Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 16, Episode 14 - Sergeant Holly - full transcript
An Army sergeant is accused of desertion and the theft of an Army payroll.
(theme music playing)
Announcer: Gunsmoke, starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.
♪ And Mrs. Britchwood sing a
ditty from her dear old ditty bag ♪
♪ And every time she starts
to sing, me jowls begin to sag ♪
(chuckles)
All right, on your feet.
Stand easy.
Well, now, good thing I didn't
catch you boys playin' for real money,
seein' as you're on duty.
I'd have to lock you
all up in the stockade
for impersonatin' poker players.
Oh, yeah, I got here
Special Order #131.
And what it orders specially is
for us to go out and meet a train
a few miles west of here.
Hey, is that the
payroll train, for sure?
I ain't supposed to tell you no
more, but I wouldn't be surprised
you get paid on Monday mornin'.
Oh, I just come from
the telegraph office,
and that train's running
about three hours late,
so we'll be leavin' here
long about midnight.
Well, does that mean we got
to stay in here the whole time?
It does, Steckey.
Military security.
Why, folks see you sashaying around
all over town, they could speculate.
First thing you know, we'd have
every gulch-poppin' road agent
in lower left hand of Kansas
a-followin' us out to that train
trying to rob us of
our hard-won wages.
Now you just stay put and quiet,
and I'll keep my ear to the
ground up at the Long Branch, huh?
(chuckles)
Keep his ear to the ground while
he's got his belly up against the bar.
- How'd you like to see him do that?
- (all laugh)
♪ We had our choice of
going to the Army or to jail ♪
♪ So we puckered up our
courage and bravely went away ♪
♪ But we cursed the
day we marched away... ♪
That's him. If you can't see
him, you can always hear him.
He is one big gringo.
Now these six bottles
are for his troopers,
and this one is
for Sergeant Holly.
Six bottles for six troopers?
That's because them troopers is
Sergeant Emmet Holly's troopers,
and they're not his
troopers for nothin'.
Now there's enough laudanum
in those bottles to knock them out
and their horses. Now get goin'.
♪ ...for to fight
the Indians there ♪
♪ We were nearly
snatched bald-headed... ♪
Well, howdy, Sarge.
Hey, Festus. Where's
Marshal Big Fist?
If you're talking about
Matthew Dillon, he ain't in town.
He's been over in
Topeka for over a week.
Oh.
But if you're anti-pasting
any kind of trouble now,
you can call on them horse-army
fellows you got hid in the livery stable.
No trouble at all, Festus,
especially with Big
Fist up in Topeka.
Maybe now I can get me a few
minutes alone there with Miss Kitty.
She's always hidin'
under Dillon's jawbone
like a chickadee under
a toad-stool, but tonight...
Tonight she ain't a-working.
She's over yonder at the church
social. This here's ladies night.
Now wouldn't that frost your
non-commissioned follicles.
I finally get a chance to get next to
her and she's got to go get religion.
Now you listen here to me,
you go over yonder
a-trying to bust in,
and I'm going to have
to take you in hand.
Now don't you worry none. I ain't
gonna go around chasin' after her.
Ain't gonna have to fill your
official capacity on my account.
- Fill what?
- Your official capacity.
Figure mine at about four quarts,
give or take a couple of fingers.
(laughing)
Hey! Sam!
- Sarge?
- Corn whiskey without the kernels.
(laughs)
Hey... Jeeter, Willis P.
U.S. Fourth Cavalry.
Dishonorably discharged.
- Good to see you again, Sarge.
- Ha. Yeah, I'll bet.
Gentlemen, I'm opening a
poker game over here at this table
for those of you who got
more money than brains.
Just boots and saddles to
the center table. Ho! (chuckles)
Gather 'round at your leisure,
now. Thank you, Sam. Ah.
Mmm!
Oh, yes, that does
settle the dust and sand.
Now, I want all the pew
holders here to understand
that this is straight
stud-horse poker,
otherwise known as "Holly Wins."
Me being the only stud-horse
soldier in this gaggle of gamecocks.
Now we just riffle those
times two. A nice deep cut.
Mm-hmm. Let's see
what we got down here.
All right, there we go.
♪♪
(theme music playing)
Here we are.
A seven for the whiskey drummer
and for your humble servant, an ace.
Well, now, as ye
sow so shall ye reap.
Gentlemen, the offering
will be five dollars.
(humming)
A king, yes.
Oh, another seven for
the whiskey drummer.
Now those jacks and sevens
have got to beat my aces,
unless of course
this final card is...
Wouldn't that
frost your eyeballs?
All the artillery hangin' out
there in front of the spectators.
You catch that fourth ace?
Boy, unless you have got money in
the pot, never put hand to the board.
You want in, mister?
The ante's a dollar.
Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
No hard feelings on my side
for you testifyin' against
me at the court martial.
No, I'll admit it. I ran.
I'm grateful to you
for drummin' me out.
You probably
saved my life, Sarge.
Oh, how do you mean?
Well, I kept track of the outfit.
Kind of made me feel like part of it.
I heard you fought Quanah
Parker at Canon Blanco
right after my court martial.
And the way I heard it, when
those Comanches charged,
well, if I had...
You'd have probably died
in a cloud of dust. Hey, Sam!
Hup! (chuckles)
Let me pour you a drink, Sarge.
You're leanin' on my
tent little heart, boy.
Why should I drink
with the likes of you?
Why, because you're
one of my heroes.
(laughs)
Well, now, that's a lie,
and I'll sure drink to it.
Pour away. Pour away, my boy.
There we are. To slower
Indians and faster carbines.
(grunts)
Oh!
Oh, Jeeter!
Jeeter, I'm gonna
tell you one thing.
If you age half as bad as your
whiskey, you got about one month to live.
Whew!
Let's see what
the offering is here.
(knocking)
Buenas noches, señores.
- Hey, get out of here.
- The place is closed.
(speaking Spanish)
I bring whiskey for you.
Compliments of Sgt. Holly.
Hey, how about that?
Good ol' Sarge.
(speaking Spanish)
¡Hasta luego!
Oh, yes.
You know something, Jeeter?
I ought never to have left
the U.S. Fourth Cavalry.
How did it happen?
Oh, about the time I re-upped,
I got myself all gee-flummoxed
over this little gal
named Kitty Russell.
She runs this here place.
Oh, I tell you,
whatever boot they poured that
out still got somebody's foot in it.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
First thing Monday
morning, I'm...
I'm gonna tell Miss Russell
that either she can trundle
her troth off to Texas with me,
or she's gonna have
to get along without me.
Hm!
Oh!
Junglin' jalap, Sam.
What in the carboxylated hellfire
and brimstone is that potion?
Why that tastes like essence
of East Missouri stinkhorn.
I'm telling you, Sam,
somebody soured the mash.
Been no complaints
I've heard of, Sergeant.
Yeah, well, you
just heard one now.
Ha!
Oh.
Huh. Ten after the hour.
Oh, heck, I got to ride.
Boots and saddles. Ho!
Hep!
You know, I just might
have misjudged you, Jeeter.
I mean, your feeling a loyalty
to the outfit and everything
just proves you
can't be all bad.
I hate to see it end.
How's about if I rode out
with you on that detail?
Hey, don't you presume
on my good nature, boy.
What, you think I'd let you'd
ride the regimental colors?
You acted dishonorably, and
you are and were dishonored
and by the book and
by my own cyclometer,
I wouldn't let you ride on the limber
of the Fort Dodge latrine wagon.
Hey, dress right on the guidon.
Left wheel. Ho!
Hey, Jeeter. That's my horse.
- We're goin' by my horse!
- Chico, bring his horse.
Have you lost what
little mind you had left?
Will you stop a trundling
and a pushing me?
And you tell that Aztec to
stand away from my mount.
