Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 6, Episode 8 - Fearless Malph - full transcript

Hypnotic suggestion during research for science editor Richie's college newspaper article leaves phobic Ralph Malph fearless.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪



Happy Days is filmed in
front of a live audience.

Ah.

- Here you are, Rich.
- Oh.

A double, quadruple scoop
Alfredo deluxe-o sundae.

Hey.

Oh, are you
celebrating something?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, after much hard
work and diligence,

well, the kid came
through again.

That's the
telephone. I'll get it.

- Don't go away.
- My sun... hey, Al,

you got my...

"Yello."

Yeah. Uh-huh.

He's right here.

Rich, it's for you.

Oh, great.

You must have
done something great.

It's the newspaper.

Oh, really?

Hello.

Oh, yeah, it's the professor
of the UWM Daily Post.

UMW Daily Post...!

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, this is
Richard Cunningham.

Yes, the new science editor.

The science editor.

What?

You're killing my first story?

Why?

- Al...
- Ask him.

Why?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

All those reasons, huh?

Yeah. Yes, sir.

I'll-I'll get right
on another story.

Yes, sir, thank you.

Well, Rich, at least
you're the science editor.

He's the science...

Al, look, I kind of
lost my appetite,

so would you mind just kind
of canceling the sundae there?

Rich, I can't cancel
an Alfredo deluxe-o...

Ew, I don't like mint.

Canceled my first story.

How can they turn down a
story with a hook like that?

"Fruit Fly, Friend or Foe?"

Oh, just forget
it. I hate science.

Hey, Cunningham.

Just the man I want to see.

Let me ask you a question.

Can you visualize this face
up on Mount Rushmore?

Right next to Lincoln...
You know, he's my favorite.

- Oh, yeah?
- He's my favorite.

You still writing
for that paper?

Yeah. Matter of fact, they
made me the, uh, science editor.

Science editor... hey, congrats.

Thanks.

Have I got a story for you.

You got a story?

Great! Great, I need one.

All right, all right.

Uh, who? What? Why?
Where? When? How?

Me, in a half an
hour, set a record,

Inspiration Point, on my
bike, 'cause it's there to do.

Yeah, that... that's great.

Uh, Fonz, could you fill
in with a little more detail?

Yeah, absolutely.

All right. Dig this.

I'm up on Inspiration Point
with three fabulous chicks.

Uh, three girls on a bike?

That's right. All of a sudden,
a wild urge overtakes me.

Oh, yeah, I know what
you're talking about.

Not that kind of urge.

An urge to set a new record.

You see, I figured I've
already got Miller's Road, right?

Yeah.

So, I'm gonna go down

the other side of
Inspiration Point.

Fonz, the other side?

A little less.

Exactamundo! Exactamundo!

All right, dig it.

I can see the headlines now.

"The Fonz Goes..." You
know, what you just did.

- Right.
- Are you getting this down, Rich?

- Oh, I got it.
- Are you getting this down?

All right, start to visualize

three fabulous
chicks on a bike, right?

Three chicks on a bike?

On the handlebars.
On the handlebars.

Oh, oh, right.

Three fabulous chicks
on a bike, going down.

Right?

All of a sudden, a blur
of rocks, you know?

And trees coming
at me, flailing arms.

And then I hear somebody
yell, "Hey, Fonz, don't do it."

Rich, I got to tell you,

the first time in my life I
ever heard those words.

Yeah.

Fonz, the record...

It's fantastic and it
would make a great story,

but I can't write it.

Hey, what are you,
nutso? Get over here.

It's got a little of everything.

You got drama, you got
fear, you got excitement,

you got a little romance
there, plus a new record.

Yeah. Fonz, it's not science.

I... All right, all right.

Uh, where are the
three girls now?

Well, they're still
on the handlebars;

I couldn't pry
their fingers off.

- I was only kidding, you know.
- Yeah.

You should have seen
the fear on their faces.

Fear, yeah.

- Wait a minute.
- Hmm?

- That might be a story.
- Right.

Fear! I mean, everybody
has fears, right?

I'll pretend you
didn't say that.

Oh...

Come on, Fonz, a little fear.

Maybe when I was four.

Four. Four.

All right, what did you have?

Were you afraid of the dark?

No, you were scared of storms.

You were afraid of...

Go ahead, Fonz.

I was afraid that...

I'd never have a
girlfriend, you know?

It went right away.

Went right away like that
when I met the Muldoon triplets.

Four years old?

- That's right.
- Triplets.

And could those
girls play doctor.

All right, Fonz, I got to
get started on this article.

Thanks for the idea.

I'm sorry I can't
use yours with the...

Hey, that's no
sweat off my nose.

You'll get my next
record with four chicks.

Oh.

Pike's Peak?

No, actually, I was
thinking, uh, you know...

