Happyish (2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Starring Josey Wales, Jesus Christ and the New York Times - full transcript
When Thom misses a morning meeting, Gottfrid questions his priorities; Lee finds a new studio.
Do you know this play?
"Death of a Salesman" by Arthur Miller.
The most depressing three hours
you'll ever spend in a theater.
Miserable guy in a
miserable job kills himself.
The miserable end.
Thanks, Arthur. Thank you.
Thanks for reminding me all comes
to shit, because I didn't know that.
Thoughts of tragedy don't
occupy my mind 24 hours a day.
You want tragedy? I can write you tragedy.
Tragedy is easy. Make me
forget it's all a tragedy.
Make me laugh at the misery.
Then you deserve an award.
Ooh, Arthur Miller.
Fuck you, Arthur Miller!
So I'm on the train
and this jackass next to
me is reading the "Times."
- "The New York Times"?
- Yeah, the fucking "New York Times."
- And how does that make him a jackass?
- 'Cause he's reading the news.
- News is for suckers.
- Yeah, because this jackass
thinks he needs to know about Syria.
So now I'm looking over his shoulder.
Now I think I need to know about Syria
and it fucks up my whole day 'cause
I'm trying to solve it and fix it.
So information makes you a sucker?
It's not information. It's distraction.
I'm so glad I rented that barn.
Just needed to get away from this world.
- To the barn.
- To the barn.
That's exactly why I became a Buddhist.
- Ahem, wait. A Buddhist?
- A Buddhist.
- Since when are you a Buddhist?
- Since when? Since fuck you, how about that?
If you're a Buddhist, you're the
angriest Buddhist in the world.
Good for you, Barry.
Self-improvement. I admire it.
- Thank you.
- Yes, exactly.
Oh, come... why is religion
automatically self-improvement?
Why is it not a decline?
Maybe it's failure. Maybe it's surrender.
Well, you obviously don't
know shit about Buddhism.
- You're a very angry Buddhist, Barry.
- I'm not angry, shithead.
- I'm present.
- Well, you're here.
I'm present. I'm more present
than you, asshole, okay?
I'm present like a motherfucker.
Okay? Listen, I'm a lawyer
for the family court.
I mean, I left a city
job, followed my dream,
tried to be some sort
of hero, and it's what?
It's one failure at life
and love after the next one.
And my job barely makes a dent.
I mean, at this point it's
either Buddhism or heroin.
Acceptance of misery.
Life is endless suffering.
Maybe I should become a Buddhist.
Hey, Buddhists don't fuck around,
okay? Buddhists call bullshit.
And let's face it, life
is fucking bullshit.
So it's kind of like organized misery.
Well, it's better than disorganized misery.
Let me tell you something, adman.
That's Buddhism's tagline... "Fuck it."
Fuck it."
I mean, it's all a pile of shit anyway.
I didn't know Buddhism had a tagline.
Well, you heard it from me.
Christianity doesn't have a tagline.
Sure, it does. "You fucked up."
You fucked up."
Jews, it's just, "We're fucked."
Well, that's what you
get for killing Jesus.
A strange thing happens
when you hit your 40s.
_
Things start falling apart.
_
Suddenly everyone is splitting up.
_
They're dropping dead.
_
And so you start to think about death...
_
and how you're spending your life.
_
And if you're spending it well or...
_
just spending it.
_
There's a famous Buddhist, Thich Nhat Hanh,
and he says you shouldn't
worry about death.
He says, "Clouds don't
worry about becoming rain."
But clouds don't have kids, Thich.
Clouds don't have to worry
about burying their cloud kids
or their cloud kids burying them.
You know who else doesn't have kids?
Thich Nhat fucking Hanh.
Dad?
Hey, buddy.
We didn't do hugs.
I thought you were sleeping, you lunatic.
- What are you doing up?
- Come up.
- I'm so late, buddy.
- But it's so early.
Not early enough. Time
to make the doughnuts.
