Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 16, Episode 18 - The Tycoon - full transcript
Festus tries to go into the freight business and it nearly results in matrimony.
Announcer: Gunsmoke, starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.
Mmm. Say, that's
good coffee, Kitty.
That's good. What's the secret?
- Eggshells.
- Eggshells! Certainly.
Why don't you try eggshells?
Why can't you make coffee like this?
Well, I don't notice you
turning any of mine down.
Stage come in with the mail.
- Oh, good.
- Let's see here now.
Them there is for you, Matthew.
Oh, thank you, Festus.
- And here's yours, Miss Kitty.
- Thank you.
That there batch
is for you, Doc.
Okay, thank you, Festus.
- Here, Matt.
- Oh.
- Here.
- There's another one for you.
Matt: Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Here.
- Kitty.
- That's yours, Doc.
- Matt.
- Here you go.
Kitty.
Well, that writing's so blamed small,
I reckon I made a mistake or two.
You made a mistake or three.
There's one for you in there.
Who'd be writing to me?
Well, I imagine the mystery will be
cleared up when you open the letter.
Uh...
Seeing as you got
your glasses on, Doc,
maybe you could make
that out for me there.
Wait a minute... What's it say?
Well, for heaven's sake.
What's it say?
Kitty, look at
that. Look at that.
- What's it say?
- Matt, read this.
Lookie there. Look at that.
Festus: Matthew, what's it say?
What's it say?
You, uh, you remember a fellow by
the name of Grimes... Petey Grimes?
Petey Grimes.
Of course I do.
He come through here about three
years ago on his way to Montana.
I loaned him about $10
so he could get some goods
to go on to the goldfield with.
Well, this letter here is from
an attorney in San Francisco.
Seems like your friend Grimes
hit it big in the goldfields out there,
lived high on the hog,
and died a happy man.
He's left you some money.
You mean old Petey's
gonna pay me back
the $10 he owes me?
It's a little bit
more than that.
You bet!
From church mouse to
tycoon in one little jump.
Festus...
It's on the house.
Oh, Miss Kitty, you know I
don't start drinking this early.
You're going to today.
Listen to this:
"Pay to the order of
Festus Hagen... $500."
$500?!
Get out of this bank!
Get your penny-pinching
hands off of me!
I'm gonna knock knots on your
head faster than you can rub them
if you don't turn loose my coat.
I ought to bust you one
right between the horns.
You can see my freight wagon's
worth the loan of two hundred dollars.
That?
That's not worth 200
cents as collateral!
Besides, we don't put up with
people barging into the bank.
Hold on, hold on. Now,
what's going on here?
He threw an inkwell, Festus.
When Mr. Bodkin
refused to give him a loan...
I never did no such a thing.
It kind of scooted
across the desk a little
when I... catches my hand.
He created such a fuss,
Miss Abigail near fainted!
Bankers!
All you know to do is foreclose
mortgages on innocent widows.
All right, hold on, hold on.
I'm ashamed of you, Titus.
Throwing inkwells!
What I ought to do is
put you in the calaboose.
That's what I ought to do.
Oh, Festus, I didn't hit
nobody. I didn't mean no harm.
I just had to do something! That
miserable bunch of skinflint bankers.
All right, all right, now I'll
tell you what I'm fixing to do.
If you'll promise not to
stir up no more ruckuses,
I'll take you into the Long
Branch and buy you a beer.
You trying to bribe me?
No, I ain't trying to bribe
you, you old knot head.
I'm just trying to
keep you out of jail.
Well, if that be the aim,
I guess you mean kinder by it.
But I ain't no charity case.
I'll buy the beer.
All right.
Seeing as you stirred up all this
mess, I'll just let you buy the beer.
Uh, Festus...
Could you... sort of
loan me ten cents?
Come on.
Rich, Festus, rich.
Be rich just a-getting
your wagon fixed?
No, not just fixing the wagon.
I found me a new
trail to Denver.
A new trail to Denver?
This line here, that's the regular
stage and freight road to Denver.
Goes gallywhompin' all
over the place, don't it?
But look at this
here other line.
That's the trail I found.
With my wagon
fixed and good nags,
I could open up a
regular freight line
and make $40 a trip two
or three times a month.
$40 a trip!
Two or three times a
month, maybe more.
You saying getting
that wagon of yours fixed
and buying them horses
would run you around $200?
Eh, might as well be a million.
Wait a minute.
$40 a trip.
Maybe four times a month.
Rich, I tell you.
Festus, I'd wind up a rich man
with proper gear
for a 300-mile haul.
Wait a minute here, now, Titus.
Maybe you're going
about this thing all wrong.
Instead of trying to
borrow the money,
did you ever thing of maybe
getting yourself a partner?
Fifty-fifty?
Partner putting up the money?
Ain't nobody
around here got $200
excepting them bankers,
and they throwed me out.
Well, I better go
see about my team.
Titus, I'll maybe see you
down at the livery directly.
I just might have me a
friend that would want to
get to be a partner with
you in this here business.
You got a friend with money?
Oh, you might say he's
a pretty close friend, too.
I'll see you directly.
Well, I'd say it'd be shaving
about a week off the trip, Festus.
See, I'm always authorized to send freight
out of Dodge by the cheapest routes.
So, I could give you all the
business you could handle.
All the business
we could handle?
Sure. I got a load back there
right now you could take out.
Much obliged,
Burke. Be right back.
This here's a map showing
the route our wagon will take
to get to Denver in eight days.
And old Burke's done told me that he'll
have more business than I can handle.
Well, I know it's a good idea to
put your money to work, Festus.
I guess this is as
good a way as any.
I'd say so, too.
I figured you'd think
it was a good idea.
Even old Doc said so.
I'm fixing to go tell old Titus
he's got hisself a partner.
Much obliged for the advice.
I didn't know Titus
was in on this, Kitty.
Hmm.
I'm not so sure we gave
him the right advice after all.
He's older than old Doc is.
By grannies, I
can't get over it.
You cagey old coyote.
It was you all along
had the money.
It was Miss Kitty and Matthew
and Doc that talked me into this.
So if things don't go right,
you'll be answering to them.
Think this here old
box will patch up, do ya?
Two days' work and
she'll be good as new.
We'll have a little
sign right along here:
"Titus and Hagen
Freight Company."
What's the matter
with "Hagen and Titus"?
Seeing as you're
investing your money, uh...
it's right that
your name be first.
Of course it is.
Except, uh, we don't want 'em
to think we're ignorant, do we?
We got to do this
alphabetical-like.
Now, don't "T" for Titus
come before "H" for Hagen?
I reckon that there
would be the proper way.
Well, get it on over yonder to
McGraw's and get him to patching it.
Uh, Festus, I'll be
needing your money.
Well, everybody in
town knows I got money.
Just go over yonder and
get whatever you need
and tell him I'll
settle up later.
I'm gonna go see Burke
about our first load of freight.
Anything I need?
All the hubbub
going on in yonder
sounds like they're putting
on a heap of patches.
Ah, them fellers just hammer
around and make a lot of racket.
Make you think they're doing
more work then they actually are.
Why, without me keeping
my eye peeled on 'em,
they'd try to cheat us
out of our last nickel.
- You mean my nickel.
- Well, we're partners, ain't we?
One for all and all for one.
What's yours is mine
and what's mine is yours.
Well, I want to see what's
yours that belongs to me.
Of course you do,
Festus, of course you do.
And you're gonna, too, just
as soon as she's all foxied up.
Which ain't yet.
And another thing.
Look at you.
You may be dressed all
right for a deputy, maybe,
but not for a big,
important businessman.
Fiddle. There ain't nothing
wrong with these here duds.
Ain't nothing wrong
with a sage hen, neither.
But it's peacock that
makes folks pay attention.
Now, ain't that what we want,
starting up a new business?
It wouldn't hurt none to go on
over yonder to the Emporium,
see if they got
any fitting duds.
New suit, folks would think
you was really some pumpkin.
Get us more freight business.
Wouldn't hurt none to go over
yonder and browse around, I reckon.
I'll see you directly.
Did you two ever see this
town so quiet? I never did.
I haven't even had as
much as a sore throat to treat.
Not that I mind,
but everybody needs a little
excitement now and then.
I think you're just
about to get your wish.
Where did that come from?
Well, what are you
popping your eyeballs at?
This here's the latest
thing for businessmen.
You look marvelous, Festus.
Last time I saw a fella dressed
like that, he was holding a lily.