Ooh.

You got an exclusive, all right?

- All right.
- Later. Whoa!

See you, Fonz.

Well, Richard, I'm
so proud of you.

My science editor.

Oh, thanks.

Well, you know,
I've worked hard,

and I've done some
nice pieces and, uh...

And I heard nobody
else wanted it.

- Well, that, too.
- Mm-hmm.

So when do you
start your first article?

I already had one idea
shot down, but listen to this.

I'm thinking about
doing a feature

about one of the darkest
corners of the human psyche.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right?

Fears and phobias.

Oh, good, Rich.

You can write about how
you're afraid of flowers.

I'm not afraid of flowers.

Only of smelling them,
since that bumblebee incident.

You shouldn't be talking
about being scared,

I mean, the way you go...

"The bogeyman's after me!"

She always does that.

Listen, big brother,

just because someone
uses a Yogi Bear night light

does not mean she's
afraid of the bogeyman.

Well, I got to tell you,
there's nothing sillier

than your mother's fear
of strange bathrooms.

That's right.

You never can tell if somebody
is hiding in the shower.

Boy, you people
and your silly fears.

Don't "you people" us.

How about you and worms?

I'm not afraid of worms, Marion.

It's just that they're
so squishy, that's all.

Uh-huh. So are jelly doughnuts,
and they don't bother you.

What's jelly doughnuts
got to do with...

All right, I think I got enough.

Oh, don't give me any of that.

You take a can of spray...

Oh, a bathroom?

Professor?

Yes, sir, this is Cunningham.

Well, I think I'm
onto something.

Claustrophobia... Fear
of enclosed places.

- Nope.
- Yes.

Acrophobia... height.

- Nope.
- Yes.

Phobophobia... fear of fear.

- Nope.
- Yes.

Ralph, I've gone
through the entire list.

You have every one.

Yeah.

I'm an all-around guy.

You know, I tell you, this
story is filling in pretty nicely.

I've got, uh, who,
where, how, when...

You know what I don't have? Why.

Why do people
have all these fears?

Well, you're in luck, Rich.

I know this Austrian
professor at the psychology lab;

he's got a million degrees.

Head of the
psychology department?

No, a custodian.

Janitor.

Only because he doesn't
have U.S. credentials yet.

He takes care of
the lab animals.

Want to talk to him?

- Yeah, come on.
- Great.

This could be just
what I need. Let's go.

He's probably feeding
the lab animals right now.

Lab animals?

Wait a minute, I can't go.

I'm afraid of mice.

Ralph, nothing's gonna happen.

The mice are in cages.

Yeah? So was King Kong at first.

Come on...

Here you are, Ingrid.

Here.

Here, here, here.

Now, Hermann,
you let Ingrid eat, ja?

Uh, Dr. Himmel?

- Yes?
- Uh, remember me?

I thought the mice were old
'cause they had white hair.

How could I forget?

Well, these here are my
friends, Richie Cunningham...

- How do you do?
- And, uh, over there is Ralph Malph.

And, uh, Professor...

Professor, we
really need your help.

Come on in, young man.

Professor, do your
mice pick locks?

Is he the one you
want me to help?

Uh, no, Professor.

Uh, I'm the science
editor of the school paper,

and-and I just wanted to
ask you a question about fear.

Ah, the psychology of fears.

Yes.

My specialty.

Oh, all right.

Well, why do people
have these fears?

We need some fears
to keep us in balance.

Well, now, what if somebody
has, uh, too many fears?

Would you call 50 too many?

Ja.

Hypnotism.

I've experimented with mice,

and under hypnosis,
their fears vanish.

Let me demonstrate.

We will use Ingrid.

Oh!

What are they doing?

Well, they're moving their
little feet around like that.

Well, kind of looks like...

No.

Yeah, it looks like
they're dancing.

- Dancing?!
- Yeah.

This is not the
scientific term, but, uh...

Ja, ja.

They're-they're agitated,
nervous, disturbed.

It looks like dancing.

This happened to me only
once before in my lifetime.

Oh, you've been to Disneyland?

All animals are sensitive
to coming disasters.

Disaster?

Before an earthquake,
cats and dogs begin to wail.

You all know the stories of
rats leaving a ship before it sinks.

But in the case of dancing mice,

first, the air will grow still.

Birds will be silent.

And then, in the eerie quiet,

it will come...

at exactly 6:22 this evening.

Stop it! You're
driving me crazy!

Stop it!

What? What will come?

One of the most
powerful forces of nature.

Fonzie?

A destructive energy
uprooting trees,

smash houses, wreak havoc!

What will come,
young man, a tornado!

A tornado.

Did you hear that, Malph?

Hear it? It's
ringing in my ears.

Malph, there's
nothing to worry about.