You're making doughnuts?
Just a joke.
Oh.
But we didn't do hugs!
I'm so late. Extra hugs later, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay. Love you!
- Love you!
- Love you, buddy!
Love you, Dad!
Love you, Dada!
Yeah, sure.
He dies in the end.
Comes back, though.
Oh.
Oh.
Motherfuck!
Whoa!
I swear to God, it's like they
know when I'm wearing a new outfit.
Or when I have an early meeting.
That's weird. The train stopped
just outside the station.
Mm, nothing weird about
these trains anymore.
Oh, God.
- Marvelous.
- Fuck.
Every fucking day.
And then they charge you an arm and a leg.
Marvelous.
Hey.
Walter, hi. Come in.
- Hi, Lee.
- Come in, it's freezing.
Hi, Munchkin.
I just wanted to make sure
everything's okay on your first day.
- Oh, it's perfect.
- I don't want to disturb your work.
No, not at all.
It's a bit cold with the heater out.
I called the gas company...
Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
No, I could not be happier.
- Do you want some tea?
- Sure.
I mean, honestly, I could
not love this place any more.
It's just... it's exactly what I needed.
You know? Just to get away.
No Wi-Fi, no cell, just away.
You know, this is kind of
exactly why we moved to Woodstock
in the first place, you know?
Just to get away from people, from noise,
from all that suffocating
culture, you know?
"Must see this," "must buy that."
You know, movies,
television, news.
You know?
All those prying eyes.
So...
- Here you go.
- Uh...
well, it's a special place.
This used to be your studio?
Are you from New York?
Uh, Long Island.
- You know...
- Oh.
Jewish self-loathing, Holocaust,
theological ambivalence, disappointment
to my mother... the whole shebang.
Mm.
Mm, well, you know what, Walter?
I think... I only have a couple
more hours, so I think I'm...
I should... I think I'm
just gonna get back to work.
But thank you so much for stopping.
I lost most of my family in the camps.
Oh, my gosh. Uh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to...
The death camps.
Right.
Yeah, in Poland.
Oh, f... yeah, of course.
Well, who didn't back then, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Eh, life goes on.
Life goes on. Life... life goes on.
- Ah.
- Not for my parents, though.
No.
My mother died in Auschwitz
in the gas chambers.
Ah, uh-huh.
My father didn't, though.
- No?
- No, no.
The typhoid. Bergen-Belsen.
Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
My sister... I mean,
my oldest sister, Ruth.
She was in the resistance.
Oh, wow. Good for her.
- Good for her.
- Not for long, though.
No?
The Nazis found them about
a week after she joined.
- I see.
- Shot her in the back of the head.
- Ruth.
- Point-blank.
Yeah, sure. Ooh.
Wow.
My younger sister Tamar,
she survived Treblinka.
She did?
Of course, the liberators
gave them all food
and she ate too quickly.
- Uh-oh.
- Died two days later.
Mm.
- Diarrhea.
- Oh, that'll do her.
Terrible way to go.
- I knew others.
- Mm.
38 billion water bottles wasted each year.
17 million barrels of oil annually
to make those wasted
plastic water bottles...
yada, yada, yada.
But what if we're not the enemy?
What if we're the savior?
Mississippi River. Polluted.
Ohio River. Polluted.
According to the EPA, more than half
of the rivers and waterways
in the United States
can no longer support life.
13,000 miles of river ways
contain fish with
elevated levels of mercury.
This is not just ecological apocalypse.
This is a wonderful
opportunity for Nestle Waters.
The anti-tap water strategy
worked for a while,
but we need to expand that.
Nowadays, you can't trust any water.
Except ours.
We're not polluters,
we're environmentalists.
Let's make pollution work for us.
We are not the problem.
We are the solution.
- I love it.
- That's great.
I love it. Isn't...
isn't Thom supposed to be here? Thom?
Your tax dollars at work, folks!
Your fucking tax dollars at work.
You think they give a damn if I'm late?
