Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 3, Episode 11 - Three on a Porch - full transcript
High-schoolers Richie, Potsie and Ralph hope to score during spring break by masquerading as foreign businessmen at a lake resort frequented by college girls.
♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪
♪ Ready to race to you ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪
♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪
♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪
♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪
(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)
♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
♪ Saturday, what a day ♪
♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ These happy days ♪
♪ Are yours and mine ♪
♪ These happy days are yours ♪
♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪
Happy Days is filmed
before a live audience.
♪ Whatcha gonna do
when the well runs dry? ♪
♪ You're gonna
run away and hide ♪
♪ And I'm gonna run
right by your side ♪
♪ For you pretty
baby I'd even drown ♪
♪ Walkin' ♪
♪ Yes, indeed, I'm talkin' ♪
♪ 'Bout you and me I'm hopin' ♪
♪ That you'll come back to me. ♪
All right, what's with the
sad little faces here, huh?
Come on, buck up.
Dry up those little tears.
What happened, someone
steal your little red wagon?
Oh, come on, Fonz.
I don't have my
red wagon anymore.
It's Easter vacation, Fonz.
So? Oh, someone
stole your Easter bonnet
with all the frills upon it.
None of us got
nothing to do all week.
This is going to be the
worst Easter vacation I've had
since I had my
appendix taken out.
Every sharp girl in Milwaukee
is going to be out of town
on vacation somewhere.
RICHIE: What are you going
to be doing over Easter, Fonz?
Hey, who knows, man?
I just hang loose.
RICHIE: Yeah.
I've been hanging
loose for 17 years.
I'm still hanging.
FONZIE: Why don't
you get cool, huh?
Why don't you spend a
week up at Lake Whitefish?
I don't like to fish.
The bait makes me sick.
You blockbrain, I'm
talking about women.
Lake Whitefish is
loaded with women.
Yeah, but isn't that more
of a college crowd, Fonz?
Yeah, what's all the women
going to want with
three high school guys?
Well, absolutely nothing,
but who's going to know?
You see, down here you've
already built your rep, right?
Three boring high school
boys who like to sulk.
Up there, you can
be anybody you want.
You mean we could
be like you, Fonz?
Hey, hey, hey... you've got
to walk before you can run.
Here it is guys, here it is!
"Cabin rentals, Lake Whitefish."
It's a local call.
"Fun and sun,
capital of Wisconsin."
Right, call them, call them.
No, it has to be someone
who sounds grown up.
They won't rent it
to kids. You're right.
You call, Richie, you
sound more mature.
You think so? No,
but it's your dime.
Come on, here's the number.
Think mature.
Yeah, I can make
it with college girls.
I shave.
Hello, operator, I'd like to...
(lowers voice): place
a call to Lake Whitefish.
Uh, yes, the number is 552-333.
Yes, thank you very much.
Why do I have to sound
older for the operator?
Good practice. Yeah, come on.
It's ringing, it's ringing.
Hello? Is this Uncle
Tom's Cabins?
Yes, yes, this is an adult
businessman speaking.
I'm inquiring for my
associates and myself
as to the availability
of a cabin rental.
Yes, for Easter recess.
I mean, business
vaca... Business vacation.
Yes, you have
something available?
The, uh, the front
part of a house.
Who's in the back part?
Young women?
(cheering loudly)
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's be cool. Just
cool it for a second.
Cool it.
Excuse me, my
secretaries fell off my lap.
(laughs)
Find out how much it is. Yes.
(clears throat)
Those accommodations
sound as though
they will be suitable.
Now let's talk
dollars and cents.
$75, no cents.
Take it, take it,
take it. It's a bargain.
Right, right, yes.
That will be fine.
Yes, my name is
Mr. Richard Cunningham.
Cunningham and Associates.
Yes. Yes, we'll be the three men
who are much older than we look.
Right, thank you very much.
ALL: We did it!
Whitefish.
Hey, guys, all
we've go to do now
is come up with 25 bucks apiece.
Yeah. No sweat, no sweat at all.
Ol' Ralphie Malphie has
everything under control.
We'll just get it where
every able-bodied,
young American boy gets money.
Where? Where?
Mommy and Daddy.
(low voice): Dad?
(normal voice): Uh, Dad?
Uh, listen, uh...
do you remember the first
time that you went away
somewhere with
just your friends?
Sure. Where'd you go?
World War II.
Well, Dad, all right, listen,
can I be straight with you?
Of course you can,
Richard, what is it?
Well, Ralph and Potsie
are going to Lake Whitefish
on a nature retreat, and,
uh, and they want me
to come along and help them.
Help what?
Oh, you know Dad.
Just, just help
them, with, uh...
with nature, and, uh,
first aid, and you know,
identifying species,
stuff like that.
I thought all they
cared about were girls.
Oh, no, Dad.
Ralph and Potsie are
much deeper than they look.
Deeper, huh?
Today, they were
bouncing a golf ball
off the side of our
house for three hours.
Dad, this means a lot to them.
And they really need
my help, and well, see,
it costs 25 bucks per
person, so what do you say?
I don't think so, Richard.
Why not?
Well, two reasons.
One, $25 is a lot of money,
and two, that story is
the biggest pile of garbage
I've ever heard in my life.