I'm just trying to keep
you out of trouble.
The day I need help
from the likes of you...
Get away from my horse!
(grunts)
Here's the orders.
Sam, I got us three uniforms.
- We need his coat for his stripes.
- Yeah.
(groans)
(groaning)
Whew!
Man: Steckey?
Huh?
Steckey? Hank, are you in there?
Hey, that... must
be Corporal Tuttle.
Steckey!
Hey, Corporal Tuttle!
Corporal Tuttle, what
are you doin' here?
Don't come any closer, Holly. I
don't wanna have to shoot you.
Ha! What's the matter with
you, Tuttle? Are you drunk?
Don't come no
closer! I'll shoot!
I'm pleased to do it,
after what you done.
And what was that?
I'm gonna put you
under military arrest.
Robbing the payroll. Takin' the wages
out of the pockets of your own men!
The payroll was
robbed? What time is it?
Where's that Corporal
Steckey? Hey, Steckey!
Here, you'll hurt
yourself with this thing.
Who said I done the robbery?
Well, the train messenger,
the one you shot.
I didn't shoot nobody.
And I didn't rob nobody.
Well, the train
messenger said it was you.
In uniform, with official
orders from Fort Dodge.
Orders...
Jeeter! Why that
dirty little skunk.
That's what he was after.
Liked to have poisoned me dead.
Lieutenant Mapes got an order out
for your arrest for robbery and assault.
You tryin' to tell me
somebody else did it?
That's right. And
if I had the time,
I would kick your cantle
from here to the orderly room
for even thinkin' such a thing.
And that shave-tail
Mapes right along with you.
Steckey!
Over here. Over here.
Here, what's that?
Jalap.
Jalap. Where'd you get that?
Well, you know, the...
the Mexican man.
Jeeter's Aztec.
Hey, Tuttle, you hear that?
You wait till Lieutenant Mapes
hears about you resisting arrest.
Come on...
Where's the rest of them?
Oh, Steckey.
- Whoa there.
- Hey.
- Sergeant Holly.
- Hey, Doc!
Just the man I wanna see. Listen,
I got some sick troopers in here.
Hey, take a whiff
of that stuff there.
Smells kind of funny.
Why, it's got laudanum in it.
Laudanum! What?!
That runkle-eyed
snipe of a Jeeter.
Jalaped the lot of us.
Robbed the payroll.
Stole my orders. Here,
take a look at that critter.
(coughs)
Here.
I got five more in
there just like him.
I'd sure appreciate it if
you'd take care of 'em.
All right, you come on in here
too and I'll have a look at your head.
Oh, don't worry, ain't
nobody can hurt this head.
(pounding on door)
Who is it?
It's First Sergeant
Emmet Holly, ma'am.
I wish you'd let me in. I've
got a personal... calamity.
It's a what?
It's a calamity. Now,
that's the gospel truth.
Oh, evening, ma'am. (chuckles)
Oh. Oh, now listen,
I've been drinking,
but I ain't drunk.
Is that the calamity?
Oh, no, no.
See, I been accused of
robbing the Fort Dodge payroll.
That's what it is.
Come on in, Sergeant.
Mm.
Uh... g-g-get that
horse out of here!
Well, no, it would be a dead
giveaway if I was to leave him outside.
Besides, he's house broke.
There, just stand easy,
there, Private Horse.
(chuckles)
Pour yourself a drink
and tell me all about it.
Oh, that's real smoky there.
Mmm!
(humming)
No, I do not deny that I was derelict
in my duty to stay sober and alert.
Let 'em try me on that.
Yeah. Let 'em arrest me.
Lock me up. Take
away my chevrons.
But to accuse me of turnin' on my
own. That's goin' beyond the beyond.
Uh... Would you...
Why the Mason jars?
Well, did you notice
the reluctant manner
in which that whiskey
left that there bottle?
Glug, glug, bubble glug, like...
- All you have to do is just tip it...
- Wait, look.
Wait, look. Big, wide, smooth
mouth like that, you get a good flow.
Mmm.
You sure do.
- Comes in very handy on a hot afternoon...
- Yeah.
When them red
Indians is shooting at ya.
Well, I mean, a man's sippin'
time is severely limited. See?
Now I can get about a pint
of that down there and workin'
before your average red Indian
could thread up another arrow.
(laughs) Yes, it's very useful.
You know, I don't know why
the Army has lost all
that kind of faith in me.
Why don't you let Matt
Dillon bring Jeeter in?
Yeah, well, I know where he is.
Blister Canyon.
Leastwise I remember he used
to have a place up there somehow.
Oh, well, I know where that is.
It's about, uh, 40
miles south of here.
I still think you should
let Matt bring him in.
No, see, he's not here, and
Jeeter's already halfway there.
So I can't take the chance.
You know how Big Fist is.
I mean, if it
ain't legal, hit it.
Okay, you know better than that.
How are you fixed for cash?
When Jeeter took my
jacket, he got all my money.
I mean, you got about a hundred
dollars you can let me have?
Till I get back.
I mean, I'm gonna need
some grub and such like.
You know, I'm not really
sure I should be doing this.
(chuckles)
Here, Private
Horse, ladies first.
- (Kitty sighs)
- Oh, me.
(mutters)
You know I'm gonna
have to tell Matt about this.
Oh, really? Why is that?
I mean, I tell you something,
he ain't gonna like it at all.
Why isn't he gonna like it?
Well, I mean, you know,
an eligible bachelor like me.
You know Big Fist. He's
just apt to throw a jealous fit.
(laughs)
Come on, Private Horse. Hyah!
Sergeant Holly riding out?
He should have let me
have a look at his head first.
I think you should have
a look at my head, Doc.
I let him have the money
so he could ride out.
I ain't never heard such a
twang-bag of pure O.D. twaddle
in all my born days.
Sounds like you got trouble.
I have, Miss Kitty.
What's the matter?
Oh, it's that gnat-headed lieutenant
of them horse people out yonder.
He's got one of them corporals
that got hisself all limber like
on that hooch down the livery...
He's got him a-sayin' that
he seen Sergeant Holly
a-leadin' his horse in the
Long Branch last night.
Now I'll tell you somethin', he
better start to makin' some sense
or I'm gonna run him and that
whole batch of troopers outta Dodge
on the short end of
a sawed-off shotgun.
No, I wouldn't do anything...
I know you wouldn't allow no horse
brang in the Long Branch, Miss Kitty,
but he's a-sayin' that you was
a-hidin' Sergeant Holly here
on account of he's a shoot-on-sight
deserter from the Army.
Now wait a minute, what do
you mean, "shoot-on-sight"?
That's what they do to them
there deserters, Miss Kitty.
They'll put a reward on him
and there will be
bounty hunters after him.
Why, he ain't gonna have no more
chance than a grasshopper in a hen house.
I'll guarantee you, he ain't.
Oh, Sam.
I know, Miss Kitty.
Sergeant Holly
going wrong like that.
It's just hard to believe.
It's real hard to believe.
That's why I let him in last night
and loaned him some money.
He needed money?
He didn't rob the train, Sam, a
man by the name of Jeeter did it.
You hitch up my buggy.
I'm going after him.
- Now, Miss Kitty...
- I'd never forgive myself if I didn't.
What I should've done is I...
Well, I should've tried to talk him
into giving himself up last night.
Well, don't you think
you ought to tell Festus?
No. No, don't tell Festus.
He'll just try and stop me.
But I do want you to tell
Matt when he gets in tonight.
You tell him that I've gone to a place
south of here called Blister Canyon.
He'll know where it is.
Whoa!
Here, now, what is
the red nations is that?
Huh? Hey, Private Horse?
Ho!
Private Horse,
looks like what we got
here's a petrified red aborigine
who's pretending he ain't here.
Huh.