Festus, uh, Titus was
in a little while ago.
He says your
wagon's about ready.
I ain't saw it yet.
But I hope they done
some good fixing on it
'cause old Burke's got a
good big load of freight for us.
That reminds me,
Titus left these for
you. They're bills.
Sure is a heap of paper
for a few little old nails
and a dab or two of paint,
ain't it?
Titus said some of them fellers
is liable to do some cheating.
Doc, you got kind
of a head for figuring.
Seeing as you're always sending
out them bills that done in your patients,
you could probably spot,
uh, somebody else's cheating.
All right, let me have
a look here some.
Now that's a little
high, and that.
By golly, most of
these look like...
Wait a minute, what's this?
Jeb Hooten's
steam calliope, $29.
Well, that there is
cheating right there.
If there's anything a feller
don't need to fixing up a wagon
it's a steam calliope.
All right, as near
as I can figure out,
this whole thing comes to $402!
Four hundred and two dollars!
What in thunder is
going on out there?
Four hundred and two dollars!
Look out, look out, look out!
All your blamed fancy doodads
and froufrou Jeb
Hooten's steam calliope.
Four hundred and two dollars!
It was supposed to be $200.
That was before I got
me a financial partner.
And it was you who
said to get what I needed.
Well, I never figured we'd be
needing no spangled up circus wagon
and a whole barn full of
prize horses to pull it with.
Ah, Festus, you just
ain't learned to think big.
You got to admit I started
off with a bang, didn't I?
Didn't you see
them folks staring?
Staring, my foot...
they was blinded!
Instead of frettin' about all
these here fancy gee-gaws,
you'd ought to have been a
keepin' an eye on this painter.
Look here at all the paintin'
that's supposed to have been did
that ain't been did.
See, it...
Well then, there's
buckshot holes.
Buckshot!
By grannies, Festus,
I believe you're right.
It must have happened
before I bought me the wagon.
Titus, I sure hope you
ain't telling me no fibs,
'cause whoever put them
buckshot holes in this wagon
was sure shooting at somebody.
Hyah! Hyah!
Trail's a mite rough, Festus,
but it gets better after a spell.
There's a whole heap of things
better start to getting better.
Like, I better start
getting back my $402.
You will, you will.
And I'll go you
one better than that.
Wouldn't it be better if we got
us a second wagon later on?
That's better than your better...
We'd make twice as much money.
Will you hush up
that silly jabbering?
Here we ain't even got
started on our first run yet,
and you're already
talking about two wagons.
You make me sick.
Six wagons?
Titus, you're
full of jellybeans.
Who's gonna pay
for all them wagons?
Then with ten wagons,
we can move into Nebraska!
Buy out Wells Fargo!
The railroad!
The Titus and Hagen
Gold Plate Line.
We'd each have us a private car.
And then maybe...
a string of paddle
wheelers on the Mississippi.
Will you hush up about that?
The onliest thing I
know is that I got $402
tied up tighter than a tick
in this here circus wagon,
and I aim to get
that back first.
Whoa! Ho! Hold up.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
Would you take over the
reigns for a spell, Festus,
and I'll go back and crawl under
the tarp and take me a snooze.
Snooze?
Well, we're going to
be camping for the night
in about an hour, you knot-head.
I know, but when
I get the wearies,
I just fold up like
an empty feed sack.
It's a sort of condition.
I just feel my eyelids
snapping shut.
And there's nothing you can do
about it only get some shuteye.
Giddup!
Whoa.
All right, come on, get out of
there, you sneaky little turnip.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I'm doing this for
a good reason.
A good reason my hind leg.
I know why you
slipped off back here.
'Cause you knowed there's
a gate coming up, didn't you?
It's a toll gate. You go
to pay to get through.
And if they see me back here, they'd
want to charge us for another one.
Oh.
Get back in there.
Oh, howdy, fellers.
This here you
fellers' gate, is it?
Say, does this here gate
belong to you fellers, does it?
Gold paint.
Sure some outfit.
What I was wondering
about was this here gate.
Mister, sure
traveling in rich style.
Well... starting up a
new freight run to Denver.
Now, about this here gate here.
- Is that...
- That gate be a toll gate.
If you wants to cross
our land, you got to pay.
We generally charges a dollar.
But for a wagon like this...
We'll have to think on it.
You!
Thievin' varmint. We'll
break your scrawny neck.
Turn me loose! Turn me loose!
Mister, this cheatin' skunk come
through here about two weeks ago.
We give him bed and grub.
And he snuck off to his old
wagon and rode off without paying.
Took a shot at him,
but he got away.
Oh, so that there's where
that buckshot come from, huh?
I didn't have no money, Festus.
Now, Mister, you made a mistake
hiring this old rooster for your flunkie.
Why, he'll cheat you
just like he done us.
Let us work him over.
He's been nothing more
than a mealy-mouth little worm.
You gonna let him
call me names like that?
I been thinking along
them same lines myself.
How much this little
knot-head owe you?
- Board.
- Lodging.
- And toll.
- Two dollars.
Two dollars?
Yeah.
Worth 35 cents.
If you gonna be paying for him,
then we'll let
bygones be bygones.
Blamed late to go any further.
All right with you fellers if we
was to camp out here tonight?
Up to the gate
it be public land.
No skin off of our teeth.
When you get settled down,
you come on up to the house.
Maybe Ma'll have
figured out what to charge.
Come on, Amos.
You heard what they said.
They think you hired
me as your flunkie.
When we get up to the house there, you
tell them the truth... I'm your partner.
Oh, yeah. That would make a
whole heap of sense, wouldn't it?
Them a-likening you to a
polecat with the measles.
If we're gonna drive a freight
wagon and we got to pay toll,
we just got to
pay it, that's all.
Besides, if they knowed
you was a part of this thing,
they'd charge us so blamed-much
toll we'd be plumb out of business.
Don't you see?
You got a point there, Festus.
Got more than a point, too.
I got $402 I'm gonna get back.
All right, all right, but
maybe I can help a little,
knowing the folks a mite.
Uh, now you met Amos and Moody.
But their ma, Mrs. Fowler, she's
the one you gotta cozy up to.
Rules the roost, she does.
Got a look that'd send a hungry
bear runnin' back to his cave.
That means they'll be
coming through regular, huh?
Well, we can't steer 'em
off by charging too much,
but we don't want to give
them no cut-price, neither.
Here he comes, Ma.
You boys done your part,
now I'm gonna do mine.
You keep your mouth shut
and your eyes open, you hear?
Your old ma knows how
to handle these fancy Dans.
Amos and Moody is bad enough,
but Ma Fowler, well,
she's an odd one.
You get her riled up and she won't let
us cross the land for no amount of money.
Amos, Moody,
I've caught me the
skunk that fleeced us.
It's all right, Ma, he's
this rich fella's flunky.
- He's been paid off.
- Yeah.
Amos and Moody
told me all about you.
I'm Ma Fowler.
How do, ma'am? My
name's Festus Hagen.
I thought you was a fancy Dan.
But I see different.
You got a look about you,
even with them dudey clothes.
Come on in and sit.
Amos, Moody,
you look Mr. Hagen
over real good.
If we get rich like him, I want
you boys knowing how gents dress.
I ain't meaning to be rude,
Mr. Hagen, but I likes what I sees in you.
You ain't hoighty-toighty
like some of them rich folk,
or holding your nose like
you got a bad smell under it.
Maybe my boys could
learn a thing or two from you.
Well, I'm thanking you for thinking
what you're thinking, ma'am,
but I'd like to learn
something my own self,
like how much toll
are you fixing to charge
for the wagon
crossing your land?
You see, boys?
Rich folks don't waste no
time beating around the bush.
They come right out with it.
That's what I like
about you, Mr. Hagen.
'Cause that's the way I be.
So I'll tell ya.
I ain't made up my mind.
But I'll, um, ponder on it while
I'm rustling us up some supper.
You and your
flunky can sit with us.
The vittles ain't fancy but they're
filling. It'll cost you 50 cents.
Amos, you bring some water.
Moody, fill the wood box.
Yeah, Ma.
You got her eating out the
palm of your hand, Festus.
Yeah, and the onliest reason
is 'cause she thinks I'm rich.
That's all. And I'm fixing
to tell her the truth, too.
What? When she's made up
her mind to something else?
Oh, women don't take
kindly to making a mistake.
Especially one like her.
I ain't gonna lie to her.
