Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 2, Episode 5 - R.O.T.C. - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

Squad!



Ten-hut!

Right shoulder, arms!

About face!

Forward, march!

Left, left, left.

To the right flank, march!

You two soldiers, back in line.

About face!

March!

Back in line, soldiers!

To the left flank, march!

Forward!

Left, left.

Get in step, one, two, halt!

One, two.

What's the matter
with you soldiers?

Look straight ahead.

Ten-hut, ten-hut.

I'm gonna teach you to march.

Look at that.

Look at Squad One.

They know how to march.

Don't look that way,
keep your eyes front!

We're gonna learn some
discipline around here.

Keep that flag
straight, soldier!

I want to give him the
old "Toulouse-Lautrec."

Ten-hut!

Right shoulder, arms!

Left face.

Forward 'arch.

Left... Squad, halt!

Ten-hut!

Attention!

Ten-hut, ten-hut,
ten-hut, ten-hut, ten-hut!

Jeez, you guys,
come on, ten-hut!

You're supposed to... Okay, men.

What's going on here?

Up! Will you get up? Up! Up!

I mean all this...

Huh. This isn't
kindergarten, you know.

This is ROTC

Well, what do you want me to do?

Want me to, uh,
fill out a report

so we can do this all
again in summer school?

In the hot sun?

Now this, uh...

this is the worst
squad I've got.

I don't know.

What's the problem
here? I don't know, sir.

I've been trying to
whip them in shape.

They just don't seem to respond.

I think it's a clear
case of insubordination.

Right.

All right.

You're fired.

Get back in ranks.

Um, I...

Will you get in the ranks?
But I'm squad leader!

Will you get back in the
ranks? Can't I be the squad...

Hey! I'm gonna get
back in the ranks.

All right.

Now, we're gonna
need a new leader.

Someone else to take charge.

You.

What's your name?

Uh, Cunningham,
Richard Cunningham.

Cunningham, step forward.

You're gonna be the new leader.

Aw, sir, I-I really don't
want to be the squad leader.

You'll thank me
for this, soldier.

Let me see you take
charge of this squad.

Right face.

Left face.

Uh... at ease.

Sharp. Sharp!

Carry on, soldier.

Hey, that's great.

Richie's squad leader.

And now we can really goof off.

The best looking
girls are at gym now.

Let's try another panty raid.

Wait a minute, guys.

We got to line up and march.

Attention.

Good idea, Rich.

We'll march over and
check out the girls gym.

We'll really surprise 'em.

Hey, right, Ralph.

Okay, guys, double time, march!

Ho-o!

Attention! Attention!

Good luck, new squad leader.

Hey. Hey!

All right, at ease.

Do you think these ropes
are strong enough, dear?

Are you giving me another
shot about my weight, Marion?

Oh, no.

Well, maybe a little shot, dear.

Will you let me
get on with this?

The ropes are fine. Excuse me.

I haven't gained a
pound in over a year.

Dad, do you need another hand?

He certainly doesn't
need another stomach.

That's two, Marion.

A guy gets a little
soft from no exercise,

and right away everyone
thinks he's gaining weight.

Yeah.

Dad, do you think that
you could give me a note

saying that my ankle is
sprained so I don't have to be

a squad leader in ROTC?

They want to make
you a squad leader?

Yeah, but I told them
I didn't want to do it.

Gee, that's terrific, Richard,

but why do you
want to get out of it?

Because I hate it.

I mean, who wants to
be the boss out there?

Richard, leadership is one of

the most important
qualities in life

for your whole future.

You know, I was a mess
sergeant in the Army,

and that's one of
the main reasons

why I'm a success today
in the hardware business.

It taught me how
to handle people.

Well, I don't know
much about leading men.

Well, there's one
little secret to it.

You got to make
your men love you.

All the great leaders
had that quality...

MacArthur, Nimitz, Bradley.

You know what I used to do?

I used to put extra gravy on
the men's mashed potatoes

and they'd do anything for me.

My squad brings their lunch.

On my birthday, they
wrote "Happy Birthday"

in creamed chip beef
on a big piece of toast.

You're not gonna give
me the note, are you, Dad?

No, Richard,

because I think you should try.

If you want to be
anything in this life,

you got to be a leader.

