Happy Together (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - A Claire-Free Lifestyle - full transcript

- Cooper!
- Cooper!

- Cooper!
- Cooper!

Cooper!

Oh, my God, Claire,
this is so exciting.

I know. Thanks, Mom.

I really appreciate you guys coming

to my big restaurant opening.

Oh, that. Right. Yay!

But I was talking about the paparazzi.

Uh-oh, an unidentified girlfriend.

Who is she? It's Bonnie.



So, what are we waiting for, anyway?

Uh, Jake.

He's looking for a parking spot

because he refuses to pay for valet.

Oh, I could've spotted him.
What does it cost?

- Hundred bucks?
- Seriously, Cooper?

Do you have any idea what stuff costs?

Of course I do.

Most things cost... one credit card.

Found a spot.

But it's three blocks away, and
I need coins for the meter.

- You got coins? Give me coins.
- Oh.

Why would you not just pay for valet?

I'll tell you why, Cooper-nicus.



It's a sexy little something
called "compound interest."

You see, ten dollars saved today,

invested wisely, can blossom into...

Hey, Jake, I think
you're getting a ticket.

No!

Thank you.

Claire, this is really cool.

What the hell?

What? Uh, what-what's wrong?

None of this is what I designed.

My stupid boss must've changed
the plans without telling me.

Ugh, bosses, right? Aah.

I mean, I assume. I've
never had a real job.

Hey, Claire. Holy crap!

Cooper James. Hey.

If you don't mind, I'd
love to grab a selfie.

My girlfriend's a huge fan,

and this is gonna make the
rest of her dorm supes jeals.

Oliver, um, what happened here?

I thought that you said that I
had the lead on this design,

and, and then you went and
changed all my ideas?

Yes. Yeah, we decided
to go back to basics.

But thank you for being
so chill about it.

You know, this is what I love
about working with millennials.

Even the ones on the older side.

Well, I got two tickets:

one for parking and one for jaywalking.

Wow.

Really showed those valet
guys who's stupid.

Wow, Claire, this place is amazing.

- Uh, Jake, maybe don't...
- Complimenting my girl here, Coops.

Uh, back off. I mean,

it's so Claire, right?

- I mean, all this exposed brick.
- Jake, none of it is what I designed.

It's disgusting.

Seriously.

I mean, what kind of idiot puts
an orange tree inside a bar?

Actually, that's my one idea he kept.

"Orange" you glad he did?

Can we please just get out of here?

Yes, yes. Your carriage awaits, milady.

Hey, Jake, I think your
car is getting towed.

No!

I just... I can't...

I... Mm-mm.

It just keeps happening.

Okay? Oliver always says

he wants to try something different,

but then we end up going
back to his same old ideas.

Don't worry, babe.

That restaurant's terrible.

To quote your dad on our wedding day,

"I give it six months."

You know, Claire, I can relate.

When I was recording my second album,

I wanted to try some different styles,

but the label didn't let me veer
away from what was working.

So what'd you do about it?

Well, I put my foot down.

You know, they wanted my hair long.

I wanted it short, so I kept it medium.

Looking back, it wasn't as
dramatic as it felt at the time.

You know, maybe I should march
back down to that restaurant

and demand that Oliver listen to me.

He's probably still there trying
to explain to the waitress

why his hair plugs are bleeding.

Now, now, now, now, now,
now, now, now, now, now,

hold on, Claire. All right?

You have to understand that
Cooper is a celebrity, okay?

And we regular people can't
always play by his rules.

Is this because you got scolded

for walking down that red carpet?

I wasn't scolded, Claire.

I was tased.

And if you act too rashly here,

you might lose a steady
job with a good income

that, combined with mine,
has us on track to retire

in 25 to 31 years.

But how can I expect
for things to change

if I don't tell my
boss how I'm feeling?

By facing your feelings head-on.

And then squeezing them down
into a tersely worded e-mail

ending in, "Let's grab a Corona."

Okay. Hand me the computer.

I just hope that Oliver gets Wi-Fi

considering how far he
lives up his own butt.

Okay. Okay. No-kay. Okay. Okay.

