Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 10, Episode 17 - Deputy Festus - full transcript

On their way out of town, some cousins of Festus come across a badly injured man whom they assume is dead, so they flee, pursued by Festus, who believes his cousins attacked the man.

(theme music playing)

(both guns fire)

ANNOUNCER: starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

(raucous laughter)

MAN: That's a good one!

(laughter continues)

There ain't nobody
been able to do that!

Except maybe Pa.

Well, you're gonna see
somebody do it right now,

as soon as I get a
little practice here.

Hey, barkeep, give
us another bottle.



- SAM: You've already got one.
- But this'un ain't no good.

We need a full one.

- (coins clatter)
- I tell you, Claudius,

it just can't be did!

Well, you're gonna see
somebody do it right now!

Just step back
there a little bit...

You smell like the
bottom of an owl's foot.

(inhales, exhales)

(Claudius inhales, exhales)

- Morning, Dave.
- Morning, Miss Kitty.

- (Claudius exhales)
- Sam, give me a drink.

SAM: Coming up.

What happened?
Moss Grimmick fire you?

No, ma'am. Well, I just cleaned
out those stables so good,



- he gave me a half hour off.
- (laughs)

- Will you join me?
- Ah, it's a little early for me.

- Uh.
- I'll tell you what I will do...

- Join you at the table.
- Okay.

(Claudius exhales)

(inhales)

(exhales)

(inhales)

Well... (exhales sharply)

here goes.

DAVE: If I had, uh, known
it was gonna be formal,

I'd have worn my tie.

Oh, this is a
carriage trade saloon.

Well, you're a-fixing
to do it, Claudius.

I can't believe it.

I'm not sure I do, either.

MAN: Incredible!

You done it! You done it!

(gasping breath)

Well, that makes you
the big rooster, Claudius!

You got the whole...
roost to yourself!

King of the roost!

(crowing)

(laughing)

(man imitating chicken clucking)

- (Claudius crowing)
- Flap 'em, Claudius!

- (man continues clucking)
- (laughing)

CLAUDIUS: Sit down there!

Go on, flap 'em, Claudius!

- (Claudius crowing)
- (clucking)

(laughs) The whole dang bottle

without nary a breath.

Now, tell the truth, ma'am,

you ever seen the
likes of that afore?

- (Kitty groans)
- (Claudius crowing)

It's incredible.

(crowing)

I think you'd better do
the rest of your crowing

out in the street.

You got cause to
lay hand on me, boy?

A man with your kind of
manners, uh, needs a hand on him.

Got me a tussle, fellas.

Clear us a place.

You and me
tussle; anything fair.

Well... you got kind
of lucky on that'un.

Go get Matt, Sam.

(sighs)

Well, you knocked
him plumb out, Emery.

Well, now, we don't want him
to miss the fight, now, do we?

(grunting)

There's trouble at the
Long Branch, Marshal.

- Is anybody dead, Sam?
- Not yet.

Well, I'll, I'll be
upstairs if you need me.

Well, now you've done it.

You made me mad!

Go, get yourself a
club, boy, you got a right.

Sure. The only thing we
don't allow is eye gouging.

Out of the way.

DILLON: Hold it.

All right, drop it.

- You all right, Dave?
- Aw, no harm done,

except the place
got a little untidy.

Matt, if you don't mind, I'll
be getting back to the stable.

- All right.
- Way they've been drinking, Marshal,

you'd better not light
a match around them.

Is that a real
badge you wearing?

Yeah, that's a
real badge, Emery.

Well, just didn't want
any of them city fellers

trying to pull a slick'un on us.

Did you bring those green skins
in here, smelling up this place?

Oh, th-them skins ain't
green; they been cured good.

They don't smell none.

Well, I'll tell you one thing,
you're not getting 'em back

till you've figured out a way to
pay the damages on this place.

In the meantime
you're going to jail.

Jail, Marshal?

We wasn't figuring
on no jail tonight.

Well, that's the charge
for drunk and disorderly

in this town, mister.

Well, we was kind of
maybe thinking about a bath

and a... and a real bed.

Yeah. You couldn't even
guess how long it's been

since we've had a bath, Marshal.

I couldn't, huh?

Sam, take 'em over
and lock 'em up, will you?

- I'll be along in a minute.
- Yes, sir.

Come on.

