Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 15, Episode 8 - The Still - full transcript

Gunsmoke, starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

Recess is over! Y'all come in!

I want y'all to come inside

and we're gonna take up reading
all about Thomas Jefferson.

You stop pulling
on her pigtails.

What have you got puffing
out those cheeks of yours?

Chewin' tobacco.

Well, you get rid
of it this minute.

- Foolin'. Only my tongue.
- Oh, get inside.

Um, you all open
your books to the place

where it tells all about
Thomas Jefferson.



Uncle Titus, Elbert Moses,
what you all doing down here?

- Movin' our still.
- Law done chased out ol' man Topper

and cousin Smiley, Merry Florene.
Thought we'd get it moved out.

You mean, you settin' up a
liquor still out of my school?

Shoot. Think she
owned the school.

Elbert Moses, you
ain't doin' no such thing!

I got my kids to think about!

You listen, missy.
Now, you listen!

Now, we had us a hard winter
in them hills and we need money,

like for Uncle Finney's
doctorin' and such.

You mean old Finney is sick?

Well, he ain't
feelin' too chipper.

Why, I got money. Most
three dollars a week I get paid.

That's enough for
Uncle Finney's doctorin'.



It ain't just Uncle Finney. Now,
you got $50 we can borrow?

- $50?
- That's right.

The Bull's Head Saloon.

Now, we got what's
called a contract.

Furnishin' all the drinkin' liquor
for the saloon for the whole year.

And we need $50 to get started.

Well, one thing I know for sure,

y'all ain't startin' no still
under this here schoolhouse.

Well, I reckon I'm gonna have
to tell her what Uncle Finney said.

- What'd he say?
- What'd he say?

He says that he
wants a shack to live in.

Uncle Finney already
got himself a shack.

Uh-uh. Fell down last week.

And I promised him
another, and a better one too.

And he said to say to Merry
Florene, thanks for any cooperating,

- payin' back the favors he done her.
- What favors?

You saying Uncle Finney
never done you no favors?

Time he nursed you
back from a sick grave!

I don't remember that.

You weren't no
bigger than a button.

Well, I don't mind doing
Uncle Finney no favors, but...

Now you're talkin'.
Now you're talkin'.

The first thing we're gonna
do with the profits of this thing

is we gonna get Uncle Finney a
peaceable home for his old age.

It's about time. He's
already faced 107.

Sure gives a body a warm
feelin' having Elbert Moses for kin,

don't it, Merry Florene?

- Merry Florene?
- What?

Get rid of them kids in there.

We can't have them meandering
around while we're setting up the still.

I can't get rid of no kids.

I already told them I was gonna read
to them all about Thomas Jefferson.

Who's he?

He's the third president of the
United States of America, who he is,

- and I can't get rid of...
- So tell them it's his birthday

and give 'em the
rest of the day off.

How long do you boys expect
to be using this here cellar?

Just for a couple of days
till we get us a better place.

Go on, eat some lard
and fatten yourself up!

I gotta get back to my kids.

I tell you, Uncle Titus, the dumbest
thing in this whole world is a woman.

Newly, that there is a
pretty prime lookin' bull.

You know, that scutter looks about
half mean just with his horns sawed off

and everything, don't he?

Mr. Bishop certainly
is going all out

raisin' prime beef
on that spread of his.

Festus, you mind riding
out to the Bishop place

and telling him that his
bull, Brutus III, has arrived?

Well, Burke, I'd like to help you
out, but with Matthew out of town,

I got my deputying
duties to be took care of.

Well, I guess I'll
have to do it myself.

The bull's insured and I wanna get
him signed over as quickly as possible.

Well, what's them cuckoo
birds a-doin' in town?

Hold up there a minute!

Elbert Moses, what are
you doin' back in town?

Fixin' to stir up some
kind of a ruckus, are you?

We've got a right to
be comin' into a town.

Of course you have, as long
as you behave yourselves.

I just wanna know what
business you all got in town.

Oh, we just kinda
come in, sorta celebrate.

- It's his birthday.
- Whose?

- Thomas Jefferson's.
- Well, who's Thomas Jefferson?

See what you get when
you never learn how to read?

Yeah, maybe you oughta be going
to that school that Merry Florene runs.

Never mind! Never mind.

I just kinda forgot
there for a minute.

- Then who is he?
- Who's what?

- Thomas Jefferson.
- Well, I know who he is!

I'm just bettin' you
muttonheads is askin'

'cause you don't
know your own selves.

