Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 11, Episode 5 - Taps for Old Jeb - full transcript

After a successful search for gold, two prospectors hire a man who shows up at their campfire as a bodyguard.

(dramatic theme music playing)

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(both guns fire)

ANNOUNCER: starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

(crickets chirping)

(hoofbeats approaching)

Evening, stranger.

Evening.

Climb down and squat.

Coffee's just
about ready to pour.

I'm Jeb Crater. That's
my partner, Sholo.



Stretch Morgan.

Much obliged.

I, uh... I smelled your coffee
about a... about a mile back.

Well, way I figure it, a
man can't go far wrong

by following his nose.

Now, me, I can
always smell gold.

I been sniffing around
after it most of my born life.

Ain't that coffee just
about ready to pour?

I reckon.

So you got yourself
a nose for gold, huh?

Like a hound dog hunting possum.

(chuckles) Well, you know,

hunting don't
always mean finding.

Son, you're looking at a man



who's just done a right
smart job of finding.

Yeah? Made yourself a
pretty big strike, did you?

Strike? We got us
a sack of nuggets

you couldn't hardly
lift with both hands.

Sholo and me struck
a pocket so rich,

it like to bug the eyes
right out of our heads.

You don't say.

You just follow us into Dodge
City and watch us spend it.

Pretty good idea.

I was, uh... was headed
for Dodge myself anyway,

more or less.

Well, you ain't a-goin' with us.

Sholo!

Well, you hadn't ought
to told him about it.

Stranger just coming
in here from nowheres.

How do you know what kind
of notions he's gonna get?

You gone plumb out
of your mind, Sholo?

What do you mean
talking to me like that?

I'm sorry, Mr. Jeb.

I didn't mean no offense.

It's just that part of
that there gold's mine.

Course it is.

And you're gonna get it, too.

If he don't get it first.

This man's our guest.
What do you mean...

Now, wait. He's right.

You shouldn't ought to
have told me about the gold.

See? Never can tell

what's gonna happen, can you?

Uh-uh. Don't go for it.

Now, what you ought to have
done was hired yourself a bodyguard.

Well, that's one of the
things he's supposed to be.

Yeah? (chuckles)

He handled that rifle just
like it was a plow handle.

You got the cards, mister.

What you aiming to do?

(chuckles)

Finish my coffee.

Put that gun away.

You want a job?

Bodyguard?

I got me a lot of
friends in Dodge City,

but they ain't all my friends.

(chuckles)

All right, I'll do it.

But just for grub
and drinks, mind you.

That word "job,"
I don't like that.

Makes me just about as
skittish as a filly in fly time.

All right then.

It's grub and drinks.

And a... and a new hat,
maybe, and a pair of boots.

You just string
along with me, son,

and you'll be living
high on the hog.

That's just the
way I like to live.

(theme music playing)

♪♪

Hey, that's old Jeb.

By golly it is.

He ain't been in town
in six months or more.

Hey, Jeb!

- Howdy, Feeter, Milty.
- Hi.

You're looking as mean
as ever, both of you.

- (chuckles) -Well, at least
we don't look scroungy.

That's right.

When's the last time
you had a bath, Jeb?

(both laugh)

I don't rightly recollect.

But I'm gonna have
me one in about an hour.

That is, if somebody didn't
burn down that old shack of mine.

It was still standing
a week ago, Jeb.

Yeah, still lopsided,
same as it always was.

Lopsided don't mean nothing.

I stand a mite that way myself.

Maybe it's because of
what I'm packin' here.

(chuckles)

Oh, we've heard
that story before, Jeb.

Well, you just wait till you see
some of the nuggets I got here.

That loud-talking mouth of yours

will water all over
your shirtfront.

I ain't exaggeratin', Feeter.
We really did it this time.

Well, howdy, Jeb.

Howdy, Festus, Marshal.

Well, Jeb, did
you make a strike?

I sure did, Marshal.

In spite of...

what these hee-hawing
jackasses might think.

I knowed you'd strike her, Jeb,

if you just kept
a-diggin' long enough.

We done her, all right.

I reckon right now Sholo and
me is the richest people in Kansas.

Well, now, Jeb, you'd better
get it on down to the bank.

I think Jason's planning
to close up early

and go quail hunting.

I ain't puttin' this in no bank.

Why ain't you?

'Cause I don't trust
'em, that's why not.

Now, Jeb, listen here.

You know Jason's an honest man.

Not only that, but that gold
will be a lot safer in the bank

than it is out here
packing around with you.

