Happy Endings (2011–2013): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Girl with the David Tattoo - full transcript
Alex and Dave's his-and-hers tattoos come back to haunt them.
I'll have the club sandwich--
two pieces of bread, avocado
sliced thin, no tomato. Check.
Uh, you're not gonna write any
of this down? I don't need to.
I remember every order
with a handy mnemonic Device
Using state Capitals
and Tobey Maguire movies.
Or you could just write it down.
And... it's locked in. It is not locked in.
We gotta stop sitting in Randy's section.
He always gets our order wrong
because he never writes anything down.
You know, he'd probably get your food right
If you didn't order like a girl
from long island. Oh, my god.
Okay, just please don't
complain, 'cause we know
what happens in the kitchen
when they don't like a
customer. Do you really
think they spit in your food?
No, I think my Cable guy has seen me naked.
Iknowthey spit in our
food. Not me. I was
the best waitress. It's
all about the up-sell.
It's like, "oh, no,
you don't want another plate
of maui wowie chicken bites?"
How about now, table
of divorced dads? Damn.
You telling your maui wowie Chicken
bites story? I need to get new stories.
Hey, Max. That guy you were
talking to was supercute.
Give me dets. Come on. I don't know. I
wasn't paying attention.
I was too busy making
up a song in my head about
why Mac and cheese are best
friends. Hey,
Max, it was great to meet you.
Look, I've gotta run, but do
you want to go out sometime?
Uh, sure. Great. All right. Well,
how about Friday? That's my number.
Okay. Great. I'll give
you a call. Later, Adrian.
Ooh! Yeah, girl!
Black, british, and gay? Fabulous. Yeah.
That guy walks into a bar,
it's London britches falling down.
Guys, what is this,
"sex and the city," season two?
Oh! La, La,
La, la, la! Have it on dvr.
Wait a minute. You're not gonna
call that guy? Are you nuts?
Come on. He sucks. I can tell.
Max, why do you always do this?
Why do you always blow a guy off before
you get to know them? I don't do that!
This thing is sweet. I
always wanted a muscle car.
Yeah, I know, right?
I love to just throw the top
down and Blast Dave Matthews.
Yep.
It's a slippery slope, all right?
You let one guy in that
likes the Dave Matthews band,
the next thing you know,
you're playing Frisbee
Golf and taking it
really seriously. Okay,
here is your club soda
and tomatoes on the side, just
like you ordered. Tomatoes?
Ooh. Uh... okay. Uh, guys, I--tomato--I
just... I've got tomato...
it's okay. He's got
a thing with tomatoes.
Give me the tomatoes.
I can't even... I mean...
so he'll vomit? No, if he
throws up, I will. It's...
I'm good. I'm good.
Guys... see... Max. Honey.
Let me just--I think
I'll take it to my--I
don't want 'em. Max. Max.
Max, give m--All right.
♪♪♪
What was your problem with Adrian?
That guy was incredibly
Hot and perfect.
What's the big deal?
He has a british accent?
I could have a british accent.
"Meet me at the palace
for high tea, mon."
Okay,
I have no idea what that was.
Seriously, what could he have
possibly said in Five minutes
that made you not want to go out with
him? He was kinda terrible.
He kept going on and on about
the bears. You love the bears.
Yeah, but he was one of those "we" guys.
Like,"we need play Better defence."
"Weneed to stick our blocks."
It's like, you're not
on the team.
Oh, Max. I used to be just like you.
I used to look for any
excuse not to like a guy,
so that I could reject him
before he rejected me. Was
that before or after you
slept with every guy you met?
Ooh! La, La, La, la, la!
Let me know when you're done. Brad was the
only guy that I didn't prejudge instantly,
and thank god. Aw, that's my boo.
I'm okay with Sloppy 22nds. I
mean, sure, I could've bailed
when I saw his collection
of Paula Abdul singles,
or when I learned that he tucks his
pyjama shirt in. Okay, let's wrap this up.
It doesn't matter. I threw away
his number. Oh. Well...
Okay, did you keep this because
you think we really have a shot,
or because you're
an obsessive-compulsive
whack job? Mm... 80/20.
I just think you should
give him a chance.
Go out on one date with him.
He may not be as bad as you think he is.
All right. Fine. I'll
go on a date with him,
but the second he tucks
his pajamas in, I'm out of
there. I don't understand
why a brother can't look nice
when he goes to bed. Is that a crime?
Oh, Sara.
Ohh. "Alex"?
No, it's... it's Dave.
No, I know.
Oh! I get it. You wanna
do some role-playing.
No, you have a tattoo on
your back that says "Alex."
Oh, my "Alex" tattoo is for...
Alex trebek?
I know, but it was better
than my last excuse.
Alex... ander Hamilton.
He wrote most of the federalist papers?
That is so crazy. I know. I thought
most of the federalist Papers
were written by James Madison.
Impressive, right, boo?
Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
I was picturing
that Adrian guy naked. So was I.
Hello. Hey, al. You know,
Dave was just telling us
about how his "Alex" tattoo
is totally killing his game.
Oh. Is it? Big game? No,
not big game. Not bison.
