Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 3, Episode 18 - Football Frolics - full transcript

In order to earn money for a football game, Richie, Ralph & Potsie decide to baby sit 15 kids at the same time. Including a streetwise boy named Booker Brown (provided by LaVerne & Shirley). Fonz has a stand-off with a bratty kid named Myron and then the kids lose control,leading Fonzie to call in a "professional"...Spike!

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪



♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

ANNOUNCER: Eddie Brown hands off

to the league's leading
rusher, Rick Cosara.

Cosara crashes through
to the 35 yard line,

a gain of seven
yards on the play.

Now the Cardinals
use up their last time out

with just seconds left in
this crucial deciding game

of the season.

The Bears with
the ball on their own

35 yard line, Eddie
Brown in at quarterback.

Eddie back into the
pocket, looking down field,

passing to Harlan Hill,
but the pass is picked off

by Leonard Roe, Roe
looking for daylight.

He's at the 45, the 50...

before he's brought
down to the 52 yard line.

Why don't the Bears play
their other quarterback?

Come off it, Richie,
that guy's washed up.

He's old, he's 30.
He's got no future.

No, you're wrong,
George Blanda has

two or three good
years left in him.

ANNOUNCER: Okay,
McCann in a crucial play.

Looking downfield, he's got to
make long yardage in this play.

The receivers are covered,
he's going to keep it.

He's heading for the
sidelines, he may not make it.

There's only six
seconds left in the game.

ALL: Five, four,
three, two, one.

(cheering)

That means if the
Bears win next week,

they play for the title, huh?

I'd give anything to
get tickets to that game.

Yeah, well, forget about it.

Those tickets go faster than
dates with the Macker sisters.

Hey, I got a date with the
Macker sisters next Friday.

Oh. Both of them?

Yeah, they're my warm
up for the Lombardi Triplets.

Hey, Fonz.

Hey, watch out for my hair.

All right.

Go deep, Richie. Hey!

Whoa. Ah!

Howard, I've been
sitting out in that car

Mom! For ten minutes.

(cheering)

How can they start the meeting

unless the chairman is there?

Marion, the Bears beat the
Cardinals by seven points.

That means if they
beat Detroit next week,

they play the Giants in New
York for the championship,

first time in eight years.

I'm not interested
in this at all, Howard.

Now, if you're not coming,

I'll just take a cab
to the meeting.

I mean, it's your
lodge, not mine.

I did not want to be chairman

of the Milwaukee
Mardi Gras Ball.

Have to dress up in a
costume and look like a fool.

Oh, you wore the
fool's costume last year.

You looked so
cute in little bells

and little pointy toes.
That's enough, Marion.

Now, boys, do not play
football in the house.

RICHIE: Mom,
what about our ball?

Didn't think I could
hike it, did you?

Hey, Dad, what do you think?

You think we could get
tickets to that Bears game?

Oh, Richie, that's impossible.

Too bad, too.

You know, the last time I
went to see a Bear game,

it was the most exciting
game I ever saw. Yeah.

Hey, when was that, Mr. C?

Thirty-nine.

Wow, they played
football back then?

Yes, Potsie, they
played back then,

only they wore animal
skins and played in bare feet.

(laughs)

"Did they play back then?"

In those days, football
was a man's game.

The guys had guts, they
weren't afraid of anything.

MARION: Howard!

I'm coming dear.

I'd really like to go to that

Bears-Lions game;
I really would.

Will you stop dreaming, Rich?

You know how I hate
to be disappointed.

There's no way we
can get tickets, right?

Wrong.

You know how we can get tickets?

Hey, I just implied
that, didn't I?

No one ever gets
my drift anymore.

Oh, yeah, I got it all right.

The Fonz comes through again!

All right, I'll take one
on the 50 yard line

about halfway up, Fonz.

Could you make that a
pair near a bathroom?

You know, the cold
weather and everything.

Whoa.

Yeah, well this is really
great, Fonz, thanks a lot.

That's all right, but you got
to do me one little favor first.

Favor? Yeah, of which
you owe me many.

Now I promised my nephew, Spike,

I'd take him to
the game all year.

I haven't done it yet 'cause it
is an outdoor, spectator sport.

So?

So I might chap my lips,

which would ruin my
indoor participation sport.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I get it.

So you want us to
take Spike to the game?

Exact-a-mundo.

That'd be all right,
don't you think?

Yeah, he's cool. Yeah.

Okay, Fonz, just
one little detail.

What's that?

Where do we get these tickets?

From Arnold. Arnold?

