Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 4, Episode 20 - The Physical - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪



♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a studio audience.

Richard, I wanted you to
get up early this morning

so that I could get
all your dirty clothes.

Well, it's not that late, Mom.
How did you sleep so late?

I want to get all
this work over... oh!

Look, I know there's a mess.

I'm sorry, I j... I just got
in a little late last night.

I noticed.

Did you "find your
thrill on Blueberry Hill"?

Bill, bill, Occupant, bill.

It seems like all I do
is pick up after you.

Well, I'm picking,
Mom, I'm picking.

I mean, he's not a baby anymore.

He's going to be
going to college.

He's a man. Now he is.

What do you mean?

You've been drafted.

I've been drafted?

He's been drafted?

He can't go.

Dad, will you open that?

He's just a boy.

He's too young
to go in the Army.

Oh, Marion, look,

this is just a notice to report
for a physical examination.

Now, that doesn't
mean he's drafted.

Yeah, but I-I didn't plan this.

I mean, who would plan this?

Oh, Richard, let me
take those things.

Oh, you'll be going away soon.

Marion, will you take it easy?

We knew this day was
going to come sooner or later.

Now, look, we're not at war.

He'll probably
go in as an officer.

You are planning to continue
ROTC in college, aren't you?

Yeah, I've already taken it
for two years in high school,

but... hey, I'm going
to find Potsie and Ralph

and see if they got
their notices, too.

What's going on?

Oh, Richard just
got his draft notice.

Great.

You'll get to see the world...

Rome and Paris.

Maybe you'll even
get to see Bob Hope.

Bob Hope can sit on it.

I'll be all right.

Don't worry about it.

Be careful, dear.

Hey, hey, guys, I've been
looking all over for you.

I just got my notice here

to take my physical
for the draft.

The line forms to the right.

Oh, good, I'm
glad I'm not alone.

Oh, I mean, I'm sorry
that they got you guys,

but it's just that
I didn't want to...

I'm just going to
get in line here.

My dad doesn't want me to go.

He says war is bad
for my sense of humor.

My dad's trying to rent my room.

I don't want to go
to Guadalcanal.

Ralph, they're not going
to send you to Guadalcanal.

We won that battle.

Oh, yeah.

I'll go there.

I like occupied islands.

They play volleyball.

They meet you at the
beach and they dive for coins.

Who just slammed that door?

Who just slammed
that door in my ears?

No, Fonzie, strong wind today.

Really, it was just the wind.

Yeah, right, just the wind.

Now, listen up, all right?

Kim Butkus is coming,
coming by to pick up her car.

I haven't finished it yet.

So will you please take your
soap opera somewhere else?

Wait a minute, this
is not a soap opera.

This is life.

Your life is a soap opera.

Listen, the Army's
going to be good for you.

Make men out of
you... most of you.

Hey, Fonz, why
didn't they call on you?

Are you kidding, Pots?

The Fonz is our secret weapon.

Heyyy.

Richard, eat your pancakes.

Your eggs and bacon
will be ready in a minute.

It's hard to eat at
5:30 in the morning.

It's still dark outside.

Well, I want you to
have a big breakfast

because you'll need
energy for your physical.

It doesn't take that much energy

to walk around
in your underwear.

Bye, everybody, I'm off to work.

Marion, look at this.

Get the camera quick.

We got a total eclipse.

Oh, no, Howard,

it's 5:30 in the morning, dear.

I set your alarm clock ahead

so that you could get up
and say good-bye to Richard.

I'm sorry.

Have a nice physical, Richard.

That wasn't an eclipse?

No.

You'll wake me when we have one?

Yes.

Dad, Dad, w-why don't you
at least eat some pancakes

with me while you're up?

Well, okay, if there's plenty

of maple syrup.

Plenty, dear.

Doesn't anybody
sleep around this place?

We're all up to see Richard off.

I made his favorite breakfast.

C rations?

Boy, I tell you, I
remember in the Army

when I had to get up
at 5:30 in the morning.

