Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Last of the Big Time Malphs - full transcript

Novice bookmaker, Ralph Malph, loses his shirt on a football game and must face his father to avoid the fists of a street tough named Bruiser.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪



♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ I'm walkin', yes, indeed ♪

♪ I'm talkin' ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

♪ That you'll come back to me ♪

♪ I'm lonely... ♪

Why do you let me walk
backwards all the time?

Okay, put it on the
table here, Tony.

Okay. Set it down nice and easy.

Oh, good. Excuse me.

Lift up my side.

That's pain.

Plug it in now, would you?

Girls, girls...

♪ I'm hopin' that you'll
come back to me ♪

Girls, time out here,
girls, time out here.

Will you just calm down?

All right, now,
Doris, come here.

You are a terrific driver.
You dig it? Terrific.

Next time, just keep
your hands on the wheel.

That ain't too much
to ask, you know?

Hey, all right.

Excuse me, Fonzie.
I need your advice.

Yeah?

Do you think the
TV set there is okay?

Al, I got other
problems on my mind.

My bike is busted...
Can you dig it?

I mean, I got 50 chicks
here dying to drive me home.

Well, what we're going to do

is we're going to have
all the football games now

and in color. Whoopee, Al.

Yeah, well, it's going
to be a big thing,

I mean, since Ralph
started gambling

with those football cards.

Yeah, I'll tell you something.

That bubblegum king is
getting out of hand, huh?

What do you think
of the new Ralph?

I think I like the
old one better.

All right, all right, all right.

Now, girls... girls,
when I get back,

I'm going to have the answer

to who can drive
me home, all right?

So just... just keep calm.

Have your driver's
license ready.

No learner's permits.

This is private, girls.

All right, all right,
step right up!

The big game is about to start.

Put your bets down.

College or pro.

All you need is
three teams to win.

Taking candy from a
baby, right, doll face?

Right, sugar lips.

Sugar lips. Thank you.

Okay, check off
your three teams.

Malph, get your
hockey stuff together.

Game starts in 30 minutes.

Sheila, I don't believe
you've met the boys.

Richie and Potsie,

my very close friend
Sheila. Charmed.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Ralph, come on.
You got to help us out,

We got a game.

Okay, okay. Will you
excuse me, baby?

Ooh! Anything

you say, sugar lips.

Boys.

Sugar lips, huh?

How about that Sheila?

There's one manicurist
who can curl your cuticles!

We're talking about
hockey, not cuticles.

Gentlemen, I have a
business to run here.

Yeah, but... but
you're our goalie.

Without you, what
chance do we have

against the Shotz Hot Shots?

Very little.

What's with you, Malph?

Ever since you took
over this football pool,

we haven't been
able to talk to you.

You can still talk to me.

The only difference
is now it costs money.

All right,

any three teams to win,

college or pro, dollar minimum,

dollar gets you ten. Forget it.

Like my rings, guys?

Wait a minute. You're
giving ten to one?

Uh-huh.

All right, I'll take
one of those.

Here you go.

Rich, I'll need a dollar.

I'm good for it.

Oh, yeah. You're my friend.

Okay, I'll give
you till tonight.

Malph, are you
playing hockey or not?

One second, Pots.

Wake Forest?

You're picking Wake
Forest to beat Notre Dame?

I like the points.

Some guys will do anything
to throw away their money.

See you, Pots.

Keep going for those
long shots, Richie.

Okay, okay, one
hour till game time!

Put down your bets.

Bruiser!

Take a card.

He's even taking
a bet from Bruiser.

He's sick.

Oh, yeah, but he's rich.

Hey, sugar lips!

Hey, baby.

Girls!

Hey. Fonz, Fonz, Fonz.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

I said girls, not candy canes.

Yeah, but we got to talk
to you about something.

Yeah? What about?

We haven't got a goalie, Fonz.

What happened to Ralph?

Well, he... he's
gotten carried away

with these football
betting cards.

Yeah, I noticed. I noticed.

He's a big boy.
It's his funeral.

Hey, Fonz, you
want to be our goalie?

You want to be a puck?

No, thanks.

Come on, Pots.

Yeah. Thanks anyway, Fonz.

Yeah, Fonz.

All right, now, girls, let's
get down to business.

Let's get down to business.

Whoever catches this comb,

gets to drive me home, huh?

Ooh, you lucky
girls. Here you go.

All right, all right!

Congratulations, Cicely.

Now go out there
and warm up the car.

Oh, you know, I'll
tell you something.

My heart is like Mount Rushmore.

I understand it's cold.

I understand it's cold, all
right? You can all ride along.

That's right.

Those of you that don't
fit, run along the sides.

