Hard Quiz (2016–…): Season 6, Episode 27 - Episode #6.27 - full transcript

VOICEOVER: Tonight on Hard Quiz...

Expert subject, King Henry VII.

Expert subject, dinosaurs.

Expert subject, The Adventures
of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Expert subject,
NBA star Shaquille O'Neal.

Here's your host Tom Gleeson.
Yes!

Hello.

Juicy. Welcome to Hard Quiz.

These contestants are cattle.

Last one to be dehorned will be
tonight's Hard Quiz champion!

To be part of the show at home,
go to the ABCTV socials.



To be part of the show at home,
Let's say hello.

Let's say hello.
G'day Charlie.
G'day Tom.

G'day Charlie.
G'day Tom.

Shaquille O'Neal is
your expert subject.

Why did you become a fan
of this massive unit?

(LAUGHS)

Well, actually, there wasn't a lot
of NBA getting to Australia

back when I was a young fella,
and what did come through was

back when I was a young fella,
Shaquille O'Neal, and a lot of it.

So, I just fell in love
with the Shaq Attack.

Got his book, got his albums, yeah.
So I fell in love from there.

Have you seen him play live?
No I haven't. No.

Have you seen him play live?
Oh, where are you there?

I am at a Lakers game,
but he was well gone by then.



I just had to go to
a Lakers game though.

Right, so you just went
all the way to America

to see the Lakers play
without your idol?

Yeah.
Right.

Just you wanted to see the team
he used to play in?

Just you wanted to see the team
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, he's walked on that ground,
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, he's walked on that ground,
you know. It's hallowed ground.

Now you're trying to turn your son
into a Lakers fan.

Yeah, definitely. My partner,
she's an avid Tigers supporter.

So I lost that battle. So
the backup was Lakers, for sure.

So I lost that battle. So
Do you have a Lakers onesie as well?

(LAUGHS)

No, but the last picture was...

..basically you could make
into a onesie, so, you know,

I'm gonna style that, for sure.

I've got a Hard Quiz onesie.

We could get into it together
and call it a twosie.

(LAUGHTER)

(SHUDDERS)

Kim.
Yes.

The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen
of the Desert is your subject.

When did you first watch it?

Actually quite a while
after it came out,

'cause I was pretty young
when it came out,

so probably wasn't the most
appropriate film for me then.

so probably wasn't the most
Why? What happens in it? Not much?

I don't want to give
Why? What happens in it? Not much?

I don't want to give
the story-line away.

I don't want to give
Oh, OK. Fair enough.

Have you travelled to
any of the locations?

Have you travelled to
Not to the remote locations, no,

but I've spent a fair bit of time
at the Imperial Hotel,

where the opening scene was filmed.

Oh, OK. In Sydney.
Yes.

Oh, yeah. I've been to
the Imperial Hotel.

And, yeah, what happened
was inappropriate.

And, yeah, what happened
Anyway.

And you've met the drag queen
that the film was based on.

Yes. The Imperial had a Priscilla
show, based on the movie,

and, yeah, the original drag queen
that it was based on

used to come and watch it, and
just over time we became friends.

Now, you can tie a lolly snake
with just your tongue.

Did you learn that before or after
you went to the Imperial Hotel?

Did you learn that before or after
(LAUGHTER)

After.
(LAUGHTER)

After.
After.

Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)

Marcus.
Hello, Tom.

Now, you're into dinosaurs.
Love them.

Now, you're into dinosaurs.
Are you a child?

(ALL LAUGH)

I'm enjoying it.
I really am enjoying it, and I am.

You liked dinosaurs as a kid
and you still like dinosaurs.

Yes. I haven't grown very much. Yep.

So why the interest?

I like the idea that
they're in the ground

for a really, really,
really long time,

and then they're in a gallery

and people are just, like, looking
and then they're in a gallery

and people are just, like, looking
under every part of them.

Like, it's a violation
of their privacy.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, you used to pretend
to be a dinosaur

for a good chunk of your childhood.

Yeah, I did. Yeah.

Can you give us a taste
of that impression?

Oh, sure.

(ROARS)

(APPLAUSE)

So it's no surprise that you ended up
going to drama school.

Is that right?
You're studying at AFTRS.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, what are you studying there?

I'm doing my Master
of Screenwriting.

So not palaeontology.
No, no. No.

OK, so your knowledge of dinosaurs
is limited, I'm guessing?

OK, so your knowledge of dinosaurs
I remember a lot,

but I haven't taken it much further.

Yep.
but I haven't taken it much further.

Yep.
OK.

