Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 6, Episode 17 - Smokin' Ain't Cool - full transcript

New member Joanie Cunningham worries that the Magnets, the coolest girl's club in school, will dump her if she doesn't smoke cigarettes like the rest of them.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪



Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

Hey, here's-here's Rich.

Watch me give him the big sell.

- Right.
- Come on, come on.

Big sell. Hey, Rich, Rich!

- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Rich.

How about buying
a chinchilla coat?

Nah.

You sure you didn't
pressure him too much?

All right, now tell me.
What are you guys up to?

Uh, Ralphie and I here
are, uh, chinchilla moguls.

We have a ranch.

Yeah. In the bathtub.

Two chinchillas.

Yeah. I named them
Herman and Harry.

Herman and Harry?

Yeah.

Potsie, you bought two males?

Yeah, they were cheaper.

Besides, boys
are easier to raise.

Oh.

Explain it to him, Ralph.

It'll be easier to go
out and buy a female.

- Atención.
- Hold that snap, Fonz!

All right, Fonz, you want to
know a good way to get girls?

Oh, golly gee, Ralphie.

Girls?

Do you think I could?

- Well, let me put it another way, Fonz.
- Okay.

How about a nice chinchilla
seat for your motorcycle?

Just think, you'd be like
the Liberace of motorcycles.

Hey, how would
you like a candelabra

coming out of your ear?

I don't think I'd
like that, Fonz.

That's right. Excuse me. Whoa.

All right, girls, off
to the drive-in, huh?

Now, remember, keep
your hands on the handlebars

when I jump the fence.

Now... you hold the
popcorn, you hold the speaker,

the rest of you hold me.

Whoa! Let's go...

Okay, Rich, okay, you
say you don't want a coat.

- How about a vest for $2,000?
- Huh?

All right, all right, earmuffs.

$500 an ear.

Better make that $600.

You'll love being a Magnet.

You've already done your
pledge time, so next is the carnival.

- That's raise-the-money time.
- Uh-huh.

- And then is the weekend social.
- Uh-huh.

You know what time that is.

- Yeah. Hunk time.
- Hey, uh,

someone give me a light, huh?

Here, Joanie, have another.

Oh, no. I just ditched one.

I'm trying to cut down.

Well, uh, we're all having 'em.

What, are you afraid
somebody might see you?

No.

Uh... okay.

Take one of mine.
You're a Magnet now.

Mmm. Smooth.

Hey, Rich, that's Joanie!

Joanie's in the Magnets.

Oh, yeah.

Good social club, you
know, nice bunch of girls.

Ah, she's really growing up.

Yeah, I'll say. She's
smoking and everything.

What?! No, she's not smo...

Oh, yeah?

Joanie, could I speak to you
for a moment over here, please?

Excuse me.

- Are you smoking?!
- No!

Funny! Very funny!

All right, when
did you start to...?

So I smoke. But
you listen, Richie.

You better not embarrass
me in front of the Magnets.

Well, no.

Of course I'm not going to...

Wait a minute. I'm
the older brother here.

I'm the one giving the lecture.

Well, it was worth a try.

All right, I'm gonna
ask some questions,

and I want some answers.

Now, exactly when
did you start smoking?

Recently.

Good. It'll be
easier for you to quit.

Aw, come on. Everybody does it.

Everybody does it.

I suppose you think it makes
you look real important, huh?

It doesn't. It doesn't.

It makes you look like
a stupid little kid, a child.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, you don't see many
children with a shape like mine.

Ah. So you're a shapely kid.

You're still a kid.

And puff, puff, puff.

I mean, you look
like a little baby.

An immature little
baby, a tiny, tiny baby.

That's end of argument.

Hey, Joanie, I hardly
recognized you.

You look so much, uh, older.

I think it's the cigarette.

Now... end of argument.

I say when it's
end of arguments!

Now...

end of argument.

Uh... uh, uh, just a minute.

Oh. Ooh. Okay, okay, okay.

Wait. Hold it. Hold it.

Come in.

Oh, Richie, it's only you.

Well, it's always
nice to see you, too.

Now, look, I'm-I'm sorry
that I... blew up at Arnold's,

and, uh, can we talk now?

Oh, why not?

- We're both adults.
- Adult?! Y-You see that?

Now, I wasn't even treated

like an adult until
last year, and...

Richie, you're blowing up again.

I know, I know. I'm
sorry. It's just that...

Oh, man, when I saw
you smoking there,

Joanie, it-it really upset me.

