Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 2, Episode 13 - Fonzie's Getting Married - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪



♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

♪ Found my thrill... ♪

Tonight's Happy Days was
filmed before a live audience.

Everybody, everybody quiet.

All right, all right,
listen to me a second.

I got big news.

Hey, will you people cool it?

I am trying to talk.

♪ ♪

All right. Now quiet!

Go ahead, Fonz.

All right now, listen up.

I'm gonna say this
one time, one time only.

All right. Now, this Sunday

something very special is
going to happen, and, uh,

some of you are
gonna be invited.

I bet it's a rumble.

Hey, there's no rumble.

There's a rumble in your head.

This Sunday... I, the Fonz...

am gettin' married.

Getting married?

I wonder who she is.

You want to go in the
bathroom and ask him?

Yeah. All right. Yeah, come on.

♪ On Blueberry Hill ♪

Come on in.

Hey, hey, Fonz, was
that for real out there?

You guys hear me
turn off the jukebox?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Did you hear what
was on the jukebox?

Fats Domino. Would
I turn off the Fats?

It's for real.

Hey, you don't marry
a girl you don't love.

Is it Phyllis with the tattoo?

No tattoos.

No tattoos.

Is it Shirley?

No.

Is it Lorraine? Lorraine, Fonz?

Well, which one is it, Fonz?

Now, you guys don't know her.

Oh... Some new talent, huh?

Hey, you watch your
mouth. This girl's a lady.

A lady?

Yeah... Her name is Maureen.

Maureen. Maureen.

I think I saw her...
Maureen... Hey.

Come here, come here.

You don't understand.
I'm gettin' wed.

You don't marry
a girl on a wall.

Was your mother on the wall?

No, no, no, no...

But we didn't know you
cared about these things, Fonz.

Hey, there's a lot you
don't know about me.

I'm a man of mystery.

What's that?

This happens to be a list

of the qualifications
of a perfect wife.

Can we hear it?

Yeah, I guess you're ready.

Great. Yeah.

All right. One... good listener.

Yeah. Yeah. Right, right.

Two, good sense of humor.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Three, no mustache.

No... No... No...

Four, and this is a
biggie, must be untried.

Oh, right, untried.

Five... What's untried?

Dummy.

It means she's
never been in court.

It means that
she's gotta be pure.

She's gotta be a virgin.

Virgin.

Five, a high school
diploma or equivalency.

Six... Fonz, don't
get mad, but, uh,

how can you be sure about
that, w-well... the number four?

Yeah. Yeah.

About her being a virgin?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

She told me.

Six... Well, couldn't
she have lied?

C'mere.

Virgins don't lie.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Six... I wanna tell you
something, uh, Cunningham,

I'd like to talk to you in
here by yourself, huh?

Okay.

You want us to leave, Fonz?

Don't be silly;
we're all friends.

Let's go, Pots. Right, Ralph.

Fonz, what's up? You
a little nervous, huh?

You want some advice?

It was just a joke.

Let me tell you
something, Cunningham...

I want you to be my best man.

W-Well... that'd be
a great honor, Fonz.

I know.

See, Rocky Baruffi...

Rocky Baruffi
was my first choice,

but he's still in prison.

Hey, I said in here alone!

There's something
I forgot to do.

He-He just had 12 malteds.

Keep your hands over your ears.

Okay, Fonz.

Are we finished, Fonz?

No, there's one more thing.

Now, Maureen is
a very classy chick.

I'd like to do one classy
thing before we get married.

That's nice. Yeah.

I want her to meet your folks.

Meet my folks? Yeah.

See, your parents are, the, uh,

closest thing I got to a family.

They'll make a good
impression. They're average.

And besides,

your mother always
calls me Arthur.

All right. Well,
I'll talk to my folks

and I'll let you
know what night.

Thursday. I'll tell them.

Hey!

How did he, uh... Uh,
maybe with his foot?

I'll get it.

Hi.

It's us.

Right.

After you.

Hey, uh, this is, uh,
Richie Cunningham.

This is, uh, Maureen
Johnson, my fiancée.

This is his average family.

Very nice to meet you,
Maureen. Glad to meet you.

Oh, would you like
an average drink?

