Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Muckrakers - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪



♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Dream... ♪

♪ Dream, dream, dream ♪

♪ Dream... ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

♪ When I want you in my arms ♪

♪ When I want you... ♪

Ralph, here... this is
your hamburger... eat.

Oh, no, thanks, Al, I can't.

My tummy hurts, too.

Your tummy?

Gut Fonz, gut.

You know, like the
regular guys say: "Gut."

Wait a minute, is it my food?

It can't be.

This is my mother's own recipe.

She gave it to me
for my 21st birthday.

I can still remember it.

I wanted a car.

Just take it easy, Al.

It's not your food.

It's the school's food.

Yeah. Good!

I mean, terrible.

You know, something
must be going around,

because so many kids are sick.

Lookit, the place is half empty.

I'm afraid this Turkey
Hop is going to be a flop.

But I don't care.

I can handle it, no problem.

I can.

I really don't feel good.

Hey guys, guess what happened...

Hey, you started
sucking your thumb again.

Good one, Fonz, good one.

Not so good.

I loosened my cap biting
in to my meat loaf at school.

Must have been well done.

Hey, good one Malph, good one.

I still got it.

I'm a man in pain,
but I still got it.

Yeah, there was a
bone in my meat loaf.

Look, I saved it. Oh, yeah?
What are you going to do with it,

put it under your pillow and wait
to get a dollar from the bone fairy?

Well, this could be serious.

Upset stomachs,
bones in the food.

You know, ever since the
school got that new cook,

the food has been terrible.

Oh, what are you talking about?

I mean, all school food
is... How do you say it?

Crud.

Yeah, but this isn't
even your everyday crud.

Yeah? Well, then stop whining
about it and do something, huh?

There, Mr. Pad and Pencil?

Yeah, I could write a
story for the school paper.

Are you kidding?

You can't beat the system.

Yeah, you're right.

You'll get expelled.

Yeah, you're right.

Aren't you always talking
about being a star reporter?

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, but you
can't go to college

if you get thrown
out of high school.

Yeah, you're right.

If you don't have
"intestine" fortitude

to write the truth, forget it.

Yeah, you're right.

And you're right.

Oh, look at me, I'm wishy-washy.

He's right. He's
right. You're right.

I'm a senior, and I'm
still not a tough reporter,

but I'm gonna become one.

He's right. This is
a very good story.

The wire services might
want to pick up on this.

Every kid in America will
want to read about this:

Scandal in School Cafeteria.

Extra, extra!

Dateline Milwaukee.

Hey, hey, stop the
presses, will you?

Whoa!

Hey, listen, you guys, you, uh,
finish discussing this problem

'cause I got something
better to do and... you don't.

Mom, this won't work.

Trust me.

Your father will fly into a rage

and he'll say "Over
my dead body!"

Then you'll act discouraged

and go up and put on the
dress you really want to buy.

That's how I handle your father.

Gee, marriage is fun.

Howard? HOWARD: Yeah?

Joanie wants your opinion
on a new outfit, dear.

Okay.

Wants a man's
point of view, huh?

All righty.

♪ Ta-da! ♪

Well?

Over my dead body.

Oh, darn, I don't
think he likes it.

Oh, but everybody's
wearing short shorts.

If that was any shorter,
it would be a belt.

Oh, gee.

Poor dear, I think her
little heart is broken.

Well, Marion, I'm sorry
if I hurt her feelings,

but years from
now, she'll thank me.

Dear, you just had a big dinner,

I wish you wouldn't nibble.

Mom, Dad!

Mom, Dad! Over here.

Oh, good.

I got it.

I got a story right
here that's gonna blow

the whole Jefferson
cafeteria scandal wide open.

Listen to this:

Headline, "Tables Turned
on School Cafeteria."

You get it? Tables turned?

Isn't he clever?

Go ahead, Scoop.

All right...

"Byline, Richie Cunningham.

Several students barely
escaped death recently..."

Barely escaped death?

Yeah, Dad.

Ralph and I had upset stomachs.

It could have been gas.

May I go on, Mom?

Oh let him go on, Howard.

Go on, Richie.

"Informed sources report
excessive traces of bone

"and other foreign
matter in the meat loaf..."

What informed sources?

Well, it sounds better than
saying Potsie found a bone

in the meat loaf.

There are no bones in meat loaf.

Oh, yeah, what does
that look like, gravy?

That looks like a bone.

That's why I'm
saving it for evidence.

Oh, come on, Richie,

are you really gonna
turn this story in?

Sure, I am. Why
not? It's the truth.

What truth?

You don't have any facts.

I've got plenty of facts.

You haven't got a
stitch of evidence.

I've got piles of evidence.

Name one pile.

All right.

Okay, how about the...

Well, then there's the...

And then we got...

