Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 3, Episode 8 - Howard's 45th Fiasco - full transcript

The Cunningham family unintentionally make things worse when they stage a "This Is Your Life" birthday evening to try to lift 45-year-old Howard out of a mid-life crisis.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪



Happy Days is filmed
before a live audience.

Happy birthday, Dad!
Happy birthday, Howard.

HOWARD: Oh,
thank you, thank you.

How old are you now, Dad?

Well, sweetheart, I
am 43-years-young.

Excuse me, dear, you're 45.

Oh... Sorry, dear, I'm 43.

Pardon me, Howard, you're 45.

I'm 43, Marion. 45.

Look, a birthday fight.

I've never seen a
birthday fight before.

We're not fighting children,
we're just disagreeing.

Forty-five.

I'm 43, and I can
prove it to you.

You better quit
while you're ahead.

No, no, no.

I can prove it.

Now look, I was 31-years-old
when Joanie was born, right?

Right. Joanie is 12.

12 and 31 is 43.

I'm 43-years-old, Marion.

But Dad, I'm 14.

You're 12, Joanie.

Richie, she is 12, isn't she?

I'm 14.

But you act like you're ten.

Oh, sit on it.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Are you sure you're 14?

Do I look 12?

You see, dear, you're 45.

Oh, my goodness.

I swore I was 43.

Well, it's not that
much difference, dear.

Yeah, my gym teacher told us,

once you're over the hill,
what's the difference how far?

MARION: Joanie.

Well, she's not a very
good teacher, anyways.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

Yeah, thanks, sweetheart.
I've got to get to school.

(door opens)

I sure wish I was 43
again. (door closes)

Why, Dad? 45 isn't old.

It certainly isn't, you
do the same things now

that you did 20 years ago.

That's more depressing
than being 45.

20 years ago, I had big dreams.

I wanted to go to Tahiti and
be a great painter like Gauguin.

Oh, Howard, you
wouldn't like Tahiti.

You know you hate
sand between your toes.

I'm 45,

and I do exactly the same
things I did 20 years ago.

MARION: Not exactly.

Exactly, Marion.

I'm going to work.

Just like I do every day.

I'll see you all later.

What's it like out, dear?

The same.

Where is everybody?

Arnold?

ARNOLD: Yeah?

Who is it?

Oh, Mr. Cunningham.

Uh, I'm closed.

Well, how come?

Today is Confuciu"
birthday, I always close.

I thought you were Japanese.

Yeah, on my father's side.

My mother is Chinese.

See, I speak Japanese,
Chinese, Korean,

a little Hungarian.

Well, tell me something.
What do you consider yourself?

Good looking.

Arnold, I came in here
to buy some ice cream

for a birthday party tonight.

No kidding!

I thought I was the only one

in Milwaukee celebrate
Confucius' birthday.

No, you don't understand,

it also happens
to be my birthday.

Oh, well, I'll get you
the ice cream later,

right now I got to
finish some work.

You come inside, we talk.

Okay. Okay.

Boy, I bet there aren't
many people in this country

who know that today is
Confucius' birthday, huh?

Oh, that's okay.

Lots of people in China
don't know it's your birthday.

Uh, let's see.

Where I was... oh, yeah.

That's the work you had to do?

Oh, yeah, I almost finished.

This the last wall.

You write this stuff? Huh?

I always thought
the kids did it.

Oh, the kids not funny.

I write the good stuff,
bring in the crowds.

See, look at this.

"Want a good time, call Emma."

(laughs)

Oh, for such a big day,
you don't look so happy.

Well, I guess it's just because

I never got a chance
to go to Tahiti.

What?

Oh, let me put it
this way, Arnold.

You see, I woke up today

and I realized I
was 45-years-old,

and I've never really
done anything exciting.

Oh, whose life exciting?

Look at me, it's
Confucius' birthday

and I'm writing on
a bathroom wall.

I'm just like you.

I'm just another John Doe.

Yeah, but my life
has always been dull.

Mine, too.

I don't even know Emma.

♪ Do-do, do-do ♪

♪ Do-do ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh. ♪
He's here!

Does he still look sad?

He's getting out of the car.

He's dancing.

Oh, great. No, he
stepped in something.

Oh.

Now he's coming
and he looks all right.

Hi, dear!

Hi, sweetheart,
here's your ice cream.

Joanie, take this,
will you dear?

Now, dear, we want you
to come right over here

and sit down in the
chair and make yourself.

Well, I would like
to go upstairs and...

No, no. No, no.

What do I have to
sit over here for?

It's nice on your birthday.

Oh, come on.

Hey, let's watch
a little television.

How can I watch television
when I'm facing the other way?

Oh, we're in luck.

This is Your Life is on.

No, Richard, that's
on Sunday nights.

No, it's tonight.