They don't give a damn.
I'm an attorney.
I have motions to file, cases to try.
They are interfering with a
basic constitutional right.
- We're all late for work.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It's supposed to mean shut up.
That's what it's supposed to mean.
- Unbelievable.
- Liz, hey, it's me.
We're stopped. Dead stopped.
Listen, I need you to
move my 9:00 to 10:00,
my 10:00 to 11:00, my 11:00 to 12:00,
cancel my lunch with Bob and see
if he can do drinks on Tuesday.
I'll call in for my 4:00
on my way to my 3:00,
but don't schedule anything after
5:00 in case my 4:00 runs long.
- Hello?
- Thom?
Hey, guys. Uh, bad news.
The train is at a dead stop.
Better late than never, Thom!
Thank you, Gottfrid.
As Gustaff says,
"No worms for you, Mr. Early Bird."
Stay with us, Thom.
Yeah, I'm gonna stay on the line.
Hopefully the train will start moving soon.
So instead of being the
evil plastic bottle makers,
Nestle becomes the voice
of environmentalism.
"We just want you to have clean water.
But there isn't any. So
we go out, we find it,
- and we bring it to your supermarket."
- Yeah, I love it.
- Great opportunities for social here, right?
- Yeah.
- Would you like the front page?
- No, thank you.
- Read it?
- No.
- Get it on your iPad?
- No.
Then how come you don't want it?
Because I don't.
- Why not?
- "Why not"?
Aren't you interested
in the world around you?
- Uh, no, I'm not.
- How can you say that?
Uh, very happily.
- Hey.
- What?
Can you turn that down,
please? It's very "boom, boom."
It's affecting other people.
You can't just bury your head in the sand.
- Yes, you can.
- You need to stay informed.
Okay, so what have you
learned today in that newspaper
that you didn't know a year ago?
Or 10 years ago? That
the Middle East is fucked?
That politicians lie, that
people kill? That's not news.
There's not enough misery in your own life,
and it's hard enough trying
to get through the day
without learning about all the people
who didn't get through yesterday.
That is the most selfish
thing I've ever heard.
Okay, why do you read the newspapers?
Hmm? What, are you going to cure Ebola?
Are you going to solve the
Ukraine or Bahrain or acid rain?
You read the newspaper 'cause
you think it gives you an edge.
Helps you get ahead.
Helps you stay connected.
You know? That's selfish and deluded.
You only care about yourself.
The best thing people can do for
others is to examine themselves.
But of course it's a lot
easier to look in the pages
of "The New York Times" than
it is to look in the mirror.
For your information, I hap...
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
- We apologize for the extended delay.
- Bullshit!
As the train was entering
the station this morning,
it struck a commuter who
had fallen on the tracks.
Despite making every effort
to stop the train in time,
this collision resulted in a fatality.
This train is now a crime
scene and may not be moved.
We apologize for this inconvenience
and will be sending another train
shortly on the opposite track.
That train will continue on
to Manhattan's Grand Central Station.
We apologize again for the delay.
Well, she's a very old dog,
but her hearing started to
go a couple of years back.
Oh, that'll happen.
- It's not so bad...
- Mm-hmm.
Except that she has diabetes.
Mm.
If she doesn't get her
shots on time, don't ask.
You know what, Walter? I am so sorry.
I've got to pick up my son in,
like, an hour from school, so I've...
She'd never make it through the night.
No, I wouldn't think so.
Her sister died last year.
I figured.
- Coyotes got her.
- Yep.
Fuck!
Okay.
Almighty Father, eternal God,
hear our prayers for Your son/daughter
whom You have called from
this life to Yourself.
Grant him/her light, happiness, and peace.
Let him/her pass in safety
through the gates of death.
Guard him/her from harm.
And on that great day of resurrection,
raise him/her up with all Your saints.
Amen.
Amen.
So horrible.
It's unbelievable.
It could've been anyone, you know?
I didn't hug my son this morning.
