Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 2, Episode 16 - Cocktails & Dreams - full transcript

So I know everybody is wondering
why I'm not drinking.

We haven't ordered yet.

And it's 2 in the afternoon not in a
specially noteable time to not drink.

What can I get you guys?

***

Table keg.

I'm good with water, thank you.

So I just started
this super cleanse.

That I read about
on Teri hatcher's tumblr.

Apparently sugar is as addictive
in animals as cocaine.

Wow, we really are losing
the war on drugs.



If animals are blowin' rails.

Anyways, t-hatch says
you have to give up all sugars,

So, sadly, no alcohol.

Pen, not to be rude,
but I don't think.

You're gonna last even
a half-hour.

On this thing,
you stupid idiot.

Such a stupid idiot.

Yuk, yuk, yuk it up,
because my body is a temple.

And your bodies are
stadium urine troughs.

mnh.

Ah, water.
The wettest treat.

Hey.
My body is a temple, too.

Here's your table keg.

Damn it. I'm in.



Yay! I can't do anything alone.

Hey, what up, busters?

Whoa!
Oh.

Is that...

Could it be...

You look a little like a
friend we once had. Mm.

What was his name, uh...
What was his name?

What was his name? Mornk?

Mornk.

Huh.
It was mornk.

We have not seen mornk
in a while,

Since he got
that serious boyfriend.

And settled down.

Grant is not
my serious boyfriend,

And we are not "settling down,"
okay?

We're just two dudes
that party hard.

And sometimes pass out
in the same general vicinity.

Then where's grant now?
He's parking the car.

He dropped me off
'cause we're sharing.

This cute
toggle-button coat.

- Crap. Damn it!
- aw!

Okay, well,
are you at least gonna come.

To Dave's thing tonight?
Oh, yeah.

I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

What thing are we
talking about?

Dave got
his mobile liquor license,

And he's turning his truck
into a speakeasy.

And serving old-fashioned
cocktails!

what?

But seriously, though, Dave has
a lot of stupid ideas. Mm.

I call it "the boxer thong"...
business in the front...

Party in your rear.

Guys, I'm changing my name
to Dustin.

Alex, will you marry me?

I just hope Dave doesn't get.

Too depressed tonight
when he crashes and burns again.

Guys, can you believe this?

No, we can't.

Whore's bath?

Uh, yeah, David, I did take
a whore's bath, okay?

I had a one-night stand,

And I didn't have time
to shower,

So did I rub some dryer sheets
on my pits.

And splash some water
on my hush.

- In the bathroom of an...
- au bon pain?

yes, I did.

I'm sorry that
I'm a modern-day single woman.

Who enjoys sex as much
as a man. Sue me.

I meant the drink,
"whore's bath."

It's gin-based.

Oh!

No, thank you.
I am on a cleanse.

I haven't had sugar
in four days.

Well, that probably explains.

The Sandra bernhard
one-woman show.

You just screamed in our faces.

A round of whore's baths.

yeah!

Hey, thanks for staying back.

And helping me
clean, j-spot.

Drunk Jane loves
a good cleaning.

You should have seen me
on new year's.

I was fall-down mopping.

I know. I was there.

Yeah. Excuse... oh.
Oh.

All right.
I'm just gonna get...

I'll just get at this glass.
There's a spot that...

Hi.

Hi.

ohh!

Bitch, it is 5:30!

Wait a second.

Hmm?

Who'd you have
a sex dream about?

- what?
- I did not have a s...

A who dream? A sex...

I... Pfft. I did not have one
of them damn things.

I think I know.

Your "wake up from a dream"
gasps by now, all right?

There's the...

"oh, it's the last day
of school,

And I wish there were
more days of school."

- Mm. Then there's the...
- "ohh!"

"I'm being chased by an outfit
that's too matchy matchy." ohh.

- And then finally...
- "ohh!"

Sex dream.

Fine. It was Dave.

okay.

It doesn't mean anything.

Fact... you can't have
a sex dream about someone.

Unless, deep down inside,
you're attracted to that person.