Hamburger Arnold with the hat?

What would Arnold
know about football?

Nothing, but he knows
a lot about money.

He's got ticket connections
all the way in Chicago.

I kind of hate to bring this up,

but I mean, we
could've talked to Arnold.

Yeah, but you wouldn't
have, 'cause you didn't know.

Now I tell you guys to keep your
eyes and ears open all the time, right?

Yeah. All right, let's
go talk to Arnold.

And you owe me a favor.

Oh, good, I get to ride
on a train to Chicago.

Hey, Fonz, when
we're in Chicago,

have you got any hot
numbers for us to call?

Oh, yeah, listen,
you got to call Maria.

RICHIE, RALPH &
POTSIE: Oh, Maria?

Tell us, Fonz, why
should we call her?

Because no one has
called her in a long time.

♪ He's a joker ♪

♪ He's a bird ♪

♪ A very funny joker... ♪

All right, Spike, get in here.

Hey, Fonz. Hi, Fonzie.

Hey, Fonz.

Hey, Spike, this motley crew

is going to take you
to the football game.

Yeah, we'll take
care of you, kid.

Yeah, you'll have
a real good time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Can't touch him.
Never touch him.

Okay, okay, I got it.

By the way, Fonz,
where's Arnold?

Oh, yeah, Arnold's going
to be in here in a sec.

Listen, I got this girl
warming up my couch, huh?

So I got to split.

Behave yourself.

Okay, Uncle Fonzie. All right.

ALL: Uncle Fonzie.

FONZIE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Later, yeah, you get yourself

some new numbers off
the wall up there, all right?

Later.

I have this one
and I have this one.

Here's a new one.

Hey, that is a new one.
That is a new one, yeah.

SPIKE: Gotta get that.

Angie.

Hey, boys.

Hey, there's Arnold!

Where are the tickets?
You got the tickets?

Shh!

What are you doing?

POTSIE: All right!

RICHIE: Fantastic!

Look at this, guys,
ten dollar seats!

Look at that location!

Where'd you get these tickets?

See, every year
before the big game,

Yeah? I go to Chicago.

Yeah. And as I was walking

in front of the Bulgarian
dental floss factory,

a guy in the doorway
say, "Psst, come here."

I say, "Psst, what for?"

He offer to sell the tickets.

I offer to buy the tickets.

A couple of "pssts,"
a few dollar later,

I got tickets to the big game.

Oh, man, that's great.

I never thought we'd
get tickets this good.

Oh, you're doing me a favor.

See, every year I get
them for my butcher,

he put less fat
in the hamburger.

Oh, he can't go this year, huh?

No, no, his daughter
getting married.

Rump Roast Emma.

Oh, come on, come
on, you guy, uh, $80.

$80? Arnold, that's $20 a piece.

These are ten dollar tickets.

Oh, you tell me where
you going to get them

for ten dollar, Potsie?

Mr. Psst in the
doorway, charge me 20.

I just trying to break even.

Come on, Arnold, 80
bucks is a lot of money.

Not too much,
the butcher pay it.

Yeah, but we can't, we
can't afford that kind of loot.

You break my
chopsticks for tickets

and you ain't got money to pay?

Oh, no, no, no, you
see, what Potsie means is

that we don't have the
money in hand. Yeah.

You ain't got the
tickets in hand, either.

SPIKE: Hey, Arnold.

Here's my money.

Eh, see okay,
here's your ticket.

That's a good boy. Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

POTSIE: Never touch him, Arnold.

Don't touch... yeah.

We'll see you later, Spike.

Bye, Spike.

SPIKE: Later.

Okay, come on now.

It's up to you
three big spenders.

Okay, we can get the money,

but you got to give
us till next week.

Yeah, as a favor, come on.

To your friends, come on, guys.

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly
good fellow... ♪

Oh, come on, you guys
ain't going to butter me down.

Okay, I tell you... I
give you till Monday.

And, uh, if I get
stuck with the tickets,

I gonna lock you
out of Arnold's for life.

Maybe even a couple day longer.

What, is that a punishment?

Where are we going to
come up with twenty bucks?

We'll ask our fathers.

Mine won't give me a dime.

Mine won't either.

Well, I'll talk to my dad.

You know, sometimes I
can hustle him pretty good.

Oh, yeah? RICHIE: Yeah.

Let's go watch him, Pots.

Maybe we can learn the method.

I'm tired of my method.

What method's that?

I tell my parents that
you're staying overnight.

I do not want to
wear this costume

to the ball, Marion.

