oh, shit!
I've waited for weeks
for you to sign
the divorce papers.
It's obvious
you want money.
You think
this is about money?
Well, fine.
It's about money then.
You said you loved me.
I love you too, Ian.
Welcome back, everybody.
Now, where were we?
The anthropology of time.
Hinduism and some
Eastern cultures
see time as a circle,
with patterns and events,
even lives repeating.
So if time is circular
and patterns repeat,
but then can't we break them?
By making different choices,
can we rewrite history?
Oh, no.
This is so bad.
Hey.
Ian,
close your eyes!
The... it's bad luck
to see the dress
before tomorrow.
OK.
Yeah, OK.
Oh, Mira.
Hey, look, it's...
it's, uh, Mira.
I'm--I'm here because, um,
I, uh, I was with Quinn.
She's dropping off your dress,
as you know,
that you're already holding.
Quinn did a beautiful job.
It's all a dream come true.
Am I really doing this?
What?
Am I pretending
I didn't see you kiss...
Again.
- Kiss? We...
- Don't.
When I saw you two kiss at
that wretched Titanic party,
I thought it was a moment.
It was the part.
It was...
I don't know.
I guess this is
what I deserve
for not saying something.
Moving across the Atlantic
for the man I love,
something, I may add,
Camille wouldn't do for you.
Don't bring her up
right now.
I'm the one
you're mad at.
Um, no, not true.
I would say
pretty equal.
Just...
I have to understand.
Why would you cheat on me
for someone
who didn't think enough
of you and your dreams
to stick by your side?
You told me
Camille was a flake
you could never trust again
because she could only
think of herself.
- You said that?
- He was obviously right.
Who shows up
the night before a wedding
to kiss the fucking groom?
A groom, by the way,
you dumped the same day
you were supposed
to move to Paris together.
Camille, your selfish
destructive timing is nothing
if not perversely consistent.
I am confident
she will do it again
and flake out
and hurt you.
I only hope it's even half
as humiliating for you, Ian,
as this is for me.
What do we do?
I'm sorry about this, Camille.
No, I can't believe
I was this naive
to think this could be
some sweet,
happily ever after.
I feel like
I'm gonna throw up.
Wait, let me just...
let me just...
No, no, no.
I meant what I said.
I love you, Ian.
But to stay here
right now,
in this moment,
it just...
it feels cruel.
Fuck!
Oh, my God,
biggest news ever!
Bet I could top it.
Oh, my gosh, so...
super connected Mira
loved my design so much
that she got her best friend
who is, of course,
an editor at "Vogue"
to agree to do...
73 questions with me
as an up-and-coming designer!
Oh, my God, like,
SJP did that, you know?
Like, Lizzo did that,
you know what I'm saying?
Aren't I, like,
the perfect cross
between SJP and Lizzo?
Oh, my gosh,
my first night as queer
has been
motherfucking awesome!
Oh, no.
No, no, no, wait.
Are those happy tears
or sad tears?
Um, both?
Oh, no, no, no.
Eric!
Open up.
What?
What you mean "what"?
Your girl comes
bearing Plan B
and Haagen-Dazs for after
and a can of drugstore wine
for after that.
It's been a bad night.
And I'm not in the mood
for sex, carbs,
or shitty wine.
I get it. I get it.
I'm just as upset
about Jordan Peele
ending "Get Out"
as you are.
But only one of us
wrote the letters
that got
my big break canceled.
Nigga, and that's it?
Not even friends?
Friends?
Hmm?
Always.
But you know,
the current state
of my bank account
for which
you are responsible
prevents me from
getting an erection.
Could be just a cold weather
thing anyway.
I get it.
That was fun.
Oh, thanks for the keys.
