Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 9, Episode 23 - Comanches Is Soft - full transcript

After some horsing around, Festus breaks some of Quint's equipment. To repair or get anew, they travel to Wichita and meet a saloon girl who tells them she needs to get away from town but her jealous boyfriend is now hot on their trail.

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Starring James
Arness as Matt Dillon.

♪♪

♪ Oh, many a year
has come and went ♪

♪ Since the Mud Creek incident ♪

♪ Hawg Haggen
drawed a mite too late ♪

♪ And Soapweed shot him twice ♪

♪ But before my grandpa died ♪

♪ He fetched me
down to his side ♪

♪ And he imparted a
heap of good advice ♪

♪ He said, Festus, don't never ♪



♪ Let a man draw first ♪

♪ He'll shoot your head ♪

♪ All full of holes and stuff ♪

♪ He said, swaller
good whiskey ♪

♪ When you've got a thirst ♪

♪ And bullies is pikers ♪

♪ If you call their bluff. ♪

Well, now.

I'd have blowed the
ears right off your head.

If you're gonna hang around
a wide-open town like Dodge,

you'd better fast up
that draw, stranger.

So that's the way
you want to play, huh?

I'm gonna turn you
every way but loose.

Morning to you, Louie.



Festus.

Morning.

Did you win the fight?

Oh, of course I did.

I was too fast for him.

That's the way it
looked to me, too.

Who was you fighting?

I never saw the
man before in my life.

Oh.

I guess you been drinking?

No, Louie, just...

kind of full of beans.

You ever feel that way?

I don't eat much.

What I mean is, uh...

like I got a wildcat
right under my hide,

just a-faunchin' and
a-bustin' to get out.

You might be
better off drinking.

Well, if I can't get
loose from this wildcat,

reckon I'll have
to turn to drinking.

Say, you wouldn't
want to wrestle

or any such a thing, would you?

Do you?

Nothing personal, but no.

Well, no hard feelings, Louie.

I'll see you directly.

Well, howdy there, Comanche.

You come in here
to get shod, Festus?

If I did, I'd want a
better class of work.

How long you gonna
be playing at that?

You call this "play," you
must have never worked.

Well, you set it in
the fire to make it hot,

and then you stick it in
the water to make it cold.

Back home, we got
young'uns that do that.

Well, uh, I'm going to
be playing around here

most of the day, so... why
don't you just run along?

Oh, come on, Comanche.

Come on what?

Now, Festus, I done
whipped you at that

about a dozen times.

Don't you think that's enough?

What's the matter with
you? You afraid, Comanche?

One time.

Just one time's all I want.

You want to give up?

I think I can hang on
just a little while longer.

All right.

Don't say I didn't
give you a chance.

Well, you'd ought to
give up when I told you to.

I suppose you're all right?

Why, there ain't a nick on me.

I just tripped a little bit.

You don't have to
help me up, neither.

I'll get up by myself.

That's just great,
Festus. That's just great.

Oh, now, Quint,

we can put that back
up again in no time flat.

If we had some of those
young'uns of yours, maybe.

They wasn't my young'uns.

They was cousins
and little uncles.

Here, let me help.

Don't you touch a thing.

Well, golly Bill...

that's a peculiar attitude.

The most least thing I
can do is help you out.

I don't need any help.

I need some new bellows.

- Nah!
- Yeah!

You mean this can't be fixed?

No, it can't be fixed.

Well, what if we was to take it

to a blacksmith someplace?

Everything was going
along just fine this morning,

till you moseyed in here.

I'm sure plumb sorry, Quint.

You're plumb
sorry, that's a fact.

That's a fact.

What are we gonna do about it?

We ain't gonna
do nothing about it.

I'm gonna go across the street

and see if Mr. Jonas
has got a bellows.

If he does, well, that's fine.

If he doesn't, well...

Well, then we'd... we'd
have to go off somewheres

and fetch one,
then, wouldn't we?

No, we wouldn't have
to go off somewheres

and fetch one; I would.

Well, I could use
a little trip myself.

B-Besides, you might
say it was part my fault.

Well, now, it was part.

Well, Quint, how far do
you figure you'll have to go

to find new bellows?

Well, Mr. Jonas tells me

I can get one in
Wichita, all right.

Might be able to
get that one fixed.

Yeah, well, you're gonna
wait for Festus, aren't you?

No, I'm, uh... gonna
go without him.

Well, he's been telling
everybody around town

that he's going with you.

Yeah, I know he has.

But I'm gonna leave
in a couple of minutes,

and he thinks I'm not
going till after dinner.

Well, he's gonna be
pretty disappointed.

Yeah.