There's Potsie's bone.

Oh. You already know about that.

All right, okay, so I
got to find a few facts

to fill in some holes.

I'm not a tough reporter yet,

but I'm gonna become
one, Dad, you wait and see.

I'm gonna get you evidence
that you won't believe.

Well, I guess you're not
gonna like this either, huh, Dad?

Oh, that's very nice.

I like that.

Keeps you all covered up.

That's all right if she buys it?

Right, Howard?

Of course.

Well, now, we'll just
return the other one.

Why do they pull this
trick on me every year?

It's not bad.

Leave me alone,
would you, Curly?

I don't want to buy any
tickets to the Turkey Hop.

What am I, a child?

All I want to do is
get this stuff loaded.

Now what grade meat is this?

U.S. Bad Choice.

Listen, I'm getting a
little nervous, Curly.

Those kids around school,

they haven't been
looking too good lately.

Will you relax, Louie?

And wait until
we start switching

the vegetables
on them next week.

I don't want to hear
about that, okay?

All I want you to do
is take this good meat

and sell it to that
fancy restaurant, okay?

Now let's go.

Hey, kid, what are
you doing here?

Just sweeping.

Oh... are you the new janitor...

That, uh, that foreign
exchange student?

Ya.

Ya, that's me, I the new
foreign exchange student.

I'm Gunnar Lindquist.

I work a little after
school, cleaning up,

and making little extra
money with my bootseen.

Your what?

My bootseen.

My... Swedish for my broom.

Yeah, well, listen,
how do you say

"finish up and get
lost" in Swedish?

Volvo.

Well, you better
do it quick, kid.

Hey, you know, I always
thought Volvo was a car.

So did I, Louie.

All right, put up your hands.

But I'm the jan...

Oh, Fonz, what
are you doing here?

Malph told me
what you were up to,

and I wanted to see

how an investigative
reporter worked, huh?

Hey, can you see through these?

Oh, Fonz...

Fonz, I am really
on to something.

I've been watching
these guys all day long.

Yeah? Let me take a
picture of you in this outfit.

You look great. No, Fonz,
this is not a very good time...

Stand there, smile... hold
your broom... here we go.

The cook is coming back and...

Hey, hey, hey, smile,
then talk... all right.

Do me a favor, get up
against the counter here.

Get up against the counter.

All right, hold it, hold it.

Oh that's great, that's great.

All right, now talk This is
bigger than I thought, Fonz.

They're selling the good meat,

and they're giving the
bad meat to the kids.

I got to take some
pictures of this stuff.

Hey, listen, Fonz, could
you take the pictures?

'Cause, 'cause,
see, I want to look

in the books for a minute, okay?

I'll explain later.

Oh, this is really
big time... Aw...

These guys are
really crooked, I...

Fonz, you're not
taking any pictures.

I can't take any pictures.

Yeah, well, I know
it's bad meat, Fonz,

but see, that's why we
want to take pictures of it.

It's not the meat,
it's that in the pan.

Oh, well, this is good, Fonz.

There's nothing wrong with this.

It's just liver.

Get that away from me!

Everybody has got weaknesses.

Superman had kryptonite.

Fonz, are you afraid of liver?

I am not afraid! No!

I'm not afraid. Just
get it away from me!

You just don't like it
'cause it's all wet-looking

and drippy, and brown.

Hey, listen, how would you like
to be wet and drippy and brown?

I wouldn't like that. I'll
take the pictures, Fonz.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, I don't like
that, I don't eat that,

and I don't go around with
guys that hang out with that.

Ugh! Yuck!

Hey, hey, kid, what are
you doing with the camera?

I just taking some
pictures for my cousin, Ole.

Smile.

Great, I'll see you later.

Hey, that kid was watching us.

He's gonna turn us in!
We could go to prison!

I hope not.

I heard the food stinks.

Sure, sure, I'll give you
an autograph, here you go.

Scoop Cunningham.

Hey, you know, I'm his
buddy, I helped him write it.

Come on, guys, we
should be rehearsing.

The Turkey Hop's tomorrow night.

Don't worry
Pots, this is better.

You're right.

Here, I'll sign anything.

Oh, a note for me? Thank you.

Oh, I can't do that.

I can.

My folks are out of town.

All right, girls, let's split.

Wait... Wait a minute,
who wrote the note?

Wait a minute, girls, who
wrote the note? Tell me!

Cunningham, uh...
I want to thank you.

I heard that you
mentioned me in your article.

Of course I did, Fonz.

I never would've written
the article if it wasn't for you.

Yeah, that's true.

Hey, Fonz, not only were you
right about the administration

not being mad at me,
but I'm now a star reporter.

Hey, what did I tell you, Scoop?

You print the truth,
you're in like Flynn, huh?

Yeah, you're right. I'm
printing a follow-up story, too.

