Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 18, Episode 15 - Arizona Midnight - full transcript

A very short man rides into Dodge and offers $50 to any man who will take care of him from midnight to dawn tonight, the first light of the full moon, when he will turn into a "were-elephant."

With...

And starring James
Arness as Matt Dillon.

Sam, draw me
another beer, will ye?

Sure, Festus.

Much obliged.

Doc will settle
up with you later.

Well, you're looking mighty
pretty tonight, Michelle.

She sure is quiet for a
Saturday night ain't it, Doc?

Kinda nice, kinda nice.

What time is it anyhow?

Why don't you get
yourself a watch?



Oh, fiddle, I'd feel silly

a-carrying one of
them things around.

Watches was invented
for doctors and lawyers

and such as that,
not for us Haggens.

Well, you gonna tell me
what time it is or ain't ye?

10:15, now you satisfied?

Just pure old dee
scary, that's what it is.

What is?

You mean you ain't noticed?

What?

The quiet.

Can't you hear it?

Why there ain't been a
Saturday night this quiet

in Dodge since Heck was a pup.



How do you hear quiet?

The onliest thing you
gotta do is listen at it.

If you don't a-hear nothing
then you're a-hearing quiet.

Just like I've been
a-hearing all night long.

Nothing but thundersome quiet.

It's just blame spooky.

You're spooky.

Let me tell you something, Doc,

there's something
fixing to happen.

And when she busts loose,
it's gonna be a two-toed,

turkey tail too-ba-loo and
you can mark my word on that.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're not gonna
get me all scared

and excited just
because you are.

- I'm not...
- Now, you don't have

to get all riled up, Doc.

I am not gonna sit here
and let you spoil my evening.

All right.

Go on, you old grumpety grouch.

Make sure
everybody's got a drink

and that they're all
having a good time.

Yes, Ms. Kitty.

She a new girl?

Yeah.

Make you feel older?

No, younger.

Yeah, you better
watch out, Curly.

Okay.

What were you and Festus
fussing about this time?

Oh, Festus just
insists that it's quieter

around here than usual.

He says it's weird.

I said, well the only
weird thing that I can think

of around here is you and
that hasn't changed any.

Well, the night's young.

Things will pick up.

Where's Matt?

Oh, he had to go out
to the Martin place.

Billy came running into
town about an hour ago

and said that Lester was
beating up on his mother.

So he rode out to see
what it was all about.

Know when he'll be back?

No, unh-uh.

Excuse me a minute, Doc.

Well, what can I
do for you boys?

- Evening, Ms. Kitty.
- Howdy.

- Ms. Kitty.
- Howdy.

We thought we'd drop
in for a drink or two.

Honest, that's all.

Huh-uh.

The last time you came
in for a drink or two,

you nearly tore the place down.

Well, we'd like to
apologize for that, ma'am.

We don't know what got into us.

That'll never happen
again, we promise.

It's not enough.

You mean we can't stay?

You gotta let us
stay, Ms. Kitty.

We'll behave ourselves, honest.

All right.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

You can go and buy
yourself each one drink

and then you can buy a
bottle and take it with you.

Oh thank you, Ms. Kitty,
you've been real kind.

We'll just get our drink and go.

And if there isn't
any trouble tonight,

then maybe the next
time you're in town,

you can stay a little longer.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- Thank you.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- Thank you.

Come on.

Bartender, could we have
a drink and one bottle?

What's the matter with you?

Those are the
same fellas in here

who tore up the
place a month ago.

Yeah, that's right.

What makes you think
they won't do it again?

They're not gonna
be any trouble.

They're just gonna
have one drink and leave.

- Goodnight, Ms. Kitty.
- Goodnight, Ms. Kitty.

Night.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Ms. Kitty.

- Ms. Kitty.
- Night.

Goodnight.

See?

Yeah, I see, but
I don't believe it.

Why don't we just
rent a hotel room?

That way, we got someplace
to sleep afterwards.

"Why don't we just
rent a hotel room?"

How much money you think we got?

I don't recollect.

This here cost us
everything we had.

Unless you got a
spare gold piece on you,

you better keep your
dumb ideas to yourself.

What do you want?

What's the biggest
horse you ever seen?

What kind of a question...?

No matter how big the biggest
horse you ever seen was,

that one over there is bigger.

- Hey, look at that.
- Are you sure it's a horse?