Oh, Howard, please.

War stories are
always so gruesome.

What's gruesome about K.P.?

Well, I'm gonna
have to get going now.

I'll see you later. Oh, Richard.

Is it time already?

Well, I'm going back to bed.

This looks like it's going
to be real tearjerker.

Bye, Rich.

Don't forget my kimono.

Have a nice life.

Oh, they've come for you.

I could hide him in the attic.

It's all right, Mom, it's fine.

Greetings. Yeah,
hi, guys. Rich, Mr. C.

Hi.

Well, thanks for the breakfast.

We got to get going
now. Well, wait, now,

Ralph and Potsie might
like some breakfast.

Yeah, yeah. Good idea, okay.

Mom, we don't
have time for this.

We'll take it along with us.

Come on. Right, Pots. Hi, Howie.

Richard.

Here's your lunch
for the physical.

Now, did you put on
your clean... underwear?

Well, did you, Rich?

Yeah, I put on my
ROTC underwear.

Come on, we got
to be there at 0700.

I'll return the maple syrup.

Well, we're off to the Army.

Don't worry, Mr. C.

I'll take good care
of him for you.

Okay, everybody,
group "B" in here.

Move it, move it,
move it, move it,

move it, move it,
move it, move it,

move it.

Wait a second, I said group "B".

That says "C."

What are you, some kind of
college graduate or something?

Out, out!

I hate college graduates.

All right, men.

My name is Sergeant Betchler.

Hmm?

And that's the way I
like it pronounced...

Betchler.

All right, before we start
anything, what is that smell?

Well, uh, that-that's my lunch.

My mother made it for me.

I-It's a sardine sandwich.

It's my favorite kind.

Oh, it's your favorite, huh?

I-I-I'll find some
place to put it.

Yeah, I hope you do.

Oh.

Ah, not under Ike.

Oh.

Eh...

Oh, yeah, no, no,
not under the flag.

That's right, let me help
you, let me help you.

Oh, good, you
found a place for it.

I think it's a real, a
real nice place, too, I...

Sit down. Right.

All right, where was I?

Oh, yeah, before we start,

are there any notes

from doctors,
clergymen, or employers?

All right, front and center.

You've got a note,
don't you, Ralph?

Yeah, you know, my
dad's an optometrist.

This note says
I'm legally blind.

He even wanted
me to bring a dog.

All right, so your doctor thinks

you're too short to
be in the Army, huh?

Corporal.

Take this man outside
and put two inches on him.

I measure lumps.

Okay, anybody else with a note?

Uh, Ralph has one.

Red has a note.

Yeah... good.

No more notes.

Good fake, Ralph.

What fake?

All right, when I call your
name, I want you to answer up.

Weber. Up!

All right, wise guy,
give me five push-ups.

But you said answer
"up." Make it ten.

Cunningham.

Here.

Dockerelli.

Here.

Fonzarelli... Fonzarelli.

You're a little late,
aren't you, "Funichelli"?

I'm really sorry.

It was my fault,
Sergeant, uh, "Belcher."

That's Sergeant Betchler.

Whatever.

You see, I should
have known better

than to, to date the Aloha
Pussycats on a weeknight.

All right, knock it off.

Fall in.

Yeah, listen, we
got to hurry this up.

I got to be out of here by noon.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah, yeah, I got a date.

Oh, a date. Isn't that nice?

Let me tell you something.

Your dates might be nice.

I got a date with
the Hooper triplets.

All right, knock it off.

Sit over there, lover boy.

I can't wait till
we cut your hair.

Oh...

All right, we're going to
fill out some forms now.

Last name first and
your first name last,

middle initial.

Nobody writes until
I tell them to write.

Fonz, what are you doing here?

I got a personal
invitation from Uncle Sam.

Fonzie, why didn't
you tell us about it?

Well, you know what happened

when they tried to
induct Elvis into the Army.

Oh, yeah, a bunch
of girls went crazy

and tore down the
induction center.

