Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 9, Episode 20 - Mayblossom - full transcript
Festus's beautiful young cousin, whom he has not seen since she was a little one, arrives in Dodge to keep the pact her father made for her when she was a baby: to marry Festus.
Starring James
Arness as Matt Dillon.
Call.
Like I said, I just...
play whatever cards is dealt me.
I'd sure admire to see what
you was so proud of there.
You ever see such a
run of cards all the day?
I was just sitting here
thinking how smart I played 'em.
Yeah, well, you-you
don't seem so smart to me.
Well, now, poker's just one
of the things I'm good at, Lon.
Yeah.
Hey, wait. Wait a minute.
What's that thingamabob there?
Well, now, what's it look like?
Don't look like nothin'
I've ever saw before.
What is it?
Well, any fool
knows that's a level.
Well, this fool don't.
A level?
What's it for?
It shows is things level.
Well... w-wait.
Work it for me, will you?
You see that bubble?
Well, when that sets
between those lines, it means...
here and here...
It means that the
table... is level!
Don't set straight, I
can... I can see that.
That's right.
It... dips off to the right.
Right!
Well, now.
Work it on somethin'
else for me, will you?
I done enough already.
I don't owe you no favors.
Well, wait a minute.
I'll play you a
hand of poker for it.
What do you put up?
Ten dollars.
Ain't worth that, Festus.
Now, you heard him.
You all heard him.
Ten dollars against
this here level.
Now, them's the stakes.
Come on.
I aim to win it.
All right, it's my game...
my deal.
It's the onliest
thing I could do, Lon.
That's your way of
sayin' I win again, ain't it?
There's a way to get
to you, Festus Haggen,
and some day I'm gonna find it.
There's a lady outside
to see you, Festus.
A lady? For me?
I think she's from
off somewhere.
Well, uh, is she pretty?
Right pretty.
Well, like I told you,
poker's just one of
the things I'm good at.
I reckon you're surprised
to see me, Festus.
Reckon I am.
I ain't what you'd
call flower-fresh,
but I am here.
Yes, ma'am, you-you sure are.
Should I've wrote first?
Well, uh, no, ma'am.
I-I ain't no hand to read.
Makes us even. I can't write.
Reckon you've came
a long ways, huh?
Well, however far it is from
Texas, that's how far I came.
Well, that's a...
far piece, all right.
Well, seems like you
wasn't comin' for me,
so I come for you.
Everybody was in on it.
Your pa and mine and mama.
Wasn't a Haggen
around didn't have his say.
Well, golly Bill.
You're Uncle
Loot's girl, ain't you?
I'm Mayblossom, Festus.
Well, ain't you, though?
Why, I ain't saw you
since you was a...
Seems you could introduce us.
Well, I'd be proud to.
This here is Mayblossom Haggen.
She's my cousin once removed.
- Howdy.
- Mm-hmm.
You're kind of faded,
ain't you, Mayblossom?
Well, I-I reckon I-I
could use a wash.
You better tell the
lady you're sorry, Lon.
Well, now, I might.
If I could see a lady around.
Now you better say you're
sorry while you can still talk.
Now, anybody lookin'
can see that she's just...
Go on, get him. Go on.
What are you doing? Come on!
Get him!
He's p... he's plumb
sorry, Mayblossom.
I just know he is.
Come on. Set down, Festus.
Some fellers just take
learnin', Mayblossom.
Well, you just tell him
why I come here when
he comes to, Festus.
There...
there ain't no reason
to tell him nothin'.
You're here, and
that's-that's plenty.
Well, I mean how our
daddies shook hands
the day I was born and how
we'd marry when I growed up.
Well, you... you growed up.
You... you sure did.
You're plumb pretty.
And Festus, you sure hit good.
Just like a Haggen.
Oh, Marshal, you just have
to make 'em understand.
They look at me as if
I'd not got good sense.
Well, I'll see
what I can do, Ma.
Well, I'll tell you
what you can do:
you can get them out
of my boarding house.
Maybe you just
misunderstood 'em somehow.
Oh, there is no way, Marshal.
No way in the world to
misunderstand a mule.
Now you just tell me, Marshal,
how I can misunderstand that.
Is that a mule, or isn't it?
Yeah, well, it sure looks
like a mule to me, Ma.
Well, of course it's a mule.
It's just eatin', not
a-botherin' at all.
Well, I call it a bother.
Marshal, I reckon this
ain't no time for howdying,
but, uh, this here's my
cousin, Mayblossom Haggen.
Well. Mayblossom.
Howdy.
You ain't gonna
kill my mule, now.
No, I don't hardly think
that'll be necessary.
Oh, I don't want
him dead, child.
I just want him outside.
All the way outside.
Well...
But Festus, I come
halfway with her already.
Well, I know you have.
Marshal, it's just a
little difference in ways.
That's all it amounts to.
See, us Haggens
is used to sharing
right along with our animals.
She wanted to keep that
mule in the same room with her.
Well, there's room.
Best I talk most.
Livin' amongst these town folks,
I got a cleaner line on things.
Well, now, Festus,
you know after all,
it is Ma's boarding house,
and if she says no mule,
I-I'm afraid that's the
way it'll have to be.
That's the way it has to be.
Well, lookin' at
it certain ways,
a mule ain't hardly no
more than a big dog.
But I don't allow
big dogs, either.
Well, I declare.
See, Mayblossom?
You ain't been out amongst
these people like I have.
Some folks has strange ways,
but when you're in
their neck of the woods,
you just got to just oblige
to go by their rules, that's all.
Well, I ain't never
closed my eyes at night
without one of my own nearby,
and I ain't a-fixin'
to start now.
No hard feelings,
but if my mule goes,
I'm a-going right
along with him.
That's the way it
has to be. I'm sorry.
Well, just don't you fret
none now, Mayblossom.
I'll-I'll find you
a place to live.
You go on out
and look after him,
and I'll fetch your things out.
I don't like you much.
She's just a little overwrought.
I don't reckon you'd know
any place where she could stay.
Somebody that was a little
more willing to bend than you are.
No. No, indeed I do not.
Festus, you know, it
seems to me that, uh,
the way she wants to do things,
you're pretty near gonna have
to get her a place of her own.
I reckon that would be the best.
Say...
did you know your
bed sets downhill?
Well, no, I-I didn't, and-and
I don't believe it does.
Well, yes, ma'am,
it-it does for sure.