How about I take the keys
so I can type this e-mail

in "business" English

and not "Roseanne Barr
on Twitter" English.

All right. Let's get started.

Um, dear assclown.

"Dear Oliver."

I would rather wear razor blade goggles

than look at another
one of your designs.

"I've learned a lot
from your sharp eye,

"but I'd love to discuss
some new designs

that I've been working on."

You wouldn't know a fresh idea
if it popped up in front of you,

like the sad penis you once
accidentally group-texted

our whole staff.

"I would love to soft-pitch you

some new ideas for the company."

Oh, my gosh. Jake, you're a genius.

Oliver wrote back to say he would love

to discuss things further with me.

Wow! See, babe?

I had a feeling he would respond better

to not being called an assclown.

Well, I am going in early to prep.

Mwah. Thanks again for
all your support.

Hey. I'm a human bra, baby.

Hey, Jake. Do you have
a second to chat?

Is it sex-related or money-related?

I know I'm your go-to for both, so...

It's... You're not...

It's money-related. Ah.

Ever since I've realized
I've been paying

ten times what it costs to valet,

I've been thinking, am I
out of touch with money?

Hmm, let's see. Uh, how
many cars do you own?

I don't know.

Yep, you're out of touch with money.

I grew up in a household
where money was tight,

and now I don't even know
the value of a dollar.

Would you be able to go
over my finances with me?

Yes!

Yes!

I mean, yeah, yeah, that's cool. Yeah.

We can talk numbers and stuff.
You know what I'm saying?

It's cool, though. Right this way.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, well, you dumbos pay

for all the subscription
services, and we hear

there is a new show on
about horny pirates.

It's called All Hands on Deck.

"Deck"? Oh, man, I misread that title.

So, what-what are you guys up to?

Well, I've realized I want to learn

how to be more responsible
with my money.

Cooper, this binder has graphs
tracking all your spending.

Nerd.

Breakdowns of all your revenue.

Dork.

So...

once you get acquainted with all that,

then, uh, tonight we can
talk about where we can

make some cuts.

Cooper, if you want some
real-life money tips,

we are the people to help you.

That's right. As young retirees,

we've mastered the art
of stretching a dollar.

We'll take you to happy hour
and give you some tips.

That'd be awesome. Thanks.
We can take my car.

Or we could each take one of my cars.

I honestly don't know how many I have.

And for those reasons,

I really think that these designs

can help us attract a whole
new batch of clients.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was focusing so hard

on making it seem like
I was listening to you

that I didn't hear a single thing.

Oliver, I want more creative freedom.

It's what you promised
me when I started here.

Look, I understand being
frustrated at work.

I had to put up with my
father for two whole years

before he died and I
took over the company.

I just need to know that I'm valued.

'Cause if things don't change,

I don't think I can keep working here.

Claire, you're super talented.
We're lucky to have you.

But just like my stepmother,

you need to respect that I'm the boss.

So nothing's gonna change.

- I'm afraid not.
- Hmm.

Okay. Well, um...

- then I quit.
- Whoa!

You can't just quit.
You're not my therapist.

Oliver, you don't deserve
someone like me.

I... I'm a really hard worker,

and I have amazing ideas,

and I'm going to find a design firm

that appreciates all
that I can do for them.

And now I'm gonna do

what no woman in your
life has ever done:

leave your room satisfied.

So, like, so you-you quit your job?

Like... like, like...

like, like, quit, quit, or, like...

like, quit, quit, quit?

Like...

I did. And quit saying "quit."

- Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.
- Look,

I know that you are nervous
about the hit to our finances,

but I had to do it.

No, I... Girl, it's fi... it's fine.

Money is just a state of mind.

But also a thing that you exchange

for food and shelter, so...

Okay. Okay, okay. Luckily,
I am an accountant,

and I have accounted for everything.

Oh, you're about to pull
out a binder, aren't you?

This binder...

has a detailed plan

of all of our potential
life-altering scenarios.

Let's see what we got up in here.

Okay, uh...

"Earthquake," uh, "surprise triplets."

Ooh.

"I lose my hair."