- Oh, Ri-Richie, um...
- Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Are there ashes on my tongue?

- No!
- Well, you're lucky!

- Oh.
- Oh, Joanie.

Smoking at home...
That's terrible.

You-You're going to
become a chain smoker. You...

- I will not.
- Oh, will you look at that?

Yup, this is it. You're hooked.

Well, it may be
nothing now, but...

but wait till it starts
getting really bad,

and you're groping
around in the gutter

just hoping to find a butt.

Gutter?! Ha!

Listen, you mind your
own business, bucko.

Bucko, bucko, bucko!

That's it.

You give me that back!

Oh, not until you
promise to quit.

Come on, Rich, you
have no right. Give it back!

I am not gonna give
you this back, Joanie.

- It's mine. You don't smoke...
- It is mine now. I've got...

- No, Joanie.
- It is not yours.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey,
that's enough, you two.

You're brother and sister.

I don't see why
you can't get along.

Richard!

Oh, Howard, Richard is smoking.

I see, Marion.

Richard, what is
the meaning of this?

Have you been smoking
behind our backs?

No!

And in front of
your little sister.

Now don't tell me

you just now decided
to try it for the first time.

- No, no, but I...
- Oh, Richard, and after...

After your father had
that long talk with you.

Oh.

You did have that long talk
with him, didn't you, Howard?

Marion, I've had
enough talks with him

to take him to his old age!

Richard, this is very serious.

You're going to have
to be punished for this.

We're going to
have to ground him.

Dad, I'm in college now.

I'm a sophomore.

They don't do that
to sophomores.

Oh. Well, how about if we
take your car away from you?

They do that to sophomores.

Uh, Dad, I-I don't think

you're gonna have
to punish Richie.

Oh, Joanie, that's
very commendable,

sticking up for your brother.

It certainly is, sweetheart.
There, you see?

Now why can't you
be like your sister?

Uh,

M-Mom, Dad, Richie
wasn't smoking.

I was.

Oh, Joanie, that's not
commendable at all.

You get downstairs, young lady.

We're gonna have a little talk.

Come on, Marion.

Oh.

We're sorry, Richard.

But you did have a
cigarette in your hand.

Oh, this is a
mother's nightmare!

Thanks for taking
the heat, Rich.

Ah, that's okay.

It's gonna get a lot hotter.

A lot hotter.

Joanie, I just
don't understand it.

Your mother doesn't
smoke, and I don't smoke.

- I don't smoke.
- Nobody in this family smokes!

Well, that's not
quite true, Howard.

My mother started when she
was a girl, and she never stopped.

We're not talking
about cigars, Marion!

Now, look, Joanie,
just tell me why.

Does it make you feel
important, or-or glamorous?

You think it's glamorous to
go around with yellow fingers?

Incidentally, you can take
the yellow out with lemon juice.

Do you mind?

I'll handle this.

Now, both of you
just sit down, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry, Howard.
I won't say anything.

- It's all right.
- Me, neither.

Now, Joanie...

I won't say that smoking
leads to heart attacks.

Yeah, and lung disease.

Joanie...

I won't say anything
about some people thinking

that smoking might
lead to cancer.

Yeah, and all that tar and
garbage gets into your system,

turns your lungs black.

Will you two stop it?!

Oh, I'm sorry. So, I'm sorry.

Talk to Joanie.

Just tell her that...

You tell her that kissing
someone who smokes

- is like kissing an ashtray.
- Yeah.

Oh, Marion,
please, let me fin...

Well, now, how would
anybody know anything

about kissing an ashtray?

Don't look at me.

I'm a lamp man, myself.

Uh, if you're through
with me, can I go upstairs?

No, you can't.

Now you listen
to me, young lady.

I forbid you to smoke anymore.

And if you continue
with this nonsense,

you're going to be
grounded for so long

that you're gonna grow roots.

Why don't you let
me live my own life?

I'm older now.

Why can't you let me
make my own decisions?

She's a young adult.

More young than adult.

All right. You want to
make your own decisions?

You can try it.

You go ahead and
make your own decisions.

We'd like you to stop smoking.

Well... I'll think about it.

Think about it?!
Go to your room!

- Howard...
- All right, all right.

You can think about
it, that'll be fine.

Dad... I don't want to say

you play favorites
or anything, but, uh...

How come you just gave
her my 18-year-old speech,

and she's only 16?

Because girls mature faster.

Ah.

Hi, fellas.

- Hey, Mr. C.
- Hi, Dad.

Hiya, Howie.