Reckon Mayblossom's just
too polite to say anything.
That can be fixed easy enough.
Well, I'll say one thing
for it: it's ugly as sin.
Well, I reckon Miss Mayblossom
can have that
fixed up in no time.
Law, it's got a roof and sides.
I don't need much
more than that.
Ain't it got no inside?
Have a look.
Festus, you'll be sure and
fix a place for my mule, now.
Oh, of course I
will, Mayblossom.
Lookee here.
There's boards
down right on the dirt.
Well, that'll take
gettin' used to.
It is roomy.
Well, there's room
for a bed and a stove.
Not a lot else.
Well, now, I ain't
askin' a lot for it.
I don't see how you can.
It means a lot to me
to have good neighbors.
How much does it
mean... in money?
Well, I'd say $50.
I was thinkin' more like $25.
Oh, no, no, no, I-I
couldn't let it go that cheap.
First good wind
that comes along,
you're gonna let
it go for nothing.
Well, I guess it could
take a little work.
All right.
$25.
You strike me as a gambling man.
Well, I'm not.
I just might be
tempted into playing you
a hand of poker for this house.
Cash money, or I don't sell.
Festus, the mule could
feed right through here.
Appears the lady likes it.
$25, you say?
$20.
One... 22... 23...
24... 25...
Did I mention to you
that she's my cousin?
No, you didn't.
$25.
Well, I'll mention it now.
Well, now, Miss Mayblossom.
I don't live far, and, uh,
and I'm a hand to be neighborly.
Most every man I meet
has that look on him, Festus.
I reckon you know you're pretty.
Mama remarked on it.
How is Aunt George?
She's nice and fine,
thank you, Festus.
Mama don't know
any other way to be.
Ah, she sure don't.
Yeah.
Well, I sure got a
heap of work to do
settin' this place straight.
It'll be nice having
a Haggen around.
Thing reads true, uh,
there ain't any place
in here that don't lean.
All the way up from Texas,
I stopped in with one
set of Haggens or another.
Law, we got kin, Festus.
Uh-huh. There's a bunch of 'em.
Nice folk, mostly.
You recollect Cousin Feeder?
Feeder, you say?
Clag Haggen's oldest boy.
Well, nothing comes
into my head about him.
Feeder?
He's big, got a fine beard.
Appears like this whole
dang end of the room
just give up in one big slump.
I swear I'm just
sore as a boil all over
fixing up that house and all.
You're not used to
working, that's all, Festus.
Well, I had the early
conviction agin work,
and I just had it bore
out all over again.
But I finally got Mayblossom
all settled real fine.
And the mule, too?
Oh, they both just as
happy as they can be.
'Course, Mayblossom
comes by happy just natural.
I lay that to Aunt George.
Aunt George?
Uncle Loot's wife.
I've never knew a
more pleasanter lady.
She's always had a...
just a great feeling for pretty.
She could make more
out of the sun goin' down
and the color it kicked up
than any mortal I've ever saw.
She just plumb
fierce on pretty, now.
That's all there is to it.
She sure has a pretty daughter.
Peculiar you'd say that.
Why is that? Mayblossom's
a pretty girl, isn't she?
Oh, of course she is,
and it's-it's all
Aunt George's doin'.
Uh, see, Aunt George
had a string of eight boys
before Mayblossom come along.
And it wasn't no doubt about it
that Aunt George just plain
set her head on havin' a girl.
Well, it seems like
after eight boys,
she got the odd in
her favor, anyway.
Well, Haggens leans to boys.
But, uh... ain't no
doubt about that,
and when the time finally come,
and Aunt George come grinnin' up
out of that sorghum patch
a-totin' that young'un,
she said the minute
she laid eyes on her,
she seen she is a
regular May blossom.
And that little old trick just
fair flowered from then on.
Well, that's quite a story.
How long since you've had
yourself a mess of greens?
A good mess of greens?
Mm, it's been a good
long while, Festus.
Now, I mean Texas greens.
Well, now, is there
any other kind?
You come and take
supper with us tonight.
I don't know about that.
I don't think Mayblossom
likes me too well.
Oh, she'd be tickled
to death to see you.
And her greens'll warm your
belly clean up to your heart.
All right, I'll be there.
Good.
You sure you know
where our house is?
Sure do.
We'll see you directly.
Mayblossom, you're
a mighty good cook.
You sure did go at your food.
- You want some more?
- Oh, no, thanks.
I, uh... I'm afraid I wouldn't
have any more room.
Well, what's ailing
you, Mayblossom?
Not nothin'.
Not nothin' my foot.
The marshal's got somethin'
to do with it, ain't he?
Festus, don't act the fool.
Now, what did I do?
Only thing you done was
to come over for supper.
Here she is, just a-shyin' up.
I can't hear a word, so
just save your breath.
The marshal
thinks you're pretty.
Can you hear that?
Thank you.
Festus, you just beat all.
It ain't you,
Marshal... and it is.
I ain't used to taking food
with no one but my own.
Mostly, Haggens eat together.
I understand you come
from a pretty big family.
Pity none of us can't
count how many.
I better bed down the mule.
Reckon you can see
she's plumb sweet on you.
Well, I can see that
you'd like her to be, yeah.
Well, she's sound as a
dollar and a good worker.
Got her own house,
too, don't forget that.
Sure, got her own mule, too.
I'll tell you one thing:
a man can't live on bread alone.
Now, if you was to
come home every night
to a big mess of greens
and a pretty, accommodating
woman, why, there's
just no tell...
What do you mean?
Festus, I mean no. Forget it.
Well, golly Bill, Marshal,
it's a plumb natural thing
for a man to get married.
Oh, it is, huh? Well,
what about you then?
Well, there is exceptions.
You could court her for a spell.
That'd be real pleasurable.
Festus, I'll tell you something.
I don't think you're
gonna have to worry
about Mayblossom at all.
She'll find somebody
and get married.
The mule's just as
content as he can be.
Oh, here, let me give
you a hand, Mayblossom.
That's a woman's work.
Don't become a man.
Well, I just wanted
to let you know
how much I enjoyed that meal.
If you mean to, there's a way.
Well, there is? What's that?
You being a peace
officer, can you marry folks?
Mayblossom, that ain't
in his line of work at all.
It ain't?
Well, not usually, no.
Our daddies... mine and
Festus... They shook hands
on how we'd get married
the day I was born.