We haven't had a
tornado in Milwaukee

- since, uh, Truman left office.
- Yeah.

Yeah? Tell that to the mice.

Professor Himmel,
you can't really

predict anything
with mice, can you?

Very good, young man.

A trained scientific mind
refuses to accept one fact

unless additional
facts can back it up.

Check the barometer.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

When's the little man
and woman come out?

- Read the numbers.
- Oh. Yeah.

If it is below 29,
we are in trouble.

It's 28.

Now we have two facts.

I wish you wouldn't say that.

Now observation.

Check the sky.

Yeah, but, Professor,
the sun is shining and...

Oh, come here, look.

Look at the black clouds
coming over the horizon.

Could be rain.

Three facts.

Shall we continue?

I think not. It's enough for me.

A tornado! Quick,
grab something heavy.

Is this an American custom?

No, he's terrified.

He's also pretty strong.

Come on, Malph, let go, man.

We don't have time
for your hysterics.

- We've got to warn everybody.
- Forget it.

I'm not going out
there. There's a tornado.

Come on, Malph, let go, man.

You must hurry. You must hurry.

Warn everyone about the tornado.

Your loved ones.

Leave me alone. I'm loveless.

Look, you've got to help us.

I will hypnotize him.

Oh, you can't do that.
My will is much too strong.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Hey, Pots, did you...

Pots?

You got two for one.

Amazing.

Malph must be pretty
simple to go under that fast.

Yeah, right.

Let's go. Come on.

Now, when I awaken you,

you will have no longer
fears of tornadoes.

You won't have fear of anything.

You will be without fears.

You will be fearless.

You understand?

And now, when you
awake at the count of three,

you will be feeling well
and have no longer fears.

One. Two. Three.

Ralph, you all right?

I don't know. I feel different.

- You must warn everyone about the tornado.
- Right.

Come on. We got to warn them.

- Let's go.
- Come on, Malph.

I don't know what it is.

I feel courageous,
fearless, strong.

Out of my way, Doc.

Ralph. Ralph.

- Right, not strong.
- Yeah.

- Come on.
- Two out of three, Rich.

22 cents for a loaf of bread.

What is this world coming to?

Howard, it's the Russians.

Ever since that dog in space,
things haven't been the same.

Oh, oh, good.

I'm glad you're here.

I got all our
valuables right here.

I opened up all the
windows upstairs.

You got groceries. Excellent.

We're gonna need
some canned goods.

I hope you got canned goods.

Okay, Dad, listen, could
you pour some water?

I'm gonna open up all
the windows down here,

and-and, Mom,
maybe you could, uh...

Could you get the pillow...?

Richard, what is going on here?

Don't just stand here.

There's gonna be a tornado.

It's the Russians.

A tornado? What tornado?

Professor Himmel at
the university told us

there's gonna be
a tornado at 6:22.

- Oh, right, I better get the canned goods.
- Right.

Well, who told him?

Uh, well, uh, observation.

The barometer, the...
the dancing mice.

Dancing mice?

All right, cancel the mice.

Look, I don't have a lot
of time to argue about this.

Now, are you two gonna
get down in the cellar, or...

do I have to get physical?

Marion...

will you call Dr. Strock?

I don't think he's well.

I'm doing fine,

but I'm telling you,
a tornado is coming.

That's right.

And it's a lovely
day for a big wind.

You got a kite, Howie?

Howard, I don't think
Ralph is feeling well.

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. C.

It's just Ralph's
hypnotized like the mice.

More mice.

Look, did you warn your family?

My family's in the cellar,
the sniveling cowards.

I tried.

But my father just told me
to stand outside as a lookout.

Look, I'm going
down to Arnold's,

we're gonna warn
everybody down there,

and I'm also gonna get
Joanie and bring her back.

Oh, Mom, Dad, what can
I say at a time like this?

Say good-bye, Richard.

Oh, right, bye.

Good-bye, Mom.

You're good people.

Come on.

Oh, Howard, do you think

there really is going
to be a tornado?

Of course not.

And that's today's weather.

And now for tomorrow's weather.

Fair and sunny through
the end of the week...

Well, that's a relief.

Wait. I've just been
handed a bulletin.

There's a tornado
warning in effect

in this area until 8:00 tonight.

Richard! Richard!

Just missed him.

Hey, hey, run for your life.

A tornado's coming.

Run for your life.
A tornado's coming.

Hey, wait a minute!

- Everybody out.
- Baby, baby, baby, wait, wait!

Wait for me at
Inspiration Point.

We'll watch the
destruction together.

Just as well.

It's tough to kiss
a screaming girl.

Al, Al, there's
gonna be a tornado.

- Hey, Al.
- Aah!

I'm hungry. Business
before terror.

Al, just grab anything you can.

Quick.

Why are you taking
a napkin holder?

