Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 2, Episode 10 - A Star Is Bored - full transcript

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ The weekend
comes, my cycle hums ♪

♪ Ready to race to you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪



♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪

♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Groovin' all week with you ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Share them with me ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These days are ours ♪

♪ Happy and free ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Good-bye, gray
sky, hello, blue ♪

♪ There's nothing can
hold me when I hold you ♪

♪ It feels so right,
it can't be wrong ♪



♪ Rockin' and
rollin' all week long ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪

What'll it be, boys?

Poison.

I'll have the same.

Me, too.

How much did you
lose by this time?

14 to one.

I'll make it doubles.

Look, you're getting better.

I mean, at least, this
game, you scored.

We shouldn't have.
But they were exhausted

from running around the bases.

We'll have three strawberry-chocolate
cream freezes, Marsha.

Poison's healthier.

You know what our problem is?

We're playing the wrong sport.

No. Look over at those guys
and tell me what you see.

I see four of the seven guys
that hit home runs off me.

Besides that.

Rich, are we going to
sit here guessing all day?

There's a simple
solution to our problems.

You cut me from the team, you
can't ever use my glove again.

I'm not going to
cut you, Potsie.

They have great uniforms.

That's why they win.

I'm not sure Casey Stengel
would go for that theory.

Ralph, they're in first
place in the Church League

'cause they look like a team.

Now, we got to get uniforms.

What's wrong with
these uniforms?

I kind of dig them.

These aren't uniforms.

These are locker room scraps.

Where are we going to get
money for uniforms, huh?

We're lucky that Reverend Harlan

gave us enough
money to buy caps.

Okay. Then we need
someone to talk with him

and convince him that we
have to look good to play good.

Why don't you go
down today, Rich?

Me?

Yeah. You're the team captain.

That's only on the field.

Look, if I go, we all go.

Okay, we'll all
go. But you talk.

But if the Rev.
Starts one of his deep

theological
discussions, I'm splitting.

Our ideas are miles apart.

Come on, Ralph.

It's true.

He's against everything
I deeply believe in.

Like what?

Like necking, drive-in movies,

girlie books, Inspiration Point,

Brigitte Bardot...

You go to church every Sunday.

Of course. I'm as
religious as the next guy.

Ralph!

So the deacon's recommended

that we have a
Monte Carlo night.

Chuck-A-Luck.

Would you like me to come out

and give you an inspirational
prayer before your game, huh?

Well, I think we're
beyond that, Rev.

You see, our record
is zero and seven.

Well, we can't win
in life always, boys.

Seven. Seven
is a... is a very...

Oh! Now, seven
is a lucky number.

If I were allowed to
have a lucky number,

it would be seven.

Well, I think what we really
need are new uniforms.

Yeah. If we look like

a team, we'll act like one.

We might even win a game.

Well, from the money we make

on our annual
Shakespeare Festival,

you'll get uniforms.

Well, we realize that, sir,

but, last year, all
we got were caps.

Well, attendance was down a bit.

But it'll be better this year.

Attendance is always down.

Now, we were
thinking that, maybe,

if we did something
besides Shakespeare...

Ah. Well, now, uh...

Boys, have you seen the
big stained glass window?

Sure.

And the bright shiny
bell in the tower?

Yeah. It's nice.

Yeah, yeah. Oh,
yeah. Really nice.

Now... now, do you
know who is responsible

for that big, shiny bell and
the stained glass window,

not to mention the
Thanksgiving baskets?

God?

Well, Him, too.

But they were donated
by Mrs. Stewart.

And all she asks in return

is that we remember her
dear departed husband

in the annual
Shakespeare Festival.

Now, that's not too
much to ask, is it?

No. I guess not.

Oh, by the way, we're
doing Hamlet this year.

First rehearsal is
on Tuesday night.

You boys will be
there, won't you?

Oh, yeah, sure. We'll
be there. Right, guys?

