Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 15, Episode 15 - The War Priest - full transcript

Gunsmoke, starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

When I'm...

When I'm dead, they
will unlock the wrist irons.

Then you must escape.

You must get back to our people,

and bring them together again.

It is for you.

No, it is for you.

The new War Priest.

Not while you live.

No, not while I live.



But... now... now.

Soldier.

White Eyes.

Come see another good Apache.

Oh, gentlemen, look at those
two big, beautiful red kings.

There the dealer stands behind
them with an eagle a piece.

Now, there's a double
eagle. Don't be bashful now.

This may be your last chance to
contribute to my retirement fund.

- Beg your pardon, Sergeant.
- Beg the Lord's pardon, boy.

- El Cuerno just died, sir.
- What'd you say?

El Cuerno, sir.
Gregorio's father.

Boots and saddles, gentlemen.

El Cuerno, Horn of the Jicarillas,
hero of the Pantana Wash,

has gone to the great
wicki up in the sky.



Too bad it wasn't his son.

Get the stretcher.

Gregorio got away!

The train's coming in.
Come on, men, let's get back.

Holly, where do you
think you're going?

Wherever that Gregorio's
going, that's where I'm going.

Hey, tie that thing on
there good and snug, boy.

Oh, that makes no sense at all.

First, that Indian'll bleed
to death before nightfall.

Second, I need you
here, not out there.

Third, you only got one and one half
days to go on your present enlistment.

Fourth, you're too drunk
to get on that horse.

- Therefore, I say no.
- Begging the lieutenant's pardon,

but that Indian's got
to be accounted for.

Or else there'd be a
blot on this outfit, sir.

Ah, that ain't
the reason, Holly.

You had a grudge against that
Indian ever since Fort Apache

when he tried to grind
your face in an adobe wall.

That got nothing
to do with it, sir.

This outfit ain't never lost a
prisoner, not while I was a sergeant.

Well, you're not
personally responsible.

I am as far as
I'm concerned, sir.

Holly, that's over-weening,
self-aggrandizing...

Ain't no such thing! It's
military pride, that's what it is.

Now, that red Indian's goin'
to Florida with this outfit,

or he is going to hell
without it. By your leave, sir.

- Well, you haven't got my leave.
- I don't need it. I'm going AWOL.

Now, Holly, you listen to me.

That train gets in to Dodge City
tomorrow, that's Tuesday, at noon.

Now, you be on it, and I won't
carry you AWOL. You hear?

Thank you, sir. I'll be
there... with Gregorio.

You be there with
him or without him.

I'll be there. Give me my rein.

Sir.

Ha!

Since when you saluting
dead Injuns, Sarg?

Respect your enemies, boy.
Good enemies make good armies.

Yah! Ha!

Whoa!

Hey, you like the mud, Amos? Why
don't you come on back to Wichita with me.

Gets hip deep back there.
Like one big hog walla.

That ought to make you
feel right at home, Windy.

Yeah.

- Oh...
- Evenin', Miss Russell.

How are you, Mr. Strange?

- Did you enjoy the ride?
- Oh.

As a matter of fact, it was
the worst one I ever took.

Well, we ain't main
line, but then again,

we ain't bogged down
like the main line is either.

Almost clear to St. Louis. You
was lucky to make connection.

Yeah, well, I've been
trying to tell myself that

all the way from Medicine Lodge.

Well, we got your telegraph
message about having a buggy ready.

But to tell you the truth,
all we got's a buckboard.

Well, that'll be fine.
Just fine, Mr. Strange.

Getting late. Maybe you ought to
wait till tomorrow to run into town.

No, I'm... I'm two days late already,
what with all these lousy floods.

Well, okay, but Mrs. Strange's
bed's all made up inside there,

just the way she left it.
You're sure welcome to stay.

That's real nice of
you, but no thanks.

- Windy, do you wanna get the...?
- Yeah.

I guess maybe I was just
hankering for company.

I'll get this rig back to you
tomorrow. Thanks again.

What the...

- Hey, leave my horse alone!
- Quiet down, woman.