Kitty, I'm sure
sorry about all this,

but don't worry, 'cause
I'll see nobody takes

those skins out of here till
they pay for the damages.

- Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that.
- Yeah.

♪♪

Howdy, Dave.

- Festus. Glen.
- Hi.

Matt was looking for
you a while ago, Festus.

Oh, well, I'm fixin' to go
right by his office now.

See you directly, Dave.

(steam hisses)

- Howdy, Matthew.
- Festus.

Dave was saying you're
a-faunching to see me.

Yeah. You got any
plans for tonight?

Well, I always
got plans, I reckon.

Well, I got three trappers
locked up in jail back there.

Now, they're gonna have
to be fed later on tonight,

and I was kind of hoping
you could stick around

and let 'em loose
in the morning.

Well, like I was
saying, I have got plans.

I... I'd like to be
obligin' and everything...

Festus, you don't have any
plans outside of standing around

on the corner jawing
to somebody, do you?

Oh, golly Bill, Matthew,

you know I ain't nobody
to take charge of no jail.

Festus, you got to do
this for me as a favor.

Now, I've got to head
to Hays City right away,

and I don't have time
to look for anybody else.

Well, if you're
gonna put it like that...

I reckon I could do this.

There's a woodsy
smell in here, ain't there?

Woodsy? (chuckles)

Well, I'm glad that's
the way you think of it.

Might help you a little
to get through the night.

Now, look, let 'em out
first thing in the morning,

then just walk off
and close up the jail.

But don't let them
out before then,

because it'll take that long

for that amount of
liquor to wear off.

Just don't you fret
about a thing, Matthew.

Much obliged to you, Festus.

Well, hello, Glen.

See you've been doing
some fishing, huh?

Yeah. Caught me
a big'un, Marshal.

Yes, he's a beauty.

He's not the one I
was aiming for, though.

He's a powerful
big one all the same.

Well, I can see
your ma'll appreciate

having that for supper tonight,
but, uh, what's she gonna say

about you skipping school?

I don't intend on letting
her know, Marshal.

I'm saying Festus
gave me the fish.

I see.

Uh... it Festus' idea to
tell stories to your ma, too?

Well, you've got to account
for the fish some way, Marshal.

Well, Glen, I'll tell you,
hunting and fishing with Festus

might be a lot of fun, but, uh,

I wouldn't skip too
much school if I was you.

You might regret that later.

♪♪

Are you a deputy now, Festus?

That's just what I am.

Old Matthew leaves me to fill
his boots every now and again.

Well, maybe someday
you'll become marshal.

Can I be your deputy if you do?

Well, of course you can.

I wouldn't think of
appointing anybody else.

Gee, you mean it, Festus?

You bet I do.

Say, Festus...

you think I should
tell ma that...

that I wasn't in school today?

Well, why would you want
to go to work and tell her that?

That'd just make
your ma unhappy.

Ain't no sense in making
your ma unhappy, is there?

Well, that's the way I
figured it, Festus, but...

Well, maybe I'll
see you after supper.

All right, Glen.
I'll be right here,

just a-deputyin' away.

(door opens)

(door closes)

(snoring)

(snoring continues)

Should've brought a bottle.

Hey, you gonna let us...

die of thirst out there?

Hey, out there!

We get a drink if we pay for it?

Hey, out there!

Cousin Festus?

Well, dang my hide.

Cousin Claudius!

Hey, hey, hey, wake up, wake up!

- Look who's here!
- Lambert! Emery!

- Festus!
- Why, you old scudder, you.

- I ain't saw you since...
- Golly Bill, and wearing a badge.

Hey, you a deputy in
Dodge? You a lawman?

Well, just fillin' in
for the marshal is all.

Uh, y-you mean you could
let us out of here, huh?

Oh, of course I can.
Sunup tomorrow morning,

I'm fixin' to buy you coffee and
just see you right out of town.

CLAUDIUS: Sunup?!

We had us kind of in
mind to go to another town

and-and maybe spend the night.

Well, it's just that
Matthew told me to...

CLAUDIUS: I tell you what.

You let us out, and
we'll get our horses,

and just ride away and
won't bother you no more.

Now that's a promise.

Oh, I wished you
wouldn't ask me to do that.

All the favors we
done you, Festus.

What favors you done me?

Well, they was, uh...

Well, there'd ought to have
been one somewheres back.