- It looks like a horse.
- Ran like a horse.

Let's go smell it.

Wait a minute, what's
that thing on top of it?

It's a little man.

Little man on a giant horse.

Makes you stop
and think, don't it?

Think about what?

Well, about how sometimes
you think you know everything,

then one day something happens
that you can't hardly explain

and all of a sudden you know

that you don't know
hardly nothing at all.

Yeah.

Let's go look at that horse.

Can a guy get a drink here?

How about a beer?

I said, "How about a beer?"

One beer, coming up.

There you are,
that'll be five cents.

Doc, is that there
a full growed man?

He's a midget.

I haven't ever saw
me no midget before.

You have, Kitty.

- Oh yeah, sure.
- Sure.

He's kind of a cute
little feller, ain't he?

Looks like he might've got caught
out in the rain and shrank up.

I didn't mean
nothing bad, Ms. Kitty.

I ain't so pretty my own self.

Well, I don't think
anybody ever noticed that.

All right, go on and hoo-rah me.

Did you look at that
there little old man?

He's a-huffing and a-puffing
like he run all the way here

clean from Abilene.

What are you
gonna do about that?

He is breathing
pretty hard, Doc.

You suppose he's all right?

Yeah.

I better go see about it.

Doc?

Can I go with you?

I ain't never swapped
words with no midget before.

Well, a couple things
you oughta know

- about midgets first, though.
- What's that?

Don't pick him up.

Oh, I wasn't fixing
to pick him up, Doc.

Well, I just didn't want you

to do anything
stupid, that's all.

Well, you blame don't stutter.

I just don't go around
picking up every

little shranked-up
feller I see, you know?

Wait a minute, there's more.

Don't call him a midget.

Well, what's he wanna be called?

His name, by his name,
like you do or anybody does.

How does it come
that all of a sudden

- you know so blame much about...
- Shh.

Midgets?

Didn't you ever tell
him about me, Kitty?

What?

- No, I never told him.
- What's that?

Well, I was raised by
a herd of wild midgets.

You all right?

Can I get you another drink?

How come you're
breathing so hard?

Been riding all day.

Had to get here before midnight.

Oh, well I think
that you made it.

Yeah. A little over
an hour to spare.

- What's your name?
- Arizona.

- Who are you?
- Well, this here's Doc Adams.

And that there is Ms. Kitty.

Kitty?

Most unusual name
I've ever come across.

Well, my real name's Kathleen.

Kitty's just a nickname.

Kitty.

Suits you.

Didn't catch your name.

Folks call me Festus.

How come?

- Because that's my name.
- Throw it at me again.

- Festus.
- Festus?

Sounds like a cold sore.

- It sure does.
- Oh, hush up.

You're a-spouting off pretty
big for such a little feller.

Arizona, why'd you have to
get to Dodge before midnight?

I need help.

I mean, I really need help.

Well, what kinda help you need?

I don't know.

What I mean is, I do know,

but I just don't
know how to tell you.

Well now, I think we
just all better sit down

and talk about this.

- Beatrice.
- Yes, Ms. Kitty?

Round of drinks on the house.

I never saw a Beatrice
that looked like that before.

Now tell me, just
what's your trouble?

What can we do to help you?

Are you in trouble or something?

I ain't never
been in no trouble.

Then why do you need help?

I'm sick.

I'm so sick, Doc.

What's wrong?

See these?

These are tears I'm crying.

You know why I'm crying?

I'm not crying because I'm sick.

I'm crying because when
I tell you why I'm sick,

you won't believe me.

No one ever believes
me until it's too late.

Well, what's that there
supposed to mean?

It's very complicated.

What time is it, Doc?

Well, probably about 11 o'clock,

that's exactly what it is.

I only got an hour to go.

Until what?

I gotta find somebody
to take care of me.

Take care of you?

For tonight.

Till sunup.

I need a large barn,

two or three bales of hay,

And somebody to take care of me.

Arizona, exactly
what is your problem?

Oh, I don't think you'd
understand, Ms. Kitty.

I get a little
rambunctious sometimes.

But I'm willing to
offer to any man $50.

Fifty dollars to any
man for one night's work.

- Here you are.
- Oh, thank you.

Fifty dollars to anyone
who'll take care of me tonight.

Fifty dollars is a lot of money.

Why don't you go draw
a beer or something?

I just don't know
how to explain it.

