Happyish (2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Starring Sigmund Freud, Charles Bukowski and Seven Billion A**Holes - full transcript
Thom is overrun by jerks; the Swedes emasculate Thom at work; Julius is suspended.
Thom: This is a mother ship,
just like the mother ship that left me
on this ridiculous planet
40-something years ago.
I honestly can't think
of another explanation
of what I'm doing here.
I clearly don't belong.
I've tried to get along,
I've tried to fit in.
I got a designer shirt and
trendy running shoes,
but it's not helping.
It's been four decades, mother ship.
I've done my time.
So, wherever you are, turn around,
come back, and get me the fuck out of here!
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know
it, then motherfucking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it,
clap your motherfucking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands! ♪
Thom: It began as a joke.
Lee: And that fucking
school doesn't do shit.
Did you paint today?
How, Thom? When?
I had Jules with me all afternoon,
because Fitzgerald Miller is a bully.
You should paint.
You know what you're
like when you don't work.
"Scream when you burn."
Bukowski said that.
Well, it's easy for him to say.
When a man screams, he's a genius.
When a woman screams, she's just a cunt.
I need to get a studio of my own, Thom.
I need a room without a view.
- He's gonna do well.
- Bukowski?
- No, Fitzgerald.
- You mean in life?
Yeah, 'cause, you know...
'cause he's an asshole.
In this toilet of a world,
the asshole is king.
Well, wouldn't shit be king in a toilet?
No, honey, 'cause the shit's
gotta come from somewhere.
(laughing)
Great big asshole in the sky.
I wonder when it's coming back.
What, darling?
- The mother ship.
- (Laughs)
To take us back to whatever
fucking planet we belong on.
- That's very optimistic.
- What is?
That there's a fucking
planet that we belong on.
We're down here. We're down here!
Please, we're right here!
- Come and get us!
- Please, help us.
- Take us back. Please. Please!
- Please come and get us!
- Please!
- You abandoned us!
♪ I'd like to sing the world a song ♪
♪ Of happiness and love ♪
♪ Of puppies, joy, and unicorns ♪
♪ We always have dreamed of ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to sing ♪
- ♪ In certain harmony ♪
- ♪ Certain harmony ♪
♪ I'd like to give the world a Coke ♪
- ♪ And drink it cheerfully ♪
- ♪ That's the main thing ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to si... ♪
So let's talk about this.
I love that.
Is that gonna be a real commercial?
It is a real commercial. 1976.
That's awesome.
Do you think we're too cynical
today for a message like this?
No. I mean, maybe, like, old people are.
Like in their 40s or something.
Millennials.
Stupid fucking optimistic assholes.
Oh, it's not millennials,
Thom, it's nature.
We're all assholes.
Everyone who is or was is an asshole.
- What, even Gandhi?
- Think about it.
We all start out the same way...
a single sperm among
50 million other sperm,
all desperate to get to one egg.
To win.
You, me, everyone else on
the planet ever in history,
we all won that 100-meter
in-utero, winner-take-all
race to mama's enchanted, life-giving egg.
- First prize?
- Life?
- Second prize?
- Death.
Right. Now, you think we weren't
throwing a few elbows?
You think you weren't knocking
a few other sperm over,
stabbing 'em in the back just
to get ahead, just to win?
Thom, you don't win that kind of race
without being an asshole.
I mean, a huge asshole.
Your problem is you think that assholes
are some sort of anomaly,
some sort of aberration.
Nature is an asshole factory, my friend.
If you exist, you're an asshole.
You think, therefore you are,
but you are, therefore you're an asshole.
- ♪ I'd like to get the world to sing... ♪
- What's going on?
♪ A certain harmony... ♪
Thom's voice: It's not
just the assholes, though.
It's that everyone loves assholes.
Like this asshole, Fitzgerald Miller.
You smell that? That is sulfur, folks.
Brimstone. The kid is
pure, malevolent evil.
And everybody at Woodstock Day School
loves this little shitheel.
- (keyboard playing)
- ♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪
♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪
- (cameras clicking)
- ♪ Is gonna be all right ♪
♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪
♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪
♪ Is gonna be all right. ♪
- (song ends)
- (Applause)
Somehow, between being
our star basketball player
and lead actor in our holiday play,
Fitzgerald found time
to master the keyboard.
Thom: It doesn't matter what
Fitzgerald said, buddy.
- He said I was a bad singer.
- Really? Oh.
Oh, he's just jealous of you, buddy.
And he never picks me for teams,
and he says my clothes are stupid.
(sighs)
Okay, you know something?
I'm gonna tell you something.
I'm gonna use a word now, all right?
And it's a bad word, but
I think you should know it,
and I think it's appropriate.
And that word is "asshole."
I'm sorry, but that's what Fitzgerald is.
He is one now, and he's gonna be an
even bigger one when he grows up.
Okay? That has nothing to do with you.
- Mm-mm.
- Here's something else, buddy, right?
- You don't have to take it.
- Mm-mm.
You can tell the teacher, you can tell
the principal, or you can tell him.
You can tell him you don't like it,
you can tell him you want it to stop,
you can tell him you think
that it's wrong, okay?
You don't have to take it, little man.
Mm-mm. You know what?