Well, don't you trouble
yourself, Marshal.

I got me a bodyguard.

You got you a what?

A bodyguard.

Stretch, come on up here.

This here is Stretch Morgan.

Stretch, I want you to
meet Festus Haggen,

the biggest liar west
of the Mississippi.

And this here is Marshal Dillon,

the only law in 100 miles.

Howdy.

How do?

You're old Jeb's bodyguard, huh?

Well, not exactly.

More like a friend's
the way I'd put it.

Don't worry.

I'd take a hand, though, if
somebody tried to hustle him.

Well, there probably
won't be any need for that,

but I still say your gold's
safer in the bank, Jeb.

Stretch here is better
than a bank, Marshal.

You ought to see him
draw that gun of his.

Well, let's just hope he
doesn't have any need to.

Don't you worry, Marshal.

Ain't nothing gonna
happen to me.

How could it?

With all my friends
around me here.

Listen, folks!

Y'all come back here tonight
to the Long Branch Saloon,

every one of you, 'cause I'm
throwing the doggonedest shindig

you ever seen, and you all
got a invite, you hear me now?

(townsfolk cheering)

See you there, Jeb.

We're gonna have us a shindig

that folks will talk about

till the prairie dogs finally
bury this miserable old town.

- (laughter)
- MAN: Yes, sir!

I'm gonna pretty myself up now.

I'll see you all
back here, later.

- (chuckles)
- (townsfolk cheering)

You reckon old Jeb really
has got all that gold, Matthew?

Well, he may have it, Festus,

but I doubt he's
gonna have it long,

if he keeps shouting
around town about it like that.

Sholo, come on!

All right, boys... let her rip.

(Stretch laughing)

Ah... Yippee!

Yowee! Ha!

I ain't never been this clean

since the time I almost
married the Widow McClintock.

Hey, give me my towel, boys.

Aw, I ain't one to agree
with them that says

bathing saps a man's natural
vitality and ruins his health,

not if you don't
overdo it, that is.

Well, once every six months

ain't exactly
overdoing it, you know.

That's precisely the right time.

By then a man's dirty enough

so's he can really
appreciate it.

Hey, give me that
horse blanket of mine

'fore I catch my death
of galloping consumption.

(chuckles) Ooh, yeah.

Goldurn, if I don't
feel 100% better.

You gonna get
yourself a bath here?

Hmph!

Baths is for
foreigners and sinners,

not meaning you,
of course, Mr. Jeb.

Well, why not? I'm a sinner,

and I'm gonna be a bigger
one, now that I can afford it.

Sholo, go in the shack

and drag out them
go-to-meeting duds of mine.

- Yes, sir.
- And brush 'em up.

I'm going whole hog on this.

Hey.

(quietly): Give me a hand here.

There's three more in there.

Grab 'em and come on.

Here, throw 'em in there.

Hurry.

You told me you and him had
been partners... for 20 years.

What's the matter?
Don't you trust him?

Trust him?

I'd trust him with my life.

I done it, in fact,
a time or two.

Yeah, but you don't trust
him with the gold, is that it?

No, that ain't it.

But, listen, son,

there'll be a lot of
liquor flowing tonight,

and Sholo just can't handle it.

What you mean?

Well, he goes
clean off his head.

You never know whether
he's gonna get mean or mouthy

or sad or just go to sleep.

And you're afraid he
might tell somebody

where the gold's hid, huh?

He could shout it
from the rooftops

and never even recollect it.

So it's best not to
set temptation to him.

That's a good idea
for anybody, Jeb.

Sholo!

What in tarnation
you doing in there?

Why, I was just a-brushin' up
your clothes, like you told me.

They ain't in too
good a shape, though.

There's a whole lot of
bugs come a-flyin' out of 'em.

Moths ain't bugs...
They's insects.

And Dodge City
ain't "St. Louie."

That old suit of
mine will do just fine.

Now come on over
here and whittle off

some of these whiskers for me.

Give me that looking glass
so's I can keep a check on you.

All right, now start trimming.

Well, I don't exactly know how.

Well, it's just like
shearing a sheep,

only you don't cut him so close.

I ain't no sheep man.

I never was, and
don't you say it.

You're right, Sholo.
'Fore I took you on,

you'd always
been a cattle thief.

Come on now, start cuttin'.

Just get the long ones there.

Just even it up, just a mite.

I got to look good
for Miss Kitty.

I ain't seen her
in eight months.

I might even marry the gal.

Brethren and sistren,

I'm gonna shine tonight.