Well, if I'm going as Cleopatra,

you have to go as Caesar.

JOANIE: Hi.

Hey, great costume.

Are you going as
the Statue of Liberty?

I'm Julius Caesar.

What do you think of it?

No wonder they stabbed him.

She's getting such a
fresh mouth, Marion.

She's starting to sound
just like your mother.

Yeah, and you're
starting to dress like her.

Joanie!

I know, I know, upstairs.

It's the price I pay
for a spontaneous wit.

(snickering)

I don't think your
father was expecting us.

Come on, don't be dumb.

It's his Mardi Gras costume. Oh.

Now you watch me go
to work and get the cash.

Okay.

Uh, (laughs)

Mr. C, what are you going
as, the Statue of Liberty?

Yes.

You look like a Roman.

I feel more like an unmade bed.

Hey, that's funny,
Dad; that's really funny.

Hey, he's got a wit, doesn't he?

Oh, really, witty, yeah. I
think you're a witty guy.

Have an apple, Dad.

Oh, look, my son
gave me an apple.

What do you want, my son?

Well, you know
what happened, Dad?

We got tickets to the game.

Money, he wants money.

He's sharp. As a tack.

He's quick, very quick.

Tell me, what kind
of tickets did you get?

Oh, we got great seats.

The best, ten dollars.

Ten dollar tickets, huh? Yeah.

Well, all right, what the heck.

It isn't often you get
to see a big game.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll loan you the ten dollars,

and you can work it off
in the store on Saturdays.

Uh, Dad, you see,
the only thing is,

that actually, I need 20.

20, what for?

Well, that's how
much the tickets cost.

You said ten.

Yeah, but you can't
get them for that.

$20 for football tickets?
That's the going rate.

Well, look, I don't
care if the scalpers

can get some suckers to
lay out that kind of money,

they're not going
to get it from me.

$20 for a football g...
Will you stop shaking?

It'd just be a loan,
I'll pay you back.

I promise. Not a dime.

Not a single dime,
do you hear me?

RALPH: I got it. I got it.

Do you hear me, world? I got it!

Guys, the old Malph
brain has done it again.

We are going to the game.

Where's the old Malph
brain going to get the money?

Baby-sitting.

Baby-sitting?

Now, listen, of course, if
we baby-sit for just one kid,

like Joanie does, it'll
take us ten years, right?

But if we baby-sit for
15 kids at the same time,

we're in like Flynn!

Fifteen? RALPH: Right.

Volume baby-sitting.

What, the night
of the Mardi Gras?

Right. We can let
them stay overnight.

It'll be just like camp.

The kids will love it.

Yeah, it might work.

Of course it will work.

Where are we
going to get the kids?

It's not easy to plan with him.

I can get the list of all
the members... that's easy.

I'm telling you,
guys, this is the plan.

Hey, remember when I
was a counselor at camp?

I still have my
shorts and whistle.

Good old Camp Yukamuck.

Volume baby-sitting.

I think that's going to work.

Boy, Ralph, and
people say you're dumb.

Yeah.

People say I'm dumb?

I mean, we're practically

on the 50 yard line right now.

Yeah, we can entertain the kids.

I'll even sing.

I'll do my magic tricks.

You can tell your jokes, Ralph.

Who said I'm dumb?
Who? Who? My father?

I was born in a frying pan.

Just to see how old I am.

POTSIE & KIDS:
One, two, three...

Simon says put your
hands over your ears.

Put your hands like this.

I never said Simon Says!
I win, I win! I'm the best!

Okay, Myron, you're going to
be in, uh, Uncle Ralphie's group.

You got to watch him.

He has a tendency
to put gum in his hair.

Why do you give
me all the crazies?

Because you're the
only counselor who goes,

"I win, I win, I win."

Now, Myron, we've just
got one rule here, see?

When you want to
go to the bathroom,

you raise your hand.

Oh, come on, now.

Hey, quit it, will you?

Uh, there's more to
baby-sitting than that, Richie.

Oh, you're just jealous
because we got all your business.

I mean, we might do
this every week, huh?

What?! A lot of these
kids are my customers.

Hey, that's tough,
Joanie. This is business.

Now remember what
Harry Truman said:

"If you can't stand the heat,
you get out of the kitchen."

Well, just remember what he
said to General MacArthur, too.

RICHIE & RALPH: What?

"Sit on it, Douglas."

Is that where we
got that phrase?

(knock on door)

Hey, we got more
business, more money.

Hey, come on, I'm
playing with this, come on.

