Happy Together (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Home Insecurity - full transcript
Ooh, Jake, look...
That must be the girl Cooper
brought home last night.
Ooh... And he must be
upstairs preparing
his customary one-night stand gift bag.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, you must be Jake and Claire.
- I'm Sara.
- CLAIRE: Hey.
(CHUCKLES)
Is it weird to offer you pants?
Yeah, yeah, I probably
just made it weird
by asking you that. (LAUGHS)
All that to say there are pants
if you want them.
JAKE: All right, babe.
Chill out, chill out. I-I got this.
So, uh, how did you and Cooper meet?
Is this a Tinder miracle or, uh...
Or was it the old-fashioned way,
when a roadie comes up and
puts a sticker on your shirt?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I've known Cooper for years.
In fact, I might know him
better than he knows himself.
- Oh.
- Do you want an omelet?
Ooh, girl, you trying to flirt
with me in front of my wife?
- (LAUGHS) Stop.
- Stop.
Where is Cooper, anyway?
He just looked so cute sleeping,
I didn't want to wake him.
Probably tuckered out
from all that s...
sex.
I tried to bail on it, but I couldn't
- think of another word.
- Yeah.
He really couldn't, 'cause, I mean,
his dirty talk is just
him going "Whee!"
I'll-I'll go get Cooper.
- I'll go sit down.
- Yeah.
- G'day.
- Hey. I was just
coming to get you. Uh, Sara
is making us breakfast.
Great. Who's Sara?
Cooper, if you're gonna
have sex with a girl,
you should at least know her name.
I've never seen that girl in my life.
Cooper, if you're gonna
have sex with a girl,
you should at least look at her.
No...
Claire, I swear to you, I have
no idea who that person is.
What? She says she knows you
better than you know yourself.
And she watched you sleep, and...
Oh... Oh, my God, is she a stalker?
Looks like it. I-I'll go
call my manager to help.
He's always dealing with stuff
like this. In the meantime,
don't eat anything she
cooks, and just stay calm.
- They're usually harmless.
- What...
Usually?
W-We should call the police.
Don't be such a white lady, Claire.
JAKE: Claire get in here,
Sara's killing me!
With this amazing omelet.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Mmm, mmm.
- Hon... Jake.
Jake, this girl is a stalker.
Hey,
do you have a sharper knife?
Uh...
Hey. Hell yeah, we do.
(LAUGHS)
This one in here is guaranteed
to cut through bone.
- (EXCLAIMS)
- (LAUGHS)
Ow, you're hurting me.
Jake.
Cooper does not know this woman.
- She is a stalker.
- What?
- No way.
- SARA: Yeah.
"Stalker" implies I'm
still looking for Cooper.
Now that I've found him,
I'm never gonna let him go.
Aw... (LAUGHS)
Oh, my God!
♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right ♪
♪ So happy together... ♪
(VOCALIZING)
So, the good news is
Sara has been...
taken care of.
My God, what did you do to her?
We just called her
parents, who made her
come home to North Dakota.
I'm sorry, did I make it sound ominous?
It sounded like you had her killed.
Why does everyone always
suspect me of killing women?
(LAUGHING)
Anyway, now that someone
knows where Cooper lives,
Nightmare and I have a full
plan in place to relocate him.
What? But I love living
with Jake and Claire.
Everyone else treats me like
a painting in a museum.
You know, just stop and stare,
and then if they try and touch me,
security moves them along.
I don't see why you have to move.
I mean, you have me
here to protect you.
What about installing
a security system?
Oh.
Don't you have that hookup with
that celebrity security guy?
I do, and he is the best.
My ex-wife used him and
I haven't been able
to get in my house since.
Well... well, can you
give me his number?
'Cause I just hate the
feeling of someone
breaking into our home and
rummaging through our stuff.
Hey guys, next time you go shopping,
would you get regular milk?
Almond milk kind of upsets Gerald.
Not stomach-wise, just the idea of it.
Mom, you guys can't just barge
in here whenever you want
and help yourself to our food.
Honey, do you really expect
us to drive all the way
to the grocery store for
just a couple of things?
It's not worth our time
or the potential DUI.
Why's everyone look so serious?