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah! I win!

In the spiritual
sense, of course.

♪ Sha-la-la-la... ♪

We're having dessert in
the living room, for a change.

Bring your plates.

Who are they going
to get to play Hamlet?

Don't tell me that sissy Murray,

who did Charlie's Aunt.

No. His family
moved out of town.

Oh, he wasn't that bad.

If we could get a
famous movie star

to come here and do
Hamlet, that would be a sellout.

That's a terrific idea, Marion.

Would you get me
Howard Keel, please?

Howard, I'm serious.

I remember, during the war,
there was a war bond rally,

and Mickey Rooney showed up,

and he helped them
make thousands of dollars.

You remember, Howard?

I sure do.

It's the last time I felt tall.

Maybe you could get that
agent friend of yours to help.

What agent friend?

Well, that fellow that
you knew in the war.

You mean Monty Miller?

Marion, we weren't
exactly friends.

Well, you said you knew him.

Well, briefly.

I was being shipped
back to the States,

and he was being
shipped to North Africa,

and we bumped each other on
the gangplank of the troop ship

and I knocked his
canteen into the water.

So I gave him my canteen.

I said, "Here, soldier,
take my canteen."

But he gave you his card,
and he said look him up.

I guess I could give it a try.

And don't sell your
father short, Richard.

That man owes him one.

Try to get Olivier.

But that was a long
time ago, Marion.

He wouldn't remember me.

Howard, when you're
going to North Africa,

you don't forget a G.I.
who gave you his canteen.

Denise? Listen, sweetheart.

If Jeff Chandler calls,
will you put him on hold?

Jeff Chandler?

Well, I call him Ira.
That's his real name.

Oh, yeah, we handle
a lot of the biggies.

Hopalong Cassidy,
Tex Ritter, Dick Contino.

You see, my office books

all the big Midwest
state fairs and rodeos.

Well... Oh, excuse
me just a minute.

Hello. Oh, yeah, Huntz.

Huntz Hall.

Yes. No, nothing for
you yet, sweetheart.

Well, come on, Huntz.
It's only Tuesday.

Give me a break.

Don't worry, we'll
get something.

Okay. Listen, have
a nice weekend.

Yeah?

See, we're not... we're
not going to do a rodeo.

We're doing Hamlet.

Hamlet. Yes, sir.

Say no more.

Allen Funt.

Allen Funt?

Big draw. Looks
fantastic in tights.

We were thinking of someone

like Laurence
Olivier for the lead.

He already knows the lines.

Olivier.

Olivier. "O" s... Olivier.

"O"s. "O," "O,"
"O"... Oh, Larry!

Larry. Oh, well, Larry,

he doesn't book
out of this office.

The man just doesn't
want to do rodeos.

Well, do you have
any other famous stars?

Okay.

Off the top of my head.

Let's see.

You ready?

Buffalo Bob Smith.

Howdy Doody's Buffalo Bob?

Uh-huh.

As Hamlet?

I don't think so.

Oh, come on! He
could make you cry.

If he were in this
room right now,

you three would
literally be in tears.

Yeah, but we were thinking of...

Okay, if you want to pass on
Buffalo Bob, just say "pass."

Pass. Pass. Pass.

Pass. Too bad.

Clarabell. Hamlet with a horn.

It's never been done.

Pass.

Pass. Pass again. Okay.

Don't do that, kid.

Well, I got to tell you.

If you could tell me how
much money you got to spend,

I can tell you who I can get.

Well, we're... we're
hoping to make about $500.

How much?

Almost 500.

How did you guys get in here?

Who sent you here?

Howard Cunningham.

Cunningham?

Cunningham. "C" s.

"C" s...

Oh, no. See, he...
he's my father.

You met him on the gangplank

of a ship in World War II.

You dropped your canteen,
and he handed you his,

and you gave him your card.

See?

Oh, he... he kept the card.

I threw away the canteen.