I should give up trying.

Go ahead on and spit it out.

At least tell us why you need
somebody to take care of you.

Because, because there's
gonna be a full moon out tonight.

Well, what in thunder's a
full moon got to do with it?

See?

Already you're finding
it hard to believe.

I barely get started
explaining to somebody

and already they
think I'm crazy.

There ain't nobody said
nothing about you being crazy.

You ain't hardly even
told us nothing yet.

Oh, what's the use?

What's the use?

How can we help
you if you don't tell us

what's the matter with you?

That's right.

If you'll just tell us how,

we'll do everything
we can to help you.

Really?

Well, of course,
what in thunder is it?

Nobody's ever offered
to help me before.

They either laugh
or made fun of me.

Now I'm scared to tell you.

Oh. I give up.

Arizona, do you want us
to help you or don't you?

I need somebody to
take care of me tonight

because, well
because, I'm, I'm...

I'm a were-elephant.

What's a were-elephant?

You've heard of
werewolves, haven't you?

Men who turn into wolves
by the light of the moon?

Well, I'm a were-elephant.

And tonight, tonight
there's gonna be a full moon.

Look at them feet.

I wonder what
something like this weighs.

How would anybody
ever figure that out?

Hey, look at the
size of them teeth.

Look at this tiny
little old saddle.

I wonder what a horse
like this would cost.

Who'd ever wanna
buy a horse this big?

That little old man, that's who.

Must make him feel real
important sitting up there

looking down on us tall people.

I wonder why he come into town.

Well, maybe he's
just thirsty like us.

You know, I ain't never seen

a real little man close before?

Well, let's get a look on him.

No, Ms. Kitty said we
couldn't come in there no more.

Ain't nothing wrong with
just looking through the door.

Of course not.

Come on.

Come on.

Someone get shot?

We were standing
right over there.

If someone had got shot,
we'd have heard it for sure.

Bet that little man's
right in the middle.

Quiet!

Quiet!

Everybody, quiet.

This happens all the time.

You claim that every month

on the first night of the
full moon at midnight,

you turn into an elephant.

Now, how you expect
us to believe that?

Kitty, I never expected
you to believe me.

Not once did I ever expect
anyone to believe me.

I know better.

Well, what makes you think
you turn into an elephant?

Because I just know, that's all.

It's happened to me
over and over again.

Look, what's the use?

I was crazy to come here.

I could sit in that chair and
talk to you up till midnight.

I could tell you that I've
turned into an elephant

for the past 11 months in a row.

I could tell you about
perfectly good poker hands

that I've ruined by
turning into an elephant.

I could tell you
a lot of things.

But you would never
believe any of them.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I've got to go

and lock myself in a corral.

Now just a minute.

Now really, don't you think
you'd be more comfortable

in a hotel room?

Oh no, I need a
lot of open space.

What for?

How do you expect to get an
elephant out of a hotel room?

There isn't a door in the
world big enough to go through.

And now, I'd like to thank
everyone for their time.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Ms. Kitty.

He pretty near makes you
wanna believe him, don't he?

You maybe, not me.

Why don't you go have a drink?

Oh, much obliged, Doc.

I told you it was too
dadgum quiet tonight, didn't I?

Quiet didn't have
a thing to do with it.

That little fella was
making plenty of noise.

If you think he
was noisy just then,

wait till he starts
turning into a elephant.

Oh, that little old man
sure is scared, ain't he?

Ed, what did he
say he turned into?

An elephant.

What's an elephant?

Well, I don't ever recall
seeing one in these parts.

I heard tell of 'em.

No kidding.

Well, I ain't never seen
one, I just heard of 'em.

My cousin Dudley, well,
he seen one once in a circus.

What's a circus?

Well, I didn't ask him
what a circus was.

He was too busy telling
me about the elephant.

He says elephants are
the biggest animal there is

in the whole world.

It's even bigger than
that little man's horse.

I wonder where that
little old man went off to.

Well, who cares?

I think he's touched.

I kinda liked him.

Y'all wanna hear about
the elephant or not?

- I do.
- Well, I don't.

Let's get started
on that bottle.

Yeah, I clean forgot.

What in the blue blazes
are we doing standing here?

Ain't you gonna finish
explaining about that elephant?

No no, first thing's first.

We gotta find us a
place to get drunk.

I seen us a barn over there.

Oh, look at that.