Oh, well, one of Cooper's
stalkers broke in.
So we're actually talking about
installing a security system.
And I'm trying to tell
them they don't need it
because they have me.
(LAUGHS)
Do you really think you're the
one to handle this... you...
The person who was beaten up by a duck?
It was a goose
and I forgot I had a
sandwich in my pocket.
GERALD: Look...
Jake, if you want to
keep your house safe,
just do what my dad taught me:
be six, five, 250.
Thank you, Gerald, but I
have my own system, okay?
Every night, I put a large
vacuum cleaner by the back door.
That way, if some joker
tries to break in,
he'll make a noise, giving me time
to put on clothes, so he
doesn't have to suffer
the indignity of getting his
ass kicked by a naked man.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah,
- Jake, your system is perfect...
- Thank you.
If we were trying to stop a
small lady or Larry King.
Now, what if our intruder
was big and tough,
like, Nightmare's size?
You couldn't take
somebody down like that.
(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)
Of course I could. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, then take down Nightmare
and prove to your whole family
why you don't need an alarm.
I mean, now... it's awkward.
You know what I mean?
I don't want... I don't want Nightmare
to feel pressured or anything.
Oh, you have my full consent.
You know, it's not fair
that he's expecting me.
That what it i... You know what I mean?
If-if this was the real deal,
I'd have the element of surprise.
Which I don't have, so...
Well, if anyone actually
dangerous breaks in,
can't we just call the police?
Uh, sure, except the
average response time
in this neighborhood is 23 minutes.
That's enough time for 400 stabs.
Good lord, how fast do people stab?
Well, picture a sewing machine on meth.
Okay. I'm sorry, Jake,
but as long as Cooper's living here,
we need to get an alarm.
No, Claire, we do not need an alarm.
Geez.
Now that that's settled,
would anybody like a coffee?
A water? Some tea? A...
surprise attack from the back?!
(YELLS)
(LAUGHS)
Your reach don't work up here. Oh...
(GRUNTS)
Uh...
yeah, we should get that alarm.
Yeah, we should.
And if you're still offering,
I'd love a coffee.
(BEEPING)
WOMAN'S VOICE: 30 seconds.
(GROANS) Stupid alarm.
All right, the code is my birthday,
Claire's birthday and
the number of women
I've slept with who aren't Claire.
23, 17, 00.
20 seconds.
Man...
Incorrect code.
(YELLS)
Ten seconds.
(RAPID BEEPING)
(BEEPING STOPS)
You... piece of crap.
It's fun, huh?
Aah!
No. I hate it, Claire.
I feel like a prisoner here.
Aw, you're just too focused
on all the negatives
and you're ignoring all the perks.
Like...
does my handsome little
number cruncher know
that this system keeps data
of everything that happens in our home?
- Daddy does love data.
- (CHUCKLES)
And it tells you stuff like
how many people come in and out.
Where we spend most of our time.
- You could make a graph.
- (CHUCKLES)
I love graphs.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Backyard motion detected.
Ooh, how did it know
what I was thinking?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, the backyard.
- Actual yard.
- Yeah, it's...
- Actual backyard.
- Oh, this is the best part.
It's my parents.
Probably coming over again
to steal more stuff.
Those dirty mother...
and father of my wife.
BONNIE: Claire, honey,
are you in there?
- Claire?
- (KNOCKS)
Honey, why's this door locked?
Let us in.
Hey, Mom, what are you guys doing here?
Don't say to steal stuff. Just be cool.
Uh, we were just stopping
by to steal stuff.
Damn it, Gerald, you put it in my head.
You ready to feel alive?
Absolutely.
Hit this button.
- (ALARM WAILS)
- (GASPS)
WOMAN'S VOICE: Intruder alert.
Notifying police.
Wait, what the hell is going on?
I'm putting the law back in son-in-law!
- (BARKING)
- Gerald, they got dogs!
Run!
(LAUGHING)
Hit 'em with the sprinklers, babe.
Oh, Jake, I think they've had enough.
No. Hit them with the sprinklers.
(ALARM WAILING)
(ALARM STOPS)
Hey, babe, I'm home.
JAKE: Hello, Clarice.