Does he want it back?

Well, I don't think so,

but he thought you
might be able to help us.

I'd love to help you, kid.

Really, I'd love
to help all of you.

It's just that I'm... I'm
sincerely too darn busy.

I'm very sorry.

Denise, any calls?

Nothing, Monty.

Okay. All right. So we don't
have a big star to play Hamlet.

Who's a big name around here?

We need to get somebody

who could really fill
up that auditorium.

Yeah. We need somebody

who attracts a lot
of people, you know?

Yeah.

Fonzie.

Hamlet was never that cool.

Listen, guys. I don't
think Fonzie can act.

So, if he starts to bomb, he
can always show his tattoo.

Yeah. Hey, Fonz, can
we see you for a sec?

I don't usually
make house calls.

What is it?

We wanted to
talk to you, Fonzie.

Yeah, well, make it snappy.

See, Charmaine gets jittery

if I'm away too long, huh?

Right. Would you like
to have a root beer?

I'll buy.

Hey, Cunningham broke his
little piggy bank open, huh?

Uh, one root beer!

Listen, Fonzie... Yeah?

Did you ever think about
trying to be an actor?

Never.

You should. You
remind me of Cary Grant.

Hey! James Dean.

A little closer.

Marlon Brando.

Hey! Now you're talking.

Yeah, you both got
that star quality, Fonz.

"Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...

I coulda been a contender."

That's great.

Hey, that's nothing, huh?

I saw Sammy Davis Jr. do
that on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Listen, Fonzie, Brando was going

to do our church play for us.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, but, uh...
we're doing Hamlet,

and we'd rather get
you to do the lead...

replacing Brando.

Come on, Fonz.
It's for a good cause.

Hey, let's just knock
off the snow job.

I ain't doing no acting, huh?

It'll add dimension to
your character, Fonz.

You could be on the
cover of Photoplay.

Fonzie, girls love actors.

Is that so?

Hey, girls, come here.

All right.

These guys want me to
act in some kind of play.

What do you think about that?

Huh? You're right.

All right, now, this play here.

Has it got a chick in it,

or is it all boys
like Boys Town?

No, no. There's
plenty of parts for girls.

Yeah? All right, who
wants the big girl's part?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

We got to do this
fair and square here.

First girl on the back
of my motorcycle gets it.

Hey!

So you'll do it?

Sure. There's just one question.

Who's Hamlet?

Your attention, please.

Allow me to introduce

our church's generous
benefactor, Mrs. Stewart.

She will be playing Ofelia,

and I, with His
help, will direct.

Well, what do you say we begin?

Uh, first of all, everyone
who's trying out for the part

of Hamlet, take a step forward.

Oh, a redheaded Hamlet. Hmm!

With freckles, how nice.

No, no, it's not me.

I-I just brought this list up.

It's all the parts that
we sort of decided on.

Oh, well, I'm sure whomever
you selected will be perfect.

Now let's see, um...

who is Mr. Fronza Telly?

Hey, hey, hey.

That's, uh... Fonzarelli.

Oh.

A hood Hamlet?

Uh, young man, we're
here to do Hamlet,

not The Blackboard
Jungle. Sorry.

You oughta get this Rev straight

because Charmaine
ain't gonna be happy,

and if Charmaine ain't happy,
I ain't happy. You get my drift?

I get your drift. All right.

Reverend, can I speak
to you for a minute?

Oh, yes.

I... I already promised
Fonzie the part.

Well, you shouldn't
have. He's not right for it.

Well, he has his
heart set on it.

Well, we all have to learn
to take life's disappointments.

Well, Reverend...

Fonzie is the only
person in the whole parish

who can fill this auditorium.

We'll have enough
money to get our uniforms,

and some left over
to give to the church.

Some-Some more for the church?

Well, he could be a
very interesting Hamlet.

Um, um... Mr. Fonzarelli,
welcome to our company.

