Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 14, Episode 18 - Gold Town - full transcript

This episode is a follow-up to "Hill Girl" (#13:20). Merry Florene is back, along with her remaining half-brother Elbert Moses and cousin Smiley. Merry Florene pesters Newly while the boys scam Dodge City with a salted gold mine.

Gunsmoke, starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

All right. All right.

You'd better start
another round, cousin.

But I'll tell you one thing, Cousin Smiley,
these town folks sure do have sharp eyes.

We keep this up, we're
gonna lose every cent we got.

All right, let's have another
game. Place your bets, now.

Another game. Who's
ready? Who's willing?

Why that's that big old long-legged
ridge-runner, Elbert Moses.

That's who that is.

Well, that's one way
of describing him.

See that other one
there with him, Matthew,

grinning like a
cat-eating cactus?

That's his cousin, Smiley.

And when he starts to smiling,

you'd better get a good
halt on your pocket money.

Well, I noticed that just
looking out through the jail.

Well, maybe
you're right, cousin,

but it just don't seem
a fair kind of game

if we quit just on
account we're losing.

That's right. You
said table stakes.

You said we could bet
till your money's gone.

All right. All right, then...

Well then, let's have
bets for another game.

What do you say? Huh? Which
one now? Where's the pea?

If Elbert Moses ever
quit swindling people

and turned in some honest
work, he'd make a good living.

Oh, fiddle, the onlyest honest
breath either one of them ever took

was the day they was born.

- Seventeen dollars?
- Seventeen dollars.

Well, I guess maybe we can
cover that much, cousin, can we?

- Yeah.
- I... I got another ten.

- Good.
- Twenty-five cents.

No puny, piddling 25 cents.
These be high stakes, mister.

Cousin Elbert Moses, now,
the man's money is welcome,

as long as he earned
it honest. Now, did you?

Of course!

Well then, uh, you're covered
here. Cover the man's quarter.

Twenty-five cents.

All right, ladies and
gentlemen. Now, watch the pea.

Find out which shell it's
under, and here we go.

Round and round she goes,
where she stops nobody knows.

Hand is quicker than the eye,
hand is quicker than the eye!

Which one's it under?
Where's the pea?

I say it's under the middle
one. The middle one.

Same here.

All right, look. I'm
gonna give you folks

another chance to
guess, you want it?

It's the middle one, mister.
You're not gonna change our minds.

In fact, I'll cover the rest of
the money you got in your hand.

Elbert, seems to me I told you
last time you came to Dodge

you'd have to behave
yourself, didn't I?

Well now, Marshal,
as you can see,

there ain't nobody more law-abiding than
old Cousin Smiley and me right this minute.

Why, this is just a game of
skill. A little friendly wager

so they can try to guess
where the pea's hid.

- Right.
- Uh-huh.

There is a pea under one
of those shells, I take it?


We guessed right five
times in a row, Marshal.

All right, I think I'll make
a little wager myself then.

Matthew, I saw how this game...

I'm just gonna wager as
to whether or not you two

are gonna be riding out of
town in about five minutes.

All right, I'll take that
middle one myself.

Go on, turn the others over.

Give me my money.

I'm going to Miss Kitty's.

Now, I'm going to tell you
two once more for the last time.

Don't you come back into Dodge
unless you've got legitimate business here.

Now, if you ride out in
the next five minutes,

you might just save
yourself a jail sentence.

Five minutes.

Took us an awful long time

to put them dollars together
we see walking away.

Now, that ain't fair.

Oh, just about as fair as
you setting these folks up

and then taking their
hard earned money, ain't it?

I don't reckon you'd
want to make a bet

about which hand that
pea's hide in, would you?

Oh, I must have
dropped it on the ground...


Why is it every time I run
into bad luck, you're around?

Is that what you
call bad luck, is it?

Cheating folks and
getting caught at it?

Get out of town.

Elbert Moses, I'm
just feeling all crinkly

the way money's
been avoiding me lately.

Yeah, well I figure we've
been practically cheated,

way them people just
grabbed that money and run.

I tell you, I sure would
like to get even with these

smart-alecky, stupid townpeople.

Well, get even's
all right with me,

as long as it puts some
money in my pocket.