Keeping quiet ain't a lie.
If she wants to think what
she thinks, well, fiddle...
Then I'm thinking we wouldn't be
in this here mess we're in right now
if it hadn't of been for you.
Flossying up that there wagon
and talking me into buying
these here dudey clothes.
It's them dudy clothes that got
Mrs. Fowler cozying up to you.
Way it is now, you could
sweet talk her into most anything.
Like maybe us not
payin' no toll at all.
Ah!
I ain't made up my mind
about the toll charge.
I wants to be fair.
Yes, ma'am, I'm sure you do.
I ain't above slickering
them what tries to slicker me.
- No, ma'am.
- But you didn't try to slicker me.
You got money,
and you don't hide it,
what with your fancy
clothes and the wagon.
Oh, Festus... I mean,
Mr. Hagen here...
There just ain't nobody
any more honester than him.
My boys tell me that you'll be
coming through here regular.
And that you're starting
a freight run up to Denver.
Yes, ma'am, that there is right.
But you be already rich.
So you must have other
wagons going other places.
Other wagons, ma'am?
Why, ma'am, he don't even
bother counting his other wagons.
Ain't that so, Festus?
- Counting wagons...
- See what I mean?
And I'll tell you why
he don't count 'em.
'Cause he's got
other irons in the fire.
Why just this very
day, Mr. Hagen and me
was talking about
starting up a railroad.
And a dozen big, white
Mississippi stern-wheelers.
- Now ain't that so, Mr. Hagen?
- It was you that was doing...
Railroad? Steamboats?
What, with railroads and
steamboats and wagons,
you must be plumb smart.
So I ain't gonna try to
outsmart you on the toll charge.
We'll talk about
it after supper,
and it be ready,
so come on, let's sit.
Now, where's your sister at?
I swear, that
child's never around.
You know, Dora Lou,
she's pretty as a picture.
She takes after
her poor, dead pa.
May he rest in peace.
- Take your hat off.
- Ah.
Amos, you go fetch
your sister, hear?
Yes, Ma.
That there's a mighty
pretty name, Dora Lou.
I'll be real pleasurin'
to meet up with her.
I get along right
good with young ones.
Dora Lou, Ma says
it be time for vittles.
You get in here now, you hear?
She be coming, Ma.
Awfully sorry I'm late,
Ma, I was just... Oh.
Dora Lou, I'd like you to
meet up with Mr. Hagen.
How do, Miss Fowler?
And this one's his paid flunkie.
My name's Titus.
How... How do?
Oh, them be purty flowers.
Fixed yourself up
for company, huh?
I didn't know we had
us any company, Ma.
- Then what good is flowers?
- Ma!
Oh, him.
I ain't much hungry, Ma.
She's mooning over
Clarence Carver, Ma.
Moody!
Him and his hardscrabble farm.
Patch-pocket poor. He'll
never be nothing else.
Well, he's no poorer than us.
More's the pity, child.
You know, you're too
good for the likes of him.
Now, you take
Mr. Hagen over there.
He made something of hisself.
Bet his wife don't have to eat
no hog back and turnip greens.
Oh, I ain't married up, ma'am.
I never got around to that.
Ain't married up?
Rich feller like you?
Don't seem possible some
smart gal ain't managed that.
I bet you could give
your wife silk dresses
and jewelry
and servants, and
a fancy carriage.
Now, speaking of carriages.
Ain't no sense in yours
sitting out in the weather.
After you've ate, you just
bring her right into the barn.
Much obliged, ma'am.
Mr. Hagen, you must think
we ain't got no manners.
I don't know what
I'm thinking about,
putting both us womenfolk
on the same side of the table.
Moody, change
places with your sister.
- Huh?
- You heard me, move!
Sure, Ma.
Well, that be a
mite sight better.
No one can say us
Fowlers ain't got manners.
You after this one, Mr. Hagen?
No, ma'am, I was
aiming this here'n for you.
Well, turn loose of it then.
I can't sit with you
holding it, can I?
Amos, Moody,
look at your sister.
She ain't never sat herself down beside
a rich feller with fancy clothes before.
She takes to it like she
was a born princess.
Class will tell every time!
It sure is good to be
out of that blamed house.
Have you saw what that
Old Lady Fowler's been up to?
I seen it before you did.
Perfectly natural for a mother
to wanna marry her daughter up
to a big steamship
and railroad man.
Cut that out! I ain't no
such thing, and you know it.
Well, you know it and I know it,
but Ma Fowler, she don't know it.
Well, she's gonna know it,
'cause I'm fixing to tell her.
Festus, the second-worse-thing
a man can do
is to scorn a woman.
And the worstest thing you
can do is to scorn her daughter.
Now, do you want
to lose that $400?
It's $402,
and even if it is, I ain't
going to marry Dora Lou.
Festus, I do believe you
ain't dry behindst the ears, yet.
Don't you know what has to
be did before a feller marries up?
For one thing, he's got
to want to get married up.
You got to court her.
And courting means
nothing at all, nothing at all.
All you got to do is look like a
sick sheep and do a little spooning.
Spooning?
I ain't gonna do no spoon...
It wouldn't be fair
to that poor little girl
to have her think that I was
a-courting her for actual real.
Girls love to be courted!
Why, you'd be doing her a favor.
Whilst you was bringing the roses to
her cheeks and a sparkle to her eye,
well, we'd be a-driving wagons across
the land and not paying no toll at all.
Ma Fowler: You ain't never
had a chance like this before,
and you ain't never
gonna get another.
I don't want Mr. Hagen!
I... I wants Clarence!
But you don't want your
old ma or Amos or Moody
to have anything, is that it?
After all we've done for you.
Can't you see he's
rich enough for all of us?
Now, Mr. Hagen’s
coming. You perk up here.
Your wagon all right?
Yes, ma'am, it's all right.
Sit down, Mr. Hagen.
No, you be the guest of honor.
You take the sofa
next to Dora Lou.
Scootch over, Dora Lou.
Ain't that pretty music, Festus?
Ah, takes me back to
my own courting days.
Uh, Mr. Hagen, this
freight line of yours,
you'll be coming
through here steady-like?
Yes, ma'am, I reckon we will.
Well, then, why don't you make our
house your regular stopping place?
Well, that there is
mighty kind of you, ma'am,
but you ain't told me
what the toll's gonna be.
Toll? What toll?
If you're gonna be stopping here regular,
you'd be just like one of the family.
We don't charge kinfolk.
What you want, Clarence?
I be calling on Dora Lou.
I brung her some posies...
Clarence.
Ma Fowler: I been hinting for months
that you ain't welcome around here.
You ain't got nothing
but a hardscrabble farm.
And that ain't good
enough for my Dora Lou.
You don't want the posies?
You either! Now out!
Oh! Oh, Clarence... Oh!
Ma'am, that there appeared
like a right fine young feller.
There's a big mistake here.
Oh, a mother knows
best, Mr. Hagen.
And I'm beholden to you for saving
Dora Lou from a lifetime of heartache.
Appears like she's got a
good case of that right now.
Oh, what's a few minutes
of tears compared to
fifty years of trying
to scratch out a living
in a farm like Clarence's?
And when she gets to know you better,
I'm sure she'll know the truth of it.
Come morning, I'm gonna make
you and Dora Lou a real fine breakfast.
You'll be surprised how
bright and cheery she'll be.
Give me the lamp, Amos.
This be the start of
a real fine friendship.
Well, I'll show you and your flunkie
where to bed down, Mr. Hagen.
Maybe it's time I started
to calling you Festus.
Miss Dora Lou!
Please, Mr. Hagen, not so loud!
What in tarnation are you
doing traipsing around in here?
I was in my room thinking on it,
and well, I had to come see ya.
You lookie here, Dora Lou...
No, you lookie here, Mr. Hagen.
- I come to tell you something...
- Shh!
And I'm gonna say it!
You! You...
You come prancing in here in your
fancy clothes and your fancy wagon
and boasting about your
railroads and your steamboats,
and think you can just wiggle your finger
and womenfolk will come a-chasing you?
- I never...
- You just wiggle your finger
at those that want your
jewelry and your silk dresses,
and your mansions, you
hear? 'Cause I ain't one of 'em!
I'm gonna marry
up with Clarence!
I... I don't be knowing how,
but Ma and Moody and
Amos ain't gonna stop me.
So you can just do whatever
you want, Mr. Fancypants rich man,
I ain't for sale!
