Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 10, Episode 23 - Eliab's Aim - full transcript

The goofy nephew of Festus, Eliab Haggen, comes to Dodge with the hope of shooting off a tiny piece of his ear, because Festus bit off a piece of his dad's ear years ago in a fight.

(theme music playing)

(both guns fire)

ANNOUNCER: starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

(birds singing)

(hoofbeats approaching)

MAN: Howdy.

QUINT: Howdy.

Catch anything yet?

No, not yet.

I seen by the look on your
face you was just lazin' it,

or I wouldn't have
come thrashing up on you

the way I done.


Why don't you, uh...

sit down and, uh, rest a spell?

Thank you kindly.
Don't mind if I do.

My name's Eliab
Haggen, what's your'n?

I know a Haggen in Dodge.

Name of Festus?


I'll bet he's kin of yours.

Uncle Festus, brother to
my daddy, Zetham Haggen.

I knowed I was gettin'
close to finding him.

That's how come
I got my foot bent.

Well, uh, how would getting
close to your Uncle Festus

get your foot bent?

It was the grouse
hen that done it.

Grouse hen?

Uncle Festus is
partial to grouse hen

cooked Haggen-style.

I knowed I was close,

but didn't know if I
was close enough.

Close enough for what?

Close enough to keep
a killed grouse hen

from going bad
in this hot weather.

So I had to run her down.

- You mean on foot?
- Yeah.

She run straight for a spell,

but when she got tuckered
out, she took to trickin'.

And just when I reached
for her, she done a dido,

and that's when I
got my foot bent.

Did you catch her?

All but some feathers.


you must be right
fond of your uncle

to chase a grouse hen like
this all across the prairie.

The good King David couldn't
have been a better uncle.

Well, he give me my very
first shootin' iron, Festus did.

How's his health?

Oh, fine.

If there's one thing
your Uncle Festus

has got a lot of, it's health.

Haggens generally
run to good health.

Why, far as I know, there's
only been one sickly Haggen.


Half Cousin Ace.

Oh, well, just a half cousin.

Yeah, and poor
old half cousin Ace

has been sickly
for nearly 70 years.

Has Uncle Festus
still got his right ear on?

Have some.

Uh, no, thank you.

What'd you say about his ear?

Has he still got it on?

Well, as far as I know.

Is there supposed to be
something the matter with it?

Oh, I do hope not.

Well, don't you think that's
kind of a funny thing to ask?

Well, I expect it is.

It's just that...

well, I come all this
way to shoot it off.

Shoot it off?

Well, that ain't the
whole truth of it.

Well, I didn't think so.

Truth of it is,

I'm just gonna knock off
this little hangy-down part.

- Why?
- Why?

I mean, why are you gonna

shoot off the little
hangy-down part?

'Cause I was
gonna do it all along.

I know, but why?

Well, how'd you
like to go through life

seeing your daddy
hoorahed all the time

'cause he didn't have no little
hangy-down part on his ear?

Oh, you mean your Uncle
Festus did the same...

Bit it slap off in
a fight over a gal.

And she turned out
to be your mother.

No, she married Uncle Obadiah.


Well, this is, uh, one
reunion I don't want to miss.

I'll tell you what, uh... here.

Why don't we, uh,
ride into Dodge together

and I'll have, uh, Doc Adams

take a look at your bent foot.

All right.

Wait a minute, I'll help you up.

If I'd bent the other foot,

or if old Dink'd allow
mounting on his off side,

I'd be better off, wouldn't I?

There you go.

(Eliab grunts)

Thank you.

How come you left the
heads on these pelts?

Well, back where I come from,

there's folks that hunts with
traps and them that don't.

And them that don't
leaves the heads on.

Yeah, I... see what you mean.

Traps is uncertain
and cruel and...

I don't like for
varmints to suffer.

ELIAB: ♪ You can't
lodge in Dodge ♪

♪ 'Cause the howling
wind'll blow you free ♪

♪ In the air you'll
be just like a flea ♪

♪ Hoppin' alone on
the wide prairie. ♪

- I just made that up.
- QUINT: Hmm.