- (laughter)
- Yahoo!

Friends, Romans and
scroungers in general, drink hearty.

Starting right now,
everything is on old Jeb.

So, let the
festivities commence.

(all cheering)

Miss Kitty, every
time I hit town,

you just seem to get
prettier and prettier.

Thank you, Jeb.

All the time I was out in
them hills slaving away,

shoveling gravel, toting water,

starving, sweating
in that blazing sun,

the only thing I ever thought
about was you, Miss Kitty.

Well, now, that's
mighty sweet of you, Jeb.

But, you know, what I'm really
interested in finding out about

is, um, this party I hear you're
going to have in here tonight.

I bet you're wondering
if I can pay for it.

Well, it's liable to
be a goodly sum.

You rest your soul, Miss Kitty.

There's the wherewithal.

(Kitty laughs)

- Mmm! -Oh!
- (whistling)

(overlapping chatter,
awed murmuring)

Sam, let's weigh this up.

Is-is that real gold?

Well, of course
it's real gold, son.

Ain't you never
seen gold before?

Oh, no, I...

I ought to introduce you two.

Jeb, this is Clayton
Thaddeus Greenwood.

And Thad, this is Jeb Crater.

- Hi.
- Pleased to meet you, son.

You're invited to the party.

Oh, thank you kindly, but I...

Well, I don't know how much
is in that poke, but I figure

there's enough there to pay

for all the whiskey they
can drink, and you, too.

(cheering)

Now, just a minute, Jeb.

It's not the whiskey
I'm worried about.

After midnight, they start
breaking up all the furniture.

Well, if that ain't enough,

I got a lot more hid
away in a real safe place.

Don't you worry your
pretty head, Miss Kitty.

I make it out $420.

(whistling, all exclaiming)

KITTY: Well, you're right, Jeb.

That ought to take
care of everything,

including the furniture.

Yippee! Set 'em up.

(cheering, overlapping chatter)

Serve 'em, Sam.

Rudy?

(lively chatter, jaunty
piano music playing)

All right, fellas,
just step right up

and help yourselves here.

THAD: Hey, Cousin Morgan?

Hey, Cousin Morgan?

Don't you know me?

Well, I'm afraid you got the
advantage of me, stranger.

Aren't you Stretch Morgan,

of the Caddo County
Morgans, up in Oklahoma?

Yeah, that's right, but, uh,

I can't quite put
a handle on you.

Well, I'm Thaddeus Greenwood.

Why, you're Sheriff
Greenwood's kid.

You-you that young fella used
to follow me around everywhere?

That's right.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

You know, I wouldn't
knowed you in a million years.

Why, you were... you were
a head shorter than me.

Well, I kind of shot up
all of a sudden... right.

Yeah, I'll say you did.

All right, now, hold
it down a minute.

Old Jeb... Old Jeb
wants everybody to dance

and have some fun,
and this is his party.

Let's do it. Get away
from the bar there.

That's it. Need
another girl here.

Okay, honey, all
right, now, we're all set.

All right, let's go.

(playing upbeat tune)

♪ Well, y'all join hands
and circle to the south ♪

♪ And you let a little
sunshine in your mouth ♪

♪ Halfway around
you backtrack back ♪

♪ Single file, Indian style,
with the lady in the lead ♪

♪ Now you're home
and everybody's waiting ♪

♪ And they whirl ♪

♪ Round and round
with a pretty little girl ♪

♪ Allemande left
with the old left hand ♪

♪ Right your honey
on the right, left grand ♪

♪ Big foot up and
the little foot down ♪

♪ Make that big
foot jar the ground ♪

♪ Meet your honey and
you pat her on the head ♪

♪ She don't like
biscuits, just cornbread ♪

- ♪ Now you're home ♪
- (laughing)

♪ Everybody's waiting,
whirling round and round ♪

♪ With a pretty little girl ♪

♪ First in turn, then
you bow to the right ♪

♪ Circle of four in the
middle of the floor ♪

♪ Round and round
and round you go... ♪

Why do I get the feeling
that you two know each other?

Probably because
we grew up together.

Of course I used to be
quite a bit younger than he is.

But he used to take me
fishing and hunting, and...

just sure is good
to see you, Stretch.

Aren't you going to
introduce me to this lady?

Oh, sure.

Uh... Miss Kitty,

this is Stretch Morgan,
cousin of mine from Oklahoma.

How do you do, Stretch?
I'm real happy to meet you.

Great pleasure.

