Happy Together (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Bland Gestures - full transcript
12 across: "2018 NBA
Rookie of the Year."
(CHUCKLES) Claire-bear, pass
me that pencil, please.
(CHUCKLES) Ah!
This bad boy's going in pen, baby.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
I love it when you get all
confident during word games.
Thank you.
Uh, the 2018 NBA Rookie of the
Year is none other than...
he's my favorite player...
I want to name my child after him...
Uh...
That might be moreof a conversation.
Ben Simmons!
You want to name our
kid after Ben Simmons?
Yeah.
Ben Simmons Davis.
Well, what if it's a girl?
Ben Simmons Marie Davis.
- (LAUGHS)
- Kind of like it.
- It's doing something.
- (CAR DOOR SHUTS)
Oh, that's Cooper. He's home early.
Damn it. He's always walking
in on us doing something lame.
I know. God.
See, this is the kind of thing
that no one warns you about
when you agree to allow
a world famous pop star
to move in with you.
- Okay. What do we do?
- Uh...
I don't... um...
I don't... uh, just be cool.
Yeah, just be cool.
Uh... um...
Hey, guys.
- Hey, how you doing, man?
- COOPER: Yeah, all right.
Hey, you know that
feeling when you know
- you're in love right away?
- Oh, totally.
Like, uh, when we first started
mixing M&M's in with our popcorn.
(CHUCKLES) So, who's the lucky lady?
Vanessa Cole.
That country singer who sings
"That Dog Ain't Right."
- Oh, we love that song, right?
- CLAIRE: Yeah.
♪ Oh, he'll chew your stuff
and bark all night ♪
♪ He'll bite your ankles
with all his might ♪
♪ Yes, it's plain to see ♪
BOTH: ♪ That dog ain't right. ♪
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, you're dating Vanessa.
Well, before she goes on her fall tour,
I want to surprise her with
a big, romantic gesture,
but I'm kind of sick of my go-to moves.
You know, like renting
out Dodger's Stadium
- to watch Field of Dreams...
- Right.
Or eating a 12-course
meal at the Vatican.
Of course.
How did you pull that off?
Oh, I know the owner.
God?
So, I was thinking,
you guys have been together
for half my life...
Feels like a hurtful
way to keep time.
No.
What big, romantic moves have
you done over the years?
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Don't even get us...
- Don't get us started.
- Right?
- Because once we start,
we ain't stopping.
Yeah. There's so many, it's like, um...
I mean, it just goes on and on and on.
(ROLLS TONGUE)
(BOTH STAMMERING)
Hmm. Well, there's that one... hmm...
CLAIRE: Oh! Oh! Okay.
- Get him. Let him know.
- Ooh. Okay. So...
Let him know. So, just last week,
Jake totally surprised me by
filling up my car with gas.
Mm-hmm.
'Cause everyone knows that
the way to a woman's heart
is through her gas tank.
That's not a euphemism.
JAKE: Oh, I know.
Um, like, uh, Claire,
she always leaves me
cute, little, sexy notes
like this one I found in
my, uh, briefcase today.
(CHUCKLES)
(SEXY VOICE): "Jake,
please buy lightbulbs."
I mean, I can't be the only one
who's getting goose bumps. Huh?
Look at that. (CHUCKLES)
You know what? We're past
all that stuff. You know?
I mean, I don't have to
prove I love someone
when I regularly pick up their
prescription toothpaste.
Aw, yeah.
That's right, baby.
(INHALES)
(COUGHS)
It's working.
It's working and, uh, so are we.
All right, well, let me know
if you think of anything.
- All right.
- (LAUGHS)
You know, babe, I didn't want to
embarrass you in front of Cooper,
but that toothpaste is not working.
♪ Imagine me and you ♪
♪ I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. ♪
I'd like to propose a toast.
Yay.
To my beautiful wife
who makes me excited to
wake up every day. Aw.
Happy birthday, baby.
Ah, happy birthday.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Super sweet.
Cooper says happy birthday, as well.
He'd be here, but he
rented out SeaWorld
so he and Vanessa could
watch Finding Nemo.
Do you think he just doesn't
know about movie theaters?
- That seems a little extravagant.
- CLAIRE: Right?
It's hard not to feel
like unromantic losers
when you're living with a celebrity
who, for Valentine's Day,
bought his girlfriend a panda
holding a box of chocolates.
An actual panda.
I mean, is it okay that
we don't do those things?
Of course it is.