What's he doing down there?

Just sitting all alone.

Oh, he looks lower
than a gopher's gut.

He don't look none
too happy, does he?

Well, we can't all be happy.

Think he's all right?

Well, why is everybody so
worried about that little runt?

One thing I know, when
a man gets that low,

it's sure nice to have
someone to talk to.

That's right.

Ain't nothing worse than
having the melancholies

of a Saturday night.

Let's offer him a drink.

Are you crazy?
That's all we got.

You got the heart of a
horny toad, you know that?

Come on, Ed.

Howdy.

Oh, my name's Ed, this here's
Red, and that there is Fred.

- Howdy.
- Howdy.

Ed, Red, Fred?

This sure is a town for names.

We seen you over in the saloon.

Yeah, we thought you might like

to have yourself
a little old drink.

Yeah, I sure would.

If you really don't
want a drink...

Oh no, I'd like a drink better

than anything in
the whole world.

Almost.

Hope you like rot gut.

Love it.

What time is it now, Doc?

I'm not gonna tell you.

I'm getting sick of it.

Festus, five minutes ago it
was 20 minutes till midnight.

So, it must be 15
minutes to midnight now.

Well, dollar bill, I don't mean
to keep asking, Ms. Kitty,

but I'm getting to worrying
about that little feller, Arizona.

Maybe we'd ought to
have tried to keep him here.

How? Tie him to a chair?

That ain't what I mean
at all, and you know it.

He hasn't done anything wrong.

We don't have any
right to hold him.

Well, maybe so, Ms. Kitty,
but I can't help thinking

that here it is
pretty nigh midnight,

and right here in
Dodge this very minute,

there's a little bitty old
feller a-sitting all alone

by his self, a-waiting
to turn into a elephant.

I just wish Matthew'd get
back, he'd know what to do.

Ooh.

You all right?

It won't be long now.

The teeth are getting soft.

That's the first sign.

You men have got to make
up your minds right away.

Now you say all we
gotta do is keep you

- in that barn till sun-up?
- That's it.

- And we get $25 now and $25 at sun-up?
- Each?

That's right.

And you get to keep the money

even if I don't turn
into an elephant.

Well, what if you do?

Well, you don't
think he can, do you?

That's not the point.

No, the point is we get 50 bucks

just for staying in
that old barn all night.

Yeah, we was gonna
do that anyways.

And it's legal too.

Are them there
elephants very dangerous?

Not if you take care of 'em.

I'm usually just as
gentle as a newborn calf.

Well, how do you take care
of one of them elephants?

That's the most
important part of our deal.

You gotta promise to
take good care of me.

- But how?
- That's easy.

Just make sure that
I get plenty of hay,

green apples, and water.

Where would we get green apples?

I had 'em shipped
in for the occasion.

They should be down at
the freight office right now.

- Well, that don't sound too hard.
- It ain't.

But you gotta promise
to take care of me

till I turn back into myself.

That's why I'm hiring
you, to take care of me.

'Cause I'm gonna change.

I don't care if you
don't believe me,

'cause I'm gonna change.

And I need somebody
to take care of me

till I turn back into myself.

- At sunup?
- At sunup.

Now, what about
that giant horse?

Oh yes, that's Homer.

He's part of the deal.

You take care of me and
you take care of Homer.

And when I'm an elephant,

I ain't hard to handle
when Homer's around.

Well?

I think that's the most
reasonable offer I've heard.

You can count me in.

Me too.

What about you?

Well, it can't hurt nothing.

Good. Good.

You men have made me

the happiest were-elephant
in the whole world.

I'm glad.

I'll never forget you.

I promise.

Here's your money.

Seventy-five dollars to
divide amongst yourself.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

This is it.

It's time.

Don't forget your promise to me.

I'll see you in the morning.

Ooh.

Aah.

Twenty-five and
another 20 that's 45?

Darned if he didn't do it.

Doc, did you hear that?

Hear what?

Sounded like somebody
a-tooting a bugle.

A bugle?

How much you had to drink?

Well, I ain't had enough to
make me hear things like that.

What time is it, Doc?

Oh, not again, for
heaven's sakes.

Now, listen to me.

You see that clock there?

Now I'm gonna tell you
what time it is by that clock

and I'm gonna tell
you once and that's all.

It is one and 1/2
minutes after midnight.

And that is time
everybody oughta be in bed.