Don't you tell me to quiet down.

You open your mouth,
you turn into a crow.

A crow I could kill.

Where were you coming from?

Owl Flats Station.

- You see any soldiers?
- No.

Hey!

Hey, you're taking my horse!

- And you.
- What?

- Stop shouting.
- Now, you listen to me.

Did anyone ever tell
you about your mouth?

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Then I shall tie you
to a tree, woman.

And I shall fill your mouth
with your hair and strap it shut.

Where are we going?

To the south.

You will lead.

And I will rest.

I think you owe
me an explanation.

If soldiers reach us before we
get to the river, you shall be useful.

Well, I see.

And woman...

If you prove to be a
burden or try to betray me...

I'll kill you.

I'll try not to be a burden.

Well, now look, you got
another day to go on your hitch.

Then you could
retire with 20 years.

Now, what do you care if a whole
carload of Indians run off? Huh?

- Because that's my job.
- Well...

What... My orders is to
keep order. And I aim to.

Well, good Lord, Sergeant,
it ain't as if you had to.

- No one's gonna blame you...
- I'd blame me!

Look, wait, I've got one
day of duty left, right?

- That's danged foolishness.
- What's the difference,

- first day, last day? You tell me.
- Danged foolishness, and you know it.

Yeah, well... you just don't
understand military pride.

That's right. I don't. I run like
a scorched turkey at Vicksburg.

- Mm.
- Well, you... you ain't proud of that?

Well, I'm proud of bein' here.

Mr. Strange, you're a civilian.

- Glory be to God.
- Hey!

I just spent a half a day blood-trackin'
a red Indian who hates worse

than any two-legged critter
that I ever did put to chase.

I do it because
somebody's got to do it.

And it's my duty. And
this here is my Army.

How do you know, if I
hadn't been chasing him,

he might've come
up to your front door

and yanked your scalp
off for a pot-walloper?

And do I get any
thanks from you? No.

All I get from you is a twitchin' pain
in the eyeballs from lookin' at you.

- I gave you a bed.
- I'll give it back.

Hey, Lord!

I know your son's
a master carpenter!

Why don't you teach him
something about plumbing?

Here, I'll give up the bed
as soon as I'm done with it.

You know something?

I kinda hope that Apache
decides to circle back

and pay you a visit when
I ain't here to protect you.

Teach you a little respect.

I've handled Indians before.

Why, you little pusillanimous wart
on the hind end of westward... Listen.

Gregorio ain't no
ordinary Indian.

He's a snake-mean, knuckle-eyed,
bugle-mouthed, bad-belly.

He'll have you
gutted and quartered

before you could
arrange to die of fright.

Ah!

- Sarge.
- Ah!

You know, you're wrong about most
things and you're strange about the rest.

But there's one thing you're
four-square right about,

and that is that
you're yella and I ain't.

If it was up to you, the whole state
of Kansas would still be squattin'

on them ferns east of the
Mississippi waitin' for the waters to part.

Here!

While you was runnin' at
Vicksburg, I, once I got my orders,

some of which I gave to
my very own self, obeyed.

Hey. Hey, listen,
that Indian's mine.

And I'm gonna have
him, haunches and hocks,

and I'm gonna deliver him to
Fort Dodge, just as sure as...

Let me tell you something. In
all due respect, if so ordered,

I would deliver the great
Lord Jehovah hisself

to the back door of
hell in a buckboard.

Wrong room! This is
Mrs. Strange's room.

My wife's bed.

How dare you throw Mrs.
Strange out of her bed!

The Lord raised
up a... a great wind.

That's all he is, Mrs.
Strange, a great wind.

What are you trying to
do, walk me to death?

Your mouth will probably
get you there first.

You know, uh, that shoulder of yours
is bleeding pretty badly. Whoa, baby.

And I... I think that
storm is catching up to us.

Under that rock
ledge we'll make camp.

You know, I hate to bring this up
again, but you'd be so much better off

if we went on into Dodge and
you had that shoulder looked after.

