Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 3, Episode 17 - Fonzie the Salesman - full transcript

The Fonz looks for a new job after the eccentric new owner of Herb's garage orders the super-cool mechanic to put on a vinyl uniform and get a crew-cut.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days ♪

♪ Are yours and mine ♪



♪ These happy days are yours ♪

♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪

Happy Days is filmed
before a live audience.

♪ Wah, wah, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Wah-ooh... wah-wah-wah-wah. ♪

Hey, Fonz.

Hey, Ralph. Hi, Rich.

What's going on out there?

They're taking Herb's
sign down outside.

Yeah, everything is loused up.

Herb is thinking
about selling the place

and there's a turkey in there

talking about
buying it right now.

Oh, that's why you're so angry.

Who is angry, Malph?!

Not you, Fonz. Not you.

So Herb's retiring, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, he's getting

a little old, you know?

His mind is starting
to wander lately.

You know what I caught
him doing last week?

Now dig this, huh? Dig this.

He was trying to
do his tax returns

with a screwdriver! Huh, huh?

Wait a minute, Fonz.

How come Herb didn't
offer to sell the place to you?

Yeah, he did, you know, he did,

but my place it's, is
under the hood, man,

it's not behind some desk.

Well, maybe the new
owner will be all right.

Not if it's that
guy in there now.

The minute I saw him,

there's a little voice
inside me says,

"Fonz, this is not
your type of person.

This is not a regular guy."

All right, Herb, I'll sign
the papers tomorrow.

Ciao.

Excuse me.

Can you tell me where I
might find a Mr. Fonzie?

Yeah, why don't you check
the other end of your nose?

(chuckles)

I see. Very good.

My name is Berkeley Van Alden.

I'm the Fonz.

The Fonz.

(chuckling): How quaint.

Well, I'm going to
be your new master.

My new master.

(mocks laugh): How quaint.

Herb tells me no one can
spark the old plugs like you.

N'est ce pas?

I'm pretty good.

As a matter of fact,
I'm the best, capisce?

I'm a very rich man.

I get what I want.

Here, here's a dollar.

I don't even know him.

Imagine what I could do for you.

I want to retain you
as my head mechanic.

You'll be in charge of repairs.

Oh, yeah? And if I want
to retain you as my boss,

what are you in charge of?

Reorganization.
This place is a mess.

Are you kidding, man?
This place is a garage.

I run a tidy shop.

Yeah, and I know
where everything is.

But I'm allergic to grease.

I love grease.

It makes my eyebrows fall out.

Did he just say, uh...

Yeah, his eyebrows fall out.

Whoa!

And these overalls,
they absorb grime.

We'll have no more of that.

All my mechanics
will be in vinyl.

Hey, this guy wants
to dress me like a table!

I love vinyl.

You just touch it with a damp
sponge and it's all shiny clean.

Don't worry about the
expense. I have plenty of money.

Here, here's another dollar.

I really don't want your money.

Can I have it?

The lad has no shame,

and he'll do well in
the business world.

Can I have another one?

Get out of here, Malph!

Yeah, uh, Mr. Van Alden...

Please, we're friends.
Call me Bronko.

Yeah, I'd rather not.

Listen, uh, you don't
look like a garage person.

Why do you want to buy a garage?

Well, I like to buy things.

I, I like to ski, I
bought a mountain.

I, I was hungry, I
bought a restaurant.

I want to play with
cars, I buy a garage.

We'll fix that.

Is that your Ferrari outside?

Yes, it is.

Can I have it?

Get in your car right
now! Get in your car!

You're a spunky
fellow. I like spunky.

What do you say?

If I buy the place,
will you stay on?

It'll be the two of us...
Bronko and Spunky.

Well, I'll let you know, master.

Very well.

Oh, one more thing.

Short hair is neater, here's
a dollar, get a crew cut.

Hey...!

I'll save it for you.

I feel so happy today,
I feel like singing.

I think I'll buy the
McGuire Sisters.

Arrividerci.

All right.

That's it.

Crew cuts, vinyl
overalls, I quit.

What are you doing, Fonz?

I'm getting out of here.

I don't work for creeps. The
Fonz don't work for creeps, man.

Well, you know, it's too bad

you didn't want to
buy the place yourself.

Maybe you should
buy the place, Fonz.

Oh, yeah? And what
am I going to buy it with?