Just the occasional deer or
two. Maybe a gnu.
How about you?
Is your "Dave" tattoo messing up your game?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's why
I got it removed. You did?
Yeah, I just thought
it was time to move on.
Plus, I got tired of saying
I was a super Dave Osborne
fan. What?! how could you get
tired of telling people you're
a super Dave Osborne fan? Well,
maybe I should get mine removed, too.
Maybe you should. Well, maybe I will.
Maybe
you should. Maybe I will.
okay. I'm just trying
to clear something up in my head
as I go over it again.Are you a
super Dave Osborne fan, or are
you tired of telling people you're a
super Dave Osborne Fan? Why do you do this?
There we go. Enjoy. Thank you.
Is any of it right? It's on a plate.
Well, mine looks fine.
Penn, stop defending him.
You told him you're allergic to nuts,
and your salad's all pecan-crusted.
It's okay. I'm
just gonna eat around it, so...
Oh, my god. my throat's closing.
Okay. This has gotta stop.
Hey! No, no.
Okay, look, please. It's
really hard to be a waiter.
Just... Penn, he needs to hear
some constructive criticism.
I know, but... it'll make
him better at his job.
He'll thank me for it in the
long run. Dude! What's up?
Randy, you gotta start
writing stuff down, man.
I didn't order pie. Penny almost died.
Feel like you should be flipping those.
Yeah, he always gets my order Wrong, too.
Randy, are you getting more complaints?
No, it's just, I have this
mnemonic device that I'm using--
I told you this can't
happen again, all right?
Hit the road. You're fired. What?
You're fired! Oh, thanks a lot,
man! Oh, and this... it's locked in.
But I... you said...
Oh, so now y'all don't know nobody?
For real? That's what's hot in the streets?
So how hammered were you
when you got this thing?
Let's just say there was
a lot of hair-holding.
Hold my hair. Hold my
hair. Okay. I got it. Oh, jeez.
Go, bears!
Go, bears!
Go, bears! Whoa!
Sounds like a lot of fun.
What do you say we blast
this bitch's name off, huh?
Oh. Whoa. No, no. It's--it's not like that.
We're actually still
friends. Oh. One of those.
Sounds like you have some unresolved
feelings going on. No, no. It's just that--
when did you break up?
About four months ago.
Four months ago. Uh-huh. I'm sorry.
Why are you writing that down?
This has nothing to do with--
in my experience, if someone
is truly over someone else,
they get those taken off right away.
Well, I've been really busy, you know,
buying V-neck T-shirts,
wearing V-neck T-shirts.
It pretty much usurped most of my time.
Exactly. There are two
things you need to understand.
One, I do not validate, and
two, you shouldn't get this done
until you have all your
feelings worked out.
You really need to understand,
tattoo removal is permanent.
Once you have a tattoo taken
off, you cannot put it back on.
Really? 'cause I feel like I could just--
uh, shh, shh, shh. Just...
think about what I said, okay?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have
to go remove a face pentagram
from a woman who's running for
city council. She's got my vote.
Boom! Triple 20! I win again, Clyde!
I don't care that you don't remember
where you are.
Oh. Oh. Don't go anywhere, okay?
Hello?
Hey, it's Jane.
How's your
date going with the brit boy?
Oh, it's awesome. I know, Adrian.
Chelsea handlerhasforgotten
how to keep it real.
We're really hitting it off.
Oh,
I'm so glad to hear that. Mm-hmm.
That is just fantastic. Ooh-Hoo-Hoo-hoo!
Hey, you just missed Adrian.
Why aren't you on your date?
Uh... look, I wasn't into it.
Besides, I needed to
reconnect with Clyde.
So did you at least call to
cancel, or did you stand him up?
You stood him up?
Oh. It's not a big
deal. Well, what did you say
when he called to find out
where you were? He didn't call.
Well, then how do you
know he didn't standyouup?
what? You're out of your mind.
I mean, is it possible
that Max got maxed, huh?
Okay, one, I love how you
used my name as a verb.
Big part of becoming a cultural icon,
which you know is a goal of mine.
Two, you shut your whore
mouth! Ooh. Touched a nerve?
No one maxes Max.
Now Let's go grab whatever
wasp overcoat you wear.
We're gonna go down to that bar
and see that he's sitting there
like a skinny, british Loser, all like...
"Where's Max?
He broke my heart by Not showing
up." Your shirt inside out?
yep. My shirt is inside out.
Hey. Hey. I just wanted
to ask you something.
Yeah. Come on in. I was
just making myself some tea.
Do you want some? No, I'm good.
Um, let me ask you somethin'.
How soon after the whole thing
did you get your tattoo removed?
Oh, my tattoo. Excellent question.
Um, I don't know, like, a week or so. Oh.
Yeah. That was fast.
Yeah. Did you get yours taken
off? You free to be aplaya?
Don't say "playa." I regretted
it almost immediately.
So was there any scarring?
Yeah. A little. Yeah.
Do you mind if I took a look,
just to see what I'm in for?
Nah. I don't think so. I-I wasn't
trying to get you naked or anything.
No, I know. I know that's not what you
meant. Yeah, 'cause it--
it wouldn't be weird,
because we've done it,
like, a million times. Yeah,
like, a million bajillion
times, right?