That big, showy stuff
is for new couples
who don't know what true love is.
GERALD: I don't know.
I think every once in a while
a big move can be nice.
Trust me, honey, a small,
quiet dinner with my family,
that's all I need.
Right? I mean, married
people don't need to do
- that over-the-top, crazy stuff.
- (GASPS)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Daddy, is this for me?
- Yes.
♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ My Bonnie lies over the sea... ♪
What the hell is this?
Oh, there's Cliff and Betty. June!
Bonnie, I know we've missed a
lot of big events together
while we were working,
so I decided to gather
our best friends and our family
to show you just how much
your life and your love means to me.
BOTH: ♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ 'Cause there's only
one Bonnie for me. ♪
(SQUEALS)
Oh, I was wrong, Claire.
This is what true love is.
(SIGHS)
Claire-bear, we're good, right?
Our fire's still burning?
Yeah, of course it is.
No, I mean, when Cooper
does a grand gesture,
it's one thing, but now your parents?
No, babe, we are en fuego.
Okay?
We just need to accept that our fire
is more of a controlled burn.
I guess that sounds good.
Yeah, we're-we're a safe
and sensible flame. Right?
We're like, uh, carbon
monoxide poisoning.
You can't detect it, but
it'll take your breath away.
Definitely. You know, it's
like those fake candles
that they have at The
Cheesecake Factory.
- Consistent, yet electric.
- Yep.
(LISPING): Yeah. You know, I just...
I just want to make sure
we're still passionate.
You know?
(LISPING): Sweetie,
we are so passionate.
It's all good.
Oh, wait, stop, babe.
We forgot to kiss.
(SIGHS)
Well, let's just have a
makeup kiss at breakfast.
Okay? Mm. Good night.
Sleep tight, sweetie.
Okay.
I have been married to
Claire for four years now,
and I just want to do something big
to remind her how much I love her.
So what's, like, a cool,
over-the-top romantic move I could do?
Do you want the name of my stadium guy?
I can't rent out Dodger Stadium.
Are you not a baseball fan?
Eh...
Yeah, dude, that's the only
speed bump in that plan.
- What about a private flight to Fiji?
- All right.
Listen, you are at a Bentley,
I'm-a need you at a bus pass, okay?
What is the most affordable
grand gesture you've done?
Well, I got my last girlfriend's
name tattooed on my body.
Oh, Claire loves tattoos!
Ah, but that might only be
when they're on The Rock.
Dwayne is such a sweet guy.
Why don't I text him
to see if he can take
Claire on a picnic.
No!
No!
Sorry. No. I...
I don't want that.
But that tattoo idea
is perfect, you know.
It-It's sexy, it's permanent, you know.
Plus, Claire would never see it coming
because she knows I'm
afraid of needles. (LAUGHS)
- (NEEDLES BUZZING)
- Ahh!
Hey, uh, what are we talking
on the pain scale here, huh?
It's more of a tickle.
(SCREAMING)
Ooh, tickly.
So, Jake, where'd you like
to get your tattoo today?
Uh, probably a cleaner
room, that'd be nice,
uh, maybe somewhere with
a little more privacy.
He means where on your body.
Oh.
Well, as Captain Hook says
with his treasure maps,
"Flex marks the spot."
Huh?
He wants it on his shoulder.
Jake, are you absolutely
sure about this?
Yeah, I am, I'm-I'm sure.
Uh, you know, I'm-I'm
crazy about Claire.
I want to do something crazy for her,
something big, something
romantic, you know?
Got it.
I can make your junk
look like a dragon.
Uh, great brainstorming sesh,
buddy, that's-that's nice,
but, um, I was thinking
something a little less scary
and a little more, uh, swirly.
You're the boss.
Okay, just raise your finger
if you need me to stop for any reason.
(CHUCKLES) The only finger
I'll be raising is my thumb
because hell yeah, dude.
- (NEEDLE BUZZING)
- (SCREAMING)
Ha-ha!
It tickles! You were right!
It tickles so bad!
Oh, Jake, guess what,
there was a crossword
clue about the IRS.
It was ten letters, started with a "C."
Compulsory.
Where have you been?
Well, I had lunch with Coop-dog,
went and picked up your lightbulbs.
Oh.
Oh, and I, uh, slammed
a little body art.
Wait, what?
Oh, you're talking about
my "champ stamp"?
Jake, is that a freaking tattoo?
Oh, my God, well, let me see it.
