Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 5, Episode 16 - Thick 'N' Thin - full transcript

A quarrel between two partners in homesteading escalates to the point of gunfire. Matt tries to make peace between them by locking them up together.

Starring James
Arness as Matt Dillon.

Hey, there's ol' Otie Perkins.

I haven't seen him
around for a long time.



Yeah.

You know, I always figured he
was a little bit touched in the head.

Oh, he's harmless.

Marshal, I came here to
get protection of the law,

and I want every bit of it... Army
and Navy included, if need be!

Hold on just a minute
there now, Otie.

Now, what reason do
you got for needin' all that?

I got reasons that
go back 15 years.

I want to swear out an
injunction... A bench warrant...

To keep that low-livered
scum off my property

and banished from
the territory and, uh...

And uh, horse whipped to boot
if you can work it in somehow.



Now, you wouldn't be
talking about your partner

by any chance, would ya?

I sure am. Brace McCoy.

And I hate to have the
sneaky name cross my lips.

Now, you and Brace
McCoy have been partners

as long back as I
can remember, Otie.

Not no more, we ain't.

I want him thrown
clean off my place!

Well, just a minute.

As I remember, you
homesteaded that place together.

You're joint tenants, you know.

He's got as much
right to it as you have.

I want to get a fella throwed
off of my property, Marshal.

And that's a fact.

I see.

You wouldn't by any chance be
referring to Otie here, would ya?

That's the man, Marshal. But
him and me ain't speakin' no more.

You're darn right we
ain't, now nor never!

I'll sign them papers
now if'n you'll write 'em up.

I got here first, Marshal.

That little varmint can't read.

Why, he can't even write.

I can make as good an
X as you can any day!

All right, now why don't
both of you shut up a minute

and tell me what
this is all about?

Well... Come on, let's have it.

Well, it's... it's a little
personal, Marshal.

I'd rather not say.

I see.

You've known
each other 15 years.

You've lived together.
You built a place together.

Now, you're gettin' ready to kill each
other and you can't say why, huh?

I'm a little particular
who I live with.

I want this here little sidewinder
thrown off of my property

and out of my house, Marshal.

- It ain't your house!
- It is my house!

No, sir, it's my house!

All right, now just a minute.
I want to tell you something.

As far as I'm concerned,
you're joint tenants on that place,

and I've got no legal reason
to throw either one of you off.

I've already offered to
buy him out, Marshal.

I ain't a-budgin',
and that's a fact!

All right.

If you two can't settle
this between yourselves,

I'll have to settle it for ya.

Come on inside.

Come on. Didn't you hear him?

All right, now, you men
both own that ranch.

You're both gonna have to
stay on it and run it 'til it's sold.

That's right, Marshal.

I ain't budgin'.

As I remember, you got
a pretty good house there

and a good barn.

One of you stays in the barn.

The other one
stays in the house.

High man takes his choice.

All right.

7 of clubs.

Jack of clubs.

All right, Otie,
what's your choice?

I'll take the barn. It don't smell
so much like Brace McCoy.

You sawed-off little gopher.

If you so much as
step near my house...

Now listen to me, both of you.

If there's any more trouble between
you, I'm gonna run you in here,

and you're gonna
sell that ranch from jail.

You understand?

I'll be gettin' on
out to my house.

That big tub of lard
don't scare me one bit!

Hello, Kitty.

Well, Matt.

You're as welcome a sight as...

a hunter's moon
through a Tamarack bush.

Well, now. You're in
a poetical mood today.

You sound like a singin'
chief of the Cherokees.

No. Kiowa.

That's her tribe.

Whose tribe?

Summer Dove's.

She was helping me sew
some dresses this afternoon.

Summer Dove. Summer Dove.

You remember her.

She's the woman that left
the reservation last spring

and went to work at Moss
Molly's boarding house.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She's a good seamstress.

Darn good cook, too.

Of course, she's a little lost
since Moss Molly went back east.

Mm.

Well, why don't we
have a drink to her?

I have tasted the morning
wind from the south,

and my heart beats
the lark's song.

That's somethin'
Doc always says.

It means "Sure,
I'll have a drink."