Hey.

I don't know that much
about Hamlet, Fonzie.

But I'll teach you
everything I know.

Go. All right.

So you're going to play
the Melancholy Dane, huh?

Hey, wait a minute, I
don't play animals. Fonzie.

It's gonna be an
interesting evening.

Listen, Fonzie,

"Melancholy Dane" is just a
nickname for Hamlet, that's all.

Yeah?

I knew that.

All right, what's
this guy's story?

Okay, the play starts off
with Hamlet being visited

by the ghost of his
dead father, the king.

Oh, it's a horror show. Like The
Invasion of the Body Snatchers?

No, no, uh...

the father's ghost tells Hamlet

that he was
murdered by his uncle,

who then married his mother
and became king in his place.

Then they catch him and
they give him the chair.

No, no, you kill him
later on in the play.

I like that.

It's me.

♪ Ooh, baby, baby,
ba-ba-ba-ba... ♪

Hey, Rich, are
my seams straight?

Yeah, but your legs are crooked.

Funny, Rich.

Okay, how do I look?

Like a redheaded
Gorgeous George.

Well, at least my
seams are straight.

Hey, Rev. Excuse me.

You're late!

Hey, I was just
checking out the house.

You'd better get into this. It's
only five minutes to curtain time.

Are you kidding? I
ain't playing Tinkerbell.

Oh, no, you don't understand.

This is Hamlet's costume.

That's right. These
are Hamlet's long johns,

and I ain't wearing them
'cause they ain't cool.

Oh, come on, Fonz.
We're all wearing them.

Oh, well, that's
exactly my point.

I don't have to
dress like you nerds.

I've got a rep to protect.

Two minutes to curtain time.

Come on, Fonz.
Do it for the team!

It's for the uniforms.

At least wear the cape, Fonzie.

All right, all right. The
cape, the cape alone.

I'm not going to
wear any tights.

There are girls out there. I
don't want 'em getting crazy.

This is a serious play.
Hey, where's my sword?

All right.

Thy best grace
suspendth thy will.

But now, my cousin
Hamlet and my son...

Hey, is there something funny?

All right, now where were
we, huh? Where were we?

A little more than...

All right, I'll get it.
I'll get it, I'll get it.

A little more than kin and...

A little more than
kin and less than kind.

Huh?

A little more than
kin and less than kind.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

A little more
than kin and, uh...

what he said.

And they in France...

of the best rank and station,

are most select
and generous in that.

Neither a borrower
or a lender be.

For loan oft loses
both itself and friend.

Will you get a grip, Ralph?

And borrowing dulls
the edge of husbandry...

And this, above all...

to thine own self be true.

Wake up, Howard, this
is Richard's big speech.

After the day...

thou canst not be
false to any man.

That's very good.

Wait, there's more.

Farewell, my blessing season...

thee is thee.

Hamlet... Hamlet.

Yeah, Ofelia, get thee to
a nunnery and good-bye.

Hey, handmaid, not you.
Not so fast. Come here.

Atta boy! Fonzie!

Everybody get
ready for the next act.

How do you think it's going?

Oh, let's just say
it's very interesting.

I have to go serve the lemonade.

You should serve him
black coffee to wake him up.

Yeah, Fonz is really goofing up.

He can't even
remember his lines.

I wouldn't say that to
his face if I were you.

Face it, guys, he's the worst.

And I'd be the
first one to tell him.

Hey... You were so good, Fonzie.

Hey!

What do you think, Cunningham?

I-I think you're doing
your best, Fonzie.

Let me ask you a question
about this Shakespeare. Uh...

Why don't they speak in English?

Oh, it is English,
but it's old English.

Why don't they talk in new
English? I don't understand this stuff.

I mean, like, "to be or
not to be." What's that?

Oh, well, see, that's
the part where Hamlet

is contemplating
killing himself.

No kidding? No.

You know, sometimes this
Shakespeare guy really...

is really with it, isn't he?