And remember this:
You got to get your men

to love you before
they'll follow you.

Are you all right?

Don't tell your mother.

She won't give me
dessert for a year.

She's the most
beautiful chick I ever saw.

She's enough to make
me forget Julie Anna Wentz.

She's alone. Go on over.

Don't rush me, Potsie.

My face breaks
out when I'm rushed.

I'm ready.

Hey, guys. I got to
go, Rich, I got to go.

Oh, this'll just take a minute.

I want to see how my
good buddies are doing.

We're doing fine. I got to
go before my face breaks out.

Never mind, I don't have to go.

Ah, good.

You know, I was out
there on that field today

and I was thinking
about how lucky I am

to have buddies like you guys.

Forget it, we're broke.

Oh, I wasn't gonna
put the touch on you.

As a matter of fact,
I was gonna ask you

if there's anything at
all that you guys need.

Oh, well, I could
use a couple of bucks

for the dance Saturday night.

Say no more.

Listen, I only have a dollar,

but I'll give you the
other dollar tomorrow.

Are you feeling okay, Rich?

Sure.

Hey, can't a guy be nice to
his buddies without being crazy?

And we are buddies, right?

Oh, yeah. Blood buddies.

And we have a lot of
laughs together, right?

So, listen, when we get out
there on that field tomorrow,

you guys'll listen
to me, right, guys?

Wrong, guys. Wrong, guys.

I should have asked
for my dollar back.

Come in.

Who are you?

What are you doing here?

Ah, I'm Cunningham, sir.

You made me the leader
of the third squad yesterday.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, why aren't you out
there leading your squad?

Because my men ran away.

Hey!

Good.

Don't worry about that.

It's just a, just a dummy.

Souvenir of "The Big One."

Soldier, today...

today you learned the
secret of good leadership.

Your men hate your guts.

That's right, Cunningham.

Good going, soldier.

But I don't think that I
want my men to hate me.

I'm gonna forget you said that.

All great leaders were
hated by their men.

I mean, MacArthur,
Bradley, Nimitz.

If the men hate
you, they fear you.

And if they fear
you, they'll follow you.

Well, supposing they
just run away again.

Well, then put 'em on report.

Put 'em on report?

My own friends?

Soldier, a good
commander has no friends.

Ten-hut!

I haven't got a ten-hut.

How about two fives?

Great, Ralphie.

All right, the
fun's over, Malph!

That was one of
my better ones, Rich.

Hut! Get this flag up here.

Get your pockets
out of your hands!

It's, uh, "hands out
of your pockets."

Hut!

I did better than you, Richie.

Hut!

All right, now, we
each have a job to do.

If you don't do it, I'm gonna
put you clowns on report!

You'll flunk ROTC,

and you'll have to take it
over again in summer school.

Okay, Cunningham.

Yes, sir.

How's it going, boy?

Are they hating you yet?

Well, sir... Good.
I knew they would.

What's with Richie?

I think this military
junk went to his head.

Yeah.

Look, hey, guys, come here.

I think what Richie
needs is the old treatment.

The treatment?

Right, it's for his own good.

You got it.

All right, I'm glad to see you
guys have finally wised up.

If there's a national
emergency, we'll be prepared.

Ten-hut!

Right shoulder, arms.

Present arms!

All right, now, sound off!

One. Two.

Malph, you're a real
clown, you know that?

You're very funny.

See if you think this is funny.

All right!

All right, that's it!

That did it!

I should put you all on report,

but I'm not going to because
you're friends of mine.

I'm gonna give you
one more chance.

I'm gonna turn my back
and I'm gonna count to five,

and when I turn around, you'd
better be standing at attention

or else I'm gonna
put you on report!

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

All right, that's it!

You're on report!

Wherever you are,
you're on report!

You hear me?!

Ralph Malph, on report!

Potsie Weber, on report!

Chip Grobowski, on report!

Charlie Talbot, on report!

Coz Costello, on report!

Richie Cunningham...
You hear me?!

You're all on report!

You hear that?!

Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Come on, hey, I'll buy you guys
a soda, how about that, huh?

Hey, Ralphie, I learned
something very interesting.

What's that?

In the Army, the enlisted men

aren't supposed to
fraternize with the brass.