Now, you submitted a demo reel
to the ABC comedy department.

Now, you submitted a demo reel
Let's have a look.

The way that I got famous,
running my hair salon in London.

My name is Debbie.

Conflicting commitments.

You are mad.

Ginger good for the throat.

I'll give you some handy tips.

In your face.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

What feedback did the ABC give you?

"Not for us."

Jean.
"Not for us."

Jean.
Hi, Tom.

King Henry VII...
Yes.

King Henry VII...
..is your subject. Why the interest?

Well, everyone's really interested
in his train wreck of a son,

but I feel like his dad
was much more interesting.

So you like him
'cause he was overlooked.

No, I like him 'cause he was, like,
quite boring in some ways.

No, I like him 'cause he was, like,
OK.

That's what I said,
I said overlooked.

You can't be interesting and
overlooked, it doesn't make sense.

Henry VIII Is a bit too
mainstream for you?

Pretty much.
But you like Henry VII.

Pretty much.
Yes. I liked him before he was cool.

OK. I'm not sure
he's become cool yet.

OK. I'm not sure
(LAUGHTER)

And I suspect he won't
by the end of the show.

Now, you have an extensive
board game collection.

I do.

I mean, they're, like,
archive shelves, aren't they?

I mean, they're, like,
How many do you have?

I own, like, two sets of
compactuses.

Do you have the Hard Quiz
board game?

I didn't know there was one.
What?!

I didn't know there was one.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

I've been flogging that board game
at the end of this show every night

I've been flogging that board game
for, like, a year.

It's probably...
for, like, a year.

It's probably...
And it passed you by?

It's probably...
No, but the Hard Quiz board game

is like the Henry VIII board game,
it's mainstream.

is like the Henry VIII board game,
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Alright.
Good save.

Let's play, HARD.

VOICEOVER: Win or lose five points.

Steal an answer, double points.

I'll ask each of you five questions
on your expert subject.

Right, you get five points, wrong,
I will take five points from you.

The rest of you can steal at
any time to get double points.

Let's start with Jean and her
expert subject King Henry VII.

Henry VII's heirs included
granddaughter Elizabeth I

and son Henry VIII,

with their surname used for
what architectural style?

Jean.
Tudor.

Jean.
Correct.

Henry adopted the Tudor rose
as his emblem,

incorporating the red rose
of the Lancasters

and, from the House of York,
a rose of what colour?

Jean.
White.

Jean.
Correct.

Succeeding Richard III as king,

Henry became the last ever
English monarch

to seize the Crown via what means?

Jean.
Combat.

Jean.
Correct.

Today, the royals do combat on Oprah.

During his reign, visiting
dignitaries were given

this large gold coin which features
Henry VII on the throne,

and is named what, after the king?

Jean.
The sovereign.

Correct.

Yeah, there was no Instagram
back then,

so the only way you could
be an influencer

so the only way you could
was to put your head on a coin.

Last question in your set, Jean.

In Shakespeare's Richard III,

the future King Henry VII
is known as Richmond,

referring to what noble rank?

Jean.
Earl.

Correct. Five from five!

Time now for Marcus and dinosaurs.

Marcus, do you want to get us
in the mood for dinosaurs again?

Marcus, do you want to get us
(LAUGHTER)

I'll do a little one?
Yeah.

I'll do a little one?
(GROWLS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Yeah, that worked.

A 2013 study revealed that one
of the largest ever land animals,

diplodocus, ate so much that,
on average, every 35 days,

what part of it was replaced?

Marcus.
Stomach.

Incorrect. It's wide open.

Is it?

For the steal, it's Charlie.

Throat.

Incorrect.

Wide open.

Is that a clue?

(TIMER BUZZES)

Time's up. Teeth.
Yeah, it was actually, yeah.

Yeah, like, every 35 days
they replace their teeth,

'cause they eat so much.

And the same thing happens
to the MasterChef judges.

Jurassic Park director
Steven Spielberg rejected

a palaeontologist's suggestion that
velociraptors were brightly coloured

and adorned with what?

Marcus.
Feathers.

Marcus.
Correct.

This is what they would
have looked like.

They just look like chooks.

The spikes and frills on this
dinosaur skull led to it being given

the Latin name for what
mythological creature?

Kim, for the steal.
Dragon.

Kim, for the steal.
Correct. Double points to you.

Discovered near Lightning Ridge,
New South Wales,

is a dog-sized dinosaur whose fossils
were found in what gemstone?

Marcus.
Opal.

Correct.

Last question in your set, Marcus.

