Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 4, Episode 1 - Fonzie Loves Pinky: Part 1 - full transcript

Fonzie's former girlfriend Pinky Tuscadero comes to Milwaukee for an exhibition of her motorcycle skills and participate in a demolition derby. On seeing her again,Fonzie realizes that he's still in love with her and she as well. When Fonzie's partner for the derby is hurt, Pinky volunteers but Fonzie thinks a demolition derby is a man's world. Meanwhile, derby drivers The Millachi brothers are practicing sabotage at Fonzie's garage.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are yours ♪



♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

This is WZAZ-TV.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen

and all the ships at sea.

How was that?

How many guys are trying out
for the announcer's job, Richie?

About 15, but they're
all honor students.

Do you think I'll get it?

Do you know what
a fat chance is?

Oh, save some roast
beef for your father, dear.

He'll be home any minute.

Oh, did he get hung up at
the Leopard Lodge again?

Yes, he's working very hard

being chairman of the
Leopard's Demolition Derby.

So be nice to your
father; he's tired.

Oh, I will, but then can I go
over to Ginny Pickalow's house?

Yes, yes, of course.

Good.

Hark, hark, the chairman of
the Demolition Derby is home.

And have I got
something to show you.

Yeah, congratulations, Dad.

I'll see you later, all
right? Yeah, I'm happy too.

Well, I'll be on my way.

No, no, no, wait a minute.

Come on, now,
everybody sit down.

I got something very
big to share with you.

Right here, in this box,

is one of the
highlights of my life.

Oh, let me see.

Is there a picture of you
with your tummy all tucked in?

You're gonna do fat jokes in
the middle of a man's highlights?

I'm sorry.

It happens to be
the publicity leaflet

for the Demolition Derby.

"The Leopard's First Annual
Team Demolition Derby

"will be held next Tuesday
at Pfister National Park.

"It will feature great
demolition drivers

"like Arthur Fonzarelli and
his partner Nookie Newman,

and the..." Dad, we know that.

Would you be patient?

Go on, Howard.

Okay. "Now, to
kick off the derby,

"the Leopards present a driving
exhibition by Pinky Tuscadero,

the world's greatest female
cyclist, and her Pinkettes."

Oh, she is marvelous.

I just can't wait to see her
do those Poppa wheelies

and those wild jumps.

Dad, Fonzie and
Pinky are old friends.

Yeah.

"All proceeds..."
I think Fonzie's

looking forward to seeing her.

"All proceeds..." Yeah.

He got four of his
T-shirts pressed.

Do you mind?

Oh, go ahead, Dad. Oh, go ahead.

This is very interesting,
dear. We're waiting.

"All proceeds of the
Demolition Derby go to charity.

"The entire event is sponsored
by the Milwaukee Leopard Lodge.

Chairman of the event,
Leopard Howard Cunningham."

Oh, that's great.

Well, I'm going to Ginny's.

Yeah, thanks a lot, Dad.

I'll read it later, okay?

That's wonderful.

Oh, hope you
get the job, Richie.

What later?

I mean, the kids on
Father Knows Best

never walk out on Robert Young.

Hey, Fonz.

Need some help, Fonz?

Hey, listen, you guys,

will you please
stick to the stand?

It takes you an hour to
knock in one solitary nail.

I hurt my thumb.

Oh, yeah?

You want me to
kiss that boo-boo?

Good evening, gentlemen,
and all the ships at sea.

All right, Richie
got the TV job!

Yeah, I got it! Okay!

Yeah. Great.

All right, all
right, listen to this.

Flash, this is Rick Cunningham

bringing you the Demolition
Derby live on WZAZ-TV.

Okay.

Rick?

You don't like Rick?

Is your father's name Ozzie?

Yeah, right.

Scratch Rick.

Oh, oh, Fonz, I got
a message for you.

Well, bring it over here.

Pinky was over at the station,

and she said she was going
to be by later with the Pinkettes.

Oh, that's great. Thanks a lot.

Yeah... oh, oh,
right, right, pictures.

I got another message for you.

You're a regular little
courier pigeon, aren't you?

No, no, see, they're,
they're letting me

do this special feature
on all the derby drivers.

I need a good picture of you.

Well, I got some
pictures inside.

Well, now, it's got to
be a very good one.

Hey, could this face
take a bad picture?

Oh, no, I guess not.

This is Richie Cunningham...

You want to get in here?

Oh...