It's the story behind the story.

I'm calling it "The
Story Behind the Story."

That's very clever.

Want a preview, Fonz?

Yeah, sure... let me see that.

Yeah.

Hey, that's great.

You put in the part about
your, uh, your disguise.

Yeah. That was funny.

And about me
taking the pictures.

That's good, that's good.

Oh, oh... excuse me
for a minute, okay?

Sure.

No, now wait a minute,
Fonz. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just
crossing out this part

about me and the liver.

No, no, Fonz, you
can't cross out that part.

You see, that's
part of the story.

That's why I didn't get
pictures of the meat.

Hey, listen, Richie,

the rest of this
article is terrific.

I just don't want
that part about me

and the liver, you know.

Yeah, but it's the truth,

and you said to
always print the truth.

Not this truth.

That's censorship.

Hey, it's got nothing
to do with censorship.

This ain't going in
the article, that's all.

Fonz, this is very
interesting, you know.

It's like the Lone Ranger.

Everybody's always
trying to pull off his mask.

I wouldn't do that.

But don't you see that this is
why this is such a great story?

Because I'm
pulling off the mask.

But it's my mask!

Fonz, it's no big deal.

So what if you're
scared of liver.

Will you keep that down?

Fonz, it's a humorous
sidelight, that's all.

It doesn't hurt
anybody, and it's true.

So I'm printing it.

After everything
I've done for you?

I give you advice about chicks,
I protect you from bullies...

But you're also the one
who told me about truth

and intestinal fortitude.

Cunningham, let
me just put it this way:

If you don't rewrite the story,
I'm going to rewrite your face.

Well, I know your
reputation, Fonz,

but you are now dealing
with a tough reporter.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. And just remember,

the pen is mightier
than the sword.

Ah.

Sometimes.

Well, all right, Fonz,

you just do what you have to do,

but I'm printing every
word of this story.

All right.

All right, I'm not
going to work you over.

Just listen to me

'cause I'm only going
to say this one time.

We are no longer friends.

Oh, now wait a minute, Fonz.

Oh, there's one more thing,
Cunningham, one more thing.

Former friends don't talk.

You gotta be kidding.

After everything we've
been through together?

I don't believe this.

I believe it.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la... ♪

Oh, I tell you, Marion,

looking at these old
slides is just terrific.

Hey, when was the last
time I weighed 150 pounds?

Are you feeding a bear?

Uh-huh.

Yellowstone Park, 1945.

Hello.

Hi, Fonz.

Oh, Arthur.

Hey, Mrs. C, how's everything?

Nice to see you.

Arthur, can you fix
my sewing machine?

You're so good at
that kind of thing.

Hey, sure I can.

You've got nice
legs there, Shortcake.

Mr. C., you shouldn't
be looking at that

with ladies in the room.

What's that?

You got a bear, a chubby
kid and a skinny guy.

You know these people?

That's us!

Aw, what a cute family.

Would you mind fixing
the machine, please?

Yeah, sure.

Mom, could you put
some cuffs on these

and keep them the same length?

Hey, uh, I'm
really sorry, Mrs. C.

This is the other model,
it's way beyond repair.

You've got to send this out.

Oh, Arthur, now
you always fix it.

You just do like this.

Mrs. C., I think
you're mistaken.

I only repair cars.

Let me tell you something.

I did that for you, Shortcake,

not Scoop over here.

Good-bye, Shortcake.

Good-bye, Mr. C., Mrs. C.

What was that all about?

Oh, it's nothing.

I got the dope.

Oh, you don't
know anything at all.

Fonzie broke Richie's pen

and they're not talking
to each other now.

Oh, that's what you think it is?

My friend was there...

Okay, okay, you two.

Look, I want to talk to
Richie alone for a minute.

I know what happened,

because Jenny Piccolo was there.

Tell me about it upstairs.

Tell me from the beginning.

The pen sounds like the end.

Jenny Piccolo went to
Arnold's to meet boys...

Jenny Piccolo is boy crazy.

I know, she's teaching
me everything! Oh!

Did you and Fonzie have a fight?

Yeah, he's getting worked
up over nothing. Mm.

Not wanting me to tell that
he's squeamish about liver.

Isn't it crazy to
be scared of liver?

Not to him.

Why do you want to write this
story about Fonzie, anyway?

Because I'm a tough reporter.

And it's the truth, and
it should be printed.

Oh, and a lot of people
will run to read it, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's good reporting.

It's good business
and I'm tough.

Tell me something, how
would you feel if you found out

that Stan Musial
was afraid of the dark?

"Stan the Man"
afraid of the dark?

But he plays all
those night games,

standing out there all
alone in the outfield.

How could Stan the
Man be afraid of the dark?

He couldn't, I
just made that up.