Well, you're just plain stupid if you
think I'm not gonna be missed in Dodge.

There's gonna be somebody
out here looking for me.

You think it would be
wiser if I let you go?

I think it would be
wiser all the way around.

You have been of help.

Now, you will be of
even greater help.

What if you die of that wound?

I give you my permission to
cut off my hand with a sharp rock.

- Doc. Sam.
- Festus, what'd you find out?

Well, I checked with
the telegraph office

and Barney says that he'll
send a telegraph to Amos Strange

in Owl Flats a-seein' if
Miss Kitty's got in there yet.

That beer good and cold, is it?

Draw him a beer, Sam.

Anyhow, he ain't gonna
hear nothin' till morning.

Morning? Just to
telegraph Owl Flats?

Well, it's gotta go
clean through Wichita.

- Why?
- Because that there is where

the main office of the
stage line is. Don't you see?

That's about the silliest
thing I've ever heard of.

That's not much
better than hollerin'.

And from what I hear, that stage
line ain't much better than walkin'.

Now, just a minute. Maybe we're getting
kind of worked up over nothing here.

You know that storm up north
could've held Miss Kitty up.

I tell you what you do.
You go see Barney again

and ask him to see if he can't raise
old Amos Strange over in Owl Flats

by going through Garden
City. That's what to do.

Well, ain't gonna
hurt none to ask, is it?

- Ah!
- Wait a minute.

Well, was your beer
cold enough for you?

Well, it's kinda hard
to tell on just one.

Much obliged anyhow, Sam.

Hey.

- Wake up!
- Oh!

It just come in.

Read it.

- Mm...
- It says Miss Kitty Russell

didn't get to Dodge last night.

- Kitty...
- Kitty Russell.

She runs The Long Branch
there. She left here yesterday.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Well?

Well, wait. He got
her for her horse.

Lost a lot of time on account
of that rainstorm, and he...

- Hey, maybe too much... Ah!
- Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

- Stop it.
- Why, you... why, you...

- Don't try to tie my...
- Just stop it.

- My wife made this.
- Hm?

Just look what you done.

- Well, I... I...
- What you done.

- Get away from it!
- Oh.

I'm... oh. Oh.

Sorry about the spread,
Mrs. Strange, but...

that's the army for
you. Keepin' order.

Mrs. Strange.

He lost about six of his cockles.
Only thing right about him is his name.

Oh. Uh, listen. I'm sorry
about that there doily.

But what are you gonna say
in answer to that telegram?

I don't know. I'll just... tell 'em
I'll have a look around, I guess.

- Not mention me?
- Why should I?

You shouldn't. I want that
little short horn all to myself.

Especially since he's killed that Kitty
Russell woman you was mumblin' about.

How do you know he
killed her? She might have...

Yeah, she could also have
knit herself a Gatling gun

- with birch bark, but I doubt it.
- My wife knit this.

Yeah, she's dead all
right. She's dead. Come on.

Dead? Why, she's
right with me all the time.

Oh, he meant
Miss... Miss Russell.

Whoa, baby. Oh, listen.

I'm sorry again about
that there doily, Strange.

Hell, I guess you have loved
ones too, don't you, Sergeant?

Oh, I can't say as a...

Well... like Miss
Winifred Stark.

No... no, I ain't got no loved
ones. Never did have, never will.

Gets in the way of the job.
Oh, listen, don't you forget.

Don't you say nothing in that telegram
about my going after that Indian.

Hear me? Here I go. Yah!

I'm beginning to feel
sorry for that poor Indian.

You know, Mrs. Strange, I think
I'll just tell them about that sergeant.

You keep saying
we're being tracked.

I don't see hew anybody
could track us after that rain.

An Indian could. On the train,
there's a sergeant called Holly

who tracks like an Indian.

You could always give
yourself up, go into Dodge.

Marshal Dillon would
see that you got a fair trial.

- Why would he do that for me?
- Because he's a fair man.

- He would believe I dishonored you.
- That's crazy.

You can't keep running forever.

Gregorio, are you married?

I was. She's dead.
My son is too.