- Want to buy a nice chinchilla coat?
- Yeah.

No, thanks, Ralphie.
I like cashmere.

Hey, Malph, maybe we
should raise cashmeres.

Boys, do you mind? I
would like to talk to my son.

Oh. Yeah.

Sure. Move over, Rich.
Make room for Daddy.

Alone.

- We can take a hint.
- All right.

- So long. Come on.
- See ya.

- See ya.
- Have a nice talk.

Yeah.

Hey, Malph, Malph,

Mr. C came a long
way just to see Rich.

Must be something big.

Yeah. I bet a girl
got him in trouble.

Mr. C? Nah.

Not Mr. C. Oh, Potsie.

Dad, I'm fine, school's fine.

Now, what are you doing
here? Is there something wrong?

Well, yes, Richard.

- Ah.
- It's Joanie.

- Hi, Howard.
- Hello, Al.

Why the long face?

You don't eat here.

Oh.

It's Joanie, Al. She
started to smoke.

Yeah, I know. I saw her.

And I told her.

Well, Richard, what do
you think we ought to...?

You know,

I once dated a girl who smoked.

And I told her, "When you
stop smoking, give me a call."

That was 1934.

Or was it '35?

- It was '35, Al.
- '35.

Yeah, yup, yup.

I just don't know, Richard.

- Kids.
- Yeah, kids.

Try to save them a little hurt,

you give them the
benefit of your experience.

Well, they won't listen.

No, they got to go out and
find things out for themselves.

Never changes.

Children just do not listen

to their parents today.

I remember the first
time I didn't listen to you.

Mm. Oh, wasn't that the time

with the girl with the big,
uh... uh, angora sweater?

You better believe it.

Yeah. I didn't think you'd
listen to me on that one.

Yeah.

Listen, Richard, maybe

if-if you had a talk
with Joanie, huh?

Dad, they won't listen
to older brothers, either.

Hey.

How you guys doing?

What you doing here, Mr. C?

You getting some fudge
ripple for your family, huh?

♪ Ah, ooh, wah... ♪

I understand this
is a private convo.

♪ Wah, ooh ♪

♪ Wah, wah ♪

♪ Wah, ooh, wah... ♪

You're both staring.

Is there a hair out of place?

Just tell me which one...
What numb... what number?

He numbers his hair?

Uh, I'll explain
that later. Fonz?

- Yeah.
- Uh, this is about Joanie.

Hey, shortcake. How
is the apple of my eye?

Your apple is smoking.

♪ Ooh, wah... ♪

Joanie is smoking cigarettes?

- Yup.
- I'm afraid so, Fonz.

Who's selling 'em to her?

I'll shove the butts
right up his nose.

Oh, Fonz, you can't
punch out everybody

who sells cigarettes
in Milwaukee.

- You want to bet?
- Fonz.

- What, what?
- No. Well, there's no time for that.

Yeah, we-we got to
do something right now.

All right. All right, you guys
leave it up to me, all right?

I mean, after all, Joanie
is, uh, family, you know.

I mean, she's my
number one chick, right?

If she don't stop smoking...

Whoa.

I mean, you know, I...

Whoa!

A two-whoa talk.

Mm. Yes, but will she listen?

Come in.

Fonzie?

What's shaking, shortcake?

Well, this is the first time you've
seen my room. How come?

Oh, I-I figure I'd
be a neighbor,

you know, real friendly like.

I was just passing
down the corridor.

I thought I'd stop in,
say hello, you know.

- Hey, that's great Elvis, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Number two Elvis, hey?
That's even better, huh?

Bobby Darin.

♪ Splish splash, I was... ♪

Are you nutso, smoking?!

All right, Fonzie, I'm
through with all the lectures.

Hey, I don't lecture.

I'm just gonna ask you
one simple question,

and then listen.

You really like to smoke?

Yeah. There's nothing
like a good ciggy.

You know, light up with friends,

relax, a few laughs.

A couple more of those and,
uh, your nose is gonna grow.

All right, it's the Magnets.

They're the most
popular club at Jefferson.

Who do you think
made them so popular?

Well... I'm in with the Magnets,

and-and most of
'em smoke, and...

And you're afraid
that if you don't,

they're going to dump
you and call you chicken.

That's not it, Fonzie.

I'm a high school junior.

I beg your pardon.

Sit down for a minute.

Let me tell you something.

The hardest thing to do is
to do what you want to do.

You know what a breeze
it is to join the crowd,

be led around by your nose?

You ain't nobody till you
do what you want to do.