Easy, easy. No touching the dancers.
He said I'm not supposed to take
the bandages off yet, but, uh,
tat-rats like us don't
play by the rules, so...
(MUTTERING)
Ready? Here, ready?
Ah, just peel that...
(MOANS)
Woo. (LAUGHS)
Jake, aw!
You got my name tattooed on your arm.
Yup.
Did it hurt?
I screamed so much they made me
put my own socks in my mouth.
Oh, my God, well, this is the
most romantic thing ever.
- But...
- But what?
Nothing. It's just...
I don't know, this is so sweet,
and it just makes me feel bad
'cause I've never done anything
big like this for you.
Sea bass, don't you dare.
I may be painted,
but you're the masterpiece
around here, okay?
(LAUGHS) Okay. Ah...
You know, I've never hooked
up with a tattoo guy before.
Oh, well, all that's about
to change because, uh,
as they say in Space Jam,
"Y'all ready for this?"
Well, I'm excited to help, Claire,
but just because Jake did
something over the top
doesn't mean you have to as well.
Mm, you have no idea how
marriage works, do you?
I just felt so special
when I saw his tattoo,
I want to make sure that
Jake feels the same way.
Okay, well, I usually start
with something they like
and then build from it.
So what's Jake into?
Um, well, he is really into
food, sleeping, playing ball...
Oh, my God, I married
a Golden Retriever.
You, uh, you mentioned food,
would, uh, would Jake like to
cook a meal with Gordon Ramsey?
If you pay extra
he yells at you until you
feel like absolute garbage,
it's pretty great.
Uh, well, he's-he's not
into gourmet food.
Okay, um, what about a sparring
session with Conor McGregor?
If you ask nicely he'll knock
you out, it's pretty great.
Are all these people in your phone?
Yeah, these are just the people
I'm playing Words With
Friends against right now.
Okay, give me that thing. I
need to see your contacts.
Oh, my God, you're
friends with The Rock?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God...
No!
No. No, um,
yeah, I don't think
Jake would like that.
(CHUCKLES)
Whoa, man, nice ink, bro.
It's killer. I'm a bit of a
squid myself.
Thinking about getting a whole sleeve.
That looks bad.
Yeah, badass.
I heard guys like us can't be
buried in a Jewish cemetery.
No, I'm saying that looks nasty.
I'm a dirty dog, through and through.
Sir, I'm trying to tell you
your tattoo is horribly infected.
So that's not just muscle
juice leaking out of it?
(WINCING)
Stop.
Jake, I-I'm not trying to scare you,
but this looks very serious.
That infection is verging on necrosis.
I'm sorry, I just don't see
a world where we're not amputating.
(HIGH-PITCHED): No... put it down!
What are you doing?!
Hey, hey! What's going on?
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, my God.
Your face. Your face.
(IMITATING YELPS)
It's for the lime, Jake.
- BONNIE: Oh, my God.
- Don't worry, buddy.
We're just gonna give
you this antibiotic
and it should clear it
up in a week or so.
But I have to ask, Jake, why on
Earth would you get a tattoo?
Well, because I thought
only new couples
had to do these grand gestures.
But then, you two started doing them.
Well, technically, only Gerald did one.
Oh, I repaid the favor.
Nothing's for free, Jake.
(CHUCKLES)
(RETCHES)
All right, I guess I should
probably sterilize this,
being... all right,
there we go.
Other arm, other arm, please.
Other arm. All right, very well.
Could you give me a countdown, please?
Oh, I wish I could, but
I'm not a pediatrician.
All right, don't be surprised
if the antibiotics make
your arm a little sore.
And keep washing that area,
or we'll have to, you know...
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Bonnie, Bonnie.
He fell for it again.
Hey, Claire, you home?
Jake. Where have you been?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, I-I...
Got a little infection
going on in my tat.
What?
Yeah, my arms are so sore, I
can barely move them both.
Man, this is awful timing.
Well, I'm not supposed to say,
but Claire's planned an
awesome surprise for you.
Really? What is it?
Check your phone.
(GRUNTING): Okay.
"Dr. Dunk," that's me,
"Grab your keys and make a
fast break to Henley Park
or you'll be called for a foul."
This is basketball-related?
Yeah. All I can say is that
Claire's really excited
to do this grand gesture for you.
Ah, nice. I mean, I
can't play basketball,
but I might as well drive
down there and thank her.
Grab my keys, man. Let's go. (CHUCKLES)
Ha, ha.