Just, you know, "Sorry, buddy, gotta go.
Time to make the doughnuts."
You know what? I think you were right.
About this newspaper, about the world.
I mean, I waste so much time
thinking about everything
but what really matters.
I mean, newspapers,
trade papers, magazines,
blogs, Twitter feeds,
"People" fucking magazine,
all day, every day, and for what?
I mean, should it take death
to make you think about life?
It really makes you think, you know?
About how you're spending your life.
That's why I carry Jesus in my heart.
Because all of life is just a
chance to get closer to Jesus.
And when you get closer to
Jesus, you get closer to peace.
It's been so long since
I've been to church.
I should go,
get some perspective, you know?
I picture myself doing
all this stupid work.
Happy as a pig in shit.
It doesn't matter how happy you are.
- It's still shit.
- Mm-hmm.
And if you're happy in shit...
You're probably a pig.
Mm-hmm.
I hear she was reading
her iPad when she fell in.
So sad.
I hear the new one's
gonna have a better screen.
The old one already had retina display.
No, I don't mean the
display, I mean the screen.
- What about the screen?
- Split.
- Split?
- Split. You can have two windows open.
- No way!
- Way.
I gotta get to the Apple Store.
Me, too. Where the fuck is this train?
It's typical. They screwed up my morning,
they might as well screw up my afternoon.
How hard could it be for
them to find one train?
Hey, Liz. Still waiting. Listen.
Send me the email with the Word
doc you converted from that PDF.
I'll enclose the JPEGs,
upload it to Dropbox,
and you can transfer it
all to the final PowerPoint.
Make sure you cc Gary and David, bcc Amy...
We can't just go in with a bunch of TV.
Wieden & Bulgari are gonna come in...
with a mountain of digital shit.
We should think about, at some point,
of advocacy work we can do.
You know, "fight pollution," or whatever,
while reminding everyone
not to drink other water.
Definitely.
Classic zero-to-hero strategy.
Our target lives online.
I take some money out of traditional media,
really make this a Facebook-led campaign.
I say take the money,
give half to Greenpeace,
spend the other half publicizing
the hell out of our donation.
We did charity last year, Jonathan.
It barely moved the needle.
I think we can spend our
money better elsewhere.
Track 18! Track 18!
What about #GiveADamn?
You didn't send a PDF, Liz, you sent a zip.
Just send me a JPEG, for Christ's sake.
I like this idea of #GiveADamn.
You know, really involve the consumer...
Come on, no, no, no.
I've had a hell of a day!
We need a handle for this,
something that encapsulates the idea
that natural water is dangerous.
Oh, well, how about just that?
How about, um...
you know, "Natural Water Isn't."
When it is, you can drink
it, but it's not right now.
I like that.
You could just have,
"Because Natural Water Isn't,"
then a list of chemicals in the ocean
versus a Poland Spring bottle.
Compelling. That's a good one, Thom.
- You almost here?
- Um...
no.
We're still on the train.
Just sitting here.
We hit something on the track.
I hope they at least killed it, yes, Thom?
Okay, uh, let's talk
about the presentation...
This is the last call for 156,
Southeast Scarborough
through South Fordham.
Here's what else happens
when you hit your 40s.
You start thinking about
"The Outlaw Josey Wales."
At least I did.
Clint Eastwood, 1976.
Josey's in this bar when a guy walks in.
Bad guy, black hat, cigar in his mouth.
Hey!
"I'm looking for Josey Wales," he calls
out. Josey's standing in the shadows,
hand on his pistol, says,
"Are you a bounty hunter?"
The guy turns to him and says,
"A man's gotta do something
for a living these days."
Josey sneers, looks at him, and says,
"Dyin' ain't much of a living, boy."
"Dying ain't much of a living, boy."
And then he shoots him through the heart.
Great, this was a very productive meeting.
I'm happy. Thom, are you happy?
Did we lose him?
I think we lost him.
Jonathan, I really think Thom
needs to get his priorities straight.