Hey, the Pinkettes are
here already. Yeah, yeah.

Let old Malph handle this.

Okay. Do I look
okay? Yeah, perfect.

Hiya, guys.

Hi. Hi, girls.

Hi. RALPH: You must
be the Pinkettes, huh?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Is that Pinky's bike?

Well, it's not Blackie's.

Okay. Go ahead.

Hi, girls.

I'm a singer.

You're boring.

Oh, you've already met Potsie.

Hey, I love singers.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Hey, uh, I'm going to be
singing "America the Beautiful."

Ah.

♪ Oh, beautiful ♪

♪ For spacious skies... ♪

I've heard it. Oh.

Hi, Red.

Hi, Red.

You know, uh, I'm one of

the funniest guys
in the neighborhood.

Oh.

Funny guys aren't romantic.

Oh... wait a minute... don't go.

I'm only funny with the guys;
with you, I'd be real serious.

You know, I'm a
very serious driver.

Oh.

I like drivers.

You do? Mm.

Well, let's talk, maybe we'll
find something in common.

Hey, Fonz.

Guess who?

Hiya, Pinky.

M-wah!

Long time.

Yeah, a little too long.

Uh-huh.

How you been?

Well, not a hair out of place.

Was there ever?

How you?

Uh...

I was sort of hoping you
could check out my "sickle."

Oh, yeah.

I'll, uh, I'll check
over your "sickle."

You know, I want you
to be sure and look over,

uh, the points, uh, the pistons.

Sure.

Up, down, all around.

It's a little warm in here.

♪ Boom, boom, boom ♪

♪ Boom-boom-boom ♪

♪ Waah-ah ♪

♪ Waah-ah... ♪

♪ Wah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ Doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Ee-ooh ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo... ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Doo-wah... ♪

♪ You're beautiful
and you're mine ♪

♪ Well, you're 16 ♪

♪ So beautiful ♪

♪ And you're mine ♪

♪ Well, you're all 16 ♪

♪ You're all beautiful,
and you're all mine. ♪

Thank you.

I was supposed to be
a driver, but I got hurt.

But I can play.

Come on, Ralph, you're
not hurt, you're just faking it.

Ah, well, we certainly
are looking forward

to having you for dinner
tomorrow night, Miss Tuscadero.

I mean, it's a great honor

to have the guest star

of the Demolition
Derby in our home.

Well, Fonzie and I
would be happy to come,

but you got to call me Pinky.

Oh, I can't wait for Tuesday

when you do those
Poppa wheelies.

Marion, you've got to stop
hanging around Fonzie.

You got some old lady.

Later.

You got some old lady.

Later.

Joanie!

Later?

Al, come here for a minute.

Yeah.

Come here. Listen. Okay.

It was really swell of
you to throw this party

kicking off the
derby and everything.

Oh, it's nothing.

I think you ought to make a
little welcoming speech, huh?

No, I don't like to do that.

Oh, the gang would
love to hear from you, Al.

But I'm too shy.

I'll-I'll introduce you.

No, don't, don't do that.

Well, okay.

Do it.

And make it humble.

Okay, right.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to hear a nice round
of applause for the man

who made this evening possible.

He supplied all the free
pizza and the free soda pop,

so let's hear it
for a nice guy... Al.

Don't. Oh, no.

Don't, don't, don't do it.

Well, everybody enjoy.

Isn't Alfred cute?

Arnold is cute.

Alfred is humble. And Italian.

What's wrong, Fonz?

All right, that's it.

I'm not in the derby anymore.

Why? Why? Why? What happened?

Because my partner,
Nookie Newman,

just broke his leg jumping
out of a motel window!

Ah, no! No!

Terrible. Well, Fonz, you know,

I'd drive, but I'm
hurt, too. Yeah.

I am, I'm hurt, look.

All right, all right, all right.

Listen, I got to think this out.

Everybody just get out of here.

Come on, Shortcake, get out.

Oh, Fonz, I'm sorry.

Yeah, now I got to
find a substitute driver.

I happen to know
the perfect person...

Pinky Tuscadero.

Hey, that's very nice.

I'm low, you're
making a nice joke.

That's very nice.

What kind of joke?
This is my shot

to be the first
woman in the derby.

A woman in the derby?

I got a problem, and you're
giving me silly suggestions.

Ralph, you're driving with me.

What?! ALL: Yay!

No yay. No, no yay.

Fonz, Fonz, I
can't drive. I'm hurt.