You know what? You know what...
You steer, I'll do the pedals.
CLAIRE: Jake!
Oh, I'm so glad you're here. What...
Why are you walking like
you've been lassoed?
Can I talk to you for a
second over here, please?
Over here...
Yeah? Yeah, uh, listen, um,
I love that you planned this
grand gesture for me, but, um...
My champ stamp got infected, and, uh,
I can't play basketball today.
Seriously?
- Yeah.
- (SIGHS) That stinks.
Well, you know how you've always
wanted to play with NBA players?
Yes.
I kind of got you into a charity
tournament with your favorite.
It's Ben Simmons.
(SQUEAKING): What? He's...
aww, come on.
What? Is it...? How did you do this?
Uh, Cooper knows him.
Yeah, I didn't even know
Ben played basketball.
But if he's as good at this
game as he is at Scrabble,
you're gonna be in great shape.
(GROANS)
Hey, Coop.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, Claire.
What's up? What's up, Ben Simmons?
OK. So, um, anyway, um,
I'm so sorry, Ben,
but I think we're gonna
have to take a rain check,
'cause my husband's
in pretty serious...
Awe of his amazing wife.
We doing this, man.
We gonna do this.
CLAIRE: Okay, you got this, babe!
All right, guys, let's have some fun.
♪ Lonely bird, broken
wings, but I still fly ♪
♪ Ooh, change up,
hunger never came up ♪
♪ From Oakland out to Philly,
it's the same love ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ They got to call me Mr. T... ♪
It's all good. Just getting
used to the speed.
♪ Chasing history, 20 years from now ♪
♪ The generation will
still mention me ♪
- Oh...
- ♪ We play to win ♪
♪ Making sure I don't
say this all again... ♪
I thought you played college ball.
That was a pass, bro.
Well, I, uh, really thought
that Jake was gonna be able
to play without his
arms, but it turns out,
I didn't know what basketball was.
Hey. I love you, babe. You got this.
All right, Ben, let's huddle up.
Do we have to? Your shoulder
smells like really old turkey.
Listen, I got an idea.
We're gonna win this game with some
good old-fashioned fundamentals.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Go with what you know, bro.
(CHEERING)
(SCREAMS)
(SIGHS) Today was so
amazing, Claire-Bear.
- Yeah? Oh...
- (GRUNTS)
Get your butt in here for a hug.
- Oh...
- (SHOUTS)
Do it... Oh!
Okay. (CHUCKLES) Right?
Worked out well. Yeah.
Uh... pleasure doing
business with you. Yeah.
Yes, yes.
Ah, I'm gonna have to think of
something huge to top this.
Uh, is it crazy that I don't
want another grand gesture?
I mean, they're sweet and
all, but I kind of prefer
when you just do little things,
like, how you always
fill up my car with gas.
Or those cute little
notesyou always leave me.
Yeah.
Or like how you always
bring an extra spoon
whenever you eat ice cream.
Yeah, exactly.
They're more like bland
gestures, but...
- Mm.
- They're better.
Because that means that we're thinking
about each other all the time.
Totally. Like, I'm with you right now,
but I still miss you whenever I blink.
Claire, where'd you...
Oh, my God, Claire, I can't...
Claire, where'd you...
Oh, there you are.
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God.
You guys are geniuses.
- We're listening.
- Go on.
I kept trying to surprise
Vanessa with a big move,
but none of them were having an impact.
So I thought, "What would
Jake and Claire do?"
And I filled up her gas tank and
she went absolutely nuts for it.
Oh, my God. Well, that's amazing.
Yeah, I know. And I got to
say, I'm-I'm really grateful
for you guys letting me stay here.
You're really onto something
with this normal life.
(JAKE AND CLAIRE CHUCKLE)
Well, uh, we're happy to
have you here, Coops.
And, uh, take it from us:
sometimes $40 of gas is all it takes.
$40? I'm gonna need the
number of your jet fuel guy.
Oh. Oh, you filled up her plane?
Yeah. Different situation.
Yeah, she said fueling
up her private jet
was the most thoughtful thing
anyone's ever done for her.
Thanks. $40, ha...
- Oh.
- Ah.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Cooper's phone.
Uh... (CLATTERING)
Oh... oh, my God. It's The Rock.
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
- Yeah! Look.
- Can I see that?
- Ooh, wow.
- (SHOUTS, GROANS)
Rookie of the Year."
(CHUCKLES) Claire-bear, pass
me that pencil, please.