Hi, Richie. Oh. Hi, Shirley.

We brought you a little friend
for your Camp Cunningham.

He's very anxious
to be here. Okay.

Get him, Laverne!

You bite me one more time,

and you're going to get it!

You remember Laverne.

Oh, sure. How are you doing?

Lousy. Oh.

Listen, can you...

you take care of
this kid for us tonight?

Oh, yeah. We got a slogan here:

"We never met a
tyke we didn't like."

I'm getting out of here.

No, no, it's not
that bad, Booker.

Yeah. Uh, Booker Brown,
meet Richie Cunningham.

He will be safe here, won't he?

I promised his mother
we'd sit for him tonight.

She promises on the same night

I set up a double
date for dinner

with two big spenders.

We can order hors d'oeuvres.

Yeah, sure, he'll be safe.

How'd you hurt your arm, huh?

Trying to break up a fight.

Oh, some kids on the block.

No, Shirley and Laverne.

Well, uh, why don't you
go over there with the gang?

What time are you
going to pick him up?

How about October? Laverne!

September?

No sense of responsibility.

She wanted to
leave him in a locker

in the bus terminal
for the night.

I was kidding.

Hmm. We'll pick
him up about 12:00.

Okay. Now, I-I got to charge
you three bucks, though.

The locker's only a quarter.

Laverne!

It was a joke.

I don't like your jokes.

Yes, you do. I don't.

You always laugh
when I go like that.

(laughs) Or like that.

Okay, Booker, welcome
to Camp Cunningham.

Is there a back door?

Yeah, sure.

See ya.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where are you going?

Hey, it's Saturday night.

So long, chump.

Chump?

This the way you watch your kid?

Oh, well, it won't happen again.

Want to bet?

Get him, Shirl. Pick him up.

Uh, what are you doing?

We're taking his shoes.

You're taking my shoes again?

That's right.

Now, you will get these back
when we come to pick you up.

Bring 'em back shined.

(laughs)

He's only a child. Right.

What are we going to do
with those shoes all night?

They're small. Let's hang
'em from the rearview mirror.

I'm not laughing at
your jokes anymore.

Booker, you be a good boy.

You could grow up to
be president some day.

What, are you lying to the kid?

He's not going to
grow up to be president.

He can be president.

He's got a broken arm, no
shoes, and a lot of other problems.

He could be president, Laverne!

He's not going to
be president, Shirley.

Come on, Rich, the
kids are getting restless.

Yeah, right. Okay, everybody,
let's get in a circle, okay?

POTSIE: All right. Come on.

Everybody get in a circle.

And let's do the hokey-pokey!

Yeah, that's cute.

Put the squirt gun away.

All right, kids.

Here we go.

♪ You put your left foot in,
you put your left foot out ♪

♪ You put your left foot in
and you shake it all about... ♪

Boy, this stinks!
Get him, Myron!

Hey, easy...

RALPH: Hey, hey, what are
you... what are you doing?

What's going on here?

POTSIE: What's going on?

(overlapping chatter)

Aah, no, aah, no!

Put the pillow away!

(clamoring, whistle blowing)

(clamoring, whistle blowing)

POTSIE: Nine, ten, 11, 12.

Of course you're
special to me, huh?

So I forgot your name.

You're here, aren't you?

RICHIE: Will somebody
get that kid out of that vase?!

POTSIE: I can't! He's stuck!

Hey, excuse me
for a minute, okay?

Don't go away.

(kids clamoring)

Cunningham?

Cunningham?!

RICHIE: Uh, yeah. Fonz?

Get your tail up here.

Yeah, just a minute. Ow!

Oh, all this noise.

I can't stand suburban living.

Yeah, Fonz, what do you want?

Oh, yeah, uh, Richard
Cunningham, I want you to meet,

uh... (laughs and snaps fingers)

Uh, somebody very special.

This is Richie Cunningham,
good friend of mine.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. It's very, very
nice meeting you, yeah.

What is this on your back here?

Oh. (whistle blowing outside)

All right, all right, look, uh,
what are you doing down there?

You having a party or something?

A party? Well, no...

I don't understand how they...

Rich, will you come
down and help me?

Hector, if you don't
stop blowing this whistle,

I'm sticking you
back in the dryer.

And this time,
I'm turning it on.

(blows whistle) Come on!

(kids clamoring)

(laughs)

These kids are
totally out of control!

I mean, will you look at
what they did to this hat?

Oh, man, dig it, dig it.

Kids are like dogs, you know?