Yeah. But I don't know.
Now it's weird. No, it's not.
No, it is. Yeah. Ah, it's weird.
It's not weird. It's a little weird.
Look, um, you're about to get
a really long apologize-y
text from me. Don't read it.
I just have to send it.
I'm telling you, Adrian
did not stand me up.
I'm like a chubby Chris O'Donnell,
which in Chicago is like
a regular Chris O'Donnell.
All right. Calm down. Wow, Max.
Adrian picked a place where they
make guacamole at your table.
Didn't you say that when
you come into some money,
you were gonna get one of
those ladies to come live
at your house? I don't
think that I said that.
Besides, she's using a lot of lime.
I don't
see Adrian anywhere.
Yeah. He's probably in the bathroom writing
Elliott SMITH-type Songs about me.
Excuse me. You seen a guy
named Adrian--black, british?
Oh, yeah. I know him.
We used to be roommates.
Well, at least until he got that
front office job with the bears.
That's why he was saying
"we." He's them!
He works for the bears. That is
pretty cool. Jane, it's chicago.
Everybody works for the bears. So where's
Adrian tonight? He didn't come in tonight.
He didn't? On fridays he usually
goes to the avalon theater
for good bad movie night.
A bunch of people sit around
and watch a bad movie and
make fun of it. It's ironic.
Orange whips?
Uh, no orange whips for me.
Tell me this guy doesn't
sound perfect for you.
This is why you have
to give people a chance.
He could be your Brad! Except
for British and way cooler.
Do you think my marriage is in trouble?
Come on. We're going to the avalon.
What, so you can apologize and ask him
out on a real date? No! 'cause I'm pissed!
I feel bad for getting Randy fired.
I wanna make it up to
him. At this point, I
really just think you
should leave it alone.
No, no, no. I know the perfect thing.
No. Mnh.
This is much better. Mm-hmm.
Hey!
What are you guys doing
here? Are you stalking me?
Look, man, uh, I feel bad,
so I bought this gift basket
to apologize for getting you fired.
Wait. You got fired?
I bet it was for not writing stuff
down. No, no. No, it's--no, b--
It's because I touched someone's Butt.
Why did he get fired?
Uh, he touched my Butt?
I'm tired of you not
writing stuff down!
You forgot phone messages, our anniversary,
when my birth parents came to town!
How hard is it to grab
a pencil?! say something.
Dude, she's right. Writing stuff down
only takes, like, a second. No, not that.
We're done, Randy, and in
case you forget, write it down.
Okay, B--
mm. Mm, mm, mm. I think she
just needs a second to calm down.
Yeah.
And by the way, your band sucks.
I don't know what you're
worse at, guitar Or sex!
No!
Stings a bit.
Max, what exactly is your plan here?
You're just gonna run in
There and start yelling?
I don't have a plan,
but I like your plan.
I don't have any money! Pay for my ticket!
Hi. Two, please, for Jessie Spano's boobs.
Adrian? Adrian? Huh?
Adrian? Adrian? Max?
Adrian, hey! What are you doing here?
Shh! You shush, bro.
I'm trying to have a
personal conversation
here. I'm trying to
watch the movie here,bro.
Bro, you do not want to get
into a bro-off with me, bro.
Boom! Shamed!
What do you want? I came to let you know
that even though you have an awesome job,
and you're black and
British, which is super sexy,
and you know a place to make
magic happen out of an avocado
and a pestle, doesn't give
you the right to--Oh, my god.
Is this the "I'm a dancer,
not a stripper" scene?
Awesome. Yo soy bailarina.
Yo No soy Unastripper.
In Spanish? Amazing. Ahem.
You can't stand people
up. I didn't stand you up.
Shh! Yeah?
Then how come the bartender said you
weren't there? I was waiting outside...
Oh, you were outside? Like a gentleman.
That's actually very nice.
It's super polite.
Mm. That's the kind of
guy I am. It's... it's
nothing. Look, I feel like
we got off to a Rocky start.
I said some things. You said some
things. Actually, I didn't say anything.
My point is that I'm
actually glad it worked out
the way it did. I mean,
I learned a ton about you
while I was trying to track
you down. Oh, that's nice, Max.
Do you know how else you could
have learned about me? Facebook?
No. By Turning up for our date.
Sorry, Max. I don't
date guys who play games.
Look who got served now, bro.
You shut your whore mouth, okay?
He just got his heart broken.
Yeah, this was embarrassing,
but this is embarrassing, too!
You're on a date with no one!
You're alone! Okay. Enjoy the movie.
Yeah, enjoy the movie.
Enjoy your date, huh? No,
we don't need any--no. We
don't need any more words.
No more--all right. Yep. You two
come together-- you and no one, huh?
Okay. There's no one there.
We all know there's no
one there. You'll be alone
for the rest of your life!
Know how I can tell? That stupid beard!
♪ I'm dusting, I'm dusting ♪
♪ I bought this from
a guy named Justin ♪
♪ Justin's supercute, and
he looks like my cousin ♪
♪ This song got really
super strange fast ♪
drum solo!