Oh... grab.

I'm a-getting all crawly
being in this place.

Well, it's probably something
you brung in with you, Emery.

I'm fixing to go look
into your suppers.

Got no regard at all,

just no regard
for your kinfolks.

Oh, golly Bill, Claudius.

I'd like to let you
out and everything,

but I've done gave
Matthew my word.

Well, kin blood's a lot
thicker than water, Festus.

And especially
your Haggen blood.

What are them Haggens
gonna think when they hear

that you kept us in here,

in jail, locked up all night?

You could have let us go.

Yeah. And how'd it gonna
look to 'em when they find out

that you wouldn't take
a Haggen promise?

Well, it... ain't
a-gonna look good,

I'll give you that,

but this ain't something I
can do without stewing on it

for a spell.

You just stew all
you want to stew,

but the truth is

that no Haggen ever
took the side of the law

against another Haggen ever.

Just never!

(sighs)

Oh.

I'll go get your suppers.

I'll be back directly, though.

(door opens)

(door closes)

You reckon he's
gonna let us out?

He's a Haggen, ain't he?

Yeah.

Well, as I can see, he just
ain't got no other choice.

We'll have it ready for
you in about ten minutes.

Oh, it might take 15.

You want some coffee, too?

You bet. A whole
gallon bucket full. Black.

Hi, Festus.

Sam.

Give me a drink, will you?
Better make it a double.

Oh, evening, Miss Kitty, Doc.

How are you?

Nothing wrong, is there, Festus?

What makes you think
there's anything wrong?

Well, you're drinking
pretty heavy, for one thing,

for a man who's wearing a badge.

Oh, well, that ain't nothing.

I was just trying
it on for size.

Well, now, am I
wrong about this?

I-Isn't he supposed to be
the acting U.S. Marshal?

- That's the way I heard it, yeah.
- Yeah.

You know better than that.

I don't know
nothing about lawing.

All I done was agreed

to take over for
Matthew while he's gone.

Festus, I know you have
an aversion to work, but, uh,

why would putting on that
badge put you in a mood like this?

Well, it ain't necessarily
the badge, Miss Kitty.

It's just that when a man
takes on a big job like this,

he gets to thinking
deeper than ordinary.

Festus, maybe if you told
us what your problem is,

- we might be able to help you.
- Yeah.

Miss Kitty, just suppose
that I had a friend.

Well, now, there is
a supposition for you.

(laughing): Oh,
go on. I... Go on.

And just supposing that this
friend give me his solemn word,

kind of a blood
oath, you might say?

Wouldn't I be obliged
to take his word?

Well, I think I would.

I mean, uh, if you
can't trust a friend,

then might as well give up.

Well, that's the way
I've always saw it, too.

Much obliged, Miss Kitty.

Hang tight. What in thunder
was that all about, anyway?

Well, it's as plain as
the nose on your face.

He had a moral
dilemma, and I solved it.

You got any problems?

Yeah. How in thunder do you
get another drink around here?

Sam, bring Doc another drink.

- On the house.
- On the house.

Well... made up your mind yet?

I reckon I have, but
there's one other thing.

You're agreeing
that you're swearing

for Emery and Lambert, too.

I wouldn't have it no other way.

And this here is a
genuine Haggen oath.

Genuine Haggen.

All right, hold up your hand.

Your other hand.

And I want you to say what
I'm fixing to say right after me.

- I swear...
- I swear...

No, don't start till I get
done to make it official.

Now, I swear on my
Grandpa Hog Haggen's grave

that I'm a-fixing
to just leave town

and not be no trouble to nobody.

I swear on my Grandpa
Hog Haggen's grave,

and my ma's, that I'm
a-fixing to just leave town

and not be no trouble to nobody.

- That's it.
- That's it.

No, I mean, I'm done.

Take your hand down.

Well, that's all there is to it.

Go ahead on.

- (whoops) Yeah!
- You're a Haggen through and through.

(indistinct shouting)

- Yes, Festus, you're a good'un.
- Yee-haw!

(laughter)

(indistinct shouting)

(muttering)

Not worth a nickel,
let alone a quarter!

Now, Mr. Halligan, I told you

trying to fix that old harness
was gonna be a waste of time,

and Moss told you
the same thing, too.

Not the fault of the harness.

The way you
overlapped them edges.