Well, he hasn't been too
good luck for me lately.

As a matter of fact, every time
he's around me, I'm in trouble.

Say, Quint, uh...

look here, if you run into
any trouble with the law,

well, don't count on me.

- I'll deny that I know you.
- Yeah, well, thanks a lot.

I'll be all right, as
long as I'm alone.

You don't, uh, think I've been
too hard on old Festus, do you?

Oh, no, I wouldn't
worry about Festus.

I think he'll get
along all right.

Well, see you in a couple weeks.

Yeah. Good luck.

So long.

♪♪

Whoa, whoa!

Festus.

It was you fired
the shot, I suppose.

Well, of course it was.

Hurry up and untie me.

I'm about to cut my mouth off.

I ought to leave you
tied up there all day.

Near sawed my mouth off.

Yeah, well, you deserve
every rope burn you got.

You didn't miss a chuckhole
in the last ten miles.

You pretty near drowneded
me when you forded that creek.

You, uh, tie
yourself up like this?

No, I spun this a-way.

You were bound to come.

I wasn't bound to
come bounded, though.

Well...

go ahead and stomp me.

That's all there is left to do.

Guess Matt knew you were
back here all the time, huh?

Well, yeah.

We had a grin or two about it.

Pretty, uh, sneaky
doggone thing to do, I'd say.

Well, what about yourself?

Kind of like lying
to a friend, ain't it?

Kind of.

Come on, there. Hey!

I'm gonna tie you in a knot

for trying to run
off and leave me!

No, don't!

No fair choking!

Now, I quit! I quit!

I quit.

That ain't fair.

You used all them
sneaky Comanche tricks.

That's what you do.

Why don't you just... shut up?

Ain't no prettier sight I know

than a soaking-wet Comanche.

Dadgum.

Whoa!

♪♪

You get the feeling
they was expecting us?

Why don't you keep your
eye out for the emporium, huh?

No red-blooded man
could do anything else.

Whoa.

I got me an idea.

I got me a whole raft of 'em.

I'll go inside and see
if they got any bellows.

You find us a place to sleep.

To sleep?

It's been a long
ride, and I'm tired.

Ain't you?

What I am is young

and good-looking
and full of vinegar.

Sleep's a long ways down
on my list of things to do.

Pardon me, ma'am.

I'm a stranger in town,

and I was just wondering
if maybe me and you and...

your husband couldn't...

Yeah! We could!

I'm going in and, uh, check
on the bellows, good-looking.

Why don't you find
us a place to sleep?

♪♪

Well, now.

Ain't this a teensy bit better

than staying up
in that hotel room?

Well, we'll see.

We'll see.

You just go pitch
your tepee over there,

and I'll be there directly.

Give me a jar of
whiskey, would you?

Quint...

you're a country boy...

and I want to give you

just a little bit
of sage advice.

The first thing to do is
don't try to keep up with me.

Can't be done, boy.

Festus...

you've never done
anything in your life

that I can't do better.

Look at you falling
right into my trap.

You little scudder, I've
brung you along just so.

Burns, don't it?

Ain't even warm.

Well, then, you got a belly

that's made out of
rhinocera-horse hide

or something.

It's supposed to burn.

Let me give you a little advice.

Don't try to keep up with me.

Now, let me tell you something.

You maybe got a muscle
bulge or two on me,

but there ain't nothing
you can talk about,

from berry-picking plumb
on up through scalping,

that I ain't better
at than you are.

Well, suppose
we start right there.

Allow me to pour
this last little dab.

♪ Dee dum dee dum dum dum ♪

♪ Dum dee dum dum dum dee dum ♪

♪ Grandpa left me with
a heap of good advice ♪

♪ He said, Festus, whenever
you drink in a saloon ♪

♪ Don't let no weak
Comanche outdrink you ♪

♪ He said, he'll
get plumb drunk ♪

♪ On a half a tablespoon ♪

♪ Full of the weakest
kind of barley brew. ♪

Know what them is, Comanche?

Dead Indians.

You're a big man to say that.

I'm a big man whether
I say that or not.

You want I should
take these away?

She's a girl.

Yeah, I'm a girl.

I want to know, you want
I should take these away

and bring you a fresh one?

Or you want to keep the empties?

Well, whatever you
think's customary.

Okay, honey.

The time has came.

Don't you know when to give up?

I'm ready for
you this time, boy.

Come on.

You want to give up?

Uh-uh.

Now, you better not
mess in this, friend.

You're liable to get hurt.

All right! Come on,
now, break it up here!

Break it up!

Start the music over there.

Somebody get to
the player piano.

Now, break it up!

Don't you want to
dance, Comanche?