And Stretch, this here
is Miss Kitty Russell.

She owns this place.

That's, uh... that's wonderful.

Oh, come on, let's go
talk someplace, over here.

Can't we talk later?

Oh, come on!

We got five years
to catch up with.

STRETCH: I'll be back.

Promenade her!

♪ You know where
and I don't care ♪

♪ You get that gal
to an easy chair. ♪

(song ends, whistling,
applause and cheering)

I just don't understand

how an old goat like
you has so much luck.

Luck is what a man makes it,

and I've been working
for years to make mine.

Hey, Doc, come on over here.

Doc, if you ain't the best
doggone caller I ever heard.

Well, I tell you, there's
nothing like a square dance

to kind of stir
things up, is there?

That's right.
Another one, Sholo?

No!

(glass breaking)

Going home.

What in thunder's
the matter with him?

The older he gets,
the grumpier he gets.

He's just like a ol' hound dog.

All he wants to do is lay by
the fire and sleep or growl.

(laughter)

Jeb, here's to your
very good luck.

That's just what I
told him it was... luck!

- Right.
- All right, then, it's luck.

So... here's to luck, boys,

the goldurndest, luckiest
night old Jeb ever had.

(laughing)

I'm out.

I ain't even got a pair.

Boys, I've had me a night.

I'm going home.

I'll be right with you, Jeb.

No, forget it, son.
You stay in the game.

I don't need a nurse.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

This game's only going
to have two more hands,

'cause I'm closing up.

Sun's going to be all the
way up in another hour.

By golly, if you ain't right.

Miss Kitty, I want to thank
you for all your kindness.

I'm coming back
tomorrow and marry you.

It's already tomorrow.

Well, then, make
it the next day.

All right, I'll be right
here waiting for you.

You sure you can
get home all right?

You'll never see
the day I can't.

- Night, Miss Kitty.
- Good morning, Jeb.

Been the luckiest, happiest
day of my whole goldurned life.

Oh, by the way, Jeb,

you've, uh, got
some credit left.

Not much, but some.

Fine.

Buy yourself a wedding gown.

♪ Get along home,
Old Joe Clark ♪

(laughs) Ah.

♪ Get along home, I say ♪
(laughs)

♪ Get along home,
Old Joe Clark ♪

♪ I'll see you another day ♪

(laughing)

♪ Get along home,
Old Joe Clark ♪

♪ Get along home, I say ♪

♪ Get along home,
Old Joe Clark ♪

♪ I'll see you another day... ♪

(hoofbeats approaching)

(panting)

Marshal! Marshal!

Open... open, Marshall!

(panting)

- What is it?
- You-you come... Mr. Jeb...!

- Hurry!
- What's the matter with him?

(panting)

I think...

I-I think he's dead.

Be right with you.

(panting)

Poor old Jeb.

Looks like his biggest night on
earth might have been his last.

How bad do you think he is?

You know, it's hard to tell.

I don't really know,
but it's amazing.

A blow on the head like that

would have killed an
ordinary man his age,

but old Jeb...
he's pretty tough.

- (Jeb gasps and mumbles)
- Easy, Jeb. Easy.

Jeb? Jeb, can you
hear me? It's Matt Dillon.

Marshal.

Jeb, what happened
here? Who did this to you?

(panting)

Couldn't see. Couldn't see!

From... behind. I...

(mutters, sighs)

Well, afraid he's not
going to be much help

to you for a while, Matt.

No... no, I'm afraid not.

Matt, I'd like to get
him out in the buggy

as soon as we can
and get him into Dodge.

Want to bed him
down in my back room

so I can kind of
keep an eye on him.

All right, fine.

You think whoever
did this got the gold?

I don't know, Doc.

You talked to Sholo about this?

Oh, yeah, from all
the sense he made,

you'd think he'd been
hit on the head, too.

Sholo, he going to be all right.

He... he ain't a-gonna die?

No. Doc said he'd be
laid up for a few days,

but he'll come
out of it all right.

I'm mighty glad
for that, Marshal.

Sholo, how'd this happen?

20 years me and
him been together.

More than 20 maybe.

Yes, I can imagine it's
been quite a shock for you.

I always knowed when
he wanted something done,

without him even telling me.

He said I know it
by a kind of... of...

well, like a dog
knows something.

You know, when me and
him was working the claim,

he didn't talk to me,
sometime, for maybe a week.

Then when I'd say
something, he didn't even listen.

Course there wasn't
no reason for him to.

I... I never said nothing
important in my whole life.