(CHUCKLES) Ah!
This bad boy's going in pen, baby.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
I love it when you get all
confident during word games.
Thank you.
Uh, the 2018 NBA Rookie of the
Year is none other than...
he's my favorite player...
I want to name my child after him...
Uh...
That might be moreof a conversation.
Ben Simmons!
You want to name our
kid after Ben Simmons?
Yeah.
Ben Simmons Davis.
Well, what if it's a girl?
Ben Simmons Marie Davis.
- (LAUGHS)
- Kind of like it.
- It's doing something.
- (CAR DOOR SHUTS)
Oh, that's Cooper. He's home early.
Damn it. He's always walking
in on us doing something lame.
I know. God.
See, this is the kind of thing
that no one warns you about
when you agree to allow
a world famous pop star
to move in with you.
- Okay. What do we do?
- Uh...
I don't... um...
I don't... uh, just be cool.
Yeah, just be cool.
Uh... um...
Hey, guys.
- Hey, how you doing, man?
- COOPER: Yeah, all right.
Hey, you know that
feeling when you know
- you're in love right away?
- Oh, totally.
Like, uh, when we first started
mixing M&M's in with our popcorn.
(CHUCKLES) So, who's the lucky lady?
Vanessa Cole.
That country singer who sings
"That Dog Ain't Right."
- Oh, we love that song, right?
- CLAIRE: Yeah.
♪ Oh, he'll chew your stuff
and bark all night ♪
♪ He'll bite your ankles
with all his might ♪
♪ Yes, it's plain to see ♪
BOTH: ♪ That dog ain't right. ♪
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, you're dating Vanessa.
Well, before she goes on her fall tour,
I want to surprise her with
a big, romantic gesture,
but I'm kind of sick of my go-to moves.
You know, like renting
out Dodger's Stadium
- to watch Field of Dreams...
- Right.
Or eating a 12-course
meal at the Vatican.
Of course.
How did you pull that off?
Oh, I know the owner.
God?
So, I was thinking,
you guys have been together
for half my life...
Feels like a hurtful
way to keep time.
No.
What big, romantic moves have
you done over the years?
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Don't even get us...
- Don't get us started.
- Right?
- Because once we start,
we ain't stopping.
Yeah. There's so many, it's like, um...
I mean, it just goes on and on and on.
(ROLLS TONGUE)
(BOTH STAMMERING)
Hmm. Well, there's that one... hmm...
CLAIRE: Oh! Oh! Okay.
- Get him. Let him know.
- Ooh. Okay. So...
Let him know. So, just last week,
Jake totally surprised me by
filling up my car with gas.
Mm-hmm.
'Cause everyone knows that
the way to a woman's heart
is through her gas tank.
That's not a euphemism.
JAKE: Oh, I know.
Um, like, uh, Claire,
she always leaves me
cute, little, sexy notes
like this one I found in
my, uh, briefcase today.
(CHUCKLES)
(SEXY VOICE): "Jake,
please buy lightbulbs."
I mean, I can't be the only one
who's getting goose bumps. Huh?
Look at that. (CHUCKLES)
You know what? We're past
all that stuff. You know?
I mean, I don't have to
prove I love someone
when I regularly pick up their
prescription toothpaste.
Aw, yeah.
That's right, baby.
(INHALES)
(COUGHS)
It's working.
It's working and, uh, so are we.
All right, well, let me know
if you think of anything.
- All right.
- (LAUGHS)
You know, babe, I didn't want to
embarrass you in front of Cooper,
but that toothpaste is not working.
♪ Imagine me and you ♪
♪ I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right ♪
♪ So happy together ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. ♪
I'd like to propose a toast.
Yay.
To my beautiful wife
who makes me excited to
wake up every day. Aw.
Happy birthday, baby.
Ah, happy birthday.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Super sweet.
Cooper says happy birthday, as well.
He'd be here, but he
rented out SeaWorld
so he and Vanessa could
watch Finding Nemo.
Do you think he just doesn't
know about movie theaters?
- That seems a little extravagant.
- CLAIRE: Right?
It's hard not to feel
like unromantic losers
when you're living with a celebrity
who, for Valentine's Day,
bought his girlfriend a panda
holding a box of chocolates.
An actual panda.
I mean, is it okay that
we don't do those things?
Of course it is.
That big, showy stuff
is for new couples
who don't know what true love is.
GERALD: I don't know.