Then why don't we get us a
bottle and a place and figure on it?

Yeah, except we ain't
got the price for a bottle.

Well then, I reckon
we can do without one.

But I'll tell you one
thing, Cousin Smiley.

I figure we've been
took for 50 dollars,

and I figure this town's got
that coming back in grief.

Come on, Cousin Smiley.

That's a fool thing.

You burn down the jail,
they'll just build another.

Yeah, it sure would pleasure me
though to see the marshal running out

in the middle of the
night in his long johns,

kinda smoking here and there.

No, you got to beat them
Dodge people in dealings.

That's the way to hurt them.

Gonna have to get used to
being on the move again, old girl.

It's like the old saying, use a
little honey, show a little peace,

then they never get
mad at the nice fella.

- You being the nice fella, of course.
- Of course.

Morning, friends.

You boys like to do me a favor?

We got our own problems, friend.

No, no, I didn't mean
no labor on your part.

Just these jugs of whiskey.

See, I... I can't take
my whole stock along.

You fellas welcome to
dispose of it any way you like.

This day sure could
use some refreshment.

Sure could.

Better lend you boys a hand,
seeing it don't go to waste.

Get us out of the sun, eh?

So... so old Grandma,
swatting that old broom,

chasing that old bear
out the back porch.

I mean... I mean, that
old bear never come back!

You fellas sure
make good company.

Real glad you stopped by.

Hey, you been alone here for five years,
you old coot, anybody'd be good company.

Yeah, I guess.

Must be about close to five years
since last fella decided to move on.

I just kept right on digging.

About two or three dollars
a month about all the gold

a man can come up with
right now. Real shame.

With the grace of God,
being like the ground's worth

a man's labor, you'd have
had here a Dodge City,

yes, town hustling and bustling.

Are you saying you own most
of the diggings hereabouts...

What'd you say?
How'd that go again?

Yeah, just kept buying as
these fellas decided to move on.

Speculating, you might say.

You know, sometimes, I got
me a whole claim for a dollar.

See, you fellas
decide to buy me out,

I could let you have some
50 land titles for 50 dollars.

Fifty dollars’ worth of nothing.

Eh, sad truth that, sad truth.

Yeah, gold run about
12 cents a ton right now.

Adds up to about two, three
dollars a month for a man's labor.

Well, guess I'd better get on
out there and finish my packing.

You know, that sure is a good bargain,
all these diggings for fifty dollars.

Bargain? In what?

Well, it's just a bargain.

Fifty dollars. We ain't got
fifty cents, let alone fifty dollars.

I'm wondering if that old coot
might not be a gambling man?

Oh, Cousin Smiley.

Yeah. Yes, siree.

Yeah. Been a real pleasure
meeting up with you fellas.

Yeah, it'd be a real pleasure to me too,
if I come out of it with a man's horse.

Oh, now, now, now. You
didn't completely lose out,

me signing all them land titles
over to you clear out of generosity.

I bet you give away a lot of snow
at Christmas time too, don't you?

Now, recalling that bet...

I was supposed to point out
where that pea be, weren't I?

Squeezing it in
your hand, you were.

Tell you what, fellas. I'm
the kind a man don't like

taking nothing from somebody
he ain't smiling after he leave me.

I'll give you 20 dollars, thereabouts,
gold poke for eating money.

My blessing's on you, boys.

Take care now, you hear?


Well, may as well get in there
and finish what's left in them jugs.

Smiley, we are going from bad
to worse, and I mean real fast.

- That don't look like no gold to me.
- It just needs pounding and washing.

How come you know
so much about it?

I was up in Deadwood
the time they all went wild

over finding no more than
just what I got in my ha...

Elbert Moses, something's coming to
me. It's a little crazy, but it's coming.

Now, don't nobody know but you and
me that it took that old coot a year to...

to dig up this 20 dollars'
worth of gold, right?


So supposing that
them Dodge folks

got to thinking that we
dug this gold in a day?

Oh, come on, Cousin Smiley.
Ain't nobody going to believe

we can get 20 dollars
out of this place in a day.

Shoot, if they did, they'd...

come running and
us owning the land.