♪ Hi-hat ♪
so it's our anniversary,
and I know that you've
always wanted to go to Paris,
so I priced out two first-class
tickets... what?
And then I realized I'm
a waiter with $40,000
in Student loan debt, and
I got you this instead.
Oh.
That's... that's way better
than an actual trip to
Paris, right?
Louvre,shmoove. Turn it over.
Would you wanna move in with me?
Oh, my god. Yes! Yes?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Awesome, except We
gotta keep the bathroom door shut.
Those couples just creep me out.
So...
what are you having removed?
On my back I got this giant eagle
fighting a bison on top of
a skull made out of lava,
while five panthers wait
to rip apart the carcass of the loser.
You?
Uh... it's a Hawk...
eating Abe Lincoln's
brains out of his top hat,
wrapped in a...
hey, al! What are you doing here?
Sweet.
Al, you've still got the
tattoo. Why'd you lie?
Come here. I don't know.
You know, it just--it really
hurt to think it was so easy
for you to get rid of it.
I mean, it's been months,
and I still can't bring
myself to do it. Okay, well,
if we're gonna be completely
honest, I didn't bail
on getting mine off just
because of the scars and stuff.
But it's time, right?
Yeah. So then Let's do it together.
Look, if we are gonna face lasers,
we're gonna need some help. A little
tail of the dog? It's hair of the dog.
What do I care? I'm a cat
person. I'm a cat person, too.
Dr. Forest, Dial 182, please.
Whew.
Ah. Ohh. Do you remember the
last time we drank that stuff?
I only remember the morning after.
Ooh.
Aah.
Oh, my head.
Jager!
Oh, god. The last thing I remember...
ohh. Is doing
body shots off your stomach.
That was not me. That was the bartender.
He was a nice man. Mm-hmm.
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Hmm.
Mm.
Why is my shoulder so sore?
Hmm?
Oh. Maybe it has
something to do with that.
Aah! I got a tattoo!
ohh.
I think it's kinda sweet, you know? Ohh.
It's kinda like...
even when I'm not with you,
I still will be, you know?
Ow.
Oh, hell, no!
Oh! You got a "Dave" tattoo on your hip!
No! My name on your beautiful body!
Ohh! I look like an extra
on "oz." You really don't.
Are we really that couple
that has matching tattoos?
I think it's-- it's cute, you know?
It'll be, uh, a great story
we can tell our children.
I love you.
I love you, too.
That was a fun morning.
Easy.
whew. Ooh.
Do you think we made a mistake?
Yeah. Yeah, we made a huge mistake.
Ohh.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts!
Ow! That hurts! That hurts!
So Randy's ex says she hasn't
seen him since they broke up.
You know what? He's probably
fine. Or living in his car.
Yeah, or a shoe...
or a ranch, breeding
baby unicorns. Or his car.
No, seriously. He's living in his car.
Ohh.
Hey, fella.
Hi. Whatcha doin' in there?
First you get me fired. Then you
get me kicked out of my house.
Now I can't even sleep in
my own car. Hi. How are you?
Hi. So things are good?
Oh, great. Uh, no house, no girlfriend.
My band just kicked me out,
which they only let me join
'cause I gave 'em free
food from the restaurant.
Sounds like someone's
going... Solo.
Look, man.
I'm really sorry about what happened.
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna
get you a job at my office.
No. Are--seriously?
Oh, yeah. That--I--see--really?
'cause that would--
that would be awesome, man. Thank
you. Oh, yeah. Happy to do it.
Uh, call me on Monday. Uh, take
my number down. Yes. Okay. Yeah.
It's 312-487... 312-487...
what are you doing? I'm locking it in.
I got a brain like a computer, so
just hit me with it.
Yeah. Like I told you,
it's just a mnemonic device, which is
simply a memory aid. I mean, you
can use 'em really for anything.
I have one for the great
lakes, one for the planets that
are in Orbit, uh, the--
the heads of Mount rushmore.
It is--it's a little more
complex than the others.
So you didn't get them removed?
No. No, those tattoos
were a symbol of our bond
as a couple, and now
they're a symbol of our
bond as friends. Yeah,
you know, you can't
just get rid of something that
special just like that. Hurt too much?
Like a bitch! Yeah.
I gotta say, Max, I'm
really surprised you called.
Hey, don't worry.
I'm not into Dave Matthews
anymore. It's all good.
I'm not the type of guy to judge
someone over one thing anymore.
So how's everything going? Oh, it's
good, man. Uh, just hanging out.
Mm-hmm. I finally traded
in That old muscle car,
and now I'm rocking a
Cherry 2001 p.T. Cruiser.
Okay.
Yeah, oh, and I'm super excited
about this fan blog I
started for Paul Walker.
Oh, he's a guy. Yeah.
I mean, that pretty much
catches us up to today. Good.
Yeah, which is a great day,
'cause I just got this braided belt.
Okay, I gave it a shot. I'm done.
Baby steps. True.
Okay, so I want a she-Wolf
making love to a metal panther
on top of a flaming bar code,
and under that, I want it to say,
"if there's a hell, i'll
see you there, Janet."
You gonna write that down?