Ooh, you look like a sexy piano.
(LAUGHS)
Why don't you come over here
and, uh, Bach that ass up?
How are you seeing me right now?
(GIGGLES)
Oh, my God, you look like
the world's saddest casino boss.
Baby, baby, baby, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, wait, right there,
don't move. Stand right there.
- Enhance. Enhance. Enhance.
- Wait, are you using a camera
to zoom in on my butt?
Mm, and...
capture. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, come on, Jake. (SCOFFS)
I can do way better than that.
- CLAIRE: (GRUNTS) Yes!
- JAKE: Yes, yes! Ooh, give it to me.
Yes! Cheeks are involved.
Capture, capture.
Oh, babe, you were right, I-I
have to admit, this is, uh,
this is amazing stuff.
This system's great. Look,
there's no trespassers out back,
no sign of your parents
near our Costco supplies,
and best of all,
our little pop star is in
his room, safe and sound.
Mm.
Being closely monitored
by his accountant,
that he lives with. (CHUCKLES)
- Just as it should be.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I just feel so
powerful with this system.
I've been solving all kinds
of mysteries with this thing.
Like, you know we were
wondering why the dishwasher
wasn't cleaning our silverware?
Well, yeah, I already solved
that one, it's because it sucks,
and we should replace it.
Oh, yes.
We should replace it. You're
probably right, Claire.
Case closed. (CHUCKLES)
There is, however, one more thing.
Uh, Cooper, can you join
us in the kitchen, please?
Can you just tell me what... I'm sorry,
I can't comment on the investigation
until Cooper walks in and says,
"Hiya, guys. What's happening?"
Hiya, guys. What's happening?
Cooper,
you enjoy making peanut
butter sandwiches, don't you?
Yeah, yeah, I love to cook.
Mm, mm.
And, when you're done cooking,
what do you normally
do with said knife?
Well, I-I rinse it and put
it in the dishwasher.
Ah, rinse it...
and put it in the dishwasher.
I guess the case is closed, Claire.
You were right.
We just need a new dishwasher.
(CHUCKLES)
There is, however, one more thing.
I submit to you, exhibit A.
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT): Hello. I'm famous,
and I need to eat my
sandwich right now.
No time to rinse,
just gonna put this dirty knife
directly into the dishwasher.
You know it's offensive
when you do the accent.
JAKE: Uh,
no, it isn't.
What if I was Asian?
Oh.
The point is an innocent appliance
has been framed.
What do you have to say
for yourself, young man?
I guess I'll start rinsing my knives.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Now, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna call Bono back and keep
organizing this Syrian fundraiser.
Jake, what is going on here?
Well, since you guys don't
think I can protect us
from the monsters who
live outside the house,
I've decided to focus on the
monsters who live inside.
Okay. well that is not at
all why we got an alarm,
but I suppose it is nice to know
that we don't need to
buy a new dishwasher.
Yes, yes, it is.
And while our dishes may not be clean,
you certainly should be.
Um, what's that supposed to mean?
Mm, exhibit W,
for "water waster."
CLAIRE: What? That is just a video
of the closed bathroom door.
So you admit it?! You admit it.
You see, see, you got in the
shower at 4:42, but then look...
Enhance, enhance...
Those are your feet, right here, look.
At 4:45, 4:48, and 4:53.
Still not in the shower. Claire,
what were you doing?
You want to know what I was doing?
Oh, yes.
Me and all the fish currently dying
in the Colorado River
would love to know...
what you were doing.
(SIGHS)
I was dry brushing the dead
skin cells off my body.
(GAGS)
What?
Oh, come on, Halle Berry does it.
You don't think she's gross.
I do now.
Ugh. You know what,
I'm going for a run.
Oh, interesting.
Another, uh, three-miler,
like yesterday?
Yeah, I'll probably
just do my usual loop.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Huh.
Your usual loop, she says.
Usual loop.
That's funny, because,
according to the porch camera,
it's just you stretching for a minute,
and then 19 minutes of
you sitting on the porch
scrolling through Instagram,
while your dead cells
fall off your body.
(GAGS)
What the hell? We did not
get this alarm system
so that you could watch
and judge our every move.