Why up there in
Deadwood, as I recollect,

land that wasn't
worth sneezing at

was getting a thousand dollars
a lot after they brung in the gold.

A thousand dollars.

Cousin Smiley, what you're
saying is clear sobering me up.

Elbert Moses,
we gotta think big.

Now, what's a real fine
big-sounding name for a town?

What town?

"Welcome to Gold Town?"

I thought you said
we's moving to a town.

This here ain't no town.

How do you think towns get
started? They get started from nothing.

Well, this here's
less than nothing.

All right, now you listen.

You get in that there mine,
you clean up all that stuff in there.

Get Grandma to fill in all the
varmint holes along the street.

We don't want people thinking
this town's just fit for varmints.

Now, you look here. Grandma
and me, we ain't about

to go cleaning up no
town that ain't even a town.

Now you listen, girl!

There's one thing we ain't arguing
about and that's your helping out.

You always wanted to
be a school teacher, right?

Well, you just might
get your chance, girl.

School teacher?

Yeah, we're gonna build us a school
house right next door to the saloon.

You know, we're
gonna have a real town.

You two gone plumb crazy?

They always been.

All right, you all listen.

We're gonna have us a regular
town here, and if we stop getting sass,

you all just might turn
out to be as rich as us.

I can clear smell you boys
is heading straight for trouble.

You going to smell trouble all
right if we come back from Dodge

and find out there ain't
been no work done.

Come on, Cousin Smiley.

Festus, I just don't understand

why Ada would leave you
after one dance and go home.

You must have done
something to hurt her feelings.

No, Miss Kitty. Honest I...

Bottle of whiskey.

I thought me and the marshal told
you two to stay out of Dodge City?

'Less we had business, he said.

Now, buying whiskey
is business, ain't it?

Ain't got no money
for the whiskey.

That figures.

Just gold.


Oh, ma'am, I'm wondering,
could you tell me,

do you figure there's
enough in here for a bottle?

Sam, you'd better
take a look at it.

You know more about
that stuff than I do.

- You see a dollar's worth there?
- Well, it's raw gold.

You mean it ain't even worth...

- even worth a dollar?
- I didn't say that.

- Well, what do you say?
- Well, it's unrefined.

Can't weigh it, so it's
just a matter of guessing.

As near as I can
tell, Miss Kitty,

there might be 20
dollars here, maybe more.

Well, we don't have
any way of measuring it...

I'll tell you what, why don't
you boys just charge that bottle

and we'll settle up later.

Why thank you for
your kindness, ma'am.

But we don't want you thinking
that there's 20 dollars here.


We just couldn't have dug 20 dollars'
worth of gold in just two or three hours

- out on them old diggings west of town.
- No, I bet it's just luck.

- We ain't gonna do as good tomorrow.
- No, just purely old luck.

- Thank you for your trust.
- Obliged.

Miss Kitty, you hadn't
ought to trust them two.

Why, they're crooked.

They never got no 20 dollars'
worth of gold in no two hours

in them diggings
west of town, neither.

Look at 'em. Just like
dropping a catfish hook

with a big, old, fat
summer worm on it.

Lucky critters, that pair.

Twenty dollars
gold in two hours.

More than luck, I say.


Merry Florene!

It's Festus!

Well, Merry Florene,
it's nice to see you again.

Nice to see you,
too, Mr. Festus.

What are you doing here in town?

I just come in to get
some school supplies.

Oh, is that so?

We got us some young'uns
out at the diggings I got to teach.

Yes'm, I heard there was
a whole passel of folks

a-settling out at
yonder during the week.

Just a miracle, Mr. Festus, way
my brother Elbert and Cousin Smiley

done set up a whole
town by themself.

Is that so?

Was beyond them,
I was first thinking.

Um, Mr. Festus, um...

Mr. Newly still got that
old gun shop of his?

Yes'm, he's still got it.
He's in and out of there.

You can probably catch
him over there directly.

Well, I reckon I'll wait
around here a spell.

Sure good to see you again.

Nice to see you, too.

Oh, Festus. You're just
the one I'm looking for.

Expect you're on your
way to Garden City

to see about that
stage holdup, ain't you?

Yeah. Second time in a
month. Same two men, I guess.