Now, listen, you're faking it.

I'm going to make you famous.

Well, then, I'll hurt
myself, I promise.

Somebody, hurt me!

All right, all right,
look, I tell you,

you're going to drive
with me, and that is it!

Now stop babbling, make
some music for me, will you?

All right.

It's okay, Ralph. It's okay.

Dance.

Hey, why don't you
dance with Ralph?

He's your partner.

Pinkettes, split!

Ralph?

Ralph is clumsy!

You know, it's too bad
you two had to split up.

Joanie.

I hope you like tapioca, Pinky.

Oh, I love tapioca.

I haven't seen that since
I was at the convent.

The convent?

Yeah.

Were you a nun?

Did they make you
shave your head?

That's not a polite question.

Did they?

I wasn't a nun.

I just lived there.

Well, how come you
lived in a convent?

Now, this all might
be private, dear.

I'd like to know, too, Marion.

It's not so private.

You know, my mother and
father split up when I was a kid.

You know, D-I-V-0-R-C-E.

Divorce.

Well, my mother
couldn't handle it,

so she dropped
me off at the sisters'.

Oh, that's too bad.

Nah. Are you
kidding? I loved it.

But 18 years old, either you
become a nun, or you leave.

You know, split.

It's just amazing how much
you and Fonzie have in common.

Ah, forget it... he wouldn't
even let me in the derby.

But you are in the derby.

I mean, you're the guest star.

You're-You're
leading off the show

with your motorcycle tricks.

Not as a driver.

Hi, folks. We're home.

Oh, you're just in
time for dessert.

Tapioca.

We'll give you some ice cream.

Dad, uh... Hmm?

Will you come upstairs
with me for a minute?

I haven't finished
my dessert yet.

Well, you can finish
it upstairs, Dad.

What are you doing?

Well, we have to
talk. Talk about what?

I-I don't know. The
birds and the bees.

Oh, Richard, we
already had that talk.

Yeah, and you didn't learn much.

See, uh...

There, uh, seems to be a
little tension between us here.

Oh, you noticed?

I had a long talk

with Richie about
our misunderstanding.

What did the announcer say?

Well, in between
his "huh-huh-huh's"

he said that he thinks

I should let you drive in
the derby, or you're going

to get into a huff, and
you're going to walk out.

You know, redheads
are just born geniuses.

On the other hand,

I don't think you
should be in the derby.

I have spoken.

That's that.

You know, you got
the prettiest eyes.

Come on now.

I don't want any more
fighting here, all right?

Come on.

All right, all right. Hmm? Hmm?

You got it, you got it.

I still think you're
wrong, though.

Why am I...

Is Ralph a better
driver than me?

Ralph can't find reverse.

You think when the action starts

that I will panic
under pressure?

Hey, Pinky, you know
I know that you're cool.

Then give me one good
reason why I'm not your partner.

The Lone Ranger.

Was Tonto a girl?

Oh, I don't know.

He wore a feather.

Hey, don't you joke

about Tonto!

I'm telling you something.

There are always
two guys... That's right.

Batman and Robin, uh,
the Green Hornet and Kato,

Even Gene Autry had a
boy horse... Champion!

Roy Rogers and Dale Evans!

Singers! You're
giving me singers!

I'm talking about adventurers,
I'm talking about heroes,

I'm talking about men

that made this
country what it is today!

Do you think that I, the Fonz,

can break the tradition by
putting a woman in a derby?

You know what I'm saying?

Do you know what I'm saying?

No, I do not know
what you're saying!

That's because pink
is fuzzing your brain!

Yeah, I ought to
have it examined

for hanging around
with you, boy!

Ooh! Women!

♪ I was moving and
a-groovin'... whoo! ♪

♪ We was a-reelin'
with the feelin' ♪

♪ Hah! We was
a-rollin' and a-strollin' ♪

♪ Movin' with the groovin' ♪

♪ Splish, splash ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Thanks, Pinky.

Hey, next time let's
try a fast number, huh?

Yeah.

Richie?

Rich! Hi, Ralph.

How's your neck?
Better. Listen to me.

I just saw the Mallachi
brothers outside.

The Mallachi brothers?

Hey, they're great drivers.

They're favored to win
the derby, you know.

You don't seem to understand.

I'm in big danger.

I know, they're mean.

Hey, we ought to get
an interview with them.

The public loves violence.
Richie, you're not listening to me.

