Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Cunningham Caper - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rocking and
rolling all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

Hi, Richie.



How are you feeling, dear?

Better, except I can't
find Jack Horner's thumb.

Why are you doing
Joanie's old jigsaw puzzle?

Because I've done all
the crossword puzzles,

all the connect-the-dots,
all the follow-the-mazes.

It was either jigsaw
or die of boredom.

Well, this will cheer you up.

A happy face made out of Jell-O?

Yeah, I thought I'd treat
you to some solid food.

Mom, I don't think Jell-O

technically qualifies
as solid food.

Well, doesn't that cheer you up?

If you want to cheer me up,
get me a happy face pizza.

Now, Richard,

your stomach isn't
strong enough for that.

It's been so long
since I had solid food,

I'm forgetting how
to use my teeth.

How's it going, Rich?

It's going very boring.

Well, no one
said that Asiatic flu

was supposed to be interesting.

Just be patient, Richard.

The doctor says
you're going to be better

in a couple of days.
Couple of days?

Marion, we're all supposed
to go see Cinerama tonight.

Well, I'd better not go.

I could hardly enjoy flying
through the Grand Canyon

with a sick boy on my mind.

Can Rosita go?

If that roller coaster ride is
really wild, she'll throw up.

Never mind that.

We'll all stay home.

Supposed to be a family outing,

so I'll just exchange
the tickets.

Terrific!

Now I can take Ronnie,
Bonnie and Rosita.

Boy, I'd better bring
a lot of barf bags.

You know, she's growing
into quite a young lady.

Oh, what an exciting game.

Richie now leads
Cunningham 76-74.

Cunningham takes the ball out
being closely guarded by Richie.

Cunningham fakes
to his right, shoots.

Aw, short. No good.

Hey, Fonz. Hey...

How long you been out there?

Not long.

I missed the first half.

Well, I'm glad you
came and everything,

but why'd you go
through the window?

Hey, do you want me to parade

through your living
room with these?

Wow, Confidential,
Police Digest...

Playboy.

What'd you expect,
Jack and Jill?

Where'd you get these, Fonz?

Well, I got a deal
with my barber.

If I spread around
that he does my DA,

I get a free haircut,

free magazines and first
crack at his manicurist.

Is there something
else I can get you?

Yeah, there is.

Food.

Solid food like, uh...

like pizza or cheese dogs

or onion rings. Anything at all.

Yeah, I can dig it.

You're tired of egg
in your milk, huh?

Yeah, and mashed-up
aspirin in my applesauce.

Hey, listen,
mothers are like that.

Mine used to sprinkle
aspirin on my linguine

and tell me it was
parmesan cheese.

Well, I gotta have
some solid food.

I used to dream about girls,

now I'm dreaming
about French fries.

I'll bring it back to you

when I come back with your car.

My car?

Yeah. I gotta
borrow your wheels.

I'm taking Yvette
to the drive-in

and it is very difficult

to get in the back
seat of my motorcycle...

if you get my drift.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess
that'd be all right.

Just don't forget the
food. All right, Fonz?

Hey... Thanks.

Don't you need my keys?

Hey...!

And he makes a
20-foot jump shot.

That makes the score 527-527.

What an exciting game.

Just listen to that crowd roar.

Yeah, yeah.

Boo, boo... And he
misses, in and out.

Richie, how you doing?

Rich, hey, good to see you.

Not too long, now, boys.

We just don't want
Richard to get excited.

Oh, don't worry, Mrs. C.

We want our good buddy up and
at 'em again as much as you do.

Right, Ralph? Right, Potsie.

Oh, and, Mrs. C.,
have a pleasant day.

It came, it came.

What, what came?
Our ticket to paradise.

"Potsie Kowalski"?

Yeah, I couldn't
use my real name.

"General post office
delivery." What is this?

It's the French
sunbathing films I sent for.

Come on, Rich, your dad has
an eight millimeter projector.

Let's set it up. You're
out of your mind.

My parents are here.

They were gonna go
see Cinerama tonight,

but they're staying
here because I'm sick.

Get better!

Come on, Rich, I'm
dying to see this film.

Talk them into going.

Well, it it's not an
easy thing to do.

Rich, I didn't want to show
you this in your condition,

but you forced me into it.

What is it?

Look at the ad
between "Ruptured"

and "How to Study to be
a Forest Ranger at Home."

Oh, yeah.

"Unusual films for
the connoisseur.