Look, there's something I want you to
do for me in the meantime while I'm gone.

You've heard about those goings-on
out there by that gold digging field?

Oh, yeah, I've heared about it.

I don't understand
everything about it, though.

Well, I don't either, but it seems
like for a payment of ten dollars,

they'll give you a
piece of ground to work.

If you're not happy with the
amount of gold you're getting out of it,

- they give you your money back.
- Oh, foot!

I've heard about that Matthew,
but I'll tell you one thing.

The day that them two fellas
gives anybody their money back,

I want to be there to see it.

Well, that's what I've
got in mind, Festus.

I want you to take this ten
dollars and go down there

and put it down
on a piece of land.

There's fifteen men and
their families living out there,

and as far as I'm concerned there's
something fishy going on about it

and I want you to go out
there and see what it is.

You betcha.

Meantime, tell Newly to keep an eye on
things around town here for me, willya?

You betcha. Sure will.

If there's any trouble at
all, wire me in Garden City.

I'll do her, Matthew. So long.

Morning, Mr. Newly.

Merry Florene. What
brings you to town?

I got myself kind of a job,
Mr. Newly. School teaching.

It's a school my brother
and cousin be opening.

Yeah, I heard
something about that.

I want to wish you a
lot of luck with it, too.

Them diggings ain't
so far from Dodge.

No, just a few miles.

I mean, I won't be busy
teaching day and night.

Not hardly.

I mean...

Well, seeing you're
so busy and everything,

- I could be coming into Dodge.
- Huh?

Well, you don't have to be
ashamed of sparking a school teacher,

like maybe you was ashamed
of sparking me before.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait just a minute.

There was never any question of me
being ashamed or anything like that.

Well, you never took it
up to no serious sparking.

And... I figured if I
weren't ugly or nothing,

that maybe it was just 'cause
you was a little bit ashamed of me

- on account I wasn't no town girl.
- Well, of course you're not ugly.

It's none of those
things. It's just that a girl...

a girl doesn't go around wanting to
know why some fella isn't sparking her.

Oh. Tsk! I been too forward.

Fellas and girls, they just
naturally come together

without the girl
asking outright.

Well, how would
that work, Mr. Newly?

Well, for an example,
a fella says to a girl...

he says, "Would you like to go
to the church picnic Sunday?"

or, "Would you like to
go riding in the buggy?"

And if she says yes, then
that's exactly what they do.

Well I'd be saying yes right away
you asking me a thing like that.

Except I didn't.

Mr. Newly, you notice
anything different about me?

I don't think I know exactly
what you mean by that.

The way I growed up.

When we first met, you remember?


I weren't nothing but a girl.

Well, I'm sort of a woman now...

- I mean, kinda.
- I can see that.

Well ain't you gonna ask me
to go out buggy riding with you?

There you go, that's... that's
absolutely being forward.

Mr. Newly, it'd be
kind of wonderful

if it was the other way
around. The girl asking the fella.

You know what I'd
be doing right away?

No, what?

Newly, you're sort of overpowering,
you know what I mean?

Oh. Morning again, Mr. Festus.

Merry Florene.

That didn't look
anything like it was.

Oh, that so?

You walk in here and
what looks like... like...

- Well, it just isn't.
- Newly, I feel plumb bad

about busting in right in
the middle of the thing that...

that wasn't what
you didn't say it was.

I... I feel plumb bad about it.

Well you didn't
bust up anything.

Well now, don't
just get all riled up.

You know, you ain't the
first fella that I've ever saw

trying to sweep
a girl off her feet.

And it's like Merry Florene said,
you... you was plumb overpowering.

Did you come in
here for something?

Oh! Matthew wants you to look
after the town while he's gone.

- Well, all right.
- Well.

Don't get so
blamed huffy about it.

You're getting just
as bad as old Doc is.

Getting to where a fella can't
rag you none at all no more.

You just pooch up like an old
toad and your eyes start to...

Well, howdy, Festus.

Howdy, Louie. Heh.

You digging for
gold there, are you?

Started just yesterday.

Too early to figure
on having any luck.

Well, you ain't got dug
down too deep there, yet.