Those guys might hurt me.

Oh, look at this. This is wild.

One time in Cicero, the
Mallachis destroyed 27 cars

with the famous Mallachi Crunch.

Only half the cars were
actually in the derby.

I know... I know all about it.

They're outside wrecking
cars in the parking lot right now.

Oh, it's Rocco Mallachi!

It's Rocco Mallachi!

Hello, Roc.

Hello.

Well, will the owner of the
car, license plate number

B-4-9-3-6 please
raise your hand?

Your lights are on.

That could have been my face!

Uh, Rocco? Rocco Mallachi?

I'm Richie Cunningham
from WZAZ-TV, and, uh...

and we'd like to do a
little interview with you.

Oh, yeah, uh,
just wait a second.

Wait for my brother to
come, Count Mallachi.

Hey, Count Mallachi,
come on in here.

Count Mallachi?

Yeah, he likes to be
called Count Mallachi.

He thinks he's the Gorgeous
George of demolition derbies.

I have arrived.

Let the pigeons loose!

Sorry, Count,
we're out of pigeons.

How about some
turkey or chicken salad?

You think I'm
funny, pickle nose?

No. Have a free slice of pizza.

Or better yet, take it all.

Let me ask you something.

Why does he talk like that?

Not that there's
anything wrong with it.

He hasn't been the same since
he saw The Three Musketeers.

Oh, lo and behold.

It is the fair Pinky
of the derriere.

Attend to me, fair maiden,
and I will sing to thee

from my book of
songs and sonnets.

Hey, why don't you
go sing into a bucket?

Clever, but very dangerous.

Hi, Fonz!

Here comes Fonzie!

Hi, Fonzie.

Hey, Count, did you say sonnets?

Attend to me, maiden.

Sit thee down upon my fair knee.

All right,

we're on the air.

We're live at Arnold's,

and we're expecting an interview

with Arthur Fonzarelli
at any moment now.

Here comes Fonzie.

Fonz, I'd like...

Bad time for an
interview, folks.

Hey Fonz, Fonz, I found a guy.

He wants to drive with you.

Not now, Malph, not now.

Ah, comrade, it has
been a long time, huh?

Not long enough, Myron.

He don't like you
to call him that.

Well, let Myron
tell me that himself.

Ah, tush, an exception
for an old friend.

Mm.

Do I detect a note
of ill will in the air?

Uh, someone in this
room does not think

that I am good enough
to drive in the derby.

Fiddle-ee-dee, thou
shall drive with me.

If he keeps kissing
your arm like that,

you're going to have
to get a shot for rabies.

I'll ride with you, Count.

'Tis settled then.

Rocco, you're out.

I-I'm your brother.

I'll tell Mom.

We're musketeers!

You look more like
mouseketeers to me.

With the little ears
and everything.

Don't push it, Fonz.

'Tis better to keep a
civil tongue in thy head.

You know, Myron...
you're a clown.

Rocco.

Excuse me.

Dance, Count?

I hear minstrels.

It's the night before the derby.

Most of the combatants
are out on the dance floor.

It's like the calm
before the storm.

This could be the storm.

All right, listen up.

There is an announcement here.

The itinerary of drivers
has been changed.

Pinky, you drive with me.

Oh, thank you, Lord, thank you.

No more jokes about Tonto.

Never.

You have just witnessed
an historic moment.

Pinky Tuscadero has been named

to be the first woman driver
in the Demolition Derby.

We'll talk to her now
and see how she feels.

We'll interview that
history-making couple later.

♪ A sweetheart ♪

♪ Sends a letter ♪

♪ Of good-bye... ♪

It's getting late.

What do you want to do now?

♪ It's no secret... ♪

All right.

Yeah, but first we've gotta give
Cunningham his interview, huh?

Oh great, all right, okay.

Let's go, come on, guys.

Come on, get the
camera in position, okay?

All right.

Come on.

Get over here.

Okay.

All right.

This is Richie Cunningham
in an exclusive interview

with Arthur Fonzarelli
and Pinky Tuscadero,

and I got it for you, boy.

I stayed up all
night for this thing.

Uh, tell me, Fonzie,

aren't you concerned
about the Mallachi brothers?

They have a reputation

for being unscrupulous
and devious.

Hey, I don't know about
that; I just know they cheat.

Well, uh, aren't you worried

that the Mallachi brothers
will try and do something

to keep you out of the derby?