♪ I woke up in the morning
type lit ♪
♪ Ooh, big Benny still crisp ♪
♪ I, I, I woke up
in the morning like this ♪
♪ I woke up feeling a vibe,
it's a blessing ♪
♪ Last night was a movie
in the Hamptons ♪
♪ Mm, we was chillin'
in a mansion ♪
♪ Big dripper came out,
startin' spazzin' ♪
♪ Ooh, money stretch
like gymnastics ♪
♪ You talkin' to the boss,
who askin'? ♪
♪ Ooh, family rich,
we stackin' ♪
♪ And they gon' scream when
they see the new Jacksons ♪
♪ I woke up
in the morning like this ♪
♪ I woke up in
the morning type lit ♪
♪ Ooh, big Benny still crisp ♪
♪ I woke up in the morning
like this ♪
♪ I, I, I woke up
in the morning like this ♪
♪ I woke up
in the morning type lit ♪
♪ Ooh, big Benny still crisp ♪
♪ I woke up in the morning
like this ♪
♪ This, this, this,
this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ Woke up like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ Woke up like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like this,
this, this, this, this ♪
♪ In the morning like ♪
Sis, your hair is giving me
Eve in her prime.
- Ooh.
- You look good.
- Thank you.
I did it by myself
in my bathroom.
Ooh, y'all want to know
what I did
in the bathroom by myself?
Nope.
No word from Ian?
No, still no word
from Ian.
But you should have seen
Mira's face.
It was a mix of heartbreaking
tears and murderous rage.
I know that look.
And I will never again
fuck up Quinn's DVR
the night of "The Bachelorette"
finale.
- Still not forgiven.
- It was three seasons ago.
Listen, that's the look
that Brandon gave me, too.
Saying all this shit like,
I'm all about money
and I don't have
any real connections
or love in my life.
Crazy, right?
- Is that good?
- Delicious.
Um, hello?
Now is the part
where you disagree.
- Oh, right.
- Fuck that.
I just stupidly
didn't think about
how much pain
I'd be causing.
Or how much pain
we'd both be in.
Blowing up my life
seemed like so much more fun
than the misery
it actually was.
I know that feeling.
And heads up, girls,
if Vin Diesel ever
offers to kiss you, pass.
- Just a hard pass, OK?
- Angie, Angie.
Can you at least pretend
like you care about
what's actually
happening here?
That's exactly
what I said to Vin.
OK, I am sorry.
I'm wallowing in
my own shit, too.
My big break broke.
I'm back at square one,
no job, no man, no money.
You know what?
I was going for
my run this morning.
I couldn't stop replaying
all the shit I caused
last night.
Y'all catch that
"I went for a run
this morning" back door brag?
I caught it.
But does that mean
that you regret
kissing Ian last night?
No.
No, I just don't want
Ian and I to start again
under the shadow of
all this chaos, you know?
I can't even imagine how upset
his parents are with me.
- Did I quit my job last night?
- What?
Wait, Quinn, you told me
to quit my job last night.
How much did
y'all have to drink?
Why are you giving out
career advice?
I can fix this.
All you need...
is a takesy-backsy.
A takesy-backsy, you know,
like when you're a kid
and you say a bad word and
you get a takesy-backsy,
three takesy-backsies a month.
Was this just in my house?
Let our collective
blank stares be your answer.
No, Quinn's right.
I need a takey-backy.
A takesy-backsy.
No, I'm gonna call
Dr. Pruitt
and beg her
for my job back
so that I can eat
and pay rent.
And then I'm gonna apologize
to Ian's parents
for the role that I played
in ruining a day
that I'm sure cost them
a fortune.
And then I'm gonna
get Mira to forgive me.
My gosh, hearing all this
just makes me want a Xanax.
Mm! I got you, Quinn.
But only take half.
It's a Swedish version
of a Xanax.
I got it from
a "Get Out" stage hand.
They are very intense though.
I took a whole one
and I lost two days.
Mm, tempting, but no.
A quitter never wins.
For when my lawyer
gets ahold of Brandon
and tells me
how much he wants.
I guess I'll take one too for
when I come clean with Jameson
and he goes all Mira on me.
Are you sure you want
to end it with Jameson
before things are settled
with Ian?
I know, I know that
happily ever after
is momentarily on pause.
But it's just not fair
to Jameson, you know,
when I know that I still
feel it all for Ian.