No such a thing.

Thomas Jefferson's the third
president of these United States.

- That's right.
- Well, of course he is.

You're saying it like you is
the onlyiest one in the world

that knowed who he was.

That's why we're
here. It's his birthday.

Well, I'm a-warnin' you now,
behave yourselves. And I mean it.

Now, go on, get, get, get.

Come on, Elbert Moses.

- Doc.
- Festus.

Well, this here's
quite a day, ain't it?

Well, I hadn't noticed it was
much different than any other day.

Well, Doc, don't you realize
that this here is a holiday?

Oh, it is? What holiday?

Well, it's Thomas
Jefferson's birthday.

The third president of
these here United States.

Oh, I know who Thomas
Jefferson was, but I...

I didn't know it
was his birthday.

Well, Doc, I'm surprised at you.

You mean you ain't had the feelin'
that they's a kind of a-celebratin'

by some folks in the air?

No. No, I ain't had
that kind of feeling...

Where'd you get this information
about Thomas Jefferson's birthday?

Well, foot, there's a few things
a-stickin' in my head, you know.

It ain't so hard to
recomember a certain day,

especially a president.

Howdy, Mr. Franks. Sure
is good to see you again.

- Real pleasure.
- How are you, Mr. Franks?

- Real good to see you.
- Yes, sir.

You boys gonna make
the first delivery on time?

Oh, we won't be a
minute late, Mr. Franks.

Let's kinda talk
it over a drink.

One thing I don't understand is
how you boys stayed in business,

what with the government
cleaning out the hills.

Oh, that was easy. We just
moved our still down out of the hills.

- Secret hiding place.
- Phew!

No wonder you're
lookin' for better stuff.

Don't nobody die from this?

Prices I charge in here,
they're not lookin' for taste.

It, uh, hits them.

Uh, Mr. Franks, we got
us kind of a little problem.

Not a big one, just
a little bitty tiny one.

- Just a little one.
- Like you want cash in advance.

See, I told you Mr. Franks
was gonna understand.

Cash on the barrelhead.

You bring it in,
you get the money.

You don't figure a $50 advance
would be good business?

Boys, no money.

You can't cut it, tell me, and I'll
go back to my regular supplier.

Well, Mr. Franks, you got to look
at it, we're kinda partners, huh?

I'll go along this far.

You boys short of cash,
you bring in the first jug

to prove you're in business
and I'll advance you $50.

But we need the
money now, Mr. Franks.

I want that first jug in
here Monday at the latest.

- That'll be two bits.
- What?

- Two bits.
- For what?

For the drinks.

I gotta see you boys
a minute, please.

Please, just come down here
a minute so's I can talk to you.

Um, I didn't have much of a
chance to talk to you fellas over there.

The kids takin'
up my time and all.

But I'm doing real good at the
school with the kids and such.

And what with Miss Perkins gone
into Hays City gettin' herself married...

What you tellin' us about some
Miss Perkins, wastin' our time?

I'm trying to tell you I
got a real good chance

to be the regular school teacher,
the way I got with kids and all.

And, um, but what
people be thinking

if they find I got me a still
under the schoolhouse?

Somebody'd have
to be just plain stupid

to go lookin' under a
schoolhouse for a still.

And, Elbert Moses, there's this
fella I was tellin' you about, Mr. Newly.

Well, we was getting
kinda friendly, I mean sorta...

Merry Florene, I
have never in my life

seen a woman act so worried
every time I been in town.

You got to learn to trust your brother
Elbert Moses more, Merry Florene.

He's a smart man in all
the things he's figured out.

The way Elbert Moses talk,
lordy, we liable to wind up owning

that fancy saloon,
the Longer Branch.

Come on, let's go.

You ain't got no cause
to worry, Merry Florene.

We might someday
own this here whole town,

and then we'll buy you
a better schoolhouse.

Don't you fret now...

- Evening, Mr. Newly.
- Hiya, Merry Florene.

- How's school going?
- Just fine.

You comin' to the
school picnic Sunday?

Picnic?

It's just a little something we're
giving to kinda celebrate the...

the kids getting out
for vacation time.

Oh, I might drop by at that.

Well, you don't need to come callin'
on me, just come directly to the school.

Um, I'll be there busy
all mornin' helping the...

the church ladies
readyin' things.

So you just come directly
to the picnic and I'll be there.

Merry Florene, I didn't plan to call
on anybody. I said I might drop by.