Yeah, so I'm taking precautions.

I got my car at your house
being guarded by your parents,

and this lovely young
lady's car is at my garage,

being guarded by two
very good personal friends.

Hey, if Pinky retires...

Yeah? I could become the star

and we'll get you
another Pinkette.

Why you? Well, red hair.

Yeah, they're gonna
call you Reddy?

Hi, girls!

Look at this. Whoa! Call Fonzie!

Yeah. Oh, why call him?

You'll see him at the party.

What party? Are you sure?

Oh, it's a... it's a big party!

It needs your
sparkling personalities.

Oh! Fonzie sent me to get you.

Yeah, yeah!

Look, Alfred, just
send Fonzie over here

as soon as you see him,

all right?

Yeah, well-well somebody
wrecked Pinky's car...

Smashed up the whole engine.

I think it was the Mallachis.

They painted a big red "M"

on the side of the car.

No, no, don't tell Fonzie that.

No, just-just send
him over here.

Okay.

We've gotta keep
Fonzie calm. Calm?

He's gonna come in
here and go berserk!

Gotta use psychology.

Very tricky psychology.

Oh no, that's Fonzie!

Okay, now what do we do, Rich?

We shove all this
stuff under the hood!

That's psychology?

You let me do all the
talking with Fonzie.

I've handled him all the
other times he's been upset.

All right, you
do all the talking.

All right, yeah, put that down,

put the hood down
Ralph, come on,

and just act natural, all right?

Just act nat...

Holding a fan is
not acting natural!

Oh, my gosh!

Lads, lads, lads.

Oh, hi, Fonz.

How are you?

Great day for the
derby, huh, Fonz?

Fonzie's here, Ralph.

Hi, Fonz. You're here.

Beautiful day, huh, Fonz?

Yeah, it's a beautiful day

for anything and everything, eh?

Anything. Right,
everything. Anything.

Listen, now, I'm gonna
get in that car, right?

So get out of the way, I
want to warm up the engine.

There's something I
gotta tell you, Fonz.

Uh...

Fonze, uh, something
unexpected has happened, see?

And it's important that
you keep an open mind.

Do you believe in destiny?

Is this gonna be
a religious talk?

It's not a religious talk.

Hey, hey, hey, this
is not funny here.

This car don't start.

Well, just remember:

"To forgive is divine."

Sorry, Pinky. We're sorry.

We're sorry. We're sorry.

My two aces are blowing it.

They're going to
a party with Rocco

instead of guarding my car.

What's wrong with this, Pink?

It doesn't start.
Hey, Fonze, don't...

don't look under that
hood, okay? No. No.

Get off that hood!

Don't look under there.

No! No!

Hey!

All right, now we all
saw what just happened...

and, uh, I know
exactly what to do.

All right, Malph, get over here.

I want you and Potsie

to get me a
gallon of pink paint.

- Right, Fonz.
- Right, Fonz.

All right, Tina,
Lola, get over here.

All right now, listen...

I want you to go to
Pfister's Emporium,

I want you to get me
a tire, standard size;

I want you to get me
points and plugs, dig it?

Oh, we're sorry, Fonz, really.

Are you mad at us?

Well, what you did was wrong,

but like they say,
to forgive is what?

Divine. Divine!

Thank you.

All right, Richie,
get over here. Right.

I want you to tell your father

to stall the beginning of the
derby for as long as he can.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna get
him to disqualify the Mallachis.

No, don't disqualify 'em.

I'm gonna take care
of 'em in the derby.

Fonz, I don't know if I can
leave you at a time like this.

Like what? Well, you're
obviously very upset.

They wrecked the car... I'm
afraid you're gonna go out there,

try and get revenge... Richie!

I'm gonna be just fine,
will you get out of here?

Fonz, I am proud of you.

It is amazing how calm you are

under these
circumstances. Hey, Richie...

Richie, I asked your
father to stall, not you.

Oh, you want me to go? Yeah.

I'm going, Fonz.

You think you can fix
this in time for the derby?

I'll fix it.

Pretty Eyes, you're amazing.

No man alive

could have handled
a disaster like this.

You know something?

You are the coolest.

Yeah. The coolest.

Yeah, I know, man, I...

I am cool.

But I'm losing it!

Wait!

I got it back.

Stall?

That's impossible.

Absolutely impossible, Richard.

Do you know what
you're asking of me?

Dad, you have to stall.

Look, do you want to have
a derby with no Fonzie?