I thought it was the
other way around, Potsie.

You guys think I wanted
to put you on report?

You made me do it, you know.

Aw, gee, maybe we
twisted his arm too hard.

We had to.

How else could we get our
best friend to put us on report?

I was just doing my duty.

Most people would realize
we're not talking to him.

Most people would
have caught on by now.

May I take that game, Potsie?

Certainly, Ralphie.

Excuse me, unknown person.

Thank you.

Get the hundred,
get the hundred!

I got it, I got it. Come on!

It's lit, it's lit.

Okay, get it back, get it back.

♪ No mountain too high ♪

Hey, Fonz.

Listen.

Supposing you were in
charge of an ROTC squad,

and, uh, well, the guys
weren't following your orders,

what would you do? Shoot 'em.

Shoot 'em? Yeah.

That's what John Wayne
would do if his, uh, troops

went chicken in
the field in battle.

Yeah, but this isn't
war, it's just ROTC

Okay, then you go
completely the other way.

Just play it cool.

Cool.

Yeah, that's what I
just said... cool. Huh?

You got to give 'em
quiet authority, huh?

See, I'll show you.

Now, it's all in the eyes.

One burger, one coke.

He-he-hey.

What's the he-he-hey?

He-he-ey.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, too much ice in the coke

and not enough ketchup
on the hamburger.

I'll be right back.

See, now that's
called the big C.C.

Cool Communication
through the eyes, huh.

Yeah, but you did throw
in a couple of hey-eys.

Hey-ey's my lingo.

Here you go, Mr. Fonzarelli.

I hope I did it right this time.

Good job.

My pleasure.

Now you got it?

Yeah, I think so. I hope so.

I hope it works for you.

Yeah, me, too. I...

I had a lot of
trouble with them.

I finally had to report them.

You mean that you
squealed on them?

Well, it was all
in the line of duty.

Oh, that's great.

I give you top notch advice

and then you turn
out to be a fink.

Yeah, but Fonz,
they weren't listening.

Hey, Fonz, nothing.

Now just do me a favor,
walk away real slow, huh.

I can't have my
reputation damaged

by being seen
talking to a stoolie.

Go on.

There's not enough
ice in here. Oh...

Hey, Wendy.

Hi, Rich, how's the new leader?

Oh, I'm okay.

He finked on all his friends.

All right, that does it.

Come on, Joanie, up to bed.

Oh, Mom, can't I stay up

to see Grucho give
his secret word?

No, and besides, Grucho
gets too suggestive sometimes.

But I like that stuff.

To bed.

To bed.

Rich, what happened today?

Well, I tried to make
the men love me.

And?

I wound up putting
them on report.

They're gonna hate you.

Yeah, Mr. Binicky
could give them an F

and then they'd have to take
ROTC over again in the summer.

Well, that's pretty drastic.

I had no choice, Dad.

It was like I had a
mutiny on my hands.

Did you see Humphrey
Bogart in The Caine Mutiny?

Are you kidding?

"Then there was a
strawberry incident.

They all turned against me."

No, I, I gotta quit.

I'm no leader.

Oh, I don't think it's
as bad as all that.

You gotta stick it out.

That's what all the
great leaders did.

I know, I know.

MacArthur, Nimitz and Bradley.

I'm gonna go to bed, Dad.

Good night.

Good night, dear.
Good night, Mom.

"You know what
he did, Green Eyes?

He put his own men on report."

Oh, you know how I
love Humphrey Bogart.

Hmm?

"If I'd known that, baby, I'd
have talked this way sooner."

Hey.

It's... left,
right, left... left.

Left.

Left.

This court is now in session.

We are here to find out

if Richard J. Cunningham,
Private, is a fink.

Hey, bring in the fink.

He-he-hey.

I object.

Overruled.

He-he-hey.

Bring in the first witness.

Dad!

Time after time I have to have
a heart-to-heart talk with him.

He's always coming
to me with his problems.

Now, wouldn't you think he could
work something out for himself.

I think he's hopeless.

And I'll tell you
something else.

Last week he put me on report.

Now I have to spend the whole
summer marching in the hot sun.

And what is your relationship?

I'm his sister.

And he's a tease and a big boss.

It's no fun being
related to Richie.

That's the dirtiest
word I ever heard.