Are you done talking, are ya?
You want some more?
I wasn't even wanting that much,
so why don't you just walk back
and go through that
whole thing one more time.
What... What would
you be meaning?
Tell you what I'm meaning,
you're making a whopping big
mistake, that's what I'm meaning.
Well, just listen to you.
I'll be having you know that Clarence
is good as you be, any old day!
Oh, maybe he ain't got your
money or your slick wagon...
Whoa, now!
I made a mistake of
saying you made a mistake,
but the mistake I'm a-talking
about is the mistake you made before
the mistake that you're
thinking I'm talking about.
Don't ya see?
Oh, Mr. Hagen,
I be nothing more than a
plain old backwoods gal,
but don't be thinking you could get
me all addled up with your smooth talk.
Wait a minute!
What I'm trying to tell you
is we both been a-listening
to too blame-much talk.
- Now, you take old Titus in there...
- Shh!
Talking me into buying these
here dudy clothes, and railroads,
and a-talking me
into not talking
when your Ma's a-talking about
me being rich and stuff like that.
And that I can buy you
fancy jewels and steamboats...
W... Are you saying you can't?
Well, of course I can't.
Can't marry ya.
You don't like me.
Well, it ain't that.
Just this whole silly thing.
And come morning, I'm
a-fixing to tell your ma, too.
Toll road or no toll road.
Now, you... you be meaning that?
Of course I do.
You mean, me and
Clarence? Oh, Mr. Hagen!
I think you're just
the loveablest man.
- Wait...
- And I want to give you a big kiss!
Thank you!
Oh!
I'm caught! I'm caught!
Will you just, just...
Want me to shoot him, Ma?
It be too late for that.
What's done is done.
You done disgraced our Dora Lou.
They be only one way out.
Amos, you get
over the settlement.
And when you comes back,
you bring Parson
Mueller with ya, hear?
Yeah, Ma.
Oh, Ma, you just
don't understand.
Oh, hush up.
Hush up, it weren't your fault.
It was my fault, I reckon.
I never warned you
about those things.
You got to listen to me,
ma'am, this here wasn't no...
Shut up!
We'll go find my
old wedding dress.
- Oh, no!
- The one me and your pa was married in.
- Come on.
- Ma, please!
- Moody...
- No funny stuff, Hagen.
You got the wrong idea. This
here ain't nothing like you think it is.
Save your lying.
Only words I'm gonna listen to
is after the parson gets here.
One good thing
about this, Hagen.
You be disgracing my family,
but leastwise you got the
money to make up for it.
I ain't never had a rich
brother-in-law before.
Don't try nothing funny.
I'll be right outside.
Look at it this way, Festus.
You'll be part of the family, and
maybe we won't have to pay no toll
at all to cross the land
with our freight wagons.
Freightin' wagon?
Is that all your puny
little old head can think of,
is freightin' wagons?
I keep trying to be practical.
You want me to be, what
you call... Your best man?
There ain't gonna be no wedding.
Get out of this stuff...
No, don't jump out the window!
Get out of my way.
Marriage ain't all that bad.
I'm going back to
Dodge, getting Matthew,
and I'm gonna
bring him back here
and me and him, we're gonna get
this dad-burned mess straightened out.
That's what we're gonna do.
Well, if you've made
up your mind to go,
I'm going with ya.
Oh, you ain't gonna
do no such thing.
And I'm gonna
be moving too fast.
Besides, I'll be lucky
if I can get out of here
without old Moody hearing me.
And if he does, there's liable to be
buckshot a-flying every which way.
I'll stay here.
I'll stay here!
I knowed I'd catch
you if I hung around.
You be thinking you could
steal my Dora Lou, huh?
No, Clarence.
I ain't trying to
steal Dora Lou.
Don't be trying no
rich man lies on me.
Getting so tired of trying to tell
anybody anything around this place.
Well, I'm gonna be telling
you something with my fist.
Shootin' be too good for you.
There ain't no call to
be fighting, Clarence.
Just listen to me.
Scared, huh?
If you was a man, you'd be
willing to fight for Dora Lou.
Now... we're fixing
to do some talking.
We're fixing to be fighting.
- Talking.
- Fighting!
I'm... I'm ready, Ma.
If you'd just listen...
What's to listen to?
We seen what we seen, didn't we?
Might as well save your
breath for saying "I do."
I hear Amos and the parson.
- Oh...
- I'll drag down the bridegroom.
Morning, Parson Mueller.
Kindly of you to come.
Amos has acquainted
me with the circumstances.
Oh, now, my dear child.
To err is human.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, yes, yes, the
lucky bridegroom.
- No, no, no...
- This worm ain't the bridegroom.
Got clean away.
Well, he won't be
getting away with it.
You boys get a move on
and track him down, you hear?
We'll shoot him down.
There ain't a jury in the
world would touch us.
Hold on!
You bring him back
alive, you hear?
Shall I wait?
I reckon you
better wait, Parson.
Be kind of good to
have somebody listening
that ain't done already
made up their mind.
What in the fire
happened, Festus?
Oh, I run into old Clarence here
and he wanted to
do some fighting,
and I wanted to do some talking.
He got his way first.
Clarence: We ought
to have talked first.
This here Festus, whoo-ee!
He sure packs a wallop.
Appears like I was
wrong about Mr. Hagen.
Appears like being
wrong about Mr. Hagen
is getting to be a
habit around here.
First off, you was wrong
about me and Dora Lou.
I seen what I seen.
You turned her into
a wanton woman.
She was a-wanting
to talk, that's all.
Just talk.
Appears to me like you've been
seeing a whole mess of things
without thinking, ma'am.
First off, you seen
that fancy wagon,
and then you seen
these here dudy clothes
and what did you start
thinking right off the bat?
"Oh, he's rich."
Well, I ain't rich!
You expect a body
to believe that?
What about your other
wagons and the railroad?
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, now.
You just start to recollecting.
You never heard me say
one word about no such things.
What I ought to have
did, the very first thing,
was to tell you that I didn't
own but half of that wagon.
Only half? Well, now, who
be owning the other half?
That little knot-head.
Old Titus there,
he ain't my flunkie,
he... he was my partner.
What do you mean,
was your partner?
Oh, you got yourself
a new partner, Titus.
I sold my half to Clarence
here. Right, Clarence?
Right.
He's fixing to pay me
back out of the profits.
- You ain't rich?
- No, I ain't rich.
You can put up
that gun, Mr. Hagen.
Maybe I've been a mite foolish.
There's not going
to be a wedding?
Mrs. Fowler?
You all has been jawing that I
weren't good enough for Dora Lou
with only a hardscrabble farm.
Well, I ain't a farmer no more.
- I'm in the freight business.
- Oh, Clarence.
Titus: Hold it.
With him in the family,
and you owning the toll road,
we could make a mint of money!
Ma?
Well, like I said,
I done said I been foolish.
Clarence, you work hard
on that freight line, you hear?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure will.
Excuse me, Parson.
So, you be my new
son-in-law's partner, huh?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I reckon
it's sort of fitting
that you're wearing my dear,
departed husband's night shirt.
You be a bit scrawnier than him,
but you do look
something like him.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
today in the sight of God...
I swear to goodness, you'd get
in trouble at a lemonade social.
Well, I wouldn't have
gotten in no trouble at all
if it hadn't of been
for listening to you.
You're the one that talked me into
buying into the freightin' business
with old Titus.
Well, I had no...
You can't blame me...
Right there is when you should
have come to me for advice.
When you sold your partnership
in the freight business to Clarence.
Well, what would I
want to do that for?
I'm a-getting my
money back, ain't I?
Festus, in the world of
business and finance,
you always ask for interest.
Oh, Clarence, he's got a
whole heap of interests.
Why, he's got plans
that you wouldn't...
That's not what I mean
at all. What I mean is...
I mean, money interest, you see?
Like, well, three or
four percent at least.
I don't know about that,
but he's giving me
$50 extra over the $400.
He is?
Would that there
be the same thing?
Hmm. I'm amazed.
Well, never mind the interest.
No, you don't.
Now, there you go
again a-starting something
and then dropping
it like a hot skillet.
Now, if I'm supposed to
be interested in interest,
you ought to have enough
interest to tell me about interest,
so that I can get
interested in interest.
But if you ain't got enough
interest in my interest in interest,
well then you can ju...
Doc?
You just ain't got
no interest at all.