Um, didn't you have
a sex dream about

Fran sinclair, the mom dinosaur
on the TV show "dinosaurs"?

exactly.

Okay.

Hey, Dave.

Hey, man. What's going on?

Depends who's asking.

I am. Where's Jane?

Why do you want to know?

Whoa. G-guy, come on.
What...

is that smell?

It's my busch.

It's the new fragrance
by Kyle busch.

Smells great.

Thanks.

Hey, man.

No!

bitch, it is 5:40.

Hey, Al.
What are you doing?

I'm taking this cleanse
to the next level.

Sugar's obvious,

But there are
so many other poisons.

That we have been ingesting
over the years...

Gluten, corn syrup,
this poison.

Have you been eating that?

One time by mistake.

I thought
it was my pirate cereal.

They do look
alarmingly similar.

One day off of sugar,
and I already feel great.

Watch how high I can jump.

wow.

Nice ups.

well, the
cleanse is making me feel.

Pretty great me-self.

Hey, pen. What you up to?

Nothin'. Just getting
a breath of fresh.

Are you sure
you're okay, penny?

What? Yeah. Fine.
Why do you ask?

'Cause you're wearing
pajama jeans,

Pedicure flip-flops,

And you're on the verge
of tears.

I will have you know.

That these are not
pajama jeans.

These... Are pajoveralls.

They make those?

Max, why are you trying
to sneak out?

We're dating.
Why are you naked?

I think you know
why I'm naked, bud.

Come have some coffee.
I made a frittata.

I don't want
to settle down, grant!

This isn't settling down, Max.

This is breakfast.

Then what is a frittata?

It's kinda like an egg pizza.

Pizza, you say?

Mm-hmm.

Color me intrigued.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Oh, my God.
Dave is so hot right now.

What?
Dave's not hot at all.

Not sexy in any way. Gross.

Ew.
Ugh.

Blech!

I mean "hot" as in successful.
He's getting tons of press.

Oh.
Oh.

You guys are being
really weird.

Jane, give me another smell
of your sandwich.

Come here.

- Oh, that's the ticket.
- hey, Brad. Be a dear.

Chew up a bite of your sandwich
and blow it into my mouth.

Uh, pen, I think this cleanse is
making you a little cr... okay, fine.

- If you won't shut up about it!
- mmm! Mmm.

You know what?
You happy now, dad, okay?

You want me to drink
some booze, too?

Is that what you want, miss?
Mmm!

You know what?
Tough love, both of you.

Respect the hell
out of you guys.

Please don't tell Alex.

Please.

Guys, it's all happening.
I am a hit.

Okay, don't look,
but Colin Hanks is here.

Shaun Brumder
from the movie "orange county"

Is at my truck!
It's happening!

Aah!
You don't get to touch me.

Ohh. What? Oh!

Gotta buzz.
Colin's runnin' on empty.

Oh, I hope I don't call him
"tom" by mistake.

Wish me luck.

good luck.

What is going on with you two?

We have to tell her.

Ohh. I agree. Penny, this isn't
easy for us to say,

But... I'm not actually black.
This is just a giant mole.

- Okay, no.
- we had sex dreams about Dave.

he's like our brother. Gross.

You don't even know how gross.

It was probably just
a weird onetime thing,

And now that we've said it,
it'll never happen again.

ohh! Ohh.

Aah!

Aah.

Hmm.

Babe. No sleeping.

It's not safe.
Yeah.

Wake yourself up.

Oh, my God, you guys.

I had a sex dream
about Dave last night.

so did we,

And it was even more graphic
this time.

He made me keep my heels on.

Mine was like that scene
in "varsity blues,"

But instead of winning
the district championship,

Dave had sex
with me repeatedly.

How is that
like "varsity blues"?

Jon Voight was coaching us.

I don't want your life.

Well, mine was
disgustingly graphic, too.

Dave!

Penny.

Will you marry me?
Oh, David, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.
A million times, yes!

ohh!

Ugh. Just filthy...