ELIAB: Uncle Festus is
real fond of made-up songs.

QUINT: Well, he ought to
be real fond of that one, then.

ELIAB: ♪ Just ridin' along
on the hot white sand... ♪

You never did tell me your name.

QUINT: Uh, Quint.

ELIAB: ♪ Just ridin'
along, me and Quint ♪

♪ Hot white sand and
we never seen a fence ♪

♪ A-ridin' along,
free and restless ♪

♪ Can't wait to see
my Uncle Festus ♪

(singing nonsense syllables)

Well, now, I'll just call that.

(coins clinking)

Three little deuces.

Three ones.

What do you have to
do to win around here?

Golly Bill, them's
the purtiest boots

I've ever laid eyeballs on.

I told you before
about these boots.

Ain't another pair like
this in the whole territory.

How much did they cost?

Eighty-five dollars.

And that's real silver.

I got pert near $300 here.

You'd put up $300
for a pair of boots?

That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

All right, cowboy.

You asked for it.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

You're shy in the
pot, Mr. Gambler.

Whoo, whoo, whoop, now.

How about a friendly little cut?

Come on, let's get this
private hand over with, huh?

So we can get on with the game.

Cut 'em deep,
sleep, in the street

with bare feet.

Now go ahead on.


How long's Festus
been in that game?

Oh, ever since he got a
look at those fancy boots

that new dealer's been wearing.

Here, put this
behind the bar for me.

Uh, Miss Kitty...

is there something wrong
with Festus being in the game?

Well, that depends on how long

he wants to stay out
of Pearl Winton's sight.

She's waitin' outside for him.

Can you beat three queens?

No, I can't.

But this here batch
of puppy tracks can.

I knowed you was
readin' me wrong

when you called me "cowboy."


♪ Oh, I had a little hen ♪

♪ And she had a little egg... ♪

Now, just where do
you think you're going?

Well, I was fixin' to
go out them doors.



Well, you're not
quittin' winners.

Now, if you're a-fixin'
to write up new rules,

it can't be did by mouth.

Deal 'em.

♪ She laid three eggs
in the mulberry bush ♪

- ♪ She's the best dang hen... ♪
- Deal 'em!

Well, looks like
you had a good day.

So far.

Have you ever saw anything

as purty as them in
all your born days?

Why don't you put 'em on?

Oh, I can't put 'em
on with these old duds.

I was fixin' to go home
and get all duded up

and come back directly.

Say, Sam, could you
wrap them up for me?

- Sure.
- Much obliged.

How much did you
put up for those boots?

$300, but it wasn't
none of it mine.

You know something
else, Miss Kitty,

if you're fixin' on making
a profit in this saloon...

I'd sure think once or twice

whether I wanted to keep
that new dealer or not.

Thank you very much.

There you are.

Much obliged, Sam.

See y'all directly.

♪ Best dang hen... ♪

Hi, Festus, honey.

Why didn't you tell me
she was out yonder?

What's so wrong with
the Widow Winton?

Well, for one thing,

she's tall enough to
hunt geese with a rake.

She could, for a fact,

just haul you right
off to the preacher.

I wonder why she
hasn't done that.

As soon as she finds him a job,

that's just what she will do.


It's just a matter of time.

It's a matter of a
whole bunch of time,

I'll tell you that.

(humming quietly)

Hi there, Festus, honey.

What you got under your arm?

Golly Bill, you're
gonna have to quit

following me around,

- Pearl Winton.
- Why?

Well, because it just
ain't decent, that's why.

Well, I was only
asking you to dinner.

I'm cooking up some ham hocks

and mustard greens.


Who else you inviting?

A preacher maybe?

Oh, goodness, no, Festus, honey.

I ain't found you
suitable work as yet.

I don't want no work,

suitable kind nor
any other kind.

That's 'cause you ain't et
none of my ham hocks as yet.

You leave go of me.

I was thinking
that we just might

- take a wee walk...
- Well, you can just

- start thinking again.
- And we might just

- go down by the...
- I ain't going.

