Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 3, Episode 17 - Joe Phy - full transcript

Matt and Chester travel to the small town of Elkader to arrest would-be killer Kerry Post, but find they must first expose a bogus U.S. Marshal in order to lure him into town.

...starring James Arness
as Matt Dillon.

Hello, Kitty.
Hello, Matt.

You out spending
your money?



Well, easy come,
easy go.

I'll give you a hand
with those. Oh, thank you.

Marshal...
Matt!

Matt...

Matt, are you
hurt bad?

No, I'm all right, Kitty.

I'll go get Doc.

Oh... Doc!

He's been hit.

He hit him.

Who? Who?
I don't know.

I never saw
him before.



I've seen him.
Where? Who'd you see?

On a wanted circular-
his name's Carey Post.

Where's he
from, Matt?

He's from up around Elkader.

Well, come on.
It's not too bad.

Let's get up to
the office, though.

I got to dig
it out.

I've been meaning to get up
to Elkader.

I'm sure going now.

Well, you're
not going today.

A couple of
weeks maybe.

Come on,
let's get up there.

Kitty, I...
Oh, Matt...

I'm sorry about
your packages.

Just get on up
to Doc's office

before you bleed
to death.

Go on.

All right.
I'll see you later.

What if they don't sell
beer in there, Mr. Dillon?

You know, there's
some places that don't.

Well, in that case,

we'll just have to drink
soda water, I guess.

Soda water?

You mean after pounding
across the prairie there

for nigh on to a week?

Let's go see.

How's your shoulder?

Oh, it's all right.

A little stiff.

What'll it be,
gentlemen?

You got beer?
Sure.

Make it a couple then.
Right.

Grimes my name.
Cicero Grimes.

But I ain't askin' yours.

Just want to welcome you
to Elkader, gentlemen.

And I... If you'd
like to buy me

a little glass of beer,

I'll answer any
question you like.

You know, providing...

I'll talk to you
if you're honest.

'Cause I don't like
to talk to no crooks.

All right, Grimes.

Make that three
beers, will ya?

Just call me Cicero.

Elkader, pretty lively town,
Cicero?

I mean, you know,
later in the day?

Well, it was,
and it ain't.

Oh... What?

Well, it was lively,
and it ain't no more.

Why is that?

Joe, Joe Phy, he done it.

Since he been here,

ain't' been a good
gunfight in town.

Who's Joe Phy?

Who's Joe Phy?!

Three beers.

Yeah, tell me about this Phy.

Oh, he don't
bother me none.

It's them wild ones
like Carey Post

and all.

Did you say Carey Post?

Yeah, he's holed up
someplace

out there
in the country.

Come riding into town
a couple weeks ago

and Joe Phy run him
right on out of town.

Him and some of them

other gunmen.

What'd he do that for?

'Cause like I said,
they was gunmen,

and troublemakers,

and Joe Phy,
he don't stand for that.

Let's sit down, shall we?

Take a table?

I'm kind of saddle weary.

Oh, this...

Yeah, that's some better there. Yeah.

Tell me, this Joe Phy
must be quite a gunman, huh?

None better.

That so?
Mm.

Been here over a month
and nobody's faced him yet.

Well, if nobody's
faced him,

how do you know he's such

a gunman and all?

Oh, you can tell.

What's his game?

Why does he want
to run Elkader?

It's his job.

His job?

Yeah, he's a
United States marshal.

He's a what?

Yeah, a U.S. Marshal.
What's wrong with that?

Oh, land's sakes,
everybody knows

there's just one marshal
to the territory.

Yeah, yeah, and that
must be this Joe Phy.

But you don't have to worry-
he's not going to be after you.

That's right, he won't
bother you none.

But you look like
a gunman to me.

No offense meant.
Don't make no difference to me

one way or the other,

but Joe Phy's going to run you
right out of town

the minute he
lays eyes on you.

Maybe we better go
stable our horses

and get something
to eat, huh?

I'm kind of hungry.

That restaurant across
the street any good?

No, it's terrible, but
it's the only one we got.

Well, I guess we'll have
to eat there then.

Well, thanks for
the beer, gentlemen.

Sure.

