Happy Days (1974–1984): Season 1, Episode 5 - Hardware Jungle - full transcript

(Bill Haley and the Comets) ♪ One,
two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock

♪ Five, six, seven
o'clock, eight o'clock rock

♪ Nine, ten, eleven
o'clock, twelve o'clock rock

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ Put your glad
rags on, join me, hon

♪ We'll have some fun
when the clock strikes one

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

♪ When the clock
strikes two, three, and four

♪ If the band slows
down, we'll yell for more



♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

(guitar solo)

♪ When the chimes
ring five, six, and seven

♪ We'll be right
in seventh heaven

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight

♪ When the clock strikes
twelve, we'll cool off then

♪ Start a-rockin'
'round the clock again

♪ We're gonna rock
around the clock tonight

♪ We're gonna rock,
rock, rock till broad daylight

♪ We're gonna rock, gonna
rock around the clock tonight ♪



(Johnny Ray) ♪ If
your heartaches seem to

♪ Hang around too long

♪ And your blues
♪ Keep getting bluer...

OK, here she comes.

Here goes. Watch Moose.

♪ ...go right on,
baby, and cry ♪

(laughing)

Hey, Potsie.

Yeah?

Two for flinching.

Wipe.

Kid stuff.

Hey, Ralph.

Kid stuff.

Heard your tadpole
died today in biology.

Yeah. Rock Weenspen
was trying to teach it to hop,

and he dropped it.

Hey, fellas. Hey, Rich.

Hey, Rich.

Oh, listen, I'll have, uh...

Rich, guess who I'm taking
to the rock 'n' roll show.

Who? It's a tossup
between Godzilla

and Rex, the wonder horse.

Ha ha. Well, I just
invited Gloria Hofstetter.

That's great, Potsie. Hey, how'd
you ever get a date with Gloria?

Last time she went out
with you was for a fire drill.

It's a snap when you
have a friend like Rich.

See, Rich is going
steady with Arlene,

and Arlene's
Gloria's best friend.

I told her we'd
double and, uh...

There's only one problem -

I might not be
taking Arlene now.

Rich, don't tell me that.

I couldn't get tickets.
They were all sold out.

Oh, listen, I'd like
to have a, uh...

Man, some friend you are!

It would have been
an all-star lineup -

Chuck Berry, the Mello-Kings,

Gloria Hofstetter and me.

It's not my fault.

I heard Fonzie has two
tickets he's trying to sell.

Hey, crazy! Where
is he? The garage?

No, he said he had something
good to write on the bathroom wall.

Come on, Rich.

(Ralph) Hey!

First dibs if it's
a phone number.

(Potsie) Hey, Fonz.
Hey, that's crazy.

Yeah. Hey, we heard
you had some tickets

to the rock 'n' roll show.

Yeah. Oh, that's fantastic.

But I already sold
them to Iggy Wilson.

Hey, Rich, we're buddies.

I'll see what I can do
about getting another pair.

I dig doin' the impossible.

Great! How much? Six bucks.

Oh, six bucks.

I don't know if I can
raise that kind of money.

Well, like Doris Day
says, "Que sera sera."

Hey, ducktail ain't
for you, Kovett.

Ha-ha-ha!

I guess I'm gonna have to
ask my father for the money.

Ah, no sweat.

Just tell him it's
the biggest bash

ever staged in this town.

There'll be
dancin' in the aisles

and a million classy
chicks - it'll be a blast!

You're right. Better tell
him you need it for school.

Well, you're home early, dear.

Don't come too close,
Marion. I may be contagious.

You're having another
one of your sore throats?

Who else's sore
throat would I have?

I knew it last night. You
were gargling in your sleep.

I'll get you
something to fix that.

Honey will make you feel better.

I read in Collier's that
the ancient Egyptians

used honey as medicine.

And how many ancient Egyptians
do you see around today, huh?

Come on now. Choo,
choo, choo, choo.

What are you doing, Marion?