Thom? Thom, you there?
Thom?
"Death of a Salesman" by Arthur Miller.
The most depressing three hours
you'll ever spend in a theater.
Miserable guy in a
miserable job kills himself.
The miserable end.
Thanks, Arthur. Thank you.
Thanks for reminding me all comes
to shit, because I didn't know that.
Thoughts of tragedy don't
occupy my mind 24 hours a day.
You want tragedy? I can write you tragedy.
Tragedy is easy. Make me
forget it's all a tragedy.
Make me laugh at the misery.
Then you deserve an award.
Ooh, Arthur Miller.
Fuck you, Arthur Miller!
So I'm on the train
and this jackass next to
me is reading the "Times."
- "The New York Times"?
- Yeah, the fucking "New York Times."
- And how does that make him a jackass?
- 'Cause he's reading the news.
- News is for suckers.
- Yeah, because this jackass
thinks he needs to know about Syria.
So now I'm looking over his shoulder.
Now I think I need to know about Syria
and it fucks up my whole day 'cause
I'm trying to solve it and fix it.
So information makes you a sucker?
It's not information. It's distraction.
I'm so glad I rented that barn.
Just needed to get away from this world.
- To the barn.
- To the barn.
That's exactly why I became a Buddhist.
- Ahem, wait. A Buddhist?
- A Buddhist.
- Since when are you a Buddhist?
- Since when? Since fuck you, how about that?
If you're a Buddhist, you're the
angriest Buddhist in the world.
Good for you, Barry.
Self-improvement. I admire it.
- Thank you.
- Yes, exactly.
Oh, come... why is religion
automatically self-improvement?
Why is it not a decline?
Maybe it's failure. Maybe it's surrender.
Well, you obviously don't
know shit about Buddhism.
- You're a very angry Buddhist, Barry.
- I'm not angry, shithead.
- I'm present.
- Well, you're here.
I'm present. I'm more present
than you, asshole, okay?
I'm present like a motherfucker.
Okay? Listen, I'm a lawyer
for the family court.
I mean, I left a city
job, followed my dream,
tried to be some sort
of hero, and it's what?
It's one failure at life
and love after the next one.
And my job barely makes a dent.
I mean, at this point it's
either Buddhism or heroin.
Acceptance of misery.
Life is endless suffering.
Maybe I should become a Buddhist.
Hey, Buddhists don't fuck around,
okay? Buddhists call bullshit.
And let's face it, life
is fucking bullshit.
So it's kind of like organized misery.
Well, it's better than disorganized misery.
Let me tell you something, adman.
That's Buddhism's tagline... "Fuck it."
Fuck it."
I mean, it's all a pile of shit anyway.
I didn't know Buddhism had a tagline.
Well, you heard it from me.
Christianity doesn't have a tagline.
Sure, it does. "You fucked up."
You fucked up."
Jews, it's just, "We're fucked."
Well, that's what you
get for killing Jesus.
A strange thing happens
when you hit your 40s.
_
Things start falling apart.
_
Suddenly everyone is splitting up.
_
They're dropping dead.
_
And so you start to think about death...
_
and how you're spending your life.
_
And if you're spending it well or...
_
just spending it.
_
There's a famous Buddhist, Thich Nhat Hanh,
and he says you shouldn't
worry about death.
He says, "Clouds don't
worry about becoming rain."
But clouds don't have kids, Thich.
Clouds don't have to worry
about burying their cloud kids
or their cloud kids burying them.
You know who else doesn't have kids?
Thich Nhat fucking Hanh.
Dad?
Hey, buddy.
We didn't do hugs.
I thought you were sleeping, you lunatic.
- What are you doing up?
- Come up.
- I'm so late, buddy.
- But it's so early.
Not early enough. Time
to make the doughnuts.
You're making doughnuts?
Just a joke.
Oh.
But we didn't do hugs!
I'm so late. Extra hugs later, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay. Love you!