I think every once in a while
a big move can be nice.
Trust me, honey, a small,
quiet dinner with my family,
that's all I need.
Right? I mean, married
people don't need to do
- that over-the-top, crazy stuff.
- (GASPS)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Daddy, is this for me?
- Yes.
♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ My Bonnie lies over the sea... ♪
What the hell is this?
Oh, there's Cliff and Betty. June!
Bonnie, I know we've missed a
lot of big events together
while we were working,
so I decided to gather
our best friends and our family
to show you just how much
your life and your love means to me.
BOTH: ♪ My Bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
♪ 'Cause there's only
one Bonnie for me. ♪
(SQUEALS)
Oh, I was wrong, Claire.
This is what true love is.
(SIGHS)
Claire-bear, we're good, right?
Our fire's still burning?
Yeah, of course it is.
No, I mean, when Cooper
does a grand gesture,
it's one thing, but now your parents?
No, babe, we are en fuego.
Okay?
We just need to accept that our fire
is more of a controlled burn.
I guess that sounds good.
Yeah, we're-we're a safe
and sensible flame. Right?
We're like, uh, carbon
monoxide poisoning.
You can't detect it, but
it'll take your breath away.
Definitely. You know, it's
like those fake candles
that they have at The
Cheesecake Factory.
- Consistent, yet electric.
- Yep.
(LISPING): Yeah. You know, I just...
I just want to make sure
we're still passionate.
You know?
(LISPING): Sweetie,
we are so passionate.
It's all good.
Oh, wait, stop, babe.
We forgot to kiss.
(SIGHS)
Well, let's just have a
makeup kiss at breakfast.
Okay? Mm. Good night.
Sleep tight, sweetie.
Okay.
I have been married to
Claire for four years now,
and I just want to do something big
to remind her how much I love her.
So what's, like, a cool,
over-the-top romantic move I could do?
Do you want the name of my stadium guy?
I can't rent out Dodger Stadium.
Are you not a baseball fan?
Eh...
Yeah, dude, that's the only
speed bump in that plan.
- What about a private flight to Fiji?
- All right.
Listen, you are at a Bentley,
I'm-a need you at a bus pass, okay?
What is the most affordable
grand gesture you've done?
Well, I got my last girlfriend's
name tattooed on my body.
Oh, Claire loves tattoos!
Ah, but that might only be
when they're on The Rock.
Dwayne is such a sweet guy.
Why don't I text him
to see if he can take
Claire on a picnic.
No!
No!
Sorry. No. I...
I don't want that.
But that tattoo idea
is perfect, you know.
It-It's sexy, it's permanent, you know.
Plus, Claire would never see it coming
because she knows I'm
afraid of needles. (LAUGHS)
- (NEEDLES BUZZING)
- Ahh!
Hey, uh, what are we talking
on the pain scale here, huh?
It's more of a tickle.
(SCREAMING)
Ooh, tickly.
So, Jake, where'd you like
to get your tattoo today?
Uh, probably a cleaner
room, that'd be nice,
uh, maybe somewhere with
a little more privacy.
He means where on your body.
Oh.
Well, as Captain Hook says
with his treasure maps,
"Flex marks the spot."
Huh?
He wants it on his shoulder.
Jake, are you absolutely
sure about this?
Yeah, I am, I'm-I'm sure.
Uh, you know, I'm-I'm
crazy about Claire.
I want to do something crazy for her,
something big, something
romantic, you know?
Got it.
I can make your junk
look like a dragon.
Uh, great brainstorming sesh,
buddy, that's-that's nice,
but, um, I was thinking
something a little less scary
and a little more, uh, swirly.
You're the boss.
Okay, just raise your finger
if you need me to stop for any reason.
(CHUCKLES) The only finger
I'll be raising is my thumb
because hell yeah, dude.
- (NEEDLE BUZZING)
- (SCREAMING)
Ha-ha!
It tickles! You were right!
It tickles so bad!
Oh, Jake, guess what,
there was a crossword
clue about the IRS.
It was ten letters, started with a "C."
Compulsory.
Where have you been?
Well, I had lunch with Coop-dog,
went and picked up your lightbulbs.
Oh.
Oh, and I, uh, slammed
a little body art.
Wait, what?
Oh, you're talking about
my "champ stamp"?
Jake, is that a freaking tattoo?
Oh, my God, well, let me see it.
Easy, easy. No touching the dancers.
He said I'm not supposed to take
the bandages off yet, but, uh,
tat-rats like us don't
play by the rules, so...