I do not.

You know something?

I could best you at
dancing if you used your feet

and I used my bare knuckles.

Go right ahead and
make a fool of yourself.

You're a wild man,
Festus Haggen!

Hey, hey! Come here!

Hey!

He's your friend, ain't he?

I am alone.

Well, let me tell you this:

If he comes around
and jostles me again,

I'll clean his plow for him.

He's gonna clean
your plow for you.

Well, couldn't you wait

till this little
revel's over with?

Just don't jostle
me again, that's all.

Describe me a jostle.

Well, you know, uh...

like that.

You mean like that?

Well, now you got it down pat.

Just don't do it
again, that's all.

'Cause if you do...

I'll clean your plow for
you, you understand?

You want to know something?

You pretty near spoiled
a nice evening for me.

Just so we
understand each other.

Oh, of course.

I understand.

What are you doing?

That man had been drinking.

Well, some folks is
sure quick to temper

in these parts, ain't they?

Hey, there's way
too much fighting

and hoo-rahing going on here.

We're gonna find a
respectable saloon.

Come on.

Morning, honey.

Oh, golly Bill.

He's still sleeping?

Who?

Him.

Honey.

Time to wake up.

I don't believe I'd
do that if I was you.

He might break.

Why? It's a bright
and beautiful day out.

There you go!

Where?

And I thought I was
gonna keep you waiting.

- Festus.
- Huh?

What's she talking about?

She remarked on
how it's a pretty day.

Well...

I'm all ready.

I believe she is.

Well, you are leaving
today, ain't you?

Allowing we live.

You didn't mean what
you said last night, did you?

Well, that depends
on what we said.

About taking me with
you to Dodge City.

Oh...

You don't even remember
what you said, do you?

You... you seemed
so anxious to help.

Well, I'm... just
kind of that way.

I'm soft-hearted like a
mama polecat, and I...

Well, it wasn't so
much you as it...

was him.

Me?

Uh-huh.

It's kind of hurtful that
you don't remember.

Help him out a little bit, Liz.

Well, I... I kind of took to
the both of you right off,

'cause you... you seemed
to be such gentlemen.

I don't get to meet gentlemen
very often, you know.

And I told you how I... I
was afraid to stay here.

And I am. I got good reason.

And you said I didn't have to.

That you had this friend,
Miss Kitty, in Dodge.

I told you about... Kitty?

Well, she couldn't have went to
work and dreamed that up, now.

You said she'd
leave me work for her.

And you'd take me there.

Seems like I recollect
you saying just that, Quint.

Well, if I told you about Kitty,

I must have told you about
the wagon we're going in.

It's full of...

With the bellows, and-and
the fittings and gills.

Uh-huh. But you-you
said we'd make do just fine.

Liz, you just ain't
gonna learn no younger.

It's pretty near
a law of the plain

that you just can't take a
Comanche's word for nothing.

Festus, I'm not in the mood...

And I'll tell you another thing.

For any of your
remarks, all right?

There's a reason
for not letting 'em

- have any firewater.
- Just keep it up, keep it up.

- Because they get to swilling...
- I'm telling you right now,

- if you don't leave me alone...
- and the first thing

you know, they've went
and busted another treaty!

I'll bust you right in the nose!

Don't get your dander up!

- Or I'll kick you! That's it!
- Festus...

All right, now you did it!

Quit, Comanche!
You're choking again!

Well, I can't tell.

Does that mean I
can go with you or not?

Yeah. Right after he
pays for the damages.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

You know, I bet you two

are the nicest fellas
in the whole world.

Well, if you're
bound to insist on it.

I never could've got
away without you.

Well, there's stages
out of Wichita, you know.

And trains, too.

Mmm.

I thought about
that lots of times.

But that would've
meant going alone, and...

well, I'm afraid I'm not
brave enough for that.

Don't it take some
kind of brave,

uh, being a saloon girl?

Mm-hmm.

But I never knew nothing else.

You make it sound like
you were born in a saloon.

Well, I don't
remember being born.

But when I was
just a little girl,

there was a man I called Daddy.

He left me in one.

You mean your pa rode
off and left you in a saloon?

He never knew much
else, either, I guess.

Well, if that ain't
a plain fright.

Oh, it wasn't so bad.

Folks was always kind to me.

I was passed from one
woman to the other for care.

But, you know, you don't
learn an awful lot from books.

And you don't stand
much in the outdoors,

or breathe the fresh air.

Don't feel this
kind of warm, or...

this kind of clean.

I guess what I'm
really trying to say is...

thank you for everything.

Well, uh...

we kind of got the
impression that you were

scared of someone
back in Wichita.