Come on, for $25 you can come up
with a much
better lie than that.
All right, Dad.
It's not a, it's not a
nature retreat. Mm-hmm.
We rented a cabin for 75 bucks.
We're going up
there to meet girls.
Now, what do you say?
That's the way I
like to hear you talk!
Great, then you'll do it?
Maybe another time.
How come?
Well, I just can't spare the
money right now, Richard.
Then what you're
saying is, I can go if I can
raise the money
myself, huh, Dad, huh?
Raise the money for what, dear?
Oh, nothing, Mom, nothing.
He wants to go up to Lake
Whitefish and chase girls.
Oh, well, good luck, dear.
♪ Bye-bye love ♪
♪ Bye-bye happiness... ♪
Yeah, my dad's cheap, too.
He didn't give me a dime.
Well, at least I got
permission to go
if I can get the money.
Big deal, I got permission, too.
I banged my head
against the icebox
until they said I could go.
No problems, guys,
no problems. Big bucks.
How'd you get that?
That's great, Pots.
The minute I said I
wanted to go away,
my mother started
packing my suitcase
and my dad shoved
this into my hand.
Boy, that's love, huh?
Well, at least we got
the deposit now. Yeah.
What do you mean?
Where's the rest of the money?
Didn't you guys come through?
Well, our parents
were anxious to
get rid of us, too,
but not at any price.
What am I supposed
to do with this $25?
Sit on it, Potsie.
Very funny.
But meanwhile, we're still
stuck here in Milwaukee.
Hey, Cunningham,
can I borrow your letterman
sweater for the weekend?
I got a hot date. No.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, it's yours.
What are you talking about?
We're going to rent
him your sweater.
What do you mean,
rent my sweater?
It's my letterman sweater.
I ran the mile in seven
minutes to get this sweater.
Richard, what would
you like to do this Easter?
Meet girls or wear your sweater?
All right.
I'll rent it to you for ten.
I'll give you two.
Close enough, it's yours.
Attention! Attention!
Okay, everybody, get a grip.
Tomorrow, everybody brings cash.
It's the first annual
Richie-Ralph-Potsie
Rummage Sale.
You guys go home and get
everything you want to sell.
Ralph, do you
have a lot of stuff?
Sure. You want to
know something?
I still have my
little red wagon.
Gather round, everybody.
New merchandise just arrived.
Everything must go.
Come and get it.
We got a 45 record
rack right here.
45 record rack.
We got a acorn
pipe. An acorn pipe.
We got a Slinky. A Slinky.
A Slinky, how much
do you want for that?
Oh, come on, Ralph.
We got earmuffs right here.
We got a... we
got a rubber snake.
We got a book report
from The Red Badge of Courage.
This one got a B-plus.
Everything on this table
must go for 50 cents.
Thank you very much.
How are we doing, Ralph?
We still need another $27.
Let's get to the big
money stuff there, Pots.
Okay, here's a
very special item.
A genuine fake
I.D. driver's license.
Drink and drive in any state.
No bargaining, ten
bucks. Who wants it?
I'll take it. You've got it.
All right.
Hey, I can't use this. Why not?
I'm not a 52-year-old
Negro woman.
Seven dollars.
Ralph, give him
back three dollars.
No cash refunds.
Here, take an
Uncle Miltie bow tie.
That's worth three dollars.
Don't cheat people, Ralph.
Why not? We're
going out of business.
How we doing now, Ralph, huh?
We're still about $15 short.
And we don't have
$15 worth of stuff left.
Like, who's going to
buy your old retainer?
How's it going, guys?
Not so good, Fonz.
We're not going to make it.
Well, how much more do you need?
Another 15 bucks.
All right, this is
from the Fonz to you,
a very Happy Easter.
All right, now listen up, girls!
One time, one time only.
Line right up here,
kiss the Fonz for a buck.
Now that's a
bargain at any price!
(girls squealing)
Richard, I want
to have a little talk
with you about your trip.
Now listen, you're going away,
and I want you to have
a good time, but, uh...
well, you know,
there are limits, huh?
Oh, I know what
you're saying, Dad.
You want me to have
a good time, but, uh,
not too good, right?
FONZIE: Hey, good morning, all.
Am I glad I caught
you, Cunningham.
I want to give you
some advice, right?
You go up to Lake Whitefish.
I want you to
break all the rules.
I want you to have a ball.
I don't you to have
no holds barred.
You get my drift,
huh? Right, Mr. C?
I'm going to work.
Richard...
have a reasonably good
time, if you get my drift.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
He's such a worrywart. Yeah.
Now listen, this
is your big chance.
Nobody knows
you up there. Right.
At all costs, do
not be yourself.
Oh, we're not, Fonz.
We're not.
We've got it all
figured out, see.
We're not going to be ourselves.
We're going to be
adult businessmen.
Adult businessmen? Yeah.
Well, on the drive up,
you'll come up with
a better plan, huh?
Listen, if I get a chance,
I'll come up and
see how you're doing.
Oh, great.
You look so mature.
Here's your lunch,
dear, for the trip.
Now have a good time.
I will. Don't grow up too fast.
I won't, Mom.
Hey, listen, maybe I'll
see you up there, Fonz.