Well... let's sit down
and rest our dinner, huh?

That was some dinner.

Hog back and pinto beans-
a week old.

At least the coffee
was fresh anyway.

Well, no restaurant can serve
everything bad, Mr. Dillon.

Lookee there, would ya?
Hmm?

That must be Joe Phy.

Yeah.

Remember what
I told you now.

Oh, don't worry, I ain't
gonna say a thing.

I haven't seen you men
in Elkader before.

Haven't been here before.

You staying long?

Hadn't really
thought about it.

You know who I am?

It's, uh,
Marshal Phy, isn't it?

You've heard
about me then.

Yeah.

Well, good,
that'll save us some time.

I don't like gunmen
in Elkader.

You sure move in
fast, Marshal.

Perhaps.

But you men make trouble here,

and I'll kill either
or both of you.

Like that.

Guess you've killed
a lot of men, huh?

Every one
that's ever crossed me.

How many is that?

I don't keep count.

Uh-huh.

Wha-hoo!

Yee-hoo!

Yee-hoo!

You see that?

My gosh,
if the marshal sees you,

you're going to be
in the hoosegow in two minutes.

Might even shoot you

till you're dead just for
something like that.

I don't stand for that
around here.

You're going to stop him, huh?

If I have to kill him.

There ain't no need
for that, Mr. Dillon.

He's just looking
for a little pleasure.

...that around here.

Tell him, tell him, boys,
or he's gonna get in trouble.

Now come on in...

That man didn't know.

He hadn't been in town
since I took over.

Well, he's mild
as milk all right.

Well, he should thank
his friends

for telling him
what would happen.

They saved his life.

You sure keep a tight town here,
Marshal.

No one's dared fight me... yet.

Yeah.

See that you remember.

Of all the mean, blowed-up,
hogheaded men that I ever seen,

he sure takes the cake.

He's got them all
buffaloed, Chester.

Yeah, he sure has got...
Buffaloed?

You... What do you mean?

You mean that he ain't
no gunfighter at all?

Nope.

You see the way he
handled that cowboy?

Yeah?

Let those other men
do his fighting for him.

It's like that
Cicero said-

I bet he's never
even pulled a gun.

He lets his reputation
fight for him.

Oh, well...

Well, what is he then?

I don't know.

But I got to get rid of him,

because Post won't come back
into town as long as he's here.

I can't let him find
out who I am either.

Come on.

Where we going?

Well...

I'll tell you what.

I'm going over to
the general store.

You go down to the saloon
and pick up Cicero.

I'll meet you
over at the stable.

All right.
About a half hour.

All right.
Okay.

Three dollars...

They sure gave me a
three dollar gun.

Where's the
ammunition for it?

I didn't get any.

If that thing ever went off,
it's liable to blow up.

Say, Marshal Dillon...

Look, Cicero,

you're not going to call me
Marshal Dillon, remember?

That's going
to give me away.

Yeah, I forgot.

But I've been thinking
about that Joe Phy.

Supposing he's a better gunman
than you got him figured for?

Chester and I are going
to be right there with you.

Yeah, but something
could go wrong,

and I could get shot.

Cicero, you don't
have to do it.

I know.

Oh, I'll do it, all right.

I think it's a man's duty
to help the law when he can.

You know, Cicero, you're
going to be quite a hero

when this thing's over.

Oh, yeah, everybody's going
to be buying you drinks

from here on out, Cicero.

You're going to be famous,
like George Washington

or one of
them fellas.

Hey, that would be
something, wouldn't it?

You betcha.

Mr. Dillon, how come
that you picked me

for this kind of job?

After all, I'm sort

of a worthless fella.

No, you're not, Cicero.

I ain't?

Right now you're the most
important man in Elkader.

I am?

You're the man that's going
to show up Joe Phy.

I hope nothing bad happens.

Well, of course something
could always go wrong

in a deal like this.

I wouldn't try to fool you
about that.

Hey, that's what I like
about you, Dillon-

you never try to hide
nothing from me.

You all set?
Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.
Good.

Here, I tell you, I better
hold on to this.

Chester will be by for
you in about an hour.

I'll be there.

Oh, Cicero...