Private Horse, you
know something?
I think maybe a little slosh of distilled
spirits might get a snort out of him.
Hey listen here, Chief, why don't
you try to be a little neighborly?
I mean, here I am sloshin'
your apertures with liquid spirits.
Where have I seen that starin',
cataleptic, stony face before?
Chow line. Regular Army O.
I tell you somethin',
Private Horse,
after twenty years in
this brass-bound army,
I can tell you that
this pitiful red wretch
is a former U.S. horse soldier.
He got into this pathetic condition
here from standing in long stupifyin' lines
that had no rational
origin, didn't go no place,
and produced
nothin' but sore feet.
Huh?
Prepare to mount.
Boots and saddles.
Ho!
(chuckles)
(coughing)
Good.
Other three bad waddies.
You catch 'em.
You kick 'em elbow.
Which way did they go?
That way.
Sun... there.
Good bad-water whiskey.
Burn tooth. More?
Very doubtful. What did
those three do to you?
Kicking me in elbow.
Oh.
Were you in the Army?
Corporal scout.
Third Cavalry.
Well.
Me ride, ride.
Me see.
Me point finger.
When did you leave?
When me fall off horse.
In shoot-out.
Well, what are you
doing here just sitting?
Ain't no ridin' horse.
(laughing)
Well, that's for sure.
Listen Chief, I'd give you a ride,
but I just got this one horse here.
You just gonna stay here?
All day, all night.
Who knows?
Now, listen.
Anybody comes by here,
askin' which way I went...
Oh.
(chuckles)
You tell 'em that
way, huh? Yeah.
All right, Private
Horse, let's go.
(singing in native language)
Whoa, whoa.
Jeeter.
Those high rocks outta
town. Be there at noon sharp.
He's out of range.
Well, you know like
they say, Private Horse,
we'll get the two in the bush.
You stand easy there, now.
All right, bellies down.
Arms straight out.
Well, you fellows
like it down there?
No, señor.
Ah. I expect not.
Well, let's go in the
shack and get acquainted.
Maybe stretch out, huh?
(groaning)
Four thousand nine hundred
and forty dollars even.
And you boys got paid $2,500 a
piece by Jeeter just an hour ago?
Por favor. We will tell
you what you want to know.
Cut me down before
my head blows up.
I don't understand how
you boys could spend $60
between here and the front yard.
I... I... We swear, we
don't know where he is.
He's with some girl someplace.
Unless of course Jeeter
gave you a short count.
No, you're gettin' the truth, Sarge.
Tomorrow he's meeting us near Oblivion.
Where are these
so-called high rocks?
It starts the north trail entering
Oblivion. What's left of it.
Well, he's got a fresh horse and I ain't.
So I'll just wait for him in Oblivion.
Well... I'll see you boys.
You boys behave
yourselves now, you hear me?
Please, you would
not believe the pain.
Well, don't you boys know people
pay good money to get hung up like that?
Does wonders for
the hydraulic system.
Yeah, I'll tell the first marshal I
run into about your predicament.
Say, you can't leave
us hanging like this!
Suppose that marshal don't
find us before them snakes do?
Oh, I wouldn't worry none
about them snakes. No!
Watch out for them
bobcats, though.
Whoa! Whoa!
Hello.
You there, hello.
You're not dead, are you?
(grunts)
Ain't no dead, squaw.
What are you sitting there for?
Wait wagon come.
Make um wheels do walkin'.
Well, I'll give you a
lift. I'm going south.
Big Horse soldier, whiskey man,
him go there.
What you think?
I think you're lying. Sergeant
Holly's headed south.
Squaw right.
Little Bugle bad liar.
Where there any
men ahead of him?
Three bad waddies.
We go now.
Catch 'em... whiskey man.
(speaks native language)
(clicks tongue) Now!
(man screaming)
Help!
Help us!
Anybody out there? Help us!
(both groaning)
Oh, lady, you got a knife?
No.
Who are you?
Oh... something to cut me down.
Is your name Jeeter?
No, I never heard of him.
My name is Wilson. Now
will you go get a knife?
Are these the men
you saw on the trail?
Two of them. Bad waddies.
Kicking me in elbow.
Sergeant Holly's
been here, look.
Whiskey horse soldier man.
Him hung them up.
I skin them. Bad waddies.
No, no!
Now, there's a U.S.
Marshal on his way here.
And he'll take them to jail. I just want
you to watch them until he gets here.
(grunts)
Lady, don't leave us
here with this Injun.
Now, come on, you got a wagon.
I heard it when you pulled up.
Now take us down
to Oblivion with you.
Is that where Sergeant Holly is?
Yes.
Lady, that Injun will kill us.
Oh, don't be silly.
Cut 'em down.
Go on! Go.
Cut 'em down.
No, no! My head!
- (screams)
- (body thuds to floor)
No, don't!
(body thuds to floor)
Whoa, boy.
(grunts)
All right, horse,
blow out your belly.
(chuckles)
(both groaning)
Hey, where's the bartender, so's a
man can get a drink around here?
Shut up! Can't you
see they're wrestling?
Bring that soldier boy here.
Ah!
(Sgt. Holly shouts)
You beat me, you get a drink.
Well, I'd just as soon pay for it. My
drinking elbow's kinda all flogged up.
Take hold, soldier boy.
And while we are wrestling, we
can talk about the train robbery.
Train robbery?
That kind of news
travels fast, soldier boy.
We've been sort
of waiting for you.
Well, I don't know nothing in the
world whatsoever about no train robbery.
Ha!
(laughing)
Let me have him! (grunts)
Bring it here.
Every last dollar.
Name is Pinero. And I'm
going to hand you your arm.
So, you are $24,000
short, soldier boy.
I want to know why.
Well, you know, it's kind of
expensive traveling these days.
I mean, room rents
is up and all that.
Know something?
You're a dead man.
(grunts)
You mean, win or lose?
You're never getting
up out of that chair.
You're going to
die looking at me.
Well, I got to hand
it to you, Pinero.
Even if it is my last handful,
you sure got character.
How you figure?
Well, I mean, any man
that would kill another
man just on principle,
I mean, knowing in advance he's
going to give up thousands of dollars...
In this case like $24,000...
May be a little short
on brains but just,
you just got to be just
chock full of moral fiber.
The first next one word you
say better be plain straight-on
or you are dead on the second.
Where is that money?
Jeeter.
What's a jeeter?!
It's not a what, it's who.
He's my partner.
And he's burying the
other $24,000 and gonna
meet me at the
north rocks tomorrow.
- North rocks? I know where that is.
- I know where that is...
Shut up!
But if he don't see me
waiting for him alone tomorrow,
he's gonna start shooting, and
you're gonna have to kill him.
Then that payroll's
gonna rest in peace.
You two are in luck, just got
some partners. For protection.
That's something I'm going
to have to explain to Jeeter.
Now, you got to figure out some
way for me to meet him alone.
- Or else he's gonna get spooked.
- Meet him alone?
You expect me to trust you?
There's no way you're
gonna cut out north of here.
The Army and the law waitin'
for us and all such as that.
So, it figures that
handin' you a third...
Half!
Oh. Yeah, half,
that's what I meant.
Well, for a place to hole up,
that seems like pretty fair dealin'.
I still don't trust you.
Excuse me.
Is there a Sgt.
Emmet Holly here?
Ahh!
Here. Here.
Well, now, trust me, here look...
Look at my security right here.
I want you to meet my brand new
bride. That's Mrs. Emmet Holly right there.
She don't usually blush
like this, but, oh, my. Oh, my.
Mrs. Emmet Holly.
Mrs. Emmet Holly?!
Has a nice ring to it, don't it?
Oh!
Oh, I've never been so
outraged in my whole life.
Now, Miss Kitty, it ain't as though you
was drug down here against your free will.