But Jameson is going back
to Chicago soon.
Can't you just wait?
He's gone.
There's a slow fade.
Blame it on the distance.
No.
Maybe.
Is that wrong?
Girl, your karma
is so fucked already,
you might as well
take the easy road.
OK, you know what?
What is the opposite
of a pep talk?
Because that is
what's happening right here.
You can't take career advice
from an heiress.
I am not an Aries.
Heiress!
So what is everyone
getting into next?
Why? Don't you have like
hella wrongs to make right?
Pruitt hasn't
written me back yet.
And if I don't see her,
then I have to go
to Jameson or Ian's family.
I'm not ready.
Well, I was gonna get
a mani-pedi before my date.
- Ooh, that works for me.
- Ooh.
Silver dress,
it's been so long
since I've seen my type.
Bat shit crazy is my demo.
For $5,
I will tell you
your future.
And for free,
I will tell you that your
future does not include my $5.
You will make love to
the most beautiful man
in New York and then
your curse of bad luck
will be lifted.
Well, he got the part
about my bad luck right.
Can we go?
- Oh, the walk sign is on.
Thank you.
Reclaiming my time.
Look, everything
happens for a reason.
And for what it's worth,
I am grateful
that last night happened.
I mean,
thanks to you, Camille,
I'm officially going on
my first lady LGBTQ+ date.
Don't call it that.
So what are the big plans
with Isabella?
I got a private room at Cecil
for just the two of us.
Then I am flying in
"Top Chef" winner
Melissa King
to cook for us.
- Subtle.
You gon' bust it open
in the VIP?
Oh, I am not
busting anything open.
Or am I? Should I?
Hello.
♪ Go ahead and buss it,
buss it, buss it, buss it ♪
♪ Buss it, buss it, buss it,
go ahead and buss it ♪
- Would you like a foot and...
- Yes.
Leg massage?
Mm-hmm.
- I got you.
- Well, get me, then.
Oh, you can go harder.
I like it deep.
I can do that.
Guys, what if I don't know
what to do sexually
with Isabella?
Just make it sexy.
You knew what to do
the first time
you were with a guy.
Yeah, but I don't think
I was very good at it.
Quinn, don't say that.
No, I mean, like,
he literally said,
"Please just stop.
You're not very good at this."
Oh, yeah, that doesn't leave
a lot of wiggle room
for interpretation.
Just do what you do
when you masturbate,
except on her.
- Exactly the same?
- Yeah, girl.
So make Isabella
watch Shemar Moore
in old "Criminal Minds"
episodes?
What?
Girl, he is so hot
and so smart.
Uh, yeah, until he did
those fuzzy braids
in that Tyler Perry movie.
Oh, shit,
since I'm with a woman now,
does that mean that I'm still
allowed to like Shemar?
Isabella is definitely
not gonna like him,
unless she does.
And I mean do I...
do I touch
her boobs or...
Maybe you won't
be good at this.
Uh, Angie,
help your girl...
Angie?
What the fuck?
You got
the fuck part right.
- Did y'all even see her leave?
- Uh-uh.
Oh, no.
She is a national treasure.
I don't even want to know
what she is
photographing now.
It's Dr. Pruitt.
OK. "I Have ten minutes
at 2:00 p.m.
Regrettably,
you know where I live."
OK, that's OK,
because that,
that is my cue
to go get my job back.
- Yes.
- Ooh.
Cleavage.
- Yes.
I gotta change.
I should change.
I'm gonna change.
You are
a strong Black woman
that is in control
of her destiny!
Wish me luck
with Isabella!
You know what?
Since this is your first time
with a lady,
you can use
some of my expertise.
Tye to the rescue.
Oh, my gosh,
like a stunt double,
like you're gonna come
in the bed and like,
do all the tricky stuff?
No, you freak.
Sex toys.
I have the perfect shop downtown.
A sex toy shop?
Like now?
Girl, I just got
a fresh blow out.
What do you want?
Funny story.
So, um, you know when
you're a kid
and--and--and--and
you make a mistake
and you want
a takesy-backsy?
