Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 20, Episode 6 - The Wiving - full transcript

A seriocomic (and uneasy) episode where a overmodulated farmer (Harry Morgan with a huge fake beard) decides his three sons all need wives...

With Milburn Stone as Doc...

Ken Curtis as Festus...

Buck Taylor as Newly...

And starring James
Arness as Matt Dillon.

Wives!

Bible says a man should
leave his father's house

and to cleave one to his wife.

High time you boys
got to work on it.

Grandkids!

I want to see grandkids
swarming this place!

We come West to
make the Hockett mark,



and I don't wanna
be laid to rest

wondering who's
gonna carry on after.

Alright, Pa, alright.

And just where are we
supposed to find these wives!

We don't know
nobody in these hills.

No one of us except you
has ever been out of this valley

since we got here.

He's right, Pa.

Where we supposed to find 'em?

Go down to a town, boy.

Get some town women!

Pa, once we get there,

how are we supposed
to go about it?

I can lead you
to the well, Luke.



But, you're supposed to
have the common sense

to stick your face in
the water and drink.

I can't do everything for you.

What's your complaint, boy?

Well, to tell you the truth, pa,

I just ain't never given much
thought to takin' me a wife.

Shows you how lucky you are.

I've done all the
thinking for ya.

Now, you boys get the
wagon hitched and get moving.

Get moving!

Shep.

Luke.

Hey, Pa!

What if these town
women won't have us, huh?

You're Hocketts!

Any woman that would turn down

a honorable proposal of
marriage from a Hockett

don't deserve to take the name.

You remember that!

Well, if all that drinking
and gambling wasn't enough,

I found out he was
running around on the sly

with Jennie Lane, and I
thought she was my best friend.

Well, naturally, there was
nothing left for me to do

but pack up my
bags and take off.

And, that's not what I
wanted to do, mind you.

As I could see it, I didn't
have any other choice.

I mean, after all, a
girl's got her pride.

And, anyway, if I was just
gonna let him stop all over me,

I mean, I couldn't see
what kind of marriage

we were gonna have at all.

Well, she carries on, don't she?

Well, everybody can't be
as refined and quiet as I am.

Oh, well of course not.

Certainly not.

Gold-plated fact.

You know the last fella
that propositioned me,

I was almost a fallen
woman before I could say no.

- Well, I'll declare, you don't say so.
- I do.

Being around Festus,

I've had to learn to
talk out of self-defense.

Well I'm glad somebody
knows him as well as I do.

I should have known, though.

I mean even on our wedding
night, he was so drunk

he passed out.

Can you believe a
man did that to a girl

on her wedding night?

Yup.

That's it. C'mon, man.

I'm buying.

Doc, excuse me.

Sure, I'm going to bed.

- Night.
- Goodnight.

Emily, honey.

Now, I don't wanna
hurt your feelings,

but when a cowboy
offers to buy you a drink,

I want you to try real hard,

think of something
else to talk about.

These boys have been out on
the trail for three months now,

and they just aren't
all that interested

in the problems of you
and your ex-husband.

That's strange.

I think it's fascinating.

You'll wish you didn't!

All right!

Let her go!

Get off her!

Did you hear what I just said.

Just get in here.

Now what was it this time?

Who started it?

She took a five dollar tip off that
poker game that belonged to me.

Liar!

The cowboy I was
sitting with won the pot.

She's lying.

I was sitting with him.

She scooted in when
she saw he was winning.

- I did not!
- All right, stop! Stop!

Right now, stop.

Enough!

Now, you're behaving
like two school girls.

And, if you don't stop it, I
am going to send you upstairs.

You hear me?

Whoa.

Pull that horse in
Shep or tie him up.

He's just like the rest of us.

You never been to town
before, have you boy?

A little skittish,
bout like you two.

And, you ain't, is that it?

Reckon not.

Any woman takes a
look at you boys can see

where you ain't
dumb, you're ugly.

Figure I'll have
all the pickin'.

I think it's about time for
me to whoop him again, Ike.