But there's been a lot
of jibbering and jabbering

going on in town all week
about folks finding gold.

Have you seen
nary a bit of it yet?

Well, not me personally, but...

them two fellas
be doing all right.

Oh, is that so?

That tunnel. They're
keeping it for themselves.

They found their
bed of gold yet?

They ain't saying too much.

But they ain't
letting nobody in it.



- You want something in Gold Town?
- Gold Town?

Yeah, didn't you read
that there sign coming in?

Shoot, he can't read.

All right, smart aleck,

I took me a long look at that
sign and that's what it said.

Gold Town.

Well that's so people
don't get mixed up,

you know, to know
there's gold here.

What's on your mind?

Well, things is a
little slack in Dodge

and I just figured
I might come out

and do a little bit
of digging myself.

You ain't acceptable.

We want family fellas here.

That's right, we be more
interested in setting up a town

than having some old
bum come out here...

No, take it easy, deputy.
No... no offense meant.

No offense meant. We
just want family folks to...

to keep our school
we got going, that's all.

I ain't got no young'uns
myself, but I just figured

that a little dab of schooling
wouldn't hurt me none.

Besides, it costs ten dollars,

and we don't trust
nobody for the money.

All right, Mr. Bigmouth.
I got ten dollars.

What's that there look
like? There's ten dollars.

I don't reckon you fellas has got
anything to hide being out here, have you?

You pick a place that
ain't been dug and dig.

Fair enough.

I bet you he was
sent to watch us.

We ain't breaking the law.

Well, it ain't that so much, Louie,
it's just that I know blame well

that there's something
shady going on here.

They ain't asking
anything of us, Festus.

We don't dig no gold,
we get our money back.

Just the same, I'm a fixing to
keep my eyeball peeled on them two.

I'd just give a-plenty to know
what's in their heads, too.

I'll tell you that for sure.

Don't remember this
place ever being so busy.

I'd soon keep clear of Dodge.
Why don't we put up around here?

Somebody must be making
a dollar, the work going on.

Worth looking over.

Well, Elbert Moses, that
ought to just about do it.

Cousin Smiley, when do you
think we ought to get things rolling?

I'm a firm believer in
bringing happiness to folks

just as soon as I can.

Let's get to going on it, huh?


Now, we's going to learn
our letters by drawing them.

And it's going to be real easy,

'cause each letter's gonna
remind us of something.


What letter looks like a house?

- Sue?
- An "A" looks like a house.

Very good.

Now, that's a "O".

Now, I want you all to
try and write your letters

from A going as far as you can

and I'm going to be right back.

You're not supposed to cheat.

Cheating? Well,
who's a-cheating?

Onlyest thing I was trying
to do was to see that...

that you got started off on
the right foot, don't you see?


Grandma, working no saloon ain't
gonna tax your strength none, is it?

Ain't no problems,
at all, Merry Florene.

Well you find
yourself getting tired,

you just take yourself a
little nap now, you hear?

Yes, I will, honey.


- How's that?
- That's fine. Put some right there.

I heard something!

- What you doing in here?
- Just looking around.

Get back out there
to that there school.

Want people to think we
ain't got a civilized town here?

Yeah, we got to keep
the land values up.

That's right. Cousin Smiley says
we're gonna make us 10,000 dollars

selling them land lots
after the hullabaloo starts.

What hullabaloo?

Uh, we'll tell you all about
it later, Merry Florene.

But right now we got a lot of
work to do and you get out of here.

Go on, get out of here!

Why didn't you
just come right out

- and tell her, you big blab?
- Ow!

All right, that's
enough salting.

Come on, give me that
gold. Let's get out of here.

Boy, I bet you that old-timer there's
just been in more gold mining camps

- more years than he can remember.
- There's some truth to that, sonny.

Oh. Oh, well we was just
saying about how we sure wish

we had an old-timer with
us, show us how to wash gold.

- You know, we being such babes and all.
- Yeah, that's right.

Well, there ain't much to it,
you... you just pound what you dig

out of that tunnel and
wash it in the water.

Well, gold droppings is heavy.

You'd find it just
staring out at you.

Well, I'll tell you, we sure would
appreciate it if you'd kind of...

well, show us how
the washing works.