Here.

Buy yourself
a couple of beers.

Oh, thanks.
I can sure use it, believe me.

It's kind of scary for me to do
something like this, you know.

I'll be waiting.
Good.

Here, Chester, you...
Huh? Oh.

better keep that.

What's that for?

Well, you never know
when you might need it.

I didn't know that I was
gonna be a hero, too.

Everybody's going to be
a hero around here.

Everybody except Joe Phy.

You all set, Cicero?

Yeah, I guess so.

Come on, let's get
this gun on you.

Boy, this town's sure
going to be surprised

when they see me.

Yeah, especially
that Joe Phy.

Yeah. I just hope Mr. Dillon
here's right about him.

Otherwise, tonight I could be
sleeping six feet under.

Cicero, I'm going to be watching
him just as close as I can.

Well, you better be.

That looks about
right, Cicero.

You know what you're
going to do now?

Yeah, I got it all.
I think I have.

Well, don't think
about it too hard.

Just let it
come to you.

You'll do all right
once you get out there.

I hope so.
Come on.

Now don't worry, Cicero,
because we're going to have you

covered from here
the whole time.

Now remember, when you get out
in the middle of the street,

Chester's going to fire
a couple of shots

and then you start
hollering, okay?

All right,
good luck to you.

I sure wish I had
had a couple of more beers.

Yippee! Phy! Joe Phy!

Marshal, come on out
and play!

Where are you, Joe?!

Come on out here!

Come on out of your hole!

Yippee!

What's the matter with you,
Cicero?

What are you doing
with that gun?

This gun's for shooting.

Take it off.

Guess you didn't hear
me very good.

I said this gun's for shooting.

And I said take it off
before I kill you.

Go ahead and kill me
if you think you can.

You must be drunk.

Be better for you
if I was drunk, but I ain't.

'Cause I do my
best gunfighting

when I'm cold sober.

Cicero, have you gone crazy?

I'll tell you something,
Joe Phy.

I hang around in that saloon

so's I can forget
all the men I killed.

And sometimes I can't.

Then I just got to
put my gun on

and go looking for
somebody else to kill.

He ain't making
much sense, is he?

Doesn't matter.

You're lying, Cicero Grimes.

You're drunk and you're lying.

Oh, am I?

Get your hand away
from that gun.

Gotta pull it out of the holster
before I can shoot you.

Now I've had enough of this.

Cicero, you get your hands up
before I kill you.

I ain't gonna do nothing
you say.

You can't hurt me.
You can't hurt me at all.

There ain't no man in the world
can beat me and you know it.

I don't know it.

I ain't never
seen you shoot.

Nobody has.

He's talking crazy.

Now for the last time, Cicero,

you get your hands off that gun.

Not hardly.

Do what I tell you.

Aw, Phy, watch me.

I'm about to draw.

Watch me, everybody.

No, wait. Wait, Cicero.

Cicero, listen to me.

I'll make it easy
on you, Phy.

I'll shoot you in the head
so's you don't suffer too much.

Maybe right
in the nose.

No, wait.

Cicero, get your hand away
from that gun.

I'm gonna kill you, Phy.

I'm gonna do it now.

No, don't kill me.

Don't... don't shoot.

Don't shoot me,
Cicero. I...

I won't draw on you.

I-I was only fooling.

Yeah, you was only fooling.

Put... put the gun down, Cicero.

Please, put it down.

You're all through,
fooling, Joe Phy.

Get your hands up!

Give me that gun.

Come on, everybody!

I've tamed your lion!

Don't move!
Stand right there!

See? And lookit, fellas.

The gun wasn't even loaded!

Why don't you
find a horse

and ride on out
of town, Marshal?

Calls himself
a U.S. Marshal

and he was lying
all the time.

Get him in there!

Come on!

Get in there!

Go on!

You did all right,
Cicero.

He done it,
Mr. Dillon.

Yeah.

You know, I...

I kinda feel sorry
for that Phy, though.

Oh, Cicero...!

Looks like he's
a hero already.

I'm gonna talk
to Joe Phy, Chester.

I'll see you later.

Like to talk to you
a minute, Phy.

Can't... can't you
leave me alone?