And when I did talk, it
always come out wrong.

People'd start a-laughin' at me.

But not him.

He never laughed at me, Marshal.

He's the greatest
man in the world.

Yes, he's a fine fellow, Sholo.

Tell me, now. I want
to know what happened.

I don't know. I was asleep.

Asleep?

Yeah. It was the
liquor, Marshal.

I come out here
early last night,

and crawled in that there wagon.

That's the last
thing I remember.

You didn't hear Jeb come in?

I didn't hear nothin'
till about dawn.

Then something
woke me up, and...

I don't rightly remember
what it was, and...

then I went in there to
see if Mr. Jeb got back

from town all right, and...

I seen him a-lyin'
there on the floor.

I thought he was dead.

I knowed I had
to get help quick.

Well, do you know if
his gold was taken?

Huh?

Well, the gold he had left,
he said he had it hidden

in a safe place...
Where was that?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I'm a-tellin' you the truth,
Marshal... I don't know.

Him and Stretch
hid it somewheres,

and he didn't tell me where...

It was Stretch!

Stretch did what?

That woke me up!

I heard a horse...

and I woke up...

and I seen him
a-riding into town there.

You sure of that?

I swear it.

Oh, I knowed all along
he wasn't no good.

You find Stretch Morgan,
you'll find the one that done it,

I'm telling you.

All right, you help Doc here.

♪♪

(clattering nearby)

Who's there?

I just wanted to be
sure you were alone

when you opened up this morning.

How'd you get in here?

I busted the catch
on your back door.

I'm sorry about that, Thad...
I just didn't have no choice.

I thought you were staying
out at the old man's place.

He's dead.

What do you mean?

It wasn't me.

And don't you go
getting the wrong idea.

I found him that way.

I rode out after the
poker game this morning.

He was... he was lying on
the floor of the shack there

with his head all bashed in.

You told the marshal, I reckon.

He knows, all right.

I saw him riding out
there, hell for leather.

Doc Adams, too.

You mean you didn't tell him?

Thad, who do you figure
they gonna think did it?

You didn't do it,
did you, Stretch?

See? When you got to ask that,

what's everybody else gonna say?

(chuckles): Well, I
wasn't really asking.

I know you're not a killer.

Thanks.

You know, I'm, uh, I'm sorry

to be shoving my
problems off on you this way.

I just didn't have
anybody else to turn to.

That's all right.

That's what friends are for.

Then we're still friends?

(laughs) Sure.

I mean, I'd be a fine one to go
turn my back on my own cousin,

just 'cause he's in trouble.

I appreciate that.

Look, I'd, uh, I'd kind of like

to stay here for
a couple of days,

that is, until I can find
a way to get out of town.

Well, the marshal will be
over here sooner or later.

He's bound to find out
that we know each other.

But I'll think of
something, though.

You know, I bet
the guy who done it

killed him for that gold.

Oh, there's no doubt about that.

When I got there, the
place was pretty torn up.

You know, I was thinking.

It might have been
that partner of his.

He was in a real
mean mood last night.

But then... he would have
known where the gold was.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure he did.

He's the only one
who did know...

Except for old Jeb, of course.

Hello, Kitty.

You're late.

Late for what?

The hoedown. The resurrection.

Lazarus has risen.

And he's holding forth in there

- (Jeb chattering)
- like the high king of Baghdad.

Listen to that.

I could get more work
done in a boiler factory.

(Kitty laughs)

Jeb's feeling better, huh?

Better?

He claims that blow on his head

cured his rheumatism
and improved his eyesight.

I'm seriously
thinking about using it

on a couple of other
patients I know of.

Can I go in and see him?

I don't know why not.

Half the town's in there.

I'm thinking about
selling tickets.

(Kitty laughs)

JEB: And that, so help me,

is all I can recollect, Marshal.

I-I-I walked in

and there was the
room, all tore up,

and the stones in front
of the fireplace pried out.

That's where I had my gold hid.

And then, suddenly, I
was hit from behind, whack!

And it was goodbye, Nellie.

DILLON: You never
saw who hit you.

Not a peep.

I didn't see nothing,

smell nothing, hear nothing.

Miss Kitty!

How are you, Jeb?

Teetotally recovered,
now that you're here.

You come to marry
me on my deathbed?

You don't look any
deader than I do.

Well, if you do say yes,

I know it won't be
because of my money,

'cause I ain't got none.

(men laughing)

I'm sure sorry about that, Jeb.

Jeb, I'll look in on you later.