We got it so we could protect Cooper.
I am protecting Cooper
from living in a house of lies!
Can you see me on the monitor?
You know I can.
Good. Then you can see this.
(GASPS)
(CRASHING)
- Wha... Oh.
- Holy crap.
Jake, what was that?
Uh, probably just Cooper
and his lady friend
breaking another headboard.
(CHUCKLES) Am I right?
Guys, did you hear that? I think
another stalker broke in.
That's impossible.
No one can get in here without
triggering the alarm.
Wait, what the hell? None
of my cameras are working.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, fun idea,
on the count of three,
let's all admit something
bad that we've done
and then immediately
forgive each other.
Okay? One, two, three.
- I turned off the alarm.
- Wait, what?
I was gonna say I stole a
bass line from Marvin Gaye,
but yours is way worse.
Claire, why would you
turn off the alarm?
Because I woke up super hungry
and I couldn't get back to sleep,
so I snuck downstairs
for some night-night cookies.
Okay, first of all, that's adorable.
Okay?
And second, you don't have to
turn off an alarm to do that.
Yes I do, otherwise you'd
spend our entire breakfast
showing me replay of how I left crumbs
all over the kitchen counter.
Why can't you just use
your iPad to watch porn,
like a regular husband?
Well, if you took the parental
locks off those sites,
maybe I would.
Guys, please focus.
Someone is downstairs.
I thought you said that your
stalkers are usually harmless.
Well, day stalkers come for underwear,
but night stalkers come for blood.
And underwear. They all like underwear.
- I'm calling the police.
- (SIGHS)
But Wayne said that the average
response time is 23 minutes.
That means this psycho
could stab us, sit down,
watch an episode of
Seinfeld, and then leave.
Jake, where are you going?
To protect my family.
(CLATTERING)
Be right back, fight club!
Gonna get my black belt of
karate out of the dryer.
I know I'm supposed to air dry it,
but I don't follow the
rules, 'cause I'm crazy!
'Cause I'm crazy.
Ooh...
(WHISPERING): There's
really someone here.
(WHIMPERING)
Element of surprise!
Aah!
I'm your new backpack now,
and I'm full of no good.
(GRUNTS)
Jake, are you okay?
COOPER: Wh... Nightmare?
What the hell are you doing here?
Wayne had asked me to guard your house.
And what? Y-You got hungry, or...
No, I saw another freaky
lady in your kitchen.
She was hunched over your sink,
just devouring food,
like that bear from The Revenant.
I don't mean to scare you,
but I think she may still be in here.
Oh, she's in here, all right.
I'm sorry I turned off the alarm, okay?
But there are certain
things that I just
don't want you to know about,
like when I eat cookies,
or how much time I
spend in the bathroom.
- Well, this week you averaged...
- Do not finish that sentence.
Yup.
Look, we've been together
for over a decade,
but I still need some
mystery in our lives.
I mean, I hate the
feeling of being watched
- every moment of my life.
- Tell me about it.
One of the reasons I've
loved living with you guys
is that I get a break
from the outside world.
Out there, everyone treats
me like a panda at the zoo,
always taking photos and way too
curious about when I have sex.
Okay, all right,
maybe I got a little carried
away with the cameras,
and the sensors, and the...
that true crime cooking show I made up,
Making a Burgerer,
but we need this system to protect you.
Do we?
I mean, look at what you just did...
You protected us from a man whose...
legal name is Nightmare Big Man.
Actually, it's pronounced
"Nit-mari Bigmin."
Really? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Well, to be fair,
all I did was tackle him
and whisper a badass line
about being a backpack.
Yeah, if I hadn't busted my ankle
on that stupid vacuum by the door,
I would have pushed your
brains out your ears.
Good heavens, Nit-mari.
CLAIRE: Did you hear that?
Your vacuum system worked.
Maybe we can get rid of the alarm.
Now, honestly, I would love that.
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
You know, uh...
turns out all the
security we need is, uh,
just me, a vacuum and, uh... (CHUCKLES)
the element of surprise! Ha-ha!
Aah! Ho-ho!
Ooh. Night-night cookies.
That must be the girl Cooper
brought home last night.