And here we're not.
He ain't the least
bit interested in that.
Well, I am.
Well, now... now, just
a minute, here, Festus.
Maybe, uh... maybe I could
make an exception in this case.
You do, and I'll get on you
like ugly on an ape.
The reason I come
to see you, Miss Kitty,
is because I figured
you know men.
That's pretty good figuring.
Well, have you
ever knew one of 'em
that was worth a pinch of salt
outside of me and
maybe the marshal?
Well, now, you've narrowed
the field a lot right there.
Well, how would it set with you
if supposing I was to marry
Mayblossom off to the marshal?
It wouldn't set level.
Don't, uh, rest easy
with you at all, huh?
Honest.
'Course, um, Matt might
feel differently about it.
Oh, I done took it up with him,
and he didn't smart to the idea.
You know, it seems
to me like, uh,
I heard someplace that you were
supposed to marry Mayblossom.
- You did?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I... oh, uh...
You know, it just puzzles me
why you don't have
more spillage in here.
There-there ain't a thing in
this place that sets square.
That's to match the customers.
Well, I reckon we
all got our troubles.
But you keep your eye peeled
for a good man for
Mayblossom, will you?
I'll try.
And be sure to tell him
how there ain't no care
like a Haggen
woman gives her man.
- I'll do that.
- Much obliged.
You got any more pretties
we could play poker for?
No, I don't, but it
looks like you do.
Ah, I figured your big
ear was right over there
with Miss Kitty and me.
You don't want the girl,
why not shove her my way?
Now, that ain't no fittin'
kind of talk, and you quit it!
Married man.
You be gone long?
Day or two is all, I reckon.
There's some business that
started before you come to town.
I don't mind none.
Want to ask the marshal to
look in on you whilst I'm gone.
I'd rather you didn't, Festus.
Well, now, that's a
mean thing to say.
Here, fill this up.
W-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What's the matter with you?
You went lame or what?
I just rammed a burr
into my foot, is all.
Well, does it hurt bad?
Don't feel good.
It's his face, Festus.
What's his face?
The marshal's.
He's got no hair on it.
Oh.
I can't go a man
with a bare face.
Did I tell you Cousin
Feeder's got a fine beard?
Well, that's fine.
Now, you go fetch your
mule, and I'll drop you by Doc's
so he can take
a look at that foot.
I never seen a doc!
Well, it's time you did.
Ain't all of 'em that's so bad.
Now, go on.
♪♪
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
You-you just go on up
yonder, now, and see Doc.
Just say your name.
Just say my name?
Mayblossom Haggen.
Well?
Hello?
Hello.
Well, you gonna
come all the way in?
Good-bye, Festus!
You got a sore foot.
I was just gonna tell you that.
Sit down over here.
Now, put your foot right there.
I never seen a doc before.
Well, you'll get over
the shock of that.
You ain't too bad. Leastwise,
you got some hair on your face.
- It's swollen.
- Well, Festus says put goose grease on it.
Old Festus still
practicing medicine, huh?
Well, he's right; it'll draw.
- You stepped on something.
- Just a burr.
Well, it's still in there.
Well... put some
goose grease on it,
and it'll fly out in no time.
Well... I'm a little
shy on goose grease,
so I'm gonna have
to just take it out.
I guess I know
the onliest way else
you're gonna
get it out of there.
Well, you'd be kind
of a sick girl if I didn't.
Here, let me have that.
- I think I like you.
- You do, huh?
I think so.
Well, can you think
of any reason why?
Yes.
Well... your
face ain't all bare.
If you let your whiskers grow,
you might be pleasant
for a woman to look on.
Well... I'm gonna fix
this up for you now.
Now, this...
this might hurt a little.
Oh, I don't mind.
Now, Mayblossom, I
want you to stay off that foot
- just as much as you can.
- But it don't hurt.
I am the doctor; you
do just what I tell you.
Now, look at that
mule strolling off.
Yeah, well, here, I'll get it.
Ah, you've done
enough, and I thank you.
Mule knows I was
going that way, I reckon.
You be sure to give a
thought to them whiskers, now.
I'm gonna do that.
Oh, come here,
you playful critter.
Oh, you ain't the
critter I meant.
Well, I guess
that's my hard luck.
What happened to your sleeves?
Well, you don't need
sleeves in my work.
All you need is arms.
They look a fright all bare.
Don't they chill up?
Well, not around a forge.
I declare, I don't understand
what's happening
to men around here.
Faces all bare, and arms, too.
I grew up with eight brothers,
and more cousins and uncles
than you can count,
and a daddy, too...
I never saw a bare arm once.
Well, I hear tell
some women like 'em.
Nah.
Is that a fact?
That's a fact.
Well, they ain't Haggen
women, that's for sure.
M-Mayblossom
Haggen. That's my name.
Yeah, I know Festus.
My name's Quint.
Howdy.
I guess he could use some shoes.
I guess I could, too.
If you're gonna ride
him, uh, I'll help you up.
I'm to stay off my
foot, you know.
Oh, thank you.
You know...
they don't feel as
bad as they look.
Well, thank you very much.
Bye-bye. Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
♪♪
Oh, hello, Mayblossom.
Oh, howdy.
I've been meaning to
stop out and see you,
like Festus told me to.
Well, thank you, Marshal,
but I'm proud to fend for myself.
Well, you sure you're
all right alone out there?
Oh, Marshal, it's just our
way to fend for ourselves.
But you're kind, I
don't mind saying that.
Kind of like that dress, huh?
I don't know.
I've been cutting my eye on it.
But it grabs in so
close in the middle,
I'd be kind of a-feared
to swallow hard.
You know, Cousin Feeder's
'most as tall as you are.
He is?
He's got a right fine beard.
Covers most of his face.
He's right nice,
Cousin Feeder is.
I'll give you a hand.
Take care of yourself,
now, Mayblossom.
♪♪
♪♪
Oh. Ladies.
Hi, Doc.
Well, where you been
the last couple of days?
Well, I had to ride
out to Fort Larned.
- I just got back.
- Oh.
- Why? Is something wrong?
- Well, no, I don't think so.
That little Mayblossom Haggen
was supposed to come in town
and let me have
a look at her foot,
but she hasn't showed up.
Well, I thought Festus
would be back by this time.
I haven't seen him, either,
but, then, I got a call out there,
and, uh, I'll just drop in
and have a look at her.