Oh, Dad. Richie...

My whole point
is, that if somebody

does something wrong,
and it harms people,

well, then it's
your job to report it.

And you did your job very well.

I mean, the cook
and his accomplice,

they've both been grabbed.

But to print a story
just to shock people

and sell a few papers,
I think that's wrong.

Well, well, what if this
story was about a stranger?

What if it wasn't
about a friend of mine?

Friendship's got
nothing to do with it.

Look, Fonzie is a hero
in the neighborhood.

Now, if he hasn't
done anything wrong,

why do you want to hurt him?

Dad, are you
saying, as a father,

that I can't print this article?

I am just saying that I've
seen enough of these stories

hurt a lot of people.

It's just my opinion.

Okay.

I have my own
opinions, you know, Dad.

I'm a senior.

Yes, you are.

All right, take it easy, Al.

It'll work out.

No, it's not going to work out.

We rehearsed all
week. Relax, relax.

Hi, guys. POTSIE
& RALPH: Hey, Rich.

Hey, I like that,
Al. How's it going?

How's it going?

The Turkey Hop is a turkey.

Oh, well, that's cute,

but, uh, what's going
on around here?

Keep it low, will you, Rich?

Yeah, Fonzie wants it quiet.

Oh. Where is Fonzie?
He's in his office.

I better go talk to him.
I wouldn't do that, Rich.

Yeah, right after he
said he wanted quiet,

he said no one was allowed
to mention your name.

Yeah, just to be safe,

Richie Buckhalter changed
his name to Herman Katz.

I can do this.

Liver. Hey, I did it.

Fonz?

Hey, I heard a sound,
but that's impossible,

because the person
knows not to talk to me.

Come on, Fonz.

This article thing is getting

completely out of hand.

I think we ought to have a talk

about this article thing.

Hey, I don't care
about your article.

Because by the
time it comes out,

I will have my problem solved.

Liver...

Aaayyh...

is chock full...

I know, it's chock full
of vitamins and minerals,

and very good for you,
and none of that matters

because I'm cutting
that out of my article.

Who cares if Stan Musial

is afraid of the dark?

Stan the Man is
afraid of the dark?

I don't know.

Then why did you say it?

I was just trying
to make a point.

Well, being a star reporter,

you ain't doing
such a hot job, huh?

What I'm trying to
say, Fonz, is that

I was all wrong about the liver.

I know that.

I just, I just
couldn't understand

why you got so upset about it.

I will tell you
why I'm so upset.

A lot of people try to take
the Lone Ranger's mask off,

but Tonto never tried.

Yeah. Yeah, I understand.

Yeah.

Hey, look at this.

Alfred gave me
this for my office.

It is a hand dryer, huh?

Dig that, huh?

No, no, no... Wash
your hands first,

it's more fun wet. Oh, right.

Alfred,

you look like you just fell off

a box of Dutch Masters cigars.

Could you smile
just a little bit?

Come on, smile. Yeah, Al, smile.

Oh, how can I smile when
my Turkey Hop is dying?

Don't worry about it.

It's gonna be all right. - Sure.

Hey, why all the
long faces here?

This is a festive hop.

I want to see you smile.

Now, that's better, yeah.

Let's groove it and hop here.

All right, Fonz, a little music.

Great! Okay.

Come on up, Al. Right here.

Right in the middle.

♪ Sha-boom, sha-boom ♪

♪ Ya-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da dum ♪

♪ Sha-boom, sha-boom ♪

♪ Ya-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da, da ♪

♪ Sha-boom, sha-boom ♪

♪ Ya-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da dum ♪

♪ Sha-boom ♪
♪ Waa-waa, waa, waa... ♪

♪ Sha-boom, sha-boom ♪

♪ Ya-da-da, da-da-da,
da-da-da, da... ♪

Oh, the dance
was just wonderful.

Do just one more number.

Anything for you, Mrs. C.

What do you want to hear, Mom?

Do my favorite.

Oh, we know that one, guys.

I got to find the
music to that one.

That's nostalgia.

Fonzie, are you sure

you want to go
through with this?

I know what I'm doing, Mr. C.

You know it's not necessary.

I gotta do it.

Okay.

All right, Al, bring it in!

Here's your song, Mrs. C.

♪ When you walk
through a storm ♪

♪ Hold your head up high ♪

♪ And don't be
afraid of the dark ♪

♪ At the end of a storm ♪

♪ Is a golden sky ♪

♪ And the sweet
silver sound of a lark ♪

♪ Walk on through the wind ♪

♪ Walk on through the rain ♪

♪ Though your dreams
be tossed and torn ♪

♪ Walk on, walk on ♪

♪ With faith in your heart ♪

♪ And you'll never walk alone ♪

♪ You'll never ♪

♪ Walk alone. ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days. ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