Ooh... And he must be
upstairs preparing
his customary one-night stand gift bag.
(CHUCKLES)
Hi, you must be Jake and Claire.
- I'm Sara.
- CLAIRE: Hey.
(CHUCKLES)
Is it weird to offer you pants?
Yeah, yeah, I probably
just made it weird
by asking you that. (LAUGHS)
All that to say there are pants
if you want them.
JAKE: All right, babe.
Chill out, chill out. I-I got this.
So, uh, how did you and Cooper meet?
Is this a Tinder miracle or, uh...
Or was it the old-fashioned way,
when a roadie comes up and
puts a sticker on your shirt?
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I've known Cooper for years.
In fact, I might know him
better than he knows himself.
- Oh.
- Do you want an omelet?
Ooh, girl, you trying to flirt
with me in front of my wife?
- (LAUGHS) Stop.
- Stop.
Where is Cooper, anyway?
He just looked so cute sleeping,
I didn't want to wake him.
Probably tuckered out
from all that s...
sex.
I tried to bail on it, but I couldn't
- think of another word.
- Yeah.
He really couldn't, 'cause, I mean,
his dirty talk is just
him going "Whee!"
I'll-I'll go get Cooper.
- I'll go sit down.
- Yeah.
- G'day.
- Hey. I was just
coming to get you. Uh, Sara
is making us breakfast.
Great. Who's Sara?
Cooper, if you're gonna
have sex with a girl,
you should at least know her name.
I've never seen that girl in my life.
Cooper, if you're gonna
have sex with a girl,
you should at least look at her.
No...
Claire, I swear to you, I have
no idea who that person is.
What? She says she knows you
better than you know yourself.
And she watched you sleep, and...
Oh... Oh, my God, is she a stalker?
Looks like it. I-I'll go
call my manager to help.
He's always dealing with stuff
like this. In the meantime,
don't eat anything she
cooks, and just stay calm.
- They're usually harmless.
- What...
Usually?
W-We should call the police.
Don't be such a white lady, Claire.
JAKE: Claire get in here,
Sara's killing me!
With this amazing omelet.
(EXCLAIMS)
- Mmm, mmm.
- Hon... Jake.
Jake, this girl is a stalker.
Hey,
do you have a sharper knife?
Uh...
Hey. Hell yeah, we do.
(LAUGHS)
This one in here is guaranteed
to cut through bone.
- (EXCLAIMS)
- (LAUGHS)
Ow, you're hurting me.
Jake.
Cooper does not know this woman.
- She is a stalker.
- What?
- No way.
- SARA: Yeah.
"Stalker" implies I'm
still looking for Cooper.
Now that I've found him,
I'm never gonna let him go.
Aw... (LAUGHS)
Oh, my God!
♪ Imagine me and you, I do ♪
♪ I think about you day and night ♪
♪ It's only right ♪
♪ So happy together... ♪
(VOCALIZING)
So, the good news is
Sara has been...
taken care of.
My God, what did you do to her?
We just called her
parents, who made her
come home to North Dakota.
I'm sorry, did I make it sound ominous?
It sounded like you had her killed.
Why does everyone always
suspect me of killing women?
(LAUGHING)
Anyway, now that someone
knows where Cooper lives,
Nightmare and I have a full
plan in place to relocate him.
What? But I love living
with Jake and Claire.
Everyone else treats me like
a painting in a museum.
You know, just stop and stare,
and then if they try and touch me,
security moves them along.
I don't see why you have to move.
I mean, you have me
here to protect you.
What about installing
a security system?
Oh.
Don't you have that hookup with
that celebrity security guy?
I do, and he is the best.
My ex-wife used him and
I haven't been able
to get in my house since.
Well... well, can you
give me his number?
'Cause I just hate the
feeling of someone
breaking into our home and
rummaging through our stuff.
Hey guys, next time you go shopping,
would you get regular milk?
Almond milk kind of upsets Gerald.
Not stomach-wise, just the idea of it.
Mom, you guys can't just barge
in here whenever you want
and help yourself to our food.
Honey, do you really expect
us to drive all the way
to the grocery store for
just a couple of things?
It's not worth our time
or the potential DUI.
Why's everyone look so serious?