Nope. It's locked in.
♪♪♪
two pieces of bread, avocado
sliced thin, no tomato. Check.
Uh, you're not gonna write any
of this down? I don't need to.
I remember every order
with a handy mnemonic Device
Using state Capitals
and Tobey Maguire movies.
Or you could just write it down.
And... it's locked in. It is not locked in.
We gotta stop sitting in Randy's section.
He always gets our order wrong
because he never writes anything down.
You know, he'd probably get your food right
If you didn't order like a girl
from long island. Oh, my god.
Okay, just please don't
complain, 'cause we know
what happens in the kitchen
when they don't like a
customer. Do you really
think they spit in your food?
No, I think my Cable guy has seen me naked.
Iknowthey spit in our
food. Not me. I was
the best waitress. It's
all about the up-sell.
It's like, "oh, no,
you don't want another plate
of maui wowie chicken bites?"
How about now, table
of divorced dads? Damn.
You telling your maui wowie Chicken
bites story? I need to get new stories.
Hey, Max. That guy you were
talking to was supercute.
Give me dets. Come on. I don't know. I
wasn't paying attention.
I was too busy making
up a song in my head about
why Mac and cheese are best
friends. Hey,
Max, it was great to meet you.
Look, I've gotta run, but do
you want to go out sometime?
Uh, sure. Great. All right. Well,
how about Friday? That's my number.
Okay. Great. I'll give
you a call. Later, Adrian.
Ooh! Yeah, girl!
Black, british, and gay? Fabulous. Yeah.
That guy walks into a bar,
it's London britches falling down.
Guys, what is this,
"sex and the city," season two?
Oh! La, La,
La, la, la! Have it on dvr.
Wait a minute. You're not gonna
call that guy? Are you nuts?
Come on. He sucks. I can tell.
Max, why do you always do this?
Why do you always blow a guy off before
you get to know them? I don't do that!
This thing is sweet. I
always wanted a muscle car.
Yeah, I know, right?
I love to just throw the top
down and Blast Dave Matthews.
Yep.
It's a slippery slope, all right?
You let one guy in that
likes the Dave Matthews band,
the next thing you know,
you're playing Frisbee
Golf and taking it
really seriously. Okay,
here is your club soda
and tomatoes on the side, just
like you ordered. Tomatoes?
Ooh. Uh... okay. Uh, guys, I--tomato--I
just... I've got tomato...
it's okay. He's got
a thing with tomatoes.
Give me the tomatoes.
I can't even... I mean...
so he'll vomit? No, if he
throws up, I will. It's...
I'm good. I'm good.
Guys... see... Max. Honey.
Let me just--I think
I'll take it to my--I
don't want 'em. Max. Max.
Max, give m--All right.
♪♪♪
What was your problem with Adrian?
That guy was incredibly
Hot and perfect.
What's the big deal?
He has a british accent?
I could have a british accent.
"Meet me at the palace
for high tea, mon."
Okay,
I have no idea what that was.
Seriously, what could he have
possibly said in Five minutes
that made you not want to go out with
him? He was kinda terrible.
He kept going on and on about
the bears. You love the bears.
Yeah, but he was one of those "we" guys.
Like,"we need play Better defence."
"Weneed to stick our blocks."
It's like, you're not
on the team.
Oh, Max. I used to be just like you.
I used to look for any
excuse not to like a guy,
so that I could reject him
before he rejected me. Was
that before or after you
slept with every guy you met?
Ooh! La, La, La, la, la!
Let me know when you're done. Brad was the
only guy that I didn't prejudge instantly,
and thank god. Aw, that's my boo.
I'm okay with Sloppy 22nds. I
mean, sure, I could've bailed
when I saw his collection
of Paula Abdul singles,
or when I learned that he tucks his
pyjama shirt in. Okay, let's wrap this up.
It doesn't matter. I threw away
his number. Oh. Well...
Okay, did you keep this because
you think we really have a shot,
or because you're
an obsessive-compulsive
whack job? Mm... 80/20.
I just think you should
give him a chance.
Go out on one date with him.
He may not be as bad as you think he is.
All right. Fine. I'll
go on a date with him,
but the second he tucks
his pajamas in, I'm out of
there. I don't understand
why a brother can't look nice
when he goes to bed. Is that a crime?
Oh, Sara.
Ohh. "Alex"?
No, it's... it's Dave.
No, I know.
Oh! I get it. You wanna
do some role-playing.
No, you have a tattoo on
your back that says "Alex."
Oh, my "Alex" tattoo is for...
Alex trebek?
I know, but it was better
than my last excuse.
Alex... ander Hamilton.
He wrote most of the federalist papers?
That is so crazy. I know. I thought
most of the federalist Papers
were written by James Madison.
Impressive, right, boo?
Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
I was picturing
that Adrian guy naked. So was I.
Hello. Hey, al. You know,
Dave was just telling us
about how his "Alex" tattoo
is totally killing his game.
Oh. Is it? Big game? No,
not big game. Not bison.
Just the occasional deer or
two. Maybe a gnu.
How about you?
Is your "Dave" tattoo messing up your game?
Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's why
I got it removed. You did?