Well, maybe I ought
to go along with you.
Well... all right, you
can if you want to,
but, uh... think I
might as well tell you
that I got a better chance
with her than you have.
Oh, is that so? How
do you figure that?
Well, for one thing, I
got a mustache, and, uh,
then I'm kind of
pleasant to look on, too.
Hmm! That's a matter of opinion.
Move over. I want to ride down
to the stable and get my horse.
Mayblossom, you're sure you
don't have any idea who it was?
Festus'll be so hurt with me.
Oh, he won't, either, now.
He'll just be glad
you're all right.
I don't mind this broth, Doc.
I'm a good cook.
Now I wished I'd
let you look in on me
like you wanted to, Marshal.
So do I.
I lay it all on my gimpy foot.
Never even got a
chance to get my rifle.
Just heard him ride up,
and... then he was here.
I wish Festus would come.
Well, he should
be along anytime.
There anything I can do for you?
Well... I know blamed well
that mule ain't seen food
nor water for near two days.
Yeah, well, I'll see to him.
Haggen women do a better job
of fending for their
selves most generally.
Well, Mayblossom...
don't fret about it anymore.
Just forget all about it.
I wished I was home.
Wished I'd have stayed home.
I ain't glad I come
up here a bit.
Doc's with her now.
I'm much obliged your
telling me, Marshal.
Now, Festus, I
know how you feel.
But I want you to
let me handle this.
As long as we're
talkin' want, Marshal,
I want you to stay out
of Haggen business.
You go gunnin' for a man,
it's gonna be my business.
I can't go gunnin' for nobody
if Mayblossom don't
know who done it.
♪♪
I'm glad you're back, Festus.
I've done saw the marshal.
Ever so much
obliged to you, Doc.
If you don't mind, I'd like
to talk to her by herself.
Thank you, Festus.
I sure am powerful sorry, girl.
Just powerful.
I know you're ashamed.
I got no right to
ask forgiveness.
Well, you're... you're
lookin' real pretty,
but you're sure talkin' dumb.
Well, I ain't fit
for marryin' now.
You quit that.
You're gentle and
fine just like your ma.
And I-I want you
to keep thinkin' that.
- Nothin' else.
- Well, it ain't easy.
I... never sh-should've went off
and left you at all.
Now, you-you tell me
about the man, Mayblossom.
Well...
I don't know his name,
but he knows you.
Um, first day I rode up,
you and him had a fistfight.
Talked about you beatin'
him at poker and things.
I'll tell Doc to stay
with you till I get back.
Festus...
um, I'll thank you
not to be long.
It won't take long.
Reckon she's gonna
be fit enough, Doc?
She'll be all right, Festus.
It's-it's gonna take
a little while, though.
Well, I got me a
ways to go, so...
stay with her and help
her all you can, will you?
I will.
Stand up.
Festus? Well...
Well, you was away...
Get to your feet.
Huh?
I've came straight
from Mayblossom.
♪♪
Well, I heard the shots.
Did you kill him?
I did.
Who was it?
Lon Harder.
♪♪
Giddap.
Doc?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
You were supposed to
stay here till I got back.
Well, I think you'll find
she's in pretty good
hands right now, Festus.
Giddap.
Whoa.
Festus.
I can't hardly
believe it myself.
Well, give me
something to go on, girl.
I never heard of
introducing Haggens.
This here is cousin Feeder.
Oh, ain't, neither.
It is. Say it is so,
Cousin Feeder.
Clag Haggen's boy, Festus.
Why, you little
old scudder, you.
You-you... you ate your
share right along, didn't you?
- Good seeing you, Festus. Yes.
- It's good to see you.
Feel him, Festus. Feel him.
Not an ounce of fat on him.
Just nice and big.
So, that's the way
things stand, huh?
Yup, that's the
way things stand,
but it can't be,
and you know it can't.
Well, Mayblossom remarked
how she stopped
to visit you folks,
but she didn't say
anything more than that.
There wasn't any more to say.
I just saw him and felt for him.
Seems like he did
the same for me.
I rode clean up
from Texas to tell her.
I was just a-busting
inside with it.
Uh-huh. Well.
We know we ain't got
the right to each other.
I'm gonna marry you, Festus,
like our daddies shook on,
but I-I can't hide my
true feelings from you.
Well, she was gave to me.
You-you know about that.
Yeah, I know all there is
to know about Mayblossom.
I was just telling him how...
Now, you stop
that, and I mean it.
If you're gonna get picky,
I'll just throw
you out right now.
Mayblossom knows, what
happened don't matter to me a bit,
but if you want to
try throwing me out...
I'm here to oblige you, Cousin.
Well, now, that's
proud Haggen talk.
I'll shake your hand on that.
You hanker for this big
bush, do you, Mayblossom?
Oh, I sure do, Festus.
Well, ain't nobody's
got more of a right
to give her away than I have.
Oh, Feeder!
You'll find us a parson, Festus?
Well, if you two think
you can spare me,
I'll fetch one right now.
She'll-she'll take
some gentling.
I'll gentle her, Festus.
Oh, I'll gentle her.
- Oh, Feeder.
- Oh.
Oh, we got us a long
ways to go, Mayblossom.
All right, Mr. Haggen.
Doc, you know
it still ain't too late
for you to grow that beard.
Well, now I'm gonna give that
a lot of serious
thought, Mayblossom.
- All right.
- You folks ought to get started.
Oh, Festus,
I don't know how to thank you.
You've made me real happy.
Well, I done the
best thing I could
by not marrying up with you.
So long, Festus.
Sure been good seeing you.
Been good seeing
you, too, Feeder.
Come on, Mayblossom.
Why, thank you.
Be sure and say
hi to-to Clag for me.
Sure will.
Marshal, be sure and
take care of Festus for me.
I'll sure do that, Mayblossom.
All right.
- So long.
- Bye now. -So long.
Giddap, Lou.
Well, Festus, you know,
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to keep you here with me
till the judge gets here.
Well, much obliged
for not letting
Mayblossom know about it.
You know, I don't think
you're gonna get a jury
in Dodge to convict you, Festus.
You, Matt?
Oh, I don't think so, Doc,
under the circumstances.
But you're fixing to throw
me in jail anyhow, huh?
I got to.
That don't surprise me.
Don't make a lick of sense,
but it don't surprise me none.
According to this level,
there ain't a thing in town
that sits like it ought to.