I bet if you just said one
word to Fitzgerald,
if you just pointed your finger at him
and said, "Shut up,"
he would run under his desk, crying.
- He would?
- Yeah, he would.
Yeah.
Daddy, do you know any assholes?
- (laughing)
- Nice.
Yes, I do. Almost exclusively.
(laughter continues)
So the guy takes his bottle
of Sam Adams Ice
and he dips it in the pool
and everybody cheers, right?
Because the Sam Adams
Ice has cooled it down.
Music up, pool party is saved,
super comes in... "Sam Adams Ice,
cooler than cool."
(exhales)
Do we have to use that
line? "Cooler than cool."
Client said we have to.
Mikal, this is a commercial
for the urban market.
- They're all black.
- Client is happy to have Latinos.
- Do black people swim?
- Mikal: What?
- I'm just asking, for believability.
- For believability.
It's the city, Mikal. Where
are they gonna swim?
Okay, that's the most racist
thing I've ever heard.
It's not racist. It would be racist
if I said they didn't swim
because they're shiftless.
It's a marketing question.
Validity, veracity, verisimilitude.
In a commercial where beer makes it snow.
(sighs) I gotta get out of this business.
They're running these scripts past
their African-American agency, Thom,
and I don't feel like losing this project
because we put a bunch of city
people in a kidney-shaped pool.
Okay, what if we make it a prison riot?
Or what if it's just a
bunch of black people
running wild in the streets,
raping white women?
'Cause black people run wild in the streets
and rape white women, don't they?
(Lorna clears throat)
Coke meeting in Shakespeare.
Oh, thank God.
Am I in that meeting?
David from production called.
Keebler thinks the scripts need
to be more cookie-focused.
How come I'm not in the Coke meeting?
You wanna come to the meeting,
come to the meeting.
I don't wanna come to the meeting,
I wanna be in the meeting.
If you come to the Coke meeting,
you'll be in the Coke meeting.
No, I'll be at the Coke meeting.
Whose meeting is this?
Is this your meeting?
The problem is that we already
sent the scripts to Rob Reiner,
and he thinks they're too cookie-focused,
and he wants us to de-cookie them.
Look, tell David, that piece-of-shit
head of production,
that if Rob Reiner wants
the fucking script changed,
Rob fucking Reiner can
change the fucking scripts.
He's the dickhead that fucked
them up in the first place.
I'll tell David to get in
touch with Rob Reiner
regarding his suggested script changes.
Yeah, do that.
(phone rings)
No.
(ringing continues)
Ugh.
- (answering machine beeps)
- Automated voice: Please leave your name, number,
- and message after the beep.
- (Groans)
- (beeps)
- Woman: Hey, Lee, this is Pam,
over at the day school. It seems
there has been a little incident
between Julius and Fitzgerald Miller,
and, um, we were wondering if
you could come in right away...
Hi. Hi, hi, hi. It's me.
Uh, what kind of incident?
He what?
Okay. I'll be right there.
- Okay. Thanks, Pam.
- (Phone beeps)
Jon: So let me get this straight, Gottfrid.
You want to walk into the
Coca-Cola chemistry meeting,
the meeting where they will decide
if we even get to pitch
the goddamn account,
and tell them that they
should do no advertising?
That's not what he was
suggesting, Jonathan.
Then why don't you explain
it to me, Debbie?
Jonathan, we're past the days
of advertising campaigns.
- Right.
- Gottfrid: We don't need campaigns anymore.
Jonathan: We don't need...
- It's one smart idea,
and it changes the world, okay?
We need ideation. We
need social integration.
We need events. We need moments.
Yes, events. We need...
Yeah, exactly. What Gustaff says.
It wasn't a war that started
the Egyptian Revolution.
It was fucking Facebook.
And the Egyptian revolutionaries.
I don't think Egypt is the best case study
for the long-term effectiveness
of social media.
Okay, look, it's like you told me
when we first met about Al Qaeda.
Do you remember? They're a great brand.
But what makes them a great brand?
They don't make campaigns.
They make events. 9/11.
7/7. Charlie Hebdos.
I mean, how many hits did they
get after that Hebdo shooting?
A million? A trillion?
We need to take a lesson
from our enemies here.
From a marketing...
Hey. Hey! I'm here!
I'm here! It's me!
Over here!
Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Yes!
This is Coca-fucking-Cola!
They had nearly 46 billion
in sales last year.
They could not be less insurgentlike
if they fuckin' tried.
Fuck you, motherfuckers! I'm out of here.
(Gottfrid continues indistinctly)
Wait. Where are you going?
Wait. Come back! Wait, come back!
Come back!
Come back! I don't belong here.
- (phone buzzing)
- Gottfrid: You don't need a campaign
full of attacks. You need
one, one good one,
and you're on the cover of...
- Hey.
- Lee: It's me.
- It's Julius.
- Okay, what's going on?
I'm at the school. Jules hit Fitzgerald.
- Good.
- With a book.
They were on the school bus.
Fitzgerald was teasing him.
Jules asked him to stop, and
when he didn't, he hit him.
- Hardcover?
- No, soft. It was "Harry Potter."
He's been crying about it ever since.
- Fitzgerald.
- No, Thom, Jules.