Yeah, I just thought
it was time to move on.
Plus, I got tired of saying
I was a super Dave Osborne
fan. What?! how could you get
tired of telling people you're
a super Dave Osborne fan? Well,
maybe I should get mine removed, too.
Maybe you should. Well, maybe I will.
Maybe
you should. Maybe I will.
okay. I'm just trying
to clear something up in my head
as I go over it again.Are you a
super Dave Osborne fan, or are
you tired of telling people you're a
super Dave Osborne Fan? Why do you do this?
There we go. Enjoy. Thank you.
Is any of it right? It's on a plate.
Well, mine looks fine.
Penn, stop defending him.
You told him you're allergic to nuts,
and your salad's all pecan-crusted.
It's okay. I'm
just gonna eat around it, so...
Oh, my god. my throat's closing.
Okay. This has gotta stop.
Hey! No, no.
Okay, look, please. It's
really hard to be a waiter.
Just... Penn, he needs to hear
some constructive criticism.
I know, but... it'll make
him better at his job.
He'll thank me for it in the
long run. Dude! What's up?
Randy, you gotta start
writing stuff down, man.
I didn't order pie. Penny almost died.
Feel like you should be flipping those.
Yeah, he always gets my order Wrong, too.
Randy, are you getting more complaints?
No, it's just, I have this
mnemonic device that I'm using--
I told you this can't
happen again, all right?
Hit the road. You're fired. What?
You're fired! Oh, thanks a lot,
man! Oh, and this... it's locked in.
But I... you said...
Oh, so now y'all don't know nobody?
For real? That's what's hot in the streets?
So how hammered were you
when you got this thing?
Let's just say there was
a lot of hair-holding.
Hold my hair. Hold my
hair. Okay. I got it. Oh, jeez.
Go, bears!
Go, bears!
Go, bears! Whoa!
Sounds like a lot of fun.
What do you say we blast
this bitch's name off, huh?
Oh. Whoa. No, no. It's--it's not like that.
We're actually still
friends. Oh. One of those.
Sounds like you have some unresolved
feelings going on. No, no. It's just that--
when did you break up?
About four months ago.
Four months ago. Uh-huh. I'm sorry.
Why are you writing that down?
This has nothing to do with--
in my experience, if someone
is truly over someone else,
they get those taken off right away.
Well, I've been really busy, you know,
buying V-neck T-shirts,
wearing V-neck T-shirts.
It pretty much usurped most of my time.
Exactly. There are two
things you need to understand.
One, I do not validate, and
two, you shouldn't get this done
until you have all your
feelings worked out.
You really need to understand,
tattoo removal is permanent.
Once you have a tattoo taken
off, you cannot put it back on.
Really? 'cause I feel like I could just--
uh, shh, shh, shh. Just...
think about what I said, okay?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have
to go remove a face pentagram
from a woman who's running for
city council. She's got my vote.
Boom! Triple 20! I win again, Clyde!
I don't care that you don't remember
where you are.
Oh. Oh. Don't go anywhere, okay?
Hello?
Hey, it's Jane.
How's your
date going with the brit boy?
Oh, it's awesome. I know, Adrian.
Chelsea handlerhasforgotten
how to keep it real.
We're really hitting it off.
Oh,
I'm so glad to hear that. Mm-hmm.
That is just fantastic. Ooh-Hoo-Hoo-hoo!
Hey, you just missed Adrian.
Why aren't you on your date?
Uh... look, I wasn't into it.
Besides, I needed to
reconnect with Clyde.
So did you at least call to
cancel, or did you stand him up?
You stood him up?
Oh. It's not a big
deal. Well, what did you say
when he called to find out
where you were? He didn't call.
Well, then how do you
know he didn't standyouup?
what? You're out of your mind.
I mean, is it possible
that Max got maxed, huh?
Okay, one, I love how you
used my name as a verb.
Big part of becoming a cultural icon,
which you know is a goal of mine.
Two, you shut your whore
mouth! Ooh. Touched a nerve?
No one maxes Max.
Now Let's go grab whatever
wasp overcoat you wear.
We're gonna go down to that bar
and see that he's sitting there
like a skinny, british Loser, all like...
"Where's Max?
He broke my heart by Not showing
up." Your shirt inside out?
yep. My shirt is inside out.
Hey. Hey. I just wanted
to ask you something.
Yeah. Come on in. I was
just making myself some tea.
Do you want some? No, I'm good.
Um, let me ask you somethin'.
How soon after the whole thing
did you get your tattoo removed?
Oh, my tattoo. Excellent question.
Um, I don't know, like, a week or so. Oh.
Yeah. That was fast.
Yeah. Did you get yours taken
off? You free to be aplaya?
Don't say "playa." I regretted
it almost immediately.
So was there any scarring?
Yeah. A little. Yeah.
Do you mind if I took a look,
just to see what I'm in for?
Nah. I don't think so. I-I wasn't
trying to get you naked or anything.
No, I know. I know that's not what you
meant. Yeah, 'cause it--
it wouldn't be weird,
because we've done it,
like, a million times. Yeah,
like, a million bajillion
times, right?
Yeah. But I don't know.