You take care now.

Well, let Doc take care.

That's his job.

Kitty, could I see
you for just a minute?

- KITTY: Oh.
- Festus,

could I have just
another little spot?

Well, of course you can.

Talking makes a man feel dry.

Like I told you, Jeb,

it won't hurt you none
if you don't swallow it.

(men laughing)

Kitty, what time
did Stretch Morgan

leave the Long
Branch last night?

Oh, it was when the poker
game broke up, I guess.

It was after Jeb left.

You don't think that he had...

No, no, I just
wanted to talk to him

and I haven't been
able to find him.

Well, maybe he left town.

No, I don't think so.

His horse is still over
at the livery stable.

How do you know that?

Well, because I checked.

Oh.

Well, have you, um...

have you talked to Thad?

No, I haven't been
able to find him, either.

What's going on around here?

Well, um, Thad and
Stretch Morgan are cousins,

and apparently, they
were boyhood pals.

Now, there's the possibility

that Thad's trying to avoid you.

JEB: Have a beer, Miss Kitty?

Um, yeah, I... I think I will.

Thank you.

DILLON: Festus.

I want you to do
something for me.

I think maybe you can do
it a little better than I can.

JEB: You know, Miss Kitty,

now that these old eyeballs

have kind of perked up
and taken a new lease on life,

you look even better
than you did before.

Well, thank you.

I think you're beautiful, too.

(men laughing)

FEETER: Beautiful!
That mangy old hound?

Shut your hee-hawing, Feeter.

Nobody contradicts a lady

while old Jeb got
a leg to stand on.

They're just jealous.

Durned if I know why.

A man that's teetotally broke,

busted and disgusted...

chicken yesterday,
feathers today...

You know, I got
to thinking, uh...

I don't think you're
totally wiped out.

I brought you something.

Well, what's this?

KITTY: It's the gold
you paid me last night.

The party was on me.

Well, no, I can't
take this, Miss Kitty.

Now, we're not gonna
talk any more about it.

No, I-I don't...

Forget it.

Besides, it... it might
help you get started again.

And you don't have
to worry about me.

I'll get it back.

All right!

Come on, boys!

Let's all chip in and
help old Jeb, here,

- bury his problems.
- Yeah. -That's right.

- You, Feeter?
- Yeah, me.

Now, it don't matter
how I talk to you.

Deep down, I got a
real fondness for you,

you scroungy old goat, you.

A lot of folks do.

We could take up a
collection around town.

I bet we could raise
a real stake for him.

- Yeah.
- Why, that's right.

Now, you gave us the best
party this town has ever seen,

and it's about time we
all came through for you.

- Why, sure.
- All right, it's all settled.

Now, we'll split up

- Get out!
- And get all the businessmen...

All of you!

It's been pretty near 40 years

since anybody's seen me cry.

And I ain't gonna
break that record.

Now, git.

(Festus singing outside)

It's Festus. It's Festus.

(Festus continues
singing, getting closer)

Howdy, Thad.

Morning, Festus.

How are you this morning?

Oh, fair to middling, I reckon.

How's yourself?

Oh, I'm-I'm just fine.

Real fine.

Say, uh, Thad, you
ain't by any chance

saw Stretch Morgan
this morning, have you?

Stretch?

Yeah, I heared the
two of you's old friends.

How come you're looking for him?

Matthew wants
to talk to him, is all.

Oh.

Well, he was working
for old Jeb Crater.

But I don't suppose you
could have talked to him.

Yeah, I did.

Fact is, I seen him just
a couple minutes ago.

But he ain't saw
Stretch since last night.

A couple of minutes ago?

You mean he's alive?

He ain't dead?

Dead? Well, golly Bill, no.

He got thumped on the
head and robbed this morning,

but he's a long ways
from being dead.

It's just that Stretch
ain't been saw since then.

Stretch wouldn't
do anything like that.

I know he wouldn't.

Yeah, well.

If you should happen to see him,

why, you tell him that Matthew's
looking for him, will you?

See you directly.

(singing upbeat tune)

THAD: Hey, did you hear?

Yeah, I heard.

Old Jeb's alive and doing fine.

You ain't wanted for murder.

The marshal just
wants to talk to you.

Sure he does.

Thinks I knocked that old man
in the head and took his gold.

Still number one
on his list, Thad.

Yeah, but if you went in on
your own and explained it to him...

I got to see him.

Good. I know he'll believe you.

Not the marshal.

I got to talk to
that crazy old liar.

There's something
the matter here.