Ah, here we are.

"One of us quits their job."

"Good for you, Claire.

Everything's going to be okay."

Check.

No, I've... I've already made a list

of ten design firms that
I want to apply to.

I-I'm actually really excited about it.

Well, so am I.

Uh, "Smile and hug her."

Thank you. I know how
much you hate change,

and so this must be a lot for you.

It's all good in the hood.

Which is where we'll be
living if we're not careful.

But seriously, Claire, uh, I just
want you to know that, um...

And this is off binder... uh...

that I love you

and I will support you no matter what.

Aw. Well, I appreciate the support.

Hey.

I'm a human jock strap, baby.

Are you guys sure it's
okay to be eating here?

I feel bad since they didn't
use any of Claire's designs.

Next financial lesson...

Don't make sentimental
decisions about money.

Half-price appetizers are
worth betraying your family.

Mm.

So, we've shown you

the basics of money and
how much things cost.

Now it's time to teach you how to save.

Mm. That would be awesome.

Stars like me go broke all the time.

I don't want to end
up like Nicolas Cage,

having to sell my dragon eggs so
I can keep my vampire castle.

Exactly, and the key is to save money

and then invest it in a sure thing.

How do you guys go about saving money?

Uh, lots of ways.

Uh, hitting up happy hours,
only shopping on sales racks,

just constantly looking for deals.

Like how Bonnie and I love fancy meals,

but we hate paying for 'em.

One technique we use is

that Gerald will fake-propose to me,

and then the manager
comps the whole meal.

Does that free proposal
stuff really work?

Does it work?

- What?
- Bonnie Wheeler.

- No!
- Will you make me

- the happiest man in the world?
- Oh!

Yes! Yes, I will marry you.

Oh, what?

Congratulations.

Thank you. Hey, we'd
love some champagne.

Oh, and a tomahawk steak
for my blind son.

Hey, babe. You're home early.

How was work? Oh, fine.

I see you're still right where
I left you this morning.

Don't know if I should kiss you
or check you for bedsores.

Look, I know

that it has been a month
since I quit my job,

but I had the best day.

I applied for four more jobs,

I got new prints for my portfolio,

and... look... I...

finally finished my vision board!

What is that?

- It's a vision board.
- Right.

I'm visualizing all the things
that I want in my life,

including a dream job,
and I am just hoping

that the universe will provide it.

Ah, cool, cool, cool. Yeah.

It's a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Vision boards have tons of
benefits, you know. I mean,

not medical or dental, but, yeah.

They're... beneficial.

Okay, look, I know that
this is stressing you out,

but my next career move
is a big decision.

I need to be excited about it.

I'm not stressed! I...

It's not... I'm not.

I'm just gonna, you know, turn
these lights down a titch.

There we go.

There's a reason why God put
the sun in the sky, Claire.

Let's use it.

That's a little crazy, but okay.

Not as crazy as spending money on AC.

I'll tell you that.

God made wind, Claire. Let's use it.

So, uh, any new job leads? Are we...?

Not yet, but

I am getting a lot of likes
on my Instagram page.

Oh! Instagram likes!

It's nice. Like

enough Instagram likes to
pay the gas bill, or...?

Just check it out.

Ooh, checking.

Checking it out, checking it out.

Oh, you mean like from, uh,
@Hungry4Feet who wrote,

"Love the designs. Show me your feet."

Oh, oh, here's another sicko
sliding into your DMs saying,

"You're very talented, and
I'd love to meet with you

if you ever have any availabilities."

Keep dreaming, Heather Dean.

What? Wait. Heather Dean wrote that?

You know that pervert?

Jake, I have been trying

to get an interview with her
this whole time! She's amazing.

She's-she's like... she's like
my "guy who invented Quicken."

Dan Gilbert?! Write her back!

Tell her you can meet right now!

- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah!

- Okay.
- All right.

Oh, my God, I can't believe
this is happening.

Oh.

She wants to meet with me?
This is crazy.

Oh, my... I... I... I...

- I got to go take a shower.
- Oh.

Uh, well, uh,

water isn't free, Claire, so, uh...