This is your life,
Howard Cunningham!

Aren't we devils?

Come on now, this is ridiculous.

That's just what I told
him, but who listens to me?

RICHIE: Yes, Howard Cunningham,

or Cookie Cunningham,
as you are known

in Army mess halls
around the world.

On the occasion of
your 45th birthday,

we proudly present your life,

with my co-host and
co-master of ceremonies,

one of your best friends
in the neighborhood.

Lester's here from the lodge?

No, no. Oh, you got
Jack from the store.

No, we didn't get Jack.

Well, who did you get?

Come on out, best friend!

It's the best I could
do on short notice.

It's great to be here, Mr. C.

I didn't know I was
one of your close friends

till Richie told
me this afternoon.

It's been a secret.

We can pal around together.

Go to a ball game.

Oh, sure we can, Potsie.

RICHIE: Now moving right along.

I'm not taking him
to any ball game.

Now, on with This is Your
Life, Howard Cunningham.

Mom, will you get ready please?

Howard Cunningham, now
we look into the dim recesses

of your life history.

You wrote all
this stuff yourself?

Yeah, Dad. Oh, boy.

The dim recesses
of your life history,

the life that you
think is the same thing

over and over. Hmm.

You think your life is dull.

(chuckles)

Dig this voice, Mr. C.

Does it remind you of anyone?

Who's that lady?

WOMAN: I remember
Howard's third grade spelling bee.

Is that Mom?

You brought Mom up from Florida!

Come on out, Mom!

No, no, Dad, Dad,
it's not Grandma, no.

But here direct from
some old teacher's home

is Miss Florence Prism,
your third-grade teacher!

(pained gasp)

Oh, I'm very sorry.
She's all right.

Miss, Miss, Miss
Florence Prism. yes.

POTSIE: How about that?!

Are you all right?

Oh, Howard, how you've grown!

Mrs. Prism, I'm over here.

Oh.

Boy, did you get fat.

Miss Prism, tell us
in your own words

the exciting story of
how Howard Cunningham

won the annual
third-grade spelling contest.

He didn't win it.

That was his smart
cousin Lawrence.

Howard went down the
tube in the first round.

Sit down, Miss Prism,
this is going to be fun.

Well, not so far.

Let's move on.

And now Howard Cunningham,
we move from public school

on to high school, where
you discovered a new talent.

Here's another
voice from your past.

RALPH (Italian accent): Howard,
you played the horn so well.

And who doesn't remember
when it rained during halftime

and you threw yourself over
the horn so it wouldn't rust.

Do you recognize that
voice from the past?

Sure, it's Ralph Malph.

But he's standing in

for your old bandmaster
Professor Wilhelm Schmidt!

Bon giorno! Bon giorno!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Professor Schmidt was a German!

I don't do German.

You don't do Italian either.

The real Professor Schmidt
was unavailable this evening.

We went to his house and
he sicced his dogs on us.

That's how he used
to get us to march.

Looks terrific, pal.

We don't have to
go to a ball game.

We can go to the fights.

I'm busy.

When?

All the time.

Howard, show them why

they nicknamed you "Magic Lips".

(plays discordant notes)

And he's just warming up.

No, I think that's
it. I lost my lip.

(plays discordant notes)

Howard, that's
rotten. R O T T E N.

I can't stand any more of this,

I'm gonna go home and
look at Have Gun, Will Travel.

The best is yet to come.

Yeah, what best?

I can't even close this coat.

And now, Howard, how
about your lovely family,

which all started
with this voice?

MARION: Howard, your
first words to me were,

"What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?"

Who is that?

That's right, Howard,

that's your bride, the
former Marion Kelp,

here to re-create

the most important
day of your life!

♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly, I do... ♪

You may kiss the bride.

I'll try, but you
know I lost my lip.

That's-a nice.

Sit down, Schmidt.

As the years went on,
your accomplishments grew.

Yes, it was just this past year

when you took a
stray lad off the streets.

Here he is now, a member
of the Cunningham family.

Do you recognize this voice?

FONZIE: Hey...!

That one I know.

Yes, here he is!

All the way from upstairs, huh?

POTSIE: Arthur
Fonzarelli, the Fonz!

Whoa! I have to
tell you something.

You look great in that hat,

You know this family is
F-U-N, fun? Fun, man! Whoa!

Mr. C is going to
take me to the fights.

I'm not... No, wait a minute,
Fonz, will you read this?

It's all right, Dad.
Just read that, please.

"Howard Cunningham."

That's you.

"You took this cool
cat off the street

"and put a roof over my head,

"not to mention an occasional

warm meal in my tummy"?
Who wrote this? Hey!

We all did. Please?

All right, all right,
cool it, cool it!

"But more, but more than
just making a home for me,

you befriended my bike."