I came down here
to undo a wrong,
to correct a
mistake... my mistake!
Nobody's perfect.
My mistake was helping
you in the first place.
And then you had
to go and do it again.
Hm.
I'm gonna tell you
something, Miss Kitty.
If you keep doin' this,
you know, you're gonna
run into that
temptation all the time
and sin's gonna get
the best part of you.
Oh, you're the most impossible
jackass I've ever met in my life.
And if you think I'm going to
spend the night with you in this room,
you're crazy!
Here now, wait a
minute. If you don't,
we're both gonna be
widows inside of five minutes.
I'd rather be dead.
Wh... Here!
Let go of me, you maniac!
Well, let go of the knob.
- Ah!
- (loud thud)
(arguing)
(laughter)
- Miss Kitty...
- Oh, get out of my way!
- Wait! Wait! Miss Kitty...
- Leave me alone.
Wait! Wait!
(laughter, whooping)
Oh.
- (groans)
- I'm... I'm so sorry.
- Here, let me look.
- No, you can't tell nothing by looking.
You've got to... You've
got to give it the test.
- Did I do all that?
- No, listen, don't worry about a thing.
People been standing in line, waiting
to give me some lumps on the head.
- But I got to find out.
- About what?
If I've got a fractured skull.
You see, what you do is,
you pour a little of this
whiskey in the aperture,
and right away one of
two things is gonna happen.
Either you go into a kind of
agitated dance until it stops hurting,
or else you fall over stone
cold dead like a struck ox.
Then that's the first sure sign
that you've got a fractured skull.
You're drunk.
No, I remember one
summer, the Mescaleros,
they comin' into my camp and
thunkin' my soldier-boys on the head
like they was ripe melons.
And all them boys
appreciated my whiskey test.
Those has survived it, that is.
- Don't do that!
- Ahh! Ahh!
(screaming)
(laughter)
(shouting)
Oh, ho, Miss Kitty,
I do believe I'm gonna survive!
- Ugh!
- (laughing)
Whoo!
Hey, hey!
Holly es muy macho!
(laughter)
(distant laughter)
Oh!
I'm sleeping over here.
By the door.
Oh, no, no, now,
Miss Kitty, I think...
I think you ought
to have the bed.
Look, you may not
have a cracked skull,
but you sure have
a cracked brain.
And I want to get as much distance
between us as can be arranged.
Well, if that's how you
feel about it, but... (laughs)
it does seem like a terrible waste
of unavoidable circumstances.
(chuckles)
Goodnight, Sgt. Holly.
I, um...
I suppose you...
had to tell them
that I was your wife.
Oh, I don't know.
I could have said
you was my mother.
(laughing)
Oh, you're impossible.
(Sgt. Holly chuckles)
Festus: Oh, stand up on
your feet and walk now.
Tie 'em in the saddle.
Sam, do you think
you'll have any trouble
getting them back to
the Englewood sheriff?
No problem at all, Marshal.
I'm too sick to travel.
I told you everything,
Marshal. It will count, yes?
Maybe.
If Jeeter was going where
you said he was going.
But why would he be going
to the town of Oblivion?
He wanted us to ride
shotgun on his money.
Promised us another thousand
if we got him safe to Mexico.
Festus, does he have a horse?
Far as I can tell, he
ain't even got no feet.
He ain't moved two inches in
no direction since we been here.
Oh, he's got feet all right.
He was kicking me and Chico
in the elbow half the night.
Well, then it's
clearly understood.
I come back with $12,000
and then me and Jeeter and my
bride, we get the keys to the city, hm?
I'll see you in
about an hour, love.
Oh, yeah, my gun.
You don't need a gun.
Well, now, wait a minute,
Jeeter's gonna get all upset
he sees me without
some backup artillery.
I mean, he might even think that
you boys are not altogether trustworthy.
(bullets clank on floor)
You ain't back in that hour,
listen hard to the south here.
You won't get so far you won't be
able to hear this redhead yelling.
Ha. Thank you.
Oh, look, why don't you do
my laundry whilst I'm gone?
You know, busy
hands and all that.
(chuckles)
Don't trust him.
I don't trust him.
Not a penny's worth.
Bodine, you and
Lomax follow behind.
The minute they start
to dig for that money,
bury him and his partner.
Holly! Holly!
Private Horse, time for
a little refreshment here.
I haven't got any for you, boy.
Go on down there. Get
down there, Private Horse.
Trust old Holly here.
(hoof beats approaching)
Get your sweaty
hands off those reins.
Now, get down off
there nice and easy
before this piece makes
jerky strips out of you.
Sergeant, maybe we
can work out a deal.
Maybe.
You listen.
Quick.
Supposing that Jeeter
don't buy the deal?
Get ready to move in fast.
But make sure we take him alive.
Partners?
Yeah. I told Pinero
you'd buried the money,
we'd have to go dig it up.
Why, sure.
I buried it. That's what we'll
do. We'll ride there, dig it up.
Well, that was good
thinking, Jeeter.
Now we're gonna
have to trust each other
if we're gonna get Miss
Kitty Russel out of this.
Now, as a contribution
to our new bond of faith,
here, take that.
Well, Sarge, that's real...
Sergeant, you're
on the wrong horse.
Oh, I thought I'd just spell
old Private Horse for a while
with a little lighter load.
Whoa!
It's your turn now, Sergeant.
You get down, nice and easy.
Why, Jeeter, you wouldn't
double-cross a friend.
Let's get 'em!
Boots and saddles, horse.
(clicking)
He's ridin' off with the money.
(gunfire continues)
(chuckles)
Nothing like the
sound of a busy battle.
Let's get 'em!
You arrived just in
time, Mr. Big Fist.
Treat 'em gentle.
Ho!
Hey, that means
"go," civilian horse.
Hyah! Hyah!
Relax, Red.
It can be fun being a widow.
Hm?
Let's talk about you and me. Hm?
This is a hard world for a
woman to travel alone. Hm?
¡Ay!
Now... now there, Miss Kitty,
don't you worry about a thing.
Got Marshal Big Fist up there in
the rocks stompin' out them badbellies
and Pinero's comeuppance
is about to come up.
And finally, old Holly
got you in his arms. Huh?
Yeah.
Say, listen, tell me, did you
have time to do my laundry?
Oh...
(laughs)
- (groaning) -
$618... $619... $620.
Yes, sir, $23,620...
which along with this
stack of Pinero's over here
comes out just about exactly
to the amount of the payroll.
Shouldn't you take the
apple out of his mouth?
Oh, not till I roast him.
(chuckles) You know, Kitty baby,
if old Holly had any sense,
what's on this table here
would represent henceforth
what would be known as
Sergeant Emmet Holly's Retirement
and Pension Fund, Limited.
And you and I could
go down and enjoy
about a 140-year
vacation in Mexico.
You're not serious.
Well, now, are you not
dazzled by the thought
of accompanying old Holly
and all this money to Mexico?
No, and you stop
talking nonsense.
Oh.
Still mooning after
old Big Fist, huh?
(chuckles)
Well, can't blame a
man for trying, can you?
Okay, then. I guess it's
back to flag and country.
Yeah, being underfed,
underpaid, and...
(horse whinnies)
(Pinero groaning)
Well, they're all here.
Matt and Festus and Newly.
Underfed, underpaid and undercut
by some slouch-hatted marshal
that just takes a
fancy to a man's girl
when he was about to marry
her and sweep her off to Mexico
for a honeymoon.
Sergeant Holly.
(Pinero groaning)
You're a dear.
Ha.
What's going on around here?
Nothing to worry
your head about.
Hey, it gets better
all the time, Big Fist.
You best watch yourself.
(chuckles)
Gets better all the time.
(theme music playing)
Announcer: Stay tuned for
scenes from next week's Gunsmoke.