Pulled right clear.

Now, you know stitches
won't hold on old leather.

Not with a mule
pulling against them.

I told you to fix me a harness.

Now, you owe me a new
harness for spoiling mine.

Well, that just ain't sensible,
giving you a new harness.

Anyway, that's up to
Moss Grimmick, not me.

Hmm. Just like all the
others. Out to cheat me.

Well, I'm saying this here
harness got to be new.

Oh.

Didn't mean nothing.

Didn't mean nothing.

Mr. Halligan?

Own fault.

Just your own fault.

Get Doc.

Own fault. That's what it was.

(footsteps approaching)

Uh, uh, we got to
pick up our horses.

We want to get on up the road?

Well, he's been drinking.

Better whiskey than we had.

Watch him. He's pretty stout.

Yes, I told you about
laying a hand on me.

He wants to tussle.

Is that what you want?
Do you want to tussle?

EMERY: Grab, he ain't so much.

I could have whooped him myself.

He... He's bleeding.

Must have hurt hisself.

He just fell like anybody.

He couldn't have hurt hisself.

Maybe we ought
to get him to a doc.

I don't think he's
a-breathing, Emery.

LAMBERT: 'Tain't
your fault. He just fell.

They'll be no explaining this

after that tussle
we had up yonder.

We'd better get our horses
and just get on out of here.

Claudius, it ain't like a
Haggen to be running.

You don't explain a
dead man, neither.

You just get away
from where they are.

Come on.

It was them, Festus.

Nobody else done it.

Them done what?

Killed Dave Carson. Beat him up.

Right over there in the stable.

I seen 'em, them trappers.

Nobody else done it, just them.

Beat Dave over the head.

Why would they want to do that?

Out of meanness. I watched 'em.

Beat Dave right over the head.

His pulse any
stouter, is it, Doc?

Is his pulse any stouter, Doc?

No, Festus. Weaker, if anything.

Oh, if I'd have just

kept 'em locked up
like Matthew said.

But they give me
their solemn oath

that they'd leave town.

Isn't there any
improvement at all?

DOC: Well, I'd be encouraged
if he was holding his own.

What can you do?

Well, I've done all I can.

About the only thing
I can do now is just...

just wait.

That's all, but wait.

Well, the whole
dang thing's my fault.

But they just swore
up and down to me

that they'd leave town

and wouldn't cause
no trouble or anything.

Festus, don't blame
yourself so much.

Ain't nobody else
to blame, Miss Kitty.

Anybody could have
made the same mistake.

In a way, it's my fault, too.

No, ma'am. It's all my fault.

I done the whole thing.

That's what I get for
taking a kin's word.

A kin and friends.

(door opening)

Is he dead, Festus?

He's looking awful peaked, Glen.

He gonna die?

Looks real bad.

Them fellas sure beat him.

Nobody else done it.

Did you see the whole
thing, did you, Mr. Halligan?

Well, maybe not all of it.

Just enough to see it was them?

Did you see who it was

that done the actual
beating on Dave?

Well, it was... uh, kind
of confusing, Festus.

They promised me
they'd get right out of town.

Yeah. I heard 'em
say that, promising you.

Then I heard 'em laugh.

Just laugh about it.

They done it.

Laughing?

They was laughing about it?

Terrible thing, laughing
about beating a man.

You watch out for
them fellas, Festus.

They're real mean!

You going after 'em?

That's what I'm
fixing to do, Glen.

Well, can I come with you?

Oh, now, that
wouldn't be proper.

Can I take care of the
jail while you're gone?

Well, ain't nobody in jail.

Well, so there's no harm in it.

No harm, I reckon.

(door opens)

(door shuts)

I don't know whether I was
seeing things back there or not,

but the three of us riding
together is leaving a trail

big enough for a
blind man to follow.

Well, crossing the
flatlands out there,

we'd sure be just
spotted all in one bunch.

Well, uh, maybe
we'd better split up

and all go different directions,

wait for one another
at the line shack.

I don't like leaving
the hills, Claudius.

I-I don't know nothing
about that country out there.

Well, we can't all
ride together, Lambert.

We'll get caught.

- Now, Emery.
- Yeah?

You go up around
that ridge there.

Lambert, you go straight
on across the flatland,

and I'll cut back up through the
saddle here and swing around.

Don't look like there's
much water out there.