♪ La, la-la, la,
la, la-la, la... la ♪

♪ La, la-la, la, la, la-la, la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la. ♪

Oh, Mom, why did you
have to get succotash again?

That's your father's favorite,

and besides, it's
very healthy for you.

Well, it may be healthy,
but it makes me sick.

Will you just put
away the groceries?

Your father will be home
from his Leopard meeting,

and he'll be hungry as a bear.

Oh, good one, Mom.

What? What did I say?

You know... leopard, bear. What?

Forget it.

Look, Rich, if you could
just give me the dollar.

Oh, Ralph, don't
you look spiffy?

Thank you. Thank you.

So, how are things
on the riverboat?

Sit on it.

How was the hockey game?

We lost, 12 to nothing.

Oh. Is that bad?

Not when you consider we had
a German Shepherd for a goalie.

Hey, Rich, wait a minute.

Where are you going?

I'm going upstairs
to change my clothes.

Why? Do you want to make a bet

on what color socks I put on?

Aw, come on Rich.

Football's my specialty.

Pick a pro team.

No. No, I lost a dollar
today, and that's it.

I'm not betting anymore.

Oh, Rich, what's a buck

to an ambitious kid like you?

Green Bay Packers
are a cinch to win.

Don't hand me that.

Everybody knows Paul
Hornung's got a bad leg.

He'll play in a wheelchair.

What's the difference?

Everybody in Milwaukee
bets Green Bay.

That could be a
pretty good game.

A great game. Here. Green
Bay's the third one down.

I see it. I see Green Bay.

What does your
dad think of this?

Are you kidding?

He doesn't know.

He'd crack up.
He'd go ding-dong.

I think you're getting a little
carried away here, Ralph.

I mean, at ten to one,
what happens if you lose?

The odds never go
against the house.

Okay, house, here's your card.

Thanks.

I liked it better when
you were a comic, Ralph.

Why are you following
me up to my room?

Hey, a buck's a buck.

Hey, Rich, you think Rockefeller
got rich trusting people?

It's always a pleasure
to drive you home, Howie.

You're such a sweet guy.

Mickey, you don't
have to butter me up.

If the lodge thinks
that Ralph should

be Junior Leopard of
the Year, then he will.

Hello, Howard.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Did you get the succotash? Oh.

Hello, Mickey,

Ralph is right upstairs.

Oh, good. We can
drive home together.

We'll have some laughs.

The kid's got a
great personality.

Right, Howie?

I wish you'd please
stop calling me Howie.

Oh, Howie, the kid's a natural.

He's cute and witty.

You know, when they made Ralph,

they broke the mold.

I can see why.

Do you have a teenage
daughter, Mickey?

No. Would you like one?

Good one, Howie.

So, Rich, look.

I took the odds
from all the papers,

and then I figured
out the averages.

Oh, hi, Dad. I was just
explaining averages,

helping Richie with some math.

Oh, what a kid, huh?

Helps his friends, huh?

Hey, my boy, Ralphie.
Right, Pop. Right.

Well, we better

hit the road, Ralphie.

Okay, Dad.

Uh! Let's give them one.

Okay, Dad.

Hey, Dad,

you know, I just
came back from Africa,

and I played cards
with the natives.

Zulus?

No. I won.

Ha-cha-cha! Ha-cha-cha!

Come and get it.

Well, thank goodness we
still have Abbott and Costello.

Oh, good! I'm hungry as a bear.

Oh, Mom, uh, could you
save the bone for our goalie?

Yes, dear.

You have a dog for a goalie?

Yeah. He played today.

♪ Wa, wa, wa-wa, wa-wa, wa ♪

♪ Wa-wa, wa-wa, wa. ♪

Can't you fix the color, Al?

What do you want
from me? I can't.

Bruiser broke the antenna off.

Such a boring game.

He dropped it again. Look.

Aw, come on.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Green Bay's down by 11 points.

They'll catch up. You
know the Packers.

They haven't got a prayer.

There's two minutes to go.

Let's have a soda,
you beautiful thing.

Come on. Put in Hornung!

Don't worry, Pots.
They'll put him in.

They'll never put him in.

The man should
be in a wheelchair.

Okay, service! May
we have service, Alfred?

Ralph, I'm trying to
watch a football game.

Al, I'm buying
sodas for the house.

Oh. Well, I can read
about it in the newspaper.

Could you turn up the sound?

There isn't any sound.

After the Wake Forest
game, Bruiser bit off the knob.

Look at that. Come on!

Come on!

We're gonna lose our shirts.

Hi, Fonz.

I'm buying everybody sodas,

but I want you to
have a cheeseburger.

How does that sound?