'cause I heard tell there's
a job of work down there...

(both speaking indistinctly)


Get over, Red.

Go on, I'll, uh...

give you a hand up to Doc's.

ELIAB: I ain't going
up them stairs.

Oh, you ain't, huh?


Well, don't you want Doc to
take a look at your bent foot?

Well, who'd watch my pelts?

I don't know, Eliab.

Well, you just have
to tell that doctor

to come down here.

Well, I don't think you
understand about this doc.

Well, it seems a
heap easier to me

to get that doctor down here

than to get old Dink up there.

All right.


(knocking at door)

Come in.

Oh, hi, Quint.

Hello, Doc.

Well, you... just
gonna stand there

and let the flies out?

Come in.

I got a patient for you.


Well, he's not
exactly a patient,

he's a... he's a Haggen.

- He's a Haggen, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, where is
he? In your pocket?

No, he's, uh... down at
the bottom of the stairs.

He, uh... doesn't
want to leave his mule.

I mean his hides.

Well, he... doesn't
want to leave his hides?


You sure you feel all right?

Oh, I feel fine.

Do you mean to tell me
that you and Festus think

that I'm gonna come
down at the foot of the stairs

and practice medicine
in the middle of the street

like some Gypsy tin-bender?

I don't, Doc.

He does.

Who does?

That Haggen down at
the bottom of the stairs.

Only that Haggen is not Festus.

Oh, it's not Festus?


This Haggen is,
uh... Eliab Haggen,

who's the son of Zetham Haggen,

who's the brother
of Festus Haggen,

and then they also
have another brother

by the name of Obadiah.

Not to mention a half cousin

who's over 70
and kind of sickly.

And he's come here
to shoot Festus' ear off.

Who did?

Eliab has.

What, to shoot Festus' ear off?

Just the little hangy-down part.

Well, I haven't the faintest
idea what's wrong with him,

but it's contagious,
whatever it is,

'cause you've got it.

What he's got,
Doc, is a bent foot.

Would you mind giving
me that diagnosis again?

Bent foot.

His foot is... bent?


See, he was chasing
this grouse hen,

and everything was
going along just fine.

Then it took to trickin'.

Just... never mind.

I think you ought to go
take a look at him, Doc.

You can't be serious
about me coming down...

I am serious, Doc,
and I think he is, too.

Yeah, about a bent foot.

No, about shooting
Festus' ear off.

The "little hangy-down part."

Doc, he's a Haggen.

Now, what would you
do if Festus told you

he was gonna shoot your ear off?

Then I think I'd believe him.

Well, that's what I mean.

I think you ought to
go take a look at him

and I'm gonna go tell Matt
what's going on around here.

Well, if you weren't so
doggone busy fishing,

you'd know Matt's out of town.

He's what?

He's out of town.

What the devil's he
doing out of town?

Well, he had to go
identify a body in Abilene.

He kind of figured on you
taking charge while he was gone.


Yes, you.

Of course, I realize that'll
interfere with your fishing!

Well, he must've gone over
to Moss Grimmick's stable.

Come on, Doc.

(singing quietly)

Howdy, Quint!

Hello, Eliab.

This is Doc Adams.

Uh, Doc, this
is... this is Eliab.

Howdy, Doc Adams.

Hi, Eliab. Bent your foot, huh?

Well, sit down there and
let me have a look at it.

It's just a tweak.

Better let me have that
bird, there, uh, Eliab.

All right.

Does that hurt?

Yes, sir.

Be careful and don't bruise her.

Well, here you are, Hank.

Careful; it's real precious.

I'll put her in the feed bin.

All right. Better give
her a little water, too.

I'm gonna go see how our
friend with all the troubles is doing.

- Yeah, do that.
- If you see Uncle Festus,

tell him I'm stayin'
the night here

and come by and see me.

Yeah, I'll give him
that message, Eliab.


♪ Oh, left my girl
on the mountain ♪

♪ Left her standing
in the rain ♪

Oh! Hold your foot still, there.