Oh, well, one of Cooper's
stalkers broke in.
So we're actually talking about
installing a security system.
And I'm trying to tell
them they don't need it
because they have me.
(LAUGHS)
Do you really think you're the
one to handle this... you...
The person who was beaten up by a duck?
It was a goose
and I forgot I had a
sandwich in my pocket.
GERALD: Look...
Jake, if you want to
keep your house safe,
just do what my dad taught me:
be six, five, 250.
Thank you, Gerald, but I
have my own system, okay?
Every night, I put a large
vacuum cleaner by the back door.
That way, if some joker
tries to break in,
he'll make a noise, giving me time
to put on clothes, so he
doesn't have to suffer
the indignity of getting his
ass kicked by a naked man.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah,
- Jake, your system is perfect...
- Thank you.
If we were trying to stop a
small lady or Larry King.
Now, what if our intruder
was big and tough,
like, Nightmare's size?
You couldn't take
somebody down like that.
(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)
Of course I could. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, then take down Nightmare
and prove to your whole family
why you don't need an alarm.
I mean, now... it's awkward.
You know what I mean?
I don't want... I don't want Nightmare
to feel pressured or anything.
Oh, you have my full consent.
You know, it's not fair
that he's expecting me.
That what it i... You know what I mean?
If-if this was the real deal,
I'd have the element of surprise.
Which I don't have, so...
Well, if anyone actually
dangerous breaks in,
can't we just call the police?
Uh, sure, except the
average response time
in this neighborhood is 23 minutes.
That's enough time for 400 stabs.
Good lord, how fast do people stab?
Well, picture a sewing machine on meth.
Okay. I'm sorry, Jake,
but as long as Cooper's living here,
we need to get an alarm.
No, Claire, we do not need an alarm.
Geez.
Now that that's settled,
would anybody like a coffee?
A water? Some tea? A...
surprise attack from the back?!
(YELLS)
(LAUGHS)
Your reach don't work up here. Oh...
(GRUNTS)
Uh...
yeah, we should get that alarm.
Yeah, we should.
And if you're still offering,
I'd love a coffee.
(BEEPING)
WOMAN'S VOICE: 30 seconds.
(GROANS) Stupid alarm.
All right, the code is my birthday,
Claire's birthday and
the number of women
I've slept with who aren't Claire.
23, 17, 00.
20 seconds.
Man...
Incorrect code.
(YELLS)
Ten seconds.
(RAPID BEEPING)
(BEEPING STOPS)
You... piece of crap.
It's fun, huh?
Aah!
No. I hate it, Claire.
I feel like a prisoner here.
Aw, you're just too focused
on all the negatives
and you're ignoring all the perks.
Like...
does my handsome little
number cruncher know
that this system keeps data
of everything that happens in our home?
- Daddy does love data.
- (CHUCKLES)
And it tells you stuff like
how many people come in and out.
Where we spend most of our time.
- You could make a graph.
- (CHUCKLES)
I love graphs.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Backyard motion detected.
Ooh, how did it know
what I was thinking?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, the backyard.
- Actual yard.
- Yeah, it's...
- Actual backyard.
- Oh, this is the best part.
It's my parents.
Probably coming over again
to steal more stuff.
Those dirty mother...
and father of my wife.
BONNIE: Claire, honey,
are you in there?
- Claire?
- (KNOCKS)
Honey, why's this door locked?
Let us in.
Hey, Mom, what are you guys doing here?
Don't say to steal stuff. Just be cool.
Uh, we were just stopping
by to steal stuff.
Damn it, Gerald, you put it in my head.
You ready to feel alive?
Absolutely.
Hit this button.
- (ALARM WAILS)
- (GASPS)
WOMAN'S VOICE: Intruder alert.
Notifying police.
Wait, what the hell is going on?
I'm putting the law back in son-in-law!
- (BARKING)
- Gerald, they got dogs!
Run!
(LAUGHING)
Hit 'em with the sprinklers, babe.
Oh, Jake, I think they've had enough.
No. Hit them with the sprinklers.
(ALARM WAILING)
(ALARM STOPS)
Hey, babe, I'm home.
JAKE: Hello, Clarice.