Well, you take care of what
you got. It'll see you through.

Well, you'd better
get going, Lambert.

♪♪

(gunshot)

Lambert.

You catch up with
a mule, Festus?

Might say I just took a
little better ridin' ground

than you did.

That must've been
you behind us last night.

It was me.

Now, you can just
unbuckle that gun belt.

I-I can't let you
take me in, Festus.

They'll hang me for sure.

Now, you figurin' on dyin'
right there where you are?

Now, Festus,

I'm just a hill
boy like yourself.

And that's where
I'm going back to.

(gun cocks)

(gunshot)

(horse neighs)

Reckon you got a second
chance to take off that gun belt.

Well, you run off
my horse, Festus.

Oh, I hadn't ought
to have did that.

What I'd ought to
have did is shoot you.

Wh-What you
fixin' to do, Festus?

I'm fixin' to leave you
right where you are.

No horse and no water?

And no "mossacins."

Now take 'em off.

Man can't go no place

without no horse and...
and no water and...

no "mossacins."

Then I reckon you won't be
too far from here when I get back.

Hand 'em here.

You ain't giving me much
of a fair chance, Festus.

I figure you got more of
a chance than Dave's got.

♪♪

You combing out that
blamed scalp there

sure don't whet my craving
for these vittles none.

Well, now, you ain't doing
too bad from what I see.

Paid me a dollar for it.

Real pretty.

Paying for scalps just
encourages renegades...

You ought to know that.

Well, one way of looking at it.

Another is, I know the wagon
family that lost this scalp.

Mailin' it to 'em, give
'em something to bury.

Ain't chargin' 'em neither.

(chuckles) What'll
it be, Marshal?

Little something to
cut the dust, friend.

Well, beer would be better,
but, uh, red-eye in the keg's

about best we can do.

Now, Emery, you can go
ahead and make out your meal,

but the first thing you'd
better do is stand up

and unbuckle that gun belt.

Maybe you ain't
noticed it, Festus,

but you're below
the Kansas border.

If you don't stand
up right quick,

that's where you're
fixin' to get buried.

(chuckles) Outlaw, is he?

Never guess it. Sure
squeamish about a little old scalp.

(chuckling)

Just stand up
and drop that belt.

Sure, Festus, sure.

I just don't know
what's got into you.

(gunshot)

Ain't a very efficient
outlaw, I'll say that.

You got a sheriff
in this town, mister?

After a fashion.

We each take turns
unlocking the jail.

I'll be ever so much obliged
to you if you'll unlock it for me.

Might need a doc first. You
got... There any one of them?

Jake Dunn. Real good vet.

Fetch him and
meet you at the jail.

Much obliged.

Now, Emery, where's
Cousin Claudius at?

Festus, we didn't do nothing.

Claudius, he just... he
just pushed that fella a little.

Oh. Well, that's what
I'm fixin' to do to Claudius

when I catch up with
him, just push him a little.

Now, where's he at?

Well, now, you don't expect
one hill boy to rattle his tongue

on another, do you?

Well, this hill boy better
start to rattlin' his tongue

or I'm gonna shoot him
right where I'm aimin'.

You bluffin', are you?

You callin', are you?

Why, you need a dad-blamed
good story, boy, shootin' me again.

I'll just say I mistook
you for a polecat.

No, you're just loony
enough to do it, too.

I'm just riled up enough
to do it. Now, where is he?

Uh, there's an old shack
down by the Red Rock Divide.

That's where he's at.

Much obliged to you, Emery.

Now, let's you
and me go to jail.

Would you have shot
me again, Festus?

You don't call, you don't
see the other feller's hand.

Don't believe I'd do
that, Cousin Claudius.

You might try it again,

except a little slower
and lettin' her drop.

That's it.

I was, uh...

uh, just fixin' to...

cut some kindling wood
and make up a cup of coffee.

Sure would appreciate
you joining me.

I hear you was the one that
done the thumpin' on Dave Carson.

Why, it weren't no thumpin'.

It's just... pushed
him off me, that's all.

I know a feller that seen it,

and he said it was a
heap more than just a push.

Dave Carson was my friend.

- Now, wait a minute...
- Why don't you just hold up your hand

and say this after me?

I swear on my Grandpa
Hog Haggen's grave

that I'll just leave town.

- Oh, now...
- Say it!