"See the bare facts.

French beauties on the
naked sands on the Riviera."

See, "bare" and
"naked" are underlined.

It's a code.

And look, "Must be 25
or over to order this film."

All the other ads say 18.

Yeah? Yeah.

Bare?

Naked?

Richard. Hi, everybody.

What are you doing down here?

Well, I'm feeling so
much better that I...

I thought I'd come down and
see what solid food looks like.

Oh, the boys' visit must
have cheered you up.

Oh, yeah, it really did. Anyway,

I'm feeling a lot
better and, uh...

I think that you
should go to the movie.

We couldn't leave
you alone, dear.

I'm not gonna be alone.

Ralph and Potsie are
gonna come over here

and help me catch
up on my homework.

Well, I don't think so.

Marion, he says
he's feeling better.

And besides, you
deserve a night out

after taking that
hot chicken soup

up and down the stairs all day.

That's right.

I couldn't leave
him alone, dear.

A flight through Grand
Canyon, just like in a plane?

Grand Canyon.

The roller coaster...
Roller coaster. No.

Lowell Thomas, 40 feet high.

Lowell Thomas.

Lowell Thomas...

Are you sure that
you feel all right, dear?

I feel fine and I really
wish that you'd go.

All right.

Yippee!

Now, you have the number

of the doctor and the theater,

and the fire department? Right.

Marion, we're not going on
the voyage of the Kon-Tiki.

We'll be back in a few
hours, now come on.

Mom, go.

I'll be all right.

Now you just try to
get some rest then.

Oh, I will.

See you later, Rich.

I will. I'll really rest.

Well, I still don't

feel right about leaving
him alone, Howard.

Marion, the boy is
gonna be all right.

You're just overreacting.

I'm not overreacting.

Joanie, you should
have a sweater on

underneath that coat.

Oh, Mom, do I have to?

It makes me look fat.

Well, wouldn't it
be better to look fat

rather than get
double-pneumonia?

Marion, you're
overreacting again.

Hello, Ralph?

Yeah, come on over.

Right, right. It's all clear.

Quit breathing so heavy

or your parents will
know something's up.

Okay, I'll see you.

All right, let's hear it for
bare facts and naked sands.

Rah, rah, rah!

Pots?

Listen, Weber, I wish
you'd quit clowning around.

This isn't very funny.

I wasn't going
for no joke, buddy.

What are you doing here?

I live here.

What are you doing here?

I work here.

In my house?

Yeah.

For tonight.

Why didn't you go to that
Cinerama thing with your folks?

How did you know
where my parents went?

A good burglar's
supposed to know

everything about his clientele,

especially when the house
is supposed to be empty.

Why isn't this house empty?

I'm sick.

Everything is going wrong today.

This morning I go
to rob my first bank,

the lines are too long.

I get outside, they
towed my car away.

I should've stayed in bed.

What do you got?

Asiatic flu.

Not disease-wise, loot-wise!

Oh.

Well, I guess I never

thought about it
before... loot-wise.

Keep your hands in sight.

Don't make me use this.

I won't. I won't.

Okay, okay, I
got to get to work.

So don't try anything funny.

Where do your folks
keep the good stuff?

Good stuff?

Yeah, like the silver.

We haven't got any.

If they're married,
they got silver.

Stop kidding around.

Where is it?

Dining room, middle
drawer of the sideboard.

Forks on the right,
spoons left, knives on top.

You're a chatty little fellow
once you put your mind to it.

Come on, come on.

Ho-ho-hold this.

And keep it open.

Oh, you can't take those.

Huh, why not?

Those are valuable!

You don't know nothing about
the burglary business, do you?

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

What do you mean? Why not?

That set used to belong
to my grandmother.

It's been in my family
for over 50 years.

Yeah? And now it's
gonna be in my family.

See how things work out?

Try the middle drawer.

Oh, I really wish
you wouldn't take this.

You're gonna tell me
this has sentimental value.

It does. I knew it.

My brother and my kid sister
and I saved our pennies for months

so that we could buy this for
my parents' tenth anniversary.

It's never even been used.

This has never been used?

My mom says it's too good.

What do you guys eat with

on Christmas and
Thanksgiving, shovels?

No, my mom uses the
good stainless steel.

Yeah? My mother's
like that, too.

Come on.

Who's that?

You expecting somebody?

Yeah, it's my friend
Ralph and Potsie.

Potsie?