♪ I went down to the depot ♪

♪ Caught myself
a midnight train ♪

Uncle Festus is real
fond of made-up songs.


Well, I think he's, uh,

kind of fond of his ears, too.

Well, so was my daddy.


All right, Eliab.

That's about all
I can do for this.

So I want you to stay
off of it till tomorrow.

Then I'll come by
and have a look at it.

Well, thank you
kindly, Doc Adams.

I'll pay you soon
as I get my money

- for these here pelts.
- Oh, never...

Say... Say, fine-looking furs.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Right between the eyes.

I always do that.

Seem like they
suffer less that way.

How far were you
away from that animal

when you shot him?

Oh, that'un?

He was up real close.

Near as I recollect,
I figured him for...

no more than 175 yards.

But now, you take
this martin here.

He's half again
as far and moving.

♪ Well, I left my girl
on the mountain ♪

♪ Left her standing
in the snow ♪

♪ I'll see you, Doc Adams ♪

♪ I know you got to go ♪

(singing nonsense syllables)

Well, not any
more it isn't, Kitty.

- Listen, I met a fella today...
- (doors open)

- FESTUS: Quint!
- (spurs jangling)

When'd you get back in town?

I was just this minute
thinking about you.

- I'll be you were.
- You old scudder,

you're a sight for sore eyes.

Speaking of sore eyes...

you got yourself
all slickered up.

You going out on a last fling?

Miss Kitty, for a lady
as purty as you are,

you sure got a powerful
mean streak in you.

Now, oh lasting friend,

I want to ask you something.

All right.

You still got your
forge, ain't you?

Yeah, I still got it.

And when the work's a-coming in,

why, you make a
right good living and...

Mm-hmm. You asking
me for a job, Festus?

Smart aleck. Of course not.

Well, what are you getting at?

Well, I-I just been a-thinking.

Now, a hard-working young buck,

- a feller like you...
- Mmm...

ought to have somebody
to kind of make sure

that he gets the proper vittles

BOTH: And makes the bed.

- Does the chore...
- So you figure you'd shove

the Widow Winton
off on me, didn't you,

oh everlasting friend?

You went and tattled on me

and told him everything.

Well, I thought you
wanted to ask him

to be best man at the wedding.

- Oh, don't say that.
- (Quint snorts)

That just pains my
ears something awful.

Speaking of, uh,
ears... I met a, uh...

relative of yours today, Festus.

A Haggen?

Oh, I'm sure this was a Haggen.

- Eliab Haggen.
- (Festus gasps)

Has he got his
long rifle, has he?

- Mm-hmm.
- What's this all about?

He-He's here in town
and he's got his rifle

- and everything?
- He's here in town

and he's got the longest
rifle I've ever saw in my life.

What's this all about?

Well, you see, this fella

come all the way to
Dodge to see Festus.

Now, that ain't why he came

and you know that.

Actually, it's kind
of a reunion, Kitty.

You are the coldheartedest
dang Comanche

I've ever saw.

Well, you see, he's, uh...

he's gonna shoot
Festus' ear off.

Well, that ain't the
whole truth, neither.

All he wants to get is this...

little hangy-down part.


Well, it's a family affair.

It ain't nothing that you'd
ought to fret about, or...

I-Is he... is he serious?

Yeah. I don't know
if he's serious or not,

but I'll tell you one thing,

that Eliab fella is about
the most serious guy

I've ever met in my life.

(hen squawking)

Why didn't you tell
me he was in the barn?!





(imitates grouse hen)


Aw, Uncle Festus!

You ain't playing fair.

You keep covering up your ear,

I'm gonna have to
shoot your fingers off, too.

Dagnabbit, I see
you, Uncle Festus,

hiding behind that tree!

Runs like a hound
dog with a sore leg.

Oh, Uncle Festus,

why don't you just
hold still for a minute?

It'll only hurt
for a little bit!

If I didn't have a bent foot...

(continues indistinctly)

(indistinct conversations)

DOC: What in thunder's
the matter with you, Festus?

- Well, I'm gonna...
- Oh, come here. Come here!

- But I can't, Doc.
- Come on down here.