I don't know what it
is, but I aim to find out.

I'll see you later,
Thad, if I'm lucky.

Confound it, Doc, I
don't need no bandage.

Oh, hush up. I know
you don't need a bandage.

Just... Just got to keep
your brains from falling out.

Yeah, well, don't you
worry about my brains.

- I got brains to spare.
- (chuckles): Yeah.

Well, it wouldn't hurt if
you'd use 'em once in a while.

No, you don't. You just stay
right where you are, there.

You're not going anywhere.

For all I know you may
have a fractured skull.

The man ain't been
born can break my skull.

I've had too much practice
banging it against stone walls.

Well, I always wondered
what in thunder addled you, Jeb.

You stay where you are, I'll
drop in on you this evening.

Meantime, Sholo, you
just keep an eye on him.

Yes, sir.

And if he gives you any
trouble, just hit him over the head.

He says it don't
hurt him at all.

Oh, no, I ain't gonna do
nothin' like that, Mr. Doc.

No, sir.

Well, suit yourself.
You got my permission.

Bring that over here, Sholo.

I just want to feel
the heft of it again.

Mr. Feeter says there's
pretty near $700 here.

(chuckles) Who'd
have figured it?

Sholo, the Almighty
moves in mysterious ways

to perform his pranks
on us struggling mortals.

- I reckon.
- Say, Sholo,

you take that over to the
bank. I ain't taking any chances.

- All right, sir.
- And get my suit out of the clothes press

and take it down to Lin Fong's

and have it brushed
up and pressed.

And have him boil
my shirt and iron it.

Tell him chop, chop, I
want 'em back in an hour.

What are you figurin' on doin'?

I'm figurin' on dragging
these old bones of mine

out of this bed and
standing up by my feet,

if you want to know.

- But the doc says you...
- Oh, Doc in a pig's eye!

Jeb Crater wasn't born to
waste his life laying on his back.

I'm gonna go out there
and greet all my well-wishers

and thank 'em for their
magnanimous gesture,

bless their little hearts.

Now, you get going.

Go on, move.

Jeb, you may be a
blackhearted old sinner,

but darned if you ain't
got the luck of a saint.

(chuckles)

♪♪

What in tarnation
you doing here?

Standing here, looking at you.

I figured you'd rode on out.

Ain't nobody seen you around.

Yeah, I reckon that's
what a lot of people figure,

on account of, if
they had seen me,

I'd be in jail right now

for robbing you and
knocking you in the head.

Son...

I didn't accuse
you of doin' that.

Well, somebody must have,

on account of the
marshal's looking for me.

Well, then...

I'll just tell him I-I
know it wasn't you,

and then that'll
put a stop to it

and-and then...

you can ride on out in peace.

How can you tell him you know?

The way I hear it, you
didn't see who hit you.

True, true.

But I know you, son.

It don't take me
long to size up a man.

And I know you're just as
honest as the day is long.

Well, that's-that's real
nice of you to say so.

Well, it's only fittin'.

Seeing as how it's the truth.

You mean you're sure I
didn't pry up those stones

by your fireplace and steal
the gold that was underneath?

Did the marshal say that?

The marshal said you said it.

(panting)

I got to sit down.

Appears like I ain't rightly
got all my strength back yet.

Well, now, listen here, Jeb.

You and I both know
there wasn't no gold

underneath those stones, right?

My poor head.

It's spinning like a windmill.

Well, it sure started
spinning awful fast.

Seems I-I can't rightly
recollect things so well

since I got hit on the
head and pretty near killed.

Well, maybe you can't but I can.

Doc figures I-I got a
real bad skull fracture.

Jeb, listen, you and I both
know where the gold was hid

because we put
it there ourselves.

It was by the pump.

I ain't even supposed
to try to think.

Not for a week or maybe...

Did you say "was" by the pump?

That's right.

When I came in there and
saw you lying on the floor,

I thought you was dead.

That's enough, son.

Don't you say another word.

(gasping)

I-I am an old sinner, boy,

and I'm full of forgiveness.

I-I know just what
temptation can do to a man.

Now, I ain't one
to stand idly by

and see a young fella's life
ruined by-by one mistake.

So... say no more.

You just... get your horse and
any other of your belongings

and you just ride
on out of here.

Ride as far and
as fast as you can.

You must have really
got hit on the head.

Ride, son. Now.

All right. All right.

It's your funeral.

It's the least I can do.

And all the best of the
luck in the world to you.

Stretch.

Easy.