Exactamundo.

Now, who told
you to start writing?

I thought of it all on my own.

All right, knock it off.

You know, Fonzarelli,

I'd like to get you alone in a
room for about five minutes.

Sarge, I didn't think
you were that kind of guy.

All right, knock it off!

Knock it off!

You know, when you go to the
barber, I'm gonna go with you...

To supervise the...

Maybe when he's
finished with my hair,

he'll do my nails.

Good, Fonz.

Fonz, Fonz, you
just better be careful,

'cause this guy is mean.

He just sent out a
short kid to grow.

Okay, uh, Sergeant
Betchler says,

write your names.

Good.

Okay, anybody here

have prior military experience?

Sgt. Betchler...

Hey, you said that nice.

Say it again.

Betchler.

You're gonna get
your lunch back.

I had ROTC in high school.

Oh, you want to be an officer.

Yeah, I-I would.

Ah, good. You're...

Well, you're in
charge, Cunningham.

Very good.

Anybody steps out
of line, I come to you.

Yes, sir.

No, no, don't call me "sir".

Only officers are called sir.

I'm a non-com.

I could have been a "sir".

Should have been a "sir".

Could have been a "sir".

Would have been a-a good "sir".

I'm better than all those guys.

And you're all
gonna listen to me,

including you, Fonzarelli,
because I don't like you.

You see all these hash marks?

I'm a 20-year man.

I been a man all my life.

You know I supervised
Elvis's haircut,

and yours is gonna be shorter.

Ooh!

Now, I guess you
guys are smart enough

to have finished
your names by now.

Uh, excuse me.

Was that the last name
first or first name last?

Ten push-ups.

Ah, you want to giggle, huh?

Give me ten.

You know, you're a
nice kid, Cunningham.

Say my name again.

Sergeant Belcher.

All right, give me ten!

All right, line up.

Hey, Corporal,
get a load of this.

ROTC,

little duckies and a big ant.

These guys are
here to entertain us.

Hey, uh, where's Fonzarelli?

Hey, Cunningham, is this
any way to run an outfit?

Uh, Fonz, come on out, okay?

Are you afraid

somebody's gonna
steal your little jacket?

No.

I was afraid maybe
I'd get caught in a draft.

All right, knock it off.

You think that's funny? Yeah.

Hey, here's
something that's funny.

All people wearing jackets

at the end of the line.

I said the end of the line.

This is the end of the line.

The front end.

All right.

Blood tests.

Everybody, line up.

Everybody has to
give a blood sample.

Rich, no one told me

I was suppose to
bring a blood sample.

Potsie, they're gonna
take it out of your finger.

And it's gonna hurt real bad.

I can't stand pain. I'm leaving.

Hey, Ralph, I'm gonna help you.

Get up there. Thanks, Fonz.

You're gonna be
just fine. Thanks.

All right.

Hey, guys, what do
you know about that?

I didn't feel a thing.

Okay, he'll be fine.

Hey, Fonz, you
missed the blood test.

Ooh!

Can I do him?

Okay, Weber,

maybe next time you won't
try to fill up all the bottles.

All right, talking
about bottles,

I'm gonna leave
you for a few minutes.

Now, when I'm gone,

I know some of you
guys are gonna miss me.

When I'm gone, Lt.
Quinlan's gonna be in charge

of the next phase.

While I'm away,

ROTC will take over.

Watch it, watch it,
watch it, watch it.

All right.

Good morning, men.

Hey, it's a Lieutenant woman.

Good morning, Lieutenant.

I'm Richard Cunningham, ROTC.

I-I'm kind of in charge here.

I'm sorry that I'm
in my underwear.

Well, don't worry.

Uh, like they say in
the Medical Corps,

if I see anything I
haven't seen before,

I'll shoot it.

All right,

now each of you is gonna run up

and down these stairs briskly.

Like this.

Then you'll be checked
for pulse and heartbeat.