Mr. Newly, you ain't embarrassed
to be seen sparkin' no school teacher,

- is you?
- Of course not.

'Cause, um, I ain't got nobody
else liable to get themselves jealous

so you don't have
to worry about that.

I'm not worrying. I'll be there.

Mr. Newly, how old you be?

- Twenty-six years old.
- My goodness.

When my pa was 26 years old, he
already had hisself a passel of kids.

- That so?
- Eight, including me.

How old you think I be?

Oh, I don't know, 17, 18.

Eighteen's right, come Sunday.

Won't be long,
folks'll be lookin' at me

wonderin' why I ain't
got myself married off.

Well, it ain't 'cause I
ain't fittin' to be married,

'cause I can sew real good.

And I... and I cook
reasonable well.

And I bring in most
three dollars a week,

so wouldn't be like I wouldn't be
a girl pulling her share of the plow,

- like they say.
- Well, I'm sure of that.

Mr. Newly, do you
know what I'm thinking?

You're just being shy.

Like, um, I'm sorta shy.

Just can't help sort of being
all arms and legs and feet

and all around a fella.

Merry Florene, I
don't think I'm shy.

You mean, if, uh, you was to get
ready to sort of get yourself serious

and maybe get married off,

you'd just come right out and
say it to a... a girl all by yourself?

I guess that's
just about it. Sure.

Just kinda take the right time
and the right place, like they say.

Mm-hm.

Well, um...

I'm stayin' at Ma Smalley's
boardin' place, guess you know that.

And, um, she don't object
to men friends callin' none.

I mean, if they sorta be like,
you know, real good folks,

and the fellas are quiet when
they... when they're calling on a girl.

- Quiet?
- Yeah.

Um, I always make myself a
little tea around bedtime, so...

- You like tea, Mr. Newly?
- Well, I generally drink coffee.

Oh, well, it ain't no big change
from tea to coffee for me, Mr. Newly.

What time I be seein' you?

Merry Florene, I just
remembered something.

I gotta visit a
sick friend tonight.

Oh, my goodness. Can
I take him something?

No, no, as a matter of fact,

uh, he breaks out in hives when he
gets around somebody of the opposite sex.

He kind of tingles all over.

I never heard of anybody gettin'
sick from them kind of tingles.

I mean, sometimes I get kinda tingly
when a man slips up on me sudden like.

But it never made me sick.
You know what I mean?

Merry Florene, I'll see you over
at the picnic Sunday afternoon.

Oh, Mr. Newly, that'll
just be sparkling!

And you know what? I'm gonna
have me a little ol' picnic basket,

like I fill up your belly
so you can't stand up.

Bye, Mr. Newly!

Now... now we
gotta think real hard

and figure out who's
gonna loan us the $50.

Well, that's easy
figurin'. Nobody'll lend it.

Titus, you just
give up too easy.

Now, wait a minute.
Look at this here.

What's it say?

"$25 reward

for the information
leadin' to the app...

apprehension of person
or persons unknown

stealing two mules
from the Honeywell barn."

That's $25 just
for the information.

Sure easy money.

Well, except you
need the information.

Go on, read some more there
where they's giving money away.

All right.

Here's one for a
hundred dollars.

"$100 reward for information..."

Information. That means they
don't know who done it, right?

Well, fiddle, if they did, they
wouldn't have to be offering money.

Something is coming
to me, Uncle Titus.

Something is coming
to me. Come on.

We gonna take us a walk down
the street and we gonna talk about it.

We gonna talk about
it 'cause it's good.

- Oh, you're just the man I wanna see.
- What about, Doc?

Where'd you get the idea that this
was Thomas Jefferson's birthday, huh?

- You mean it ain't?
- Of course not.

Birthday's April the 13th.

Hm. Well, I didn't miss by
much. This here's only May.

Well, what brought the idea
of Thomas Jefferson's birthday

in the first place?

Well, I just didn't know, Doc.

You got something against Thomas
Jefferson's birthday, have you?

Something...?

You're amazing. Just...

Oh! Just simply amazing.

One of these days I'm gonna
figure out just what... I don't know.

Soon as you say
I stole this bull,

they're gonna throw me
in jail is what they'll do.

That's just till we get the reward
money and get the sugar and the stuff.

Then I'm gonna go down and say it
was a mistake and you're gonna be free.

Elbert Moses, you're
the smartest nephew I got.

And I'm ever so much obliged to
you for making me your partner,

but ain't this kind of a funny
way of being successful?

Going to jail first, I mean?