Oh. I'm sorry.

What happened to them?

The Fourth Cavalry of the
White Eyes happened to them.

While my father and I were
talking peace with the general.

- Oh! I can't believe...
- I can't either.

Well, what do you keep
going back for peace talks?

Because the Apaches wanna
give the Fourth Cavalry a chance

to recover their honor.

The Apaches believe in honor.

That's why they still
go to peace talks.

They do not run
short on patience.

What my people are
running short on are Apaches.

Come, we go.

Neither of us will ride. I want
the horse to remain strong.

Oh, look at them lovely
side by side tracks.

Yeah.

Squaw woman.

Lead his horse half the night
and then walk along side by side.

Well, Miss Kitty Russell,

you may be a woman,
but you sure ain't no lady.

Hey, horse.

Three hours ahead, and then
let a woman slow him down.

I tell you there just ain't no
predicting red Indians. Yah, yah!

Can't we just sit down
and rest for a while?

- I just...
- Shh!

Quiet.

- What are you doing?
- The horse does not like

the rattle of a snake. He
runs as long as he hears it.

I... I just don't understand.

Sergeant Holly
will run after him.

This Sergeant Holly
you keep talking about.

You sound as though
he's right behind us.

Miss Russell?
Miss Kitty Russell?

This here's Sergeant Holly!

United States Fourth Cavalry!

I... I've come to rescue you
from that heathen savage!

You answer, I will put you
on this horse tied to his belly.

Miss Russell, you don't have to
be afraid to go on and sing out!

Sure ain't nobody gonna
accuse you of any wrongdoin'!

Go ahead! It's plain
for anybody to see

that you was drug
ever' step of the way,

against your sweet,
virtuous, better judgment!

- Yes, ma'am.
- What's he talking about?

Hey.

How long ago did this Sergeant
Holly set out after them, Amos?

Just after first
light this morning.

But if he ever catches up with them,
I sure wouldn't trust him, Marshal.

- Why not?
- Why, he's crazy.

- The man's ravin' mad.
- What makes you say that?

Why, he threw Mrs.
Strange out of her bed.

I see.

Well, Amos, thanks a lot for
sending me the wire, anyway.

- Say hello to the missus for me.
- Yeah. I'll tell her you called.

What I should be doing
with you, Private Horse,

is feed you to War
Priest to the red Jicarillas.

Hooves and tail.

On second thought, I can't say I
blame you for running out on that butte.

Thinking you got a
rattler up your nostril.

Woman, you are free to go.

You... you won't give
yourself up to Marshal Dillon?

No.

You know, in your
condition and no horse,

that Sergeant Holly is
bound to track you down.

- Not if you help me.
- Help how?

- To kill him.
- Oh, no.

No, I couldn't do that.

Then you are free.

Why walk anymore?

The sergeant will be here
soon. You could ride with him.

You... you figure I can slow
him down that way, huh?

Well...

Tell you the truth, I have
had my share of walking.

Gregorio.

I just want you to know, I
think you've been wronged.

Hey, whoa now.

Well now, praise the
Lord, for I had lost the trail,

and Io, hath found it
again. Whoa! There we go.

That red man has been
here, I can smell him.

Yeah. Come on, boy.

- Where is he at, squaw?
- What'd you call me?

He was too weak to walk and you
was kind enough to lead his horse.

Now, just a minute. Now,
you just wait a minute.

- He ambushed me, forced me to go...
- Forced? No, no, no, no.

I read track too good for that.
Going along there side by side.

I guess that explains why
he didn't bash you in the head

as the first order
of business, huh?

Well, now I know what he
meant by the Fourth Cavalry.

What? What's that you said?

Listen, soldier boy. I
resent your attitude.

And I deny your accusations.
And I'm outraged...

Only decent women get outraged.

Hey, don't you... don't you run The
Long Branch over there at Dodge?

That's right.

And that makes me a taxpayer,
and an American citizen.

And entitled to the dubious
privilege of having the protection

- of the United States Fourth Cavalry.
- Now, maybe it used to.