You're asking me,
an unarmed man,

to get up in front of that
Demolition Derby crowd,

people who have probably
eaten raw meat for breakfast,

and say "Sorry, we
have to delay the derby."

Is that the way you picture it?

Well, I thought you'd start off

by telling a few jokes.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Yeah, jokes are good. Yeah.

How about this one?

How did the moron get involved
with the Demolition Derby?

I don't know, Dad. How?

His son talked him into it.

I never heard that one.

Richard, this is all your fault.

The Leopards should have
had a picnic, just like always.

Now, that's fun stuff!

We had softball
games and sack races.

You remember the
time your mother sat

in the potato salad, huh?

That's fun stuff!

Dad, those are bygone days.

Now, come on, are
you gonna stall or not?

Well, okay, I guess
I've got no choice.

Oh, great. I'll try to stall.

I just hope my
insurance is paid up.

Well, we'll all help you stall.

I'll lengthen my starter speech.

Marion, all you're gonna say is,

"Gentlemen, start your engines."

I'll stutter.

Why are you
bringing a hair dryer?

Fonzie asked for it.

He said he'd need it
against the Mallachis.

Well, I knew they were mean,

but I didn't think they'd
mess up people's hair.

I'm gonna have to
get over to the field.

But, Dad, listen,

I think you should
tell a few jokes.

Uh, especially that one

about the nearsighted
ostrich with the hat.

That one always knocks 'em dead.

Richard... Yeah?

Go to the field... Uh-huh?

And sit on it.

What, the nearsighted
ostrich with the hat?

I don't know that one.

You never will,
dear, it's a smut joke.

Mom, I'll tell you in the car.

You'll love it! You'll love it!

♪ O, beautiful for
spacious skies ♪

♪ For amber waves of grain ♪

♪ For purple
mountains' majesty ♪

♪ Above the fruited plain ♪

♪ America, America ♪

♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪

♪ And crown thy good
with brotherhood ♪

♪ From sea to shining sea. ♪

That was Potsie Weber
with "America the Beautiful."

Hey, hey, who's gonna
have some pizza?

Come on folks, be
happy, be happy.

The Pinkettes have performed

for 20 minutes longer
than they were supposed to,

now what am I gonna do?

You're gonna have
to think of something.

You're the chairman.
All right, all right.

I'll-I'll think of something.

I know what I'm gonna do.

Uh-uh, folks?

We're gonna be ready to
start in-in just a few minutes.

But first, uh,

did you hear the one about
the nearsighted ostrich?

Oh, Howard, not that one.

I'm desperate, Marion.

Hey, sweetie,

did you know I'm
a backup driver?

I could be in the
derby any minute.

So, I'll be your
backup boyfriend.

Howard, you're
gonna be in big trouble

if you don't stop
drinking all that soda.

You get nervous and excited,

and you have to go to
the bathroom all the time.

We're all gonna be
in big trouble, Marion,

if Fonzie doesn't
show up pretty soon.

Why do you say that?

That's why, Marion.

Hey, let's get started.

Hey you, with the
tiger on your head.

It's a leopard on my head.

A tiger, no problem.
Same jungle.

I just know that
Fonzie's gonna show up.

Give him five more minutes,
and then I'll... I'll wave the flag.

Press on, huh?

Yeah, let's go, huh?

I'll be right back, Marion.

In the meantime,
you pray thee for me.

Over here is the spot
where Pinky would be

if Pinky was here.

And on this side of the ring,

the spot where Fonzie
will be if he shows up.

And on this side of
the ring, we have...

Boo Boo Fox...

and next to him, his partner,

a local favorite,
Mad Man Mahocky.

On the other side

of the ring we
have Filthy Marvin

and his partner, No Nose Quirk.

Good luck, No Nose.

No Nose, Boo Boo...

makes me think
I got a dull name.

But, th-that's
a story in itself.

Hi, girls.

I'm Ralph "the Flash" Malph.

I'm a driver here at the derby.

I guess you're pretty impressed.

They don't understand drivers.

And next, we have the
diabolical Count Mallachi,

and his brother Rocco.

Let the pigeons loose!

We have no pigeons.

That's the end of
the introductions.

While we're waiting for
some of the activities to begin,

let's go over the rules of
team Demolition Derby.

Each team is made up of two cars

and their, and their drivers...

uh, driving in a
marked, circled area.

The object of the contest is
to slam into the others' cars

until they're out of operation.