All right. Okay.

Oh, Matt, golly, I was
just lookin' for you.

You know, I just came in
from out by the flats there,

and I passed that
McCoy-Perkins ranch,

and those two... Well,
they got a war goin' on.

What do you mean?

Well, it's terrible.

One of 'em's barricaded
himself in the barn,

and the other one's
holed up in the house,

and they're shootin'
at each other.

Sounds like the
Battle of Richmond.

Well, I haven't heard
from them for three days.

I was kind of hopin' maybe
they'd cooled off a little.

Oh, they haven't.
My gosh, it's terrible.

Well, guess I'm gonna have
to put off that drink, Kitty.

But I'm sure Doc will have one.

Oh, sure. I tasted
the morning wind...

Yeah. And your heart
beats the lark's song.

Oh...

Hold your fire!

Otie, is that you in there?

You're darn tootin' it is.

And I ain't gonna let that big hunk
of wolf bait dislodge me, either.

Well, I'm gonna dislodge ya.

Now I'm going to give you just
five seconds to throw that rifle out.

Oh, now wait a minute, Marshal.

You heard me!

Well, all right.

This ain't fair!

I ain't the one that started it.

Doggone it, you ought to
make Brace stop shootin', too!

Hold your fire, Brace!

Chester.

Yes, sir.

Take his rifle away from
him. Get his six-gun, too.

Yes, sir.

Marshal, this ain't fair!

You almost got me killed,

and I ain't gonna stand for it.

He was just takin'
potshots at ya.

He's not gonna kill
an unarmed man.

Oh, he wouldn't?

He'd shoot his own mother in
the back, Brace McCoy would.

Brace!

Get out of here, Marshal.
We got a private war goin' on!

Not anymore you don't.

Now, are you gonna stop
shootin', or am I gonna start?

All right, all right.

You got no cause
to get all lathered up.

Then quit jabberin'
and get on out here.

Sure, sure.

And you get his gun, Marshal.

I don't want him
takin' a shot at me.

Nobody's gonna shoot anybody.

I'll take the pistol, too.

You're treatin' me
like a criminal, Marshal.

You dirty rat! You
almost killed me!

I was just defending
myself, Marshal.

That grizzly little
gopher started it all.

He's a liar, Marshal,
and he always was.

Mr. Dillon, do we have
to stand here all day

and listen to these
two squabble?

Nope.

I guess about the only
thing I can do with you men

is to put you in separate cells
and see how you get along.

You're under arrest, both of ya.

- What for?
- Disturbin' the peace.

Well, you can't do that.

There ain't nobody
for miles around here.

Whose peace are we disturbing?

Mine.

Now, get your horses.

Well, good morning, boys.

How 'bout it? You about
ready to stop feuding?

Sure. If Brace will get
himself off my property.

I ain't budgin'.
And that's a fact.

I see. Kind of
like it here, huh?

A man can't forget
his principles, Marshal.

Principles? He ain't got no
more principles than a hungry wolf.

I'll bet you two don't even remember
what it was that started all this.

I can remember, all right.

He figured I wasn't fancying
up his vittles enough to suit him.

For a whole week, he didn't fix
nothin' but flapjacks in the mornin'

and hominy grits at night.

With side meats with 'em!

That weren't side meat.
That was sow belly.

And it wasn't fittin' to be ate.

And you know what he did?

When I put those
mashed grits on the table,

he threw them on the ground

and stomped on
'em with his boots on!

That's all they was fit for.

I can remember the time
you ate 'em every day!

You mean to tell me that it was

a little thing like that
that started all this?

Yeah. And I began to
realize I was livin' with a viper.

You can be mighty
mistook about a man.

All right, boys.

Just settle on back.

Now, wait a minute.

How long you goin' to
keep us in this cage?

Until you grow up!

Hello, Doc.

Hi.

What brings you out
so early in the day?

Well, I just came by for
some of Chester's poison here.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my gosh!

That stuff will kill
blackwater fever germ.

I noticed that you ain't dead
yet. You drunk a whole barrel of it.

- Here, why don't...
- Oh, don't!

Oh, Doc, look what
you made me do there!