They know when they're
being handled by, uh, nerds.

Well, do you think you
can help us with this?

Hey, can't you
see that I am busy

with, uh... what is her name?

FONZIE: And besides, I mean,
down there, they're just little kids, huh?

FONZIE: Whoa! Whoa!

You didn't tell me
they were armed.

I'm really sorry, sweetheart.

Just sit down, I'll be
right back. Come on.

What is her name?

Strawberry shortcake,
icing on the top...

What are you doing?

We're having a fun time.

Yeah, well, knock it off!

Aw... come on, you
made me lose my timing.

All right, now, let's
everybody in there.

Let's get this over with, huh?

So I can get back
to... What is her name?

(clamoring) Come
on, settle down!

All right, everybody,
let's hold it and plant it!

Hold on, Cowboy, hold
on, Cowboy. Hold on!

RALPH: Hold on, Cowboy!

Hey, uh, National Velvet?

You want to gallop
on back to the corral?

Oh, sorry, Fonz... I was
just trying to amuse the kid.

Come on, Hector.

All right, now, listen up.

I'm going to say this one time,

one time only.

This is not an amusement park.

This is somebody's house.

And as a paying tenant thereof,

I don't want to hear any noise.

All right? Can you dig it?

Hello, seven!

Booker Brown.

You know this kid?

Everybody that's cool
knows Booker Brown.

What are you doing here?

I was kidnapped.

Will you give the
kids back their shoes?

I won 'em fair!

Give me those dice.

Give 'em back their shoes.

You win some, you lose some.

All right, is there going to
be any more trouble here?

FONZIE: Who is this kid?

Myron.

(nasal voice): Myron.

It figures. Myron.

Sit, Myron.

All right, now, I am
bigger than you are,

you are smaller than I am,
so what I say goes, dig it?

That's it.

Please, Fonz, come
on, we need your help.

What happened?
Are you kidding me?

Those kids are
dangerous in there.

Booker Brown's the only
one who understands cool.

Can't you make them understand?

No. Look, the only thing

that works about
the Fonz's mystique

is the ever-present
fear that I might punch.

Yeah, I've always felt that.

Now, Myron understands
something you don't.

The Fonz don't hit kids.

Where are you going?

To find somebody
who does! Aaayyh!

Now, the thing is
that you all know

that we can't hit you, right?

'Cause it's against the law.

But I want you to meet somebody.

Don't go away, Myron. Aaayyh.

Spike.

It's about...

It's about time. It's
freezing out there.

Button your lip,
button your lip.

All right, listen, uh, this
is my, uh, nephew Spike.

Spike, this is Myron.

Myron. Figures.

Yeah, that's what I said.

All right, listen, listen up.

If Spike hits you, see,

then it's just one little kid

hitting another
little kid, right?

That's not against the law.

So, if I hear one more
person getting out of line,

you're going to
get this... Spike?

(moaning)

Thank you, Spike, thanks.

If I see one more water gun,

the gunman gets this... Spike?

You see this? Yeah.

Aah!

Thanks, Spike.

If I hear one more
person screaming,

they get this.

Hey, I think they
got the idea, Fonz.

All right, down, Spike, down.

Now...

are there any
questions in this group?

You heard the man... get to bed.

RALPH: Okay, everybody
upstairs and into your sleeping bags.

Come on! POTSIE: All right.

Hey, man, I like your style.

Thanks.

You know, with my brains

and your muscle,
we could go places.

Yeah?

Step into my office.

Those kids could take
over the world. Yeah.

POTSIE: Thanks,
Fonz. Thanks a lot, Fonz.

Now, do you think
you can handle this,

so I can get back to, uh...

What's her name?
Yeah, what is her name?

Go ahead, Fonz... I mean,
everything worked out great.

We're going to be able
to go the game now.

You know, I'll tell
you something.

Things like this make
you wonder, you know?

You think the Fonz
could be a good father?

Yeah. Yeah, why not?

I think you'd be a great father.

Yeah, except I'd have kids
like Spike and, uh, Booker.

No Myrons.

Yeah.

What if you had a daughter?

Oh, I'd love a little daughter.

A pretty little girl.

Man, I'd name her Jennifer.

Hmm.

That's it... Jennifer! Upstairs!

What's her name...
That's her name!

I mean... I mean,
having a daughter, Fonz...

That's-that's different.

Well, what's the difference?

Okay, if you had a daughter,

would you let her go out
with somebody like you?

Course not.

There is nobody like me. Aaayyh!

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These are such Happy Days! ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