A pioneer fossil hunter
who discovered the ichthyosaur,

Mary Anning, is thought to have
inspired a tongue twister

about selling what by the seashore?

For the steal, it's Charlie.
Seashells.

For the steal, it's Charlie.
Correct. Double points to you.

Next set of questions is for Kim,

on The Adventures of Priscilla,
Next set of questions is for Kim,

on The Adventures of Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert.

The movie's title comes from
Guy Pearce's character Adam,

when he christens what as
Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?

Kim.
The bus that they travel on.

Kim.
Correct.

As well as being a drag performer,

Hugo Weaving's character Mitzi makes
money selling what type of products?

Kim.
Make-up.

Kim.
Correct.

Do you remember the brand there?
Yes.

How do you say it?
Whoa man.

Whoa, man.
Yep.

The bus trip ends with a performance
in Alice Springs,

where stage costumes include
frill-necked lizards,

where stage costumes include
emus and what iconic building?

Kim.
Sydney Opera House.

Kim.
Correct.

Here's Margaret Pomeranz
on The Movie Show.

I hope everybody loves it
as much as I do.

I hope everybody loves it
I've seen it twice now.

I'm biased, I admit that,

but I really think they've done
a fantastic job.

Margaret says she's biased
for what reason?

Kim.
She starred as Guy Pearce's mother.

Kim.
Correct.

Yeah, she plays Adam's mother
in a montage

of them all packing
to get on the bus.

But she wasn't actually
credited in the film.

No.
No.

No.
Last question in your set, Kim.

Terence Stamp said he would
only take on the role

of transgender character Bernadette

if her boyfriend was played by
which iconic Australian actor?

Kim.
Bill Hunter.

Kim.
Correct. Five from five!

Last set in the expert round -
it's Charlie and Shaquille O'Neal.

Leaving college as
the number one draft pick,

Shaq signed with Orlando Magic, going
on to win which NBA new player award?

Charlie.
Rookie of the year.

Charlie.
Correct.

On the market for several years,
Shaq's Florida mansion

has design elements inspired
by which superhero?

Charlie.
Superman.

Charlie.
Correct.

Superman's one of his nicknames,
isn't it?

Superman's one of his nicknames,
Yeah, one of many.

Diesel, the Big Shaqtus,

the Big Aristotle, Shaqasso.

You want more? You want more?

Do you have any more?
No.

Shaq won three consecutive
championships at the LA Lakers,

but left in 2004 after a feud
with which teammate?

Charlie.
Kobe Bryant.

Charlie.
Correct.

NBA rules were changed due
to intentional fouls against O'Neal,

where competitors exploited his
low percentage on which shot?

Charlie.
Free throw.

Charlie.
Correct.

They'd force him to do
a free throw, is that right?

They'd force him to do
Yeah, so...

So they'd deliberately
Yeah, so...

So they'd deliberately
get a foul on him.

Yep, if you get enough fouls
in any one quarter,

then whoever you foul goes to
the free-throw line for two shots.

If you're fouling someone
like Steve Nash,

who shoots all of his shots,
then that's a stupid tactic.

But if you're shooting,
you know, if you're fouling Shaq,

But if you're shooting,
who's got an awful record, then...

Yeah, so then he's wasting time
and not scoring points.

Yeah, so then he's wasting time
Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, a bit like what
I'm making you do now.

Absolutely.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Alright, last question
in your set, Charlie.

Shaq starred in
the 1996 movie Kazaam

about a boy who discovers a boom box
with what magical spirit inside?

Charlie.
Genie.

Charlie.
Correct.

Yes, that is a is a real movie,
and, yes, they made it.

Yes, that is a is a real movie,
Have you seen that movie?

Oh, studying for the show,
Have you seen that movie?

Oh, studying for the show,
actually, this week I watched it

Oh, studying for the show,
with my partner.

It was one of the better movies
that we watched of Shaq actually.

Five from five!

Alright, we churned
through their subjects,

Alright, we churned
now let's churn through mine.

This week I've been really
getting into social media.

Social media is a great way
to catch up with people

Social media is a great way
you don't give a shit about.

This round is multiple choice.

Select your answers on your screens,

then press the buzzer
to lock in the answer.

Need to make up some
ground here, Marcus.

Yep.

Are you sure you don't want to
make another dinosaur noise?

You might impress ABC comedy
department who are watching.

They might give you
a dinosaur series.

The answer is C, SixDegrees.

The answer is B, star.

Yes.

The answer is B, Kylie Jenner bagged
Snapchat on Twitter.