Hey, that was
great. I like that.

"You gave it a beautiful
home, a nice paved driveway

and what did you
ask for all this?"

Nothing.

Nothing, my kazoo. 50 bucks
a month for a one walkup?

I want to tell you something,
if I'm late for the rent,

this man turns purple on me.

Thank you, Fonz, thank you.

Uh, now let me read these
other accomplishments...

Uh, Richie, I think this
has gone far enough.

You almost made the
high school basketball team.

(cheering)

You almost got your picture
in the Hardware Journal.

(cheering)

You almost were Grand
Poobah of your lodge!

(cheering)

Listen to this.

You almost won the
Irish Sweepstakes!

(cheering)

Hold it, hold it!

That's enough.

I want you all to know how
much I appreciate this party.

But you've just proved to me

that my life is not
worth looking back at.

Excuse me. MARION: Howard!

JOANIE: Where are you going?

Where are you going, Howard?

I'm going upstairs
to take a bath,

and then I'm going to Tahiti!

Does that mean we're
not going to the fights?

Well, how'd it go
at the store, dear?

Oh, great.

I opened a can of
paint, I, uh, I sold a hose

and a hammer, and I spent
three hours assorting screws.

Well, it was very nice of
you to help your father out

at the store today.

This birthday business
really got him down.

Even this morning,
all he could do

was walk around
muttering "Tahiti."

Is you father with you?

No, he went home
a few hours ago.

He was depressed, so you
know, I gave him the day off.

That's nice.

That's the bathroom
door, that must be him.

Joanie.

What?

I thought you were your father.

No, he's the hefty man
with the deep voice.

Is Dad upstairs?

No, I saw him about 1:00.

He took a bottle
of suntan lotion,

and said something about
Tahiti, and walked out.

Why didn't you stop him?

Well, there's plenty
more suntan lotion.

Cut it out, Joanie.

Mom, where do you think he went?

I don't know.

Maybe he really went to Tahiti.

Oh, now, don't be silly.

Now everything is just fine.

I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for this.

Your father has run
away from home.

Uh, why would he
just go off like this?

Haven't I been a good wife?

Sure, you have.

It couldn't be my cooking.

He was thin when I married him.

I never asked for a mink coat.

I was happy with cloth.

And when his ulcer hurt
him, didn't I rub his stomach?

Counter-clockwise.

Oh, where did I go wrong?

Oh, yeah, hey, Mrs. C., listen.

I didn't get a chance
to go shopping today.

Can I just borrow
a can of beans,

I'll get out of your hair.

Oh... Hey, it's all
right, I'll eat out.

Fonz, Dad hasn't gotten
home from work yet.

(sobbing)

Yeah, but he'll be
home any minute.

I mean, it's probably nothing.

Nothing, Richard?

Being deserted and left with
two little children is not nothing.

We think Dad ran away from home.

Ain't he a little old for that?

Oh, it's my fault.

I drove him out.

I probably said, "Sit on it,
Howard," once too often.

No, it's my fault.

I've been kidding him ever
since I got taller than he is...

No, Richie, it's not your fault.

It's not my fault,
I'm still short.

All right, all right, all right,

now come on, calm
down, everybody, huh?

Let's not panic.

I'm going to take charge here.

I'll have that man back in
his house, huh? Like that.

All right. See?

Nothing to worry about,
everything will be fine.

Fonzie will find your father.

Well, I'm just going to
go upstairs and lie down.

Okay... And think...

just think...

yesterday he was
having his birthday party.

Sitting in his chair.

Things just... aren't the same.

Richie, I'm scared.

Joanie, everything is
going to be fine, okay?

But Mom, she looked so sad.

Yeah, but she'll
probably snap out of it.

(tuba blows note)

(Marion sobbing)

It may take a while.

RICHIE: Hi, Fonz.
I heard your bike.

You didn't find him, huh?

Hey, there's nothing
to worry about.

It's just a matter of
time, I'm closing in.

Well, listen, it's
4:00 in the morning.

Why don't you just quit?

Hey, I work best at
4:00 in the morning.

I'm hot on his trail.

Now, listen, you just go
to sleep, you sleep tight,

don't let those bedbugs bite.

You wake up in the morning,
and you'll see your father.

Okay, Fonz. All right.

Listen, thanks.

Hey, don't worry about it.

Who am I kidding?

I don't even know where he is.

I thought I knew every
place to hide in Milwaukee.

"Taffy called. Couldn't sleep.

Liza called. Says
she loves you."

Hey, she loves me.

"Taffy still can't sleep.

Cheryl, look for my earring."

Look for your earring?

Phone messages?

Who took the...
Oh, no, don't tell me.

Come on out, Mr. C.

Hi, Fonzie.

I guess you wonder
what I'm doing here, huh?