I swear on my Grandpa
Hog Haggen's grave

I'll just leave town.

- And on my ma's grave.
- And on my ma's grave.

Well, you fixin' to get up

or you want to take your
whuppin' right where you are?

You fixin' to tussle with me?

I'm fixin'.

But, uh, you ain't
half as big as I am.

I'm figurin' on cuttin' you down
a foot or two, Cousin Claudius.

And the best man
just walks away, huh?

Except I don't even figure
you're gonna crawl away.

(grunts)

(shouts)

(grunts)

(grunting)

I always wanted me a set
of dried ears for my belt.

I think I'll just cut yours.

(grunting)

(panting)

(grunts)

Had enough, Cousin Claudius?

♪♪

Well, got all three
of 'em, Matthew.

So I noticed. Uh, what
are you charging 'em with?

Chargin' em?

Well, for pert near
killing Dave Carson,

if he ain't already dead.

Well, he's far
from dead, Festus.

Doc just sent him down to
Hays City, the hospital there,

for a few days' rest.

I'm real glad to
hear that, Matthew.

Real glad.

Now, uh, would
you mind telling me

what you charged
these three men with?

Of course. For
beatin' up on Dave.

Well, they didn't beat up Dave.

Now, he says he doesn't
remember everything that happened,

but he remembers enough to
know that it wasn't these three men.

Wasn't them that done it?

No. Now, suppose you men

pick up those guns and get
on out about your business.

Well, now just a minute.

We was fixin' to get up
some charges agin him.

Well, I've got a few
charges I can get up myself

for wrecking the Long Branch.

Now I suggest you pick up
your pelts and get on out of town.

And I want to see
you in the office.

We sure owe you
somethin', Cousin Festus.

I reckon you do, at that.

Yeah. Maybe you
could come a-visiting

up in the hills sometimes.

We'd sure like to pay you
back for all the hospitality

you showed us.

That's mighty
thoughty of you, Emery.

We, uh, got some
finishing up to do,

you get up our way.

Get over, Buck.

Appears like I
made a bigger mess

than a sow's bed, Matthew.

Festus, I just don't
see how it's possible

for one man to get in so
much trouble in 48 hours.

Well, you got every
right to be unsettled.

(light chuckle)
All you had to do

was keep those three men
locked up in jail till they were sober

the next morning,
like I told you.

And we wouldn't
be the laughingstock

of every town for
50 miles around.

Well, all I done was to
take a Haggen's word.

I'd ought to have
knowed it'd been good.

Festus, what if you had
killed one of those men?

That's just what I was thinkin'.

(sighs)

There's such a thing
as responsibility!

I just ain't got no excuse, I...

Well, I'm not asking
for any excuses.

You know, the thing
that made me maddest

was you bringing
this boy in here...

And his mother and half
the town out looking for him.

Glen?

Yeah.

Now, you put him in
charge of the jail here

and you went off and left him.

He stayed here, nobody
knowing he was here.

Well, I didn't aim for him
to stay nights, Matthew.

Well, that's what he did.

(sighs)

Oh, Festus, look, I...

I don't want you to
think I'm ungrateful. I...

I asked you to be
in charge here, and,

well, you did it
for me as a favor.

I'm thanking you.

♪♪

Maybe just a beer, Sam.

Mm-hmm.

How's the rootin',
tootin' marshal tonight?

Just a plain, dang fool, Doc.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I wish I'd had a dollar for
every mistake I made, Festus.

Dave gonna be
all right, is he, Doc?

Mm, certainly. Couple
of weeks in bed,

he'll be as spry as ever.

Memory won't be gone
or anything like that?

Of course not. He's got
all his faculties right now.

Just because he... can't
recollect what happened

in the stable... That
don't mean anything.

- Evening, Doc.
- Kitty.

- Festus.
- Miss Kitty.

That was a mighty fine job you
did, rounding up those trappers.

They didn't deserve
roundin' up, Miss Kitty.

Well, it was still a good job.

I'll buy you a drink on it.

No, ma'am. Much obliged, anyhow.

Well, I'll...

I'll owe you one
when you want it.

Festus.

Now just let me give
you some advice.

You got to quit being so
doggone hard on yourself.

A man can't do anything
but follow his convictions.

You know, when you see
somebody riding away from somebody

that's been injured, what-what
would you naturally think?