The whole blame
town slopes downhill.
I reckon that's what throws
the whole bunch of you
kind of out of kilter.
♪♪
Arness as Matt Dillon.
Call.
Like I said, I just...
play whatever cards is dealt me.
I'd sure admire to see what
you was so proud of there.
You ever see such a
run of cards all the day?
I was just sitting here
thinking how smart I played 'em.
Yeah, well, you-you
don't seem so smart to me.
Well, now, poker's just one
of the things I'm good at, Lon.
Yeah.
Hey, wait. Wait a minute.
What's that thingamabob there?
Well, now, what's it look like?
Don't look like nothin'
I've ever saw before.
What is it?
Well, any fool
knows that's a level.
Well, this fool don't.
A level?
What's it for?
It shows is things level.
Well... w-wait.
Work it for me, will you?
You see that bubble?
Well, when that sets
between those lines, it means...
here and here...
It means that the
table... is level!
Don't set straight, I
can... I can see that.
That's right.
It... dips off to the right.
Right!
Well, now.
Work it on somethin'
else for me, will you?
I done enough already.
I don't owe you no favors.
Well, wait a minute.
I'll play you a
hand of poker for it.
What do you put up?
Ten dollars.
Ain't worth that, Festus.
Now, you heard him.
You all heard him.
Ten dollars against
this here level.
Now, them's the stakes.
Come on.
I aim to win it.
All right, it's my game...
my deal.
It's the onliest
thing I could do, Lon.
That's your way of
sayin' I win again, ain't it?
There's a way to get
to you, Festus Haggen,
and some day I'm gonna find it.
There's a lady outside
to see you, Festus.
A lady? For me?
I think she's from
off somewhere.
Well, uh, is she pretty?
Right pretty.
Well, like I told you,
poker's just one of
the things I'm good at.
I reckon you're surprised
to see me, Festus.
Reckon I am.
I ain't what you'd
call flower-fresh,
but I am here.
Yes, ma'am, you-you sure are.
Should I've wrote first?
Well, uh, no, ma'am.
I-I ain't no hand to read.
Makes us even. I can't write.
Reckon you've came
a long ways, huh?
Well, however far it is from
Texas, that's how far I came.
Well, that's a...
far piece, all right.
Well, seems like you
wasn't comin' for me,
so I come for you.
Everybody was in on it.
Your pa and mine and mama.
Wasn't a Haggen
around didn't have his say.
Well, golly Bill.
You're Uncle
Loot's girl, ain't you?
I'm Mayblossom, Festus.
Well, ain't you, though?
Why, I ain't saw you
since you was a...
Seems you could introduce us.
Well, I'd be proud to.
This here is Mayblossom Haggen.
She's my cousin once removed.
- Howdy.
- Mm-hmm.
You're kind of faded,
ain't you, Mayblossom?
Well, I-I reckon I-I
could use a wash.
You better tell the
lady you're sorry, Lon.
Well, now, I might.
If I could see a lady around.
Now you better say you're
sorry while you can still talk.
Now, anybody lookin'
can see that she's just...
Go on, get him. Go on.
What are you doing? Come on!
Get him!
He's p... he's plumb
sorry, Mayblossom.
I just know he is.
Come on. Set down, Festus.
Some fellers just take
learnin', Mayblossom.
Well, you just tell him
why I come here when
he comes to, Festus.
There...
there ain't no reason
to tell him nothin'.
You're here, and
that's-that's plenty.
Well, I mean how our
daddies shook hands
the day I was born and how
we'd marry when I growed up.
Well, you... you growed up.
You... you sure did.
You're plumb pretty.
And Festus, you sure hit good.
Just like a Haggen.
Oh, Marshal, you just have
to make 'em understand.
They look at me as if
I'd not got good sense.
Well, I'll see
what I can do, Ma.
Well, I'll tell you
what you can do:
you can get them out
of my boarding house.
Maybe you just
misunderstood 'em somehow.
Oh, there is no way, Marshal.
No way in the world to
misunderstand a mule.
Now you just tell me, Marshal,
how I can misunderstand that.
Is that a mule, or isn't it?
Yeah, well, it sure looks
like a mule to me, Ma.
Well, of course it's a mule.
It's just eatin', not
a-botherin' at all.
Well, I call it a bother.
Marshal, I reckon this
ain't no time for howdying,
but, uh, this here's my
cousin, Mayblossom Haggen.
Well. Mayblossom.
Howdy.
You ain't gonna
kill my mule, now.
No, I don't hardly think
that'll be necessary.
Oh, I don't want
him dead, child.
I just want him outside.
All the way outside.
Well...
But Festus, I come
halfway with her already.
Well, I know you have.
Marshal, it's just a
little difference in ways.
That's all it amounts to.
See, us Haggens
is used to sharing
right along with our animals.
She wanted to keep that
mule in the same room with her.
Well, there's room.
Best I talk most.
Livin' amongst these town folks,
I got a cleaner line on things.
Well, now, Festus,
you know after all,
it is Ma's boarding house,
and if she says no mule,
I-I'm afraid that's the
way it'll have to be.
That's the way it has to be.
Well, lookin' at
it certain ways,
a mule ain't hardly no
more than a big dog.
But I don't allow
big dogs, either.
Well, I declare.
See, Mayblossom?
You ain't been out amongst
these people like I have.
Some folks has strange ways,
but when you're in
their neck of the woods,
you just got to just oblige
to go by their rules, that's all.
Well, I ain't never
closed my eyes at night
without one of my own nearby,
and I ain't a-fixin'
to start now.
No hard feelings,
but if my mule goes,
I'm a-going right
along with him.
That's the way it
has to be. I'm sorry.
Well, just don't you fret
none now, Mayblossom.
I'll-I'll find you
a place to live.
You go on out
and look after him,
and I'll fetch your things out.
I don't like you much.
She's just a little overwrought.
I don't reckon you'd know
any place where she could stay.
Somebody that was a little
more willing to bend than you are.
No. No, indeed I do not.
Festus, you know, it
seems to me that, uh,
the way she wants to do things,
you're pretty near gonna have
to get her a place of her own.
I reckon that would be the best.
Say...
did you know your
bed sets downhill?
Well, no, I-I didn't, and-and
I don't believe it does.
Well, yes, ma'am,
it-it does for sure.
Reckon Mayblossom's just
too polite to say anything.
That can be fixed easy enough.