Announcer: Stay tuned for exciting
scenes from our next Gunsmoke.
Subtitled by Post Haste Digital
James Arness as Matt Dillon.
Mmm. Say, that's
good coffee, Kitty.
That's good. What's the secret?
- Eggshells.
- Eggshells! Certainly.
Why don't you try eggshells?
Why can't you make coffee like this?
Well, I don't notice you
turning any of mine down.
Stage come in with the mail.
- Oh, good.
- Let's see here now.
Them there is for you, Matthew.
Oh, thank you, Festus.
- And here's yours, Miss Kitty.
- Thank you.
That there batch
is for you, Doc.
Okay, thank you, Festus.
- Here, Matt.
- Oh.
- Here.
- There's another one for you.
Matt: Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Here.
- Kitty.
- That's yours, Doc.
- Matt.
- Here you go.
Kitty.
Well, that writing's so blamed small,
I reckon I made a mistake or two.
You made a mistake or three.
There's one for you in there.
Who'd be writing to me?
Well, I imagine the mystery will be
cleared up when you open the letter.
Uh...
Seeing as you got
your glasses on, Doc,
maybe you could make
that out for me there.
Wait a minute... What's it say?
Well, for heaven's sake.
What's it say?
Kitty, look at
that. Look at that.
- What's it say?
- Matt, read this.
Lookie there. Look at that.
Festus: Matthew, what's it say?
What's it say?
You, uh, you remember a fellow by
the name of Grimes... Petey Grimes?
Petey Grimes.
Of course I do.
He come through here about three
years ago on his way to Montana.
I loaned him about $10
so he could get some goods
to go on to the goldfield with.
Well, this letter here is from
an attorney in San Francisco.
Seems like your friend Grimes
hit it big in the goldfields out there,
lived high on the hog,
and died a happy man.
He's left you some money.
You mean old Petey's
gonna pay me back
the $10 he owes me?
It's a little bit
more than that.
You bet!
From church mouse to
tycoon in one little jump.
Festus...
It's on the house.
Oh, Miss Kitty, you know I
don't start drinking this early.
You're going to today.
Listen to this:
"Pay to the order of
Festus Hagen... $500."
$500?!
Get out of this bank!
Get your penny-pinching
hands off of me!
I'm gonna knock knots on your
head faster than you can rub them
if you don't turn loose my coat.
I ought to bust you one
right between the horns.
You can see my freight wagon's
worth the loan of two hundred dollars.
That?
That's not worth 200
cents as collateral!
Besides, we don't put up with
people barging into the bank.
Hold on, hold on. Now,
what's going on here?
He threw an inkwell, Festus.
When Mr. Bodkin
refused to give him a loan...
I never did no such a thing.
It kind of scooted
across the desk a little
when I... catches my hand.
He created such a fuss,
Miss Abigail near fainted!
Bankers!
All you know to do is foreclose
mortgages on innocent widows.
All right, hold on, hold on.
I'm ashamed of you, Titus.
Throwing inkwells!
What I ought to do is
put you in the calaboose.
That's what I ought to do.
Oh, Festus, I didn't hit
nobody. I didn't mean no harm.
I just had to do something! That
miserable bunch of skinflint bankers.
All right, all right, now I'll
tell you what I'm fixing to do.
If you'll promise not to
stir up no more ruckuses,
I'll take you into the Long
Branch and buy you a beer.
You trying to bribe me?
No, I ain't trying to bribe
you, you old knot head.
I'm just trying to
keep you out of jail.
Well, if that be the aim,
I guess you mean kinder by it.
But I ain't no charity case.
I'll buy the beer.
All right.
Seeing as you stirred up all this
mess, I'll just let you buy the beer.
Uh, Festus...
Could you... sort of
loan me ten cents?
Come on.
Rich, Festus, rich.
Be rich just a-getting
your wagon fixed?
No, not just fixing the wagon.
I found me a new
trail to Denver.
A new trail to Denver?
This line here, that's the regular
stage and freight road to Denver.
Goes gallywhompin' all
over the place, don't it?
But look at this
here other line.
That's the trail I found.
With my wagon
fixed and good nags,
I could open up a
regular freight line
and make $40 a trip two
or three times a month.
$40 a trip!
Two or three times a
month, maybe more.
You saying getting
that wagon of yours fixed
and buying them horses
would run you around $200?
Eh, might as well be a million.
Wait a minute.
$40 a trip.
Maybe four times a month.
Rich, I tell you.
Festus, I'd wind up a rich man
with proper gear
for a 300-mile haul.
Wait a minute here, now, Titus.
Maybe you're going
about this thing all wrong.
Instead of trying to
borrow the money,
did you ever thing of maybe
getting yourself a partner?
Fifty-fifty?
Partner putting up the money?
Ain't nobody
around here got $200
excepting them bankers,
and they throwed me out.
Well, I better go
see about my team.
Titus, I'll maybe see you
down at the livery directly.
I just might have me a
friend that would want to
get to be a partner with
you in this here business.
You got a friend with money?
Oh, you might say he's
a pretty close friend, too.
I'll see you directly.
Well, I'd say it'd be shaving
about a week off the trip, Festus.
See, I'm always authorized to send freight
out of Dodge by the cheapest routes.
So, I could give you all the
business you could handle.
All the business
we could handle?
Sure. I got a load back there
right now you could take out.
Much obliged,
Burke. Be right back.
This here's a map showing
the route our wagon will take
to get to Denver in eight days.
And old Burke's done told me that he'll
have more business than I can handle.
Well, I know it's a good idea to
put your money to work, Festus.
I guess this is as
good a way as any.
I'd say so, too.
I figured you'd think
it was a good idea.
Even old Doc said so.
I'm fixing to go tell old Titus
he's got hisself a partner.
Much obliged for the advice.
I didn't know Titus
was in on this, Kitty.
Hmm.
I'm not so sure we gave
him the right advice after all.
He's older than old Doc is.
By grannies, I
can't get over it.
You cagey old coyote.
It was you all along
had the money.
It was Miss Kitty and Matthew
and Doc that talked me into this.
So if things don't go right,
you'll be answering to them.
Think this here old
box will patch up, do ya?
Two days' work and
she'll be good as new.
We'll have a little
sign right along here:
"Titus and Hagen
Freight Company."
What's the matter
with "Hagen and Titus"?
Seeing as you're
investing your money, uh...
it's right that
your name be first.
Of course it is.
Except, uh, we don't want 'em
to think we're ignorant, do we?
We got to do this
alphabetical-like.
Now, don't "T" for Titus
come before "H" for Hagen?
I reckon that there
would be the proper way.
Well, get it on over yonder to
McGraw's and get him to patching it.
Uh, Festus, I'll be
needing your money.
Well, everybody in
town knows I got money.
Just go over yonder and
get whatever you need
and tell him I'll
settle up later.
I'm gonna go see Burke
about our first load of freight.
Anything I need?
All the hubbub
going on in yonder
sounds like they're putting
on a heap of patches.
Ah, them fellers just hammer
around and make a lot of racket.
Make you think they're doing
more work then they actually are.
Why, without me keeping
my eye peeled on 'em,
they'd try to cheat us
out of our last nickel.
- You mean my nickel.
- Well, we're partners, ain't we?
One for all and all for one.
What's yours is mine
and what's mine is yours.
Well, I want to see what's
yours that belongs to me.
Of course you do,
Festus, of course you do.
And you're gonna, too, just
as soon as she's all foxied up.
Which ain't yet.
And another thing.
Look at you.
You may be dressed all
right for a deputy, maybe,
but not for a big,
important businessman.
Fiddle. There ain't nothing
wrong with these here duds.
Ain't nothing wrong
with a sage hen, neither.
But it's peacock that
makes folks pay attention.
Now, ain't that what we want,
starting up a new business?
It wouldn't hurt none to go on
over yonder to the Emporium,
see if they got
any fitting duds.
New suit, folks would think
you was really some pumpkin.
Get us more freight business.
Wouldn't hurt none to go over
yonder and browse around, I reckon.
I'll see you directly.
Did you two ever see this
town so quiet? I never did.
I haven't even had as
much as a sore throat to treat.
Not that I mind,
but everybody needs a little
excitement now and then.
I think you're just
about to get your wish.
Where did that come from?
Well, what are you
popping your eyeballs at?
This here's the latest
thing for businessmen.
You look marvelous, Festus.
Last time I saw a fella dressed
like that, he was holding a lily.