Uh... Fonzarelli.

Yo.

Go over these steps

and I want you to
touch each step.

Cute, Fonzarelli.

It's, uh,

hard to do this through leather.

I'll take it off for you.

Now hear this, now hear this.

All nurses fall out
for night maneuvers.

Turn around. Yeah.

Could you move
that up a little bit?

A little over to the left.

Aaayyh!

Ahhhh.

You're one of the
healthiest men I've ever met.

You ain't whistli" Dixie, Jack.

Listen, you and
me together, soon,

and that is an order.

I've been trained
to follow orders.

Next.

Uh... uh, Malph.

Atten-hut!

What do you think this is?

Get that ant in gear

and move it over the hill!

Move it!

Everything works for him.

Move it! Hut-two.

You'll be notified

as to your proper

classification...

When?

Uh, no-no interruptions.

Now I gotta do the
whole thing over again.

You'll be notified

as to your proper classification

resulting from today's physical.

I look forward

to seeing all you
guys again real soon.

I hope not too soon.

You want to eat some
more paper, Red?

I'm full.

Good.

All right, everybody
from ROTC down,

dismissed.

All right, move, move, move!

Oh, uh, Khaki Drawers,

here's your lunch.

Hey, wait a minute.

My Twinkies are missing.

Spoils of war.

Okay.

He took my Twinkies! Hey, hey.

MP! Come on over
here! Hey, hey, hey!

He took my Twinkies!
All right, all right.

Look, here's a quarter.

Buy yourself some new Twinkies.

All right, Rich! All right!

All right, the back row.

Out. Fast. Make it
fast. On the double.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoa.

You probably noticed

that you're the
only one still here.

Well, I ain't surprised.

I had an inkling I
was your favorite.

Looks like you missed
a pretty good date,

huh, Fonzarelli?

Oh, hey, don't worry
about it, non-com,

the army always comes first.

Ah, that's good to hear

because it's gonna
take about an hour or two

to fill out these forms again.

You see, I couldn't read it.

Maybe-maybe this
time you should print.

Must I?

Yeah.

The last one that
didn't fill out the forms

is scrubbing camels
in the Sahara.

Well, listen, I hate to
disappoint you, Sarge,

but I gotta be some place else.

Okay, wise guy,

give me ten push-ups.

Seven.

Hey, I never thought
you'd get here!

Sorry I'm late. At ease.

What's going on here?

Just a little discipline, sir.

Uh, Fonzarelli, uh,
did the forms wrong,

and he has to
fill 'em out again.

That won't do.

I need this man to help me

with some research.

He'll be in my charge.

You know, Louie,
uh, don't you think

he's a little out of shape here?

You're right.

Give me ten.

I coulda been an officer.

I shoulda been an officer.

All right, fellas, what
a day for football.

All right. All right.

Hut! Hey.

Let's go outside.

We're gonna play some
touch football. Come on.

C'mon, Joanie. Oh!

As long as you don't
play "dump the center".

Come on, Fonzie,
play quarterback.

All right.

All right, I'll play quarterback

for both teams.

Aaayyh!

Marion, are you crying?

Oh, Howard,

I just hate to see them grow up.

What if the Army takes them?

They're all one-A.

Well, then they'll all apply

for their college deferments.

What if there's
a war? What if...

Oh, now come on, Marion,

I mean the whole world
practically has the bomb.

There are not gonna
be any more wars.

The UN will see to that.

I think the world has
learned their lesson.

We'll never have to send
our boys to fight again.

Oh, I hope so, Howard.

All right, hey Pots, go long.

Go long! Okay.

I'll hit the quarterback!

I'll cover him. I'll cover him.

I'll hit the quarterback!

Oh, yeah?

Oh, oh, kidding, Fonz!

I got it! I got it! I got it!

Wait a minute, it's
going over his head.

Uh-oh.

You kids!

What is the matter with you!

How many times have I told you

not to play so close to the house!
- Hey...

Joanie did it!

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These are such Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