Just kill them. If I'm not too
busy, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Bye, dear.
Bye, Mom.
Here's your thermos
for work, Arthur.
Tell me, Arthur,
what really goes on up
there at Lake Whitefish?
Well, you remember all
those college vacations
you used to take,
those college weekends?
Same thing.
Oh, well, have a good day.
They're going to
have such a good time.
They're going swimming
and they'll roast marshmallows,
and they'll sit by
the fire and sing.
And then when the fire goes out,
and the last
marshmallow is eaten,
everyone will
walk into the woods
and then they'll... Oh, my God!
(dishes clatter to floor)
And the, uh...
fishing is great here,
too, Mr. Cunningham
and associates.
Well, here we are.
Your home for the next week.
And, uh, uh, right over
there is Lake Whitefish.
Where? I don't see any lake.
Your brochure said every
cabin had a view of the lake.
It does.
Get up on the roof.
See?
Hey, don't knock it
Ralph, this place is great.
It's got a porch and everything.
What do you mean,
it's got a porch?
It is a porch... this is
where you guys are staying.
You mean a porch, you mean...
(in deep voice): we're
paying $75 for a porch?
You big city businessmen
catch on quick.
But we wanted a cabin.
Well, I told you it was
the front part of the house.
Yeah, where are we
supposed to sleep?
Ah, well.
You have these three
beautiful sleeping bags,
and, uh, blinds for privacy,
and over here is a shower,
and, uh... Look mister,
I'm not paying $75
for an unfurnished porch.
Okay, gents,
you don't want it...
I got a guy paying
me $200 a week
just to live in a toolshed.
They're lining up
outside my office
drooling for a place like this.
My associates and I
wish to have a conference.
Come on, guys.
What do you think about this?
The guy's a crook!
Let's tell him what
he can do with his...
(girls laughing)
Oh! Hi boys, hi.
Excuse us.
BOYS: We'll take it!
Well, we did it, right?
I mean, we're sharing a
place with three great chicks!
Yeah, I don't want
to stay on the porch.
I feel like an
empty milk bottle.
Aw, come on...
Three suits and a porch
don't make us date bait.
They didn't seem
interested anyway.
Well, don't forget
about what Fonzie said.
Whatever we do, we
shouldn't be ourselves.
Who should we be?
The Three Stooges?
No, no, that's no good.
We've got to be
something different,
something unique, something
that would catch their attention.
What would they
do in the movies?
Right! I've got it!
In the movies, who
always gets the girl?
The boy.
No, what actor
always gets the girl?
Brando.
Brando gets beat up.
Charles Boyer
always gets the girl.
He got Hedy Lamarr. Right.
And why does a balding,
middle-aged man get Hedy Lamarr?
Because... he's
a foreigner, boys.
And girls go ape
over foreigners.
That's right.
And foreigners
wear suits. Right.
Yeah...
Foreigners also speak
foreign languages.
What are we going
to do about accents?
I can speak a little
American Indian.
You're kidding.
No, really.
My mother taught me how to
count to five in American Indian.
Ick, mock, klune,
locket, quinum.
Fascinating, Malph.
Next time we meet
a squaw, she's yours.
What tribe is that?
I don't know, my mother
always makes things up.
At least it sounds foreign.
All right, let's try and
look foreign, okay?
Yeah, yeah, we'll pretend
we're from some foreign country
and we'll nod and bow a lot.
But we've got to pick
an obscure language,
because otherwise,
they might know it.
Look, you guys do what you want.
I'm counting to five in Indian.
Come on, girls, we're
gonna pick some blueberries.
You know...
we were wondering, did
you guys rent this porch?
Klune, locket quinum?
Did you say something?
Kaladaka... They
must be foreign.
Dakalada.
Too bad they
don't speak English.
Come on, let's go.
(with foreign accent): Oh,
wait, uh, I speak a little English.
Oh, we knew you
were trying to talk to us.
Uh... uh... where are you from?
Eh... we're from...
we're from from, uh... Tunisia.
You know, this could be fun.
I think we ought to
check these guys out.
You know, I've heard
that uh, foreign men
are supposed to
be fantastic lovers.
LINDA: These kids?
They look like they're
schoolboys from Milwaukee.
Oh, three schoolboys from Milwaukee
wouldn't be dumb enough to rent a porch.
Hey, let's invite
them to dinner.
Uh, uh, what is your name?
Uh... I Ricardo...
this, uh, Pootsie.
Oh, Pootsie.
Quinum. Quinum.
Hi, Quinum.
We would like you, uh,
to-to join us for dinner.
Eat food? Dinner?
Oh, mock, mock, mock...
Come by at 8:00... 8:00?
8:00, 8:00, 8:00.
Yes, yes.
I tell you, these
guys are strange.
They don't look strange.
I never saw a Tunisian with
red hair and freckles before.
You never saw
any Tunisian before.
Oh, you're so prejudiced.
I am not.
I'll take Ricardo.
(to tune of "Rock Around The
Clock"): ♪ Mock mock, mock ♪
♪ Jay voo shoe ♪
♪ Ick ick locket Quinum coo ♪
♪ Mock, mock,
mock, jay voo shoe ♪
♪ Mock eey mock
shay vo vous shoe ♪
♪ Mock, mock, mock ♪
♪ Ick locket shoo vey shoo ♪
♪ Doo-op, vey shoe doo-op. ♪
Where did you learn
the American tune?