(Doc and Festus mutter)

Don't tell me he's
still chasing you.

Well, has a mule got a tail?

Of course he is!

Oh, this is the silliest
thing I ever heard of.

Why don't you just settle
down and have a drink?

Because I ain't got time.

I've been a-running
all over them dang hills

trying to get rid of him.

I'm just plumb wore out.

Did you see him?

See him?

Every time I'd look around,

he'd be poking that
dang squirrel rifle

out from behind a rock,

or a tree, or a log, or...

Well, you got a gun.

Why don't you face up to him?

Because I ain't fixing
to get close enough

to face up to him.

Liable to hurt him if I did.

Well, I ain't got
time to stand around.

I've never seen
such rotten luck.

Come on.

Deal the cards.

Be a nice man, huh?

Sign the paper

and I'll let you have a
free ride on the next deal.

Deal 'em.

Well, I see you got
Eliab's, uh, bent foot

straightened out finally.

I didn't do a dang
thing for Eliab's foot.


Hi, Doc Adams.

I thought I told you
to stay off of that foot.

Uncle Festus wouldn't
let me. Howdy, Quint.


How about a drink?

Thank you kindly, no.

I just had one
down to the creek.

What'd you do with the
bandage I put on there?

Oh, I wore it clean off

chasing Uncle
Festus over them hills.

That Haggen is
slicker than possum fat.

Kitty... I want you
to meet somebody.

This here is, uh, Eliab Haggen.

Miss Kitty.

How do you do, Eliab?

My, what a pretty lady.

Pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Well, thank you very much.

I've been very
anxious to meet you.

You're, um, not at
all what I had pictured.

Uh, tell me something, Eliab.

Uh... don't you
think a man's ear

is a little close to his head

to go around shooting at it?

Well, a miss is a
miss and a hit is a hit

and there ain't nothing
but air in-between.

Well, why don't you
just bite it off, like he did?

Well, I tried that, Doc Adams,

but he whupped
me something awful.

Well, what happens if
you miss on the inside

instead of on the outside?

Oh, I wouldn't never
draw down on him

lest I was sure I could
just get this little...

You dirty, rotten,
sniveling slick-fingers!

You're not getting my deed.

You stepped on my foot.

What about it?

You forgot to say,
"Beg my pardon."

Why, you barefooted
little pile of mountain trash,

I'll make you a greasy spot.

Graveyards is full of folks

that said less to Haggens.


All right, Jake, you've
had enough to drink.

Want you to go on
home and sleep it off

and take this with you.

Much obliged to you, Quint,

but I could've handled him.

Well, I'm sure you could, Eliab,

but, uh, I'm afraid your way
might be a little too permanent.

He's still over in the
Long Branch, is he?

Is who over there?


Yeah, he's still over there.

I swear I don't know
what in the tarnation

I'm gonna do with
that little old scudder.

Well, you know, I've
been thinking about that.

If you'd swear out a
complaint or something,

we could take that
rifle away from him.

Well, I can't do that.

Well, why can't you?

Because it wouldn't
be Haggen-like.

- (sighs)
- Be cheating.

Anyhow, Zetham
raised that young'un

so he's got a one-track head.

Afternoon, Quint.

Afternoon, Mrs. Winton.

Afternoon, Festus.


Pearl Winton, you
stay right where you are.

Festus, you are plumb beautiful!

Oh, beautiful.

Why, in them boots,

you're enough to turn
any woman's head.

I declare, I never
saw anything like that

in my whole born days!

Can I touch 'em?

Won't hurt none, I reckon.

PEARL: Oh... they is something.

Oh, Festus, I want
for you to wear 'em

when we stand up together.

Stand up? I...

And I want you to come to
my house for supper tonight,

but in them boots!


you certainly have
a way with women.

DOC: You know, this is an
awful lot of fun, I'll admit that,

but by golly, Quint,
it could get serious.

Yeah, I know that, Doc.

Well, I don't know,
maybe somebody

ought to do something about it.

Well... (sighs)

I thought about
knocking Eliab out

and tying him up.