Yeah, she said, "So, does anyone
else not open Snapchat anymore?

"Or is it just me...
Ugh, this is so sad."

Don't know why I said that
like Josh Thomas, but I did.

The correct answer is C, sharp.

Alright, last question
in my round's worth double points.

Who's gonna be booted out?

(LAUGHTER)

Anything could happen.

Wow, they are lots of things
I did not notice on Instagram.

(MARCUS GROANS)

Marcus! Take your time.

I'd hate for you to get it wrong.

Yes, it had over 50 million likes,

and was later revealed to be a
promotion for mental health awareness

on social media.

Alright, at the end of my round,
Marcus you're at the bottom on -20.

Alright, at the end of my round,
Get over here.

At the top of the show,
Marcus, I said I suspect

At the top of the show,
you don't know much about dinosaurs,

and you have confirmed that.

But you have, I think, broken
a record for the lowest score.

Well, it's equal lowest, I think.

We've only had -20
one other time, I think.

That's something to be proud of.
(LAUGHTER)

I'm happy with that.
OK.

Alright, get your dinosaur arse
outta here, Marcus. Out!

You beauty, it's the People's Round!

Water your plants,
play along at home.

Your time starts now.
Water your plants,
play along at home.

Your time starts now.

The Bathurst 1000 is
held on which circuit?

Kim.
Mount Panorama.

Yes. Kids in Australia are
colloquially known as ankle what?

Jean.
Biters.

Yes. How many centimetres
make one metre?

Charlie.
100.

Yes. Absence is said to make
which organ grow fonder?

Kim.
Heart.

Yes. In 2019, Australian singer Tones
& I had what global number one hit?

Jean.
Dance For Me.

No. Dance Monkey. Tony Abbott awarded
a knighthood to which royal?

Charlie.
Prince Phillip.

Yes. Litchfield Penitentiary
is the setting for TV drama...

Kim.
Orange Is the New Black.

Yes. Guernica is a painting
by Spanish artist Pablo who?

Charlie.
Picasso.

Charlie.
Yes. Time's up.

Alright, at the end of
the People's Round.

Jean, you're at the bottom on 10.
Get over here.

Well, Jean, I guess you've got
plenty of extra time now

to play your board games.

Do you feel like you may have been
overlooked, like your monarch?

No, I feel like I got myself here.

OK. (LAUGHS)

Well, at least you're honest with
yourself, Jean, that's to be admired.

Well, at least you're honest with
Out!

See ya later.

Alright, only two left.

Who's going to be
the Hard Quiz champion?

Kim and Charlie get over here,
because it's time to play Hard Quiz.

Shaquille O'Neal versus

The Adventures of Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert.

Now, there can only be one
Hard Quiz champion

who gets to take home
the limited edition big brass mug.

What will you do with
the mug if you win, Kim?

I'm going to use it
as a water bowl for my dog.

OK.
(LAUGHTER)

What kind of dog?

He's a Jack Russell terrier
cross mini foxy.

Your dog could sleep in there.
Nearly. Nearly.

OK. What about you, Charlie?

It's either gonna be a bit of a tub
for all the shitty nappies

It's either gonna be a bit of a tub
and clothes for my son Jack.

Just to soak in and get clean.

Or I'm going to put it upside down,
put it on the mantel,

and get that Gold Logie
you're gonna get me,

and get that Gold Logie
Tom, and put it on top of that.

Some jobs are just
not quite possible.

It's best of five,
penalty shoot-out-style,

harder questions
on your expert subjects.

So it's Kim's knowledge of Priscilla,
Queen of the Desert

versus Charlie's knowledge
of Shaquille O'Neal.

versus Charlie's knowledge
Let's play, HARD!

Kim, Polygram Pictures committed
half a millions dollars to the film,

insisting their music library
was used,

despite the director wanting only
songs by which Aussie artist?

despite the director wanting only
Ooh.

OK, I think I'm pretty sure
that would be Kylie Minogue.

OK, I think I'm pretty sure
Correct.

Yeah, Elliott was later able
to rectify the situation with Kylie

by having several of her tracks
included in the musical.

Yes.

Charlie, described by Shaq as
"Bump, spin, bump,

"get you off balance,
and then dunk in your face,"

is a signature move
with what nickname?

Ooh, OK.

So, he was a low-post player,

that's why he had a high percentage
for field goals.

Could have been a few things
he could have called it.

Could have been a few things
Maybe the washing machine.

But I'm just going to have
to stick with Shaq Attack.

Incorrect.

The correct answer is
the Black Tornedo.

No way.