Are you still drunk
from last night
or are you drunk
from this morning?
No, no, no, no, neither.
I, um...
I would like to retract
my resignation.
Well, I'm gonna have
to think about that.
You know, a lot was said.
I know.
But, um,
as you mentioned,
I had been drinking
and it was a mistake.
Let's be clear
about this.
Your behavior
was unacceptable.
If you had done that
to anyone else,
your career would be over.
So next time you come to me
talking 'bout,
"You don't have my back,"
you think about today.
Because if I let you
keep your job,
it's because
I do have your back.
And I understand.
And it means a lot.
And one more thing,
please don't come here
ever again
without an invitation.
And I must tell you,
it's gonna be a while
before you get one from me.
Right. Uh, that's...
that's fair.
- OK.
- Thank you.
Nice to see you.
Just so you know,
I don't really drink like that.
It's close to never.
Last night was...
I'm good.
I am good.
I'm overwhelmed.
Oh, God, what the hell
is this even for?
It's a light fixture,
I hope.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
Now these are adorable.
That's not where
those go.
Oh, my God,
I finally found someone
that I feel great about.
And now I'm gonna
scare her off
because I'm gonna be
terrible in bed.
And I don't even know
where those earrings go.
Quinn, stop.
Don't decide
you're gonna ruin this
before it even starts.
Sorry, habit,
based on history.
History doesn't
have to repeat itself.
You are amazing.
Isabella is the lucky one.
I guess.
Listen,
sex is beautiful.
Sex is good for the soul.
It's freedom.
Let go of your hang-ups.
This is a candy store
for your lady parts.
The point of sex is fun.
No, you're right.
You're right.
The point of sex is fun.
Too much fun.
See? I'm nice.
I'm supportive.
I can connect.
Fuck Brandon.
What he said was bullshit.
But it's obviously
still bothering you.
What's bothering me is that
none of you disagreed.
We did, mostly.
Oh, come on, Tye,
it's just that you don't have
the most consistent
love life.
I know.
But bitches be crazy.
OK, bitches be crazy.
But if I can be a little bit
more Tye about sex,
maybe you could be
a little bit more Quinn
about connecting.
It doesn't mean that
you have to jump into
an instant relationship.
But honestly, caring for
someone isn't the worst thing.
What are you
so scared of, Tye?
Oh, this is my shit.
Your partner controls
the speed from an app.
I guess this is
a change of topic.
But a heads up, it does
require 16 AA batteries.
So be sure to preload.
Did you find what
you were looking for?
And so very many things
I wasn't.
OK.
That'll be $4,222.
Being gay is expensive.
Man.
You know I saved myself
for you.
Ain't no virgin
pulling all of that off.
Oh, thanks, boo.
What I mean is,
I was told by a psychic...
well, sort of psychic...
that I would have sex
with the most handsome man
in New York
and amazing things would
come my way from there on out.
Damn, you saying
you waited all this time
and I'm the most
handsome man?
Uh-huh.
Damn, I'm honored.
Hold on, about how long ago
was this prediction?
A year or so,
so many years.
So then if we were
to do it again,
could it double your luck?
Oh, the way that life
has been smacking my ass,
I could go for a triple.
Well.
Pretty sure I can do
something about that.
Oh, this is gonna be
a good year.
Oh, yes!
Give me all that luck.
Luck me!
Luck me hard!
Thank you for making me
the luckiest girl in New York.
♪ I like him, like him too ♪
♪ He my man, he my boo ♪
♪ He my type, he's so cute ♪
♪ I want him
and I want him too ♪
♪ I like him, like him too ♪
♪ He my man, he my boo ♪
♪ He my type ♪
Where are my manners?
And who might this be?
This my roommate, Jaquan.
Yep, I'm Jaquan.
Hello, Jaquan.
I'm Angie.
You know, I was just
telling Kendrick earlier
about my twin sister.
You were?
Yes, remember,
in the taxi?
You need to listen
to women more.
Anyway, I have an awesome
twin sister.
And I know she would love
to meet you.