Wait 'til we get him home.

Pull up over there.

- Evening, boys.
- Evening, ma'am.

Howdy ma'am.

There you are. There's
something for you three to do.

See if you can't make
those boys happy,

and you two keep your claws in.

Floyd, bring a bottle.

Howdy, cowboy You
boys feel like a drink?

Well, I'll be, Ike.

I guess this here job's 'bout
as easy as Pa said it'd be.

What's he talkin' about?

Well, uh...

We came into town to get
us some wives, that's what.

Just thought you'd
ride in outta the hills

and fetch yourselves
some wives, is that it?

I don't believe it.

Now... I've been
married once already.

I wasn't exactly wild about
the idea first off myself,

but you're about
to change my mind.

That'll be two dollars, please.

Well, just don't stand there.
Give him that two dollars.

Me?

- You did the inviting, didn't ya?
- This ain't no social club.

You drink, you pay.

I'll be hanged first!

You better think again!

Now, listen, lady.

Is this clod buster
bothering you, Miss Franny?

Now, you back off, mister.

Now you move out of the way, I think
Ike's gonna start moving folks around,

when he moves 'em,
it's something to see.

A man can't come
and have a simple drink.

Hold it there, farmer.

What in the Sam Hill?

Here, here, here, here.

That's enough.

Now hold on, let him go.

Now why don't you
just sit down over there

before you get hurt.

It sure is fun coming to town.

How'd this get started?

- All well I tell ya...
- Well, Marshal...

All right quiet,
quiet all of ya.

All right, look.

I said quiet all of ya, quiet.

All right Fran,
how did this start?

That one right there, he
wouldn't pay for his whisky

after he ordered it.

You ordered it.

If it wasn't for you coming over
to our table and sitting down,

none of this would have
started in the first place.

All right, who hit who first?

That one over there.

He hit that cowboy first.

That the way it happened?

Yeah, she went and
made me so mad.

Hannah, how much
you figure the damage is?

Twenty-five dollars.

All right, I'll tell you
what I'll do with you boys.

You come up with $25
and give it to Hannah here,

I won't throw you in jail.

Twenty-five? We ain’t got
more than that between us.

Well, all right.

All right, Marshal, all right.

Boys, get it up.

Alright, come on.

That's good, that's good.

Ma'am.

Ever since I took
over this place

it's been nothing but trouble.

Why don't you boys go home
and think about what I told ya.

Next time you come to
Dodge you keep out of trouble.

That suits us
just fine, Marshal.

If I never see this town
again it'll be too soon.

Well, that's up to you.

What you waiting for, Luke?

Pa said for us to
get some wives, Ike.

We ain’t got none, and
he ain’t gonna like it.

We ain’t gonna
get any sitting in jail.

And that's where that marshal's gonna
put us if we don't get out of his town.

But, Pa said...

What he said was,
find some town women.

He didn't say how.

Shh.

Shh.

I don't know what you're
making such a fuss about.

It ain’t like I was
interrupting anything.

She bit me, Shep.

What did you expect
her to do, kiss ya?

What's going on
around here, what is this?

And what are we
gonna do with this one?

Well...

I know.

We'll take her home for Pa.

Shh.

How many do you think we need?

Thatuns for Pa.

We didn't have no choice, Ike.

She caught us.

Her!

Why'd you have
to go and grab her?

We just sort of
had to take pot luck.

I mean, besides,
maybe she'll grow on ya.

Ma'am, didn't mean
to bother you at all.

- See, Pa told us to come in...
- What's your name?

Luke, ma'am.

Well Luke, you say
one more word to me

and I'm gonna knock
you off of this wagon

and tramp on you, you
understand that now?

Yes, ma'am.

I remember one day in the bar...

Emily, suppose we hear
about it some other time.

Oh well, if that's the
way you feel Fran.

Leave Emily alone will you?

This is all your fault,
the way you played...

My fault!

The oldest
brother, that's right.

Cut it out, now.

All I need now is for
you two to start up.

You all comfy now?