(theme music playing)
Subtitled by Post Haste Digital
Announcer: Gunsmoke, starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.
♪ And Mrs. Britchwood sing a
ditty from her dear old ditty bag ♪
♪ And every time she starts
to sing, me jowls begin to sag ♪
(chuckles)
All right, on your feet.
Stand easy.
Well, now, good thing I didn't
catch you boys playin' for real money,
seein' as you're on duty.
I'd have to lock you
all up in the stockade
for impersonatin' poker players.
Oh, yeah, I got here
Special Order #131.
And what it orders specially is
for us to go out and meet a train
a few miles west of here.
Hey, is that the
payroll train, for sure?
I ain't supposed to tell you no
more, but I wouldn't be surprised
you get paid on Monday mornin'.
Oh, I just come from
the telegraph office,
and that train's running
about three hours late,
so we'll be leavin' here
long about midnight.
Well, does that mean we got
to stay in here the whole time?
It does, Steckey.
Military security.
Why, folks see you sashaying around
all over town, they could speculate.
First thing you know, we'd have
every gulch-poppin' road agent
in lower left hand of Kansas
a-followin' us out to that train
trying to rob us of
our hard-won wages.
Now you just stay put and quiet,
and I'll keep my ear to the
ground up at the Long Branch, huh?
(chuckles)
Keep his ear to the ground while
he's got his belly up against the bar.
- How'd you like to see him do that?
- (all laugh)
♪ We had our choice of
going to the Army or to jail ♪
♪ So we puckered up our
courage and bravely went away ♪
♪ But we cursed the
day we marched away... ♪
That's him. If you can't see
him, you can always hear him.
He is one big gringo.
Now these six bottles
are for his troopers,
and this one is
for Sergeant Holly.
Six bottles for six troopers?
That's because them troopers is
Sergeant Emmet Holly's troopers,
and they're not his
troopers for nothin'.
Now there's enough laudanum
in those bottles to knock them out
and their horses. Now get goin'.
♪ ...for to fight
the Indians there ♪
♪ We were nearly
snatched bald-headed... ♪
Well, howdy, Sarge.
Hey, Festus. Where's
Marshal Big Fist?
If you're talking about
Matthew Dillon, he ain't in town.
He's been over in
Topeka for over a week.
Oh.
But if you're anti-pasting
any kind of trouble now,
you can call on them horse-army
fellows you got hid in the livery stable.
No trouble at all, Festus,
especially with Big
Fist up in Topeka.
Maybe now I can get me a few
minutes alone there with Miss Kitty.
She's always hidin'
under Dillon's jawbone
like a chickadee under
a toad-stool, but tonight...
Tonight she ain't a-working.
She's over yonder at the church
social. This here's ladies night.
Now wouldn't that frost your
non-commissioned follicles.
I finally get a chance to get next to
her and she's got to go get religion.
Now you listen here to me,
you go over yonder
a-trying to bust in,
and I'm going to have
to take you in hand.
Now don't you worry none. I ain't
gonna go around chasin' after her.
Ain't gonna have to fill your
official capacity on my account.
- Fill what?
- Your official capacity.
Figure mine at about four quarts,
give or take a couple of fingers.
(laughing)
Hey! Sam!
- Sarge?
- Corn whiskey without the kernels.
(laughs)
Hey... Jeeter, Willis P.
U.S. Fourth Cavalry.
Dishonorably discharged.
- Good to see you again, Sarge.
- Ha. Yeah, I'll bet.
Gentlemen, I'm opening a
poker game over here at this table
for those of you who got
more money than brains.
Just boots and saddles to
the center table. Ho! (chuckles)
Gather 'round at your leisure,
now. Thank you, Sam. Ah.
Mmm!
Oh, yes, that does
settle the dust and sand.
Now, I want all the pew
holders here to understand
that this is straight
stud-horse poker,
otherwise known as "Holly Wins."
Me being the only stud-horse
soldier in this gaggle of gamecocks.
Now we just riffle those
times two. A nice deep cut.
Mm-hmm. Let's see
what we got down here.
All right, there we go.
♪♪
(theme music playing)
Here we are.
A seven for the whiskey drummer
and for your humble servant, an ace.
Well, now, as ye
sow so shall ye reap.
Gentlemen, the offering
will be five dollars.
(humming)
A king, yes.
Oh, another seven for
the whiskey drummer.
Now those jacks and sevens
have got to beat my aces,
unless of course
this final card is...
Wouldn't that
frost your eyeballs?
All the artillery hangin' out
there in front of the spectators.
You catch that fourth ace?
Boy, unless you have got money in
the pot, never put hand to the board.
You want in, mister?
The ante's a dollar.
Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
No hard feelings on my side
for you testifyin' against
me at the court martial.
No, I'll admit it. I ran.
I'm grateful to you
for drummin' me out.
You probably
saved my life, Sarge.
Oh, how do you mean?
Well, I kept track of the outfit.
Kind of made me feel like part of it.
I heard you fought Quanah
Parker at Canon Blanco
right after my court martial.
And the way I heard it, when
those Comanches charged,
well, if I had...
You'd have probably died
in a cloud of dust. Hey, Sam!
Hup! (chuckles)
Let me pour you a drink, Sarge.
You're leanin' on my
tent little heart, boy.
Why should I drink
with the likes of you?
Why, because you're
one of my heroes.
(laughs)
Well, now, that's a lie,
and I'll sure drink to it.
Pour away. Pour away, my boy.
There we are. To slower
Indians and faster carbines.
(grunts)
Oh!
Oh, Jeeter!
Jeeter, I'm gonna
tell you one thing.
If you age half as bad as your
whiskey, you got about one month to live.
Whew!
Let's see what
the offering is here.
(knocking)
Buenas noches, señores.
- Hey, get out of here.
- The place is closed.
(speaking Spanish)
I bring whiskey for you.
Compliments of Sgt. Holly.
Hey, how about that?
Good ol' Sarge.
(speaking Spanish)
¡Hasta luego!
Oh, yes.
You know something, Jeeter?
I ought never to have left
the U.S. Fourth Cavalry.
How did it happen?
Oh, about the time I re-upped,
I got myself all gee-flummoxed
over this little gal
named Kitty Russell.
She runs this here place.
Oh, I tell you,
whatever boot they poured that
out still got somebody's foot in it.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
First thing Monday
morning, I'm...
I'm gonna tell Miss Russell
that either she can trundle
her troth off to Texas with me,
or she's gonna have
to get along without me.
Hm!
Oh!
Junglin' jalap, Sam.
What in the carboxylated hellfire
and brimstone is that potion?
Why that tastes like essence
of East Missouri stinkhorn.
I'm telling you, Sam,
somebody soured the mash.
Been no complaints
I've heard of, Sergeant.
Yeah, well, you
just heard one now.
Ha!
Oh.
Huh. Ten after the hour.
Oh, heck, I got to ride.
Boots and saddles. Ho!
Hep!
You know, I just might
have misjudged you, Jeeter.
I mean, your feeling a loyalty
to the outfit and everything
just proves you
can't be all bad.
I hate to see it end.
How's about if I rode out
with you on that detail?
Hey, don't you presume
on my good nature, boy.
What, you think I'd let you'd
ride the regimental colors?
You acted dishonorably, and
you are and were dishonored
and by the book and
by my own cyclometer,
I wouldn't let you ride on the limber
of the Fort Dodge latrine wagon.
Hey, dress right on the guidon.
Left wheel. Ho!
Hey, Jeeter. That's my horse.
- We're goin' by my horse!
- Chico, bring his horse.
Have you lost what
little mind you had left?
Will you stop a trundling
and a pushing me?
And you tell that Aztec to
stand away from my mount.
I'm just trying to keep
you out of trouble.