Oh, oh, uh...
Maureen don't drink.

Oh, oh... does she eat?

That's very good, Mr. C.

Well, dinner is ready.
Why don't we just sit down?

All right.

See, uh, Mr. C. often amuses us

with his wit, you know.

Are you nervous?

Oh, no, not just as
long as I'm with you.

Now, Maureen, you and
Fonzie can sit on this side.

Oh! All right.

There you go, Maureen.

Mrs. C.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, thanks, Mr. C.

Miss Johnson, haven't
we met someplace before?

Oh, no. I don't think so.

Well, you look
very familiar to me.

Do you buy much hardware?

I beg your pardon?

Well, I-I-I-I have
a hardware store.

Oh, no.

Oh, somehow I just
associate you with hardware.

Oh, excuse me,
I'll get the salad.

Where are you from, Maureen?

Oh, well, all over the place,
but, uh... lately Chicago.

Oh, that's a great city.

We hold our annual
hardware convention in...

Oh...

Uh, uh, uh... would you
just excuse me for a minute?

I gotta go help Marion with
something. Don't get up, Fonzie.

You see, Mr. C.
Often helps Mrs. C.

Not very often.

And this is your
average smart kid.

Marion, you remember
the hardware convention

last year in Chicago? No.

What do you mean, "No"?

Because you didn't
take me. Oh, right.

Well, you remember me
telling you about it, huh?

Yes, and I have already
thanked you for not taking me.

Yeah, well, there's one
thing I'm sorry you missed.

Your speech about pliers?

No, no, the entertainment.

It was Maureen.

You told me that the
only entertainment

was a stripper.

You mean Maureen
was the stri...?!

You're kidding.

I'm positive!

That's ridiculous. Look, Marion,

she called herself
the "Lone Stripper."

"The Lone Stripper"?

Yes. She used to come
out wearing this cowboy hat

and these spurs
and these six-guns

and all those cute
little silver bullets.

Well, if she wore a mask, then
how do you know it was her?

Because I have X-ray
vision. She took the mask off.

What's holding things
up? Joanie's eating salt.

Wh-What are you doing?

Here, take in the salad.

It's mixed. Take in the bowls.

All right. Pass the
bowls, serve the salad.

Pass the bowls, serve the salad.

Serve from the left,
Richard. Who cares?

Oh...

Howard, you're always imagining
that you recognize people.

Yeah, but this time I
can prove it, Marion,

because the girl who stripped
had a very distinctive laugh.

Like a seal.

Like a seal?

Yeah.

Well, are you gonna
ask her to laugh?

Well, of course I'm not
gonna ask her to laugh.

I'm simply gonna tell
her one of my jokes

and then when she does
laugh, I'll know if it's her.

Well, what if she doesn't
laugh? Don't be funny, Marion.

Mrs. C., this salad is
excellent. Excellent!

Really terrific.

Oh, she makes a great salad.

But you should
really taste her soup.

And speaking of soup...

Uh, speaking of soup,

I heard a very funny
story the other day.

Why don't you tell it?

I think I will.

Well, you see, there was this
drunk and, uh, this old bum,

and he came to this house
and knocked on the door.

And the lady of the house
asked what he wanted.

He said he wanted
something to eat.

And the lady said, "Well, do
you mind yesterday's soup?"

And the bum said,
"No, that'll be fine."

And she said, "Good,
come back tomorrow."

Good-bye. Good night. Thank you.

Thank you very much.
Very nice to meet you.

I'm glad to have met you.

Hey, uh, Mrs.
C., your cookin'...

Oh, thank you, Arthur.

Hey. Oh.

Cute laugh.

That Maureen's a
real nice girl, isn't she?

And talented.

Oh, Howard, I was
watching Fonzie,

and I don't think he knows.

Knows what?

And I don't think Richard knows.

Why don't you tell him?

Why me, Marion?

Because it's seedy coming
from a woman. Just...

Seedy?

She's not talkin' about
Fonzie's bachelor party, is she?

'Cause it's not gonna be seedy.

No, she's not talking
about that, Richard.

Sit down for a minute,
will you? Oh, that's good.

'Cause we want to have
it here. Well, that's fine.