Well, why don't you?

(Quint laughs)

I couldn't do that.


No, you get to know him better

and you'll see what I mean.

You know, I've...

I've grown real fond of
that strange little fella.


A real unusually
good shot, Quint;

right between the eyes.

Might've been a
coincidence, Doc.

I sure wish Matt
was back in town.

(man whistling jaunty air)

(mouth full): All right,
just take it all, Dink.

That's it.


Over here.

Well, evening to you, Quint.

Evening, Eliab.

What brings you
out this time of night?

Well, I'm afraid it's business.

Oh? What kind of business?

Well, it seems that
I'm the acting marshal

now that Matt
Dillon's out of town.

Acting marshal!

Well, I sure am proud of you.

But I don't see what
that's got to do with me.

Eliab, I'm gonna have to
take that rifle away from you.

You sure are gonna
have to take it from me.


I just took Jake Craig's
body up to Doc's office.


QUINT: Yeah.

Found it in the alley.

He was dead; he had a bullet
hole right between the eyes.

Was he that big feller
over at the saloon?

QUINT: Yeah.

You think I done it?

Doesn't matter
what I think, Eliab.

A lot of people saw
you threaten him.

Well, I wasn't
threatening him, Quint.

I was just telling him what
I thought he ought to know.


Don't lay it down on nothing.

I won't.

Try not to worry, Eliab.

You'll get a fair trial.

Oh, flitter, I ain't worried.

But, uh...

look after my
mule Dink, will you?

He gets kind of
lonesome without me.

♪ Quint's locked me up ♪

♪ Throwed away the key ♪

♪ But I sure hope ♪

♪ He still likes me. ♪

(Eliab whistling)


(both laughing hysterically)

I never seen nothing like
them boots in all my born days!

That's 'cause there ain't
no other boots like these.

Oh... morning, Quint.

Howdy, Quint.

What are you doing here?

Well, he's been sittin'
up with me all night,

keeping me company.

Oh, well, that explains why

the Widow Winton
couldn't find you last night.

The Widow Winton?

Yeah, it seems
she's, uh, real upset.

She's been looking
all over Dodge for you.

- Why?
- Well, she had

supper for you
last night, Festus,

and you didn't show up.

Dang it, Comanche,

you're the law around
here till Matthew gets back.

Ain't there nothing
you can do about that?

Nothing I can do
about that, Festus.

I can't arrest a woman
for being in love.


Coffee ready?

Yeah, the coffee's ready.

Uncle Festus...

are you fixin' to get married?

No, I ain't fixin'
to get married.

And I'd appreciate it

if you wouldn't
bring it up no more.

Well... what you
want to talk about?

Tell me again
about how we're fixin'

to cook up that grouse hen.

Uncle Festus, I done
told you 50 times.

I know you did,

but I ain't had me no grouse hen

since I left home... Cooked
Haggen-style, that is.

Go on.

Well, she's young
and she's plump.

And she's right over at
the stable in the feed bin.

And I got me a
poke with some taters

and some onions and
some sage for stuffing.

And there's some
red clay in that bank

that takes you over to
roll her up in for baking.

And then I got me some of these

little, teeny chestnuts...

Quit! Quit, I just
can't stand it no more.

You know something?

I'd get you out of here...

if for no other reason,

I'd get you out to
cook that grouse hen.

Well, I'd have to
shoot your ear off first.

MAN: Marshal!

Out of town, Abel,
what's on your mind?

It's Doc Adams wants
him. He said to hurry.

He hollered at me
from the top of the stairs.

All right.

Hello, Quint.

Hello, Doc.

What's the matter?

Matt's not back yet, huh?

No, why?

Want to show you something.

Looks to me like it
came from a derringer.

Well, it's not from any
cap-and-ball weapon,

I'll tell you that.

Or any Haggen-type weapon.


Another thing: there were
powder burns right near the wound.

Let me ask you something, Doc.

You remember when I threw
him out of the saloon yesterday?


Well, he had a paper on him,

a-a land deed or something

he was using as a
bet in a poker game.