Even though I'm dying to
see what a Potsie looks like,

I'm gonna be hiding
out in the closet.

You get rid of 'em,
or you'll all be sorry.

Here we are.

Ooh-la-la comes to Milwaukee.

Guys, we can't show the movie.

What do you mean "can't"?

Well, well, what does
"can't" usually mean?

What's the matter?

Is your mom and dad still here?

No, no, they left, but
the movie's canceled.

Canceled?!

You can't do that.

I've been running
French coming attractions

through my head all afternoon.

Yeah, and I spent all
day convincing my eyes

they were over 25.

I had a relapse.

A guy's gotta be
in tip-top condition

to see French films, right?

Then loan us the projector.

All right.

Thanks.

Hey...

Thanks.

All right. Thanks.

But I don't know where
we're gonna show it.

I got it. We'll show it on the
bathroom wall at Arnold's.

Sure, Potsie.

It'll look great with
"Employees Must Wash Hands

Before Leaving" written
across someone's belly.

Rich, are you sure you
don't want to see it with us?

No. You have to go.

We're going, we're
going, we're going.

All right. I'll see you.

Richie's acting awfully nervous.

Something's fishy.

Somebody's in there
that shouldn't be in there.

Right.

Are you thinking what I'm
thinking? He's got a girl in there.

You're back.

We get it, Rich.

You do?

Yeah, you got a chick in here.

Who is it, Gloria or Mary Beth?

Listen, you guys gotta go
'cause I gotta go to sleep.

If you want us to go why
are you holding onto us?

Shh! Are you crazy?

H...

E...

L... I got it. "Helen".

Helen's here.

Who's Helen?

F... Helf. What's that?

That's a P, stupid.

It's not "helf," it's "help."

He's writing help
because there's a burglar

in the house and he needs help.

Is that right, Rich?

There's a burglar in the house?

Get in there, quick.

Okay.

Okay, where's the burglar, huh?

Where's the burglar?

Burglar, meet my
friends, Ralph and Potsie.

You need to widen your
circle of acquaintances.

These are the most useless
friends I've ever seen.

A burglar.

Why didn't you
just spell burglar?

You didn't get "help."

You think you would
have gotten "burglar"?

Are you a real burglar
or are you just kidding?

You want some proof?

No, no. Don't kill us.

Kidnap us instead.

I know my father will
give you at least $886

That's what he paid
to have my teeth fixed.

What's with you guys?

Do I look like a kidnapper?

Well, a little
around the eyes...

Okay, okay, knock it off.

This is par for the course.

Now I got American
Bandstand with all the kids.

I'm going to warn you
these hands are registered

with the FBI as lethal weapons.

You'd better surrender.

Hah!

Ralph, how many times

do you have to
pull that judo bluff

before you realize
it just doesn't work?

He could have shot me.

At least I would have
gone out fighting.

We gotta get outta here.

Why? It's safe here.

Well, I'm gonna see this
film even without a projector.

I can't believe what's
happening here.

This man is taking
everything that my family owns

and you guys are
just sitting around.

Now, we gotta go for the police.

Well, how we gonna get out?

I've been gypped!

I ordered French
Sun Bathing films

and look what I got.

People playing
volleyball on the beach.

Dressed.

I bet it's not even in France.

Look, will you forget the films?

I got an idea.

Look, one of us can
climb through the window,

out into the tree, jump down

and run for help, all right?

Great idea!

Go ahead, Pots.

Oh... I'm scared of heights.

Once I had to be rescued

on the balcony
of a movie theater.

And I'm still weak
from being sick.

Okay. Okay.

But I'm doing it under protest.

I'm supposed to
be cute, not athletic.

Give me a hand.

Right. Let's go, Rich.

Up, up, okay.

Okay, guys, I'll see
you soon with the bulls.

Cops... good.

I wanna tell them
about this film, too.

This isn't France.

Dumb plan, Rich.

He would have made it

if he wasn't afraid to
jump out of the tree.

Get that.

Gimme the door.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

We need a real plan...

and I think I've got one.

You do?

It's brilliant.

Brilliant.

Okay.

Here it is.

Pay close attention 'cause
there'll only be one briefing.

Here's the door.

Potsie stands in the middle
of the room, right here.

Richie stands next to him.

I'll stand next to
the door by the light.

Potsie calls out and makes
an excuse for the burglar

to open up the door.

Any questions so far?

What excuse?

Make one up, will you?

When he comes through the door,

I turn out the light
and Potsie shoots him.