Joanie always takes
her medicine with a train.

I am not Joanie. I'm
a fully grown man,

perfectly capable of opening my
mouth without, "Choo, choo, choo, choo."

Come on. Now open.

I don't want to.

Howard! Open.

Mmm.

Now don't swallow.
Don't swallow.

Tilt your head back and let
the honey coat your throat.

Now stay there.
I'll be right back.

Something wrong
with the ceiling, Dad?

No. I have a sore throat,

and I was just holding
some honey on it.

I had an uncle who could
hold five walnuts in his mouth.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know, but he
never had a sore throat.

Potsie, if you don't mind,

I'm really not up to hearing
about your family problems.

Yeah, um, well,
I better get goin'.

Hope you feel better, Mr. C.

Good luck, Rich.

Yeah, thanks.

You want something, Richard?

Oh, what makes
you say that, Dad?

Potsie wished you luck.

Now, what is it you need from me

that requires luck, huh?

Well, um... Would
you like some honey?

Oh, no. N-No, thanks.

Um, you see, Dad, I
have this date tonight.

Mm-hmm.

And, um... What are
you doing, Marion?

When I was a little girl
and had a sore throat,

my Grandma Bruner would
put a wool sock around my neck

and give me brandy
and warm water.

You know, I knew
your grandmother

was a very strange lady,

but I did not know
she was also a lush.

Why don't you go
upstairs and rest,

and I'll fix the
brandy and water.

Yeah, I feel like hitting
the hay a little early.

Oh, Dad... Oh, Richard,
I'm sorry. I almost forgot.

How much do you need?

Oh, well, uh... $6.

How much?

You can consider it an advance

on my allowance.

Oh, I will. Let me see now.

This brings your advance
up to around the year 1959.

Thanks, Dad. I'll be
home for dinner, Mom.

All right, dear.

Look, honey, would you
make that a double brandy?

One to forget my sore throat

and one to forget this
sock around my neck.

(whistling)

Uh, Fonzie? Richie?

Yeah. Hey, listen, could
I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

I got the money.

I got the tickets.

Oh, great!

Oh, when I told Arlene we were
going, she was really excited.

Yeah, that's nice.

Uh, listen, could we
finish our business?

Oh, sure, sure.
There you go. Whoo!

You should've seen
her face when I told her.

I mean, she was really
happy about the whole thing.

Hey, Rich, this is a rush job.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well,
listen, thanks again.

Yeah.

Oh, this is terrific.

Hey, congratulations.

Hot to trot, huh?

♪ Doo doo do-doo doo-da-doo... ♪

What are you doin'?

Dr. McKay's in there with Daddy.

What's happening?

Dr. McKay's asking Dad why
he has a sock around his neck.

Now Dr. McKay's laughing.

Look, I refuse to
go to the hospital.

There's nothing to get
upset about, Howard.

Lots of people
have their tonsils out.

(Richie) Dad, you
goi" to the hospital?

Not necessarily.

I can get you into the
hospital tomorrow morning,

and you'll have your tonsils
out by six that afternoon.

Even the laundry can't
give you that kind of service

on your shirts.

You think about it and leave
a message with my nurse.

I've got a case of
croup down the block.

I can't wait to tell them about
that sock around your neck.

It always worked
for Grandma Bruner.

Now, look, Marion, we just
can't rush into things like this.

There's-There's
a lot to consider.

I mean, who's gonna take
care of the hardware store?

You know Mr. Fenster's
on vacation.

You could call Chuck.

He's got an out-of-town
basketball game.

Then I'm sure
Richard wouldn't mind

keeping an eye on it for
the day. Right, Richard?

This Saturday?

Yes.

I hate to close up on Saturday.
It's usually my busiest day.

Last week, I was
there till 9:00.

9:00 at night?

Did you have plans, dear?

No. No, I-I can
take care of it, Dad.

If you're sick, I
wanna help out.

See, there's nothing
to worry about.