What are you so jumpy about?

I'll tell ya, you two are
worse than they are.

Who? Oh, you mean those two?

Yep.

- They still at it?
- Yep.

Huh. Do you know what I figure
about those two stubborn ol' fools there?

They're probably
just dying to make up.

Yeah. I was thinkin' along
those lines myself, Doc.

Seems to me like they
could have shot each other

easy enough out there
at the ranch the other day

if they'd really wanted to.

Sure, they could.

Well, what can you do about it?

Well, Doc, I don't know.

I'm afraid if I turn 'em loose,

they're liable to kill
each other by accident.

Well... sadly,

my gosh, you just got
to keep 'em locked up.

That's all there is to it.

You can't do that. If you do,
they're goin' to die of old age.

I never seen two more
stubborn old men in my life.

You can't turn 'em
loose to commit mayhem.

Commit what?

Mayhem.

Well, Doc, they ain't gonna
do that. That's for sure.

Well, why not?

Well, you're the only one
around here knows what it means.

Say, Chester, I want you
to do something for me.

Yeah.

Now, there's an Indian
woman around town.

Of course, I hate to
be disturbin' you here.

Yeah.

There's an Indian woman around
town by the name of Summer Dove.

Now, Kitty knows where she is.

I want you to find her
and bring her back here.

Yeah... well, oh...
oh, well, all right.

Doc, I wouldn't do that.

Huh?

That's a whole day's work.

She... She come yet?

- Summer Dove?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. She was here
a couple of hours ago.

Oh well, I told her to and all.

You know, and I figured
you wouldn't need me,

and so I just stopped by the
stable to see how Moss was doin'.

Mm-hmm.

How much did you lose?

Huh?

How much did you lose
to Moss matchin' dimes?

Uh... well, how'd you know?

Look, do me a favor, will ya?

Take this letter down to
Mr. Knight at the depot.

And get it off, will ya?

It's all fixed, Marshal.

Ah, Summer Dove. Right in there.

How do you do, ma'am? Miss Dove.

Chester very polite
for a white man.

Smelled kind of good, didn't it?

We'll save some for you.

Yeah. Well...

Boys, I'd like to have
you meet a friend of mine.

This is Summer Dove.

- Howdy!
- Hi.

I thought you fellas might be gettin'
a little tired of your food around here,

so she very kindly offered
to fix you up some vittles.

They couldn't be goin'
to hang us, could they?

I don't know.

They always feed a man good

before they hang him,
don't they, Marshal?

Don't you worry, Otie.
Nobody's gonna hang you...

Not unless you murder somebody.

Here.

Antelope stew. My own style.

What's them weeds doin' in it?

Not weeds. Kiowa
herbs for taste.

You no like it,
you throw it out.

Well, don't get
your back in a hump.

It sure smells
pretty good, Brace.

It does.

Biscuit?

Thank you.

Hot biscuit?

Uh-huh.

Well, Summer Dove, wouldn't
you like to come out and sit down?

Sure, Marshal.

That don't taste bad after all.

Mmm. I... I don't know
what she done to it,

but that's the best
antelope I ever tasted.

Must be them
weeds she put in it.

Mmm. Mighty savory weeds.

Otie: Hey, Marshal!
Marshal Dillon!

Get that woman back in here!

How's that?

We want some more of that stuff.

Yeah. It's the best I ever ate.

Mm-hmm.

All right, but first I want to tell
you about Summer Dove, boys.

Now, she needs a place to live,
and she's willing to work for it.

What's you gettin' at?

Now, as I recall, you got a pretty good
tack room out there in that barn of yours.

It could be fixed up
pretty comfortable.

That is, if you want to take on
about the best cook in Ford County.

It's okay with me, Marshal.

I could eat like that three times
a day without bein' bitter about it.

Me too!

Of course, I'd
be eatin' alone...

in my house.

Otie: If she cooks in the tack
room, she'll serve meals in the barn.

She'd expect to serve a pig
like you in the barn, wouldn't she?

Now, wait a minute, you two.

I should have cut your
throat before I ever saw ya!

You would think of a dirty
thing like that, you little weasel.