- Love you!
- Love you, buddy!
Love you, Dad!
Love you, Dada!
Yeah, sure.
He dies in the end.
Comes back, though.
Oh.
Oh.
Motherfuck!
Whoa!
I swear to God, it's like they
know when I'm wearing a new outfit.
Or when I have an early meeting.
That's weird. The train stopped
just outside the station.
Mm, nothing weird about
these trains anymore.
Oh, God.
- Marvelous.
- Fuck.
Every fucking day.
And then they charge you an arm and a leg.
Marvelous.
Hey.
Walter, hi. Come in.
- Hi, Lee.
- Come in, it's freezing.
Hi, Munchkin.
I just wanted to make sure
everything's okay on your first day.
- Oh, it's perfect.
- I don't want to disturb your work.
No, not at all.
It's a bit cold with the heater out.
I called the gas company...
Oh, it's fine. It's fine.
No, I could not be happier.
- Do you want some tea?
- Sure.
I mean, honestly, I could
not love this place any more.
It's just... it's exactly what I needed.
You know? Just to get away.
No Wi-Fi, no cell, just away.
You know, this is kind of
exactly why we moved to Woodstock
in the first place, you know?
Just to get away from people, from noise,
from all that suffocating
culture, you know?
"Must see this," "must buy that."
You know, movies,
television, news.
You know?
All those prying eyes.
So...
- Here you go.
- Uh...
well, it's a special place.
This used to be your studio?
Are you from New York?
Uh, Long Island.
- You know...
- Oh.
Jewish self-loathing, Holocaust,
theological ambivalence, disappointment
to my mother... the whole shebang.
Mm.
Mm, well, you know what, Walter?
I think... I only have a couple
more hours, so I think I'm...
I should... I think I'm
just gonna get back to work.
But thank you so much for stopping.
I lost most of my family in the camps.
Oh, my gosh. Uh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to...
The death camps.
Right.
Yeah, in Poland.
Oh, f... yeah, of course.
Well, who didn't back then, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Eh, life goes on.
Life goes on. Life... life goes on.
- Ah.
- Not for my parents, though.
No.
My mother died in Auschwitz
in the gas chambers.
Ah, uh-huh.
My father didn't, though.
- No?
- No, no.
The typhoid. Bergen-Belsen.
Oh, right. Oh, yeah.
My sister... I mean,
my oldest sister, Ruth.
She was in the resistance.
Oh, wow. Good for her.
- Good for her.
- Not for long, though.
No?
The Nazis found them about
a week after she joined.
- I see.
- Shot her in the back of the head.
- Ruth.
- Point-blank.
Yeah, sure. Ooh.
Wow.
My younger sister Tamar,
she survived Treblinka.
She did?
Of course, the liberators
gave them all food
and she ate too quickly.
- Uh-oh.
- Died two days later.
Mm.
- Diarrhea.
- Oh, that'll do her.
Terrible way to go.
- I knew others.
- Mm.
38 billion water bottles wasted each year.
17 million barrels of oil annually
to make those wasted
plastic water bottles...
yada, yada, yada.
But what if we're not the enemy?
What if we're the savior?
Mississippi River. Polluted.
Ohio River. Polluted.
According to the EPA, more than half
of the rivers and waterways
in the United States
can no longer support life.
13,000 miles of river ways
contain fish with
elevated levels of mercury.
This is not just ecological apocalypse.
This is a wonderful
opportunity for Nestle Waters.
The anti-tap water strategy
worked for a while,
but we need to expand that.
Nowadays, you can't trust any water.
Except ours.
We're not polluters,
we're environmentalists.
Let's make pollution work for us.
We are not the problem.
We are the solution.
- I love it.
- That's great.
I love it. Isn't...
isn't Thom supposed to be here? Thom?
Your tax dollars at work, folks!
Your fucking tax dollars at work.
You think they give a damn if I'm late?
They don't give a damn.
I'm an attorney.
I have motions to file, cases to try.