The day I need help
from the likes of you...
Get away from my horse!
(grunts)
Here's the orders.
Sam, I got us three uniforms.
- We need his coat for his stripes.
- Yeah.
(groans)
(groaning)
Whew!
Man: Steckey?
Huh?
Steckey? Hank, are you in there?
Hey, that... must
be Corporal Tuttle.
Steckey!
Hey, Corporal Tuttle!
Corporal Tuttle, what
are you doin' here?
Don't come any closer, Holly. I
don't wanna have to shoot you.
Ha! What's the matter with
you, Tuttle? Are you drunk?
Don't come no
closer! I'll shoot!
I'm pleased to do it,
after what you done.
And what was that?
I'm gonna put you
under military arrest.
Robbing the payroll. Takin' the wages
out of the pockets of your own men!
The payroll was
robbed? What time is it?
Where's that Corporal
Steckey? Hey, Steckey!
Here, you'll hurt
yourself with this thing.
Who said I done the robbery?
Well, the train messenger,
the one you shot.
I didn't shoot nobody.
And I didn't rob nobody.
Well, the train
messenger said it was you.
In uniform, with official
orders from Fort Dodge.
Orders...
Jeeter! Why that
dirty little skunk.
That's what he was after.
Liked to have poisoned me dead.
Lieutenant Mapes got an order out
for your arrest for robbery and assault.
You tryin' to tell me
somebody else did it?
That's right. And
if I had the time,
I would kick your cantle
from here to the orderly room
for even thinkin' such a thing.
And that shave-tail
Mapes right along with you.
Steckey!
Over here. Over here.
Here, what's that?
Jalap.
Jalap. Where'd you get that?
Well, you know, the...
the Mexican man.
Jeeter's Aztec.
Hey, Tuttle, you hear that?
You wait till Lieutenant Mapes
hears about you resisting arrest.
Come on...
Where's the rest of them?
Oh, Steckey.
- Whoa there.
- Hey.
- Sergeant Holly.
- Hey, Doc!
Just the man I wanna see. Listen,
I got some sick troopers in here.
Hey, take a whiff
of that stuff there.
Smells kind of funny.
Why, it's got laudanum in it.
Laudanum! What?!
That runkle-eyed
snipe of a Jeeter.
Jalaped the lot of us.
Robbed the payroll.
Stole my orders. Here,
take a look at that critter.
(coughs)
Here.
I got five more in
there just like him.
I'd sure appreciate it if
you'd take care of 'em.
All right, you come on in here
too and I'll have a look at your head.
Oh, don't worry, ain't
nobody can hurt this head.
(pounding on door)
Who is it?
It's First Sergeant
Emmet Holly, ma'am.
I wish you'd let me in. I've
got a personal... calamity.
It's a what?
It's a calamity. Now,
that's the gospel truth.
Oh, evening, ma'am. (chuckles)
Oh. Oh, now listen,
I've been drinking,
but I ain't drunk.
Is that the calamity?
Oh, no, no.
See, I been accused of
robbing the Fort Dodge payroll.
That's what it is.
Come on in, Sergeant.
Mm.
Uh... g-g-get that
horse out of here!
Well, no, it would be a dead
giveaway if I was to leave him outside.
Besides, he's house broke.
There, just stand easy,
there, Private Horse.
(chuckles)
Pour yourself a drink
and tell me all about it.
Oh, that's real smoky there.
Mmm!
(humming)
No, I do not deny that I was derelict
in my duty to stay sober and alert.
Let 'em try me on that.
Yeah. Let 'em arrest me.
Lock me up. Take
away my chevrons.
But to accuse me of turnin' on my
own. That's goin' beyond the beyond.
Uh... Would you...
Why the Mason jars?
Well, did you notice
the reluctant manner
in which that whiskey
left that there bottle?
Glug, glug, bubble glug, like...
- All you have to do is just tip it...
- Wait, look.
Wait, look. Big, wide, smooth
mouth like that, you get a good flow.
Mmm.
You sure do.
- Comes in very handy on a hot afternoon...
- Yeah.
When them red
Indians is shooting at ya.
Well, I mean, a man's sippin'
time is severely limited. See?
Now I can get about a pint
of that down there and workin'
before your average red Indian
could thread up another arrow.
(laughs) Yes, it's very useful.
You know, I don't know why
the Army has lost all
that kind of faith in me.
Why don't you let Matt
Dillon bring Jeeter in?
Yeah, well, I know where he is.
Blister Canyon.
Leastwise I remember he used
to have a place up there somehow.
Oh, well, I know where that is.
It's about, uh, 40
miles south of here.
I still think you should
let Matt bring him in.
No, see, he's not here, and
Jeeter's already halfway there.
So I can't take the chance.
You know how Big Fist is.
I mean, if it
ain't legal, hit it.
Okay, you know better than that.
How are you fixed for cash?
When Jeeter took my
jacket, he got all my money.
I mean, you got about a hundred
dollars you can let me have?
Till I get back.
I mean, I'm gonna need
some grub and such like.
You know, I'm not really
sure I should be doing this.
(chuckles)
Here, Private
Horse, ladies first.
- (Kitty sighs)
- Oh, me.
(mutters)
You know I'm gonna
have to tell Matt about this.
Oh, really? Why is that?
I mean, I tell you something,
he ain't gonna like it at all.
Why isn't he gonna like it?
Well, I mean, you know,
an eligible bachelor like me.
You know Big Fist. He's
just apt to throw a jealous fit.
(laughs)
Come on, Private Horse. Hyah!
Sergeant Holly riding out?
He should have let me
have a look at his head first.
I think you should have
a look at my head, Doc.
I let him have the money
so he could ride out.
I ain't never heard such a
twang-bag of pure O.D. twaddle
in all my born days.
Sounds like you got trouble.
I have, Miss Kitty.
What's the matter?
Oh, it's that gnat-headed lieutenant
of them horse people out yonder.
He's got one of them corporals
that got hisself all limber like
on that hooch down the livery...
He's got him a-sayin' that
he seen Sergeant Holly
a-leadin' his horse in the
Long Branch last night.
Now I'll tell you somethin', he
better start to makin' some sense
or I'm gonna run him and that
whole batch of troopers outta Dodge
on the short end of
a sawed-off shotgun.
No, I wouldn't do anything...
I know you wouldn't allow no horse
brang in the Long Branch, Miss Kitty,
but he's a-sayin' that you was
a-hidin' Sergeant Holly here
on account of he's a shoot-on-sight
deserter from the Army.
Now wait a minute, what do
you mean, "shoot-on-sight"?
That's what they do to them
there deserters, Miss Kitty.
They'll put a reward on him
and there will be
bounty hunters after him.
Why, he ain't gonna have no more
chance than a grasshopper in a hen house.
I'll guarantee you, he ain't.
Oh, Sam.
I know, Miss Kitty.
Sergeant Holly
going wrong like that.
It's just hard to believe.
It's real hard to believe.
That's why I let him in last night
and loaned him some money.
He needed money?
He didn't rob the train, Sam, a
man by the name of Jeeter did it.
You hitch up my buggy.
I'm going after him.
- Now, Miss Kitty...
- I'd never forgive myself if I didn't.
What I should've done is I...
Well, I should've tried to talk him
into giving himself up last night.
Well, don't you think
you ought to tell Festus?
No. No, don't tell Festus.
He'll just try and stop me.
But I do want you to tell
Matt when he gets in tonight.
You tell him that I've gone to a place
south of here called Blister Canyon.
He'll know where it is.
Whoa!
Here, now, what is
the red nations is that?
Huh? Hey, Private Horse?
Ho!
Private Horse,
looks like what we got
here's a petrified red aborigine
who's pretending he ain't here.
Huh.
Private Horse, you
know something?