He feels awful about it. He's
apologized, like, a hundred times.
You know what? I'm glad Julius smacked him,
because that smug little
fucker deserved it.
- So I'm pleased.
- Well, I'm not glad.
Now I'm supposed to wait around here
till after school so we can discuss it.
So my whole day's gone now, gone.
Got no work done today. Nothing.
Gotta get a place to do my
work, Thom. I'm going crazy.
Jesus Christ! But that kid's the
biggest asshole in the school.
We have to talk to the principal?
Is everything on this
planet ass-fucking backwards?
(screaming)
(breathing heavily)
Thom: Fuck you. I'm not
asking your permission.
Fuck you, Thom. I need
you at the Coke meeting.
Jules has just been summoned
to the principal's office
because he finally had the
guts to stand up to this bully,
and you think I'm gonna sit in
some fucking soda-pop meeting?
Biggest goddamn pitch of the year, Thom.
It's the biggest pitch
of the last five years.
The survival of this agency
depends on this pitch,
the survival of our jobs, and that
fuckin' asshole wants to go in there
pitching the death of
advertising campaigns.
I know how morally opposed
you are to this industry
that pays for every last shred
of your fuckin' existence,
but I don't give a shit if Julius burned
the goddamn school down.
I don't care if he's being
interviewed by the police.
I don't care if he's being interviewed
by Anderson fucking Cooper.
You're coming to the meeting!
- What's going on, Jonathan?
- Talking about survival.
You're off the rails.
Talk to me.
- What is it?
- Survival...
has, uh, become more of
an issue for me of late.
Are you getting fired?
(scoffs) No.
11:30. That's early, even
by your standards.
Nonalcoholic wine.
(laughs)
I can'tnot recommend it enough.
Wine without alcohol. What...
who would drink that?
Nobody, unless wine with
alcohol would kill them.
I got the results of my test back.
It appears that I have fucked my liver.
Fucked? How fucked?
Well and truly.
No booze, no pot, no salt, no nothing.
If I have any joy at all,
I'm gonna be utterly miserable.
Yeah, Dani has this idea that we have
a fixed amount of joy in our life.
Once you hit it, it's over.
I guess it's... I don't know.
I drank my joy too quickly.
Okay, so, uh, if you avoid joy, then...
then what happens?
If I'm utterly miserable,
I get to live a long and unhappy life.
That's the option.
Quantity over quality.
So what are you going to do?
Survive.
Even if it kills me.
You know what really bugs me
is that everyone loves this asshole.
Jonathan doesn't.
Yeah, but the accounts
department, the creatives,
they're really impressed
by this Swedish jackass.
They think he's a fucking genius.
He is a genius.
Oh, Christ. Not you, too.
"That which matters the most
should not give way to that
which matters the least."
Socrates.
Lululemon.
And that is where we get
our wisdom from today.
Not Socrates, not Lao-Tzu.
Lululemon.
It's not hard to be a genius
in a world that looks to
shopping bags for insights.
Christ, I am appalled that
I'm even alive these days.
I really am.
You know, I imagine myself
going up to heaven
where everybody's hanging
around, drinking martinis,
they look at me, they say,
"Hey, hi. What era are you from?"
And I say, "America, turn
of the 21st century."
And then they all bash me
over the head with their harps.
Wait, they have martinis in heaven?
Well, if they didn't, it would be hell.
So, uh, tell me about TBWA.
Well, David Reuters is out,
and they're looking for someone
to run Mars and Novartis.
Wow. Candy and pharmaceuticals.
I should call my shrink.
Oh, come on, Thom.
Do you know that Freud wasn't even
trying to make people happy?
Did your shrink ever tell you that?
You know, his whole project,
it was just an attempt to
raise the utterly wretched
up to a normal, run-of-the-mill despair.
And that's the goal in life.
It's not joy. It's not rapture.
It's just being as
miserable as everyone else.
Now you're wretched at MGT.
Maybe you can be miserable at TBWA.
- Sounds like progress.
- Mmm.
You know, uh, I don't know if
I can leave Jonathan right now.
Jonathan is gonna be okay.
I thought you guys were going
to keep it strictly biblical.
I know.
I'm such a fucking asshole, right?
Who isn't?
There you go.
Your son has a problem.
- Uh, my son's problem is your son.
- (Scoffs)
Fitzgerald, honey, why don't
you go wait in the car?
Julius is a bully.
Oh,Julius is a bully?
He needs help. He's a little thug.
Your son's an asshole.
Okay. I don't have to listen to this.
No, yeah, you do.
Yes, you do.
Because "asshole" is a virus.
It's passed from kid to kid,
person to person, like the plague.
Pretty soon, the whole world
is gonna be full of 'em.
Do you know how pissed you would be
if someone let their kid come
to school with lice, Stacy?
You let your kid come to school
every day with full-blown asshole.
Let me tell you something.
When it comes to "asshole,"
Fitzgerald is patient zero.
- I understand, Lee. You're jealous.
- Holy shit.
No, and that's okay.
Fitzgerald is a top
student, a star athlete,
first in every class he enters.
Everyone is jealous of him.
We know that.
But that is Fitzgerald's burden.
But jealousy does not
give someone the right
to be a bully.