Well, I'll say one thing
for it: it's ugly as sin.
Well, I reckon Miss Mayblossom
can have that
fixed up in no time.
Law, it's got a roof and sides.
I don't need much
more than that.
Ain't it got no inside?
Have a look.
Festus, you'll be sure and
fix a place for my mule, now.
Oh, of course I
will, Mayblossom.
Lookee here.
There's boards
down right on the dirt.
Well, that'll take
gettin' used to.
It is roomy.
Well, there's room
for a bed and a stove.
Not a lot else.
Well, now, I ain't
askin' a lot for it.
I don't see how you can.
It means a lot to me
to have good neighbors.
How much does it
mean... in money?
Well, I'd say $50.
I was thinkin' more like $25.
Oh, no, no, no, I-I
couldn't let it go that cheap.
First good wind
that comes along,
you're gonna let
it go for nothing.
Well, I guess it could
take a little work.
All right.
$25.
You strike me as a gambling man.
Well, I'm not.
I just might be
tempted into playing you
a hand of poker for this house.
Cash money, or I don't sell.
Festus, the mule could
feed right through here.
Appears the lady likes it.
$25, you say?
$20.
One... 22... 23...
24... 25...
Did I mention to you
that she's my cousin?
No, you didn't.
$25.
Well, I'll mention it now.
Well, now, Miss Mayblossom.
I don't live far, and, uh,
and I'm a hand to be neighborly.
Most every man I meet
has that look on him, Festus.
I reckon you know you're pretty.
Mama remarked on it.
How is Aunt George?
She's nice and fine,
thank you, Festus.
Mama don't know
any other way to be.
Ah, she sure don't.
Yeah.
Well, I sure got a
heap of work to do
settin' this place straight.
It'll be nice having
a Haggen around.
Thing reads true, uh,
there ain't any place
in here that don't lean.
All the way up from Texas,
I stopped in with one
set of Haggens or another.
Law, we got kin, Festus.
Uh-huh. There's a bunch of 'em.
Nice folk, mostly.
You recollect Cousin Feeder?
Feeder, you say?
Clag Haggen's oldest boy.
Well, nothing comes
into my head about him.
Feeder?
He's big, got a fine beard.
Appears like this whole
dang end of the room
just give up in one big slump.
I swear I'm just
sore as a boil all over
fixing up that house and all.
You're not used to
working, that's all, Festus.
Well, I had the early
conviction agin work,
and I just had it bore
out all over again.
But I finally got Mayblossom
all settled real fine.
And the mule, too?
Oh, they both just as
happy as they can be.
'Course, Mayblossom
comes by happy just natural.
I lay that to Aunt George.
Aunt George?
Uncle Loot's wife.
I've never knew a
more pleasanter lady.
She's always had a...
just a great feeling for pretty.
She could make more
out of the sun goin' down
and the color it kicked up
than any mortal I've ever saw.
She just plumb
fierce on pretty, now.
That's all there is to it.
She sure has a pretty daughter.
Peculiar you'd say that.
Why is that? Mayblossom's
a pretty girl, isn't she?
Oh, of course she is,
and it's-it's all
Aunt George's doin'.
Uh, see, Aunt George
had a string of eight boys
before Mayblossom come along.
And it wasn't no doubt about it
that Aunt George just plain
set her head on havin' a girl.
Well, it seems like
after eight boys,
she got the odd in
her favor, anyway.
Well, Haggens leans to boys.
But, uh... ain't no
doubt about that,
and when the time finally come,
and Aunt George come grinnin' up
out of that sorghum patch
a-totin' that young'un,
she said the minute
she laid eyes on her,
she seen she is a
regular May blossom.
And that little old trick just
fair flowered from then on.
Well, that's quite a story.
How long since you've had
yourself a mess of greens?
A good mess of greens?
Mm, it's been a good
long while, Festus.
Now, I mean Texas greens.
Well, now, is there
any other kind?
You come and take
supper with us tonight.
I don't know about that.
I don't think Mayblossom
likes me too well.
Oh, she'd be tickled
to death to see you.
And her greens'll warm your
belly clean up to your heart.
All right, I'll be there.
Good.
You sure you know
where our house is?
Sure do.
We'll see you directly.
Mayblossom, you're
a mighty good cook.
You sure did go at your food.
- You want some more?
- Oh, no, thanks.
I, uh... I'm afraid I wouldn't
have any more room.
Well, what's ailing
you, Mayblossom?
Not nothin'.
Not nothin' my foot.
The marshal's got somethin'
to do with it, ain't he?
Festus, don't act the fool.
Now, what did I do?
Only thing you done was
to come over for supper.
Here she is, just a-shyin' up.
I can't hear a word, so
just save your breath.
The marshal
thinks you're pretty.
Can you hear that?
Thank you.
Festus, you just beat all.
It ain't you,
Marshal... and it is.
I ain't used to taking food
with no one but my own.
Mostly, Haggens eat together.
I understand you come
from a pretty big family.
Pity none of us can't
count how many.
I better bed down the mule.
Reckon you can see
she's plumb sweet on you.
Well, I can see that
you'd like her to be, yeah.
Well, she's sound as a
dollar and a good worker.
Got her own house,
too, don't forget that.
Sure, got her own mule, too.
I'll tell you one thing:
a man can't live on bread alone.
Now, if you was to
come home every night
to a big mess of greens
and a pretty, accommodating
woman, why, there's
just no tell...
What do you mean?
Festus, I mean no. Forget it.
Well, golly Bill, Marshal,
it's a plumb natural thing
for a man to get married.
Oh, it is, huh? Well,
what about you then?
Well, there is exceptions.
You could court her for a spell.
That'd be real pleasurable.
Festus, I'll tell you something.
I don't think you're
gonna have to worry
about Mayblossom at all.
She'll find somebody
and get married.
The mule's just as
content as he can be.
Oh, here, let me give
you a hand, Mayblossom.
That's a woman's work.
Don't become a man.
Well, I just wanted
to let you know
how much I enjoyed that meal.
If you mean to, there's a way.
Well, there is? What's that?
You being a peace
officer, can you marry folks?
Mayblossom, that ain't
in his line of work at all.
It ain't?
Well, not usually, no.
Our daddies... mine and
Festus... They shook hands
on how we'd get married
the day I was born.
And here we're not.
He ain't the least
bit interested in that.
Well, I am.
Well, now... now, just
a minute, here, Festus.