I reckon I could spare the time.

- Obliged. Obliged.
- Thank you.

Well, I've seen
more efficient things,

but it'll probably
wash, I guess.

Get them buckets full of water.
Where you boys been digging?

Right at the bottom
of that shovel there.

It's going in.

- All right, Elbert Moses.
- Here goes.

Okay, put some
water in. Flush it.

Right. Water.


Now, this heavy dirt...
that's anything with gold in it,

sort of works its way down.

Then all you have to
do is just keep this going.

A fella might do a
little bit of a prayer, too.

- What? Something wrong?
- What is it?

You just put the water...
keep the water coming.

- Did you find something?
- Keep that water coming.

- What is it?
- Did you find something?

Well, what is it?

- You did it. You boys did it!
- What?

That's gold! Gold! Real gold!

You boys did it! Gold!

Five dollars a shovel full.

- Are you sure, old-timer?
- Am I sure, he says.

Biggest strike I've seen in 20
years and he says am I sure.

This don't hardly seem possible.

Don't hardly seem possible he
says. He wants it in gold bricks.

He wants it in a
chain on his vest.

Gold! I got gold! I found gold!

Elbert Moses, just
goes to show you...

Work hard and you get there.

Cousin Smiley, I
still can't believe it.

- Try.
- I will.

Hold it. Taste it. Smell it.

You've got the world
right there in your hand.

Squeeze it and hold it. I've
been waiting 20 years for...

Wait a minute! Hold on!
Now, where'd you get this at?

Where did I get it, he says.

I shoveled it right out of
that tunnel wall in there.

That's where I got it at. Just
waiting for the right day and...

and the right hour,
and the right shovel.

I found gold! Gold!

- We found gold! I got gold!
- Gold!

A gold find?

Don't think I'm in a
hurry to leave here.

Gold in Gold Town!

You boys sure
named this place right.

You got 10,000 a week coming
right out of that there little tunnel.

Ten thousand a week?

Maybe more! Maybe more!

Well, I gotta go do
my own panning.

Hold it, friends.
Hold it. Hold it.

Now, you folks stuck
with us. And we're sharing.

And I bet you there ain't nobody
wanting his ten dollars back, is there?

All right. All right.

Now, I'm gonna tell you what we're
gonna do for you good folks of Dodge.

We're sharing Gold
Town. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Me and Elbert here, why
we're gonna be satisfied

with this little old itty-bitty
piece of ground right here.

And we ain't taking a penny's
worth until that gold proves out.

Until we start shipping
that 10,000 dollars' worth

like our old friend
here says, huh?

So, you all go to
work in your diggings,

and starting tomorrow,
you come and sign up

for keeping your ground.

Oh, yeah, and we ain't gonna charge
no more than, oh... 200 dollars a head.

Uh, but we're giving everybody
a whole week to raise the money!

- How's that?
- Huh? Huh?

You put my name down
right now, you hear?

It's down, old-timer.


Come on, Elbert
Moses, we got work to do.

Let's go.

Got some more for you boys.

Real fine, Merry Florene.

Can I see what a
poke of gold looks like?

Get your hand off that.

Here, Merry Florene, uh...

take a peek at my poke, huh?

Look at the way
that gold sparkles.

- Ooh, that excites a person so.
- Now, put it back. We got work to do.

Brother Elbert. Cousin Smiley.
I'm just so proud of you boys.

You just doing things right to make
up for all those things you done wrong.

Dadgum it, will you stop it?

Now, get out there and sew
some more pokes to put this gold in.

- I'm doing that.
- Well, go on, git.

I tell you, that teaching
school has sure set her off.

Hope it don't
make her too smart.

Oh, don't fret on that, cousin.

With all that teaching,
she's still dumber than a stick.

Oh, ain't it exciting,
Mr. Festus?

Just don't figure.

Don't figure at all.

When we moving in?

Well, they like to brag how
much gold they're putting together.

We hear ten thousand,
be about the right time.

Mr. Newly!

Looky me!

My, that dress
looks real fine, Merry.

It's my brother and cousin's
doing. They said to come into town

and buy everything I
wanted to, charge it to them.

Well, I'm so happy everything's
working out so well for you.