Is everything on this planet
ass-fucking backwards?
Hey! Hey!
Come back! I'm right here!
I'm right here!
Please come back!
I don't belong here!
Thom: Sigmund Freud.
(sighs) That's all I got.
(laughter)
I carry his picture around wherever I go.
He's my own little secular "Ecce Homo,"
promising me salvation from
my crippling depression.
Here's an interesting thing, though.
I just learned this, that Sigmund Freud
wasn't trying to make people happy.
He was just trying to raise people up
to a normal level of miserable.
Misery is normal. People are unhappy.
So who are the real rebels?
The moody poet, the frowning rock star,
or the happy people?
Coca-Cola doesn't just sell happiness.
You sell radical happiness.
Happiness as rebellion.
Defiant happiness.
Angry bliss.
Obstinate elation.
Life is Good. You know this brand?
This is a $100-million business
in over 30 countries.
You know why people wear
"Life is Good" shirts?
Because it's not.
It's hard. But it's easy to give in.
It's easy to be weak.
Coca-Cola isn't "Don't worry, be happy."
This campaign should be,
"Damn it, despite everything,
despite war, despite
ISIS, despite Ebola,
despite the crumbling
of Western civilization,
despite your self-obsessed mother
and your domineering father
and your erectile dysfunction,
despite all that, be happy."
Be happy.
That's how you sell to millennials.
Radical happiness. Punk joy.
Great, Thom.
I hope you know how excited we all...
I'd like to jump in a moment.
Uh, talk about campaigns.
Uh, Gottfrid, we have a limited
amount of time with these gentlemen.
We're past the era of
advertising campaigns.
You don't have to like it,
but you can't ignore it.
Campaigns are, um, last century.
We don't need campaigns anymore.
We need... we need events. We need moments.
Why are the insurgents winning in Iraq?
Because America is playing an old game.
An old game of campaigns.
Coca-Cola needs to think like an insurgent.
We need to become an insurgent brand.
We need to fly a plane into Pepsi.
We need to plant the roadside bombs,
but on the information superhighways.
Take the Hilltop commercial.
"I'd like to buy the world a Coke." Yeah?
That was an event. It was a moment.
Not part of some campaign.
Yes, it was.
It was part of the "Real Thing" campaign.
- Technically, yes...
- Gottfrid, I appreciate your thoughts
on this, but Coca-Cola
as an insurgent brand?
I mean, you do understand
we're a 120-year-old company, don't you?
Right? We're worth over $200 billion.
I don't see how we could be
seen as an insurgent brand.
Or that we even want to
see ourselves that way.
- Frankly, I mean...
- Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, may I?
(speaking German)
Or in a less intimidating accent,
the official 1933 Nazi Party
Organization Handbook.
Arguably the most important book
in all of Hitler's Third Reich
and the most important branding book
in marketing history.
This is what Coke needs.
"Mein Kampf" was for underlings.
This is what the professionals read.
Bush read "Mein Kampf." Cheney read this.
(Jonathan snorts)
650 pages
of exacting, illustrated information
on brand attributes, logos, fonts,
graphics, and brand personality.
It is the absolute model
for effective marketing.
There is no brand that was
as powerful as the Nazi brand.
Not even yours.
Whatever marketing term you wanna use,
whatever message you wanna deliver,
the goal is the same.
Domination.
See, I think radical happiness...
I think it's a big idea.
But the critical thing,
the one thing that I want you
to take away from this meeting
is that Coca-Cola is not a brand.
It's an Uber brand.
It's a movement that deserves
a fanatical devotion.
If we are lucky enough to be chosen
by you to pitch this account,
I can assure you we will
not rest, we will not falter.
Your mission is our mission.
We are playing for one thing only.
(speaks German)
♪ I'd like to give the world a Coke ♪
- ♪ And drink it cheerfully ♪
- ♪ That's for me ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to sing ♪
♪ In... ♪
- Cut!
Cut. Cut. Cut!
That wasn't very happy, was it?
I told you to be happy.
Not a little happy, not sort of happy,
happy happy!
We are all happy all the time.
We are all happy,ja?!
(thud)
(mutters in German)
(clears throat)
Let's take it from the top!
Hey, listen. I can't believe you
got out that Nazi book today.
Why?
It's the third time you've
done it in six months.
That's not true. I used it once
before in the Chase pitch.
What about Google?
Uh, yes. Okay. You're right.
But if there's anyone who ever
wanted to take over the entire world,
it's those crazy motherfuckers.
What can I say? Survival...
it ain't pretty, but it's all we got.
To tonic water.
And acceptable levels of misery.
Thom: So the whole mother ship
thing may have started as a joke,
but now I'm pretty sure it isn't.
If I hadn't met Lee, it
wouldn't be funny at all.
We're the only ones on Earth
the other one can stand.
Maybe that's all you can
ask for on this planet...
one nonasshole.
Oh. Hey!
Thom: Two if you're lucky.
Come here. (growls)
Mwah.
Thom: After all, the pursuit of happiness
is the source of all unhappiness.
- Hey!
- Hey.
Welcome home.
Thom: You know who said that?
Lulu-fucking-lemon.
- Oh, great.
- Want a beer?
Thom: Here on planet asshole,
the shopping bag knows all.
