Hannah Montana (2006–2011): Season 3, Episode 1 - He Ain't a Hottie, He's My Brother - full transcript

I've never been so happy!

- Well then prepare to be ecstatic!
- Eeep!

Aarrrgh!

I have got to stop sneaking
daddy's pork rinds before bed.

Oh...

- Miley!!
- Aarrgh!

Oh great, you're up!

You know, if you didn't have that whole
Miley-Hannah thing over me, bang zoom!

Yeah yeah! I'm shaking in my boots

Speaking of which, I can't wait to wear these
tomorrow on the Mack and Micky in the morning show

Cause this is
gonna be so awesome!



Hannah Montana and her peeps to
keep her grounded, eep I'm a peep!

Did you put extra sugar on
your sugar crunchies again?

Just a little bit, I'm so excited,
I barely slept last night

That makes 2 of us

I had a dream that you would not
believe, you were about to kiss...

I can't even say it...

Who was I about to kiss?

Jackson, blaaa!!!

Why aren't you blaaaing with me?

- Well...
- Well... is not a option

You either blaa or errr, pick one!

But... I kinda like him

Jackson lovin' freak of nature say what?

S03E01:
He Ain't A Hottie, He's My Brother



Jackson is kina cute

Lilly, that is crazy! You always
found him completely repulsive!

That's one of the things
i loved most about you

I was only doing that because of you!

Inside I was always
thinking... something else!

Hey, you wanna hear my inner thoughts?

Lilly, boing!

- Why didn't you tell me?
- I didn't tell you because I knew I'd get a... boing!

Don't you boing and walk away from me?

Get back here!

Wow! You do not
wanna go in there.

Oh come on!

Stop that!

Oliver, tell her
how ridiculous this is

Miley, can you tell the sun
not to rise in the morning?

I mean, can you tell a wave
not to crash on the shore?

You been watching soap operas again?

No, no it's... my grandma came
in town, she's visiting and...

She um...

Ok! Storm and Erica just came
out of their duel coma and I

had to find out if they remember
their passion for each other.

And they did!

Yea!

Hey, um Oliver what
are you doing tomorrow?

Are you kidding? I'm one of your peeps on
the Mack and Mickey in the morning show

Damn it, I did invite you

Oh are you lost little guy? Huh?

Let's go find your mommy, yes we will

- Hey everybody
- Hi

Lilly, please, Lord Voldermort would look
cute with the puppy, snap out of it!

You know this is all your fault anyway,
you're the one who had that stupid dream!

I was perfectly happy
crushing in silence and

stealing hair off the brush
when no one was looking

What?

And by what, I mean ew!

Ok look, Lilly, what I think
Miley is trying to say is that:

You know everybody crushes on
someone who doesn't like them back

You just gotta suck it up,
and you gotta move on

Look I'm sorry, but getting rejected by the
entire girl softball team it stings a little bit!

Come on Oliver you didn't get
rejected by the entire softball team!

- Lilly, they hired a skywriter.
- Ooh!

Well... we don't know that
Jackson doesn't like me back

And... if you did know, he
didn't like you back, could

you move on that someone,
oh, I don't know... human?

Well I guess I have to...

- Alright, let's go talk to him
- What?

No no no no no!
That's a terrible idea!

You know there are certain things
in life a girl just have to do alone

You go talk to him and
tell me what he says

Ok fine but don't get your hopes up

For he to like you back he would have
to have taste depth and intelligence

We're talking about a guy who
once ate the farmer's jam jar.

Robby Stewart?

That would be me. Hey first,
tell me what you think of this. ?

I'm super cute super hot

I'm the girl you like a lot

I'm super, super girl

I'm super, super girl

What do you think?

I think you're super super weird.

The gardener loved it!

Hey Mile, I got your information for
the Mack and Mickey show tomorrow.

Limo's picking you up by seven.

Have you seen Jackson? I need to find him
and tell him that Lilly's crushing on him.

She is? Well I just
think that's adorable!

Am I the only one that
remembers the jam jar?

Come on Mile, what's so weird
about Lilly liking your brother?

Does puppy pee stain?

Asked, and answered

I swear, with me as an example, i
just don't see how he turned out so

I'm super cute super hot
I'm the girl you like a lot

I'm super, super girl
I'm super, super girl

Yeah! It's catchy!

- Hey Jackson ??
- Hold on, just a sec.

Dang flab it! This is why i
don't change my shirt everyday!

What does that girl see in you?

What girl? There's a girl? Is
she cute? Average, below average?

I'm not desperate, it's just
I- you know, it's been a while.

It's I- you're not
going to believe this ??

It's Lilly!

She's crushing on you.

- Lilly?
- I know! I don't get it either!

She's like a sister.