Richard can be the man
of the family on Saturday.

But there's something I have
to take care of at Arnold's.

♪ Standin' on the corner,
watchin' all the girls go by ♪

I got another one. Here.

But, lady, I'm not
quite in the elevator yet.

Wait, I got one, too. Mama,
you made my ponytail too tight.

Hey, I got more, I got more.
Watch out for the revolving door.

What reeving door-door-door?

One more. What's
this? What's this?

A butterfly with the hiccups.

Right. One more, one more.

Hey, Ralph, have you
seen Fonzie around?

Yeah. Where is he?

Pull it out, pull it out.

Come on, where's Fonzie?

He's over having
his picture made.

Thanks. Ralph's
gotta be a card, right?

See, I'm funny, I'm funny.

Don't you knock before
you come into a man's office?

I'm sorry to bother you,

but listen, about
these tickets...

It's OK. You don't have
to keep on thankin' me.

I know, but I was wondering
if I could get a refund.

A refund? I ain't no
department store.

Something came up. I
hate to disappoint Arlene.

Yeah, and I hate
to give back money.

My father got
sick, and I can't go.

I promise I won't
bother you anymore.

I hope you know how much

you're upsetting my finances,

not to mention Debbie here.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, Debbie.

Thanks a million.

Yeah.

(whistles)

Don't you got any
manners at all?

Gee, didn't I say thanks?

You left the door
to my office open.

Oh.

Marion, I'm only going to
the hospital for a few days.

I'm not taking a
two-week cruise.

It's good to have extra
clothes, just in case.

Of course. After all, they might decide to
have a dance in the intensive-care ward.

Oh...

Hey, Dad! You're going to
the hospital pretty soon, huh?

That's right, Joanie.
You going to miss me?

No.

Oh.

Dad, you're only gonna
be gone a little while.

Are you scared?

Well, maybe a little bit.

There's nothing
to be scared about.

The operation's no sweat.

All they do is stick you in this
little room and rip out your throat.

Uh, Marion, have
you seen my coat?

Oh.

But afterwards, you get to eat
as much ice cream as you want.

Well, that's nice.

But if you eat any,
you usually throw up.

Then your throat kills you.

Uh, look, sweetheart,

wouldn't you like to go outside and
play with your Hula-Hoop for a while?

OK. Bye, Dad.

Goodbye.

Good luck.

She said that like I was
flying a mission over Tokyo.

Would you like to come here
and help me with this, dear?

I got everything but The
Saturday Evening Post.

Oh. Thank you, Richard.

You see, your mother wanted
to pack it, and I wanted to wear it,

so we decided to compromise.

Oh, Howard.

Are you coming with us, dear?

Well, I was just gonna
make a phone call,

but I can do it at the hospital.

I gotta break a date. What date?

I was gonna take Arlene to
the rock 'n' roll show tonight.

Another cultural evening.

Why are you breaking it?

'Cause I have to work tonight.

Dad, you said you
usually stay at the store

until 9:00 on Saturdays.

That's your dad.
He likes to stay late.

Does he have to miss
the show, Howard?

You can close the store at 5:00.

Oh, that's great! That's awful.

That's a very good
impersonation of Jekyll and Hyde.

I'll wait in the car.

Marion, did you pack my socks?

What's the matter, Richard?

I gave my tickets
back to Fonzie.

Well, just ask Fonzie
to give them back to you.

That's sorta like asking
Khrushchev to give back Poland.

OK, thanks a lot. Bye.

You can't get ahold
of Fonzie, huh?

I called Arnold's,
Otto's Auto Orphanage,

Fat Melba's Burger Town.

He's probably sold the
tickets by now, anyway.

Marion, you forgot
to pack my drawstring.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I think Joanie used it
to play Cat's Cradle.

I may have an extra.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Egan.

That's very kind of you.

Oh, yes.

So, you're, uh, only gonna
be with us for a few days?

Yes, just a minor
operation - tonsils.