My good looks?

You could probably get a loan.

You know, nobody
buys anything big

with cash anymore, Fonz.

Everything is bought on credit.

Where would I get the
money from anyway?

Oh, my dad has a lodge brother

who's a loan
officer at the bank.

Maybe he could get
you a business loan.

There you go, Fonz.

Yeah, I can ask Dad

to invite him over
after bowling tonight.

You could ask him
for the money, then.

Yeah, maybe owning my
own garage is a cool thing.

You know, Fonzie's Garage.

Yeah, Fonz, I'd throw
you all my business.

Fonzie's Garage, huh?

Yeah, let's discuss
it over lunch.

Who's going to pay?

He's got three dollars.

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, guys. Wait a minute.

I worked hard for that money.

HOWARD: So, you
know my son, Richie.

RICHIE: Hi, Mr. Hunsberger.

Oh, Fonzie, this
is Mr. Hunsberger.

He's the loan
officer from the bank.

Hey, it's very nice to meet ya.

I need $10,000.

(chuckles)

He doesn't believe
in small talk.

Well, I certainly hope that
we can do business together.

Hey, no more than I do.

Hey, sorry.

Sit down, Phil. Mm.

Would you like some coffee?

Oh, no, not during
business hours.

Let me get you a chair, Fonz.

Hey, thanks a lot, Cunningham.

Now, be that as it may,

you realize, of course,
that you will still have

to come down to the bank
and fill out the applications.

However, I must ask you
a few salient questions,

and you can answer them

with an eye toward
potential approval

of your application
as an indicator.

Yeah. What is he talking about?

He's just going to ask
you some questions.

Now, name, Arthur Fonzarelli.

Yeah, right.

Now, let's see.

What kind of a loan
are you applying for?

Money.

Yes, I know that.

Then why did you ask?

No, no, no, I mean, did
you want a personal loan,

do you want a business...

What-what do you
want the money for?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, so I
don't have to get a crew cut.

(muttering)

I beg your pardon?

Fonzie wants to buy an
automotive repair shop.

Well, then, why
didn't he say that?

Now I'm going to have to erase.

I don't like to erase.

Now...

have you ever been
in business before?

Yeah. What type of business?

Well, I-I helped Richie
raise some money

by, uh, selling kisses.

No experience in business.

Do you have collateral?

Hey, no, man, I ain't
been sick a day in my life.

Uh, Fonzie, what Phil means is,

do you have anything
of worth to put up

against the value of the loan?

If I had something
worth that much, I'd sell it,

I'd get the money, I
wouldn't have to sit here

and take the third
degree from you.

You know, I knew this
wasn't going to work out.

You know, you guys
in three-piece suits,

you just don't
like me, that's all.

Mr. Fonzarelli, I
sense a hostility here

that I don't feel should exist.

After all, we're just trying
to transact business.

I mean, I don't care how hep

you think you are.
Cool, not hep, cool.

Cool, hep-hep, cool...

With no previous
business experience,

and dangerous collateral,

and you expect us to welcome
your business with open arms?

Ohhh, come, come now.

Howard, you know
what kind of a guy I am.

I'm loose, open-minded,

fun-loving, but
this is ridiculous!

Hey, uh, okay, Mr. Fun-loving,
let me ask you a question.

Do you drink beer
out of a glass?

I don't drink beer.

Hey, I had enough
of this nerd, huh?

Whoa!

Fonz! Hey!

Oh, come on now, Fonz.

Hey, I'll find another garage.

There's got to be a
cool garage somewhere.

♪ Hey, doom-ba-la,
doom-ba, boom-ba, hey ♪

♪ Doo-wah, doo-wah, doo. ♪

Marion, the roast is getting
cold; now I want to eat.

Dad, I thought
you were on a diet.

Only between meals.

Please wait. Howard, Richard
will be right down with Arthur.

The poor boy hasn't left
his apartment in two days.

He can't find work,
he's so depressed.

There he is. Hello, Arthur.

Go ahead and sit down,
Fonz. We just started.

Fonzie, your hair,
it's messed up.

Well, there's no
reason to comb it.

My ducktail and me
have no place to go.

Wow!

Arthur, have you
been eating regularly?

Yeah.

Tuesday I had a cookie.

Okay, come on, dig in everybody.

Come on, Fonz.