Mr. Newly, you haven't been
out to Gold Town to visit me.

The Marshal asked me to
stay here while he's gone.

Which reminds me, if you see
Festus, tell him the Marshal wired me

a description of one of those
horses the outlaws are using.

Tell him to keep an
eye out for a pinto.

Mr. Newly, you want me to
come in and visit with you tonight?

I'm sorry, Merry, I'm
gonna be real busy.

Cousin Smiley, you sure nobody else got
a right to open these here boxes but us?

That's what that Dodge
freight fella told Merry Florene

when she got 'em for us.
Besides, it's our property, ain't it?

You sure know your way
around townfolk, Cousin Smiley.

- Come on, let's get them locked.
- All right.


Are you sure, Festus,
it's the proper thing to do?

I mean, a man's
diggings is like his house.

You ain't invited in, you
got the chance of being dead

the minute you
get past the door.

Louie, this here whole deal is
crookeder than a dog's hind leg.

Now, believe me, it is.

When a thing don't add up,
it just plain old don't add up.

That's all there are
to it, don't you see?

Did you say ten thousand?

In that neighborhood.

Don't you think you ought to send it on
over to Kansas City government office?

- For a small fee they'll refine it.
- Uh-uh.

We don't want no government
fooling around with our gold.

No, you just take it to
that Hays City office,

where they got that big
strong safe and put her there.

Okay. Here's your receipt.

Still gonna do it, Festus?

Oh, of course I am.

The minute they sit down to
eat their grub, I'm gonna do it.

I am.

Hyah! Hyah!

Know something, Cousin Smiley?

I don't hold no grudge against
them town people no more.

Elbert Moses, that's
a good thought.

It's like the Good Book says,

don't get to hating
them you been cheating.

- Good Book says that?
- Oh yeah.

And it goes on to say do unto
others before they do it to you.

Shoot, I got to read the Good
Book more, when I take up reading.

Fill 'em up.

You sure are lucky. I had
my aim on your stupid head.

Smells plumb lovely, Grandma.

Mine's got something
squiggly in it.

Now, Louie, you stay out here
and keep your eyeball peeled.

Ain't gonna be gone long?

No, I ain't gonna be gone...

I'm going to fill up this
here toe-sack with ore.

And I'll guarantee you, Louie,

you ain't gonna find enough
gold in it to fill up a thimble with.

And if that's the way it is,
then they been a-playing

that old game of
Salt the Diggings.

We've been robbed!
We've been robbed!

- We've been robbed, Festus.
- Where at?

Well, they hit us on the
upper canyon trail, Festus.

They wounded the shotgun.

We're going to take
him on in to see Doc.

Did you get a look at
the robbers, did you?

Well there... there were two of
'em, they had their faces covered.

One was riding a
pinto, if that's any help.

Pinto? Oh, Mr. Newly told me to
tell you that Matt Dillon said to...

to keep your eye out
for something like that.

All right then, Burke. Now,
the minute you get in town,

get a telegraph off to Matthew
and tell him we're up here.

I'll see if I can pick up
their trail over in the canyon.

Now, don't you men
worry none about your gold.

If it's... if it's not recovered,
the freight company

will be sending you a check for
the 10,000 dollars' declared value.


- Come on, let's get out of here!
- Hyah!

Elbert Moses, people just
putting money in our pockets

and there ain't no
way we can stop 'em.

Ten thousand
dollars ain't bad pay

for putting dirt in
those gold pokes, is it?

We ought to go into the
town-opening business.

Gonna name the next one
after you, Cousin Smiley.

Hate to interrupt
that nice dream.

- What...
- Where's the gold?

- Cousin Smiley. Gold?
- Eh?

Now, maybe you've got your own
reasons for wanting people to think

you got twice the gold
you have. We don't care.

Just lead us to them gold pokes
you've been filling here all week.

Oh, we done... uh, we
shipped out all the gold we had.

We know the difference
between plain dirt and gold, mister.

You be them stage robbers.

Well, why don't you all just...

just ride out ahead and
get in front of the posse.

Five seconds, you won't be able to
say where you got those gold pokes.

Look, I... I'm tellin' you.
There was never no gold.