Maybe, uh... maybe I could
make an exception in this case.
You do, and I'll get on you
like ugly on an ape.
The reason I come
to see you, Miss Kitty,
is because I figured
you know men.
That's pretty good figuring.
Well, have you
ever knew one of 'em
that was worth a pinch of salt
outside of me and
maybe the marshal?
Well, now, you've narrowed
the field a lot right there.
Well, how would it set with you
if supposing I was to marry
Mayblossom off to the marshal?
It wouldn't set level.
Don't, uh, rest easy
with you at all, huh?
Honest.
'Course, um, Matt might
feel differently about it.
Oh, I done took it up with him,
and he didn't smart to the idea.
You know, it seems
to me like, uh,
I heard someplace that you were
supposed to marry Mayblossom.
- You did?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I... oh, uh...
You know, it just puzzles me
why you don't have
more spillage in here.
There-there ain't a thing in
this place that sets square.
That's to match the customers.
Well, I reckon we
all got our troubles.
But you keep your eye peeled
for a good man for
Mayblossom, will you?
I'll try.
And be sure to tell him
how there ain't no care
like a Haggen
woman gives her man.
- I'll do that.
- Much obliged.
You got any more pretties
we could play poker for?
No, I don't, but it
looks like you do.
Ah, I figured your big
ear was right over there
with Miss Kitty and me.
You don't want the girl,
why not shove her my way?
Now, that ain't no fittin'
kind of talk, and you quit it!
Married man.
You be gone long?
Day or two is all, I reckon.
There's some business that
started before you come to town.
I don't mind none.
Want to ask the marshal to
look in on you whilst I'm gone.
I'd rather you didn't, Festus.
Well, now, that's a
mean thing to say.
Here, fill this up.
W-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What's the matter with you?
You went lame or what?
I just rammed a burr
into my foot, is all.
Well, does it hurt bad?
Don't feel good.
It's his face, Festus.
What's his face?
The marshal's.
He's got no hair on it.
Oh.
I can't go a man
with a bare face.
Did I tell you Cousin
Feeder's got a fine beard?
Well, that's fine.
Now, you go fetch your
mule, and I'll drop you by Doc's
so he can take
a look at that foot.
I never seen a doc!
Well, it's time you did.
Ain't all of 'em that's so bad.
Now, go on.
♪♪
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
You-you just go on up
yonder, now, and see Doc.
Just say your name.
Just say my name?
Mayblossom Haggen.
Well?
Hello?
Hello.
Well, you gonna
come all the way in?
Good-bye, Festus!
You got a sore foot.
I was just gonna tell you that.
Sit down over here.
Now, put your foot right there.
I never seen a doc before.
Well, you'll get over
the shock of that.
You ain't too bad. Leastwise,
you got some hair on your face.
- It's swollen.
- Well, Festus says put goose grease on it.
Old Festus still
practicing medicine, huh?
Well, he's right; it'll draw.
- You stepped on something.
- Just a burr.
Well, it's still in there.
Well... put some
goose grease on it,
and it'll fly out in no time.
Well... I'm a little
shy on goose grease,
so I'm gonna have
to just take it out.
I guess I know
the onliest way else
you're gonna
get it out of there.
Well, you'd be kind
of a sick girl if I didn't.
Here, let me have that.
- I think I like you.
- You do, huh?
I think so.
Well, can you think
of any reason why?
Yes.
Well... your
face ain't all bare.
If you let your whiskers grow,
you might be pleasant
for a woman to look on.
Well... I'm gonna fix
this up for you now.
Now, this...
this might hurt a little.
Oh, I don't mind.
Now, Mayblossom, I
want you to stay off that foot
- just as much as you can.
- But it don't hurt.
I am the doctor; you
do just what I tell you.
Now, look at that
mule strolling off.
Yeah, well, here, I'll get it.
Ah, you've done
enough, and I thank you.
Mule knows I was
going that way, I reckon.
You be sure to give a
thought to them whiskers, now.
I'm gonna do that.
Oh, come here,
you playful critter.
Oh, you ain't the
critter I meant.
Well, I guess
that's my hard luck.
What happened to your sleeves?
Well, you don't need
sleeves in my work.
All you need is arms.
They look a fright all bare.
Don't they chill up?
Well, not around a forge.
I declare, I don't understand
what's happening
to men around here.
Faces all bare, and arms, too.
I grew up with eight brothers,
and more cousins and uncles
than you can count,
and a daddy, too...
I never saw a bare arm once.
Well, I hear tell
some women like 'em.
Nah.
Is that a fact?
That's a fact.
Well, they ain't Haggen
women, that's for sure.
M-Mayblossom
Haggen. That's my name.
Yeah, I know Festus.
My name's Quint.
Howdy.
I guess he could use some shoes.
I guess I could, too.
If you're gonna ride
him, uh, I'll help you up.
I'm to stay off my
foot, you know.
Oh, thank you.
You know...
they don't feel as
bad as they look.
Well, thank you very much.
Bye-bye. Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
♪♪
Oh, hello, Mayblossom.
Oh, howdy.
I've been meaning to
stop out and see you,
like Festus told me to.
Well, thank you, Marshal,
but I'm proud to fend for myself.
Well, you sure you're
all right alone out there?
Oh, Marshal, it's just our
way to fend for ourselves.
But you're kind, I
don't mind saying that.
Kind of like that dress, huh?
I don't know.
I've been cutting my eye on it.
But it grabs in so
close in the middle,
I'd be kind of a-feared
to swallow hard.
You know, Cousin Feeder's
'most as tall as you are.
He is?
He's got a right fine beard.
Covers most of his face.
He's right nice,
Cousin Feeder is.
I'll give you a hand.
Take care of yourself,
now, Mayblossom.
♪♪
♪♪
Oh. Ladies.
Hi, Doc.
Well, where you been
the last couple of days?
Well, I had to ride
out to Fort Larned.
- I just got back.
- Oh.
- Why? Is something wrong?
- Well, no, I don't think so.
That little Mayblossom Haggen
was supposed to come in town
and let me have
a look at her foot,
but she hasn't showed up.
Well, I thought Festus
would be back by this time.
I haven't seen him, either,
but, then, I got a call out there,
and, uh, I'll just drop in
and have a look at her.
Well, maybe I ought
to go along with you.
Well... all right, you
can if you want to,
but, uh... think I
might as well tell you
that I got a better chance
with her than you have.