I think maybe a little slosh of distilled
spirits might get a snort out of him.
Hey listen here, Chief, why don't
you try to be a little neighborly?
I mean, here I am sloshin'
your apertures with liquid spirits.
Where have I seen that starin',
cataleptic, stony face before?
Chow line. Regular Army O.
I tell you somethin',
Private Horse,
after twenty years in
this brass-bound army,
I can tell you that
this pitiful red wretch
is a former U.S. horse soldier.
He got into this pathetic condition
here from standing in long stupifyin' lines
that had no rational
origin, didn't go no place,
and produced
nothin' but sore feet.
Huh?
Prepare to mount.
Boots and saddles.
Ho!
(chuckles)
(coughing)
Good.
Other three bad waddies.
You catch 'em.
You kick 'em elbow.
Which way did they go?
That way.
Sun... there.
Good bad-water whiskey.
Burn tooth. More?
Very doubtful. What did
those three do to you?
Kicking me in elbow.
Oh.
Were you in the Army?
Corporal scout.
Third Cavalry.
Well.
Me ride, ride.
Me see.
Me point finger.
When did you leave?
When me fall off horse.
In shoot-out.
Well, what are you
doing here just sitting?
Ain't no ridin' horse.
(laughing)
Well, that's for sure.
Listen Chief, I'd give you a ride,
but I just got this one horse here.
You just gonna stay here?
All day, all night.
Who knows?
Now, listen.
Anybody comes by here,
askin' which way I went...
Oh.
(chuckles)
You tell 'em that
way, huh? Yeah.
All right, Private
Horse, let's go.
(singing in native language)
Whoa, whoa.
Jeeter.
Those high rocks outta
town. Be there at noon sharp.
He's out of range.
Well, you know like
they say, Private Horse,
we'll get the two in the bush.
You stand easy there, now.
All right, bellies down.
Arms straight out.
Well, you fellows
like it down there?
No, señor.
Ah. I expect not.
Well, let's go in the
shack and get acquainted.
Maybe stretch out, huh?
(groaning)
Four thousand nine hundred
and forty dollars even.
And you boys got paid $2,500 a
piece by Jeeter just an hour ago?
Por favor. We will tell
you what you want to know.
Cut me down before
my head blows up.
I don't understand how
you boys could spend $60
between here and the front yard.
I... I... We swear, we
don't know where he is.
He's with some girl someplace.
Unless of course Jeeter
gave you a short count.
No, you're gettin' the truth, Sarge.
Tomorrow he's meeting us near Oblivion.
Where are these
so-called high rocks?
It starts the north trail entering
Oblivion. What's left of it.
Well, he's got a fresh horse and I ain't.
So I'll just wait for him in Oblivion.
Well... I'll see you boys.
You boys behave
yourselves now, you hear me?
Please, you would
not believe the pain.
Well, don't you boys know people
pay good money to get hung up like that?
Does wonders for
the hydraulic system.
Yeah, I'll tell the first marshal I
run into about your predicament.
Say, you can't leave
us hanging like this!
Suppose that marshal don't
find us before them snakes do?
Oh, I wouldn't worry none
about them snakes. No!
Watch out for them
bobcats, though.
Whoa! Whoa!
Hello.
You there, hello.
You're not dead, are you?
(grunts)
Ain't no dead, squaw.
What are you sitting there for?
Wait wagon come.
Make um wheels do walkin'.
Well, I'll give you a
lift. I'm going south.
Big Horse soldier, whiskey man,
him go there.
What you think?
I think you're lying. Sergeant
Holly's headed south.
Squaw right.
Little Bugle bad liar.
Where there any
men ahead of him?
Three bad waddies.
We go now.
Catch 'em... whiskey man.
(speaks native language)
(clicks tongue) Now!
(man screaming)
Help!
Help us!
Anybody out there? Help us!
(both groaning)
Oh, lady, you got a knife?
No.
Who are you?
Oh... something to cut me down.
Is your name Jeeter?
No, I never heard of him.
My name is Wilson. Now
will you go get a knife?
Are these the men
you saw on the trail?
Two of them. Bad waddies.
Kicking me in elbow.
Sergeant Holly's
been here, look.
Whiskey horse soldier man.
Him hung them up.
I skin them. Bad waddies.
No, no!
Now, there's a U.S.
Marshal on his way here.
And he'll take them to jail. I just want
you to watch them until he gets here.
(grunts)
Lady, don't leave us
here with this Injun.
Now, come on, you got a wagon.
I heard it when you pulled up.
Now take us down
to Oblivion with you.
Is that where Sergeant Holly is?
Yes.
Lady, that Injun will kill us.
Oh, don't be silly.
Cut 'em down.
Go on! Go.
Cut 'em down.
No, no! My head!
- (screams)
- (body thuds to floor)
No, don't!
(body thuds to floor)
Whoa, boy.
(grunts)
All right, horse,
blow out your belly.
(chuckles)
(both groaning)
Hey, where's the bartender, so's a
man can get a drink around here?
Shut up! Can't you
see they're wrestling?
Bring that soldier boy here.
Ah!
(Sgt. Holly shouts)
You beat me, you get a drink.
Well, I'd just as soon pay for it. My
drinking elbow's kinda all flogged up.
Take hold, soldier boy.
And while we are wrestling, we
can talk about the train robbery.
Train robbery?
That kind of news
travels fast, soldier boy.
We've been sort
of waiting for you.
Well, I don't know nothing in the
world whatsoever about no train robbery.
Ha!
(laughing)
Let me have him! (grunts)
Bring it here.
Every last dollar.
Name is Pinero. And I'm
going to hand you your arm.
So, you are $24,000
short, soldier boy.
I want to know why.
Well, you know, it's kind of
expensive traveling these days.
I mean, room rents
is up and all that.
Know something?
You're a dead man.
(grunts)
You mean, win or lose?
You're never getting
up out of that chair.
You're going to
die looking at me.
Well, I got to hand
it to you, Pinero.
Even if it is my last handful,
you sure got character.
How you figure?
Well, I mean, any man
that would kill another
man just on principle,
I mean, knowing in advance he's
going to give up thousands of dollars...
In this case like $24,000...
May be a little short
on brains but just,
you just got to be just
chock full of moral fiber.
The first next one word you
say better be plain straight-on
or you are dead on the second.
Where is that money?
Jeeter.
What's a jeeter?!
It's not a what, it's who.
He's my partner.
And he's burying the
other $24,000 and gonna
meet me at the
north rocks tomorrow.
- North rocks? I know where that is.
- I know where that is...
Shut up!
But if he don't see me
waiting for him alone tomorrow,
he's gonna start shooting, and
you're gonna have to kill him.
Then that payroll's
gonna rest in peace.
You two are in luck, just got
some partners. For protection.
That's something I'm going
to have to explain to Jeeter.
Now, you got to figure out some
way for me to meet him alone.
- Or else he's gonna get spooked.
- Meet him alone?
You expect me to trust you?
There's no way you're
gonna cut out north of here.
The Army and the law waitin'
for us and all such as that.
So, it figures that
handin' you a third...
Half!
Oh. Yeah, half,
that's what I meant.
Well, for a place to hole up,
that seems like pretty fair dealin'.
I still don't trust you.
Excuse me.
Is there a Sgt.
Emmet Holly here?
Ahh!
Here. Here.
Well, now, trust me, here look...
Look at my security right here.
I want you to meet my brand new
bride. That's Mrs. Emmet Holly right there.
She don't usually blush
like this, but, oh, my. Oh, my.
Mrs. Emmet Holly.
Mrs. Emmet Holly?!
Has a nice ring to it, don't it?
Oh!
Oh, I've never been so
outraged in my whole life.
Now, Miss Kitty, it ain't as though you
was drug down here against your free will.