In the second you got
left, you say where it is.

Back further in the tunnel?

Maybe that sister of
yours holding it for you.

Cousin. She's my cousin.

No. Now listen, you
don't understand.

There was never no gold. We
just... we put dirt in all them pokes

so that the townfolk would
think that we found gold, you see?

That's right. That's right.

We put it in them... in them strong
boxes for storage in... in Hays,

you know, so we could go on
cheating the people and getting credit

- and selling the town.
- Brother Elbert, that ain't true!

You boys couldn't be that mean.

Me getting in Dodge and getting
credit and people trusting me and...

- Now, Merry Florene...
- There is gold! There is gold!

You boys, for once in your
life, you done something good.

There is gold! Say there is!

But Merry Florene,
you don't understand!

What I understand is
nobody could be so mean

as to make people work in
this here town for a whole week.

Now, of course
there's gold, I seen it!

- You showed it to me, Cousin Smiley!
- Merry Florene, shut up!

I'm telling you there's no gold!

There ain't!

Their horse is right
there, Matthew.

That's just how it was.

Just that little old
itty-bitty bit of gold

- made everybody believe everything.
- That's right!

Ain't never heard such
a story in all my life.

- I don't believe it.
- And me a school teacher.

I won't never be able
to face Mr. Newly again,

and maybe him thinking me
and Grandma been in on it.

A stack of bibles couldn't convince
me you two don't know were the gold is.

Now you got one minute
to fetch it on up here,

or little sister gets
the worse of it.

- You mean we can leave?
- We'll be right back with the gold.

Be right back!

- Oh!
- Whoa!

Come on.

Hold it right there.
Drop the guns.

Go on, drop 'em.

Get your hands up.

All right, let's go.

What's going on?

Well, uh... there
it is, Marshal.

Every penny that... that
the townspeople paid us.

We don't want none of it.

No. No. No. And, uh... and
we want you to know, Marshal,

that we was just testing
security and all, like...

like you'd say, sending
that dirt on the gold stage.

Well, now, hold on
just a minute here.

Now what about all these bills
you've been running up in town?

We're gonna pay 'em.

- Everyone.
- Someday.

Uh, not someday.
You're gonna start today.

Uh, well, we... we...
we ain't got no job.

Well, I'm gonna give
you boys a choice.

You either go out and
find yourselves some jobs

and start paying
those people back,

or you can spend your time waiting
for Judge Brooker in a jail cell here.

- We still gonna have to see the judge?
- Monday morning.

And you'd better take my advice and
if you want him to be in a good mood

you go out and get
yourselves some jobs.

Oh, Marshal.

Maybe you might be interested in
buying some good town lots cheap?

Oh, yeah, there's a whole bunch of
them right down on the other side...

What about Ada?

If you got yourself a new pair of
boots, you could probably dance.

I don't give a hoot
about dancing.

And I don't give a
hoot about Ada, neither.

Mr. Newly! Mr. Newly.

- You just won't never guess.
- What's that?

Well, you know Miss Ackrons,
the regular school teacher?

Well, she done took sick,
and they be saying that

I can teach them
children until she gets well.

Well, I think that's right
nice, Merry Florene.

And you know what else?

Well, them... them childrens got
this class they call the kindergarten.

And, um, they say that that might be
a real nice job for a beginning teacher.

Well, I think that sounds like
a real fine opportunity, Merry.

And you know what that means?
Means I can stay here in Dodge and...

and you won't have to go traveling
all around the country to spark me.

Well, I... I gots to go.

But I just wanted to
tell you the good news.

Um, Mr. Newly?

You can just pick me up at
that school house any old time.


Newly, ain't I been hearing

that that there school
teacher, Miss Ackrons,

is a little bit sweet on you?

Not that I know.

Well, I've heared a
lot of folks say that...

that she's really got her
eyeball peeled right on you.

Well, right now I've got my eye
peeled on a lot of work I'm behind in.


Two schoolteachers
sweet on old Newly?

Sure am glad it ain't me.

That's enough to
boggle a man's brain.

Just make you want
to flaunt and bellow

and throw a
regular conniption fit.

Stay tuned for scenes
from next week's Gunsmoke.