Well, he's still back there.

I'm safe here, ain't I?

Well, there's just another
saloon waiting for you in Dodge.

But that's with
your friend Kitty.

You'll be close by, and Festus.

Well, I do get into a
saloon now and again.

Maybe when I get to
Dodge, I'll get married.

Quint?

- Good morning.
- Morning.

What are you doing up?

Mmm, the birds.

Ever since it got light out,
they set up such a racket.

Yeah, well, that's the way
it is outside in the morning.

Where's Festus?

Oh, he's going to
get some firewood.

He'll be back in a minute.

What's that for?

I'm gonna go do some hunting.

Get some food.

Can I go with you?

I don't think that'd
be a good idea.

Well, it seems like it to me.

Well, you're wrong.

You really want to
leave me here alone?

Well, I really want some food.

Well, I-I know I
shouldn't stop you,

but, you know, I... I feel
safe with you around.

You do?

Well, I am safe, ain't I, Quint?

Well, of course you are.

If you don't mind
leaving me alone...

Well, Festus will
be back in a minute.

Festus ain't you.

Well, you... got a point there.

Good hunting.

Yeah.

See you later.

Good morning, Festus!

Well, you're up stirring
around, are you?

Had to.

This is about the time
I go to bed, mostly.

Did you sleep all right
in the house, did you?

Oh, fine.

But I just can't understand it,

folks going off and
deserting a home like that.

Well, uh... the prairie's
got ways of scaring folks off.

It'll blow you hot,

and then turn right
around and blow you cold.

It'll rain you afloat
and sear you dry.

Folks just get tired of that,

and they pack off and
leave places like this.

You sure know an
awful lot, Festus.

Well, I'm Haggen-wise.

That means I know
a few things, I reckon.

Where's Quint?

Well, I saw him
go off with a rifle.

Oh.

Well, you got your mouth
set for some coffee?

Oh, I just love
your coffee, Festus.

And if you loved it yesterday,

you're gonna be
wild about it today.

It's the same coffee.

It's a little stout, uh...

Just kind of bite
you back, did it?

Well, it's... it's not
watery, I'll say that.

Long about tomorrow,

we'll have to
take a knife to it.

Then it'll be real coffee.

You sure do know how to
take care of a girl, Festus.

Comes kind of
natural to me, I reckon.

You gonna take that to me?

No, not as long as you
mind your manners, I won't.

No, I'm... I'm gonna
make me a fish pole.

There's a creek down
there just a little ways.

Well...

you're not gonna go off and
leave me alone, are you, Festus?

Well, it's just a whoop
and a holler down there.

And Quint will be back directly.

Quint ain't you.

I'm kind of glad he ain't.

Me, too.

Good fishing.

Don't be too long, Festus.

Oh, I won't.

Fish just fair fly out
of the creek for me.

I just bet they do.

Well, I'll see you directly.

♪ He said, Festus, don't
take no pretty woman's word ♪

♪ Don't let her make
no silly fool of you ♪

♪ He said, the
best thing to do ♪

♪ Is to build yourself a herd ♪

♪ Then you can cull
one out if you want to. ♪

♪♪

Can I help?

Well, I'm just going
to water the horse.

Well, is it all right?

I mean, don't
somebody live there?

Well, you can go in
and ask, if you like.

I'd help you down if I
had a free hand, Liz.

Oh, I know you would, honey.

Oh, howdy. I was just gonna
go up and knock on your door.

Well, we ain't there, honey.

We're right here.

We was wondering
if we could have

a little water for our horse.

Well, it looks like
you're already at it.

We don't know you.

Well, I'm just a man whose
horse needs some water.

Well, we need it, too.

We don't just give it out.

You mean you're
asking that we pay for it?

I mean I'm asking that
you don't use it at all.

It's our'n.

Well, now, you don't mean that.

I don't?

No. You're not
all that unfriendly.

I can tell.

Well, now, looky
what we got here.

All we want's a little
water for our horse.

That's not too much
to ask, now, is it?

She belong to you?

Yeah, yeah. She's,
uh... she's with me.

Well, it looks like she
wants that water pretty bad.

Why don't you go
get in the wagon, Liz?

- Well, if you say so.
- Yeah, I-I say so.

She seems fine right here.

Get out of the way, Liz!

Please don't help, Liz!

Well, we did it.

♪♪

♪♪

Quint's sleeping
so peaceful-like.

Yeah, just like a little baby.

Are you hurting, Festus?

Nah, nah, little old scrap
like that don't faze me none.

It sure is quiet
tonight, ain't it?

Yeah, sure is.

Liz?

I'm just bound to
ask you something.