Marshal, listen, I know
it looks bad for me,

but you got the wrong man.

I didn't do nothing to old Jeb.

I found him that way. I...

Save it. You'll have
plenty of chance to explain.

Get your loot out of there.

Howdy, Marshal.

I found him down
at the Long Branch

with old Milty and Feeter.

What in the dickens
you doing here?

He told me to.

Sit down, Jeb. Sit down.

(quietly): What you
been a-tellin' him?

I ain't been a-tellin'
him nothin', Mr. Jeb.

He didn't ask me nothin'.

He just told me to set
right here in this chair

until Mr. Festus brung you back
or he'd hang me up by my ears.

So I been a-settin'.

Mmm.

Go on and sit down, Stretch.

(sighs) Well...

it looks to me as though I got
three criminals on my hands,

but, as yet, I don't
have any crime.

Marshal, I hope I ain't
understanding you correctly.

You understand
me all right, Jeb.

Festus.

We got your gold
back for you, all right,

and looks like your
friend Stretch here

is the one that
stole it from you.

Oh, I... oh, I can't
believe that, Marshal.

Must be some mistake.

I'd trust this young fellow
with everything I own.

Maybe he was just holding it
for me till I got back on my feet.

I ain't pressin' no charges.

I'll just take my
property and call it quits.

You don't mind that he
hit you over the head?

Well, bygones is bygones.

No hard feelings.

Maybe I-I-I just
slipped and fell.

Hey, you see, Marshal?
I told you I didn't hit him.

- I found him that way.
- Sure, that's it.

Jeb...

Yes?

It ain't no use.

Matthew's done looked
inside of them pokes.

(scoffs)

That's-that's nothing
but iron pyrite.

Fool's gold.

Son...

you never spoke truer words.

And you're lookin' at the fool.

Jeb, the $420 you gave
Kitty to pay for the party,

that was your entire
strike, wasn't it?

Marshal, I just couldn't face
coming back to town again.

After eight months
of hard work with...

hardly nothing to show for it.

I wanted folks to think
I struck it big for once.

You danged sure
done that, all right.

Who was it hit
you over the head?

That goldurned fool there.

And pretty near
killed me doing it.

Mr. Jeb,

when I seen you lying
there, I-I could've bawled.

I just wanted to break my
right arm off and throw it away.

Well... weren't your fault.

You only done
what I told you to.

See, Marshal, I figured if
we... if we made up a robbery,

you know, folks would
still think we struck it rich,

even if we lost it all.

I didn't know that Stretch was
gonna make off with that pyrite.

I didn't know the town was
gonna take up that collection.

It's just that...
nothing went right.

Well, Marshal, I-I reckon
you'd better just throw me in jail.

(scoffs)

Yeah, that's exactly
what I ought to do,

except I can't seem to think up
any charges that make any sense.

I-I'll give all that money back.

Yeah, and that's another thing.

Now, the people around this town
have been real good to you, Jeb.

They've treated you
mighty fair and square,

and when they find out
what's really happened,

they're gonna be mad.

Probably have my hands full
keeping 'em from lynching you.

I think we'd better just
leave that sleeping dog lie.

- Well, what about me?
- Well, that's another thing.

I don't know what to
charge you with either.

You haven't stolen anything
that was worth anything.

Besides, we wouldn't want a
nice young fella like old Thad

to know that his
own blood cousin

was a sticky-fingered thief.

Well, Marshal,

what are you gonna do?

(sighs) All right, I'll
tell you what I'll do, Jeb.

If you promise to get
out of town right now,

without letting anybody
else know about this,

I'll let you go.

All of you.

Thank you, Marshal.

Jeb, you got yourself
a good grubstake.

Now, why don't you go on
out and find some real gold?

By golly, I'll do it.

You know that ridge just
over the second valley?

I got me a hunch about that.

Jeb, uh, you want to
take on your old bodyguard

as a new partner?

Why not?

If you don't already know how
to swing a pick, you can learn.

I don't trust him, Mr. Jeb.

Now, Sholo,

at my age, I don't
even trust me.

He's got a strong back and a
weak mind and evil instincts.

A man like that
can't be all bad.

(laughs)

Come on, before the
marshal changes his mind.

I'll bring you a nugget
as big as your fist,

you and Festus both.

Matthew, you
reckon you done right,

lettin' the three
of 'em go like that?

I don't know, Festus.

I'll tell you one thing.

I wouldn't go into any
courtroom in the world

and try and straighten
out that story.

Here...

have yourself a fortune.