Uncle Titus, have I
ever led you wrong?

This is the first time
we ever was partners.

Let's say you stole the
bull and I'll collect the money

and buy the sugar and stuff.

You're just mixing things up,
Uncle Titus. It was my idea, wasn't it?

Where in the world we gonna
hide a big a thing as a bull?

It's gonna have to be a safe place
where nobody's gonna think of lookin'.

Like in the school cellar
where we got the still.

Merry Florene would
never stand for that.

Merry Florene's gonna
stand for what we tell her.

Now, go on, get
it. Go on, get it.

Come on!

Come on. Bring it.

You're a numbskull,
plain and simple!

An animal that valuable should
have had a guard maintained here.

But the bull was insured,
Mr. Bishop. Believe me...

Don't tell me about insurance!

I've waited five years
for that Hereford to age.

He can't be replaced!

Mr. Bishop, believe me,
I never dreamed anybody

would just walk off with a
bull, especially one like yours.

Why, he'd stand
out like a sore thumb.

In fact, Festus is out there right
now looking over all the pastures.

I'm giving you exactly 24
hours to recover that animal.

If he isn't returned
by that time,

you're gonna be working for
nothing for the next 100 years.

Boy, I tell you, that's a real
shame getting chewed out like that.

- Yeah. It wasn't even my fault.
- You know how I figured it?

It'd take some pretty low people
to walk off with that there bull.

In fact, I bet you that they're
lookin' at that bull where they got it

hid right now, and they're wondering
what they're gonna do with it.

Well, I was just saying that
he'd stand out like a sore thumb.

Well, I mean, they gotta be
pretty stupid and pretty mean.

In fact, I bet you're gonna
get that bull back in no time.

One of them fellas is gonna turn
in the other fellas for the reward.

What?

You mean you ain't put out
no reward yet for the information

leading to the apprehension of person
or persons unknown that stole the bull?

- No. But that's an idea.
- Well, you've got nothing to lose.

Freight company don't get the bull back,
they gonna be out the insurance money.

If they do get the bull back,
what's a measly $50 to them?

Yeah. Yeah, that's an idea. I'll get
right down and tell Festus if he's back.

Good luck to you.

Well, there she be, Burke.

"$50 reward for information
leading to the apprehension

of person or persons
unknown who stole a prize bull

named Brutus III
from the freight office."

Well, I sure hope
this works, Festus.

Well, the onlyiest thing we can
do is just wait and see, Burke.

I did a whole heap
of scoutin' around

and I ain't turned up nary
a sign of him, no place.

Can I see you a minute, Marshal?

Deputy Marshal. And you're
looking right smack dab at me.

- What do you want?
- Maybe we could talk inside.

Come on.

What in the for are you acting
so blamed skittenish about?

All night long, I
been thinking about it.

About Uncle Titus
bein' kin and all,

and about blood bein'
thicker than water, I mean.

Will you quit flappin' your jaws and
tell me what you're tryin' to tell me?

Well, you know my Uncle Titus?

You mean that dumpy little
polecat you brung into town with you?

- What about him?
- He stole the bull.

I seen him go up
the back street with it.

You see, you're lookin'
at me like I'm really low.

I mean, I feel terrible about
turning in my own uncle.

But, well, there's a man's
conscience that you gotta live with.

You're telling me
that your onlyiest uncle

- stole this here prize bull?
- Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Now, where's this
here bull at now?

Well, I reckon Uncle Titus'd
be the only one that can tell you

where he hid it.

- And, uh, what about the money?
- What money?

The reward.

Well, you just hold your
taters about this here reward.

I ain't seen me no bull yet.

Well, you don't need the bull,
you just need the information

leading to the apprehension,
that's being caught, of Uncle Titus.

Him being the
bull thief, I mean.

And where is this
grubby little runt at now?

Well, he's drinking
over at the Long Branch.

Me and him been
drunk most of last night.

- Huh.
- Oh, no, wait a minute, Marshal!

Deputy Marshal! Get your
hands off of me! Wait for what?

Well, you gotta promise that
you ain't gonna tell nobody

where you got the information,

information like it says
on the reward poster.

Well, I reckon I ain't
gotta tell nobody.

And about the reward money.

Now, you don't have to
hunt me down to pay it.

You just give it to the storekeeper
where I'm opening up an account.

- You can tell him, but nobody else.
- Just wait...

Will you wait a minute?!

Now, you're getting the blamed wagon
before the mule on this reward thing.