Wait a minute, Doc.

Ain't you gonna wait
for Matthew to get back?

I certainly am not!

Grump.

Arizona?

No wonder that
little fella was yelling.

Must hurt something awful
to get stretched like that.

Arizona, you in there?

No, he can't hear you.

Arizona.

The ears is up there.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna give him some of this.

Arizona likes rock gut.

I don't think that's smart.

Do you think that's smart?

No, I don't think
that's smart at all.

I don't think that's smart.

You know, we better get
that giant horse in here.

Well sure, he
said that that horse

helped keep him company.

What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

And now, we're gonna stay
here and watch the elephant.

You go on out and get Homer.

Back up, Homer, back up.

Oh, I wonder why he's
making all this noise.

You better go on
down to the freight office

and get them apples.

We'll stay here and
take care of this elephant.

But it's my turn to
watch the elephant.

I just went to get Homer.

There ain't nothing worse
than a hungry elephant.

Now get.

I knew we shouldn't have
taken this job, I just knew it.

Hey now, just take it easy.

Don't worry, we sent
him after them apples.

What in tarnation is...

Oh howdy, this
here's an elephant.

I know what it is, but
where'd it come from?

Well now that, you
ain't gonna believe.

Try me.

Well, didn't you
see that little old man

down at the saloon a while back?

What little old man?

Arizona, he called himself.

Not more than
three or four feet tall.

That little man
three or four feet tall?

Yeah.

That's him.

This here elephant used
to be a sawed-off cowboy.

Oh sure, sure.

Did you ever hear anything
like that in your whole life?

No, I can't say as I have.

Pure-dee fact.

You don't believe us.

Oh sure, sure I do.

Listen, this thing don't
happen too often, you know.

Could be the most
important thing in history.

Did you see him change?

Yeah, one minute he
was a tiny, little man

and the next minute, pow.

- He changed.
- Right before our eyes.

I wish Red would hurry
back with them apples.

All right, now just take it
easy, take it easy, Arizona.

- All right now, now.
- That's it, take it easy.

- Arizona, all right.
- Be gentler with him.

- Watch out for his nose.
- I'll watch out for it.

Red will be here with
those apples pretty quick.

Look, why don't
you just tie him up?

Why don't you just tell us how?

Well, it's your elephant.

That's all right, now
take it easy, easy now.

Easy now, that's it, that's it.

All right, keep back now.

Arizona needs
lots of air right, Ed?

That's right, try to
keep it down, folks.

Gotta keep it down.

Of course, keep back, folks.

Just keep back.

When did you see the change
start to coming over him?

Well, he gave a beller down
by the barn and there he was.

Oh, excuse us.

This here's the
most excitenest thing

that's ever hit Dodge, Burke.

You don't believe it, do you?

Well, don't you?

Of course not.

Well, what in the tarnation
you been a-standing

around here all night for, then?

- Well, I just...
- Just because you ain't

got nothing better
to do, is that it?

Yeah, that's right.

I ain't got nothing
better to do.

That's the onliest
reason I'm here too.

Wonder where
old Doc went off to.

He's missing everything.

Well, I thought you heard.

Ed Crocker broke his arm
and Doc went out to fix it.

Well, how'd he do that?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess you just pull
the arm out and then you

straighten out the bones
and then you put it in a splint.

Burke, that ain't
what I ask you.

What I wanna know is...

Just never mind,
forget it, forget it.

Well, if you're gonna
get so grumpy about it,

why don't you just go
and stand someplace else?

Because I'm a deputy
and I gotta stay here

close to where I can
keep an eyeball on things.

Go stand someplace
else your own self.

Blamed knot-head.

Ms. Kitty.

This here's the most excitenest
thing that I've ever saw.

Well, I'm more tired
than I am excited.

Hadn't ought to be long now.

Matthew, he musta
decided to stay all night

out at the Martins' place.

Yeah, he must have.

And you know, old Doc, he's
out at the Crockers' house.

He's fixing to miss
all the excitement too.

I don't believe anything
that has happened

since Arizona came to this town.

Well, I'll tell you, I've
saw a heap of things

in my life, Ms. Kitty,

and I have saw things happen

that I just swore
couldn't have been did.

Festus, you don't really
believe that that elephant

is going to turn back into
that little man, do you?