God made Febreze. Let's use it, okay?

Thank you so much for driving. I
just want to be super prepared

- for this interview.
- Yeah, of course.

I was headed this way anyway.

Wait.

What are you doing? The
office is two blocks away.

Just picking up a friend.

- Uh, there.
- What?

You Maggie?

- Uh, Jake?
- Yup.

What's going on?

Just getting my side hustle on

to support the old income, okay?

This is crazy.

How is this crazy? I'm
supporting your dreams.

Chill out. I'm trying to
protect my five-star rating.

Hey, uh, there's mini
bottles of water back there

- if you're thirsty.
- I'm good.

Ooh. But do you have gum?

I'm meeting a guy and
hoping to make out.

Oh.

Maggie.

Give her your gum.

But I'm down to my last piece.

Five stars, babe.

Here.

All right, good luck, Claire.

You're gonna crush this interview

because you're amazing.

Can we get going here?

My guy's wife is gonna be home soon.

So, after a month of
hitting up happy hours,

shopping only at sales racks, and

three fake proposals that really
threw Us Weekly for a loop,

thanks to you guys I have saved

- this much money.
- Holy crap, dude!

If you offered me this
much at a casino,

I'd give you my wife.

Between you and me, his
real price is much lower.

- Claire.
- Hey.

How'd your interview go?

Sorry I couldn't pick you up, babe.

Got caught

on a ride back from LAX.

Sherry's out here visiting
her boyfriend, and, uh,

I didn't have the heart to tell her

that he's stringing her along.

I mean, if he was just
serious about her,

he would, like, commit.
You know what I'm saying?

More importantly, how
was your interview?

Um, it was amazing.

Heather and I totally hit it off,

she loves my designs, and...
she offered me a job.

Which is

why I pulled out our fancy champagne

that we've been saving
since our wedding day!

Okay.

Thanks, but I didn't take it.

Oh! Come on.

Won't go.

What-what-what happened, Claire?

It turns out that Heather used to work

at a crappy firm just like me,

but then she decided
to go out on her own,

and now she's killing it.

And while I was hearing
this, it hit me.

I can either keep helping other
people execute their visions

or I can finally start
executing my own.

So... here goes.

Jake, I want to start my own company.

And I know that this

is gonna throw a wrench in
our whole life plan, but...

I think it's a great idea.

What's that?

You're ready for this.

While I was at LAX, waiting for Sherry,

I was scrolling through your Instagram,

and, Claire, your stuff is amazing.

You should be doing your own thing.
I mean, look.

Look at your vision board.

Check this out.

There's a woman standing
on top of a mountain.

You clearly want to be your own boss.

- I do. I do.
- Yeah.

Um, though the mountain just meant

I wanted to start hiking more.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, what about the, uh, queen
looking over her people?

- Oh, I just like her bangs.
- Oh, come on.

Claire...

what I'm trying to tell you is
that I believe in you, okay?

And, uh...

as scared as it makes me to
stray away from our plan,

I, uh... I know that some day

this will be a risk I'm glad you took.

Oh, thank you. Mmm.

And I actually do have some ideas

of how we can cut back
our expenses even more

until, uh, I get my
company on its feet.

We could, um, make a binder.

Oh. Claire,

your parents are in the room.

- Oh.
- Congratulations.

Thanks, Mom.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You know, Claire, if it helps,

I'd love to use some of the money

that I've saved this month to
help jump-start your business.

Oh, well, that's-that's really sweet,

but I would not feel
comfortable taking your money.

She doesn't speak for all of us.

Honey, think up a company fast.

Uh, uh, uh... Netflix for shoes.

To be clear, I'm not just
giving you money, Claire.

I'm making a bet on a sure thing.
Totally different.

Are you saying you want to invest?

Vests, sweaters.

Wear whatever you want.
You're the boss.

Eh, I like the sound of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

and as your husband
and your accountant,

I have to say this is an
incredible opportunity

for you both.

I just have one question to ask.

Yes, Jake, you can do
my company's taxes.

Yeah! Yes!

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, cool,

you know what I'm saying?