Fonzie, Richie tells me you
quit your job at the garage.

Well, he'll get another one.

He just doesn't
like the new owner.

Yes, why don't you get
a job at a new garage?

Because there are no
openings for a head mechanic

or so they say.

But you know what it really is,

they've been jealous
of the Fonz for so long,

and now they've got me.

Let's face it,

Fonzie, King of
the Grease Pits...

is finished.

I'm selling my toolbox.

MARION: Oh,
Howard, do something.

HOWARD: All right, all right.

You know, believe it or not,
there was a time in my life

when I felt exactly
the same way you do.

Tell us all about it, Howard.

We love this story,
don't we, children?

See?

Well, it was right after
I got out of the service

in World War II.

See, I spent three
years in the Army

in a position of
great importance

where I was feared and
respected by all my men.

Dad was a cook.

Well, anyway, when
I got out of the Army,

I wanted to open
up a restaurant.

But nobody would
loan me the money,

and I felt so, so worthless.

Now isn't that how you feel now?

Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe not as
worthless as a cook.

Well, nevertheless,

there was a time in my life

when I felt exactly
the way you do.

I had no job, I-I thought
my life was over with,

and then one day
something happened

to change my whole life!

What?

My toilet overflowed.

And some people
say there is no God.

And I walked into a hardware...

I walked into a hardware
store to buy a new plunger.

And I took one
look at those shelves

and saw all those
pipes an-and those nails

and those tub stoppers,
and those angle irons...

I tell you, Fonzie, my heart
was filled with a kind of...

Boredom?

No, excitement! Oh.

And I knew right then and there
that hardware was my calling.

So, I got myself a
job as a stock boy

and today I own
that very same store.

And we still have that
very same plunger.

That's it!

What?

Charlton Heston.

Remember, remember Charlton
Heston in the, in the Ten Commandments?

I mean, he went up
on top of that mountain

'cause he was sick and depressed

from hanging around
with all those sheep.

And then suddenly he
stepped on that burning bush.

That was a big
moment in his life.

It was a sign his
life would change.

Yeah, well, now I know what I'm
going to do with my life. What's that?

I'm going to work with
you at the hardware store.

FONZIE: I'll just
take the potatoes.

And a little salad.

Yeah, this is great.

A little salad here.

Yeah, the beans.

Hey, nobody's, nobody's chewing.

Can I see you over here
for just a minute, please?

Hey, sure, partner.

Uh, Fonzie, I don't
know how to tell you this,

but hardware is
really not for you.

You see, it's very boring.

Hey, not with the Fonz around.

Yeah, and-and-and I really
couldn't pay you very much.

Oh, Mr. Cunningham,
I don't need very much.

And I'll tell you
something else.

Do you know that days go by

without a female customer
coming into the store?

Hey, days.

Sometimes weeks.

Even months!

Months?

Hardware's out!

Okay. But the thing is, at least
you gave me a glimmer of hope.

At least I know now
that there is a profession.

I just got to go out
there and find it, that's all.

Oh, Arthur, you're going
out and look for a job?

Oh, yeah, tomorrow,
right after lunch.

Well, why not in the morning?

In the morning?

Hey, I got to comb my hair!

Look out, world...
The Fonz is coming!

Aaayyh!

♪ ♪

FONZIE: Hey, I don't know if I'm
going to like this job, Cunningham.

RICHIE: Look I told you, Fonz...

My cousin made $20,000 last year

selling encyclopedias.

FONZIE: Yeah, well,
let's move it, huh?

Come on!

(panting)

Fonz, could I ask
you a question?

Sure.

Why do we have to
start on the top floor?

Because number seven
is my lucky number.

Yeah, right. Well, couldn't
you at least carry one of these?

Hey, I got to keep a
hand free to knock.

Geez.

Right.

(knocking "Shave and a Haircut")

Okay, now, you know
what you got to say, right?

Yeah, I got it memorized
just like they told me.

Nah, I don't think you were
supposed to memorize it...

Yeah? What is it?

Good afternoon, sir,
madam, or small child.

Don't you look lovely!

My name is Arthur Fonzarelli,

and I have a free gift for you.

Yes, aren't you excited!

You will be thrilled to know
that you have been chosen,

from among thousands...

What are you selling, Slick?

I ain't got all day, you know.

Yeah, yeah, what am I selling?