The winner is the last
car that can still move.

All drivers must wear
seat belts and helmets...

He's here! Fonzie's here!

Yes, it's car number
seven, Pinky Tuscadero,

and Arthur Fonzarelli
in car number six.

He showed up, ladies and
gentlemen, just as I expected.

Fonzie did it. He
fixed Pinky's car.

Woo-hoo!

Pinky, it goes with your hair.

Oh, it's just beautiful!

Hey, thanks for
busting up Pinky's car.

Sir Fonzo of the Milwaukee,

and his lovely maiden
Pinky of the derriere.

What's a derriere? Trust me.

Let's get on with this here.

Adieu.

Now, look, Marion, are you sure

you know what you're gonna say?

Course I do: Gentlemen,
start your engines.

That's perfect.

Hey, Myron, we're ready to go.

Never let "Myron" pass thy lips,

least my fist shall
smash thy face.

Right... Count. Count.

Pinky, where is your helmet?

I don't like a helmet.

It's not me... you know that.

Let's go.

Oh, that chick has got to learn.

You got to learn.

Now we'd like to take
you to the grandstand,

where Howard
Cunningham, the chairman

of the Leopard Lodge
Demolition Derby,

is waiting to start
the big event.

Howard?

Ladies and gentlemen,

here is your lovely starter,

Marion Cunningham.

Uh...

Gentlemen, start your junk!

Oh, Howard...

Count. I said Count.

He can't remember Count?

And now we're ready
for the derby to begin.

We'll be right back
after this message.

Oh, Howard, I'm sorry.

Start your junk... Marion...

Well, you... forget it.

Just-just-just wave
the flag, huh? Okay.

Wave, wave... No, no, Marion...

Drop it! I'm sorry.

Let loose the pigeons.

With the drop of the
flag, the derby begins.

All right, Pinky, that
a girl, go get them!

Not bad, not bad.

Hey, Mom should see us now, huh?

Rocco is going for the Fonz.

Watch out, sweetheart.

Pinky intercepts the hit.

I took the hit for you, Fonz.

Why'd you do that, Pinky?

I'd do anything for
you, you know that.

That a girl, Pinky,
that's why I love you!

You sure they won't be hurt?

Marion, they're wearing helmets,

and they got seat belts,

and they wear padded suits.

As long as they
stay in the cars,

they won't get hurt.

Oh, boy, I'll tell you,
I'm in my element now.

I'm gonna get
that guy, the Fonz.

Oh, that was a bad one.

How am I doing in my rear?
Tell me, how am I doing?

Watch out!

Wahoo!

This is Pinky's day, honey.

Fonzie to Filthy Marvin.

Come on, Pinky!

And Pinky hits
Lefty a good jolt.

She's a great driver,
ladies and gentlemen.

She can do it all.

Look at them go!

Hey, come on.

Oh, knave, thou
dare toucheth me?

I'll touch you...
get outta here!

The Mallachi Crunch in reverse.

Wow! You just saw it
yourself, ladies and gentlemen.

That's the Mallachi Crunch.

Now you know why they're known

as the terrors of
the demolition derby.

Look out, Count, it's the Fonz!

Give 'em another shot, Fonzie!

Whoa! Missed him on that one.

Come on, let's go.

All right, Count,
start counting.

Well done, Sir Fonzie.

All right, we got
'em huh, Pinky?

The Mallachi Crunch coming up.

Fonzie's car is stalled.

The Mallachis are
set up for the Crunch.

Yeah?

And now I'm not stalled.

He started the car.

He's moving, and he slips
through the Mallachi Crunch!

They've hit each other.

Fonzie escaped
the Mallachi Crunch.

Boy, those nerds
never learn, huh?

The Mallachis just
took out another car.

And with that crash,
flagman Potsie Weber

is on the field,
waving his yellow flag.

You remember Potsie... he
sang "America The Beautiful."

The yellow flag signals all cars

to proceed with extreme caution.

That's the third car to be
forced out of this derby.

There are many fascinating
human interest stories

which go on behind
the scenes at this derby.

We'd like to talk to Alfred
of Arnold's Restaurant

and see how he feels
about these delays.

You're on the air.

Hi, I'm Alfred of Arnold's.

And how do you feel
about these delays?

Hi, I'm Alfred of Arnold's.

They've started up again,
and we're back to action

with only six cars
left in the derby.

It looks like Lefty
Banducci is stalled.