Well, you...

I can't wait to see
where you boys live.

Ride 'em, Shep!

Ride 'em, cowboy.

Come on Rock, stay out
of the tread, whoa boy.

My momma always told me
to keep a safety pin close by.

You never know when
one'll come in handy.

Whoa boy, whoa.

Marshall.

Miss Hannah's missing.

- Three of the girls are, too.
- What?

Somebody broke open the
back door of the Long Branch.

Looks like a wagon
and two riders.

That tell ya something, Marshal?

Yeah, it tells me I should have
locked up those three boys last night

instead of letting them go.

Now what I'm asking you
worthless fool critters to do,

I'm asking ya to pull,

earn your feed for a change.

Now, everybody together.

One, two,

Hey.

Oh, my Lord.

Are you just gonna lay there,

or should we fill in the hole?

That mouth of yours
is gonna bring you

to grief one of these days boy.

Yeah.

Ah.

Middling, I'd have
to say middling.

You ladies step down.

You better do it.

Crazy as he is,

we don't wanna make him mad too.

You're mindful of my
second wife ma'am.

She had a good breach too.

Luke!

Ah.

Now what do you
suppose he meant by that?

Couldn't say.

Look, I'm not a
horse on auction.

A filly, that's what
you are, just a filly.

I guess it's youngest
and youngest.

Shep!

Coming, Pa.

Stop that grinning.

- Yes, sir.
- What are you grinning at?

Ah.

Ain't no use trying
to argue with him,

he just ain’t a reasonable man.

You'll get used to it, though.

You keep your
hands off me old man.

Got a nasty mouth.

Sounds like you and Ike
was made for each other.

Ike!

Pa, I ain’t getting
hitched up with her,

and that's all there is to it.

Boy, I said get over here,

it's gonna be you
and me head on.

We got one left over.

Brought her for you, Pa.

She say she wanted to come?

Well Pa, you couldn't rightly
say any of 'em wanted to come.

Your boys kidnapped us
mister, is what happened.

And in case you
don't realize it,

kidnapping's against the law.

You mean you stole 'em?

You mean you stole 'em?

Stole 'em?

Well, you said
for us to get wives.

Pa, we sort of run out
of time to work on it.

It seemed like the best way.

Worked didn't it?

I gotta think on that.

You boys take 'em up to the
house and get 'em started cleaning.

You stay here.

If you think I'm gonna clean and
scrub for you and your pack of idiots

- you've got another thing coming.
- Quiet!

Shut up!

On a Hockett farm,
them's don't work don't eat.

You think about
supper, little girl.

Be easier.

Smart Alec farm boy.

I just don't understand
that old man, I swear.

Can't say as I do, either.

I thought he'd be tickled.

Uh, maybe you don't
realize what kind of trouble

your boys are in, mister.

Now, the Marshall at Dodge
won't be long coming after us,

you'd be a lot better
off taking us back.

Any trouble they's
in, they's in because

they tried to what their
daddy told 'em to do.

If the law comes, we'll
abide by what is says.

But the fats in the fire now.

Figure we might as well
give 'em what time there is

and see if they take.

Why you crazy old coot.

You don't expect women that
were dragged out of their bed

in the middle of the night

and hauled up to some
God forsaken mountain

to start loving up
the men what done it!

Spirit, I like that.

You remind me of my first wife.

She could spit fire
and spin honey.

I just may come
a-courting after all.

Heavens, these curtains.

And look at these dishes.

Clear enough, a woman
hasn't set foot in this place

since it was built.

All right, Fran, you get
started on those dishes.

Sarah you grab the broom and
take it to the rest of the house.

Emily, go out and
get that big brother,

tell him to bring a
bucket of water in here,

and wash these windows,
so we can at least see out.

What?

Oh no, Miss Hannah.

You want us to do
what that old man said?

What I want is to get back to
Dodge as quick as possible.

Now, I don't expect the
Marshall until sometime tomorrow.

Meantime, we're not gonna
catch typhoid in this place.

Now come on, up, at 'em.