I mean, is she anything
like you?
From I've been hearing
the last few hours,
it sounds like you like
to have a good time.
- It's true.
- Don't be creepy, Jaquan.
- Jaquan's not creepy.
- He's not.
And he is gonna love my
equally not creepy twin sister.
Put them digits in.
Did I mention that
we are identical?
Oh, shit,
look at the plot twist.
Hi, Aunt Tammy.
You owe me for this dress.
I paid full price
for this shit
and you got the damn wedding canceled.
Yeah, understood.
But it looks great.
And besides,
I thought only the bride was
supposed to wear white, right?
Oh, and I thought it was
only supposed to be
the bride
kissing on the groom.
So whose faux pas
is bigger, darling?
Is, um...
is Ian's mom here?
She is.
She's actually inside
trying to figure out
what to do
with 100 pounds
of jumbo shrimp,
a ten-tier wedding cake,
and 300 disgruntled guests
from down south.
So you better come back
a little later, baby.
Oh, no, I--I--
I think it's OK.
I--I called
so she was expecting me.
I just, I want to apologize
and explain.
Yeah, and you can
explain to me
why you're leaving
that fine tall brother
for my little troll
of a nephew
who you literally
kicked to the curb.
Remember, you left him
on the curb?
I mean, technically.
I mean, he did drive away.
Yeah, it's always a cute
little excuse with you.
Camille,
you in danger, girl.
Everybody, the home wrecker's
here to apologize.
♪ I think that it's time
we define what is real ♪
You got just
a handful of friends
that nobody even knows to call
when you got an emergency.
♪ I won't be runnin'
no more ♪
♪ I won't be runnin' no...
Hey.
That's the look of someone
who wants a dog.
Actually, it's the look
of someone killing time
while waiting for
her prescription
to be done across the street.
I love how that one
doesn't give a shit.
Yeah, she's a Shar Pei.
They're a fairly aloof breed,
tend to keep to themselves.
I like that.
Hey.
Tell me a puppy
is a bad idea.
Uh, someone's
afternoon took a turn.
I'm not saying that
what Brandon said was right,
but if I want to be more connected,
could a puppy be like
relationship training wheels?
Well, there are tons of
anthropological studies
tracing
the human-dog connection
back to ancient Egypt.
I mean,
there's even evidence...
Can we press pause
on the lecture?
Do I get the damn dog?
I mean, it's another
living thing
that you would have
to take care of,
something that
depends on you.
Is that in
the pros or cons section?
It's like you said,
relationship training wheels.
But it would be a commitment
'cause, you know, dogs
can live, like, 20 years.
I mean, I am
the only lesbian I know
that doesn't have, like,
five rescue pit bulls
and a few old ass cats with
a bunch of health problems.
OK, you better not let
Quinn hear you say that
or else she'll do the same.
So how's the apology
tour going?
OK.
You know,
I unquit with Pruitt
and she said that she'd think
about it instead of "hell no."
And Ian's mom confessed that
she had hoped all along
that we would end up together.
She just wished that
I had did it
before all the relatives
flew in.
So the two of you
are cool?
Yeah, it's like
I almost fixed
all the shit
from last night.
Almost.
Let--let me call you back.
I was just coming
to get my stuff
from the house I thought
I'd be living in.
Here you are again.
I'm so sorry.
This is
so not fair to you.
It wasn't supposed
to happen like this.
Oh, how was it
supposed to happen?
Ian and I got married
and you two kept
sneaking around?
No, no.
I'm sorry.
Well, so we are clear,
apology is not accepted.
You stole my man,
you took away my life.
But the least you could do
is own it.
These were your choices, Camille.
You can't unmake them.
You got what you wanted.
So be a woman,
own it.
And in the meantime,
you could do me one favor.
Yes, anything.
Fuck off.
What's the point
of you, dog?
Do you do anything fun?
Hi.
OK, just a little creepy.
What if I'm not enough?
Hmm?
Probably gonna flake out
on you anyway.
Oh.
Oh, I can't.
Sorry.