Let me tell you
something, Malph.

I got my own
problems, all right?

I got to find a piston,
and they ain't cheap.

You need money, and
I can use an associate.

Hey! Hey! All right! Yeah!

Interception!

Green Bay just
intercepted a pass!

They're going all the
way for the touchdown!

I told you guys they'd catch up.

Thank you, my dear.

I could use a tough cookie
like you to help me collect.

First of all, the
Fonz is not a cookie.

See, a cookie is something
you put in your mouth.

Like this.

Bad choice of words.

Let... let me rephrase.

Yeah, do that. Rephrase.

Fonzie,

I am prepared to offer you
ten percent of my business.

Malph, do you have any idea

what a dirty business
you're getting into?

All right, all right, 50-50.

Malph...

Don't say it.

You're moved, I can see it.

Yeah, I'm moved.

Outside... there's too
much hot air in here.

Hey, listen, Ralph,
you better get over here,

because everybody
bet on Green Bay

and you could lose
a lot of money...

You could lose your shirt.

Hey wait, fumble.

Green Bay recovered it!

Look, look, look!

They're putting in Hornung!

They won't put in Hornung...
The man can't even walk.

What's he doing?

Get out of there...
You got a bad leg!

It looks like he's
recovered to me.

What do you know!
The man's not fit to play.

Look at him run! There he goes!

Okay, okay, look, we
all know who's gonna win.

I'm gonna turn this off.

35! He's at the 35! 30!

The 25... 20...

15... ten...

the five... touchdown!

Wait a minute, wait a
minute. Where's Ralph?

Come on, Ralph, you
owe us a lot of money.

You better pay up.

Don't worry, you're
gonna get every penny of it,

in due time.

It's time.

Hiya, Bruiser.

Don't go run off.

I got a winner...
I got Green Bay.

You sure do, Bruiser...
You did real good.

I want my 80 bucks!

Look, Bruiser, I'm a
little short right now.

How about a camel's hair?

I want my 80 bucks!

Okay, Bruiser, look,

now, you're gonna
have to trust me.

I sense a lack of trust here.

Wait! Bruiser, wait a
second, wait a second.

Don't try anything... I got
to tell you something! What?

I can't stand pain!

Please don't hurt me. Please.

Pain makes me cry.

Look, I'll give you
the money, I promise.

When?

Very soon... just tell me,
how soon do you want it?

I want it now.

That soon?

How about tomorrow?

Too late!

Wait! Wait! There's Fonzie!

There's Fonzie! It's Fonz!

Like I said, Bruiser,

you'll get your money
when you get it.

Right, Fonz?

Pal?

I hear Malph owes
you some money.

Yeah, 80 bucks.

Richie said you
had a big problem.

Worse than a problem, Fonz,
he was gonna rearrange my face.

Nothing less than I would
do had you welched on me.

He's kidding, he's
kidding! Good one, Fonz.

He's a kidder. Put
him straight, Fonz.

Hey, listen, I just came
in here to check my hair.

Perfect, as usual.
Wait a minute!

Hold it! Hold it! Fonzie!

Bruiser.

Yeah?

I don't think there's any sport

in beating up a guy who's
groveling at your feet?

I bet you could
give him 24 hours.

I don't think I want to wait.

I think you do.

I do? Yeah.

Yeah, I think I can wait.

Okay, Malph.

But I think I ought to get
some kind of insurance.

What do you got
that's worth 80 bucks?

Nothing. I'm all cleaned out.

All I got left are the
fillings in my teeth.

Uh, Bruiser...

I think he was kidding.

He fancies himself like
a comedian, you know?

Bruiser ain't one of your
fun-loving audiences.

I can tell that right away.

Hey, uh, you interested in
that chick out there, uh, Sheila?

The brainy chick?

Yeah. Yeah, that's the one.

You can have her, Bruiser.

She's outside, and
she'll do your nails.

The manicurist?

Yeah, the brainy one.

Okay!

Well, you got 24 hours.

Wonder what we'll talk about.

Fonz, you saved my life.

Yeah.

Oh, man, was that a close one!

Fonzie...

what am I gonna do? Well,
you're either gonna pay him back,

or you're gonna learn to
live very comfortably in pain.

Come on, Fonz.

You were gonna lend it to me
all the time, weren't you, pal?

Never entered my mind, pal.

Hey, like Fred Astaire said:

"You want to dance,
you got to pay the fiddler."

Oh, but, Fonz,
you saw Bruiser...

He ain't Fred Astaire.

You'll find the money somewhere.

But what if I don't?

Hey...

how much damage can
the, uh, Bruiser do to you?

A lot, Fonz, a lot.

Yeah, well, you're
young, you'll recover.