Ooh, you look like a sexy piano.
(LAUGHS)
Why don't you come over here
and, uh, Bach that ass up?
How are you seeing me right now?
(GIGGLES)
Oh, my God, you look like
the world's saddest casino boss.
Baby, baby, baby, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, wait, right there,
don't move. Stand right there.
- Enhance. Enhance. Enhance.
- Wait, are you using a camera
to zoom in on my butt?
Mm, and...
capture. (CHUCKLES)
Oh, come on, Jake. (SCOFFS)
I can do way better than that.
- CLAIRE: (GRUNTS) Yes!
- JAKE: Yes, yes! Ooh, give it to me.
Yes! Cheeks are involved.
Capture, capture.
Oh, babe, you were right, I-I
have to admit, this is, uh,
this is amazing stuff.
This system's great. Look,
there's no trespassers out back,
no sign of your parents
near our Costco supplies,
and best of all,
our little pop star is in
his room, safe and sound.
Mm.
Being closely monitored
by his accountant,
that he lives with. (CHUCKLES)
- Just as it should be.
- Mm-hmm.
You know, I just feel so
powerful with this system.
I've been solving all kinds
of mysteries with this thing.
Like, you know we were
wondering why the dishwasher
wasn't cleaning our silverware?
Well, yeah, I already solved
that one, it's because it sucks,
and we should replace it.
Oh, yes.
We should replace it. You're
probably right, Claire.
Case closed. (CHUCKLES)
There is, however, one more thing.
Uh, Cooper, can you join
us in the kitchen, please?
Can you just tell me what... I'm sorry,
I can't comment on the investigation
until Cooper walks in and says,
"Hiya, guys. What's happening?"
Hiya, guys. What's happening?
Cooper,
you enjoy making peanut
butter sandwiches, don't you?
Yeah, yeah, I love to cook.
Mm, mm.
And, when you're done cooking,
what do you normally
do with said knife?
Well, I-I rinse it and put
it in the dishwasher.
Ah, rinse it...
and put it in the dishwasher.
I guess the case is closed, Claire.
You were right.
We just need a new dishwasher.
(CHUCKLES)
There is, however, one more thing.
I submit to you, exhibit A.
(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT): Hello. I'm famous,
and I need to eat my
sandwich right now.
No time to rinse,
just gonna put this dirty knife
directly into the dishwasher.
You know it's offensive
when you do the accent.
JAKE: Uh,
no, it isn't.
What if I was Asian?
Oh.
The point is an innocent appliance
has been framed.
What do you have to say
for yourself, young man?
I guess I'll start rinsing my knives.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Now, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna call Bono back and keep
organizing this Syrian fundraiser.
Jake, what is going on here?
Well, since you guys don't
think I can protect us
from the monsters who
live outside the house,
I've decided to focus on the
monsters who live inside.
Okay. well that is not at
all why we got an alarm,
but I suppose it is nice to know
that we don't need to
buy a new dishwasher.
Yes, yes, it is.
And while our dishes may not be clean,
you certainly should be.
Um, what's that supposed to mean?
Mm, exhibit W,
for "water waster."
CLAIRE: What? That is just a video
of the closed bathroom door.
So you admit it?! You admit it.
You see, see, you got in the
shower at 4:42, but then look...
Enhance, enhance...
Those are your feet, right here, look.
At 4:45, 4:48, and 4:53.
Still not in the shower. Claire,
what were you doing?
You want to know what I was doing?
Oh, yes.
Me and all the fish currently dying
in the Colorado River
would love to know...
what you were doing.
(SIGHS)
I was dry brushing the dead
skin cells off my body.
(GAGS)
What?
Oh, come on, Halle Berry does it.
You don't think she's gross.
I do now.
Ugh. You know what,
I'm going for a run.
Oh, interesting.
Another, uh, three-miler,
like yesterday?
Yeah, I'll probably
just do my usual loop.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Huh.
Your usual loop, she says.
Usual loop.
That's funny, because,
according to the porch camera,
it's just you stretching for a minute,
and then 19 minutes of
you sitting on the porch
scrolling through Instagram,
while your dead cells
fall off your body.
(GAGS)
What the hell? We did not
get this alarm system
so that you could watch
and judge our every move.