Eh, Radio Free Tunisia.
Top 40.
What do you and your
friends do in Tunisia?
Uh... camels!
Camels?
Oh, yes, we race camels.
Jockeys... mock, mock.
We race camels; we jockeys.
Yes, hup, hup, hup, yes.
Why don't I clear away
some of these plates?
I'll be right back.
Isn't that exciting?
They're camel jockeys.
Aren't they a little
large for jockeys?
Yes, but did you ever see
the size of those camels?
(with accent):
What do we do now?
We don't need the
accent anymore.
Come on now, we got
to make a move... let's go.
I got it. Let's ask
them to dance.
To what, crickets?
I could sing again.
♪ Mock mock mock... ♪
We've done that.
♪ A rooty-toot, toot... ♪
Wait a minute.
Let's just tell them
what we want.
They're older, it would be easy.
We're foreigners, it's natural.
Let's just tell them
what we want!
Apple pie.
Oh, rizzuto.
It's, uh, very, very American.
While we were in the kitchen...
my friends... uh, Marsha,
Linda and I were wondering
if you guys would
like to, uh... make out.
Uh, uh, uh, kiss?
Uh, kiss.
(loud smooching)
A huh... hug... hug.
I guess they don't understand.
Oh, yes, understand!
Mock, mock!
Hug, hug... hug!
Do you do that in Tunisia?
Mock, mock.
He's so cute. Mock, mock,
mock, mock, mock, mock, mock...
Jablonski.
You want to eat pie or kiss?
Oh!
Let's go, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch how
you handle the jacket, buddy.
What is this?
Hey. I'll tell you something,
I just came up to see
how you were doing,
and it looks like you're doing.
Who is this guy?
He says he's their friend.
I caught him riding a
motorcycle without a license.
I told you, I lost my
wallet in the bushes.
What were you
doing in the bushes?
I'm on vacation.
He says he knows you
fellas from Milwaukee.
Is that right?
Milwaukee?!
Is that true, Ricardo?
Milwaukee? What is Milwaukee?
Officer, these gentlemen
are three Tunisian
camel jockeys.
That's the plan
you came up with?
They don't know him, Officer.
That's what I thought.
All right, buddy, come...
Oh, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
All right guys, tell
this man who I am.
Ralph?
Mock. Mock, mock.
Ralph, tell this man who I am.
His name's Fonzie,
he's a garage mechanic
and a friend of ours
from Milwaukee.
FONZIE: And what else?
RALPH: He's very
cool; the Fonz is cool.
Mock, mock.
Are you satisfied?
Mechanics from Milwaukee?
Tunisian jockeys?
All right, all right, let's
see some I.D. here.
Let's find out who
you guys really are.
Come on, come
on. I.D., let's go.
Uh-huh. I told you so.
Richie Cunningham... 17.
Hey, I told you I
lost it in the woods.
Oh, yeah, all right. Come on.
We got a little
carried away, Fonz.
You were right, Fonz.
They asked us to
make out. Hey...
All right, these look
okay. I'll let it go this time.
Oh, I can't wait for
school to start again.
And you, stay out of the bushes.
Kids.
He is not a nature lover.
We'd like to thank you guys
for making us look like fools.
Does this mean we're
not going to make out?
Teenage Tunisians!
Teenage frauds!
(door slams)
Did I come here at a bad time?
Will you guys stop moping?
They will be back.
They went to the
Fisherman's Dance.
They hate us.
Hey, I saw the way they were
kissing you... they will be back.
(Richie, Potsie, Ralph
muttering dejectedly)
Oh, hi guys.
Hi, girls... Hi. Hi.
Dance over already?
No, it was kind of a drag.
The guys were real turkeys.
We were uh, sort of
wondering if, uh, any of you guys
might, uh, like to go for
a walk around the lake?
Us?
Yeah, how about it?
Let's go! All right!
Mock, mock.
Fonz, how did you
know they'd come back?
Hey, there's an old saying.
"Three Tunisian camel
jockeys in the hand
is worth more than 30
dancing fishermen in the bush."
I'm kind of sorry about leaving
you here alone like this...
Alone?
The Fonz alone?
I got dates all
over these woods.
Now, listen, you just go
and play with your
little friends there,
give them a good Easter, huh?
I'll take care of myself.
You make the Fonz proud.
All right, Fonz. Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
You kidding me?
I've got Cloris across the lake,
I got the forest ranger's
daughter over the hill.
I just don't want to
overdo it, that's all.
I think maybe I'll
just sack out here,
snuggle up with the fire,
play cowboy for a while.
(owl hooting, crickets chirping)
(bullfrog croaking)
(squirrels squeaking)
(hooting)
(chittering)
(croaking)
(trilling)
(chattering)
(hooting)
(chorus of animal
calls continuing)
Cool it!
(calls stop instantly)
♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums... ♪
Let's see Tarzan do that!
♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪
♪ Happy Days. ♪
♪ Good-bye gray
sky, hello, blue ♪
♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪
♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪
♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪
♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪
♪ Ready to race to you ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪
♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪
♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪
♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪
(saxophone solo plays
over rhythmic handclaps)
♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
♪ Saturday, what a day ♪
♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ These happy days ♪
♪ Are yours and mine ♪
♪ These happy days are yours ♪
♪ And mine, Happy Days! ♪
Happy Days is filmed
before a live audience.
♪ Whatcha gonna do
when the well runs dry? ♪
♪ You're gonna
run away and hide ♪
♪ And I'm gonna run
right by your side ♪
♪ For you pretty
baby I'd even drown ♪
♪ Walkin' ♪
♪ Yes, indeed, I'm talkin' ♪
♪ 'Bout you and me I'm hopin' ♪
♪ That you'll come back to me. ♪
All right, what's with the
sad little faces here, huh?
Come on, buck up.
Dry up those little tears.
What happened, someone
steal your little red wagon?
Oh, come on, Fonz.
I don't have my
red wagon anymore.
It's Easter vacation, Fonz.
So? Oh, someone
stole your Easter bonnet
with all the frills upon it.
None of us got
nothing to do all week.
This is going to be the
worst Easter vacation I've had
since I had my
appendix taken out.
Every sharp girl in Milwaukee
is going to be out of town
on vacation somewhere.
RICHIE: What are you going
to be doing over Easter, Fonz?
Hey, who knows, man?
I just hang loose.
RICHIE: Yeah.
I've been hanging
loose for 17 years.
I'm still hanging.
FONZIE: Why don't
you get cool, huh?
Why don't you spend a
week up at Lake Whitefish?
I don't like to fish.
The bait makes me sick.
You blockbrain, I'm
talking about women.
Lake Whitefish is
loaded with women.
Yeah, but isn't that more
of a college crowd, Fonz?
Yeah, what's all the women
going to want with
three high school guys?
Well, absolutely nothing,
but who's going to know?
You see, down here you've
already built your rep, right?
Three boring high school
boys who like to sulk.
Up there, you can
be anybody you want.
You mean we could
be like you, Fonz?
Hey, hey, hey... you've got
to walk before you can run.
Here it is guys, here it is!
"Cabin rentals, Lake Whitefish."
It's a local call.
"Fun and sun,
capital of Wisconsin."
Right, call them, call them.
No, it has to be someone
who sounds grown up.
They won't rent it
to kids. You're right.
You call, Richie, you
sound more mature.
You think so? No,
but it's your dime.
Come on, here's the number.
Think mature.
Yeah, I can make
it with college girls.
I shave.
Hello, operator, I'd like to...
(lowers voice): place
a call to Lake Whitefish.
Uh, yes, the number is 552-333.
Yes, thank you very much.
Why do I have to sound
older for the operator?
Good practice. Yeah, come on.
It's ringing, it's ringing.
Hello? Is this Uncle
Tom's Cabins?
Yes, yes, this is an adult
businessman speaking.
I'm inquiring for my
associates and myself
as to the availability
of a cabin rental.
Yes, for Easter recess.
I mean, business
vaca... Business vacation.
Yes, you have
something available?
The, uh, the front
part of a house.
Who's in the back part?
Young women?
(cheering loudly)
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's be cool. Just
cool it for a second.
Cool it.
Excuse me, my
secretaries fell off my lap.
(laughs)
Find out how much it is. Yes.
(clears throat)
Those accommodations
sound as though
they will be suitable.
Now let's talk
dollars and cents.
$75, no cents.
Take it, take it,
take it. It's a bargain.
Right, right, yes.
That will be fine.
Yes, my name is
Mr. Richard Cunningham.
Cunningham and Associates.
Yes. Yes, we'll be the three men
who are much older than we look.
Right, thank you very much.
ALL: We did it!
Whitefish.
Hey, guys, all
we've go to do now
is come up with 25 bucks apiece.
Yeah. No sweat, no sweat at all.
Ol' Ralphie Malphie has
everything under control.
We'll just get it where
every able-bodied,
young American boy gets money.
Where? Where?
Mommy and Daddy.
(low voice): Dad?
(normal voice): Uh, Dad?
Uh, listen, uh...
do you remember the first
time that you went away
somewhere with
just your friends?
Sure. Where'd you go?
World War II.
Well, Dad, all right, listen,
can I be straight with you?
Of course you can,
Richard, what is it?
Well, Ralph and Potsie
are going to Lake Whitefish
on a nature retreat, and,
uh, and they want me
to come along and help them.
Help what?
Oh, you know Dad.
Just, just help
them, with, uh...
with nature, and, uh,
first aid, and you know,
identifying species,
stuff like that.
I thought all they
cared about were girls.
Oh, no, Dad.
Ralph and Potsie are
much deeper than they look.
Deeper, huh?
Today, they were
bouncing a golf ball
off the side of our
house for three hours.
Dad, this means a lot to them.
And they really need
my help, and well, see,
it costs 25 bucks per
person, so what do you say?
I don't think so, Richard.
Why not?
Well, two reasons.
One, $25 is a lot of money,
and two, that story is
the biggest pile of garbage
I've ever heard in my life.
Come on, for $25 you can come up
with a much
better lie than that.
All right, Dad.
It's not a, it's not a
nature retreat. Mm-hmm.