And not at all revealing
of my subconscious desires.

do you guys realize
what's happening?

What?

Dave is Freddy-kruegering us
in our dreams...

with sex.

Yo, guys.

aah!

What do you think
of this sweater?

It's from Colin Hanks'
new clothing line.

Anyway, I might invest.

- It's great.
- really nice.

Stop undressing you
with my eyes.

Why are you guys acting
so weird?

we're not.
I have no idea what you're talking about.

I think I know
what this is about.

You do?
Yeah, you guys think that.

Just 'cause
I'm on this crazy rocket ride.

That I'm gonna forget you.

Well, I'm not, even when
I'm invited to awesome parties.

Thrown by, like, Scott Storch.

Or the guy that started
American apparel.

Ew. What?

Yeah. yeah.

Right, guys? That... that's
exactly why we're acting weird.

you nailed me... it. It.

Look, guys, come on.

Why don't you swing
by the truck tonight?

We're having
a little b-day soiree for Colin.

I'll toss you up on the list.
Come on. Group hug.

- okay, no. That's all right.
- mnh. No.

Gotta go. Bye-ee.
I gotta go.

bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Bye-ee. Bye-ee. Bye.
Ohh.

I'll catch up with you guys
tonight. Bye-ee.

Oh, food,
how I have missed you.

Mmm.

hey!

pen, you home?

I
found out some more stuff.

We can stop eating.

Oh, and I signed us up.

For a mini triathlon,
so if anyone asks,

We're dwarves.

Penny?

penny?

penny?

Oh, hello, Alexandra.

- hello, Penelope.
- how's it goin'?

Great. Healthy.

A little exhausted
from not wavering.

From our cleanse at all ever,
but you know that game.

Whew!

- I am exhausted.
- Gonna nap out.

peace!

Ah. No worries.

Hey.

Can I borrow
that sweater I love?

Oh, that sweater?

Yeah.
That's... oh, no.

You know,
that is at the cleaners,

The one that exploded, so...

♪ got to get new cleaners ♪.

Oh, okay.
♪ night-night ♪.

Wait a minute.

I think I saw it
under the bed.

hang on.

If you don't mind...

Penny, you are so busted!

I knew you had
my my morning jacket jacket.

you devil.

Oh, guilty. Lock me up.

Devil.
You live and you learn,

And that's a lot
for you to think about.

While you leave my room.

Penny, are you sure you're
feeling okay?

You look a little flushed.

Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just, uh, you know,

It's hot in this piece.

Well, turn the fan on, dummy.

I'm not proud of that.

Well, my life is in shambles.

Whoa, whoa.
Max, hold your horses.

Why? Because there's syrup
all over the floor,

And those look nice.

Thanks. Grant won 'em
for me at six flags.

As part of our marathon day
of togetherness,

Which also included.

A wine tasting
at my cousin vino's,

His-and-his massages,
and some light cowguying.

I mean, it was, like, the most
relationshipy day ever,

And the worst
and weirdest part...

I loved it.

Max, it's okay.

Look, why don't you just
stop fighting it.

And start enjoying yourself?

You said the same thing
about "Krippendorf's tribe,"

And now it is one
of my favorite movies.

Ooh! Floor bacon.

Oh, you know what?
It's just a loose moccasin.

Hello, filthies.
Look who I ran into.

At my new favorite vegan eatery,
cafe thankful.

Avi.

Namaste, penny.

Turns out,
we're both into cleanses.

My cleanse is pretty next-level.
I'm only eating clear foods,

And I've given up
all sexual intimacies.

That's right, y'all.
Avi's celibate!

Are you sure that's
a choice, avi?

Good dig, but jealousy is not
a sweatpant that fits you well.

burn!

Oh, yeah!

Oh. Please don't touch me.

I'll explode like
a water bottle.

On a cross-country flight
to Albuquerque.

Where's that flight from?
J.F.K.

Get out of my bedroom.

Um, Max, do you want to talk
about something?

Yeah. Yeah, I think we need
to talk about something.

You're a great guy.
I love staying in with you.