(MUTTERING)
Ready? Here, ready?
Ah, just peel that...
(MOANS)
Woo. (LAUGHS)
Jake, aw!
You got my name tattooed on your arm.
Yup.
Did it hurt?
I screamed so much they made me
put my own socks in my mouth.
Oh, my God, well, this is the
most romantic thing ever.
- But...
- But what?
Nothing. It's just...
I don't know, this is so sweet,
and it just makes me feel bad
'cause I've never done anything
big like this for you.
Sea bass, don't you dare.
I may be painted,
but you're the masterpiece
around here, okay?
(LAUGHS) Okay. Ah...
You know, I've never hooked
up with a tattoo guy before.
Oh, well, all that's about
to change because, uh,
as they say in Space Jam,
"Y'all ready for this?"
Well, I'm excited to help, Claire,
but just because Jake did
something over the top
doesn't mean you have to as well.
Mm, you have no idea how
marriage works, do you?
I just felt so special
when I saw his tattoo,
I want to make sure that
Jake feels the same way.
Okay, well, I usually start
with something they like
and then build from it.
So what's Jake into?
Um, well, he is really into
food, sleeping, playing ball...
Oh, my God, I married
a Golden Retriever.
You, uh, you mentioned food,
would, uh, would Jake like to
cook a meal with Gordon Ramsey?
If you pay extra
he yells at you until you
feel like absolute garbage,
it's pretty great.
Uh, well, he's-he's not
into gourmet food.
Okay, um, what about a sparring
session with Conor McGregor?
If you ask nicely he'll knock
you out, it's pretty great.
Are all these people in your phone?
Yeah, these are just the people
I'm playing Words With
Friends against right now.
Okay, give me that thing. I
need to see your contacts.
Oh, my God, you're
friends with The Rock?
(LAUGHS)
Oh, my God...
No!
No. No, um,
yeah, I don't think
Jake would like that.
(CHUCKLES)
Whoa, man, nice ink, bro.
It's killer. I'm a bit of a
squid myself.
Thinking about getting a whole sleeve.
That looks bad.
Yeah, badass.
I heard guys like us can't be
buried in a Jewish cemetery.
No, I'm saying that looks nasty.
I'm a dirty dog, through and through.
Sir, I'm trying to tell you
your tattoo is horribly infected.
So that's not just muscle
juice leaking out of it?
(WINCING)
Stop.
Jake, I-I'm not trying to scare you,
but this looks very serious.
That infection is verging on necrosis.
I'm sorry, I just don't see
a world where we're not amputating.
(HIGH-PITCHED): No... put it down!
What are you doing?!
Hey, hey! What's going on?
(BOTH LAUGH) Oh, my God.
Your face. Your face.
(IMITATING YELPS)
It's for the lime, Jake.
- BONNIE: Oh, my God.
- Don't worry, buddy.
We're just gonna give
you this antibiotic
and it should clear it
up in a week or so.
But I have to ask, Jake, why on
Earth would you get a tattoo?
Well, because I thought
only new couples
had to do these grand gestures.
But then, you two started doing them.
Well, technically, only Gerald did one.
Oh, I repaid the favor.
Nothing's for free, Jake.
(CHUCKLES)
(RETCHES)
All right, I guess I should
probably sterilize this,
being... all right,
there we go.
Other arm, other arm, please.
Other arm. All right, very well.
Could you give me a countdown, please?
Oh, I wish I could, but
I'm not a pediatrician.
All right, don't be surprised
if the antibiotics make
your arm a little sore.
And keep washing that area,
or we'll have to, you know...
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH LAUGH)
Bonnie, Bonnie.
He fell for it again.
Hey, Claire, you home?
Jake. Where have you been?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, I-I...
Got a little infection
going on in my tat.
What?
Yeah, my arms are so sore, I
can barely move them both.
Man, this is awful timing.
Well, I'm not supposed to say,
but Claire's planned an
awesome surprise for you.
Really? What is it?
Check your phone.
(GRUNTING): Okay.
"Dr. Dunk," that's me,
"Grab your keys and make a
fast break to Henley Park
or you'll be called for a foul."
This is basketball-related?
Yeah. All I can say is that
Claire's really excited
to do this grand gesture for you.
Ah, nice. I mean, I
can't play basketball,
but I might as well drive
down there and thank her.
Grab my keys, man. Let's go. (CHUCKLES)
Ha, ha.