Up, come on.

This has got to be
the filthiest place

on the face of the Earth.

Kinda homey, I thought.

You thought.

Well, what makes you think
I wanna throw my life away

raising babies in these hills?

- Me.
- You?

Pardon me, but you don't look
like no king of France, sitting there.

I never said I was,

but I have got me a
piece of a good farm.

And the fastest pony who ever
came out of the Smokey Mountains.

Oh grand, a farm
and a fast horse.

Well, I'm going
to San Francisco.

Won't be long before I can
buy a whole string of horses,

twice as fast as that bay.

I'm going to be an actress.

Yeah, I heard some stories
about them stage ladies.

That's right.

They go around with rich
gentlemen in carriages.

They don't get
kidnapped out of saloons

and hauled across the
country in freight wagons

by a smart Alec farm boy.

I didn't think you
liked that saloon much.

So, there was Sam Sanger,

and I thought he was the most
inconsiderate man I ever met,

'til you and those brothers
of your come along.

Well anyway, the
night of our wedding,

I waited in our room 'til 2:00
a.m. for him to come up, 2 a.m.

Look at that clump
of green scum,

throw it out, get another.

Go on, throw it out.

And when Sam Sanger
did finally come in,

he was so drunk he passed out
right across the middle of the bed,

I couldn't move him an inch.

I didn't get a wink
of sleep all night.

Can you imagine that?

Ma'am, a man who'd hurt the
feelings of a pretty little thing like you

ought to be horse whipped.

Well, Luke...

I must say you're a
very sensitive person.

Pa... Pa she don't like me.

Now, I swear, if she liked me
I would marry her in a minute

just so you'd stop
hounding me on it.

Right, that's a woman in there.

They don't know what they
like, 'til some man tells 'em.

They like flowers.

Now, you get in
there and show her.

But Pa...

I swear I don't
know why that boy's

making it so hard on hisself.

Ma'am.

Us Hocketts got two full
sections of ground here.

My parts a full third...

'til Pa goes, of course.

Well, I er... got
a hill picked out

where I'm gonna build my house.

I figured I got good prospects,

and I thought it'd
be a good idea if...

we got ourselves married.

Miss er...

Miss er...

I don't believe it.

You stand there like a wax
dummy, proposing away,

and you don't even know my name.

But I...

And that after you
hauled me out of bed

in the middle of the night,

and throwed me around
like a sack of feed.

Don't you allow anything
for a woman's dignity?

Now, now the reason
I don't know your name

is 'cause you ain’t told me.

Now, you ain’t said a civil word
to me since the moment we met,

now it wasn't my idea to
bring you here in the first place,

been nothing but
trouble as far as I can see.

It's gonna be more trouble
when that marshal shows.

Now, I wouldn't even
be here if it wasn't for Pa.

And I could stand
anything else about you,

I couldn't stand the way

you let that old fool
push you around.

Wait a minute.

I don't care what
you say about me,

'cause I guess you got cause.

But nobody talks
down Pa, nobody.

Except maybe us boys.

I know he's hard to live with,

but he raised us up
almost mostly by hisself

and he did it right.

And what he's trying
to do now ain’t for him,

it's for us.

And er...

and I'm sorry I hit ya.

I ain’t never hit
a woman before.

Well, I guess you
ain’t the first to hit me.

Just get out of here, all right?

Nice night for a walk.

I guess you saw us.

You don't wanna go
back, do you Emily?

He wants me to stay.

I never wanted a life in
the saloons, Miss Hannah.

It, it just sort of happened,

after me and Sam
Sanger split up.

Maybe that's why I was
always talking about him,

because I hated playing
up to the cowboys so much.

Oh Luke may not
look like much to you,

but he wants good
things for me, and...

that makes him look
awful good to me.

Honey, you don't have
to give me reasons.

Girl I will dance
at your wedding.

Females, females.

On top of everything else,
that woman got my bed

and I'm sleeping in the barn.

Well, you're just gonna have
to quit fighting with her, brother.