Will you sit down for a minute?
You can come, too, Dad.

Well, I might be out of
place. Please sit down.

Will you, Richard? Oh,
Fonzie wants you to come.

He likes you 'cause you
made Maureen laugh.

All right! All right! I'll come.

Will you tell some
of your Army jokes?

I'll tell all my Army
jokes! I'll wear funny hats.

That's good. I'll do
anything you want.

Just sit down, sit down.

Thank you.

Now listen to me.

You're...

well, you're almost
an adult now,

aren't you?

Yes, I, I am.

And you know pretty
much the ways of the world?

Sure.

Well, when I was a boy we
used to have this saying...

We used to say that there
are two kinds of girls...

Those who do and
those who don't.

Well, uh... we have the same
saying, Dad, only sometimes

it's kinda hard to tell
which ones are which.

Oh, yeah... Well, there
is an old rule of thumb

and it goes like this...

Any girl who gets up and dances

in front of 400 drunken
hardware salesmen

and takes off every
stitch of clothing

is probably a "do."

Do you know a
girl like that, Dad?

Hey, another wrench.

Sorry about that, Fonz.

Hey, Potsie, you can never
have too many wrenches.

Four wrenches, and not
one of them from my store.

Hey, thanks, Mr. C.

Except that one.

Aw, see, now one of
you guys is on the ball.

All right, a chrome exhaust.

Hey, Cunningham, excellent.

Excellent!

Fonz, I was gonna get you that.

Yeah. All right, let's go
see if it fits on my bike, huh?

Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Nobody touch my
bike. See if it fits.

Maybe you'll need a wrench.

Hey, use mine, Fonz!

Uh... Richie, wait
a minute, will you?

Yeah, Dad?

Did you, uh, tell him?

Well, I tried to tell him this
afternoon, but I couldn't.

Well, you don't
have to tell him.

You can show him.

Here.

Read that.

"Burlesque.

Girls, girls, girls!

Six, count 'em, six."

No, no, no, look at the picture.

Well, Dad, she's wearing a mask.

Well, that's her act,
"The Lone Stripper."

Apparently she rides again.

Well, that's great,
because Fonzie thinks

she works in a library.

Richard, no one ever checked
books in or out of this place.

All right, well, I'll... I'll
tell him during the films.

You got films?

W-well, Ra-Ralph's
cousin got us some films.

Oh, that's okay. I, I'll
just get out of the way.

Oh, you don't have
to, Dad. No, it's all right.

I probably saw 'em anyway.

Hey, it fits like a dream.

I'll put it on tomorrow.

It sure looked good to me.

Hey, Fonz, check this out.

Pretty neat, huh?

Very childish,
Malph, very childish.

Why do you give me these toys?

Childish!

Well, I'm hungry.

Where's the food?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Where
did your Dad go?

Oh, he went upstairs
to, uh, to read.

All right. Potsie, get
the projector. Okay!

Set up the screen.
You move the chairs.

Everyone sit on the
floor and stay low.

We don't want to
miss the good stuff.

Fonz, can I talk to you
for a minute, please?

Yeah. This stuff is
for nerds anyway.

Hey, hey.

You got this ready?

Okay. Projector ready!

Someone get the lights.

And away we go!

Who's the lady?

That's my aunt.

Your aunt?!

This isn't a stag film.

It's Yellowstone Park!

Oh, Ralph, what's
wrong with you?

My idiot cousin.

He sent me his vacation films.

These are home movies!

Well, how do you think I feel?

I've already seen 'em.

All right, turn
off the projector.

Fonz!

What's going on?

Party's over.

Why?

Just get outta here,
will you please?

Just get outta here.

Take all your presents,

and distribute
them, give 'em back.

Here. All but this one.

Just get outta here, please.

Huh? come on!

It was only Yellowstone Park.

Just get out of here.

He doesn't like
Yellowstone Park.

Come on. Maybe it gets better.

Yeah, right.

What's all the noise down here?

Uh-oh, You showed him, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, he showed me.

I'm telling you, Mister...

Mr. Cunningham,
this ain't Maureen.

Now, look, Fonzie, I
understand how you feel,

but marriage is a big step.