Well, I left the phone
number with the airlines.

You see, all the flights
to Tahiti are booked up.

So they're going to call
me if there's a cancellation.

I guess a lot of guys
turned 45 this week.

So you're just going to wait
here for your phone messages?

Yeah, you just go
about your business.

I won't get in your way.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'll go about my business.

Now my business
is looking for you!

Now I don't mean
to scold you, Mr. C.,

but I've been out all
night looking for you.

And so have my friends.

And your family is worried sick!

So why don't you
just go downstairs,

and be with your wife?

Shh. No, no!

I don't want them to find me.

Now, look, I told them
I was going to Tahiti

and they laughed at me.

All right, let me just
ask you one question.

What are you running away for?

You wouldn't understand.

The Fonz wouldn't understand?

The "Dear Abby" of
Arnold's wouldn't understand?

How can you understand a man

whose whole life
has been dull, huh?

A man that's had no dreams.

You with your ten
telephone messages,

how could you understand?

Oh, what's the difference.

You're the Fonz, and
I'm Cookie Cunningham.

I'm 45 years old and I'm never
going to do anything great.

Now, how could you
understand that, huh?

Let me tell you something.

I understand
you're 45 years old.

I also understand
that you're wrong.

You do something great
everyday of your life.

You take care of business, Jack.

You take care of your
family, your wife and your kids.

Anybody can do that!

Poppycock!

Poppycock?

I know an old man who split
when I was four years old.

Your father?

You know what he left me?

He left me a strong
box and no key.

I had to run over that thing

three or four times
with my tricycle.

Then I finally sprung the lock.

You know what was inside?

Yeah. The key and that's it!

Well, my family isn't
going to have that problem.

Look at this.

I want you to see that Richie
gets all of these things, huh?

Look, regular savings account,

emergency account,
kid's college fund, huh?

Look at this, paid up
life insurance policy,

home owner's policy,
and the keys to the store.

Now you give these to Richie,

tell him the store's
got to be opened

every morning at 9:00.

The first thing he's got
to do is turn off the alarm.

Now just leave me alone and
let me wait here for my phone call.

Hey, Mr. C., I don't think
they're going to need the key.

Richie is going
to sell the store.

S-S-S-Sell... sell
Cunningham's Hardware Store?

It took me 25 years to
build up that business!

My life's blood is in it!

Yeah, well, he thinks he
can get $3,000, $4,000,

$5,000 for it.

$5,000?

He's crazy!

That wouldn't cover
the down payment.

Oh, Marion wouldn't
let him do that.

Marion? She don't care.

She's going to go back to
school, finish her studies.

Archeology?

Oh, she's got rocks in her head.

She's got to stay home
and take care of Joanie.

Joanie? Don't
worry about Joanie.

She's going to quit school in a
couple of years and get married.

But she's only 12 years old!

Fourteen.

What difference does it make?

Oh, my God, my God!

I haven't even gone yet and my whole
family's gone to pot! (phone ringing)

Hello.

Yes, this is Howard Cunningham.

Are you crazy?

I can't go to Tahiti now,

my family's going nuts.

What am I telling you this for?

Just give the ticket to
another 45-year-old man.

Give me that stuff.

I've got to go downstairs
and straighten them out.

I can't leave them
alone for one minute!

Thanks, Fonzie.

Hey.

Now what is that man
going to do if I move?

Good night, dear. So
nice to have you home.

Good night, sweetheart.

I'll be right up.

I want to talk to
Richard for a minute.

Don't be too long.

Richard... Dad, it's
5:00 in the morning.

Couldn't we talk after lunch?

Well, I'd like to get
this off my chest now.

Look, I, uh, I went kind
of crazy today, and...

and I was all wrong.

I guess I've got a
lot to be thankful for.

I've got a smart son who
wants to go to college,

even though he thinks
Potsie's my best friend,

and I've got a lovely
daughter with a fresh mouth,

who when she's
not talking, is a doll.

And then, I've got a wife
who's more beautiful today

than she was the
first day I met her.

A wife who's
kind, considerate...

Did you hear what I said?

I sure did.

More... more.

Howard, you
haven't lost your lip!

(phone ringing)

Whoa.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, the airline lady.

Right.

Oh, yeah, he's a little crazy,

but you take that
as a cancellation.

Well, now, now, wait a minute.

Don't go away so fast.

Yeah, now let's talk about
something important, like you.

What's a nice lady like you
doing in a place like that, huh?

Yeah, a dull humdrum life.

Why don't you throw
down your pencil

and hustle over to my place

and be cool for the
first time in your life?

What?

What did you say?

What makes me think I'm so cool?

♪ Sunday, Monday happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday happy
days ♪ (phone ringing)

♪ Saturday, what a day... ♪

That makes me think I'm so cool.

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