We rented a cabin for 75 bucks.
We're going up
there to meet girls.
Now, what do you say?
That's the way I
like to hear you talk!
Great, then you'll do it?
Maybe another time.
How come?
Well, I just can't spare the
money right now, Richard.
Then what you're
saying is, I can go if I can
raise the money
myself, huh, Dad, huh?
Raise the money for what, dear?
Oh, nothing, Mom, nothing.
He wants to go up to Lake
Whitefish and chase girls.
Oh, well, good luck, dear.
♪ Bye-bye love ♪
♪ Bye-bye happiness... ♪
Yeah, my dad's cheap, too.
He didn't give me a dime.
Well, at least I got
permission to go
if I can get the money.
Big deal, I got permission, too.
I banged my head
against the icebox
until they said I could go.
No problems, guys,
no problems. Big bucks.
How'd you get that?
That's great, Pots.
The minute I said I
wanted to go away,
my mother started
packing my suitcase
and my dad shoved
this into my hand.
Boy, that's love, huh?
Well, at least we got
the deposit now. Yeah.
What do you mean?
Where's the rest of the money?
Didn't you guys come through?
Well, our parents
were anxious to
get rid of us, too,
but not at any price.
What am I supposed
to do with this $25?
Sit on it, Potsie.
Very funny.
But meanwhile, we're still
stuck here in Milwaukee.
Hey, Cunningham,
can I borrow your letterman
sweater for the weekend?
I got a hot date. No.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, it's yours.
What are you talking about?
We're going to rent
him your sweater.
What do you mean,
rent my sweater?
It's my letterman sweater.
I ran the mile in seven
minutes to get this sweater.
Richard, what would
you like to do this Easter?
Meet girls or wear your sweater?
All right.
I'll rent it to you for ten.
I'll give you two.
Close enough, it's yours.
Attention! Attention!
Okay, everybody, get a grip.
Tomorrow, everybody brings cash.
It's the first annual
Richie-Ralph-Potsie
Rummage Sale.
You guys go home and get
everything you want to sell.
Ralph, do you
have a lot of stuff?
Sure. You want to
know something?
I still have my
little red wagon.
Gather round, everybody.
New merchandise just arrived.
Everything must go.
Come and get it.
We got a 45 record
rack right here.
45 record rack.
We got a acorn
pipe. An acorn pipe.
We got a Slinky. A Slinky.
A Slinky, how much
do you want for that?
Oh, come on, Ralph.
We got earmuffs right here.
We got a... we
got a rubber snake.
We got a book report
from The Red Badge of Courage.
This one got a B-plus.
Everything on this table
must go for 50 cents.
Thank you very much.
How are we doing, Ralph?
We still need another $27.
Let's get to the big
money stuff there, Pots.
Okay, here's a
very special item.
A genuine fake
I.D. driver's license.
Drink and drive in any state.
No bargaining, ten
bucks. Who wants it?
I'll take it. You've got it.
All right.
Hey, I can't use this. Why not?
I'm not a 52-year-old
Negro woman.
Seven dollars.
Ralph, give him
back three dollars.
No cash refunds.
Here, take an
Uncle Miltie bow tie.
That's worth three dollars.
Don't cheat people, Ralph.
Why not? We're
going out of business.
How we doing now, Ralph, huh?
We're still about $15 short.
And we don't have
$15 worth of stuff left.
Like, who's going to
buy your old retainer?
How's it going, guys?
Not so good, Fonz.
We're not going to make it.
Well, how much more do you need?
Another 15 bucks.
All right, this is
from the Fonz to you,
a very Happy Easter.
All right, now listen up, girls!
One time, one time only.
Line right up here,
kiss the Fonz for a buck.
Now that's a
bargain at any price!
(girls squealing)
Richard, I want
to have a little talk
with you about your trip.
Now listen, you're going away,
and I want you to have
a good time, but, uh...
well, you know,
there are limits, huh?
Oh, I know what
you're saying, Dad.
You want me to have
a good time, but, uh,
not too good, right?
FONZIE: Hey, good morning, all.
Am I glad I caught
you, Cunningham.
I want to give you
some advice, right?
You go up to Lake Whitefish.
I want you to
break all the rules.
I want you to have a ball.
I don't you to have
no holds barred.
You get my drift,
huh? Right, Mr. C?
I'm going to work.
Richard...
have a reasonably good
time, if you get my drift.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
He's such a worrywart. Yeah.
Now listen, this
is your big chance.
Nobody knows
you up there. Right.
At all costs, do
not be yourself.
Oh, we're not, Fonz.
We're not.
We've got it all
figured out, see.
We're not going to be ourselves.
We're going to be
adult businessmen.
Adult businessmen? Yeah.
Well, on the drive up,
you'll come up with
a better plan, huh?
Listen, if I get a chance,
I'll come up and
see how you're doing.
Oh, great.
You look so mature.
Here's your lunch,
dear, for the trip.
Now have a good time.
I will. Don't grow up too fast.
I won't, Mom.
Hey, listen, maybe I'll
see you up there, Fonz.
Just kill them. If I'm not too
busy, you know what I mean?
Yeah. Bye, dear.
Bye, Mom.
Here's your thermos
for work, Arthur.