Did he have it on him?

No, didn't find a thing.


Mind if I keep this
and show it to Matt?

No, of course not.

Thanks, Doc.

Well, Quint, Doc.

Finally got back, huh?

You look terrible.

Yeah, well, thanks.

I've been in the
saddle for 36 hours.

Who is this you
got locked up in jail?

You didn't see him, huh?

Why, no, Abel told me about it.


Well, you'd better
sit down, Matt.

Well, if I sit down, I
may not get up again.

Go on, tell him, Quint.

Let him have it.

Well, that fella
over there in the jail

is, uh, Eliab Haggen,

who's a nephew of Festus Haggen,

and they're real
fond of each other,

only Eliab's here to
shoot Festus' ear off.

Not the whole ear, though.

That little hangy-down part.

Hello, Kitty.

Well, welcome home, stranger.

You look like you
haven't slept for a week.

Ah, Kitty, you're not far wrong.

Did you have trouble?

Well, I had some,

but according to what
Quint's been telling me,

it's not as much as you've had.

I've seen quieter days.

How about some coffee?

No. No, thanks.

Uh, where's this new dealer?

I fired him last night.

He's in the office;
Sam's paying him off.

Wait a minute, I
want to talk to you.

I'm in a hurry, Marshal.
I'll miss my stage.

I'm afraid you're gonna
miss a lot more than that.

See that?

That's a derringer slug.

I... don't understand.

Then I'll make it
real clear to you.

You're under arrest for
the murder of Jake Craig.

He was a chiseler, Marshal.

A cheap, tinhorn chiseler.

What's that?

That's the land deed I
was telling you about.

Let's go.

What's going on here?

We're gonna let
Eliab out of jail.

- Eliab?
- Yep.

By golly, I'm going
along with you.

I want to see the
look on Festus' face

when he finds out about that.

What are you gonna do,
give Festus a head start, Matt?

No, I'm gonna leave
that up to Quint, here.

What do you mean?

'Cause if I don't get
a bath and a shave

and some sleep pretty quick,

I'm gonna be mean enough
to shoot his ear off myself.

Quint, lock him up

and do whatever
else you want to.

Just don't disturb me.

Well, Doc, it looks
like I'm in charge.

Hey, this might
be all right, Deputy.

Let's go.

Howdy, Doc.


Stand over there.

What are you doing
here, gambling man?

Matt just arrested him for
the murder of Jake Craig.

I knowed it wasn't
Eliab done it.

Matthew fixin' to turn
Eliab loose, is he?

Well, don't ask me about it.

You'll have to see
Quint about that.

He's in charge.

Well, you ain't fixin' to
leave him go, are you, Quint?

Well, I don't have
any choice, Festus.

Well, I gotta talk to Matthew.

- (mutters) -No, no,
you can't do that either.

Matt's trying to get some rest.

He'd be madder than thunder.

Don't disturb him.

But you all don't understand.

You gotta help me.

Now, this is serious.

That little scudder
means business.

I can't help that, Festus.

Come on, you.

- Quint...
- DOC: Hold it,

hold it just a minute now.

I think I got an idea.

Festus, come here.

Take off those spurs.


Take off your spurs!

You want me to help you?

You don't have to be so
danged ornery about it.

(whistling bird calls)

(birds whistles back)

(door opens)

QUINT: Get in there.

Well... howdy, Eliab.

Howdy, Doc Adams.

Howdy, Quint.

Hello, Eliab.

We thought maybe you
was a little lonesome,

we'd come in here and visit you.

No, I was just talking
to a mockingbird.

What'd he say?

There ain't nothing
wrong with that.

Mockingbirds sing, and
it's dang near as purty

as these boots are.

Yeah, except a
mockingbird's for listening to

and them boots
is for looking at.

Or for wearing, too.

A man cuts a fine figure
in a pair of boots like that.

Could indeed.

Uh, how come you got
them boots on today, Festus?


Well, I ain't
never took 'em off,

even when I'm sleeping,

for fear that
somebody'll steal them.