But not since you took
on an Apache boyfriend.

Now, where is he?

- He's gone.
- Huh?

- And I'm glad.
- Gone, huh?

You're a disgrace to that
uniform, Sergeant Holly.

Maybe he's gone,
and maybe he ain't.

Maybe he's gonna sneak back in here
when you and I are making camp tonight

and scrag old Holly
with a billyhook. Right?

You haven't been right
since you put that uniform on.

Wait a minute. I ain't no trick
buster. I ain't gonna spoil his fun.

Yeah, well, I reckon this is a
good place to make camp as any.

And then I might just pour a little of
this white lightning down your throat,

and who knows, you just
might take a shine to old Holly.

How about that,
Madam Long Branch?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Hey, that's not bad,
you know, Long Branch.

Yeah, if you ain't picked
out your red Indian name,

that'd sound pretty good.
Squaw Long Branch.

Oh, you simple-minded,
foul-mouthed...

Stop it! You'll kill him!

- Is he dead?
- I don't know.

I can't see with the
whiskey in my eyes.

Slopped all the baby-blue
lacquer right off my eyeballs.

Rest of my life I'll be lookin' out
at the world through egg whites.

- He's moving.
- That so, huh?

Well, then I got me a
surprise for that nice Apache.

Yeah, have this. Huh?

Hello there, Chief
Short Horn Gregorio,

War Priest of the
Indian Nation, huh?

Hero of the Long Branch.

You run off and forgot
your nice Apache bracelets,

so I brought you some
nice, shiny new ones.

- Dog.
- Just like the ones I put

on your dear daddy
before I buried him.

- You did that?
- Oh, yeah, I did.

He's wearin' them
now for certain.

Clankin' around up there in eternity
just like a good Apache ought to.

Whoo!

Ah!

What...?

I'm placing you
under citizen's arrest.

Citizen's arr... what
is a citizen's arrest?

I don't know the legal definition,
but you're drunk in uniform.

You been offensive to me. And
you're derelict in your duty to help me.

You mistreated that prisoner. And
you provoked him into attacking you.

Now, if that ain't enough,

then I'm arrestin' you because
I got a stinkin' suspicion

you're about to get violent!

Miss Russell, now, Miss Russell, I
do wanna apologize for my conduct.

But you see, I been travelin'
with a very rough crowd.

It's called the United
States Fourth Cavalry.

And they got me in some
very bad habits, them fellas did.

Yes. I mean, they told me
we was havin' an Apache war.

And I got to... I got very
abusive to my Indian brothers.

I did. And then we got
into a terrible frasculation

when they was practicin'
their archery, you know.

And we got, I suppose, unduly irascible
when them arrows was comin' in our eyes,

and started to mistreat
our jolly red brothers.

Now, just like today, you know,
when he come trumblin' down on me,

I should've knowed all he wanted to
do was just snatch a little off my scalp.

But I'm just another one of them
nasty troopers that's runnin' wild

around the real estate here,
scalpin' red property owners.

That's...

Uh, citizen's arrest, huh?

Well, whatever... whatever
you say, Miss Russell.

- Drop the gun belt.
- Oh.

Yes. Yes, ma'am.

Where's the pistol?

Right there, squaw,
lookin' at you. Huh?

Now, this is a six
shot Smith & Wesson

number three revolver.

And that thing you're holdin'
is a 15 shot Henry carbine.

And they're both 44 caliber.

And they can both blow the hump
off a buffalo at a hundred yards.

Now...

I figure if we time it just
right and aim real careful,

why, we just might manage to
blow each other straight into hell fire

at the very same instant.

What's the matter? Is it
too late in the day to kill

or too early in
the evenin' to die?

Ah... Oh, well,
that's a good squaw.

Oh, yeah, that's a
good squaw there.

You know, for... for
just a minute there,

when you was all up on
your haunches like that,

I almost mistook you for a lady.

You know, you're gonna have
to touch me a little softer, see,

now like when you do that!

That do make your jaw bone
tingle just a little bit, don't it?

You son of a dog!