I ain't even talked to your
uncle yet. Knucklehead.

That old daddy of mine
never even blinked an eyeball.

He just says, "Mister, you got
three seconds to get off this property."

Pay attention when somebody's
telling something around you!

Fella says, "Ain't nobody can get
through the fence in three seconds."

My old daddy says,
"I'll be guaranteein' you,

you just get halfway and this here
buckshot'll see you the other half."

- Howdy, Marshal!
- Deputy Marshal!

And I wanna ask you a question.

I'll buy you a
snort of loudmouth.

I don't want nothing from you
exceptin' what have you did

with that bull you stole
and hid off someplace?

- Hm?
- That there bull

from the freight office!

Are you denyin' that you didn't
purloin off with him last night?

Last night? I don't recollect
much about last night, Marshal.

Are you denying that you didn't
go over yonder and take that bull...?

Where'd you get that?

- "Brutus the Third."
- Third what?

You just better have
yourself a good story

about how you got this here bull's
chain strung around your neck.

I just don't recollect.

Well, maybe you'll do a little
better recollecting in the jail house.

Come on.

Y'all be sure you do your
homework now, you hear?

Whoa.

Where'd you get all
this stuff, Elbert Moses?

I bought it. Now, get them
doors open and help me.

- Well, where'd you get all the money?
- It'd be a long story.

Here, take this
and start it down.

Well, what's so long a
story you can't tell me?

- Uncle Titus, he be in jail.
- In jail?

Will you quit howlin' it! It
ain't killin' him being in jail.

- What's he done being in jail?
- Get that thing down here.

- Elbert Moses!
- Come on, move it!

You boys be in
real trouble again?

Elbert Moses, you gotta tell
me what Uncle Titus doing in jail.

What's that?!

It's called a bull.

Oh. I know what it's called.

What's it doing in
my schoolhouse?

- It's just eatin', bein' happy.
- Elbert Moses.

It's what Uncle Titus and me stole.
And there was no other place to put him.

Stole?

My ears are ringin'
from your shoutin'!

You're keepin' a stolen
bull in my schoolhouse?

We wasn't gonna
keep him in my pocket.

Elbert Moses, I keep tellin'
you about me and Mr. Newly

gettin' kinda friendly
in Dodge City.

Yeah, well, you better tell
him he don't treat you good,

he's gonna have your
brother on his back.

Oh, it ain't that at all.

I have a feelin' my life is
gettin' kinda messed up.

I just told you, Merry Florene,
anybody starts messin' up your life,

you just come to me and Uncle Titus.
Don't you ever forget, we're your kin.

Marshal.

- Come here.
- Deputy Marshal. What?

An awful mistake's been
made. I mean, just awful.

What mistake?

Well, my Uncle Titus and me, we
be the same when we been drinking.

It takes us a day or two before we can
remember things in their proper order.

Wait a minute! What's
all this jabbering about?

About that bull.

Now, I seen him getting
walked off that night.

But it wasn't by Uncle Titus.

Well, from the back, it
looked like Uncle Titus.

But it's coming back to me now
that it couldn't have been him.

Why not?

Well, it's coming
back to me kinda slow

'cause we'd been
drinking all that night.

But the stealin'
fella was about...

Well, he... well, he was
about that there high,

and he was... he was
about that there wide.

Wait just a blamed minute, now!

I latched on to that uncle of
your'n with the evidential string

right around his
dirty little old neck.

Well, it's coming back
to me about that too.

You see, it was me that found
that neckpiece in the street

and I just kinda... well, hung it around
Uncle Titus's neck kinda foolin' around.

Oh! You expectin'
me to swaller all this?

Well, there's one
way to prove it.

Now, I ain't saw uncle Titus
since you put him in jail, right?

Now, if he says the same as
me, well, that proves he ain't guilty.

All right, then. Come
ahead on. We'll find out.

Well, now, wait a
minute, Marshal.

Did you forget your promise?

What promise?

You said you weren't gonna let on
about my telling on my Uncle Titus.

You give me your word.

See you directly.

What's the matter with you?

Doc, this here's
just plumb befuddlin'.

Now, this here one
fella says that he...

And then this
here another fella,

he says that he...

I mean... what... and
the both of them...

When the one fella
says the one thing

and then he ain't supposed
to tell that this here fella

- tattletaled on the other...
- Let me outta here!

'Cause I ain't did nothin'!
Hey, Marshal, let me outta here!

Marshal! I ain't stolen no bull!