So shoot me, I'm sentimental.

Al, bring me a wine list.

Hey, come on, you
got to get out of here.

There's a tornado.
Really, just-just go.

- Oh, Joanie.
- What's going on here?

- Is there a fire?
- Come on.

Oh, oh, much better...
There's a tornado coming.

Cut the comedy, Ralph.

Look, take the
keys, get in my car

and drive home
as fast as you can.

- You're giving me your car?
- Yeah.

Oh, there must be a tornado!

- Go!
- Tornado!

- Quick! Let's warn
everyone - Yeah.

- Down at the Pizza Bowl.
- Right.

But, Rich, this time
you do the talking.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. What's the big hurry?

Let me make a few
calls first in my office.

- Ralph, that's Fonzie's office.
- Ralph.

Not anymore.

Fonz.

Fonzie.

Control.

Just keep control, Fonz.

That's good, Fonz.
Just stay cool.

I'm cool. I'm in
control. I'm in control.

I'm gonna give you a
minute to call an ambulance

and then his best...
his next of kin.

On second thought,
I'm gonna go in there,

I'm gonna stuff that kamikaze
kid right down the drain.

No, wait, Fonz, Fonz!

Look, he's not himself.

Why would you do that?

The drain ain't big
enough for two of you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fonz, but...

he's been hypnotized.

- He's been hypnotized?
- Yeah.

Well, I sure do hope that it
makes him immune to pain.

Now, excuse.

Fonz, Fonz, Fonz,
please don't kill him.

He's my best friend.
He's my roommate.

I am in dire need of
an explanation here.

- Rich. Tell him. Tell him.
- Yeah, right.

Uh, Fonz, he doesn't
know what he's doing

because a professor with
four degrees hypnotized him

so he wouldn't be
afraid of the tornado.

- Right.
- There's a tornado coming, Fonz.

And he knew there
was a tornado coming

because the mice were dancing.

Well, I guess you
had to be there.

But they were dancing.

Oh, there you are, Fonzarelli.

Ralph.

Now, before I take
over your office,

I want it spic and span.

I mean, get those
stupid combs out of there.

Hypnotism. It's hypnotism.

And another thing, Artie.

Artie?

That's right. That's right.

You heard me, Artie.

Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie...

- Ralph!
- Just shut up.

All right, all right,
look, calm is nice.

And another thing, Artie...

You really been
bugging me lately.

The way you ride that
stupid motorcycle of yours.

When you gonna get
some training wheels?

Malph! He's
leaving. He's leaving.

- Ralph, come on. Let's go.
- Wait a minute.

I didn't say anything
about his crummy jacket yet.

Malph!

We're getting him
unhypnotized, Fonz.

Whoa!

The tornado's here!

Don't worry, Ingrid.

You'll be safe in here.

- Professor Himmel.
- Yeah?

You got to do something.

You've created a monster.

You heard about that?

Ralph. You got to
get him out of this...

- this hypnosis.
- Fast.

Whatever you
want, nothing to it.

That's fast.

You will no longer be brave,

courageous and bold.

You will be the
old, uh, uh, um, uh...

Ralph Malph.

Ralph Malph. What a name.

Wake up, kid.

Hi, there.

Does anyone
know what time it is?

Yeah, yeah, it's 6:23.

Tornado time!

Rich, we're gonna be
sucked up to the Land of Oz.

- No, Ralph...
- Help! Help!

- Mice!
- Ralph, Ralph, it's all right.

It's a minute past tornado time.

- It's 6:23.
- Hey, calm down, Malph.

- Himmel was wrong.
- Hang on.

The facts were wrong.

Yeah, right, yeah.

Missed by that much.

Hit the deck!

Ralph!

Ralph!

I got to get out of here!

Auntie Em!

Go get him.

Hey, Ralph, I'll save you.

I'll save you.

Wait a minute! Wait!

The wall! Look at the wall!

Hey. Malph...

Malph, you saved Richie's life.

Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Amazing.

Ralph. Thank you.

Now, you see, you...
you got courage.

I do? Yeah, when you need it.

- Yeah, maybe I do.
- You sure do!

- Amazing.
- Huh?

Ingrid, what did
you do with your tail?

This happened to me
only once before in my life.

Let's get out of here!

"And therefore,
fears are our friends."

Boy, that's some article, Rich.

It almost makes you
want to be in a tornado.

You were, Potsie.

I forgot.

- Oh, that hypnosis part, that was amazing.
- Yeah.

Yeah, and to think all
the guy did was just this.

Hey, good evening, my family.

- Aw...
- Fonz.

How are you, Mrs. C.?

Oh, there you are, Artie.

Now, about that
crummy jacket of yours.

Say good-bye, Ralph.

- Oh, Fonz...
- Oh!

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These are such happy days. ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