- You brother of a pig!
- What? Oh!

Well, in as much as that ain't
possible, I won't take no offense.

Here, come on, get on
your feet, red man. Ah!

You know something,

you two sure don't make weary
traveler feel very much welcome.

But I tell you what
we'll do, we'll...

we'll just get a move on
and we'll go on into Dodge,

where tonight I am gonna
become a civilian at midnight.

Just remembered...

The physical human body
can only hold five quarts.

I'd say you thought of
that just in the nick of time.

What'd you say?

A couple more swallows
and you'll drown.

Woman, you and me in
the same conversation?

I mean, what in the bugle hellebores
brush are you chatterin' about?

How many jars of that
stuff does that make today?

I ain't talkin' about whiskey,
I'm talkin' about blood.

Everybody got five
quarts, exceptin' him.

My point is that, accordin'
to my calculations,

he's down to about
his last jigger full.

You don't care
whether he lives or dies.

Ah, he ain't gonna die. Indians don't
need blood no more than a snake.

Look at him,

sitting there like a nit
on a gnat's knee bone.

Just pretendin' he's dyin'.

Waitin' for me to
bifurcate my attention.

Hey. Ain't that
right, Short Horn?

Huh?

I was thinking about you.

Oh, you've been thinking
about old Holly, have you?

- Yes.
- Well, tell me, what?

You told us your
enlistment ends this day.

So you are no longer a soldier.

But a man alone in an alien
country, of which I am a citizen.

You... you ain't no
citizen of this country!

- What?
- It's the law.

It's a stupid law.

I am a citizen of this country.

He is a citizen of
the United States.

He is the intruder, not I.

Don't you call me no intruder,
you beady-eyed, bat-fowlin' alien!

You are worse.

You are an agent from another
country, an enemy soldier.

I'm gonna kick your hunkers
right up through your scalp lock!

Sergeant, you can't attack
a man in chains. Good Lord!

I ain't attackin' nobody.

I'm just addressin' this here
spandrel-nosed aborigine

cheek to jowl on the
subject of who's intrudin'.

I ask you no quarter,
Sergeant. All I ask is a fair fight.

Oh, I'm gonna
give you a fair fight,

just as soon as I can figure out
some kind of an even contest.

For starters, I'd like to see if
you can bleed a little slower

and I'll see if I can get drunk.

- Sergeant Holly?
- Yeah?

You can't fight a
man in his condition.

Now, look, if that horse
of yours is rested enough,

why don't we just move on out
of here and get him someplace

where we can get
that shoulder tended to.

The sooner we get it done,
the more chance he has.

- We go when I say we go.
- Do you know what I think?

I think you're just working
yourself up so you can kill him.

I don't have to work
myself up for that.

I've felt like that ever since
I got on his slithery trail.

Here.

Here.

I think I just coggled up a little game
gonna give you about as fair a chance

to scrag me as
you're likely to get.

Sergeant, if you
have to kill him,

you don't have to
make a game out of it!

Miss Russell, why don't
you just sit down over there

and try to figure out a new
lecture for me on proper livin'.

But if you just one more time open
up your sweet magnolia goodychops

about soldierin' and
fightin' and proper dyin',

like as not I am gonna knock
you cold on your pantaloons.

Here, you come on over
here with me, redman.

Yeah.

He's so drunk, he doesn't
know what he's doing.

Well, did you like what I was doin'
when I knowed what I was doin'?

- No!
- Well, then why don't you just sit down

on that rock over there and
let nature take its course.

I might even
improve as I go along.

Tell you something,
we ain't careful,

old Long Branch goodychops over
there is gonna limit our male options.

Which is, of course, what
women likes to do most in life.

What she needs, sure enough, is
to have her differences relegated.

And which I intend to get around
to just as soon as I get through

clubbin' War Priest
here outta his red misery.

Now, listen, this here's a...
this here's a game of nerves.

Here, now...

we each got one arm.
That fair enough? Hm?

Take hold of that stick there.

That's it. Now,
the idea is this:

you let go of that stick
any time you get the notion.