Marshal!

I'm recollectin' everything now, how I
got me that neckpiece around my neck.

My nephew, Elbert
Moses, put it there.

And it ain't fair keeping
me all locked up here.

- Hold on, are you tellin' me...
- You just ask Elbert Moses

if I didn't get that
neck chain from him.

In fact, I was with
Elbert Moses all night.

Couldn't have been
me stole the bull.

Hey, whoever you are, tell
that marshal he got no right

to keep me locked up unless
he's got some proof I stole the bull.

Have you got some proof he
stole the bull or haven't you?

Well, I did have, Doc, but then
the fella switched his story on me.

- Who is this fella lyin' about me?
- Who's telling lies about him?

- Yeah, I wanna know who this fella is!
- I can't say who he is, Doc.

I give him my word
that I wouldn't say

that he tattletaled
on this little muskrat.

Yeah, it sounds to me like you
got everything all messed up,

- just like usual.
- Yeah! Hey, Marshal! Marshal!

Doc, what do you think
I ought to do about him?

Well, don't ask me. You got a
badge on. You're the marshal.

Well, deputy!

Marshal!

- Marshal, let me out of this!
- Hush up your squawling!

- Let me outta this here place!
- You blamed ninny!

I'm gonna let you out,
but I wanna tell you...

Now, the first thing I want you to do
is tell that good for nothing nephew

of your'n that I wanna
see him on some business!

Well, go root him out yourself
if you're such a good marshal!

I'll get me one of them
law fellas and sue the jail!

Oh, hush your blabbermouth
and get on outta here!

Matthew, I sure am glad to
see you. I got me a problem.

- What's the problem?
- Well, this here bull got stole

from the freight office
and this here fella,

he came to me and
he said who stoled it.

But he was kinda drunk
when he seen it gettin' stoled.

So I ain't supposed to tell nobody
that he tattletaled on this fella

that he told me stoled the bull.

But then this here fella that's
supposed to have stoled the bull,

and I pure old caught him
with that bull's fancy necklace

all strang around his
scrawny little neck.

He says that he can't
recollect neither stealin' the bull.

But then he kinda sobers up,

and like this here fella
that tattletaled on him,

then they both say that this
here fella that's supposed

to have stoled the bull
didn't stoled the bull at all.

But then this here fella
that got the $50 reward,

and I'm fixin' to climb up and
down his bony carcass like a ladder

if he don't give it back to me,

he says that this
here fella didn't...

couldn't have stoled the bull
'cause he hisself, personal,

found that there bull's
necklace on the ground

and strang it around the scrawny
little old neck of this here fella

that he said stoled the
bull in the first place.

You following me so far?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I follow
you all right, Festus. Sure.

But, uh, I tell you, I just remembered
I gotta ride up to Smithtown.

They wanted to see me over there.
I gotta ride out there this afternoon.

But, look, now I'm glad that
you got charge of everything

and you're
handling it all right.

If you have any trouble and
can't handle anything, well,

try to get ahold of
me over there. Just try.

- Morning, Mr. Festus.
- Morning, Merry Florene.

How is the teaching
comin' at your schoolhouse?

Just fine.

You'd just be plumb surprised to
hear how many good things folks

are saying about your teachin'.

Why I've heard folks say
it ain't no sense in sendin'

for no new teacher with
Merry Florene doing so good.

- Is that the truth, Mr. Festus?
- 'Course it is.

Wouldn't surprise me none if
you was to be getting asked to be

the regular school marm
in Dodge, it wouldn't.

Boy, wouldn't that be somethin'?

Uh, Merry Florene,

uh, if you was to
see your brother,

would you tell him that
I'm wantin' to see him?

You reckon he done something
bad again, Mr. Festus?

Well, that there'd
be kinda hard to say.

Leastwise it'd be
a pretty long story.

Well, I'll sure tell him
you wants to see him.

- Yes'm. Obliged.
- Yeah.

I've never seen an animal
eat so much in my life.

He's making a
regular hog of himself.

Merry Florene?

When you all gonna
get rid of that animal?

We got ideas for him.

Well, Mr. Festus,
he wanna see you.

That's fine, I don't
wanna see him.

You sure you boys know how
to make moonshine whiskey?

Ain't nothing to it.

Just mix in a little
sugar, a little mash,

put in a little of
this a little of that,

and let it cook till it bubbles.

Well, it don't look like nothing
I ever seen before in any still.

You said you had some ideas
about that there bull. What ideas?