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it,
then your face will surely show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
just like the mother ship that left me
on this ridiculous planet
40-something years ago.
I honestly can't think
of another explanation
of what I'm doing here.
I clearly don't belong.
I've tried to get along,
I've tried to fit in.
I got a designer shirt and
trendy running shoes,
but it's not helping.
It's been four decades, mother ship.
I've done my time.
So, wherever you are, turn around,
come back, and get me the fuck out of here!
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know
it, then motherfucking show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it,
clap your motherfucking hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands! ♪
Thom: It began as a joke.
Lee: And that fucking
school doesn't do shit.
Did you paint today?
How, Thom? When?
I had Jules with me all afternoon,
because Fitzgerald Miller is a bully.
You should paint.
You know what you're
like when you don't work.
"Scream when you burn."
Bukowski said that.
Well, it's easy for him to say.
When a man screams, he's a genius.
When a woman screams, she's just a cunt.
I need to get a studio of my own, Thom.
I need a room without a view.
- He's gonna do well.
- Bukowski?
- No, Fitzgerald.
- You mean in life?
Yeah, 'cause, you know...
'cause he's an asshole.
In this toilet of a world,
the asshole is king.
Well, wouldn't shit be king in a toilet?
No, honey, 'cause the shit's
gotta come from somewhere.
(laughing)
Great big asshole in the sky.
I wonder when it's coming back.
What, darling?
- The mother ship.
- (Laughs)
To take us back to whatever
fucking planet we belong on.
- That's very optimistic.
- What is?
That there's a fucking
planet that we belong on.
We're down here. We're down here!
Please, we're right here!
- Come and get us!
- Please, help us.
- Take us back. Please. Please!
- Please come and get us!
- Please!
- You abandoned us!
♪ I'd like to sing the world a song ♪
♪ Of happiness and love ♪
♪ Of puppies, joy, and unicorns ♪
♪ We always have dreamed of ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to sing ♪
- ♪ In certain harmony ♪
- ♪ Certain harmony ♪
♪ I'd like to give the world a Coke ♪
- ♪ And drink it cheerfully ♪
- ♪ That's the main thing ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to si... ♪
So let's talk about this.
I love that.
Is that gonna be a real commercial?
It is a real commercial. 1976.
That's awesome.
Do you think we're too cynical
today for a message like this?
No. I mean, maybe, like, old people are.
Like in their 40s or something.
Millennials.
Stupid fucking optimistic assholes.
Oh, it's not millennials,
Thom, it's nature.
We're all assholes.
Everyone who is or was is an asshole.
- What, even Gandhi?
- Think about it.
We all start out the same way...
a single sperm among
50 million other sperm,
all desperate to get to one egg.
To win.
You, me, everyone else on
the planet ever in history,
we all won that 100-meter
in-utero, winner-take-all
race to mama's enchanted, life-giving egg.
- First prize?
- Life?
- Second prize?
- Death.
Right. Now, you think we weren't
throwing a few elbows?
You think you weren't knocking
a few other sperm over,
stabbing 'em in the back just
to get ahead, just to win?
Thom, you don't win that kind of race
without being an asshole.
I mean, a huge asshole.
Your problem is you think that assholes
are some sort of anomaly,
some sort of aberration.
Nature is an asshole factory, my friend.
If you exist, you're an asshole.
You think, therefore you are,
but you are, therefore you're an asshole.
- ♪ I'd like to get the world to sing... ♪
- What's going on?
♪ A certain harmony... ♪
Thom's voice: It's not
just the assholes, though.
It's that everyone loves assholes.
Like this asshole, Fitzgerald Miller.
You smell that? That is sulfur, folks.
Brimstone. The kid is
pure, malevolent evil.
And everybody at Woodstock Day School
loves this little shitheel.
- (keyboard playing)
- ♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪
♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪
- (cameras clicking)
- ♪ Is gonna be all right ♪
♪ Don't worry about a thing ♪
♪ 'Cause every little thing ♪
♪ Is gonna be all right. ♪
- (song ends)
- (Applause)
Somehow, between being
our star basketball player
and lead actor in our holiday play,
Fitzgerald found time
to master the keyboard.
Thom: It doesn't matter what
Fitzgerald said, buddy.
- He said I was a bad singer.
- Really? Oh.
Oh, he's just jealous of you, buddy.
And he never picks me for teams,
and he says my clothes are stupid.
(sighs)
Okay, you know something?
I'm gonna tell you something.
I'm gonna use a word now, all right?
And it's a bad word, but
I think you should know it,
and I think it's appropriate.
And that word is "asshole."
I'm sorry, but that's what Fitzgerald is.
He is one now, and he's gonna be an
even bigger one when he grows up.
Okay? That has nothing to do with you.
- Mm-mm.
- Here's something else, buddy, right?
- You don't have to take it.
- Mm-mm.
You can tell the teacher, you can tell
the principal, or you can tell him.
You can tell him you don't like it,
you can tell him you want it to stop,
you can tell him you think
that it's wrong, okay?
You don't have to take it, little man.
Mm-mm. You know what?
I bet if you just said one
word to Fitzgerald,
if you just pointed your finger at him
and said, "Shut up,"
he would run under his desk, crying.
- He would?