Oh, right. We don't have a gun.

I got it!

I got it!

You shoot him with this.

Then what do I do, shave him?

No.

Potsie shoots him in the face

and when he's blinded,

you knock him out of
the way and run for help.

And, Rich, hit him low.

Roger, Ralph.

Okay, guys, in your places.

Let's go, let's
go. Okay, let's go.

Let's go. Okay, ready?

Ready?

Potsie, go ahead.

Mr. Burglar.

Hey, hey, Mr. Burglar.

Ow!

What do you want?

I gotta get out, um...
it's an emergency.

What's wrong?

I gotta go to the bathroom.

No... no, don't pay
any attention to him.

He... he breaks up
when he's under pressure.

What pressure?

Richie got sick again.

He passed out.

We need a doctor.

Go, Rich! Make a break!

Go ahead, boy. Move!

All right.

Okay, is the
children's hour over?

I got work to do.

What happened?

I held the can the wrong way.

Oh, Potsie, why don't you
go over to the burglar's side?

We'd have a better chance.

Okay.

You guys are gonna
help me carry that loot.

Follow me.

And I don't want
any of that funny stuff.

Potsie, if you had half a
brain, you'd be dangerous.

Oh, yeah?

Good comeback, Pots.

Malph, if you ever consider
a life in crime, look me up.

I could use a good
strong kid like you.

Great.

If I don't get into
dental school,

you'll be the first one I call.

I can't believe this.

I'm helping a guy
rob my own family.

One more load and
you'll start to get over that.

What is this?

Open house at Boys' Town?

Who's there?

Some hood holding a pizza.

Get rid of him.

I'll be in the closet
and remember

I can hear everything
you guys say.

Come on, come on.

It's the, uh, it's
the delivery boy

from Fonzarelli's Pizza.

Yeah, that's me.

How much do I owe you?

A buck seventy-five.

Very funny, very amusing.

Give me my money.

I only have 50 cents.

Hey, you order a
pizza and you only got...

you only got 50 cents?

Come on, give me the money.

I swear to God, there's
a burglar in the closet.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Excuse me.

Well, call the cops.

All right, Fonz. That's great.

Why didn't we think of that?

Because you are you and I'm me.

Oh, yeah, that's why.

Hey, what's going on out there?

We just took you prisoner,
that's what's going on.

Okay... I'm gonna blast my way

outta here on
the count of three.

One... Hit the dirt!

Two...

three!

Come on you guys, let me out.

He doesn't have a gun.

How'd you know he
didn't have a gun?

There's an old
saying among crooks...

"He who steals with a gun
in his hand gets ten years

to life in the can."

Oh, great.

I gotta get a hood who
knows prison poetry.

Okay.

Okay, I lied.

I got no gun.

It's a can opener.

You gonna call the cops?

Hey, I got an image.

Oh, I'll call. I got no image.

Come on, will you?

A guy could starve.

All right, I gotcha.

What? No anchovies?

The Fonz comes
through in a clutch.

To Fonzie, the best.

The best. The best.

All right.

All right, Joanie, on up to bed.

It's way past your bedtime.

Oh.

I bet the Vienna
Choir Boys are still up.

Now, aren't you glad I
took you to this movie, huh?

Oh, yes, dear.

That was just about the
most exciting movie I ever saw.

It was just... wonderful.

Hi. Hi.

I just came down
to get some milk.

How was Cinerama?

Not so hot.

Not so hot? What do you mean?

You just got through...
I'm just trying to let on

we didn't have a good time.

It was, uh, mildly spectacular.

What time did Potsie
and Ralph go home?

Oh, I guess they
must have gone home

right after the police left.

The police?

What were the police doing here?

Well, they came to
pick up the burglar.

What burglar?

Oh, right... the burglar.

What burglar?

You know, Marion, the burglar.

Well, we'll see you
in the morning, Son.

Good night.

Night.

Howard, what burglar?

He's been sick, Marion.

He's just dreaming.

Oh, poor Richard.

Well, come on up to bed
now, dear, it's awful late.

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪
Okay.

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy Days ♪

Watch out for the toaster, dear.

I see the toaster, Marion.

Hey, what's the toaster doing

in the middle of
the living room?

Never mind, just put
it on the coffee table

next to the vacuum.

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ These are such happy days. ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine,
good-bye, rain ♪

♪ She's wearing my
school ring on her chain ♪

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man ♪

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Oh, please be mine ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