Like, I love it a lot,
and I just... I don't know.

I wanted to tell you.

Thanks. I-I like it, too.

And this is weird to say,

But I could maybe see us
having some kind of future.

And moving in together
down the line.

Into some cool place like
a converted brewery.

That's still a working brewery
and...

I don't know,
doing something dumb.

Like getting married and having.

A couple dumb kids.

I could picture that, too.

Uh, except the, um...
The kids part.

I-I don't want kids.

Oh. You don't?

Uh, no. It's just not
my thing, you know?

You... Want kids?

I mean...

I don't know.

This morning,
I didn't want frittatas.

Now if you told me
I could never have one again,

I'd kill you in cold blood,
assassin-style.

I didn't realize that
maybe you wanted kids someday.

Maybe I want kids someday.

"Maybe I want kids someday"?

Maybe I do want kids someday.

"Maybe I want kids someday"?

I definitely want frittatas.
Where are your frittatas at?

Max, it's...
it's a leather couch.

Oh, you got it
at crate and barrel 2.

So you're all having
sex dreams about Dave?

I mean, he's like our brother.

You had sex with him on and off
for a good ten years.

Fair point.

Well, good luck with all of that.

Is that din-din?
Yeah.

Ever since she started rolling
with Avi's crew,

All she eats is pills
and powders.

Sounds like my Vegas diet.

So if I take Tuesday
before Monday,

I will die instantly,

But if I take Tuesday
on Monday with Thursday,

I could probably dunk on 10.

Has penny told you about
my jumping?

I told 'em you were losin' it.

Penny, judgments are
the gluten of thoughts.

I'm going to hang out
with Avi's crew. He gets me.

How is she the only one not
having sex dreams about Dave?

Yeah. It's like, what is
she doing different than us?

the cleanse. No booze.

This all started
with Dave's drinks.

you're right,

Because I didn't have
a dream at first,

But then I gave up the cleanse,
and then I had one immediately.

Yes! thank God!

Whoo!

It's the drinks, guys.

- It's just the drinks.
- oh, man.

I mean,
I had no doubt whatsoever,

But still, I mean...

whoo!

Ahem. Um...
Hey, um...

Oh! Right. Oh.

- These drinks?
- yeah.

I got it.
Yep.

I got it.
That... that one.

Okay, this is all...
Well... yeah.

Too weird...
Yes.

Too weird.
So let's just get out of here.

Yeah, let's just go.
Let's get out of here.

Right on that.
Maybe put that back.

Maybe you want to put the drink where...
well, I mean... Just a little bit.

Okeydokey.

Colin, you're gonna love
my entourage, man.

By the way, I'm kinda
the Shaun Brumder.

Of my group, so...
Nice.

Wait. What?

Wow. They left?

Dave, listen to me.

There are two things
I always say.

One, "yes, that Hanks."

And second,

"fame doesn't really
change you.

It changes your friends."

You're so right, Hanks.

go and brush your shoulders off.

You got new friends now,
like me and my intern beans.

Yo, man. I'm beans.

Hey.
Hey.

Do you have any cocaine?
Psst.

Please.

Mm.

I don't know, pen.
I'm in a real pickle.

What, your super hot boyfriend
loves you too much...

And wants to get married
and have hella babies?

Yeah, everything except
the babies part.

Grant doesn't want kids.

That's perfect.

You hate kids.

Well, I don't know.

Wha...

I said, "wha... "

Look, pen, you know me.
I mean, we've made love.

Ew. Ugh.

I think you mean
ugh-mazing.

Anyway, there are two types
of guys in this world...

One guy who makes
a detailed calendar.

Of everything they're gonna do.

For the next five years
of their life,

And then the other guy,

Who draws weird penises
on said calendar.

Just to piss calendar guy off.

What are you saying?
I don't know. I just...

I know it freaks me out
that grant knows for sure.

That he doesn't want kids.

Or that he knows for sure
what he's gonna do.

With his future at all.

So what are you gonna do?

Uh, we had a long talk
last night.

For, like, five hours,
and he's going away to do.