I object.

Objection overruled.

He's gone ape with power.

He treats us like puppets.

That's not true.

Left, right, left,
right, left, right.

Left, right, left, right.
Let's go to a panty raid.

Left, right, left, right.
Let's go to a panty raid.

I object.

Overruled.

I can't get a break.

He hasn't got a
friend in the world.

I'll take the stand
in my own defense.

Hey!

I tried my best, but all my
friends turned against me.

I don't care, let 'em.

I don't need any friends.

I don't need anybody.

I'll put them all on report.

I'll put the whole
world on report.

There.

How do you like them apples?

Heyyy.

Guilty.

We find you guilty.

You did?

Could I have an Arnold
burger and a shake before I go?

Would like the blindfold
and one last cigarette?

I don't smoke, I'll
take the blindfold.

Sorry, we can't
break up the set.

Ready?

Aim.

Fire!

No. No.

No!

Uh, stop.

Stop. I'll change.

I'll change.

I'll change!

I'll change.

I'll change.

I'll change.

All right, listen up.

This is the form putting
all you guys on report.

Guys... I gotta level with you.

When Mr. Binicky made
me squad leader, I...

I didn't know what to do.

I tried everything.

I guess it was because I felt...

you guys weren't backing me up.

Guess I sort of lost my temper.

But I'm just going
to be myself now.

If you want to
follow, that's fine.

If you don't, there's, there's
nothing I can do about it.

That was beautiful, Rich.

Just like Burt Lancaster
to Montgomery Clift

in From Here To Eternity.

Hey, Rich, uh...

I guess we all sort of
took advantage of you

and, well, we're sorry.

Listen.

If you march good in
the inspection today,

I promise to quit
as squad leader.

Really? Yeah.

And then we can
be buddies again.

Which means you owe me a dollar.

Thanks, buddy.

All right, now, just
one time good, all right?

Okay! Okay.

Let's go.

Come on, guys.

Ten-hut.

Right shoulder, arms.

Thanks, guys, this is terrific.

Your son's squad's next.

Third squad, pass and review.

I'm so proud.

You should be.

He's gonna be a great leader.

His men hate him.

Right shoulder, arms!

Okay, let's show them, guys.

Forward, 'arch.

Left, left.

Left, right, left.

Left flank, march.

Left.

Left, left, right.

Right flank, march.

Left, left.

Left, right, left.

Hey, watch out.

Hey, get back!

They're all wet.

Boy, you did just fine, Richard.

You just did fine.

Mom, will you quit saying
that because I did terrible.

No, you went in there

and you threw yourself
on that live sprinkler.

You saved all those boys.

Does Jefferson
High School give out

Congressional Medals Of Honor?

I, I let you down, Dad.

I'm no leader.

Oh, Howard, tell him.

All right, Marion,
if you'll, uh...

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'll just go upstairs
and run a hot bath, dear.

That's a good idea, Marion.

When I'm through,
you can take a shower.

Richard, I was
proud of you today.

Oh, I fouled up,
Dad, don't say that.

I was proud of you
because you tried.

Look, it's not important
to be a great leader.

It isn't? No.

It's just as important
to be a good follower.

Follow me.

Dad, don't you ever get tired

of solving all my
problems for me?

There you are, fellas.

Bon appetite.

If all waitresses were like her,

I'd become an ice cream junky.

Hey, Cunningham.

I hear you messed up
your squad the other day.

Good going. Good going?

Yeah, let me tell you something.

Guys like you make
this country tick.

Remember this...

foul-ups shall
inherit the Earth.

Hmm?

Nah, you'll never
remember it, huh?

I'll write it on the
bathroom wall for you.

Heyyy.

Come on, but you
have to stay outside.

Rich, we're gonna
inherit the Earth.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Potsie. Hey, Potsie.

Guess who's the
new squad leader?

Who?

Ten-hut!

Yeah, my father thinks it's a
good idea to learn leadership.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

Now we know who not to talk to.

Right.

We'll start by
jamming bubble gum

in his rifle.

Yeah, and then we'll put salt

in his canteen.

♪ Hello, sunshine,
good-bye, rain ♪

♪ She's wearing my
school ring on her chain ♪

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man ♪

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Oh, please be mine ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