Well, it wouldn't take about 20
minutes to turn him into sides of beef.

- Keep us in meat all winter.
- But that there's dishonest.

We gonna take him back
now, don't you fret none.

But you all don't understand.

Oh, what you actin'
like a crazy woman for?

Here I got my chance to
be a regular school teacher

and you all is gonna
be spoilin' it for me.

We ain't gonna spoil
nothin', Merry Florene.

Here, blow on that.

You all is gonna get caught
and I'm gonna get the blame.

And what's Mr. Newly
gonna think of me then?

There ain't nobody gonna
catch us, Merry Florene.

I never had a nice boyfriend
like Mr. Newly before.

And maybe I have a chance
to get married and everything.

All right, Merry
Florene, all right.

I tell you what we gonna do.

We gonna move this still
outta here before Monday.

Now, we're just gonna make us
one jug to prove to the saloon fella

that we be in business.

And then we're gonna move
our still someplace else. All right?

You ain't gonna find here
nothing at all on Monday.

You boys wouldn't be
foolin' me, would you?

You sound like you don't
trust us, Merry Florene.

Well, you boys keep in mind
that I got me a real good chance

to be a school teacher and
marry up with Mr. Newly.

We'll be keepin' it in
mind, Merry Florene.

Oh! All girls wanna get married.

But all they get's babies.

It don't make sense.

Just ain't nothing like a
school picnic, is there, Newly?

Let's you and me get in
the sack race. Want to?

Mr. Newly!

I see you got here on time.

- Merry Florene.
- Merry Florene.

Festus. I got us made up some...

some apricot pie and chicken

and hard boiled eggs
and sour pickles...

Merry Florene, if you don't quit
talkin' about all them larruping vittles,

I'm going to eat clean
through that basket myself.

Festus, if you'd like to...

- I mean, if you're hungry...
- No, no, Newly.

Now, I ain't fixin' to bust
in on no sparkin' party

- 'twixt you and Merry Florene.
- Sparkin'?

I'll see you at the
meetin' place, Mr. Newly.

Meetin' place?

Well, she's probably
talkin' about Love Bug Holler

down yonder by the lake, you know,
where a fella can take a shemale

and just spark to a "fare
the well," chomp on vittles...

Never mind, Festus, I know
what you're talking about.

Such as that.

- Merry Florene?
- What?

You boys promised me you was
gonna get started packing today.

Well, we figured on it, Merry
Florene. But we got us a problem.

Now, we been tastin'
and we been mixin',

but Uncle Titus and me, we
ain't too expert on the tastin'.

Now, drinkin' we do all right.

So, what do you want me to do?

Well, we want you
to taste what we got.

But I ain't never
drunk no liquor before.

- It ain't hard to drink.
- Merry Florene, this is real important.

When we take that jug of
liquor into the saloon fella tonight,

and he don't like it, we gonna
be out of business right off.

And that means no new
shack for Uncle Finney.

I just gotta taste it?

Yeah, to see if we got maybe
too much of this or that mixed in.

Go on. Take a drink.

Going down kinda smooth? Huh?

Ah! What's that bubbling stuff?

Oh. Well, that's just the nectar we
put in it. Now, go on, take another.

- It tickles.
- Here.

Put some of this in it.

- What was that stuff?
- That's what they call the mixin'.

Our liquor's gonna be more
different than anybody else's.

Yeah, like being known
for making real fancy liquor.

Go on, take another
swaller or two.

Whoo!

That liquor stuff that, uh...
that mixing stuff kinda burns.

That's what Ambrose
Isaac uses on his mule

- to doctor him when he's sick.
- What?

We seen ol' Ambrose
drink it too, didn't we?

We done see him, didn't we?

Old Ambrose just
chug-a-luggin' it right down, huh?

Yeah, he'd... he'd
drink anything.

Go on, take another drink.

Last one has a great
big old sock in it. Go on!

Oh! Oh, it tastes better.

It tastes better.

Well, it must be good then.

Here's to Uncle Finney
and his new shack!

He's gonna get it quick, isn't
he? 'Cause this here is good.

He's gonna get it right away.

- It's burning all the way down my stomach.
- It's good!

- Whoo!
- I need another snort

of this loudmouth.

- Merry Florene?
- You gettin' impatient, Mr. Newly?

No, as a matter of fact,
I'm not even very hungry yet.

Me, neither. I'm not
hungry either, Mr. Newly.

- Ain't that surprising?
- Surprising?