Some architecturing
for a month,

So I just suggested
that we take a break.

Till we figure things out.

Wow. Max, suggesting
that you take a break.

Because you want
different things...

that
is so grown-up of you.

Mnh.

Proud of you.

Oh, shut up, pennis!

No, it's not.
Would a grown-up do this?

Ugh. No.

Oh. They want you to put
that away.

Okay, people. It is time to take
our cleanse to the next level.

Tonight we eliminate
all colored beverages...

And all solid foods...

But first we orgy
till we cramp!

Wait. what?

Oh, God. Ooh.
You know, I got a thing.

Ugh.
Ohh.

So, Max, where's
your serious boyfriend?

Oh, you know what?
Um... Ugh.

We... we kinda broke up.

- what?
- What? Come on, man.

Yeah. You know, um...

Say it ain't so.

Actually, it's, uh...
There... there...

Funny st...
it's a funny story.

You know, there are two...
two types of... of guys.

In this world.

There are...
Okay, so...

grant, uh, told Max.

That he wanted to have kids
and settle down,

So Max drop-kicked his dinner.

And then said,
"I gotta feed the meter,"

And never came back.

classic Max.

Classic me.

We love that guy.
Right? He's the best.

Oh.

You guys still hang out here.
That's strange and interesting.

Well, I guess
since we're all here,

Uh, I just wanted to say,
no hard feelings.

About you guys ditching out
on me the other night.

I've been having a great time
hanging with Colin.

Hanks.

Yep.
Yeah, we know.

Everyone knows his last name.
We're aware.

You know, he said
the funniest thing to me.

About my rocket ride.

He said, "David,
fame does not change you."

It changes your friends."
oh, my God.

Dave, we've been having
sex dreams about you.

And you are not
a gentleman in them.

Mnh-mnh.
Wait a minute.

You guys have been having
those disgusting dreams, too?

Yes.
Yes.

Really?

You guys have been having
sex dreams about me?

I guess that makes sense.
I do exude a bit of a raw, un...

Oh, dude. We are not
attracted to you.

You are like
a gross brother to us.

You're like a man to me,
which I am not into.

I am extremely into men,

But strictly ones that
are not at all you.

All right. Okay. I get it.

The only reason
we had those dreams.

Is because of the drinks
on your truck.

That's why Alex is the only one
who didn't have one.

What is in those things?

That's ridiculous. Turpentine.

Anyway, you guys aren't
really mad about.

This rocket ride thing, right?

No. We're mad
you keep saying "rocket ride,"

But we're thrilled
for your success.

I know. I'm sorry.

Hey, hang out with Colin
anytime you want.

You know we love you.
Always.

Thanks.
I really missed you guys,

Plus Colin Hanks...

He's a lot to handle.

So it's me, Justin Hoffman,
and Frank Caliendo,

And we're down in Tucson

'cause we're starring in
the new "hangover" video game,

And Caliendo goes to order
the spicy tuna crispy rice,

And bang!

He falls right into the jacooz.

Classic Caliendo.

Ah.

True dat.
Ah.

Oh, God.
Ohh.

- oh, wow.
- Ugh.

He wants me
to move to Tampa with him.

Dave? Are you here?

Hello?

Hi.

Hey, Buster.
Where is everybody?

Oh, funny you should ask.

Turns out, I may have been
a fad after all.

Check it out.

Ew. Roof.

Aw, don't worry about it.
I still want to try.

One of those drinks
everyone's talking about.

- Or... Used to be talking about.
- yeah.

well, aren't you afraid.

You might have
a sex dream about me?

Eh... I think I'll be fine.

All right.

There's yours.
Yes.

More importantly, here is mine.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy.

That's a 95-proof drink.

Whew! I haven't had a drink
in weeks. Hit me again.

all right.

It's your funeral.

Ohh. Come on.

- hey! I'm sorry.
- Ohh!

I said I was sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

get... oh. Oh.

Mm.
Mm. Mm.

Ohh. Thank God.

It was just a dream.

oh, boy.