Festus, uh, Titus was
in a little while ago.
He says your
wagon's about ready.
I ain't saw it yet.
But I hope they done
some good fixing on it
'cause old Burke's got a
good big load of freight for us.
That reminds me,
Titus left these for
you. They're bills.
Sure is a heap of paper
for a few little old nails
and a dab or two of paint,
ain't it?
Titus said some of them fellers
is liable to do some cheating.
Doc, you got kind
of a head for figuring.
Seeing as you're always sending
out them bills that done in your patients,
you could probably spot,
uh, somebody else's cheating.
All right, let me have
a look here some.
Now that's a little
high, and that.
By golly, most of
these look like...
Wait a minute, what's this?
Jeb Hooten's
steam calliope, $29.
Well, that there is
cheating right there.
If there's anything a feller
don't need to fixing up a wagon
it's a steam calliope.
All right, as near
as I can figure out,
this whole thing comes to $402!
Four hundred and two dollars!
What in thunder is
going on out there?
Four hundred and two dollars!
Look out, look out, look out!
All your blamed fancy doodads
and froufrou Jeb
Hooten's steam calliope.
Four hundred and two dollars!
It was supposed to be $200.
That was before I got
me a financial partner.
And it was you who
said to get what I needed.
Well, I never figured we'd be
needing no spangled up circus wagon
and a whole barn full of
prize horses to pull it with.
Ah, Festus, you just
ain't learned to think big.
You got to admit I started
off with a bang, didn't I?
Didn't you see
them folks staring?
Staring, my foot...
they was blinded!
Instead of frettin' about all
these here fancy gee-gaws,
you'd ought to have been a
keepin' an eye on this painter.
Look here at all the paintin'
that's supposed to have been did
that ain't been did.
See, it...
Well then, there's
buckshot holes.
Buckshot!
By grannies, Festus,
I believe you're right.
It must have happened
before I bought me the wagon.
Titus, I sure hope you
ain't telling me no fibs,
'cause whoever put them
buckshot holes in this wagon
was sure shooting at somebody.
Hyah! Hyah!
Trail's a mite rough, Festus,
but it gets better after a spell.
There's a whole heap of things
better start to getting better.
Like, I better start
getting back my $402.
You will, you will.
And I'll go you
one better than that.
Wouldn't it be better if we got
us a second wagon later on?
That's better than your better...
We'd make twice as much money.
Will you hush up
that silly jabbering?
Here we ain't even got
started on our first run yet,
and you're already
talking about two wagons.
You make me sick.
Six wagons?
Titus, you're
full of jellybeans.
Who's gonna pay
for all them wagons?
Then with ten wagons,
we can move into Nebraska!
Buy out Wells Fargo!
The railroad!
The Titus and Hagen
Gold Plate Line.
We'd each have us a private car.
And then maybe...
a string of paddle
wheelers on the Mississippi.
Will you hush up about that?
The onliest thing I
know is that I got $402
tied up tighter than a tick
in this here circus wagon,
and I aim to get
that back first.
Whoa! Ho! Hold up.
- What's the matter?
- Nothing.
Would you take over the
reigns for a spell, Festus,
and I'll go back and crawl under
the tarp and take me a snooze.
Snooze?
Well, we're going to
be camping for the night
in about an hour, you knot-head.
I know, but when
I get the wearies,
I just fold up like
an empty feed sack.
It's a sort of condition.
I just feel my eyelids
snapping shut.
And there's nothing you can do
about it only get some shuteye.
Giddup!
Whoa.
All right, come on, get out of
there, you sneaky little turnip.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I'm doing this for
a good reason.
A good reason my hind leg.
I know why you
slipped off back here.
'Cause you knowed there's
a gate coming up, didn't you?
It's a toll gate. You go
to pay to get through.
And if they see me back here, they'd
want to charge us for another one.
Oh.
Get back in there.
Oh, howdy, fellers.
This here you
fellers' gate, is it?
Say, does this here gate
belong to you fellers, does it?
Gold paint.
Sure some outfit.
What I was wondering
about was this here gate.
Mister, sure
traveling in rich style.
Well... starting up a
new freight run to Denver.
Now, about this here gate here.
- Is that...
- That gate be a toll gate.
If you wants to cross
our land, you got to pay.
We generally charges a dollar.
But for a wagon like this...
We'll have to think on it.
You!
Thievin' varmint. We'll
break your scrawny neck.
Turn me loose! Turn me loose!
Mister, this cheatin' skunk come
through here about two weeks ago.
We give him bed and grub.
And he snuck off to his old
wagon and rode off without paying.
Took a shot at him,
but he got away.
Oh, so that there's where
that buckshot come from, huh?
I didn't have no money, Festus.
Now, Mister, you made a mistake
hiring this old rooster for your flunkie.
Why, he'll cheat you
just like he done us.
Let us work him over.
He's been nothing more
than a mealy-mouth little worm.
You gonna let him
call me names like that?
I been thinking along
them same lines myself.
How much this little
knot-head owe you?
- Board.
- Lodging.
- And toll.
- Two dollars.
Two dollars?
Yeah.
Worth 35 cents.
If you gonna be paying for him,
then we'll let
bygones be bygones.
Blamed late to go any further.
All right with you fellers if we
was to camp out here tonight?
Up to the gate
it be public land.
No skin off of our teeth.
When you get settled down,
you come on up to the house.
Maybe Ma'll have
figured out what to charge.
Come on, Amos.
You heard what they said.
They think you hired
me as your flunkie.
When we get up to the house there, you
tell them the truth... I'm your partner.
Oh, yeah. That would make a
whole heap of sense, wouldn't it?
Them a-likening you to a
polecat with the measles.
If we're gonna drive a freight
wagon and we got to pay toll,
we just got to
pay it, that's all.
Besides, if they knowed
you was a part of this thing,
they'd charge us so blamed-much
toll we'd be plumb out of business.
Don't you see?
You got a point there, Festus.
Got more than a point, too.
I got $402 I'm gonna get back.
All right, all right, but
maybe I can help a little,
knowing the folks a mite.
Uh, now you met Amos and Moody.
But their ma, Mrs. Fowler, she's
the one you gotta cozy up to.
Rules the roost, she does.
Got a look that'd send a hungry
bear runnin' back to his cave.
That means they'll be
coming through regular, huh?
Well, we can't steer 'em
off by charging too much,
but we don't want to give
them no cut-price, neither.
Here he comes, Ma.
You boys done your part,
now I'm gonna do mine.
You keep your mouth shut
and your eyes open, you hear?
Your old ma knows how
to handle these fancy Dans.
Amos and Moody is bad enough,
but Ma Fowler, well,
she's an odd one.
You get her riled up and she won't let
us cross the land for no amount of money.
Amos, Moody,
I've caught me the
skunk that fleeced us.
It's all right, Ma, he's
this rich fella's flunky.
- He's been paid off.
- Yeah.
Amos and Moody
told me all about you.
I'm Ma Fowler.
How do, ma'am? My
name's Festus Hagen.
I thought you was a fancy Dan.
But I see different.
You got a look about you,
even with them dudey clothes.
Come on in and sit.
Amos, Moody,
you look Mr. Hagen
over real good.
If we get rich like him, I want
you boys knowing how gents dress.
I ain't meaning to be rude,
Mr. Hagen, but I likes what I sees in you.
You ain't hoighty-toighty
like some of them rich folk,
or holding your nose like
you got a bad smell under it.
Maybe my boys could
learn a thing or two from you.
Well, I'm thanking you for thinking
what you're thinking, ma'am,
but I'd like to learn
something my own self,
like how much toll
are you fixing to charge
for the wagon
crossing your land?
You see, boys?
Rich folks don't waste no
time beating around the bush.
They come right out with it.
That's what I like
about you, Mr. Hagen.
'Cause that's the way I be.
So I'll tell ya.
I ain't made up my mind.
But I'll, um, ponder on it while
I'm rustling us up some supper.
You and your
flunky can sit with us.
The vittles ain't fancy but they're
filling. It'll cost you 50 cents.
Amos, you bring some water.
Moody, fill the wood box.
Yeah, Ma.
You got her eating out the
palm of your hand, Festus.
Yeah, and the onliest reason
is 'cause she thinks I'm rich.
That's all. And I'm fixing
to tell her the truth, too.
What? When she's made up
her mind to something else?
Oh, women don't take
kindly to making a mistake.
Especially one like her.
I ain't gonna lie to her.