Well, the fact that we always
kinda have a meetin' of the minds.

Like, you ain't being
hungry, me neither.

Merry Florene, are you
sure you're feeling all right?

Mr. Newly,

all of a sudden, I seein' you
in a different light, like they say.

- You are?
- Um...

You keep sayin' you ain't,

but I'm saying you got a
powerful problem being shy.

Look, maybe we ought to join
the others back at the school.

Mr. Newly, like that, um...

That man friend of yours you said was
sick and you had to go visit last night?

Well, I'm a-figuring there
weren't no man friend being sick.

Well, as a matter of fact...

As a matter of fact, he
was feeling sort of out.

Mr. Newly... I got
something to tell you.

It's kind of a secret.

Well, what is it?

You promise you
won't tell nobody?

I... I promise.

Mr. Newly, I kinda like you.

Hm...

Mr. Newly, you know what? You
done forgot it's my birthday today.

Congratulations, Merry Florene.

Well, being there ain't no
close kin folks here to... to seal it,

I guess that'd be up to you.

Up... up to me?

- Eighteen.
- Eighteen?

Eighteen kisses.

It's kinda one of them
things we do in the hills.

Well, now, just a minute.
Just... just hold on now.

I'll count while you do it.

One.

- Ah!
- I love you, Mr. Newly!

Now look what you
gone and done, woman!

Now look what you done, woman!

I love you so much, Mr. Newly!

Where's the salt at,
Ethel? You bring any?

Now, that there is a bull
a-bellerin' if I ever heared one.

I told you this ain't no
time to be taking him out!

Well, he appeared
plumb peaceful till now!

Well!

We found the bull
for you, Marshal.

Yeah, we don't
even want no reward.

That's right. We'll
turn him over to you.

Easy, now.

Easy now, bull! Easy!

Easy!

Ahh!

Ain't no job for
me, being a deputy.

Too blamed complicatin'.

Well, the proof's in
the puddin', as they say.

Nothing better ever been made.

Here's to good business.

Why's that bubblin'?

- Has got a heap of spirit, ain't it?
- Yeah.

That's got it, all right.

Well, I promised you
boys $50 advance.

That's just about what the
freight office's got coming back.

And we'll be doing us a
little talkin' at the jail house.

- We did nothin', Marshal.
- Deputy!

And we'll be talking about what
you done on the way to the jail house.

Now, wait a minute, Deputy.
Let's all of us have a drink here

and talk this over.

Now, these boys here haven't...

I have never seen
whiskey bubble before.

We could have put
too much agin' on it!

Yeah, uh, got too
much sweetenin' in it.

We better be gettin'
over to the jail, Marshal.

Here! Hold up
there! Just a minute!

Now, you two's going right smack
back to them hills where you come from.

- You hear me?
- No jail?

Oh, I could throw
you in jail, all right,

but I'm a-thinkin' about Merry
Florene maybe gettin' to be

the regular school
teacher here in Dodge

and havin' to own up
to you two for kinfolk.

You just sayin' you ain't got no
proof we done anything wrong!

Ain't got no proof?

By the time I got that bull
simmered down and tied to a tree,

I seen you two with
my own eyeballs

a-haulin' that still outta
the schoolhouse cellar.

And the next time you poke
your face here in Dodge City,

you're gonna be a roostin' in
that jail till your chin whiskers

is growed clean down to
your dirty toenails! Now, get!

You got any use for a used
still? It cost us $7. We'll take five.

- How about three?
- Now, get!

Why, I just don't
know what to say.

Well, it's our way of
welcoming a new school teacher.

Well, y'all are just so sweet.

Well, you know, we, um...

we've had problems
keeping new school teachers.

They always seem to be running
off and getting married. Hmm.

- Matthew.
- Hi, Festus.

Get all your business
did in Smithtown, did you?

Yeah, pretty much. How
are things going here?

Oh, just fine.

Merry Florene got made the
regular school teacher here in Dodge.

Is that so? Well, I'm glad to hear
it. She sure deserves a chance.

Uh, what about that other
little problem you had?

- Work it out all right?
- Oh, worked out plumb good, Matthew.

See, there was this here
bull and these here two fellas

had their still set up
a-making wobble water.

But I got that $50 reward
back, I want you to know that.

But then they wasn't nothing I could
do to hold them fellas in the jailhouse.

- Festus, I absolutely agree with you.
- Well, I figured you would, Matthew.

But to start with the very...

Stay tuned for scenes
from next week's Gunsmoke.