That's all there is to it,

or else you're likely to spend
an awful lot of time out in the cold.

Well, we might all
spend a long time in jail...

when the Marshall shows.

And it's pretty cold
behind bars, too.

Anyway, I don't see you cosying
up to that little one, brother.

Yeah, well, sir,
I'm working on it.

I sure do like her, Pa.

I think I done her, Pa.

I think she's sweet on me.

Oh, you've done good work, boy.

Can't figure out them
brothers of yours, though.

What about that one we
brought back for you, Pa?

Oh, I just ain't put
my hand to it yet.

Time'll come.

You boys didn't give us much
chance to pack a suitcase,

and the girls are still in
the same night clothes.

I don't suppose you thought
to buy new night gowns

when you set this thing up.

Night gowns? Why,
woman, it's late spring,

you don't need
nothing to sleep in.

Of course if it's just
keeping warm you're after...

- Hockett!
- All right, all right...

Luke, go and fetch some
of them extra long johns.

Pass 'em around.

Long johns?

Say, why don't you
sit yourself down here,

warm your toes by the fire.

Have a drop of something sweet.

Now, you listen you old skunk,

I am tired, I've had a long day,

and I'm fed up with you,
your boys, and this mountain.

So, you get those
ideas out of your head.

Teasing.

Make a little cat and
mouse out of it, eh?

Well, I got a few of them kind
of games left in me, I guess.

Old man, you are
asking for trouble.

Trouble!

You just dish
it out little girl,

and old Jed
Hockett'll lick it up.

Oh, well Jed, I suppose
I'll just have to give in.

There's just some men that
women just can't stand up to.

Experience. I knowed
you was a woman

who'd appreciate experience
the minute I laid eyes on ya.

Well, experience never...

Jed, oh Jed, Jed...

Why don't you put that lamp out?

I didn't take you for shy,

but light or dark,
it's all one to me.

What's the matter with Pa?

Too much drink, I
guess. Just like that.

That's curious.

He was always knowed
for holding his liquor.

I'll just cart him off to bed.

- Evening, ma'am.
- Oh, Luke!

Congratulations.

Yeah, nothing like
a little experience.

How'd you sleep
out there in the barn?

Well, how'd you sleep
in my extra underwear?

You look like you
treat that horse

better then you would a wife.

Oh well now, a wife's
supposed to be able to

fix herself up. Ain't she?

Oh, I would be willing
to give you a bath

every now and then.

You would like to have
that chance, wouldn't you?

Whoa.

He ain't so bad.

A little done in, though.

Is that so?

I know about horses.

Whoa.

Come off the farm that was
just about the echo of this place.

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

Learned to ride early.

Better then my
brothers, in fact.

I'll show you, let me ride him.

Oh, no.

And why not?

Well, Comet'd have you right
down on your pretty little... ear.

No horse you can
ride is gonna throw me.

You're pretty sure
about that, ain’t ya?

Mm-hm.

Tell you what...
I bet you a kiss.

All right.

A kiss if he throws me,

and if he don't, you take
me back to town this morning.

Now is that a bet?

Seems fair enough to me.

All right, bring him out there.

Well, got the
miseries this morning?

You sure do know how to
put out a man’s fires, ma'am.

What?

What are you up too, boy?

Oh, well Pa, the girl bet
she could ride old Comet,

I figured I'd give her a try.

- Oh.
- What?

Shep baby broke
that animal himself,

don't tolerate nobody else.

I wouldn't get on that critters
back for store bought whiskey.

See.

Ah well, old Comet
will let anybody sit,

the deal was to ride.

All right, farm boy, stand back.

I'm gonna see how he runs.

Whoa, whoa, boy...

Whoa boy, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

- Ow!
- Hold on, I got her.

Looks like you lost.

All right, you can
kiss me there.

No, no, no, the bet was you
were supposed to do the kissing.

- Right.
- Wait!

The bet was you do the kissing,

but it didn't say nothing
about who was to get the kiss.

I figure old Comet being the
one who done the throwing...