Oh, it looked like you two
were really bonding over there.
Nah.
Turns out
I'm not the bonding type.
Dr. Pruitt.
Hi. Again.
Didn't I say to you that
I needed time to decide
if it made sense
for you
to stay at Columbia?
I know, I know,
and I am here
to own my decision.
Look, I've got dinner
on the stove.
Oh, thank you,
but I'm not hungry.
I wasn't inviting
you to stay.
Right.
Um, so there was
a reason why I quit.
In my career,
I know what I want
and I know what I deserve
and you made it
very clear that
that is not at Columbia.
And so I--I, you know,
I understand that.
Sort of, maybe,
I don't know.
I mean, I guess
I didn't make a great
first impression on you.
None of the impressions
you made on me
were good, but go ahead.
So I need to be an adult
and acknowledge what I need.
I'm gonna fulfill
my contractual commitment
and teach throughout
the summer session.
And then after that,
I must go.
I requit.
That's actually fair.
I might go
as far as saying...
I respect you for doing this.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
That dinner,
it smells really good.
Yeah.
None for you.
Bye.
I can't believe you flew in
Melissa to cook for us.
Yeah, well, I was really
hoping you'd like it.
So this is your place?
Yeah, this is my place.
It looks like you.
Thank you.
Well, this is the living room
and that's the kitchen.
And here's the window.
This is where I, um,
make sure that
I look outside.
This is new for me.
You're new.
Girl-on-girl is new.
And I just don't
want to mess it...
Can I kiss you?
Did I just say
"girl-on-girl"?
Sorry.
Yes. Kiss.
So did that make you
more or less nervous?
Yes.
Come on.
Show me
the rest of your place.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
♪ Slow motion, baby ♪
♪ Come rest up on me,
down, go down...
Quinn, this,
this is amazing.
♪ Foot up on the dresser...
You're amazing.
♪ Just say you like
the slow motion ♪
♪ You is a true freak, babe ♪
♪ Fuckin' in the bathroom,
yeah ♪
♪ I wetter than the pipes,
Titanic baby ♪
♪ Ah, just say you like
the slow motion, baby...
Ooh, what is...
oh.
That is...
...girthy.
- Too much?
We do not have to use that, actually.
Because I have more sizes,
more options.
We could use this
so that both of us can...
never mind.
Um, oh, what about these?
You could wear them or...
or I could wear them.
Ow.
Oh, um, this is
kind of fun, right?
But...
I only have 11 batteries,
so maybe not.
You know what?
We can use this.
But if I'm being honest,
I'm not sure exactly...
Wait,
you got this for me?
For us?
I just wanted
to make it right.
Quinn.
You are what
makes it right.
No one has ever told me
that I make it right.
♪ Told you I could be
the one ♪
♪ But you doin' to yourself ♪
♪ Tryna put you on a plane,
you tryna put me on a shelf ♪
♪ I'll give you something ♪
♪ You won't ever find
in no one else ♪
♪ You told me that you know ♪
♪ But you don't even
know yourself ♪
♪ But do you wanna
wait for me? ♪
♪ Why you run away from me? ♪
♪ Baby, you should
stay with me ♪
♪ No, you don't know that
you got it like that ♪
I am so sorry.
I am ruining this!
- I am so sorry.
- Come here.
I take the lead this time.
OK.
You must be Jaquan.
And you must be Mariah.
Reporting for duty.
Yo, I'm out.
Oh, I mean,
I thought Angie was fine,
but you are way finer.
Bye,
whatever your name was.
So you see anything
you like?
- I mean, everything.
- Mm-hmm.
Damn,
I mean Kendrick's right,
you are way hotter
than your twin.
Funnier, sexier.
You idiot,
there is no twin.
I'm Angie.
Hold up.
So you just pretending
to be your own twin?
As if we haven't all
done that before.
Um, I'm not sure
that we have.
Oh, you're right.
You're right,
you're right,
you are right.
I know I need to stop
doing shit like this.
I knew it was a dumb plan.
I gotta grow up,
you know.
It's just...
it's just...