Back where me
and Festus is from,

a man with a pair of boots
like that'd be king of the roost.

Get hisself any gal
he wanted, I reckon.

Say, Eliab, I'll bet back
where you came from,

you've got a girl that'd...

that'd just love to see
you in those boots.

Now, haven't you
got a girl like that?

Well, I have, for a
fact, Doc Adams.

She favors Zeke Musgrove
much as she does me.

Of course, if I had a
pair of boots like that...

No, no. Just ain't
possible, Eliab.

Ain't no other boots like
this in the whole world.

One of a kind.

I believe you, Uncle
Festus, I purely do.

Of course, seeing as how
you're my favorite nephew

and... seeing as how you got
your heart set on these boots,

might be we could just
strike ourself a trade.

I'll swap you anything
I own for them boots.

Well, now, uh, what about
your claim on Festus' ear, huh?

Well, now, you're talking
about a duty of honor.

No, he ain't.

He's talking about these
here boots and my ear.

I'll swap you straight
across, even Steven,

the boots for the
ear... Just say "done."

Oh, I can't.

I just can't.

Well, now wait now.

Well, what about an
armistice for, say, five years?

What's that?

Well, it's, uh...
a kind of a truce.

Well, it's like "King's X."

Would you by any chance be
wearing socks under them boots?

Well, of course I am.

You can't wear boots like
these without any socks.

Besides, Quint's gonna
throw in a little something extry

into the bargain.
Ain't you, Quint?

(clears throat softly)

Yeah, Eliab, if, uh, if you'll
go ahead with this trade,

we'll let you out
of this cell for good.

I'll give you one whole month.

Four years... just say "done."

Six months, but I'm
a fool for thinking it.

Two years... and you
just stole these fine boots.

Throw in the socks, and I'll
give you a year's King's X,

and not a day longer.

- Done!
- Yee-haw-haw-haw!

(Eliab whooping, laughing)

Help me take them off.


What's that feller in jail
over there for, Uncle Festus?

For doing the killin' that you
was supposed to have did.

Did you know that all the time

we was sitting here
dickering for these boots?

Well, I had...

Well... I ought to
have knowed better

than to be swappin'
with a Haggen.

(Eliab laughs)

Here's the socks.

Festus Haggen!
Where have you been?

I've been looking
all over town for you.

What happened to your boots?

I ain't got them no more, Pearl.

But I never saw such a
change in a man in my life.

Festus, you lost all your fire.

What did you do with them?

I swapped 'em off.

Swapped 'em?! To who?

Uh, to my nephew, Eliab here.

Land's sakes!

(chuckles): Them boots, they
sure do do something for a man.

And this here Haggen's
a workin' fool, Pearl.

Why don't you just
introduce me, Festus?

Of course. I'd be plumb proud.

This here is Eliab Haggen.

He ain't married or spoke for,

he's just a plumb fool about
mustard greens and ham hocks,

and he's got hisself a
built-in sense of responsibility.

Eliab, this here is
the Widow Winton.

Well, Eliab... I'm
mighty pleased to meet

a responsible Haggen.

Uh, if y'all excuse me, I just
remembered something I forgot.

What's the matter?

That's the dirtiest trick
I've ever seen in my life.

That was just
terrible... You pawning

your own flesh and
blood, your own nephew off

on the Widow Winton!

But there's something
you don't know.

Now, he ain't only the best
shot in the Haggen clan,

but he's the
fastest runner, too.


I know I owe you fellers a
whole heap for what you did...


How would you like you
a taste of grouse hen?

What do you think
about that, Quint?

- Not me, Doc.
- Nope.

Uh, but this here is gonna
be cooked Haggen-style,

in the poke, with taters
and onions and sage,

and all wrapped up in...

What do you think
about that, Doc?

- Not me.
- Nope.

Well, what if we was to
go down to the Long Branch

and I was to buy you a drink?

Well, now, that's
a little more like it.

But what are you
gonna use for money?

Aw, fiddle! I got money.


ELIAB: Bye, Uncle Festus!

See you next year!

♪ And I'll come back
and shoot off your ear! ♪