What's the matter, Sarah?

The horse?

That's all right.

I've seen her kiss uglier men.

Mercy, how unladylike.

I've never seen nothing like it.

Hey now, hey
brother, now let her be.

I said let her be.

Hey, Ike!

This here ain't what
I had in mind at all.

He pretty much
whipped you, you know.

Yeah well, you don't ever wanna
try to talk old Ike out of nothing.

Wanna hit him with
something solid like a 2x4 first,

then do your talking.

I ought to know that by now.

Well, I thought you were
gonna win for a minute.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.

Must have seen
something I didn't.

Well, I guess you came
out best, if there is a best.

Yeah.

You know, I had a lot
of men fight over me,

but I can't recall ever
having one fight for me...

'til today.

It was seeing you
on the ground, I...

I couldn't stand
seeing you there.

Well...

I want you to stay
up here with me.

I can't, I wouldn't know how to.

Yeah, you don't
want too, that's all.

Yeah, there just ain’t
enough gambling and liquor,

and music and
men up here for you.

You was born in the city

and that's where you
can stay for all I care.

Still want me to kiss the horse?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I think I need it more.

Comet wouldn't know
what to do with it anyway.

Now, I thought if
we were to build

on that little hill just up the
creek from your Pa's place.

Oh, I thought...

Oh no, no, that'd be
too close to the creek.

You can't be that
close to the water

when the babies come along.

That doesn't hurt
too much, does it?

No, no, not that much.

All right, Hockett, stand up.

You all right, Emily?

All right? Well,
well I guess I am.

Now, you put that thing down.

You go and blow
a hole in my fiancé,

and you'll have to answer to me.

Shep?

Well, he's quite a boy.

And I do believe you two would
be very good for each other.

- Thank you.
- Mm hm.

Funny thing is
they're all good boys.

Fine, decent,
hard-working, honest...

I hate to say it, but
that crazy old man

can be real proud of himself.

Shep asked me to marry him.

Well?

I said yes.

But...

But what?

Well, the first thing
I thought was...

how good it would
be if you and Ike...

Fran, I've said so
many cruel things to you.

I, I guess it was 'cause I
was so scared all the time.

Oh, Sarah.

I'm so happy for you.

What about Ike?

No.

I'm sorry, Fran.

Miss Hannah.

Been expecting you, Marshal.

Well, it looks like you've got
everything under control here, at least.

I have never seen so
much romancin' going on

in so short a time
in my whole life.

Afternoon Marshall,
Jed Hockett's the name,

these are my boys...

but I'm the one you want

if you're of a mind to
take somebody back.

I told 'em to do it.

Well, Mr. Hockett I'm
afraid it isn't that simple,

you see, what these boys
did, that's a serious thing.

Well, I don't know anything
about a serious crime,

I just come up here for
a little fresh mountain air.

Of course, Fran
may feel differently.

Just a little vacation,
as far as I'm concerned.

Well, I guess if nobody's
mad enough to press charges,

well, not much I can do.

Well, two out of
three ain't bad.

You better make that
two out of four, old man,

or you'll have another
lump on your head.

Yes ma'am, I
reckon I understand.

I thought you would.

Saw Ike looking at
you as we left, Fran.

You know, a woman
could wait a lifetime

for a man to want her like that.

I just don't know
how to talk to him.

Some men you don't talk to,

you just love 'em and
keep a big skillet handy.

Don't you understand?

I'm not good enough for him.

He's as much as said so.

Oh, don't you ever say that
again as long as you live.

Anyone as temperamental and
inconsiderate and ornery as he is,

is lucky you looked
at him in the first place.

Anyway, if you want him, don't
make much difference anyhow.

Do you?

Well then you just get right
back there and you tell him.

Go on.

That's it.

Fran's decided to
go back Marshall.

Good luck, Fran.

Thank you, Marshal.

And don't forget the skillet.

What skillet?

I'll tell you all
about it sometime.

I was coming for ya.

Stay tuned for exciting scenes

from our next Gunsmoke.

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