Now, look, for your own sake

you ought to go down to see her

and make sure that I'm wrong.

Fonzie, Dad's just trying to...

Yeah, yeah, I know
what he's trying.

All right, I'm goin'.

But you guys are comin' with me.

This ain't Maureen.

Not even Phyllis with
the tattoos would strip.

I guess we owe it
to him, huh, Dad?

You realize we're probably
gonna have to sit through

six other strippers
before she comes on.

If we hurry.

And there you have the very
wonderful LaVerne and her duck.

The old duck was better.

Bring on the Lone Stripper.

I gotta catch a
plane to Pittsburgh.

I know that Maureen ain't here.

She's at the liberry.

And now, direct from a
triumphant engagement

at the Storm Door
Convention in St. Louis...

our featured attraction...

the one and only...
Lone Stripper!

Hi-ho, Silver!

It's not her. Let's go.

Now, wait a minute.

She hasn't taken
her mask off yet.

Cancel Pittsburgh.

I'm in love.

I don't care!

Fonzie, wait!

Oh, Fonzie!

Mr. C...

Well, it's okay.

I spoke to the management.

We're not gonna be arrested.

Oh, well, that's good
news, isn't it, Fonz?

Did he talk to her?

Just for a minute and then
she had to get changed.

Well, what'd he find out?

The only thing she's got
on my list is no mustache.

Fonz,

I-I'm sorry I had to
be the one to tell you,

but Dad and I thought
you should know, that's all.

It's all right, you know.

I mean, I appreciate it.

Well, you'll get over it.

I don't want to get over it.

I love her.

I want to marry her.

Hi. I-I really
enjoyed your show.

Oh, I-I love Westerns.

Thanks.

Uh... could I talk

to Fonzie for a minute alone?

Oh, uh... come on, Rich.

Let's you and I
wash our hands, huh?

Don't touch anything
in the bathroom.

Want a bullet?

It's candy.

Oh, Fonz.

When I was in high school,

all my girl friends

had the same dream
and they all wanted

to get married and settle
down, find a nice guy...

All except me.

I just wanted to go
into show business.

Lately I've been having
these second thoughts

about being a stripper.

My family won't talk to me.

My mother keeps
hiding my holsters

and then I met you.

And I thought... well,

maybe I could settle down.

I mean, I like you better
than any guy I've ever known.

Then let me ask
you one question.

Why'd you lie to me?

Because I know guys like
you have very strict rules

about the girls
they want to marry.

Why, I knew a guy once
who even made up a list.

The guy's a jerk.

I'm the jerk because
I lied to myself.

I don't want to be a housewife.

I like working

and I love being
in the spotlights.

I have this terrific job
offer... to go to Toledo,

and they might even
give me my own horse.

I can't top that.

I'm sorry, Fonzie,

especially about the lying part.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. Sure. I'm a worldly guy.

I ain't gonna stand
in the way of stardom.

I even knew why you lied.

I'm a great catch. You
didn't want to lose me.

That's right.

I didn't.

There's only one Fonz.

Hey-y-y.

Hey-y-y.

Well, I guess there's, uh...

nothing left but saying,
"good-bye," huh?

Bye, Fonzie.

How long does it take two
grown men to wash your hands?

So what happened, Fonz?

What happened?

I'm a very sensitive guy.

I let her down easy.

She's got this
great job in Toledo.

Hi-ho!

She'll get over it.

Well, let's go home, huh?

Yeah. You're the coolest, Fonz.

Oh, yeah. I am the coolest.

Hey, Richie.

You find any good numbers

on the wall in there? Hey.

Oh, boy, I'm really exhausted.

Dad, how did
that, that duck lady

keep the front of
her costume on?

Good night, Richard.

I didn't see any strings.

Centrifugal force?

No. She wasn't
going fast enough.

Glue? No that, that would hurt.

Hey, Marion, forget the coffee.

Don't you want to go to bed?

Hi-ho, Silver!

Cancel Pittsburgh, I'm in love.

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ This day is ours, these
are such Happy Days! ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine,
good-bye, rain ♪

♪ She's wearing my
school ring on her chain ♪

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man ♪

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Oh, please be mine ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