Keeping quiet ain't a lie.
If she wants to think what
she thinks, well, fiddle...
Then I'm thinking we wouldn't be
in this here mess we're in right now
if it hadn't of been for you.
Flossying up that there wagon
and talking me into buying
these here dudey clothes.
It's them dudy clothes that got
Mrs. Fowler cozying up to you.
Way it is now, you could
sweet talk her into most anything.
Like maybe us not
payin' no toll at all.
Ah!
I ain't made up my mind
about the toll charge.
I wants to be fair.
Yes, ma'am, I'm sure you do.
I ain't above slickering
them what tries to slicker me.
- No, ma'am.
- But you didn't try to slicker me.
You got money,
and you don't hide it,
what with your fancy
clothes and the wagon.
Oh, Festus... I mean,
Mr. Hagen here...
There just ain't nobody
any more honester than him.
My boys tell me that you'll be
coming through here regular.
And that you're starting
a freight run up to Denver.
Yes, ma'am, that there is right.
But you be already rich.
So you must have other
wagons going other places.
Other wagons, ma'am?
Why, ma'am, he don't even
bother counting his other wagons.
Ain't that so, Festus?
- Counting wagons...
- See what I mean?
And I'll tell you why
he don't count 'em.
'Cause he's got
other irons in the fire.
Why just this very
day, Mr. Hagen and me
was talking about
starting up a railroad.
And a dozen big, white
Mississippi stern-wheelers.
- Now ain't that so, Mr. Hagen?
- It was you that was doing...
Railroad? Steamboats?
What, with railroads and
steamboats and wagons,
you must be plumb smart.
So I ain't gonna try to
outsmart you on the toll charge.
We'll talk about
it after supper,
and it be ready,
so come on, let's sit.
Now, where's your sister at?
I swear, that
child's never around.
You know, Dora Lou,
she's pretty as a picture.
She takes after
her poor, dead pa.
May he rest in peace.
- Take your hat off.
- Ah.
Amos, you go fetch
your sister, hear?
Yes, Ma.
That there's a mighty
pretty name, Dora Lou.
I'll be real pleasurin'
to meet up with her.
I get along right
good with young ones.
Dora Lou, Ma says
it be time for vittles.
You get in here now, you hear?
She be coming, Ma.
Awfully sorry I'm late,
Ma, I was just... Oh.
Dora Lou, I'd like you to
meet up with Mr. Hagen.
How do, Miss Fowler?
And this one's his paid flunkie.
My name's Titus.
How... How do?
Oh, them be purty flowers.
Fixed yourself up
for company, huh?
I didn't know we had
us any company, Ma.
- Then what good is flowers?
- Ma!
Oh, him.
I ain't much hungry, Ma.
She's mooning over
Clarence Carver, Ma.
Moody!
Him and his hardscrabble farm.
Patch-pocket poor. He'll
never be nothing else.
Well, he's no poorer than us.
More's the pity, child.
You know, you're too
good for the likes of him.
Now, you take
Mr. Hagen over there.
He made something of hisself.
Bet his wife don't have to eat
no hog back and turnip greens.
Oh, I ain't married up, ma'am.
I never got around to that.
Ain't married up?
Rich feller like you?
Don't seem possible some
smart gal ain't managed that.
I bet you could give
your wife silk dresses
and jewelry
and servants, and
a fancy carriage.
Now, speaking of carriages.
Ain't no sense in yours
sitting out in the weather.
After you've ate, you just
bring her right into the barn.
Much obliged, ma'am.
Mr. Hagen, you must think
we ain't got no manners.
I don't know what
I'm thinking about,
putting both us womenfolk
on the same side of the table.
Moody, change
places with your sister.
- Huh?
- You heard me, move!
Sure, Ma.
Well, that be a
mite sight better.
No one can say us
Fowlers ain't got manners.
You after this one, Mr. Hagen?
No, ma'am, I was
aiming this here'n for you.
Well, turn loose of it then.
I can't sit with you
holding it, can I?
Amos, Moody,
look at your sister.
She ain't never sat herself down beside
a rich feller with fancy clothes before.
She takes to it like she
was a born princess.
Class will tell every time!
It sure is good to be
out of that blamed house.
Have you saw what that
Old Lady Fowler's been up to?
I seen it before you did.
Perfectly natural for a mother
to wanna marry her daughter up
to a big steamship
and railroad man.
Cut that out! I ain't no
such thing, and you know it.
Well, you know it and I know it,
but Ma Fowler, she don't know it.
Well, she's gonna know it,
'cause I'm fixing to tell her.
Festus, the second-worse-thing
a man can do
is to scorn a woman.
And the worstest thing you
can do is to scorn her daughter.
Now, do you want
to lose that $400?
It's $402,
and even if it is, I ain't
going to marry Dora Lou.
Festus, I do believe you
ain't dry behindst the ears, yet.
Don't you know what has to
be did before a feller marries up?
For one thing, he's got
to want to get married up.
You got to court her.
And courting means
nothing at all, nothing at all.
All you got to do is look like a
sick sheep and do a little spooning.
Spooning?
I ain't gonna do no spoon...
It wouldn't be fair
to that poor little girl
to have her think that I was
a-courting her for actual real.
Girls love to be courted!
Why, you'd be doing her a favor.
Whilst you was bringing the roses to
her cheeks and a sparkle to her eye,
well, we'd be a-driving wagons across
the land and not paying no toll at all.
Ma Fowler: You ain't never
had a chance like this before,
and you ain't never
gonna get another.
I don't want Mr. Hagen!
I... I wants Clarence!
But you don't want your
old ma or Amos or Moody
to have anything, is that it?
After all we've done for you.
Can't you see he's
rich enough for all of us?
Now, Mr. Hagen’s
coming. You perk up here.
Your wagon all right?
Yes, ma'am, it's all right.
Sit down, Mr. Hagen.
No, you be the guest of honor.
You take the sofa
next to Dora Lou.
Scootch over, Dora Lou.
Ain't that pretty music, Festus?
Ah, takes me back to
my own courting days.
Uh, Mr. Hagen, this
freight line of yours,
you'll be coming
through here steady-like?
Yes, ma'am, I reckon we will.
Well, then, why don't you make our
house your regular stopping place?
Well, that there is
mighty kind of you, ma'am,
but you ain't told me
what the toll's gonna be.
Toll? What toll?
If you're gonna be stopping here regular,
you'd be just like one of the family.
We don't charge kinfolk.
What you want, Clarence?
I be calling on Dora Lou.
I brung her some posies...
Clarence.
Ma Fowler: I been hinting for months
that you ain't welcome around here.
You ain't got nothing
but a hardscrabble farm.
And that ain't good
enough for my Dora Lou.
You don't want the posies?
You either! Now out!
Oh! Oh, Clarence... Oh!
Ma'am, that there appeared
like a right fine young feller.
There's a big mistake here.
Oh, a mother knows
best, Mr. Hagen.
And I'm beholden to you for saving
Dora Lou from a lifetime of heartache.
Appears like she's got a
good case of that right now.
Oh, what's a few minutes
of tears compared to
fifty years of trying
to scratch out a living
in a farm like Clarence's?
And when she gets to know you better,
I'm sure she'll know the truth of it.
Come morning, I'm gonna make
you and Dora Lou a real fine breakfast.
You'll be surprised how
bright and cheery she'll be.
Give me the lamp, Amos.
This be the start of
a real fine friendship.
Well, I'll show you and your flunkie
where to bed down, Mr. Hagen.
Maybe it's time I started
to calling you Festus.
Miss Dora Lou!
Please, Mr. Hagen, not so loud!
What in tarnation are you
doing traipsing around in here?
I was in my room thinking on it,
and well, I had to come see ya.
You lookie here, Dora Lou...
No, you lookie here, Mr. Hagen.
- I come to tell you something...
- Shh!
And I'm gonna say it!
You! You...
You come prancing in here in your
fancy clothes and your fancy wagon
and boasting about your
railroads and your steamboats,
and think you can just wiggle your finger
and womenfolk will come a-chasing you?
- I never...
- You just wiggle your finger
at those that want your
jewelry and your silk dresses,
and your mansions, you
hear? 'Cause I ain't one of 'em!
I'm gonna marry
up with Clarence!
I... I don't be knowing how,
but Ma and Moody and
Amos ain't gonna stop me.
So you can just do whatever
you want, Mr. Fancypants rich man,
I ain't for sale!