Y'know, sort of like you, except without
the enormous ego and hint of a girl stach.

It's peach fuzz, it's cute, and it's
not what we're talking about here.

Ok, so can you just tell me
that you don't think about

her that way, and Lilly and
I can go back to being normal,

And you can go back to doing what you do best.
Being a disgrace to the Stewart family name.

Fine. I don't think
about Lilly that way.

Great! I'll go tell her.

Huh?

I-huh what?

I'm starting to think
about Lilly that way.

No! No, no, no! Wrong way,
go back! Beep, beep, beep!

Wait. She's cute, she's smart
she's not a kid anymore...

Jackson likey.

And Miley pukey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I
gotta' groom for my new lady.

Aargh!

Who gave that dog asparagus?

Omm, it doesn't matter if he likes me.

Omm, whatever happens if for the best.

Omm, I could always get a cat

- Lilly?
- Omm, cute little kitty from the pound.

- Lilly!
- Aargh!

Omm, now we're even for the bed thing.

What did he say? Tell me everything!

- Ok, he
- No, just tell me if he likes me.

- Ok, he
- No, start at the beginning ??

- Ok, he
- No, forget this, just skip to the end!

- Will you make up your mind?
- I can't, you pick.

Ok

I can't believe I'm actually
going to say this but, he um ??

Oh my gosh, he does like me!

This is going to change
everything! Can't you just see it?

No!

No, see it's right up there, see?

- This is so good!
- So good!

- You are so cute!
- You are so cute!

I love you!

Oh, thank-you.

What'd he say? I want his exact
words so I can put them in my diary.

Ok, he's exact words were ??

Never gonna' happen.

Really?

I'm sorry Lilly.

It's ok.

It's not like it's your fault!

Lilly

Listen, we don't need guys to have fun. We're
gonna' have fun on the Mack and Mickey show, right?

Yeah, you're right. We
are going to have fun.

You, me, Oliver

And Jackson!

Ok, listen, I know it hurts now,
but it really is for the best!

Hey Lilly.

What is up with her?

I had to tell her, that, um ??
Jackson doesn't like her back.

Oh man, that's rough.

You know Erica had the same reaction
when Storm left her for evil twin cousin.

Grandma never saw it coming.

But I knew!

Hey Miles, where's Lilly? The lucky
winner of the Jackson love lotto.

What? But you just said that ow!

Split end, ladies hate that.

Um... turns out I was
wrong, she doesn't like you.

She doesn't?

You just told her that ow!

- Why do you keep doing that?
- That... That was the other end!

Because it was split, you see?

It actually turns out that

When she said she likes Jackson, she
meant she likes president Andrew Jackson.

I mean come on, who doesn't?

So she doesn't like me?

No.

When she heard
that I thought she meant

- you, she laughed so hard ??
- She laughed?

Not really a laugh, it was
more like a little giggle,

Little titter, you know
like 'he he he', but less.

I get it.

Come on Jackson, it's not
like you cared anywayz.

You're right, I didn't.

I mean, I was just trying to be nice,
because that's totally the kinda guy I am.

It's gonna take a lot more than a rejection
from a soft girl to get this guy down. ?

You deserve love,
you're an awesome dude.

You deserve love!

What did you do?

Hey Jackson!

I deserve love, I am an awesome dude!

Okey dokey ??

Hey Mile!

I did the right thing, ok!

Now a good daddy would go up there
and try and figure out what's going on.

But a smart daddy would
give them a chance to work

it out for themselves while
he ate a piece of pizza.

Robby Stewart smart daddy.

Hot, hot, hot!

Let's get crazy!

Get up and dance, take
a swing, do your thing

It??s worth taking a chance

Let's get crazy!

Wow! Isn't she wonderful!

Give it up for Hannah Savanna!

Oh, are you from Savanna,
is that how you got the name?

Oh, Mack, don't be silly,
it's Montana!

Yeah, and I'm from Tennessee.

Oh, sorry, I was never
good at geometry anyway.

It's a good thing
I'm easy on the eyes!

So Hannah. We've heard so many things
about pop stars who lost their way.

- It's really sad, but I've been really fortunate to ??
- You know who else lost their way our producer Richie

- Driving in this morning!
- He did! He did!

Hey Richie, two words for you, GPS!

They talk to you now, like a
wife, but you can unplug it!

And uh, you can't unplug a wife!

You can't unplug a wife! She
said you can't unplug a wife!

Very funny, that's funny

So I think what Hannah was
trying to say is that she

surrounds herself with good
friends who help keep her grounded.

I used to have good friends.
But I was just too good looking.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

So Hannah, why don't we bring out some
of these wonderful friends of yours?

I think you're gonna' love them just
as much as I do. Come on out, guys!

- Bring em' out!
- Oh yes!