I had a brother-in-law
had his tonsils out.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, he was layin' in bed
after the operation and...

bingo.

Bingo? What bingo?

His number came up.

But at least he
went in his sleep.

How terrible.

He was a young man,
too. Younger than you.

He loved fried foods.

I love fried foods.

Oh, Howard, there is
nothing to worry about.

Yeah, that's right.

Your number comes
up, it doesn't pay to worry.

Had a cousin with
gallstones - bingo.

Another bingo.

Then one day, I remember...

If you don't mind, I'd really
rather not hear about it.

Oh, all right.

Just trying to
make conversation.

Look, you two better go if Richie's
gonna open the store on time.

If there's anything
you want, just call.

I will.

Take it easy, Dad. Yeah, I will.

And don't worry.
Your mother's right.

Everything's gonna be fine.

(Mr. Egan) I don't know...

but I'm not sayin' a word.

Hey, Rich, I found him.

Oh, Fonzie. Gee,
am I glad to see you.

Yeah, sure, you're glad,

but Debbie ain't so glad
sittin' in that phone booth.

I'll apologize to Debbie.

I hear you wanna play
musical chairs with these tickets.

I'd like to buy 'em back.
It's really important.

Arlene has her
heart set on going.

And Gloria won't go
if Arlene doesn't go.

And Arlene told me...

Hey, hey, I don't
need true confessions.

I already sold the tickets.

But... I happen to
have another pair.

Hey, we're all set!

That's terrific! How
can I ever repay you?

Well, you could start
by givin' me the money.

Oh, yeah, well, sure.

OK, $6. Great.

Hey, that's rough, Rich.

Now you don't have
popcorn money.

Never let it be said

that Fonzie interfered
with puppy love. Hey!

Arlene's really gonna
be happy about this.

Yeah, so will Gloria.

Hey, me and dear
Abby spend our time

makin' little hearts glad.

Fonzie.

OK, the all-purpose oil,
the flashlight batteries,

and the portable radio.

It's amazing how small they
can make a radio these days.

Well, that's progress.
Will that be all?

I think that's all you need.

How do you know?

Oh, well, I don't know. I
mean, just a lucky guess.

Well, you're right. There's no
use throwing money around.

Right. Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you. Bye, son.

Come on, Rich, let's cut.

I told the girls we'd be
there ten minutes ago.

Oh, now we're shakin'!

I just gotta lock up,

and then we are gonna see
the best show of our lives!

Look, I just gotta find
the key. There it is.

Oh, wait a minute. I
gotta turn the lights off.

Oh, Potsie... the door!

What? The door - it's locked.

Well, open it.

It's kinda tough when the
keys are on the outside.

I don't understand.

You have to have
the key to unlock it,

even from the inside.
I still don't understand.

We can't get out.
That I understand.

You got a spare set of keys?

There's gotta be a spare
set around here somewhere.

I'll call my dad. He'd know.

Hey, great, great! Hurry up!

I don't want to miss
the start of the concert.

I heard that's when Chuck
Berry does his best hoppin'.

(phone rings)

Well, pick it up!

Hello? Richard, where are you?

Hi, Mom. Could I talk to Dad?

Well, I'm not sure that
you should talk to him now.

He's resting.

(hoarsely) Is that
Richard? Yes, dear.

Let me talk to him.

He probably called
to see if I'm all right.

Richard, don't worry. I'm fine.

Dad, you know the
front door to the store?

Well, it's locked.

Oh, that's a good boy.

Now that you got
everything locked up,

you can go and
enjoy the rock 'n' roll.

No, see, Dad, you
don't understand...

Your father can't talk
to you now, Richard.

He suddenly
decided to take a nap.

He'll be able to talk
to you tomorrow.

Enjoy the concert.

Well?

They can't help us.

My dad's asleep, and
my mom's busy worrying.

Let's approach this logically.

How would Mickey
Spillane get out of this?

Well, go through the transom?