Well, I always try
to make it a rule

to just believe what I actual
see with my own eyeballs,

but when it gets to
be sunup, I'll tell you

whether I believe that little
scutter or whether I don't.

Well, it looks like
everybody else in town

wants to see for
themselves just like you.

That's about the onliest
way a feller can be sure.

But it ain't gonna be long
now 'cause old Arizona's

due to hatch back.

Sun's coming up.

All right, everybody.

This here elephant's
getting ready

to turn back into a cowboy.

Now, none of us knows for sure

how much room it's gonna take.

- All right now.
- It won't be long now.

- Okay, Arizona.
- Just get back, folks.

Okay, come on, here he comes.

- Okay, Arizona, let's go.
- Okay, Arizona.

- Come on.
- Here we go.

- Come on, Arizona.
- It's here.

- Move out of the way.
- The sun's coming.

Come on.

Come on, Arizona.

Well, Festus.

Ms. Kitty, I don't understand.

Them three fellers didn't appear

like they was lying none to me.

They didn't have
anything to do with it.

They were fooled the same
as you and all these other folks.

By who?

By the midget.

Now look, I'm tired
and I'm going to bed

so I'm gonna say good morning
or goodnight or what have you.

I just want you to know
that I feel like a fool

staying up all night
watching all these fools

watch a were-elephant.

Wait a minute, hold on.

Give the poor little
feller a chance.

- Maybe he don't know what time it is.
- Yeah.

Well, I never wanted to do it,

and I ain't never
gonna do it again.

Well, maybe he just
don't wanna come out.

What are you talking about?

Of course he wants to come out.

Ain't nobody wants
to be a elephant

the rest of their natural life.

Well, I can't stand it.

Must've got stuck.

I tell you, maybe he's just
too timid to want to do it

in front of everybody.

Well, how long do you
think it's gonna take him

to come out of his timid?

I don't know, a
long time, maybe.

What are we gonna do?

Shoot him.

No, we ain't gonna shoot him.

- Well, why not?
- Because.

Because, stupid.

That's a little man.

You want Marshal Dillon
to come after us for murder?

Well, what are we gonna do?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Just supposing we was
to take him down yonder

and put him in the
barn all by his own self,

and maybe he'd do it
there, don't you see?

Huh?

- Want to?
- All right.

- Come on, Arizona.
- Come on, Arizona.

- Come on, Arizona.
- Come on, come on.

To the barn, we're going.

Matthew?

When did you get back?

We was commencing
to fret about you.

Well, I just got back
a few minutes ago.

What are you doing up so early?

Well, I've been
up all night long.

The whole blamed town has.

What's going on?

Why, it's one of the
most excitenest things

that's ever happened
in Dodge City.

What is it?

Well, this here is
one of them nights

when you just ought
to have been around.

What happened?

Well, Matthew, you ain't
gonna believe me when I tell you.

Little feller is right,
it's just hard to tell it

so's anybody will believe it.

What are you getting at?

Well, last night, Matthew,
this here stranger

come into Dodge and he
come into the Long Branch there

and he's just a-standing there

and he was a regular little
man, just about that tall.

Wait a minute, was
he dressed in black?

Yeah, that's him.
Cute little feller.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's the one.

I got him locked up in back.

His name is Virgil Yolberry.

How can you have him locked up

whilst he's still a elephant?

Elephant? What are
you talking about?

Well, we got the elephant
over yonder in the barn.

Festus, you're getting
too far ahead of me.

All I know is that I got a
midget named Yolberry

locked up in the back.

Yolberry?

And he made fun of my name.

What do you got
him locked up for?

Oh, I was riding
into Dodge last night

and he stopped me on the road,

asked me if he
could buy my horse.

He did?

Yeah, and then when
he saw my badge,

why, he took off running.

So I figured he must've
been wanted for something.

I grabbed him.

Well, how come it took you
so long to get back to town.

He's a slippery little fella.

He kept getting away from me.

I finally had to tie him up and
hang him on my saddle horn.

Well, he sure had
his self a busy night

for such a little
feller, didn't he?

I got a feeling it's
not over yet, either.

Mr. Yolberry, I'd
like to talk to you.

Wanna talk to me?

Yeah, out in the office.

Hold on here now, here, here.

Now, you keep him
away from me, Marshal.

I know his kind.

- He's a killer.
- Oh, hush up.

I ain't here to hurt you,

even if it does sound
like a good idea.