Welcome, welcome welcome

Thank-you guys! This is um... Mike Stanley,
Lola Lovelagle, and Jackson Stewart.

Oh.

Oh, I sense a little bit of
tension in the pop star's posse.

Tension? What tension?
There's no tension

No, that's just a little
thing we do. We like hey Lola

Hey Jackson

That's right. It's... that's how we roll.

Yo H-Dog!

Thank-you Mike.
Thank-you for the help.

Word.

Oh, from your mother.

It's actually to your mother.

It's to your mother it's to
your mother, I never know.

Never know.

So Hannah, tell me, how did these wonderful
friends of yours help keep you grounded?

Well I think the secret is
that we all liked each other

before I was famous and
we all like each other now.

Ah.

Yeah well, we all like
Hannah, and I like Mike too.

Yeah, Mike and Hannah are great.

There's nothing about
them that's laughable.

Wait? Laughable? What
are you talking about?

- You know what you said
- What I said? You told me...

And we'll be right back.

I guess we're out.

Oh, sticky buns time.

What?

Ok Hannah, honey. You're
doing great! My kids love you.

If you ever call commercial
again, I'll... Punch you. Ok?

Could you guys please not embarrass
me in front of millions of people.

- But he/she started it!
- Zip it!

Now please, just for the next fifteen minutes, focus on
Hannah and her friends, and how much we all love each other.

Sorry. I know this is
none of your fault, so

Ill try to be nice,
because I love you, not him.

For my sister, because
none of this is her fault.

Right ??

Just remember Hannah, boop!

And we're back in 5 4

So, it sounds like you've all
known Hannah for a really long time.

Jackson, tell me, what is
about Hannah you loved the most?

Well, ar, like all friends, Hannah
and I have definitely had fights.

But when it comes down to it, i
know I can always count on her.

Because she's always,
always there for me.

Always is such, such a big word.

It is a big word. Al-ways.

Yeah, and um, you know,
if you could count on me,

almost of the time', you
could live with that. Right?

Oh but we don't have to live with
it because she never lets us down.

Never. Never. Never.

Well, see, never is kind
of like always. Big word.

And... you know what word I like better?
Is occasionally, and sometimes.

Oh but there is no sometimes with
you because you always tell the truth.

Yeah, to me too. Even if it's painful.

Yeah, because that's just
the kind of person she is.

Stop it!

Really, stop

You see, that's the
secret of real friendship.

Integrity,

Honesty,

Truth ??

Ok fine, I lied!

The truth is ??

You guys both really like each other.

What?!

What?

What?!

Who wants to hear another song?

- I do!
- Me to!

We're true friends

We'll here till the end

Oh no

You pull me aside, nobody perfect!

And live and you help me! !

Guys, come on! How many times
do I have to say that I'm sorry?

I just still can't believe
you'd lie to me like that.

We got the party with us, ah ah ah ah! ?

Sweet niblets, what
are you guys doing home?

New look, dad?

Couldn't fit me in this week!
Hair like this doesnt just happen, son.

Now, if youll excuse me, im gonna'
go upstairs and watch some football,

monster trucks, and things that
explode like boom! You know, man things!

Lilly, come on how many
times do I have to apologize?

Ok, it's a little late for apologies,
you cold hearted killer of love!

Yeah, I've never been
so disappointed in you.

And you're so cute when
you flatter your nostrils!

Oh, you like that, do you?

Wow!

Oh, uh, you got a little boogie.

I'll pick it when you're not looking.

- Oh, you're such a gentlemen.
- And you are so pretty.

You're so cute!

Do you hear yourself?

This is why I did what I did.

He'll ruin you,
I couldn't let that happen.

You couldn't let that happen? This isn't
about you! This is about how I feel!

And yeah, sure, sometimes Jackson's
gross, lazy, and maybe a little stinky ??

You so get me!

But who I date is my choice.

And if im gonna' date Jackson,
and youre really my friend, then

Youre just gonna' have to deal with it.

Youre right. And if you
want to go ahead and date ?

Jackson, its just something
that I have to live with.

It'll be ok.

- My girls!
- Oh

Oh, come on!

Well, im glad that you've
finally accepted our love.

As long as I dont have to see it.

Well then you better close your eyes.

Now come here, baby. Time to
seal this deal with a kiss.

Aargh!

Miley!

Oh, why arent you up yet? Youre supposed to help
me pick my outfit for Mack and Mickey tomorrow.

- Thats tomorrow?
- Yes

- I had the weirdest dream.
- What was it about?

You liked Jackson
and he liked you back.

And I tried to stop it,
but I was wrong, so,

If you really do like my
brother, im ok with it.

Me and Jackson? Together?

- Really?
- Yeah

Arr,
thats my girl.