Nah. It seems Mickey
would try something flashier.

Mickey wouldn't
have locked himself in.

Come on, get that
ladder. We'll give it a try.

I think we can make it
through there, don't you?

It's worth trying. Let's go.

Can you get up there all right?

Sure, no problem.

I think we can
make it out all right

if I can get rid of that chain.

Uh, give me a screwdriver, OK?

Sure. Here you go, Rich.

Thanks.

Is that better?

Yeah, I gotta reach
up here a little bit...

Oh!

Hang on, Rich.

Oh, no!

OK?

Fine.

Here's your keys.

I don't even believe this.

Look, we can still make
it in time for the show.

We'll miss a little of Chuck
Berry, but... I can't go.

Rich, this is no time
to be goody-two-shoes.

I'm not being goody-two-shoes.

But I have a responsibility
here, that's all.

Aw, what are you worried about?

Anybody who'd rob the place
is at the rock 'n' roll show.

No, I gotta call a glass man
and wait till he gets here.

Really? Yeah.

Well, we'll do it your way.

Here... take Arlene and Gloria.

Hey, thanks.

I'll try and sell your ticket and
get some of your money back.

Oh, that would be nice. Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Well, I better be goin'.

I'll let you out. Huh?

You still need the key.

Oh...

Hey, Rich, if you want
me to stay with you, I will.

Oh, no. No, there's no reason

why you and the girls
should miss it, too.

You go ahead. I got the
radio to keep me company.

Well, you're still
my best friend,

but you sure have rotten luck.

See ya.

Oh, hey, have a good time.

Thanks, Rich.

(disc jockey) ...but for all you cats
who couldn't make it to the big show,

I'll be spinning a stack of
wax to help ease the pain.

This one is dedicated to
Sue by Joe, Bob, Frank,

and the entire backfield
of Whitman High.

It's not like I was the only one

who's not going to
the rock 'n' roll show.

Uh, hello, could I speak
to Mr. Phelps, please?

I have a broken glass
that needs fixing right away.

Well, when will he be back?

Right after the
rock 'n' roll show?

Well, thanks.
I'll call back later.

(Kay Starr) ♪ will
this be my day?

♪ If you'll ever smile on me

♪ Please let it be now ♪

I'm glad you're
feeling better, dear.

The doctor says you can go
to work in a couple of days.

(hoarsely) No more,
Marion. My tongue is frozen.

Come on, one more spoonful.

The doctor says
it's good for you.

I don't want any!

And the choo-choo
isn't gonna help this time.

Did they put your
tonsils in a bottle?

They don't do that
for grown-ups, dear.

Oh, I guess that ruins
my plans for show and tell.

(tone sounds)

Oh, I think visiting
hours are over.

We'll be back to see
you this evening. OK.

Goodbye, Dad.
Goodbye, sweetheart.

Dad, can I talk to
you for a minute?

Sure. I'll cancel my cough date.

I guess Mom told you
all about last night, huh?

She mentioned it.

I appreciate what
you did, Richard.

I'm sorry about the window.

Well, that I didn't appreciate.

But you showed
real responsibility

staying in the store like
that, missing your concert,

and I respect you for it.

Well, I'm sorry I
missed the concert,

but, uh, I'm glad you're
feeling better now.

Thanks.

(tone sounds)

Look, you better get out of here

before the head nurse finds you.

Last person she
caught here after-hours

ended up on the critical list.

OK. Take care, Dad.

(door closes)

That's quite a kid I
got there, Mr. Egan.

You know what he did?

I don't wanna hear about it.

♪ Happy days ♪

♪ Hello, sunshine, goodbye, rain

♪ She's wearin' my
school ring on her chain

♪ She's my steady, I'm her man

♪ I'm gonna love her all I can

♪ This day is ours

♪ Won't you be mine?
♪ These happy days

♪ This day is ours

♪ Oh, please be
mine ♪ Oh, happy days

♪ Happy days ♪