We got it so we could protect Cooper.
I am protecting Cooper
from living in a house of lies!
Can you see me on the monitor?
You know I can.
Good. Then you can see this.
(GASPS)
(CRASHING)
- Wha... Oh.
- Holy crap.
Jake, what was that?
Uh, probably just Cooper
and his lady friend
breaking another headboard.
(CHUCKLES) Am I right?
Guys, did you hear that? I think
another stalker broke in.
That's impossible.
No one can get in here without
triggering the alarm.
Wait, what the hell? None
of my cameras are working.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, fun idea,
on the count of three,
let's all admit something
bad that we've done
and then immediately
forgive each other.
Okay? One, two, three.
- I turned off the alarm.
- Wait, what?
I was gonna say I stole a
bass line from Marvin Gaye,
but yours is way worse.
Claire, why would you
turn off the alarm?
Because I woke up super hungry
and I couldn't get back to sleep,
so I snuck downstairs
for some night-night cookies.
Okay, first of all, that's adorable.
Okay?
And second, you don't have to
turn off an alarm to do that.
Yes I do, otherwise you'd
spend our entire breakfast
showing me replay of how I left crumbs
all over the kitchen counter.
Why can't you just use
your iPad to watch porn,
like a regular husband?
Well, if you took the parental
locks off those sites,
maybe I would.
Guys, please focus.
Someone is downstairs.
I thought you said that your
stalkers are usually harmless.
Well, day stalkers come for underwear,
but night stalkers come for blood.
And underwear. They all like underwear.
- I'm calling the police.
- (SIGHS)
But Wayne said that the average
response time is 23 minutes.
That means this psycho
could stab us, sit down,
watch an episode of
Seinfeld, and then leave.
Jake, where are you going?
To protect my family.
(CLATTERING)
Be right back, fight club!
Gonna get my black belt of
karate out of the dryer.
I know I'm supposed to air dry it,
but I don't follow the
rules, 'cause I'm crazy!
'Cause I'm crazy.
Ooh...
(WHISPERING): There's
really someone here.
(WHIMPERING)
Element of surprise!
Aah!
I'm your new backpack now,
and I'm full of no good.
(GRUNTS)
Jake, are you okay?
COOPER: Wh... Nightmare?
What the hell are you doing here?
Wayne had asked me to guard your house.
And what? Y-You got hungry, or...
No, I saw another freaky
lady in your kitchen.
She was hunched over your sink,
just devouring food,
like that bear from The Revenant.
I don't mean to scare you,
but I think she may still be in here.
Oh, she's in here, all right.
I'm sorry I turned off the alarm, okay?
But there are certain
things that I just
don't want you to know about,
like when I eat cookies,
or how much time I
spend in the bathroom.
- Well, this week you averaged...
- Do not finish that sentence.
Yup.
Look, we've been together
for over a decade,
but I still need some
mystery in our lives.
I mean, I hate the
feeling of being watched
- every moment of my life.
- Tell me about it.
One of the reasons I've
loved living with you guys
is that I get a break
from the outside world.
Out there, everyone treats
me like a panda at the zoo,
always taking photos and way too
curious about when I have sex.
Okay, all right,
maybe I got a little carried
away with the cameras,
and the sensors, and the...
that true crime cooking show I made up,
Making a Burgerer,
but we need this system to protect you.
Do we?
I mean, look at what you just did...
You protected us from a man whose...
legal name is Nightmare Big Man.
Actually, it's pronounced
"Nit-mari Bigmin."
Really? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Well, to be fair,
all I did was tackle him
and whisper a badass line
about being a backpack.
Yeah, if I hadn't busted my ankle
on that stupid vacuum by the door,
I would have pushed your
brains out your ears.
Good heavens, Nit-mari.
CLAIRE: Did you hear that?
Your vacuum system worked.
Maybe we can get rid of the alarm.
Now, honestly, I would love that.
Yeah. Maybe you're right.
You know, uh...
turns out all the
security we need is, uh,
just me, a vacuum and, uh... (CHUCKLES)
the element of surprise! Ha-ha!
Aah! Ho-ho!
Ooh. Night-night cookies.