They are interfering with a
basic constitutional right.
- We're all late for work.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It's supposed to mean shut up.
That's what it's supposed to mean.
- Unbelievable.
- Liz, hey, it's me.
We're stopped. Dead stopped.
Listen, I need you to
move my 9:00 to 10:00,
my 10:00 to 11:00, my 11:00 to 12:00,
cancel my lunch with Bob and see
if he can do drinks on Tuesday.
I'll call in for my 4:00
on my way to my 3:00,
but don't schedule anything after
5:00 in case my 4:00 runs long.
- Hello?
- Thom?
Hey, guys. Uh, bad news.
The train is at a dead stop.
Better late than never, Thom!
Thank you, Gottfrid.
As Gustaff says,
"No worms for you, Mr. Early Bird."
Stay with us, Thom.
Yeah, I'm gonna stay on the line.
Hopefully the train will start moving soon.
So instead of being the
evil plastic bottle makers,
Nestle becomes the voice
of environmentalism.
"We just want you to have clean water.
But there isn't any. So
we go out, we find it,
- and we bring it to your supermarket."
- Yeah, I love it.
- Great opportunities for social here, right?
- Yeah.
- Would you like the front page?
- No, thank you.
- Read it?
- No.
- Get it on your iPad?
- No.
Then how come you don't want it?
Because I don't.
- Why not?
- "Why not"?
Aren't you interested
in the world around you?
- Uh, no, I'm not.
- How can you say that?
Uh, very happily.
- Hey.
- What?
Can you turn that down,
please? It's very "boom, boom."
It's affecting other people.
You can't just bury your head in the sand.
- Yes, you can.
- You need to stay informed.
Okay, so what have you
learned today in that newspaper
that you didn't know a year ago?
Or 10 years ago? That
the Middle East is fucked?
That politicians lie, that
people kill? That's not news.
There's not enough misery in your own life,
and it's hard enough trying
to get through the day
without learning about all the people
who didn't get through yesterday.
That is the most selfish
thing I've ever heard.
Okay, why do you read the newspapers?
Hmm? What, are you going to cure Ebola?
Are you going to solve the
Ukraine or Bahrain or acid rain?
You read the newspaper 'cause
you think it gives you an edge.
Helps you get ahead.
Helps you stay connected.
You know? That's selfish and deluded.
You only care about yourself.
The best thing people can do for
others is to examine themselves.
But of course it's a lot
easier to look in the pages
of "The New York Times" than
it is to look in the mirror.
For your information, I hap...
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
- We apologize for the extended delay.
- Bullshit!
As the train was entering
the station this morning,
it struck a commuter who
had fallen on the tracks.
Despite making every effort
to stop the train in time,
this collision resulted in a fatality.
This train is now a crime
scene and may not be moved.
We apologize for this inconvenience
and will be sending another train
shortly on the opposite track.
That train will continue on
to Manhattan's Grand Central Station.
We apologize again for the delay.
Well, she's a very old dog,
but her hearing started to
go a couple of years back.
Oh, that'll happen.
- It's not so bad...
- Mm-hmm.
Except that she has diabetes.
Mm.
If she doesn't get her
shots on time, don't ask.
You know what, Walter? I am so sorry.
I've got to pick up my son in,
like, an hour from school, so I've...
She'd never make it through the night.
No, I wouldn't think so.
Her sister died last year.
I figured.
- Coyotes got her.
- Yep.
Fuck!
Okay.
Almighty Father, eternal God,
hear our prayers for Your son/daughter
whom You have called from
this life to Yourself.
Grant him/her light, happiness, and peace.
Let him/her pass in safety
through the gates of death.
Guard him/her from harm.
And on that great day of resurrection,
raise him/her up with all Your saints.
Amen.
Amen.
So horrible.
It's unbelievable.
It could've been anyone, you know?
I didn't hug my son this morning.
Just, you know, "Sorry, buddy, gotta go.