Oh, is that so? How
do you figure that?
Well, for one thing, I
got a mustache, and, uh,
then I'm kind of
pleasant to look on, too.
Hmm! That's a matter of opinion.
Move over. I want to ride down
to the stable and get my horse.
Mayblossom, you're sure you
don't have any idea who it was?
Festus'll be so hurt with me.
Oh, he won't, either, now.
He'll just be glad
you're all right.
I don't mind this broth, Doc.
I'm a good cook.
Now I wished I'd
let you look in on me
like you wanted to, Marshal.
So do I.
I lay it all on my gimpy foot.
Never even got a
chance to get my rifle.
Just heard him ride up,
and... then he was here.
I wish Festus would come.
Well, he should
be along anytime.
There anything I can do for you?
Well... I know blamed well
that mule ain't seen food
nor water for near two days.
Yeah, well, I'll see to him.
Haggen women do a better job
of fending for their
selves most generally.
Well, Mayblossom...
don't fret about it anymore.
Just forget all about it.
I wished I was home.
Wished I'd have stayed home.
I ain't glad I come
up here a bit.
Doc's with her now.
I'm much obliged your
telling me, Marshal.
Now, Festus, I
know how you feel.
But I want you to
let me handle this.
As long as we're
talkin' want, Marshal,
I want you to stay out
of Haggen business.
You go gunnin' for a man,
it's gonna be my business.
I can't go gunnin' for nobody
if Mayblossom don't
know who done it.
♪♪
I'm glad you're back, Festus.
I've done saw the marshal.
Ever so much
obliged to you, Doc.
If you don't mind, I'd like
to talk to her by herself.
Thank you, Festus.
I sure am powerful sorry, girl.
Just powerful.
I know you're ashamed.
I got no right to
ask forgiveness.
Well, you're... you're
lookin' real pretty,
but you're sure talkin' dumb.
Well, I ain't fit
for marryin' now.
You quit that.
You're gentle and
fine just like your ma.
And I-I want you
to keep thinkin' that.
- Nothin' else.
- Well, it ain't easy.
I... never sh-should've went off
and left you at all.
Now, you-you tell me
about the man, Mayblossom.
Well...
I don't know his name,
but he knows you.
Um, first day I rode up,
you and him had a fistfight.
Talked about you beatin'
him at poker and things.
I'll tell Doc to stay
with you till I get back.
Festus...
um, I'll thank you
not to be long.
It won't take long.
Reckon she's gonna
be fit enough, Doc?
She'll be all right, Festus.
It's-it's gonna take
a little while, though.
Well, I got me a
ways to go, so...
stay with her and help
her all you can, will you?
I will.
Stand up.
Festus? Well...
Well, you was away...
Get to your feet.
Huh?
I've came straight
from Mayblossom.
♪♪
Well, I heard the shots.
Did you kill him?
I did.
Who was it?
Lon Harder.
♪♪
Giddap.
Doc?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
You were supposed to
stay here till I got back.
Well, I think you'll find
she's in pretty good
hands right now, Festus.
Giddap.
Whoa.
Festus.
I can't hardly
believe it myself.
Well, give me
something to go on, girl.
I never heard of
introducing Haggens.
This here is cousin Feeder.
Oh, ain't, neither.
It is. Say it is so,
Cousin Feeder.
Clag Haggen's boy, Festus.
Why, you little
old scudder, you.
You-you... you ate your
share right along, didn't you?
- Good seeing you, Festus. Yes.
- It's good to see you.
Feel him, Festus. Feel him.
Not an ounce of fat on him.
Just nice and big.
So, that's the way
things stand, huh?
Yup, that's the
way things stand,
but it can't be,
and you know it can't.
Well, Mayblossom remarked
how she stopped
to visit you folks,
but she didn't say
anything more than that.
There wasn't any more to say.
I just saw him and felt for him.
Seems like he did
the same for me.
I rode clean up
from Texas to tell her.
I was just a-busting
inside with it.
Uh-huh. Well.
We know we ain't got
the right to each other.
I'm gonna marry you, Festus,
like our daddies shook on,
but I-I can't hide my
true feelings from you.
Well, she was gave to me.
You-you know about that.
Yeah, I know all there is
to know about Mayblossom.
I was just telling him how...
Now, you stop
that, and I mean it.
If you're gonna get picky,
I'll just throw
you out right now.
Mayblossom knows, what
happened don't matter to me a bit,
but if you want to
try throwing me out...
I'm here to oblige you, Cousin.
Well, now, that's
proud Haggen talk.
I'll shake your hand on that.
You hanker for this big
bush, do you, Mayblossom?
Oh, I sure do, Festus.
Well, ain't nobody's
got more of a right
to give her away than I have.
Oh, Feeder!
You'll find us a parson, Festus?
Well, if you two think
you can spare me,
I'll fetch one right now.
She'll-she'll take
some gentling.
I'll gentle her, Festus.
Oh, I'll gentle her.
- Oh, Feeder.
- Oh.
Oh, we got us a long
ways to go, Mayblossom.
All right, Mr. Haggen.
Doc, you know
it still ain't too late
for you to grow that beard.
Well, now I'm gonna give that
a lot of serious
thought, Mayblossom.
- All right.
- You folks ought to get started.
Oh, Festus,
I don't know how to thank you.
You've made me real happy.
Well, I done the
best thing I could
by not marrying up with you.
So long, Festus.
Sure been good seeing you.
Been good seeing
you, too, Feeder.
Come on, Mayblossom.
Why, thank you.
Be sure and say
hi to-to Clag for me.
Sure will.
Marshal, be sure and
take care of Festus for me.
I'll sure do that, Mayblossom.
All right.
- So long.
- Bye now. -So long.
Giddap, Lou.
Well, Festus, you know,
I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to keep you here with me
till the judge gets here.
Well, much obliged
for not letting
Mayblossom know about it.
You know, I don't think
you're gonna get a jury
in Dodge to convict you, Festus.
You, Matt?
Oh, I don't think so, Doc,
under the circumstances.
But you're fixing to throw
me in jail anyhow, huh?
I got to.
That don't surprise me.
Don't make a lick of sense,
but it don't surprise me none.
According to this level,
there ain't a thing in town
that sits like it ought to.
The whole blame
town slopes downhill.
I reckon that's what throws
the whole bunch of you
kind of out of kilter.
♪♪