- Yeah, he would.
Yeah.
Daddy, do you know any assholes?
- (laughing)
- Nice.
Yes, I do. Almost exclusively.
(laughter continues)
So the guy takes his bottle
of Sam Adams Ice
and he dips it in the pool
and everybody cheers, right?
Because the Sam Adams
Ice has cooled it down.
Music up, pool party is saved,
super comes in... "Sam Adams Ice,
cooler than cool."
(exhales)
Do we have to use that
line? "Cooler than cool."
Client said we have to.
Mikal, this is a commercial
for the urban market.
- They're all black.
- Client is happy to have Latinos.
- Do black people swim?
- Mikal: What?
- I'm just asking, for believability.
- For believability.
It's the city, Mikal. Where
are they gonna swim?
Okay, that's the most racist
thing I've ever heard.
It's not racist. It would be racist
if I said they didn't swim
because they're shiftless.
It's a marketing question.
Validity, veracity, verisimilitude.
In a commercial where beer makes it snow.
(sighs) I gotta get out of this business.
They're running these scripts past
their African-American agency, Thom,
and I don't feel like losing this project
because we put a bunch of city
people in a kidney-shaped pool.
Okay, what if we make it a prison riot?
Or what if it's just a
bunch of black people
running wild in the streets,
raping white women?
'Cause black people run wild in the streets
and rape white women, don't they?
(Lorna clears throat)
Coke meeting in Shakespeare.
Oh, thank God.
Am I in that meeting?
David from production called.
Keebler thinks the scripts need
to be more cookie-focused.
How come I'm not in the Coke meeting?
You wanna come to the meeting,
come to the meeting.
I don't wanna come to the meeting,
I wanna be in the meeting.
If you come to the Coke meeting,
you'll be in the Coke meeting.
No, I'll be at the Coke meeting.
Whose meeting is this?
Is this your meeting?
The problem is that we already
sent the scripts to Rob Reiner,
and he thinks they're too cookie-focused,
and he wants us to de-cookie them.
Look, tell David, that piece-of-shit
head of production,
that if Rob Reiner wants
the fucking script changed,
Rob fucking Reiner can
change the fucking scripts.
He's the dickhead that fucked
them up in the first place.
I'll tell David to get in
touch with Rob Reiner
regarding his suggested script changes.
Yeah, do that.
(phone rings)
No.
(ringing continues)
Ugh.
- (answering machine beeps)
- Automated voice: Please leave your name, number,
- and message after the beep.
- (Groans)
- (beeps)
- Woman: Hey, Lee, this is Pam,
over at the day school. It seems
there has been a little incident
between Julius and Fitzgerald Miller,
and, um, we were wondering if
you could come in right away...
Hi. Hi, hi, hi. It's me.
Uh, what kind of incident?
He what?
Okay. I'll be right there.
- Okay. Thanks, Pam.
- (Phone beeps)
Jon: So let me get this straight, Gottfrid.
You want to walk into the
Coca-Cola chemistry meeting,
the meeting where they will decide
if we even get to pitch
the goddamn account,
and tell them that they
should do no advertising?
That's not what he was
suggesting, Jonathan.
Then why don't you explain
it to me, Debbie?
Jonathan, we're past the days
of advertising campaigns.
- Right.
- Gottfrid: We don't need campaigns anymore.
Jonathan: We don't need...
- It's one smart idea,
and it changes the world, okay?
We need ideation. We
need social integration.
We need events. We need moments.
Yes, events. We need...
Yeah, exactly. What Gustaff says.
It wasn't a war that started
the Egyptian Revolution.
It was fucking Facebook.
And the Egyptian revolutionaries.
I don't think Egypt is the best case study
for the long-term effectiveness
of social media.
Okay, look, it's like you told me
when we first met about Al Qaeda.
Do you remember? They're a great brand.
But what makes them a great brand?
They don't make campaigns.
They make events. 9/11.
7/7. Charlie Hebdos.
I mean, how many hits did they
get after that Hebdo shooting?
A million? A trillion?
We need to take a lesson
from our enemies here.
From a marketing...
Hey. Hey! I'm here!
I'm here! It's me!
Over here!
Yes! Yes! Oh, yes! Yes!
This is Coca-fucking-Cola!
They had nearly 46 billion
in sales last year.
They could not be less insurgentlike
if they fuckin' tried.
Fuck you, motherfuckers! I'm out of here.
(Gottfrid continues indistinctly)
Wait. Where are you going?
Wait. Come back! Wait, come back!
Come back!
Come back! I don't belong here.
- (phone buzzing)
- Gottfrid: You don't need a campaign
full of attacks. You need
one, one good one,
and you're on the cover of...
- Hey.
- Lee: It's me.
- It's Julius.
- Okay, what's going on?
I'm at the school. Jules hit Fitzgerald.
- Good.
- With a book.
They were on the school bus.
Fitzgerald was teasing him.
Jules asked him to stop, and
when he didn't, he hit him.
- Hardcover?
- No, soft. It was "Harry Potter."
He's been crying about it ever since.
- Fitzgerald.
- No, Thom, Jules.
He feels awful about it. He's
apologized, like, a hundred times.
You know what? I'm glad Julius smacked him,
because that smug little
fucker deserved it.