And you think
you've got a problem.

Come on, Malph,

get a grip on yourself, will ya?

There you go, Ralphie boy.

Now, look, you're
gonna have to grow up.

Just talk to your father, okay?

Better, you get Richie to do it.

I still got it.

Richie, I really
appreciate you helping me,

but I don't understand
why your dad is coming.

D-Don't play with the
equipment, come on.

He's coming because I-I
explained it to him, and...

Look, don't you understand?

Old people have a way
of talking to each other.

J-Just trust me,
all right? All right.

Okay, guys, I'm here.

Oh, thanks for coming, Howie.

Like father, like son.

You know, this neighborhood
is getting real weird.

There's a girl downstairs giving
some rough-looking guy a manicure.

Oh, I... I guess that's Bruiser.

I'll go down and
get him. Richie...

Just a joke. Ha-cha-cha!

Will you guys quit
clowning around!

I got to get back to
work in a half hour.

Where's your
dad? He's in the lab.

Come on, Rich, let's
wait in the reception room.

Don't try and run
off on me, Ralph.

Where would I go?
Bruiser's downstairs.

I may sleep here.

Mickey, come on out...
I haven't got all day.

Hi, Howie.

Gotcha!

You scared me, Mickey!

Well, how could that be?

You haven't seen the bill yet.

I didn't come here
for an examination...

I got to get back to work.

Listen, I, uh,

I came here to talk
to you about Ralph.

He won!

My little Ralphie... He's
Leopard of the Year!

Oh-ho, sit back, sit back!

Oh, I knew you'd
come through, Howie.

I'm gonna give
you a free checkup.

Cover your eye and read the
chart. All right. No... Mickey,

it is nothing like that.

Now, will you
please let me finish?

Now, listen to me.

Your son Ralph is in trouble.

Some girl got my
Ralph in trouble?

No, Mickey, it's not that.

You see, your son Ralph

has been running a
gambling operation,

and he's got some real problems.

My Ralph? Mm-hmm.

Gambling?

It's true.

But I think maybe he'd
better tell you the rest himself.

He's waiting outside.

Okay, come on,
Ralph, he's all yours.

Ralph.

Hi, Dad.

Howard here has
been trying to tell me

that you're in some
kind of a mess.

Now, I want you
to tell me, Ralphie,

who it is that got
you in trouble.

Was it Potsie?

Fonzie! Fonzie.

Dad, it wasn't anyone.

It was me.

I got myself in trouble.

Aw, Ralphie, you're too good.

You're too good.

You're always
protecting your friends.

Now, I want you
to tell your pop,

who are you covering up for?

Dad, I'm not
covering for anybody.

I don't get it. What's
the punch line?

What's the matter with us, Dad?

We can't even
talk to each other.

All we do is tell jokes!

Don't yell at me...
I'm your father.

Well, then why
don't you yell at me?

It was my fault,
Dad, only my fault!

I'm a teenage bookie!

Sit down, Ralphie.

What you said
just now, that's true.

I never yell at you.

Dad... That's because
you're an only child.

I don't know.

Maybe I've been
too worried about...

being a pal instead of a father.

We always had such fun together.

Dad?

Dad...

I'm-I'm sorry I let you down.

I know you always
thought I was Mr. Perfect.

Well, not really perfect.

Dad!

Almost perfect.

Almost perfect.

Hey, Ralphie...

what are we gonna do
about this gambling business?

Oh, well, Dad...

you know, I know
what I did was wrong,

and I promise, I'll never
do it again, I promise.

But I owe a lot of money.

How much?

Dad, sit down.

Dad...

I owe $80.

Eighty dollars?!

Come here.

Ralphie, I'm
gonna give it to you.

But you're gonna work
it off of your allowance

two nights a week
right here in this office!

It'll help you out later when
you become an optometrist.

Dad, I don't want

to be an optometrist, I
want to be a comedian.

You're joking.

Dad, Dad, I'm-I'm serious.

Comedian?

Ralphie, all kidding aside, huh,

you're not that funny.

I'm not?

Gotcha.

Hey, Dad, we still got it.

We still got it.

I'm not that funny?

Howie...

let's us do a
father-and-son thing.

I can't... my father
lives in Florida.

Oh, no, no, no, I mean us.

Us.

Oh! Gotcha!

How'd it go?

Well, all right, I guess.

But Ralphie told me he doesn't
want to be an optometrist.

He wants to be a comedian.

I'll tell you, Mickey, it's
tough being a parent.

Come on, guys.

Seems like he
took it pretty well.

Well, I told him a
lot of things, Rich.

It wasn't easy.

It's tough being a kid.

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ Happy days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