Well, I'd think he'd been
up to some mischief.

DOC: Of course.

Well, it's more'n
just riding away, Doc.

When somebody says
that they've saw somebo...

Mr. Halligan.

Halligan?

What about Halligan?

Well, it's more'n just

being a plain fool, Doc.

It's more like being 14
different kinds of fools.

Mr. Halligan?

I'm asking you to surrender.

Now, I know that you
done it, Mr. Halligan.

You said you seen it done.

That kind of shows
that you had reason

to blame it on somebody else.

Now, I don't want to hurt
you none, Mr. Halligan.

I just want you to come on out

and give up to the law.

Now, I'm gonna give
you one more chance.

If you don't come out,

I'm a-fixing to rush
up and get you.

(horse approaching)

Festus.

What do you think you're doing?

I got the guilty man, Matthew.

What makes you think you
got the guilty man this time?

Well, he said he
seen Dave get beat up.

A-lyin' to protect hisself.

Mr. Halligan.

This is Matt Dillon.
Come on out.

My hands are raised, Marshal.

It's all right, Mr. Halligan,
you can put your hands down.

Oh, thank you, Marshal.

I was scared to
give up to Festus.

I was scared he
might be... mad at me.

Did you hurt Dave, Mr. Halligan?

Not a'purpose, Marshal.

You know that I wouldn't
hurt nobody a'purpose.

All right, look, if I let
you stay out here tonight,

will you promise me to
come in to the office tomorrow

so we can talk about this?

Oh, I'll be there, Marshal.

You can just depend on me.

Well, I came the long
way around, Matthew,

but I got my man.

It was the long
way around, all right.

Festus, I tell you what... I
got a new pot of coffee brewing

on the stove back in the office.

Well, much obliged,
Matthew, but I got me a idea.

Uh, taking over for
Dave at the stable

while he's a-getting well.

So's he won't lose his
job for not being around.

Well, now, that's
a real kindness.

Well, I figure I owe a
heap o' that, Matthew.

He'll appreciate that, too.

(sniffing)

Morning, Cousin Festus.

Morning, Cousin Claudius.

Emery.

Festus.

Lambert.

Festus.

Right pretty morning, ain't it?

Passable.

Uh, we come to have a
kind of talk with you, Festus.

Well, I'm powerful
busy right now, Lambert.

We was, uh, wondering
could we sit and jaw a spell?

Of course.

Come on in.

Go for it and sit down.

We, uh...

been kind of wettin'
our whistle a little.

Maybe we got ahead
of you. Help yourself.

Much obliged to you.

You know, Emery
and Lambert and me,

we been a-thinking.

You have?

Sure have.

We's proud.

Proud?

Sure, Festus.

A-real proud.

Take a drink.

Much obliged.

I'm real proud to be
drinkin' with you fellers, too.

GLEN: Festus?

Hold that. I'll
be back directly.

Howdy, Glen.

Well, I'm all ready.

Well, I reckon you are at that.

Well, ain't you going fishing?

Well, I... figure about
Sunday next, Glen.

We'll go down there
and we'll catch us

the biggest mess of
catfish that you've ever saw,

but I expect you got just
time to make her to school,

if you get started right now.

School?

Yeah, you know,

that little old
house down yonder

with the bell a-goin'
this way and that.

So you run on to school now.

When you get home tonight,

tell your ma where you been.

See, I got a feeling
she-she knows

that you've been
a-storyin' to her all along.

So tonight when you get home

and tell her where you been,

well, you watch her grin.

Now, I don't mean
just her mouth.

But watch her eyes grin, too.

Ain't nothing prettier
than that, Glen.

Now, you go on, scoot.

(smacks)

EMERY: Festus, you
gonna stand there and gape

or help us with
this wonderful stuff?

You fellers ain't drank
it all up, have you?

- (laughter)
- You should've seen Claudius.

He drank a whole bottle
without nary a breath.

Oh, faw.

I've never even saw nobody
could do that but your pa,

- Uncle Ben.
- He did it!

I done it.

- Yeah.
- You done it?

Ah, I don't believe it.

Well, we'll just go down
to that Long Branch,

and I'll do her again.

Wait a minute now!

Wait a minute, fellas.

We'd ought to drink here, we...

I hadn't ought to go back
down to the Long Branch.

The whole thing in one drink.

(indistinct shouting)

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