Tell me, Arthur,
what really goes on up
there at Lake Whitefish?
Well, you remember all
those college vacations
you used to take,
those college weekends?
Same thing.
Oh, well, have a good day.
They're going to
have such a good time.
They're going swimming
and they'll roast marshmallows,
and they'll sit by
the fire and sing.
And then when the fire goes out,
and the last
marshmallow is eaten,
everyone will
walk into the woods
and then they'll... Oh, my God!
(dishes clatter to floor)
And the, uh...
fishing is great here,
too, Mr. Cunningham
and associates.
Well, here we are.
Your home for the next week.
And, uh, uh, right over
there is Lake Whitefish.
Where? I don't see any lake.
Your brochure said every
cabin had a view of the lake.
It does.
Get up on the roof.
See?
Hey, don't knock it
Ralph, this place is great.
It's got a porch and everything.
What do you mean,
it's got a porch?
It is a porch... this is
where you guys are staying.
You mean a porch, you mean...
(in deep voice): we're
paying $75 for a porch?
You big city businessmen
catch on quick.
But we wanted a cabin.
Well, I told you it was
the front part of the house.
Yeah, where are we
supposed to sleep?
Ah, well.
You have these three
beautiful sleeping bags,
and, uh, blinds for privacy,
and over here is a shower,
and, uh... Look mister,
I'm not paying $75
for an unfurnished porch.
Okay, gents,
you don't want it...
I got a guy paying
me $200 a week
just to live in a toolshed.
They're lining up
outside my office
drooling for a place like this.
My associates and I
wish to have a conference.
Come on, guys.
What do you think about this?
The guy's a crook!
Let's tell him what
he can do with his...
(girls laughing)
Oh! Hi boys, hi.
Excuse us.
BOYS: We'll take it!
Well, we did it, right?
I mean, we're sharing a
place with three great chicks!
Yeah, I don't want
to stay on the porch.
I feel like an
empty milk bottle.
Aw, come on...
Three suits and a porch
don't make us date bait.
They didn't seem
interested anyway.
Well, don't forget
about what Fonzie said.
Whatever we do, we
shouldn't be ourselves.
Who should we be?
The Three Stooges?
No, no, that's no good.
We've got to be
something different,
something unique, something
that would catch their attention.
What would they
do in the movies?
Right! I've got it!
In the movies, who
always gets the girl?
The boy.
No, what actor
always gets the girl?
Brando.
Brando gets beat up.
Charles Boyer
always gets the girl.
He got Hedy Lamarr. Right.
And why does a balding,
middle-aged man get Hedy Lamarr?
Because... he's
a foreigner, boys.
And girls go ape
over foreigners.
That's right.
And foreigners
wear suits. Right.
Yeah...
Foreigners also speak
foreign languages.
What are we going
to do about accents?
I can speak a little
American Indian.
You're kidding.
No, really.
My mother taught me how to
count to five in American Indian.
Ick, mock, klune,
locket, quinum.
Fascinating, Malph.
Next time we meet
a squaw, she's yours.
What tribe is that?
I don't know, my mother
always makes things up.
At least it sounds foreign.
All right, let's try and
look foreign, okay?
Yeah, yeah, we'll pretend
we're from some foreign country
and we'll nod and bow a lot.
But we've got to pick
an obscure language,
because otherwise,
they might know it.
Look, you guys do what you want.
I'm counting to five in Indian.
Come on, girls, we're
gonna pick some blueberries.
You know...
we were wondering, did
you guys rent this porch?
Klune, locket quinum?
Did you say something?
Kaladaka... They
must be foreign.
Dakalada.
Too bad they
don't speak English.
Come on, let's go.
(with foreign accent): Oh,
wait, uh, I speak a little English.
Oh, we knew you
were trying to talk to us.
Uh... uh... where are you from?
Eh... we're from...
we're from from, uh... Tunisia.
You know, this could be fun.
I think we ought to
check these guys out.
You know, I've heard
that uh, foreign men
are supposed to
be fantastic lovers.
LINDA: These kids?
They look like they're
schoolboys from Milwaukee.
Oh, three schoolboys from Milwaukee
wouldn't be dumb enough to rent a porch.
Hey, let's invite
them to dinner.
Uh, uh, what is your name?
Uh... I Ricardo...
this, uh, Pootsie.
Oh, Pootsie.
Quinum. Quinum.
Hi, Quinum.
We would like you, uh,
to-to join us for dinner.
Eat food? Dinner?
Oh, mock, mock, mock...
Come by at 8:00... 8:00?
8:00, 8:00, 8:00.
Yes, yes.
I tell you, these
guys are strange.
They don't look strange.
I never saw a Tunisian with
red hair and freckles before.
You never saw
any Tunisian before.
Oh, you're so prejudiced.
I am not.
I'll take Ricardo.
(to tune of "Rock Around The
Clock"): ♪ Mock mock, mock ♪
♪ Jay voo shoe ♪
♪ Ick ick locket Quinum coo ♪
♪ Mock, mock,
mock, jay voo shoe ♪
♪ Mock eey mock
shay vo vous shoe ♪
♪ Mock, mock, mock ♪
♪ Ick locket shoo vey shoo ♪
♪ Doo-op, vey shoe doo-op. ♪
Where did you learn
the American tune?