I came down here
to undo a wrong,
to correct a
mistake... my mistake!
Nobody's perfect.
My mistake was helping
you in the first place.
And then you had
to go and do it again.
Hm.
I'm gonna tell you
something, Miss Kitty.
If you keep doin' this,
you know, you're gonna
run into that
temptation all the time
and sin's gonna get
the best part of you.
Oh, you're the most impossible
jackass I've ever met in my life.
And if you think I'm going to
spend the night with you in this room,
you're crazy!
Here now, wait a
minute. If you don't,
we're both gonna be
widows inside of five minutes.
I'd rather be dead.
Wh... Here!
Let go of me, you maniac!
Well, let go of the knob.
- Ah!
- (loud thud)
(arguing)
(laughter)
- Miss Kitty...
- Oh, get out of my way!
- Wait! Wait! Miss Kitty...
- Leave me alone.
Wait! Wait!
(laughter, whooping)
Oh.
- (groans)
- I'm... I'm so sorry.
- Here, let me look.
- No, you can't tell nothing by looking.
You've got to... You've
got to give it the test.
- Did I do all that?
- No, listen, don't worry about a thing.
People been standing in line, waiting
to give me some lumps on the head.
- But I got to find out.
- About what?
If I've got a fractured skull.
You see, what you do is,
you pour a little of this
whiskey in the aperture,
and right away one of
two things is gonna happen.
Either you go into a kind of
agitated dance until it stops hurting,
or else you fall over stone
cold dead like a struck ox.
Then that's the first sure sign
that you've got a fractured skull.
You're drunk.
No, I remember one
summer, the Mescaleros,
they comin' into my camp and
thunkin' my soldier-boys on the head
like they was ripe melons.
And all them boys
appreciated my whiskey test.
Those has survived it, that is.
- Don't do that!
- Ahh! Ahh!
(screaming)
(laughter)
(shouting)
Oh, ho, Miss Kitty,
I do believe I'm gonna survive!
- Ugh!
- (laughing)
Whoo!
Hey, hey!
Holly es muy macho!
(laughter)
(distant laughter)
Oh!
I'm sleeping over here.
By the door.
Oh, no, no, now,
Miss Kitty, I think...
I think you ought
to have the bed.
Look, you may not
have a cracked skull,
but you sure have
a cracked brain.
And I want to get as much distance
between us as can be arranged.
Well, if that's how you
feel about it, but... (laughs)
it does seem like a terrible waste
of unavoidable circumstances.
(chuckles)
Goodnight, Sgt. Holly.
I, um...
I suppose you...
had to tell them
that I was your wife.
Oh, I don't know.
I could have said
you was my mother.
(laughing)
Oh, you're impossible.
(Sgt. Holly chuckles)
Festus: Oh, stand up on
your feet and walk now.
Tie 'em in the saddle.
Sam, do you think
you'll have any trouble
getting them back to
the Englewood sheriff?
No problem at all, Marshal.
I'm too sick to travel.
I told you everything,
Marshal. It will count, yes?
Maybe.
If Jeeter was going where
you said he was going.
But why would he be going
to the town of Oblivion?
He wanted us to ride
shotgun on his money.
Promised us another thousand
if we got him safe to Mexico.
Festus, does he have a horse?
Far as I can tell, he
ain't even got no feet.
He ain't moved two inches in
no direction since we been here.
Oh, he's got feet all right.
He was kicking me and Chico
in the elbow half the night.
Well, then it's
clearly understood.
I come back with $12,000
and then me and Jeeter and my
bride, we get the keys to the city, hm?
I'll see you in
about an hour, love.
Oh, yeah, my gun.
You don't need a gun.
Well, now, wait a minute,
Jeeter's gonna get all upset
he sees me without
some backup artillery.
I mean, he might even think that
you boys are not altogether trustworthy.
(bullets clank on floor)
You ain't back in that hour,
listen hard to the south here.
You won't get so far you won't be
able to hear this redhead yelling.
Ha. Thank you.
Oh, look, why don't you do
my laundry whilst I'm gone?
You know, busy
hands and all that.
(chuckles)
Don't trust him.
I don't trust him.
Not a penny's worth.
Bodine, you and
Lomax follow behind.
The minute they start
to dig for that money,
bury him and his partner.
Holly! Holly!
Private Horse, time for
a little refreshment here.
I haven't got any for you, boy.
Go on down there. Get
down there, Private Horse.
Trust old Holly here.
(hoof beats approaching)
Get your sweaty
hands off those reins.
Now, get down off
there nice and easy
before this piece makes
jerky strips out of you.
Sergeant, maybe we
can work out a deal.
Maybe.
You listen.
Quick.
Supposing that Jeeter
don't buy the deal?
Get ready to move in fast.
But make sure we take him alive.
Partners?
Yeah. I told Pinero
you'd buried the money,
we'd have to go dig it up.
Why, sure.
I buried it. That's what we'll
do. We'll ride there, dig it up.
Well, that was good
thinking, Jeeter.
Now we're gonna
have to trust each other
if we're gonna get Miss
Kitty Russel out of this.
Now, as a contribution
to our new bond of faith,
here, take that.
Well, Sarge, that's real...
Sergeant, you're
on the wrong horse.
Oh, I thought I'd just spell
old Private Horse for a while
with a little lighter load.
Whoa!
It's your turn now, Sergeant.
You get down, nice and easy.
Why, Jeeter, you wouldn't
double-cross a friend.
Let's get 'em!
Boots and saddles, horse.
(clicking)
He's ridin' off with the money.
(gunfire continues)
(chuckles)
Nothing like the
sound of a busy battle.
Let's get 'em!
You arrived just in
time, Mr. Big Fist.
Treat 'em gentle.
Ho!
Hey, that means
"go," civilian horse.
Hyah! Hyah!
Relax, Red.
It can be fun being a widow.
Hm?
Let's talk about you and me. Hm?
This is a hard world for a
woman to travel alone. Hm?
¡Ay!
Now... now there, Miss Kitty,
don't you worry about a thing.
Got Marshal Big Fist up there in
the rocks stompin' out them badbellies
and Pinero's comeuppance
is about to come up.
And finally, old Holly
got you in his arms. Huh?
Yeah.
Say, listen, tell me, did you
have time to do my laundry?
Oh...
(laughs)
- (groaning) -
$618... $619... $620.
Yes, sir, $23,620...
which along with this
stack of Pinero's over here
comes out just about exactly
to the amount of the payroll.
Shouldn't you take the
apple out of his mouth?
Oh, not till I roast him.
(chuckles) You know, Kitty baby,
if old Holly had any sense,
what's on this table here
would represent henceforth
what would be known as
Sergeant Emmet Holly's Retirement
and Pension Fund, Limited.
And you and I could
go down and enjoy
about a 140-year
vacation in Mexico.
You're not serious.
Well, now, are you not
dazzled by the thought
of accompanying old Holly
and all this money to Mexico?
No, and you stop
talking nonsense.
Oh.
Still mooning after
old Big Fist, huh?
(chuckles)
Well, can't blame a
man for trying, can you?
Okay, then. I guess it's
back to flag and country.
Yeah, being underfed,
underpaid, and...
(horse whinnies)
(Pinero groaning)
Well, they're all here.
Matt and Festus and Newly.
Underfed, underpaid and undercut
by some slouch-hatted marshal
that just takes a
fancy to a man's girl
when he was about to marry
her and sweep her off to Mexico
for a honeymoon.
Sergeant Holly.
(Pinero groaning)
You're a dear.
Ha.
What's going on around here?
Nothing to worry
your head about.
Hey, it gets better
all the time, Big Fist.
You best watch yourself.
(chuckles)
Gets better all the time.
(theme music playing)
Announcer: Stay tuned for
scenes from next week's Gunsmoke.
(theme music playing)
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