You know what? You know what...
You steer, I'll do the pedals.
CLAIRE: Jake!
Oh, I'm so glad you're here. What...
Why are you walking like
you've been lassoed?
Can I talk to you for a
second over here, please?
Over here...
Yeah? Yeah, uh, listen, um,
I love that you planned this
grand gesture for me, but, um...
My champ stamp got infected, and, uh,
I can't play basketball today.
Seriously?
- Yeah.
- (SIGHS) That stinks.
Well, you know how you've always
wanted to play with NBA players?
Yes.
I kind of got you into a charity
tournament with your favorite.
It's Ben Simmons.
(SQUEAKING): What? He's...
aww, come on.
What? Is it...? How did you do this?
Uh, Cooper knows him.
Yeah, I didn't even know
Ben played basketball.
But if he's as good at this
game as he is at Scrabble,
you're gonna be in great shape.
(GROANS)
Hey, Coop.
- Hey, man.
- Hey, Claire.
What's up? What's up, Ben Simmons?
OK. So, um, anyway, um,
I'm so sorry, Ben,
but I think we're gonna
have to take a rain check,
'cause my husband's
in pretty serious...
Awe of his amazing wife.
We doing this, man.
We gonna do this.
CLAIRE: Okay, you got this, babe!
All right, guys, let's have some fun.
♪ Lonely bird, broken
wings, but I still fly ♪
♪ Ooh, change up,
hunger never came up ♪
♪ From Oakland out to Philly,
it's the same love ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ They got to call me Mr. T... ♪
It's all good. Just getting
used to the speed.
♪ Chasing history, 20 years from now ♪
♪ The generation will
still mention me ♪
- Oh...
- ♪ We play to win ♪
♪ Making sure I don't
say this all again... ♪
I thought you played college ball.
That was a pass, bro.
Well, I, uh, really thought
that Jake was gonna be able
to play without his
arms, but it turns out,
I didn't know what basketball was.
Hey. I love you, babe. You got this.
All right, Ben, let's huddle up.
Do we have to? Your shoulder
smells like really old turkey.
Listen, I got an idea.
We're gonna win this game with some
good old-fashioned fundamentals.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Go with what you know, bro.
(CHEERING)
(SCREAMS)
(SIGHS) Today was so
amazing, Claire-Bear.
- Yeah? Oh...
- (GRUNTS)
Get your butt in here for a hug.
- Oh...
- (SHOUTS)
Do it... Oh!
Okay. (CHUCKLES) Right?
Worked out well. Yeah.
Uh... pleasure doing
business with you. Yeah.
Yes, yes.
Ah, I'm gonna have to think of
something huge to top this.
Uh, is it crazy that I don't
want another grand gesture?
I mean, they're sweet and
all, but I kind of prefer
when you just do little things,
like, how you always
fill up my car with gas.
Or those cute little
notesyou always leave me.
Yeah.
Or like how you always
bring an extra spoon
whenever you eat ice cream.
Yeah, exactly.
They're more like bland
gestures, but...
- Mm.
- They're better.
Because that means that we're thinking
about each other all the time.
Totally. Like, I'm with you right now,
but I still miss you whenever I blink.
Claire, where'd you...
Oh, my God, Claire, I can't...
Claire, where'd you...
Oh, there you are.
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, my God.
You guys are geniuses.
- We're listening.
- Go on.
I kept trying to surprise
Vanessa with a big move,
but none of them were having an impact.
So I thought, "What would
Jake and Claire do?"
And I filled up her gas tank and
she went absolutely nuts for it.
Oh, my God. Well, that's amazing.
Yeah, I know. And I got to
say, I'm-I'm really grateful
for you guys letting me stay here.
You're really onto something
with this normal life.
(JAKE AND CLAIRE CHUCKLE)
Well, uh, we're happy to
have you here, Coops.
And, uh, take it from us:
sometimes $40 of gas is all it takes.
$40? I'm gonna need the
number of your jet fuel guy.
Oh. Oh, you filled up her plane?
Yeah. Different situation.
Yeah, she said fueling
up her private jet
was the most thoughtful thing
anyone's ever done for her.
Thanks. $40, ha...
- Oh.
- Ah.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Cooper's phone.
Uh... (CLATTERING)
Oh... oh, my God. It's The Rock.
Oh, my God. Are you serious?
- Yeah! Look.
- Can I see that?
- Ooh, wow.
- (SHOUTS, GROANS)