Eh, Radio Free Tunisia.
Top 40.
What do you and your
friends do in Tunisia?
Uh... camels!
Camels?
Oh, yes, we race camels.
Jockeys... mock, mock.
We race camels; we jockeys.
Yes, hup, hup, hup, yes.
Why don't I clear away
some of these plates?
I'll be right back.
Isn't that exciting?
They're camel jockeys.
Aren't they a little
large for jockeys?
Yes, but did you ever see
the size of those camels?
(with accent):
What do we do now?
We don't need the
accent anymore.
Come on now, we got
to make a move... let's go.
I got it. Let's ask
them to dance.
To what, crickets?
I could sing again.
♪ Mock mock mock... ♪
We've done that.
♪ A rooty-toot, toot... ♪
Wait a minute.
Let's just tell them
what we want.
They're older, it would be easy.
We're foreigners, it's natural.
Let's just tell them
what we want!
Apple pie.
Oh, rizzuto.
It's, uh, very, very American.
While we were in the kitchen...
my friends... uh, Marsha,
Linda and I were wondering
if you guys would
like to, uh... make out.
Uh, uh, uh, kiss?
Uh, kiss.
(loud smooching)
A huh... hug... hug.
I guess they don't understand.
Oh, yes, understand!
Mock, mock!
Hug, hug... hug!
Do you do that in Tunisia?
Mock, mock.
He's so cute. Mock, mock,
mock, mock, mock, mock, mock...
Jablonski.
You want to eat pie or kiss?
Oh!
Let's go, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch how
you handle the jacket, buddy.
What is this?
Hey. I'll tell you something,
I just came up to see
how you were doing,
and it looks like you're doing.
Who is this guy?
He says he's their friend.
I caught him riding a
motorcycle without a license.
I told you, I lost my
wallet in the bushes.
What were you
doing in the bushes?
I'm on vacation.
He says he knows you
fellas from Milwaukee.
Is that right?
Milwaukee?!
Is that true, Ricardo?
Milwaukee? What is Milwaukee?
Officer, these gentlemen
are three Tunisian
camel jockeys.
That's the plan
you came up with?
They don't know him, Officer.
That's what I thought.
All right, buddy, come...
Oh, now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
All right guys, tell
this man who I am.
Ralph?
Mock. Mock, mock.
Ralph, tell this man who I am.
His name's Fonzie,
he's a garage mechanic
and a friend of ours
from Milwaukee.
FONZIE: And what else?
RALPH: He's very
cool; the Fonz is cool.
Mock, mock.
Are you satisfied?
Mechanics from Milwaukee?
Tunisian jockeys?
All right, all right, let's
see some I.D. here.
Let's find out who
you guys really are.
Come on, come
on. I.D., let's go.
Uh-huh. I told you so.
Richie Cunningham... 17.
Hey, I told you I
lost it in the woods.
Oh, yeah, all right. Come on.
We got a little
carried away, Fonz.
You were right, Fonz.
They asked us to
make out. Hey...
All right, these look
okay. I'll let it go this time.
Oh, I can't wait for
school to start again.
And you, stay out of the bushes.
Kids.
He is not a nature lover.
We'd like to thank you guys
for making us look like fools.
Does this mean we're
not going to make out?
Teenage Tunisians!
Teenage frauds!
(door slams)
Did I come here at a bad time?
Will you guys stop moping?
They will be back.
They went to the
Fisherman's Dance.
They hate us.
Hey, I saw the way they were
kissing you... they will be back.
(Richie, Potsie, Ralph
muttering dejectedly)
Oh, hi guys.
Hi, girls... Hi. Hi.
Dance over already?
No, it was kind of a drag.
The guys were real turkeys.
We were uh, sort of
wondering if, uh, any of you guys
might, uh, like to go for
a walk around the lake?
Us?
Yeah, how about it?
Let's go! All right!
Mock, mock.
Fonz, how did you
know they'd come back?
Hey, there's an old saying.
"Three Tunisian camel
jockeys in the hand
is worth more than 30
dancing fishermen in the bush."
I'm kind of sorry about leaving
you here alone like this...
Alone?
The Fonz alone?
I got dates all
over these woods.
Now, listen, you just go
and play with your
little friends there,
give them a good Easter, huh?
I'll take care of myself.
You make the Fonz proud.
All right, Fonz. Thanks a lot.
Yeah.
You kidding me?
I've got Cloris across the lake,
I got the forest ranger's
daughter over the hill.
I just don't want to
overdo it, that's all.
I think maybe I'll
just sack out here,
snuggle up with the fire,
play cowboy for a while.
(owl hooting, crickets chirping)
(bullfrog croaking)
(squirrels squeaking)
(hooting)
(chittering)
(croaking)
(trilling)
(chattering)
(hooting)
(chorus of animal
calls continuing)
Cool it!
(calls stop instantly)
♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪
♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪
♪ The weekend comes,
my cycle hums... ♪
Let's see Tarzan do that!
♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪
♪ Happy Days. ♪
♪ Good-bye gray
sky, hello, blue ♪
♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪
♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪
♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪
♪ These days are ours ♪
♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪
♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