What I wanna know is why
you went and lied to everybody.

I ain't talking to you.

Marshal, I told you I
didn't wanna see nobody.

Yeah, well now I
understand why, Mr. Yolberry.

Now suppose you just calm
down and tell us the truth.

Well, go on.

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

Even if I told you the truth,
you wouldn't believe me.

Oh, you ain't gonna
start that again.

You know what really hurts?

This was the last time.

I'd have never
have to do it again.

I ain't never been
found out before.

You mean you did this before?

Dodge makes 31 times.

Thirty-one times?

You don't know what it's like

going through that
act every month,

making out like I'm gonna
turn into an elephant.

It's awful.

Thank goodness it's over with.

Well, Mr. Yolberry,
we're still waiting.

Oh, yeah.

Ever hear of
Merriweather Hornbone?

Can't say as I have.
Have you, Festus?

No, I ain't heard of him.

He was my uncle,
he was a millionaire.

He also was crazy.

Craziest old man
that ever lived.

Well, keep talking.

Well, Uncle Merriweather
liked to collect things.

Weird things, real
unusual, you know?

Well, you still ain't
telling us a whole heap.

Just give me time.

Now, Uncle collected things
like snake eyes and doorknobs.

He also collected animals
like elephants and giant horses.

Now, here we go, Matthew.

Well, Uncle died three years ago

and he left me the
elephants and the horses.

Well, why didn't you
just get rid of 'em?

Did you ever try to
get rid of 31 elephants?

Well, no, I can't say I have.

Take my word for it,
you can't give 'em away.

Nobody in his right mind
would want an elephant.

Stupid animals.

They don't know how to do
anything but eat and have kids.

Ah, I'm so glad
that's over with.

Yeah well, the
fact of the matter is

it isn't exactly over with yet.

What do you mean?

What about those men out there

that think you turned
into an elephant?

You're not gonna
tell them, are you?

Why shouldn't I?

You don't understand, Marshal.

How could I possibly keep
a whole herd of elephants

and horses for
the rest of my life?

And the only way I
could get rid of them

was to make somebody
else responsible for them.

Now those men think I'm
gonna reappear someday.

And if they believe that,

they'll take good care
of those elephants.

Well, maybe they will, but...

There's nothing
wrong with what I did.

I didn't break any laws.

Besides, Marshal, those men

have got something
lots of us don't.

Yeah, a elephant.

More than that, they've
got something to believe in.

You just couldn't go
out there, Marshal,

and tell them fellas that I
didn't change into an elephant,

because they think I did.

And they also think
someday I'll change back.

Look, marshal.

Say, what are you
gonna call him?

His name's Arizoney.

All right, Arizoney,
come on, let's head home.

Here we go.

Go, Arizoney.

They're like kids.

They'll have a lot of
fun with that elephant.

And they'll take
good care of him too.

Hey, Ed, Fred, wait for me.

Wait for me.

If you don't mind, Marshal,
I'll slip out the side door.

Matthew, I'm just
plum tuckered out.

So am I.

You know, Matthew, I was
just telling old Doc last night

that something powerful
strange was a-fixing to happen,

and sure enough, it happened.

Is there any coffee, Festus?

No, there ain't, Matthew,

but I can blame sure
make you some right quick.

Thanks.

You know, I never did believe

that sawed-off little
old cowboy for a minute.

I just wanted to hear what
his pinheaded palavering

was all about, that's all.

Not that such a
thing can't happen,

'cause I recollect
whilst I was still living up

in the hills there
and it was on a night

just exactly like last
night, moon shining bright,

and it happened to
my great aunt Fredulia.

Aunt Fredulia?

What happened,
Matthew, she started in

and she growed
fur all over her body.

Fur?

Yes, sir, fur.

And that ain't all, neither.

He told me that her
teeth started to growing

real long and stragglety,

and when my cousin,
Elvine, started in the shavers,

she hauled off and bit him.

Why, went to his sickbed
for over two weeks.

And then another funny
thing happened there, Matthew.

I recollect when
the widow Feenmuir

was out planting the taters
to get rid of her warts...

and the lightning
started to stomping

and striking all around her.

And...

Matthew?

Don't you want no
coffee, Matthew?

Mighty peculiar.

Brain boggling is what it is.

Just plum brain boggling.

Stay tuned for exciting scenes

from our next Gunsmoke.

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