It's just
if you were 10% less hot,
I would leave.
But I'm here.
And you're here.
So you want to just shut up
and strip for some twin ass?
♪ Buss it wide open and
I tell her bring it back ♪
Uh-huh.
♪ Buss it wide open and
I tell her bring it back ♪
Now, all of this
will definitely bring me
the best luck of my life.
♪ Now tell that boy
keep talking ♪
♪ I'm gon' get them VVSs ♪
♪ I'm like,
if I throw it back ♪
♪ Know this nigga
better catch it ♪
♪ I keep 1942 and bad bitches
in my session ♪
♪ They be nekkid ♪
♪ I'm gon' pop it ♪
♪ I might let you touch it ♪
♪ Just like you'll be
grippin' on me...
Welcome to Everything Grows
in Harlem.
But we're closing right now.
- So make it fast?
- Got it.
Can I help you
with anything?
Which one of these say,
"I struggle to emotionally
connect with people.
"I thought baby steps
would be getting a dog,
"but I need something
without a heartbeat
that can thrive
under my care"?
Wow, if only you could be
more specific.
Got it.
"$15 or less.
My ex wants all my money."
All right,
how about one of these?
Which one is less needy?
Oh, this cactus.
It's strong, it occasionally
gives flowers.
It's very self-sufficient.
And it only requires
minimal watering.
The me of plants.
Perfect.
79.99 for a damn cactus?
Well, that includes
the vase.
OK, it's 30% off,
so that's like $55.
Cool.
30% off is the price
that's marked.
No, 30% off of clearance
is what the sign says.
So 30% off of
the discounted price...
30% off is the clearance.
Unless this is
false advertisement,
in which I will haul your ass
down to court
and I'll have
all these plants.
Wow. I think I'm on
your ex's side.
I'm gonna name you Megan,
Megan Thee Cactus.
You want some air, Megan?
We're gonna have
a lot of fun to...
That relationship lasted
a whole five minutes.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Ooh! Hey, girl.
We are looking
to get our drink on.
Where are the fun
authentic spots?
OK, no.
No.
Oh, shit.
What is he doing here?
And maybe neither past
nor future actually matter.
Maybe the Buddhists
have it right
and that no matter
what happened before
or what happens next,
all that is real is
what happens right now.
I just gotta do it.
I just gotta break up with him.
Yo.
Hey, I've been
texting you.
Hey.
I got worried.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
So I have some news
that is worth
getting overpriced drunk for.
I called my advisor at
University of Chicago.
No, no, Jameson,
I told you
I can't move to Chicago.
Oh, no, no, no, I know.
I called for me.
And as much as I was looking
forward to Skype sex,
um, I'd rather wake up
to you in person.
So long story short,
I told them no.
I'm staying in New York.
Welcome to
happily ever after.
Oh.
♪ Messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text,
I think I failed the test ♪
♪ And then I got undressed,
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Need it in my life,
I'm being so damn reckless ♪
♪ Pull somebody hotter, better
cross it off the checklist ♪
♪ And now I don't know
what to do, do ♪
♪ I wouldn't pick nobody
over you, you ♪
♪ I promise you that other
shit is through, through ♪
♪ Baby,
I'm going crazy over you ♪
♪ 'Cause I done made a mess
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text,
I think I failed the test ♪
♪ And then I got undressed,
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ I, I done made a mess
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text,
I think I failed the test ♪
♪ And then I got undressed,
messin' with my ex, ex, ex ♪
♪ Need it in my life,
need it in my life ♪
♪ And not like all the time,
not like all the time ♪
♪ Only when I hit low,
wanna get it quick mode ♪
♪ I cannot control it,
tell me what I'm in for ♪
♪ I done caught a vibe,
I done caught a vibe ♪
♪ And I pull up in the night,
pull up in the night ♪
♪ I had other motives,
I was out of focus ♪
♪ Shouldn't be together,
didn't even notice ♪
♪ I done made a mess
messin' with my ex ♪
♪ Getting to my head,
man, I shoulda left ♪
♪ Hit you with a text...