I'm not gonna hurt you.

You're not?

But you're a gunman

and I talked rough
to you this afternoon.

Just want to ask you
a couple of questions.

Couple questions?

Why didn't you draw
on him out there?

What?

I said why didn't you
draw on that man out there?

Oh...

Well, I don't know.

I just... I just couldn't.

How about this marshal business?

I'm not a marshal.

I bought this badge.

Whose idea was that?

It was mine.

Nobody put me up to it.

I just always wanted
to be a lawman.

I guess I should have known

something
would happen.

You mean to say you came here
and pretended to be a marshal

and a gunfighter just as kind
of a game or something?

Yeah, I did that.

Kinda like a kid, huh?

Hmm?

Yeah. Yeah, like a kid.

I guess you're right.

Only nobody ever got hurt...

when I was marshal.

Didn't you ever stop to think
that you might get killed?

No, I never thought of that.

I'm-I'm not a...
a crook, mister.

I... I never did anything bad.

Where you from, Phy?

Um, um...

I'm from New York State.

I ran away from there
when I was 15.

I've been farming back in Ohio.

I studied about
real gunfighters;

how they talk
and they acted.

Well, it was pretty easy
to fool people...

in a little town like Elkader.

I see.

Well, I...

I'd, uh, I'd like
to go now, mister.

I want to... I want to
get out of this town.

Sure.

No offense, mister,
but... but I hope

I never have to face
any of you people again.

Phy...
Hmm?

Just one thing.

What's... what's that?

You go in wearing a gun,

somebody's gonna kill you.

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

You know, I never...
wore a gun in my life

till I came to Elkader.

Always wanted to,
but...

guess I never dared.

Well, it was fun
while it lasted.

So long.

So long, Phy.

Have another drink, Cicero.

This one's
on the house.

Hurray for Cicero!
He showed him!

He showed you, all of you,

getting taken in by
a fake like Joe Phy.

By golly,
you're right.

We plumb got taken in.

Cicero, give me that gun.

Oh, no. What for?

Come on, Cicero,
give me the gun.

I'm gonna put it
up there

where the whole
town can see it

just to remind them how
they all got took in.

That's a good idea!

Shoot that in here again and
I'll crack your head open.

I tell you, Mr. Dillon,

they gone just
plumb crazy.

Ain't you gonna stop them?

Well, how can I stop them,
Chester?

If I let them know
who I am,

why, this Post
will never come into town.

You calling
me a liar?!

Nobody calls
me a liar!

Forever more, Mr. Dillon,
you gotta do something.

Nothing we can do,
Chester.

Come on, let's go.

I'm sure getting
sick and tired of this town.

So am I, Chester.

Been here most
of the week now.

Dangdest most lawless town
that I ever run into.

Uh-oh.

What?

Carey Post, Chester.

He just rode
into town.

Come on.

Post.

What are you
doing here?

Did you think
I was dead?

I was drunk.

I took a shot at
the law, that's all.

There was nothing personal
in it.

Yeah?

Now, look, Marshal,
you weren't hurt bad.

You're wanted for murder, Post.

Uh-huh.

So they put out a circular
on me, did they?

Yeah.

Guess they forgot
to send you one.

I didn't kill
nobody, Marshal.

They got me all wrong.

Then you got nothing
to worry about, have you?

You don't believe me.

You're going back
to Dodge, Post.

You're gonna stand trial.

Oh, no.

Give me your gun.

That's a real
U.S. Marshal.

Matt Dillon,
Dodge City.

That's him.

You got him, Mr. Dillon.

We got what
we come after.

Yeah.

I'm kinda sorry it had
to work out this way, though.

What do you mean?

Oh, I don't know.

I just... I just hate to have
to humiliate and destroy

a man like Joe Phy.

You stop to think of it,

he was doing a pretty good job
keeping the peace here.

Oh. Yeah, well...

Yeah, everything's
peaceful enough now.

Hmm? Oh, yeah.

Peaceful enough now, all right,
till we leave town.

Yep, you know, it's too bad

we couldn't have left
Joe Phy alone.

He was doing a pretty good job.

Come on.

All right,
Post, let's go.