Time to make the doughnuts."
You know what? I think you were right.
About this newspaper, about the world.
I mean, I waste so much time
thinking about everything
but what really matters.
I mean, newspapers,
trade papers, magazines,
blogs, Twitter feeds,
"People" fucking magazine,
all day, every day, and for what?
I mean, should it take death
to make you think about life?
It really makes you think, you know?
About how you're spending your life.
That's why I carry Jesus in my heart.
Because all of life is just a
chance to get closer to Jesus.
And when you get closer to
Jesus, you get closer to peace.
It's been so long since
I've been to church.
I should go,
get some perspective, you know?
I picture myself doing
all this stupid work.
Happy as a pig in shit.
It doesn't matter how happy you are.
- It's still shit.
- Mm-hmm.
And if you're happy in shit...
You're probably a pig.
Mm-hmm.
I hear she was reading
her iPad when she fell in.
So sad.
I hear the new one's
gonna have a better screen.
The old one already had retina display.
No, I don't mean the
display, I mean the screen.
- What about the screen?
- Split.
- Split?
- Split. You can have two windows open.
- No way!
- Way.
I gotta get to the Apple Store.
Me, too. Where the fuck is this train?
It's typical. They screwed up my morning,
they might as well screw up my afternoon.
How hard could it be for
them to find one train?
Hey, Liz. Still waiting. Listen.
Send me the email with the Word
doc you converted from that PDF.
I'll enclose the JPEGs,
upload it to Dropbox,
and you can transfer it
all to the final PowerPoint.
Make sure you cc Gary and David, bcc Amy...
We can't just go in with a bunch of TV.
Wieden & Bulgari are gonna come in...
with a mountain of digital shit.
We should think about, at some point,
of advocacy work we can do.
You know, "fight pollution," or whatever,
while reminding everyone
not to drink other water.
Definitely.
Classic zero-to-hero strategy.
Our target lives online.
I take some money out of traditional media,
really make this a Facebook-led campaign.
I say take the money,
give half to Greenpeace,
spend the other half publicizing
the hell out of our donation.
We did charity last year, Jonathan.
It barely moved the needle.
I think we can spend our
money better elsewhere.
Track 18! Track 18!
What about #GiveADamn?
You didn't send a PDF, Liz, you sent a zip.
Just send me a JPEG, for Christ's sake.
I like this idea of #GiveADamn.
You know, really involve the consumer...
Come on, no, no, no.
I've had a hell of a day!
We need a handle for this,
something that encapsulates the idea
that natural water is dangerous.
Oh, well, how about just that?
How about, um...
you know, "Natural Water Isn't."
When it is, you can drink
it, but it's not right now.
I like that.
You could just have,
"Because Natural Water Isn't,"
then a list of chemicals in the ocean
versus a Poland Spring bottle.
Compelling. That's a good one, Thom.
- You almost here?
- Um...
no.
We're still on the train.
Just sitting here.
We hit something on the track.
I hope they at least killed it, yes, Thom?
Okay, uh, let's talk
about the presentation...
This is the last call for 156,
Southeast Scarborough
through South Fordham.
Here's what else happens
when you hit your 40s.
You start thinking about
"The Outlaw Josey Wales."
At least I did.
Clint Eastwood, 1976.
Josey's in this bar when a guy walks in.
Bad guy, black hat, cigar in his mouth.
Hey!
"I'm looking for Josey Wales," he calls
out. Josey's standing in the shadows,
hand on his pistol, says,
"Are you a bounty hunter?"
The guy turns to him and says,
"A man's gotta do something
for a living these days."
Josey sneers, looks at him, and says,
"Dyin' ain't much of a living, boy."
"Dying ain't much of a living, boy."
And then he shoots him through the heart.
Great, this was a very productive meeting.
I'm happy. Thom, are you happy?
Did we lose him?
I think we lost him.
Jonathan, I really think Thom
needs to get his priorities straight.
Thom? Thom, you there?
Thom?