But you'd probably bleed yellow.

You won't live to see it.

Good mornin', Chester.

Mornin', Mr. Dillon.

Well, how are the boys today?

Oh, they're worse than ever.

I brung them their
coffee this morning.

That Otie tried to
throw his all over Brace,

made him madder than a
steer caught in a thorn picket.

I don't know what
to do with 'em.

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Dillon.

I just... I don't think they're
ever gonna stop fightin'.

I think you ought to just turn
'em loose and let 'em have at it.

You know something? I
think you got an idea there.

Huh?

Only I'm not gonna
turn 'em loose.

What are you gonna
do with their guns?

Otie: Chester! Chester!

Yeah.

Chester!

All right.

I want some coffee.

Well, Otie, if you and Brace
hadn't had such a fit this morning,

you'd have had your coffee.

Never mind the lecture!

Give me some coffee!

Forget about the coffee.

All right, you two.

I'm sick and tired
of your arguing.

Now, get it settled,
once and for all.

Now, look here, Marshal.

Wait a minute!

Well?

Well, what?

Well, grab your gun.

You grab yours.

All right, I will.

What are you gonna do?

You don't think I'm
gonna stand here

and let you shoot me
right in the eye, do ya?

You always was a big
coward, Brace McCoy!

Chester: Shh.

Shh. Be quiet, Doc.

What's the matter?

Well, I told ya to be quiet.
Ain't you got no respect?

Respect for who?

Otie Perkins and Brace McCoy.

They're about to kill
theirselves in there.

Matt, would you mind
translatin' that for me?

Well, I'm afraid
he's right, Doc.

I got tired of their nonsense,
and I gave 'em back their guns.

Well, I sure came
to the right place.

Business has been
a little bad lately.

You know, Doc, you're just
about as cold as a fish froze in ice.

No feelin's at all.

He serious? You
give them their guns?

I sure did.

Well, that's the craziest
thing I ever heard of.

I got ya, Brace.

I got you right where
I always wanted ya.

Okay, Otie.

You win.

Go ahead, shoot.

You bet I'll shoot.

Prepare to die, Brace.

You're about to pay for all
the nasty things you done.

Go ahead, get it over with.

I can't do it.

Brace, I can't do it.

I can't do it.

Well, I can!

You had your chance, Otie.

Now, you're gonna die.

I can't do it, either, Otie.

I just ain't got
the stomach for it.

Otie: Marshal! Marshal Dillon!

We've been sort
of talkin' things over,

and we kind of like that
nice Indian gal's cookin'.

Don't we, Brace?

Yeah. Yeah, we sure do.

And we thought maybe if she
came out to the house, like you said,

we'd eat pretty good.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that was the idea.

And, Marshal, she can
serve the meals in the house.

Otie can eat there,
if'n he wants to.

Chester, turn 'em loose.

I'm beginning to see
through this whole thing.

Pretty smart.

Worked out pretty good, huh?

Well, boys, you'll find Summer
Dove over at Miss Kitty's.

They're having a sewing
bee there this morning.

Oh, that's a shameful waste
of a good cook's talents.

Let's go save her, Otie.

I'm with ya, Brace.

Goodbye, Marshal. Doc. Chester.

Bye, everybody.

Brace.

Mr. Dillon, they
forget their guns.

Oh well, I'll take 'em, Chester.

They'll be back for 'em
before they leave town.

Those two were too excited
about that Indian cook

to think of anything
else right now.

Well, I'll tell you
somethin', Mr. Dillon.

You took an awful chance there
givin' them loaded guns like that.

Well, they could've
killed theirselves.

For heaven's sake, Chester.

Looks like you had
everybody fooled but me, Matt.

What do you mean?

Go ahead, tell him, Doc.
You got it all figured out.

Well, the guns ain't loaded.

They wasn't?

Oh.

Well, of course, Doc. Now,
why didn't I think of that?

Doc, let me tell you something.

You know, if I'd given them unloaded
guns, they'd have known it right off.

Wouldn't have proved a thing.

Watch this.

It's a funny thing, isn't it?

Sometimes it takes a loaded
gun to prove a friendship.

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