Yeah, he is. Yeah.

You know, Hamlet's got it
knocked, compared to me.

What do you mean?

Well, my old man took off
when I was 12 years old.

I haven't seen him since.

At least Hamlet's father
drops in every once in a while.

Oh, yeah, but Hamlet's
father is a ghost.

Hey, a see-through father
is better than none at all.

I never knew your
father wasn't around.

Yeah.

You know, I, uh...

thought a couple of
times about whether I...

I wanted to be or not.

You did?

Yeah.

You think a lot of
people think about that

"to be or not to be" stuff?

I don't know, Fonz. Maybe.

Right.

Onstage, everybody. Good luck.

Whether it is nobler in the mind

to suffer the
slings and arrows...

Wait a minute.

Will you wake up?

This is important stuff here.

I mean, let me tell
you what's happening.

Hamlet... that's me... is
thinking about taking the big dive.

Can you dig it?

I mean, he starts
thinking about,

uh, you know, how things are,

figures that things
aren't so good,

so he says why not cash
in his own chips, you know?

I mean, kick his own bucket?

Well, a lot of us
don't have it so good

and start thinking like that.

Let me tell you something.

Being here is a lot
better than not being.

I mean, like you people.

You come here to watch
your kids 'cause you got to,

but it's important
to them, you know?

I mean, they work hard.

You being here
makes it nice for them.

So, if the question
ever comes up,

just think about
what Fonzie says:

You better dig what you got now

'cause you ain't
gonna have it forever.

Layrdes, Layrdes, Layrdes!

Laertes!

I can't get that name.

Come at me with your violence.

Let's have at you now.

Hold it!

We didn't do this in rehearsal.

Hey, I always wear
this when I rumble.

All right, give me your head,

your side! I got it!

Take that!

Fantastic. Hey, thanks, yeah.

Great, thank you.

Uh, Fonzie... Hey, Mr. C.

Look, I-I don't know
exactly how to tell you this,

but, uh, you, uh... Well, uh...

You trying to tell
me that I did all right?

Yes, Fonzie, that's exactly
what I'm trying to tell you.

You were very cool.

Hey, thanks, Mr. C.

I'll tell you something,
this acting jazz is all right,

you know, but I think I'm
gonna stick with engines.

Well...

You were... king, King.

Thanks, Mr. C.

Thank you, Reverend.

It worked. I don't know
how, but it worked.

Yeah. It always works.

Oh, it was just wonderful!

So wonderful. Thank you. Thanks.

Watch it there, Joanie.

Well, I'd better get going.

I'll see you back at the house.

Okay, have a good
time. Thanks for coming.

It's so exciting. You
know, I'm not so sure

that Shakespeare would
appreciate it, but I liked it.

Although I'm scared to admit

that Fonzie helped
me to like Shakespeare.

How'd you do, sluggers?

Aw, we blew it, 15 to two.

How many in a row?

Ten.

Look, don't feel so bad, Rich.

Remember what
it said in the play?

"All the world's a stage
and we are merely players."

"All the world's a stage
and we are merely players."

That's deep.

I think I'm gonna write
that on the bathroom wall.

It'll be a step up from
"Monroe High sucks eggs."

Yeah, a little culture
never hurt anybody.

Hey, come on, Ralph,
play catch. Hey, Ralph!

Come on. Let's
go! Okay, let's go!

♪ Sunday, Monday, happy days ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
happy days ♪

♪ Thursday, Friday, happy days ♪

♪ Saturday, what a day ♪

♪ Rocking all week with you ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ These are such happy days! ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine,
good-bye, rain ♪

♪ She's wearing my
school ring on her chain ♪

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man ♪

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Won't you be mine? ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ This day is ours ♪

♪ Oh, please be mine ♪
♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ These happy days
are yours and mine ♪

♪ These happy days are
yours and mine, Happy Days! ♪