Are you done talking, are ya?
You want some more?
I wasn't even wanting that much,
so why don't you just walk back
and go through that
whole thing one more time.
What... What would
you be meaning?
Tell you what I'm meaning,
you're making a whopping big
mistake, that's what I'm meaning.
Well, just listen to you.
I'll be having you know that Clarence
is good as you be, any old day!
Oh, maybe he ain't got your
money or your slick wagon...
Whoa, now!
I made a mistake of
saying you made a mistake,
but the mistake I'm a-talking
about is the mistake you made before
the mistake that you're
thinking I'm talking about.
Don't ya see?
Oh, Mr. Hagen,
I be nothing more than a
plain old backwoods gal,
but don't be thinking you could get
me all addled up with your smooth talk.
Wait a minute!
What I'm trying to tell you
is we both been a-listening
to too blame-much talk.
- Now, you take old Titus in there...
- Shh!
Talking me into buying these
here dudy clothes, and railroads,
and a-talking me
into not talking
when your Ma's a-talking about
me being rich and stuff like that.
And that I can buy you
fancy jewels and steamboats...
W... Are you saying you can't?
Well, of course I can't.
Can't marry ya.
You don't like me.
Well, it ain't that.
Just this whole silly thing.
And come morning, I'm
a-fixing to tell your ma, too.
Toll road or no toll road.
Now, you... you be meaning that?
Of course I do.
You mean, me and
Clarence? Oh, Mr. Hagen!
I think you're just
the loveablest man.
- Wait...
- And I want to give you a big kiss!
Thank you!
Oh!
I'm caught! I'm caught!
Will you just, just...
Want me to shoot him, Ma?
It be too late for that.
What's done is done.
You done disgraced our Dora Lou.
They be only one way out.
Amos, you get
over the settlement.
And when you comes back,
you bring Parson
Mueller with ya, hear?
Yeah, Ma.
Oh, Ma, you just
don't understand.
Oh, hush up.
Hush up, it weren't your fault.
It was my fault, I reckon.
I never warned you
about those things.
You got to listen to me,
ma'am, this here wasn't no...
Shut up!
We'll go find my
old wedding dress.
- Oh, no!
- The one me and your pa was married in.
- Come on.
- Ma, please!
- Moody...
- No funny stuff, Hagen.
You got the wrong idea. This
here ain't nothing like you think it is.
Save your lying.
Only words I'm gonna listen to
is after the parson gets here.
One good thing
about this, Hagen.
You be disgracing my family,
but leastwise you got the
money to make up for it.
I ain't never had a rich
brother-in-law before.
Don't try nothing funny.
I'll be right outside.
Look at it this way, Festus.
You'll be part of the family, and
maybe we won't have to pay no toll
at all to cross the land
with our freight wagons.
Freightin' wagon?
Is that all your puny
little old head can think of,
is freightin' wagons?
I keep trying to be practical.
You want me to be, what
you call... Your best man?
There ain't gonna be no wedding.
Get out of this stuff...
No, don't jump out the window!
Get out of my way.
Marriage ain't all that bad.
I'm going back to
Dodge, getting Matthew,
and I'm gonna
bring him back here
and me and him, we're gonna get
this dad-burned mess straightened out.
That's what we're gonna do.
Well, if you've made
up your mind to go,
I'm going with ya.
Oh, you ain't gonna
do no such thing.
And I'm gonna
be moving too fast.
Besides, I'll be lucky
if I can get out of here
without old Moody hearing me.
And if he does, there's liable to be
buckshot a-flying every which way.
I'll stay here.
I'll stay here!
I knowed I'd catch
you if I hung around.
You be thinking you could
steal my Dora Lou, huh?
No, Clarence.
I ain't trying to
steal Dora Lou.
Don't be trying no
rich man lies on me.
Getting so tired of trying to tell
anybody anything around this place.
Well, I'm gonna be telling
you something with my fist.
Shootin' be too good for you.
There ain't no call to
be fighting, Clarence.
Just listen to me.
Scared, huh?
If you was a man, you'd be
willing to fight for Dora Lou.
Now... we're fixing
to do some talking.
We're fixing to be fighting.
- Talking.
- Fighting!
I'm... I'm ready, Ma.
If you'd just listen...
What's to listen to?
We seen what we seen, didn't we?
Might as well save your
breath for saying "I do."
I hear Amos and the parson.
- Oh...
- I'll drag down the bridegroom.
Morning, Parson Mueller.
Kindly of you to come.
Amos has acquainted
me with the circumstances.
Oh, now, my dear child.
To err is human.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, yes, yes, the
lucky bridegroom.
- No, no, no...
- This worm ain't the bridegroom.
Got clean away.
Well, he won't be
getting away with it.
You boys get a move on
and track him down, you hear?
We'll shoot him down.
There ain't a jury in the
world would touch us.
Hold on!
You bring him back
alive, you hear?
Shall I wait?
I reckon you
better wait, Parson.
Be kind of good to
have somebody listening
that ain't done already
made up their mind.
What in the fire
happened, Festus?
Oh, I run into old Clarence here
and he wanted to
do some fighting,
and I wanted to do some talking.
He got his way first.
Clarence: We ought
to have talked first.
This here Festus, whoo-ee!
He sure packs a wallop.
Appears like I was
wrong about Mr. Hagen.
Appears like being
wrong about Mr. Hagen
is getting to be a
habit around here.
First off, you was wrong
about me and Dora Lou.
I seen what I seen.
You turned her into
a wanton woman.
She was a-wanting
to talk, that's all.
Just talk.
Appears to me like you've been
seeing a whole mess of things
without thinking, ma'am.
First off, you seen
that fancy wagon,
and then you seen
these here dudy clothes
and what did you start
thinking right off the bat?
"Oh, he's rich."
Well, I ain't rich!
You expect a body
to believe that?
What about your other
wagons and the railroad?
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, now.
You just start to recollecting.
You never heard me say
one word about no such things.
What I ought to have
did, the very first thing,
was to tell you that I didn't
own but half of that wagon.
Only half? Well, now, who
be owning the other half?
That little knot-head.
Old Titus there,
he ain't my flunkie,
he... he was my partner.
What do you mean,
was your partner?
Oh, you got yourself
a new partner, Titus.
I sold my half to Clarence
here. Right, Clarence?
Right.
He's fixing to pay me
back out of the profits.
- You ain't rich?
- No, I ain't rich.
You can put up
that gun, Mr. Hagen.
Maybe I've been a mite foolish.
There's not going
to be a wedding?
Mrs. Fowler?
You all has been jawing that I
weren't good enough for Dora Lou
with only a hardscrabble farm.
Well, I ain't a farmer no more.
- I'm in the freight business.
- Oh, Clarence.
Titus: Hold it.
With him in the family,
and you owning the toll road,
we could make a mint of money!
Ma?
Well, like I said,
I done said I been foolish.
Clarence, you work hard
on that freight line, you hear?
Oh, yes, ma'am, I sure will.
Excuse me, Parson.
So, you be my new
son-in-law's partner, huh?
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I reckon
it's sort of fitting
that you're wearing my dear,
departed husband's night shirt.
You be a bit scrawnier than him,
but you do look
something like him.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here
today in the sight of God...
I swear to goodness, you'd get
in trouble at a lemonade social.
Well, I wouldn't have
gotten in no trouble at all
if it hadn't of been
for listening to you.
You're the one that talked me into
buying into the freightin' business
with old Titus.
Well, I had no...
You can't blame me...
Right there is when you should
have come to me for advice.
When you sold your partnership
in the freight business to Clarence.
Well, what would I
want to do that for?
I'm a-getting my
money back, ain't I?
Festus, in the world of
business and finance,
you always ask for interest.
Oh, Clarence, he's got a
whole heap of interests.
Why, he's got plans
that you wouldn't...
That's not what I mean
at all. What I mean is...
I mean, money interest, you see?
Like, well, three or
four percent at least.
I don't know about that,
but he's giving me
$50 extra over the $400.
He is?
Would that there
be the same thing?
Hmm. I'm amazed.
Well, never mind the interest.
No, you don't.
Now, there you go
again a-starting something
and then dropping
it like a hot skillet.
Now, if I'm supposed to
be interested in interest,
you ought to have enough
interest to tell me about interest,
so that I can get
interested in interest.
But if you ain't got enough
interest in my interest in interest,
well then you can ju...
Doc?
You just ain't got
no interest at all.
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