- So I'm pleased.
- Well, I'm not glad.
Now I'm supposed to wait around here
till after school so we can discuss it.
So my whole day's gone now, gone.
Got no work done today. Nothing.
Gotta get a place to do my
work, Thom. I'm going crazy.
Jesus Christ! But that kid's the
biggest asshole in the school.
We have to talk to the principal?
Is everything on this
planet ass-fucking backwards?
(screaming)
(breathing heavily)
Thom: Fuck you. I'm not
asking your permission.
Fuck you, Thom. I need
you at the Coke meeting.
Jules has just been summoned
to the principal's office
because he finally had the
guts to stand up to this bully,
and you think I'm gonna sit in
some fucking soda-pop meeting?
Biggest goddamn pitch of the year, Thom.
It's the biggest pitch
of the last five years.
The survival of this agency
depends on this pitch,
the survival of our jobs, and that
fuckin' asshole wants to go in there
pitching the death of
advertising campaigns.
I know how morally opposed
you are to this industry
that pays for every last shred
of your fuckin' existence,
but I don't give a shit if Julius burned
the goddamn school down.
I don't care if he's being
interviewed by the police.
I don't care if he's being interviewed
by Anderson fucking Cooper.
You're coming to the meeting!
- What's going on, Jonathan?
- Talking about survival.
You're off the rails.
Talk to me.
- What is it?
- Survival...
has, uh, become more of
an issue for me of late.
Are you getting fired?
(scoffs) No.
11:30. That's early, even
by your standards.
Nonalcoholic wine.
(laughs)
I can'tnot recommend it enough.
Wine without alcohol. What...
who would drink that?
Nobody, unless wine with
alcohol would kill them.
I got the results of my test back.
It appears that I have fucked my liver.
Fucked? How fucked?
Well and truly.
No booze, no pot, no salt, no nothing.
If I have any joy at all,
I'm gonna be utterly miserable.
Yeah, Dani has this idea that we have
a fixed amount of joy in our life.
Once you hit it, it's over.
I guess it's... I don't know.
I drank my joy too quickly.
Okay, so, uh, if you avoid joy, then...
then what happens?
If I'm utterly miserable,
I get to live a long and unhappy life.
That's the option.
Quantity over quality.
So what are you going to do?
Survive.
Even if it kills me.
You know what really bugs me
is that everyone loves this asshole.
Jonathan doesn't.
Yeah, but the accounts
department, the creatives,
they're really impressed
by this Swedish jackass.
They think he's a fucking genius.
He is a genius.
Oh, Christ. Not you, too.
"That which matters the most
should not give way to that
which matters the least."
Socrates.
Lululemon.
And that is where we get
our wisdom from today.
Not Socrates, not Lao-Tzu.
Lululemon.
It's not hard to be a genius
in a world that looks to
shopping bags for insights.
Christ, I am appalled that
I'm even alive these days.
I really am.
You know, I imagine myself
going up to heaven
where everybody's hanging
around, drinking martinis,
they look at me, they say,
"Hey, hi. What era are you from?"
And I say, "America, turn
of the 21st century."
And then they all bash me
over the head with their harps.
Wait, they have martinis in heaven?
Well, if they didn't, it would be hell.
So, uh, tell me about TBWA.
Well, David Reuters is out,
and they're looking for someone
to run Mars and Novartis.
Wow. Candy and pharmaceuticals.
I should call my shrink.
Oh, come on, Thom.
Do you know that Freud wasn't even
trying to make people happy?
Did your shrink ever tell you that?
You know, his whole project,
it was just an attempt to
raise the utterly wretched
up to a normal, run-of-the-mill despair.
And that's the goal in life.
It's not joy. It's not rapture.
It's just being as
miserable as everyone else.
Now you're wretched at MGT.
Maybe you can be miserable at TBWA.
- Sounds like progress.
- Mmm.
You know, uh, I don't know if
I can leave Jonathan right now.
Jonathan is gonna be okay.
I thought you guys were going
to keep it strictly biblical.
I know.
I'm such a fucking asshole, right?
Who isn't?
There you go.
Your son has a problem.
- Uh, my son's problem is your son.
- (Scoffs)
Fitzgerald, honey, why don't
you go wait in the car?
Julius is a bully.
Oh,Julius is a bully?
He needs help. He's a little thug.
Your son's an asshole.
Okay. I don't have to listen to this.
No, yeah, you do.
Yes, you do.
Because "asshole" is a virus.
It's passed from kid to kid,
person to person, like the plague.
Pretty soon, the whole world
is gonna be full of 'em.
Do you know how pissed you would be
if someone let their kid come
to school with lice, Stacy?
You let your kid come to school
every day with full-blown asshole.
Let me tell you something.
When it comes to "asshole,"
Fitzgerald is patient zero.
- I understand, Lee. You're jealous.
- Holy shit.
No, and that's okay.
Fitzgerald is a top
student, a star athlete,
first in every class he enters.
Everyone is jealous of him.
We know that.
But that is Fitzgerald's burden.
But jealousy does not
give someone the right
to be a bully.
Is everything on this planet
ass-fucking backwards?
Hey! Hey!
Come back! I'm right here!
I'm right here!
Please come back!