I ain't up to that
part yet. Uh...

Go ahead and just tell her,
Fonz. Don't interrupt me.

Uh, you look lovely today.

Uh, you might be
thrilled... Yeah, yeah.

We want to give away a set
of National Encyclopedias.

How much are you
giving them away for?

How much? That's
a good question.

Uh, I'll tell you in a minute.

(whispers): Go to the
page, the page. Okay.

Um, 37 cents.

37 cents per week.

A very small fee, huh?

To educate a child or children.

I ain't got no children,
and I ain't got no more time.

Yeah, and you
ain't got a free gift!

Listen, Fonz, I don't think
that you were supposed

to say it word for
word, you see?

You got to be more yourself.

Put some of your own, uh,
forceful personality into it.

Oh, you mean, be more the Fonz?

Right.

Well, why didn't you say that?

Next door. All right.

(chuckles)

(knocking "Shave and a Haircut")

Yeah.

Hey, I'm the Fonz.

I'm selling these books.

They're cool, they're
cheap, and you buy 'em!

Wait! Wait, Fonz!

I'm going home!

No, now, don't quit.

You're doing better,
you're doing better.

You just got to find sort of
a middle ground, you see?

Somewhere between
that speech you memorized

and your own personality.

Oh, you mean like in
between both doors?

Right, right.

All right, I'll try
it again. Okay.

Yes?

Well, aren't you going
to take the chain off?

Are you related to me? No.

Then the chain don't come off.

Just go. Go ahead, Fonz.

Hey, listen, I hate to
talk between cracks here.

Just go ahead.

All right. Uh, hello.

My name is Arthur Fonzarelli,

and, uh, I have
a free gift for you.

Well, he's a fast little devil.

Hey, uh, all right, listen, uh,

uh, we are selling
these books here,

and for a... for a-a
paltry 37 cents a week,

you can educate your children.

Do you have any children?

Yes, I-I have three children.

Hey, that's cool, huh?

Listen, if you're interested,

just put your name right
here. I'm not interested.

What do you mean,
you're not interested?

Well, we got a library down
the street. The kids go there.

What do you mean,
you're not interested?

I did it perfect this time!

I don't want no trouble.

Hey, wait a minute!

I did it perfect this time.

Tell him. Didn't I?

Uh, he did good.

Yeah, this is my
good friend Richie, too.

Here, just-just look
at a book, will you?

Hey, you got my
book in the door!

Give me back my globe.

Hey, you dented Peru!

Oh, boy.

Hey, hey, don't get mad, Fonz.

There's no reason
to be discouraged.

You're doing better. Yeah?

Yeah.

Then why do we
still have the books?

You can't make every sale.

This is kind of a
game of percentages.

You know, you
go to a lot of doors.

Finally, you run into the
person who's right for you.

Ah, I don't know,
I don't think so.

Come on, just try
another door, Fonz.

All right, all right.

I'll try one more door.

If I don't make it, I
become an animal trainer.

All right.

(chuckles)

Ah.

Now this is my kind of door.

Uh, I beg your pardon?

Yeah, oh, you don't
have to beg my pardon.

Anything I got is yours.

Hey, how about it
if I come in there,

and I show you some fabulous
pictures in my great books?

Gee, sounds like fun.

Yeah, this job is fun.

Look, you're awfully cute,

but I don't have any
money to buy books.

Oh, no, gorgeous lady,

these books are a gift for you!

Fonz, you-you can't do that.

Oh, yeah, I can.

I give away the books,
I'll sell the globes.

You... You can't do that.

You can't. I can't do that?

All right, then I quit.

I'll sell something
else tomorrow.

RICHIE: Like what?

I'll figure that out tomorrow.

Listen, all work and no play
makes the Fonz very tense.

Listen, on page 68
to 70, the Taj Mahal...

It's beautiful!

♪ Ba ba ba ba ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

RICHIE: Hey, come on, Fonz.

There's eight
more kids out there

waiting by the
truck for ice cream.

I can't take this
anymore, Cunningham.

I got gum in my hair, I got
ice cream down my pants,

and every kid out there is
going to be a penny short.

I tell you something... I quit.

Do you know something?

I had six jobs. I hated
every one of them.

I'm only good for one thing.

No, wait a minute.

I'm good for two, but I can
only make a living at one.

I'm going to talk to Van Alden.