Now it's weird. No, it's not.
No, it is. Yeah. Ah, it's weird.
It's not weird. It's a little weird.
Look, um, you're about to get
a really long apologize-y
text from me. Don't read it.
I just have to send it.
I'm telling you, Adrian
did not stand me up.
I'm like a chubby Chris O'Donnell,
which in Chicago is like
a regular Chris O'Donnell.
All right. Calm down. Wow, Max.
Adrian picked a place where they
make guacamole at your table.
Didn't you say that when
you come into some money,
you were gonna get one of
those ladies to come live
at your house? I don't
think that I said that.
Besides, she's using a lot of lime.
I don't
see Adrian anywhere.
Yeah. He's probably in the bathroom writing
Elliott SMITH-type Songs about me.
Excuse me. You seen a guy
named Adrian--black, british?
Oh, yeah. I know him.
We used to be roommates.
Well, at least until he got that
front office job with the bears.
That's why he was saying
"we." He's them!
He works for the bears. That is
pretty cool. Jane, it's chicago.
Everybody works for the bears. So where's
Adrian tonight? He didn't come in tonight.
He didn't? On fridays he usually
goes to the avalon theater
for good bad movie night.
A bunch of people sit around
and watch a bad movie and
make fun of it. It's ironic.
Orange whips?
Uh, no orange whips for me.
Tell me this guy doesn't
sound perfect for you.
This is why you have
to give people a chance.
He could be your Brad! Except
for British and way cooler.
Do you think my marriage is in trouble?
Come on. We're going to the avalon.
What, so you can apologize and ask him
out on a real date? No! 'cause I'm pissed!
I feel bad for getting Randy fired.
I wanna make it up to
him. At this point, I
really just think you
should leave it alone.
No, no, no. I know the perfect thing.
No. Mnh.
This is much better. Mm-hmm.
Hey!
What are you guys doing
here? Are you stalking me?
Look, man, uh, I feel bad,
so I bought this gift basket
to apologize for getting you fired.
Wait. You got fired?
I bet it was for not writing stuff
down. No, no. No, it's--no, b--
It's because I touched someone's Butt.
Why did he get fired?
Uh, he touched my Butt?
I'm tired of you not
writing stuff down!
You forgot phone messages, our anniversary,
when my birth parents came to town!
How hard is it to grab
a pencil?! say something.
Dude, she's right. Writing stuff down
only takes, like, a second. No, not that.
We're done, Randy, and in
case you forget, write it down.
Okay, B--
mm. Mm, mm, mm. I think she
just needs a second to calm down.
Yeah.
And by the way, your band sucks.
I don't know what you're
worse at, guitar Or sex!
No!
Stings a bit.
Max, what exactly is your plan here?
You're just gonna run in
There and start yelling?
I don't have a plan,
but I like your plan.
I don't have any money! Pay for my ticket!
Hi. Two, please, for Jessie Spano's boobs.
Adrian? Adrian? Huh?
Adrian? Adrian? Max?
Adrian, hey! What are you doing here?
Shh! You shush, bro.
I'm trying to have a
personal conversation
here. I'm trying to
watch the movie here,bro.
Bro, you do not want to get
into a bro-off with me, bro.
Boom! Shamed!
What do you want? I came to let you know
that even though you have an awesome job,
and you're black and
British, which is super sexy,
and you know a place to make
magic happen out of an avocado
and a pestle, doesn't give
you the right to--Oh, my god.
Is this the "I'm a dancer,
not a stripper" scene?
Awesome. Yo soy bailarina.
Yo No soy Unastripper.
In Spanish? Amazing. Ahem.
You can't stand people
up. I didn't stand you up.
Shh! Yeah?
Then how come the bartender said you
weren't there? I was waiting outside...
Oh, you were outside? Like a gentleman.
That's actually very nice.
It's super polite.
Mm. That's the kind of
guy I am. It's... it's
nothing. Look, I feel like
we got off to a Rocky start.
I said some things. You said some
things. Actually, I didn't say anything.
My point is that I'm
actually glad it worked out
the way it did. I mean,
I learned a ton about you
while I was trying to track
you down. Oh, that's nice, Max.
Do you know how else you could
have learned about me? Facebook?
No. By Turning up for our date.
Sorry, Max. I don't
date guys who play games.
Look who got served now, bro.
You shut your whore mouth, okay?
He just got his heart broken.
Yeah, this was embarrassing,
but this is embarrassing, too!
You're on a date with no one!
You're alone! Okay. Enjoy the movie.
Yeah, enjoy the movie.
Enjoy your date, huh? No,
we don't need any--no. We
don't need any more words.
No more--all right. Yep. You two
come together-- you and no one, huh?
Okay. There's no one there.
We all know there's no
one there. You'll be alone
for the rest of your life!
Know how I can tell? That stupid beard!
♪ I'm dusting, I'm dusting ♪
♪ I bought this from
a guy named Justin ♪
♪ Justin's supercute, and
he looks like my cousin ♪
♪ This song got really
super strange fast ♪
drum solo!
♪ Hi-hat ♪
so it's our anniversary,
and I know that you've
always wanted to go to Paris,
so I priced out two first-class
tickets... what?