I don't belong here!
Thom: Sigmund Freud.
(sighs) That's all I got.
(laughter)
I carry his picture around wherever I go.
He's my own little secular "Ecce Homo,"
promising me salvation from
my crippling depression.
Here's an interesting thing, though.
I just learned this, that Sigmund Freud
wasn't trying to make people happy.
He was just trying to raise people up
to a normal level of miserable.
Misery is normal. People are unhappy.
So who are the real rebels?
The moody poet, the frowning rock star,
or the happy people?
Coca-Cola doesn't just sell happiness.
You sell radical happiness.
Happiness as rebellion.
Defiant happiness.
Angry bliss.
Obstinate elation.
Life is Good. You know this brand?
This is a $100-million business
in over 30 countries.
You know why people wear
"Life is Good" shirts?
Because it's not.
It's hard. But it's easy to give in.
It's easy to be weak.
Coca-Cola isn't "Don't worry, be happy."
This campaign should be,
"Damn it, despite everything,
despite war, despite
ISIS, despite Ebola,
despite the crumbling
of Western civilization,
despite your self-obsessed mother
and your domineering father
and your erectile dysfunction,
despite all that, be happy."
Be happy.
That's how you sell to millennials.
Radical happiness. Punk joy.
Great, Thom.
I hope you know how excited we all...
I'd like to jump in a moment.
Uh, talk about campaigns.
Uh, Gottfrid, we have a limited
amount of time with these gentlemen.
We're past the era of
advertising campaigns.
You don't have to like it,
but you can't ignore it.
Campaigns are, um, last century.
We don't need campaigns anymore.
We need... we need events. We need moments.
Why are the insurgents winning in Iraq?
Because America is playing an old game.
An old game of campaigns.
Coca-Cola needs to think like an insurgent.
We need to become an insurgent brand.
We need to fly a plane into Pepsi.
We need to plant the roadside bombs,
but on the information superhighways.
Take the Hilltop commercial.
"I'd like to buy the world a Coke." Yeah?
That was an event. It was a moment.
Not part of some campaign.
Yes, it was.
It was part of the "Real Thing" campaign.
- Technically, yes...
- Gottfrid, I appreciate your thoughts
on this, but Coca-Cola
as an insurgent brand?
I mean, you do understand
we're a 120-year-old company, don't you?
Right? We're worth over $200 billion.
I don't see how we could be
seen as an insurgent brand.
Or that we even want to
see ourselves that way.
- Frankly, I mean...
- Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, may I?
(speaking German)
Or in a less intimidating accent,
the official 1933 Nazi Party
Organization Handbook.
Arguably the most important book
in all of Hitler's Third Reich
and the most important branding book
in marketing history.
This is what Coke needs.
"Mein Kampf" was for underlings.
This is what the professionals read.
Bush read "Mein Kampf." Cheney read this.
(Jonathan snorts)
650 pages
of exacting, illustrated information
on brand attributes, logos, fonts,
graphics, and brand personality.
It is the absolute model
for effective marketing.
There is no brand that was
as powerful as the Nazi brand.
Not even yours.
Whatever marketing term you wanna use,
whatever message you wanna deliver,
the goal is the same.
Domination.
See, I think radical happiness...
I think it's a big idea.
But the critical thing,
the one thing that I want you
to take away from this meeting
is that Coca-Cola is not a brand.
It's an Uber brand.
It's a movement that deserves
a fanatical devotion.
If we are lucky enough to be chosen
by you to pitch this account,
I can assure you we will
not rest, we will not falter.
Your mission is our mission.
We are playing for one thing only.
(speaks German)
♪ I'd like to give the world a Coke ♪
- ♪ And drink it cheerfully ♪
- ♪ That's for me ♪
♪ I'd like to get the world to sing ♪
♪ In... ♪
- Cut!
Cut. Cut. Cut!
That wasn't very happy, was it?
I told you to be happy.
Not a little happy, not sort of happy,
happy happy!
We are all happy all the time.
We are all happy,ja?!
(thud)
(mutters in German)
(clears throat)
Let's take it from the top!
Hey, listen. I can't believe you
got out that Nazi book today.
Why?
It's the third time you've
done it in six months.
That's not true. I used it once
before in the Chase pitch.
What about Google?
Uh, yes. Okay. You're right.
But if there's anyone who ever
wanted to take over the entire world,
it's those crazy motherfuckers.
What can I say? Survival...
it ain't pretty, but it's all we got.
To tonic water.
And acceptable levels of misery.
Thom: So the whole mother ship
thing may have started as a joke,
but now I'm pretty sure it isn't.
If I hadn't met Lee, it
wouldn't be funny at all.
We're the only ones on Earth
the other one can stand.
Maybe that's all you can
ask for on this planet...
one nonasshole.
Oh. Hey!
Thom: Two if you're lucky.
Come here. (growls)
Mwah.
Thom: After all, the pursuit of happiness
is the source of all unhappiness.
- Hey!
- Hey.
Welcome home.
Thom: You know who said that?
Lulu-fucking-lemon.
- Oh, great.
- Want a beer?
Thom: Here on planet asshole,
the shopping bag knows all.
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you know it,
then your face will surely show it ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪
♪ If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands ♪