And you can go
for the big stick.

The only... only trouble is that
when you going for that big stick,

I'm gonna be larrupin' your
near side with the little one.

I'm telling you, it's
something terrible fierce.

Yeah? All right now, redman,

you let go any time
you're ready, or I will,

then we can start to
whomp on one another.

And then you can either
grab the little stick again,

or you can say, "I quit."

Yeah?

Miss Russell, I wouldn't
go for that rifle if I was you.

Else this sidearm of mine
might go off in your direction

and blow that pompadour
clean off your scalp lock.

Oh!

You got more blood
left in you than I thought.

Huh!

You stinkin' Indian,
playin' like you're half dead.

You better hang
on there, War Priest,

because pretty soon you're
gonna be clankin' around

with your dear old daddy.

Huh...

You are a good woman.

And my friend.

And when you learn
about your mouth...

you shall be a great woman.

Sergeant Holly.

Why, you...

- You let him go!
- Well, you might say that.

Why, you loudmouth bag of wind!

You been doing nothing all day but
scheming about how you can let him go!

Yeah, well, but he's one
of the good 'uns, see?

And you got to... you got to
keep a few of the good 'uns,

because they's the one's that's
gonna keep the breed strong.

You know, all that activity
kinda sobered me up.

Uh, you know, when
old Holly's sober,

well, there ain't hardly a woman this
side of the divide that would complain.

- I... Well, now...
- I'll shoot!

Oh, now, listen, half
the reason I let him go

was so you and I could
be nicer to each other.

I'm ready to pull this
trigger, you maniac.

No, no, you ain't gonna do that
no more you did the last time.

You know why?

'Cause you kinda took a reluctant
shine to old Holly, didn't you?

Kitty, you all right?

Well, except for a few
blisters, I think I'm fine.

- Where's the Indian?
- Oh, he let him go.

What in the spanglin'
Hellespont hit me that time?

Oh!

Hey, Lord!

You best tell these people to stop
hittin' old Holly in the headquarters,

else his hind quarters is gonna
be yours soon and previous!

Wait a minute, somebody better
start me out all over again here.

- The last I heard...
- Hey, Marshal Bigfist.

What time is it?

It's a little after
midnight, Sergeant.

Never mind the "Sergeant."

Midnight.

I just...

become an alien citizen.

One thing I learned, if
you're gonna take a stage trip,

you better have your
walk-a-boots handy.

Those was the best I could find.

I think I recognize
them. Boot Hill.

Well, yeah, but, see, we
had so much rain lately,

the graves is all gettin'
overgrown hidin' the markers.

I reckon I did kind of a
service. Oh, hi, Marshal.

You know, I'm still tryin'
to figure out what charges,

if any, to file against you.

You know, I like that, if any, I
been livin' on that for 20 years.

- Where is he? Where's that Indian?
- Listen, you little feisty

supernumerary, I'm a civilian.
Don't raise your adenoids to me.

- I buried him.
- You buried him?

- That's right.
- I don't believe it.

Well, you ask Miss Russell.

Oh, that's right, Lieutenant.

I can guarantee you that Mr. Gregorio's
in the happier hunting ground.

Sam, would you pour a
round of drinks here, please?

Holly, the way you hated that
Indian, you would've had his scalp.

- Now, where's his scalp?
- I wouldn't let him take it.

That's right.

Now, wait a minute.

There's something funny
going on around here.

Marshal, you were there
too, did you see a grave dug?

Well, now, Lieutenant, I...
I don't think we can exactly

call Miss Russell
here a liar, do you?

Hey! He does,

and I'm gonna sharpen
his nether end with a hatchet

and pummel him
right into a road bed.

Holly, that's insubordination!

You forget, I'm a
civilized civilian.

Yeah, well you still gotta help me
make out our report. Now, come on!

Every lieutenant
needs a good sergeant.

Miss Kitty, you're
a lot of woman.

Don't you be surprised if old
Holly comes a-courtin' one day.

Stay tuned for scenes
from next week's Gunsmoke.