Lucky he said that about himself,
isn't it?

Lucky he said that about himself,
I feel like I couldn't make that up.

Unless I was Daryl Somers.

(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Kim, to prepare,

Stamp studied the mannerisms
of actor Jacqueline Bisset,

Stamp studied the mannerisms
which can be seen in a montage

when his character walks alone in the
desert and sits down to do what?

OK.

Trying to remember the scene.

I have no idea, but I'm just
trying to think of the scene.

I can picture him
walking in the desert.

I can picture him
Um...

I'm gonna have to take
a stab in the dark.

I'm gonna have to take
Uh...

..apply make-up.

Correct.

Yeah, she sat down to
reapply her lipstick.

Charlie, O'Neal's song...

(LAUGHS)

..I Know I Got Skillz
reached top 10 on the rap charts,

and according to the lyrics,
Shaq says ET stands for what?

Um... I was listening
to this album today.

ET.

Do you listen to the album regularly?
No, no.

Just when I'm studying
for certain shows.

ET.

It's gotta be...

Uh... well, he did describe himself
as a bit of a hard man,

and, you know, he obviously
starred in that...

..Steel movie, and he called himself
"most dominant ever".

And Diesel because he's
got the endurance of...

..endurance and toughness
of a diesel engine.

..endurance and toughness
Just buying myself time.

Put yourself out of your misery.
Yeah, yeah.

Put yourself out of your misery.
Let's go "extra tough".

Incorrect. The correct answer
is "Extra-Tallems".

Incorrect. The correct answer
Tallems.

So, it goes, "I dribble rhymes
Tallems.

So, it goes, "I dribble rhymes
like basketball-ems,

So, it goes, "I dribble rhymes
"people call me ET, Extra-Tallems."

Course it does.

Kim, the drag queens occasionally
cross paths with a woman

Kim, the drag queens occasionally
on a solo cross-continent marathon.

Mm-hm.

What is the name
Mm-hm.

What is the name
of the sponsored run?

Oh, I thought you were going
to ask me who it was.

I know who it is.

'Cause she was involved
in the producing

or directing of the film.

I don't give a shit about that.

(LAUGHTER)

I studied the wrong bit
(LAUGHTER)

I studied the wrong bit
of information there, didn't I?

I studied the wrong bit
Um...

Southern Cross Adventures.
I have no idea.

Incorrect. The correct answer
is Philips Coast to Coast Classic.

So, yes, it's just shown
very briefly on that sign.

Charlie, in a 1993 game,

Shaq recorded the first
of two career triple doubles.

24 points, 28 rebounds,
and how many blocks?

Mmm, he was busy that day.

That's a lot of points,
a lot of beef on the rebounds.

I'm going to have to say...

Couldn't just settle at 10,
I don't think.

He would have had to have made
a point sort of going beyond that,

He would have had to have made
just to double digits.

I reckon it was 12.

Incorrect. The correct answer is 15.

You were sneaking up on it there.
I was.

Kim, if you get this right you are
tonight's Hard Quiz champion.

To save money, 120 yellow pompoms
for Felicia's wattle dress

were made by sending pre-cut fabric
to people at which facility?

I have no idea again.

But...

Does it have to be the exact
facility, or type of facility?

Have you watched the show?

(LAUGHTER)

I need the facility.

OK, um...

The Imperial Hotel.

Incorrect.
The correct answer is Long Bay Jail.

I was gonna say a jail, but then
I thought, I don't know which one.

I was gonna say a jail, but then
Well, I would have needed the jail.

The fabric was pre-cut

because the inmates weren't
permitted access to scissors.

If you get this wrong,
then, Kim, you are tonight's

If you get this wrong,
Hard Quiz champion.

Charlie, Shaq says his biggest
mistake was turning down an offer

from CEO Howard Schultz to invest
in franchises of which company?

Right. So he is
a bit of businessman.

He's got... I think he's
chairman of Papa John's,

he owns a Krispy Kreme in Atlanta.

Turned it down.

So he's got all these
Turned it down.

So he's got all these
other businesses,

So he's got all these
but what did he turn down?

Oh...
Look, I think I'm going to say...

..In-N-Out Burger.

Incorrect. The correct
answer is Starbucks.

Ah.

Which means, Kim, you are tonight's
Hard Quiz champion!

Alright, Charlie,
you know what this means. Out!

There he goes.

Congratulations, Kim, you are
tonight's Hard Quiz champion.

You get the big brass mug,
and you get to do the sign-off.

You get the big brass mug,
Thanks for playing, HARD!

Well done.