Wait a minute. You're going
to ask for your old job back?

Cunningham, I am sick of
driving that ice cream truck.

I just get it up to 95.

I got to slow down for
some kid waving a dime!

Would you look at what
he did to my garage?

He even took down Miss August.

Now, how tasteless can you get?

Why, Mr. Fonzarelli,
what a pleasant surprise.

How do you like the garage?

I hate it.

Still spunky, hmm?

Well, listen, Mr. Van
Alden, I want...

You know, things just
haven't been the same here

since you left; 20
cars have been in here.

We haven't been able to
fix one. I had to buy them all.

Yeah, look, I want to
talk to you about that.

You know, between you and me,

this new mechanic is a good
fellow, but he's a clumsy brute.

Then what did you hire him for?

He's a heck of a polo player.

He absolutely saved
the third chukker Sunday.

I felt I owed him something.

Oh, Mr. Fonzarelli,
please come back to work.

Well, I mean, you know,
seeing how you're so desperate,

I guess we could
work something out.

Uh, Mr. Van Alden? Yes?

I'm afraid Fonzie
is not available.

Oh, darn!

Hey, Cunningham.

I didn't tell you
about the phone call.

What phone call?
This is business.

I'm talking business!

Bernie, from Bernie's
Garage called.

Dirty Bernie? Right.

He wants to give you a job,

and he wants to pay
him $50 a week raise.

Oh, see that?

I knew it was just
a matter of time

before all those
offers started rolling in.

Let's get down there!
Now, wait, wait, wait, wait!

(phone ringing)
Let's not be hasty.

I mean, after all, Dirty Bernie.

Don't go away.
I'll be right back.

Charles, the engine
is on the inside.

Hey, Dirty Bernie called?

Let's get down there.

Well, uh, Fonz,
Bernie didn't really call.

Cunningham... Dirty
Bernie did not call?

This does not tickle
my funny bone.

Come on, Fonz, trust me.

We're running a bluff here.

You got him over a barrel.

What do you mean,
we? He needs you.

Oh, yeah?

This is a very gutsy bluff
here, Cunningham, with my life.

Well, listen, just so that
you have a rooting interest,

know this... if it
don't work out,

you're going to hang where
Miss August used to be.

Oh, good. Ha, ha.

You're still here.

Well, nobody outbids Van Alden.

I'll match his
offer, plus a dollar.

Bernie also offered Fonz

complete control
over the garage.

Yeah, and, also, I get
a cloth, gray uniform.

Gray? Well... Yeah.

And also one more
thing... No crew cut.

And a cot in the
back room. What for?

Aaayyh!

Oh.

I understand, Spunky,
I was young once.

You've got it.

All right, then you got
yourself a head mechanic.

Oh, you're a prince!
Hey, back off, back off!

Backing off, backing off.

We'll settle everything
in the morning.

Charles, ha, ha, you're fired.

Saddle up, let's get out of here

while I've still
got my eyebrows.

Hey, Daddy's home, huh?

Aaayyh!

Congratulations, Fonz.

Hey, listen, uh, Cunningham,

about what you just did, huh?

Yeah?

Come on, you know.

Yeah, I know, Fonz,
you want to thank me,

but listen, you've helped
me out at least 50 times.

Yeah? That's right.

So let's just forget about it.

Forget about it?
You owe me 49, huh?

I'll fight you. Come
on out, let's go.

Hey, kids, get
away from my bike!

♪ La, la, la-la, la, la, la. ♪

♪ Splish splash I
was taking a bath ♪

♪ Long about a
Saturday night, yeah ♪

♪ Rub-a-dub, just
relaxing in the tub ♪

♪ Thinkin' everything
was all right... ♪

♪ I wrapped the towel around
me then I opened the door ♪

♪ And then I splish splash... ♪

Sure. Why don't you come on in?

♪ Well, how was I to know
there was a party going on? ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, sure. Won't you come in?

♪ Bing bang, I saw
the whole gang ♪

♪ Dancing on my
living room floor... ♪

♪ All the teens had
the dancing bug ♪

♪ There was Lollipops
with Peggy Sue ♪

Sure... ♪ Good golly, Miss
Molly was even there, too ♪

♪ A-well, a-splish splash,
I forgot about the bath ♪

♪ I went and put my
dancing shoes on, yeah... ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days!

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