Why, honey, you can
ask me anything at all.

You got any idea

what caused that
little ruction today?

The water.

No.

Truth is, it was you smiling
so sweet at them two men.

Oh, Festus, I
only aimed to help.

Well, I know you did, but...

you're such a innocent,
trusting little old thing,

you just ain't got no idea

what them sweet
smiles does to men.

Well, I am friendly.

I don't deny that.

Well, Liz, you got to stop that.

Now, poor old Quint there
is just plumb played out.

And he ain't up to you smiling
sweet at many more men.

You're not played out, Festus.

Well, Haggens is different.

You never catch a
Haggen that ain't in the pink.

Course, most folks
knows Comanches is soft.

Well, I'll be careful.

From now on, I'll
hardly smile a smile.

And old Quint will be mighty
grateful for that, I know.

Anybody expecting company?

Well, I've come to get her.

Maybe you ought to tell
us who you're talking about.

Well, you're some
pair, ain't you?

All right, Liz, come on out.

I ain't got much time.

Well, the longer you stay there,
the longer I'm gonna whup you.

I guess you're the fella
she's been running from, huh?

Yeah.

Well, why don't you give up?

She don't want you.

Come on out, Liz.

I ain't coming with
you, Big Hardy.

Now, you know better.

Why do you try to
make out different?

I'm through doing what you say.

Now, how many times
you think she's told me that?

Why can't you get
it through your head

that she's through with you?

Now, you look about half bright.

Now, you'll spare yourself

if you'll just stand aside
and let me take her.

Well, she's afraid of you.

She'd better be.

Well, you can't have her.

You big galoot,
you'll kill them!

They can let up any time.

Liz, please don't help!

Two on one... that ain't fair!

- Don't you hurt him.
- Ow!

Quit! Quit!

Ooh...

Are you hurt?

They tried me some.

They tried me.

Now, you tried me some, too.

You always got it coming.

When I get my breath back,
I'm gonna whup you for a week.

You got to catch me first.

It sure was fun.

He don't whup me all the time.

And when he don't,
I sure do love him.

Understand?

I have to say, you're the
best she's run off with yet.

Well...

what do you say to that?

Comanches is soft.

Sure I can't give
you a hand, Quint?

Don't touch it.

Don't you touch it.

Well, you had to go all the
way to Wichita to get it, huh?

All the way.

Well, you were gone long enough.

Did you have a good time?

Oh, I had a good time.

A real good time.

How about you, Quint?

Well... back in business again.

You know, I, uh, asked
you if you had a good time.

Yeah, I heard you, Matt.

Well, answer him, Comanche.

Festus, I just want
you to go out of here

and never come back.

Oh, now, Quint...

I mean it. I'll meet
you on the street,

I'll meet you in
the Long Branch,

but I don't want you to ever
come back in here again.

Matt...

the reason he's so peeved

is because I took a pretty
little gal away from him.

And you ought to have
heard the way he took on.

- You took a girl away from me, huh?
- Just had a conniption fit.

You took a girl away from me?

Well, now maybe
I'll get the real story

about what happened in Wichita.

If I'd have shown the slightest
little interest in that girl...

The slightest little
interest at all...

It was me that backed off.

See, once I unleashed
that Haggen charm,

she'd have followed
me like a pup.

Now, if you'd
listen to me, sonny,

I could learn you a few things

- about women.
- The day you learn me about anything,

that'll be the day.

Oh, you know it all, do you?

All, yeah.

- Everything?
- Everything.

Well, what about the
Aunt George slewfoot?

The what?

The Aunt George slewfoot.

You made that up.

I did not.

What is it?

Well, you see, smart aleck?

You don't know everything.

- I never heard of it with that name.
- Just... just...

I'll show it to you.

Step right up here, put
your foot right out there.

Your right foot.

Put it right up close
to mine, like that.

Now...

Put up your arm
with your right hand.

Turn it over.

Now...

The way it starts off,
first thing we do is...

That's the same
thing we did before!

- It ain't the same thing!
- I don't want to do this again!

It's entirely different. It
starts out by kicking back...

I sure am plumb sorry, Quint.

Course, we could...

always go back to Wichita and...

pick up another one.

I mean...

the wagon's still setting
right there in front.

And it ain't all
that far to Wichita.

We... we proved that.

We've been there and back again.

See you in a couple
of weeks, Marshal.

Giddap, Blue.

♪ He said, Festus, whenever
at first you don't succeed ♪

♪ Don't start to pouting ♪

♪ Like a old Comanche squaw ♪

♪ He said, start into
rolling like a tumbleweed ♪

♪ Back down that
rocky road to Wichita. ♪