And then I realized I'm
a waiter with $40,000
in Student loan debt, and
I got you this instead.
Oh.
That's... that's way better
than an actual trip to
Paris, right?
Louvre,shmoove. Turn it over.
Would you wanna move in with me?
Oh, my god. Yes! Yes?
Yes. Yes. Yes. Awesome, except We
gotta keep the bathroom door shut.
Those couples just creep me out.
So...
what are you having removed?
On my back I got this giant eagle
fighting a bison on top of
a skull made out of lava,
while five panthers wait
to rip apart the carcass of the loser.
You?
Uh... it's a Hawk...
eating Abe Lincoln's
brains out of his top hat,
wrapped in a...
hey, al! What are you doing here?
Sweet.
Al, you've still got the
tattoo. Why'd you lie?
Come here. I don't know.
You know, it just--it really
hurt to think it was so easy
for you to get rid of it.
I mean, it's been months,
and I still can't bring
myself to do it. Okay, well,
if we're gonna be completely
honest, I didn't bail
on getting mine off just
because of the scars and stuff.
But it's time, right?
Yeah. So then Let's do it together.
Look, if we are gonna face lasers,
we're gonna need some help. A little
tail of the dog? It's hair of the dog.
What do I care? I'm a cat
person. I'm a cat person, too.
Dr. Forest, Dial 182, please.
Whew.
Ah. Ohh. Do you remember the
last time we drank that stuff?
I only remember the morning after.
Ooh.
Aah.
Oh, my head.
Jager!
Oh, god. The last thing I remember...
ohh. Is doing
body shots off your stomach.
That was not me. That was the bartender.
He was a nice man. Mm-hmm.
Mm. Mm. Mm.
Hmm.
Mm.
Why is my shoulder so sore?
Hmm?
Oh. Maybe it has
something to do with that.
Aah! I got a tattoo!
ohh.
I think it's kinda sweet, you know? Ohh.
It's kinda like...
even when I'm not with you,
I still will be, you know?
Ow.
Oh, hell, no!
Oh! You got a "Dave" tattoo on your hip!
No! My name on your beautiful body!
Ohh! I look like an extra
on "oz." You really don't.
Are we really that couple
that has matching tattoos?
I think it's-- it's cute, you know?
It'll be, uh, a great story
we can tell our children.
I love you.
I love you, too.
That was a fun morning.
Easy.
whew. Ooh.
Do you think we made a mistake?
Yeah. Yeah, we made a huge mistake.
Ohh.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow, that hurts!
Ow! That hurts! That hurts!
So Randy's ex says she hasn't
seen him since they broke up.
You know what? He's probably
fine. Or living in his car.
Yeah, or a shoe...
or a ranch, breeding
baby unicorns. Or his car.
No, seriously. He's living in his car.
Ohh.
Hey, fella.
Hi. Whatcha doin' in there?
First you get me fired. Then you
get me kicked out of my house.
Now I can't even sleep in
my own car. Hi. How are you?
Hi. So things are good?
Oh, great. Uh, no house, no girlfriend.
My band just kicked me out,
which they only let me join
'cause I gave 'em free
food from the restaurant.
Sounds like someone's
going... Solo.
Look, man.
I'm really sorry about what happened.
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna
get you a job at my office.
No. Are--seriously?
Oh, yeah. That--I--see--really?
'cause that would--
that would be awesome, man. Thank
you. Oh, yeah. Happy to do it.
Uh, call me on Monday. Uh, take
my number down. Yes. Okay. Yeah.
It's 312-487... 312-487...
what are you doing? I'm locking it in.
I got a brain like a computer, so
just hit me with it.
Yeah. Like I told you,
it's just a mnemonic device, which is
simply a memory aid. I mean, you
can use 'em really for anything.
I have one for the great
lakes, one for the planets that
are in Orbit, uh, the--
the heads of Mount rushmore.
It is--it's a little more
complex than the others.
So you didn't get them removed?
No. No, those tattoos
were a symbol of our bond
as a couple, and now
they're a symbol of our
bond as friends. Yeah,
you know, you can't
just get rid of something that
special just like that. Hurt too much?
Like a bitch! Yeah.
I gotta say, Max, I'm
really surprised you called.
Hey, don't worry.
I'm not into Dave Matthews
anymore. It's all good.
I'm not the type of guy to judge
someone over one thing anymore.
So how's everything going? Oh, it's
good, man. Uh, just hanging out.
Mm-hmm. I finally traded
in That old muscle car,
and now I'm rocking a
Cherry 2001 p.T. Cruiser.
Okay.
Yeah, oh, and I'm super excited
about this fan blog I
started for Paul Walker.
Oh, he's a guy. Yeah.
I mean, that pretty much
catches us up to today. Good.
Yeah, which is a great day,
'cause I just got this braided belt.
Okay, I gave it a shot. I'm done.
Baby steps. True.
Okay, so I want a she-Wolf
making love to a metal panther
on top of a flaming bar code,
and under that, I want it to say,
"if there's a hell, i'll
see you there, Janet."
You gonna write that down?
Nope. It's locked in.
♪♪♪