Here's some flour
for you, sonny.

And Rocco throws
flour in his face!

And Lefty can't see.

Is that fair?

In a demolition derby,
Marion, everything is fair.

They gotta crunch
again... They are boring.

Come on, Fonzie, go!

I'm going.

Whoo!

Whoa, what a hit.

Rocco's going to try

the flour trick on Fonzie.

Fonzie, I have some
fine flour for you.

Rocco's throwing
flour at Fonzie,

and Fonzie pulls
out a hair dryer.

That's not fair!

Oh, you little devil.

How about that,
ladies and gentlemen?

Fonzie beat the Mallachis
at their own game.

Hey, Fonzie got
them with a hair dryer.

Wow!

You told me we
were going to have

a nice close-up place...
Look how far we are.

There it is, folks.

We have another
break in the action.

And there goes Potsie
Weber with his yellow flag.

Let's shake up that Potsie kid!

The flag goes up, and
the contest continues.

Come on, Pinky!

We're definitely too close!

There are only two teams left,

ladies and gentlemen.

Fonzie and Pinky
are squaring off

against the Mallachi brothers,

and to come this
far in the derby,

you know these
drivers have to be good.

They have to be able to charge

and hit with their backs while
they protect their engines.

I'm sure the Mallachis will
try and get them in a crunch.

Are you ready, sweetheart?

Because we're gonna get
into this big crunch now.

Now, you keep
communications open...

and you protect your nose.

Hey, sweetheart,

I am serious... I'm talking
about the nose of your car.

You know, you've got
the prettiest little eyes.

You know, you show
the best taste, huh?

Are you ready?

Darling, I was born ready.

Oh, man, I like your style.

You shall take the fair maiden,

and I shall take
the gallant knight.

Right!

Which one do I have?

The girl in the
pink, the pink car!

I got the girl! I got the girl!

Let's go, and just
be careful, huh?

I want you in one piece.

Whoo! All right,
let's get 'em, huh?

All right.

Arthur Fonzarelli
in car number six

and Pinky Tuscadero in
car number seven are ready

to face the Mallachi brothers
as the derby continues.

Oh... oh...

Go get 'em!

I got the pink one!

All right, Pinky,
watch him, watch him.

Hello, Pinky! Take this!

Hey!

Come on, Pinky!

And Fonzie cuts off Rocco

and keeps him
from hitting Pinky.

I'm on his tail,
I'm on his tail.

Look out, you dirty...

Fonzarelli just missed
a close one there, folks.

Hey, look at Pinky
move. All right.

Watch out for the Crunch.

I saw him, I saw him.

Whoa, there, easy!

All right, watch your
left, watch your left.

There she is! I got her!

I missed her. All
right, I'll get her.

Whoa!

Oh, Pretty Eyes, Pretty Eyes.

I can't see those
eyes through the dust.

Take that!

Ah, so fun!

Oh, that was a good one.

Well done once again!

Be careful, Pinky, be careful.

I'm going back at her, Myron.

Oh, she took a
bad hit from Rocco.

Oh, it looks like
Pinky's car is stalled.

She's trying, but she
can't get it started.

What are you doing, Pinky?

Fonz, I'm stuck.

Ah, fair Pinky...

the Mallachi Crunch.

Pinky's crawling out
to try and fix her engine.

No, no, no. No!

Pinky, watch it!

Pinky!

Come on!

Oh, I didn't know
she'd be out on there.

She's hurt.

Pinky Tuscadero has been hurt.

This is the first
casualty in today's derby.

I just hope it's
nothing too serious.

Back off, will you?
Give her some air!

Hey, look at me, look at me.

How are you?

Oh, I'm all right... it
wasn't high. Yeah, yeah.

You better let the doc
check you out, all right?

Oh, I wanted us to win.

Hey, don't worry
about it, us will win.

Kill 'em, winner.

Yeah, thanks.

All right, listen, you
look after Pinky, huh?

I'll take care of
the Mallachis, huh?

All right, you be
careful with her.

All right, here, take her.

Easy...

Easy.

Pinky appears to be okay,

but as a precautionary measure,

they're rushing her to
the hospital for X-rays.

Did you see that
look on Fonzie's face?

Fonzie is really angry!

Fonzie, are you all right?

I've never seen
such determination.

Well, I just hope
determination is enough,

because it's still
two against one.

This is for you, Pinky.

♪ Good-bye gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