But I want to be in this club.

Well, let me put it another way.

Smoking ain't cool.

The Magnets are cool.

My humility usually
don't permit me

to ask this particular question.

Who is the coolest of cool?

Well, you are.

Yeah, that's true.

Now, if the Fonz don't smoke,

what does that tell
you about smoking?

That the Fonz doesn't smoke.

But some of the cool kids do.

You gonna give
up smoking or not?

Well, I don't know, Fonzie.

All right, end of convo.

- Fonz?
- Yeah, what?

If I don't smoke, the
Magnets will dump me.

Let me plant two
things in your brain.

You're my favorite shortcake.

And number two... If
you don't stop smoking,

your body is gonna dump you.

And I'm crazy about you.

Whoa.

Well, guys, how's the
chinchilla business?

They gave it up
when they found out

you have to kill
'em to get the skins.

They thought they
would just shed.

I was gonna shave 'em.

But it's tough to make
a chinchilla go like this.

I still got it, even
in big business.

So, anyway, they're, uh...
they're into greeting cards now.

That's right, Al. We
got 'em for all occasions.

How many do you want?

Well, I'll take one
for Lincoln's birthday.

Lincoln's dead.

Sam Lincoln is dead?

I just saw him this morning.

Well, you never know.

So, Joanie, you're in charge
of decorations for this weekend.

Right. I've got a great idea.

Salute to the varsity.

We get the whole
team and a huge cake

and have 'em pop out of it.

Great idea. Hey, wait.

That means there will
be two guys for each girl.

Uh-huh, I know.

Guys.

- Hey, Fonz.
- Hi, Fonz.

No date tonight?

Wash your mouth out.

Hey, Fonz,

we're in the greeting
card business now.

- Want to buy some?
- Yeah.

Oh, now, that's different, yeah.

All right, I'll take about
a thousand of this one

that says "I love you,
you are the only one."

A thousand "You're
the only one"?

That's right. I have this urge

to spread hope
all over the world.

Yeah. It's Joanie.
She's gonna...

Kiss?

No, no, Joanie's gonna smoke.

Oh, smoke.

All right, I'll
take care of this.

No, Fonz, wait.

You got to let her
handle this herself.

I'll give her five seconds
to change her mind.

All right, thanks.

Here, Joanie, light up.

I'll teach you how to
do the French inhale.

Oh.

Uh... no.

I don't smoke.

Why not? You chicken?

No, I'm not chicken.

I just don't want it.

Well, come on, Joanie.
I mean, it's not too cool.

Oh, well, I've been
thinking about cool,

and I decided
everyone should decide

what's best for themselves.

And I don't think
smoking is cool.

So, what do you say, Angela?

Who do you want in the
Magnets? Me or my lungs?

Take it easy, Joanie.
We-we want you.

Okay. No cigarettes.

Boy, you got guts. Wish I had.

Maybe then I wouldn't
be up to two packs a day.

I did save enough coupons to
get my dad a new bowling ball.

Well, I proved
one thing to myself.

Now I have to prove another.

Uh... hi, Jim.

Hi, Joanie.

Uh, remember you told me I
was grown up because I smoked?

Yeah?

Uh, well, I don't smoke anymore.

What do you say now?

I was wrong.

I... I guess... it
wasn't the cigarettes.

- Uh.
- Want to dance?

You bet.

Now I've made my
own decision now,

and I've given up
smoking for good.

Well, Joanie, I am
so proud of you.

You're gonna be a lot
happier, too, when you get older.

- Oh.
- Hello?

Oh, Ann, uh, just a minute.

It's Ann Hanson.

She wants to know if we're going

to that silly Leopard Lodge
party at the Pfister Hotel.

Oh, gosh, how I
hate those parties.

Everybody throwing water
bags out the hotel windows.

Tell her "yes."

Oh, yes? Why are you going, Dad?

Well, it's the Leopard Lodge.

Everybody'll be there.

It just wouldn't be right.

You know, you're doing
just what I did with smoking.

Doing it because
everyone else does it.

You know something?
You're right.

Tell her we're not going.

Ann, I'm-I'm so sorry.

- Good, Dad.
- We're not going to be able to make it.

- I'm proud of you.
- Maybe next time.

Okay. Bye-bye.

We'll go to a movie instead.

Uh, dear, I thought
we were going,

and I just spent
$37 on a new dress.

$37?!

Marion, go to your room!

What?!

I'll be up there
in a few minutes.

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Happy and free ♪
- ♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

- ♪ Share them with me ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