Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 10, Episode 13 - Aunt Thede - full transcript

Festus's ornery aunt arrives, squats on a piece of land, sets up a still, and comes to the rescue of a pair of star-crossed lovers.

(theme music playing)

(both guns fire)

ANNOUNCER: starring
James Arness as Matt Dillon.

(birds chirping)

FESTUS (calls): Webb!

Oh, Webb?

I need a piece of that chain

I brung in that box down yonder.

Fetch it to me, will you?

Seems like me paying the
work done, you ought to fetch it!

Well, I can't keep the
spring stretched out



and be down yonder fetching
the chain, too, dumbbell.

WEBB: You hired on for the job.

FESTUS (grunts): Well,
fling it up to me, will you?

Hurry up. I can't
be holding it all day.

(panting)

Well, there's your
windmill, good as new.

Well, it's some
better than it was.

Some?! Well, look at it...

It's a-spinnin' like a top.

Hold on, Webb.

I'll take my pay right now.

- Pay?
- For fixing the windmill...

Five dollars, and
you shook hands on it.

I wouldn't have
said five dollars.



You did, too! Five
dollars, you shook hands,

and you're honor bound.

I don't put five
cents in my pocket.

All right, you dang yahoo,

I'll just take it out
of your hide, then.

Get over here!

You leave me be, now,
Festus! You leave me be!

I'll have the marshal on you!

♪♪

Now, you leave me be, Festus!

(Webb shouting indistinctly)

(indistinct shouting)

(Festus yelling in pain)

Webb! W... (grunting)

♪♪

♪♪

Festus! Stop!

Pa, are you...
Festus, you didn't k...

Kill him?

Nah. But I'd ought to have.

He'll come to directly here.

I'll tote him into
the house for you.

♪♪

Ought to drop him
on his head again.

Good for nothin'...

♪♪

Giddyap, Enoch!

Whoa.

Say there, young'un!

Are you acquainted hereabouts?

You talking to me?

You calling me "young'un"?

Well, I can't call you else;
I don't know you're name.

Well, my name's Doc Adams.

Well, Mr. Doc Adams, do you
know where the Haggen clan is?

I'm looking for the Haggen clan.

- You mean the family?
- A big'un, likely.

There's no family... there's just
one Haggen here, thank heavens.

It's Festus.

Him, sure! And all his kin.

No, no, there's...
he's the only one here.

Festus... that's the only one.

A Haggen man living alone?

Oh, you're a-bantering me.

(chuckles): No, no. No,
I'm not. I wouldn't do that.

Well, I never heard the like.

Well, can you find
out where he lives?

Well, uh... I-I will, but
you better get that thing

out of the middle of the street.

I'm gonna... I'm going
to. We'll get run over.

(shouts): Well, can you
find out where he lives?!

You see that building yonder,
with the... with the bars on it?

DOC: Well, he
spends an awful lot

of his time in there.

Obliged.

Giddyap!

- Who's that, Doc?
- Oh, hi, Hap.

Bet she's one of the Haggens.

- How in the world can you tell?
- Well, did you see her?

She's a Haggen;
they all look alike.

♪♪

DILLON: I'm afraid there's
no one in there, ma'am.

Where have you got him kept?

Well, who you lookin' for?

Festus Haggen, I'm proud to say.

Oh, I see.

Well, uh, Festus hasn't
been around for a day or two.

Well, Mr. Doc Adams
says he bides time here.

Well, yeah, Festus
is a friend of mine.

Well, just who are you, anyways?

Well, my name's
Matt Dillon, ma'am.

I'm the U.S. Marshal here.

Was never a Haggen born
made willing friends of the law.

Well, maybe Festus
is an exception.

He's a Haggen!

Oh, there's no doubt about that.

Why, I'll be glad to
help you look for him.

Well, I won't be
bounding to you.

I'll set myself,
and then I'll...

I'll do my own finding.

♪♪

Giddyap, Enoch!

♪♪

How'd you make it?

Speak up, boys.

- (frog croaks)
- (chuckles)

♪♪

(birds chirping)

♪♪

♪♪

(sighs)

(sighs)

♪♪

I thought I heard
something soft comin'.

♪♪

♪♪

Hello.

You're settled here.

Well, I'm aimin'
to, and I'm fixin' to,

but I don't call it settled yet.

Nobody's ever been here but us.

This land's took?

Oh, I don't mean
that it's homesteaded.

It doesn't belong to
anyone, not really.

Then it's took now.

Set down.

Oh, I can't stay.

I... I was looking for George.

My friend.

Uh, he comes here
sometimes about this time.

Why don't you set
down and wait for him.

No, I can't wait.

I... I just hoped he'd be here.

I-I don't understand
why he isn't here.

I'll be here.

If you'd tell him
something for me?

Tell him that I came...

and-and tell him that Papa
was ailing so I couldn't wait,

and tell him I'll try
awful hard for tomorrow.

Can I...

Can I tell him the
sad in your eyes

when you said it?

I think he'll know that.

Well, I-I got to run back now.

Well, I thank you kindly.

(birds continue chirping)

♪♪

♪♪

Well, Festus!

What have you done to
your hand here, Festus?

Been in a fight again?

Well, it ain't none
of your business.

There was a little ruction,
and I want to tell you,

that Webb Norton's
got a set of teeth on him

like a bull badger.

Webb Norton? What are
you fighting with him for?

I told you, it wasn't
none of your business.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've said my piece.

Yeah, well, I
haven't said mine yet.

You know, there's a woman
around town looking for you.

Well, I... I've come to
live with that, Matthew.

Mm-hmm. Well, it so happens
this one is carrying a gun.

Came to live with that, too.

I think she's some
kind of relative of yours.

She seemed to know an
awful lot about the Haggens.

She give her name, did she?

Well, no, but you
couldn't very well miss her.

She was carrying a big,
long, cap-and-ball rifle

with a homemade sight on the end

and driving a lop-eared mule

with a homemade
bonnet on his head.

Was there anything a
little different about her?

Different?

Something that
would set her apart.

(sighs)

Well, she didn't seem to
think too much of the law.

Oh, well, she's a
Haggen for sure, then.

Where's she at?

Well, she said she was
gonna get herself settled

and then come looking for you.

Well, I'll save her the
bother. I'll go to her.

Well, how are you gonna
know where to find her?

Oh, Haggens goes
to water, Matthew.

She'll be someplace
down along the creek.

I'll see you directly.

Here's your meat and potatoes.

Get your old ears in here.

(grunts softly)

How's that?

(hoofbeats approaching)

(birds singing)

♪♪

Golly Bill.

You little old scudder you.

You little old scudder you.

You're Festus!

You're Aunt Henry.

- No.
- Aunt Bill?

No, but your memory's pleasing.

You ain't Aunt Frank?

Now recollect back.

You be my size,
and I'd be yours.

And you'd say,
"I want to dance."

And I'd say, "Listen for
the music and climb on!"

Aw, dang mud!

You're Aunt Theodore, ain't you?

They come to call me Aunt Thede.

- Well...
- Aunt Thede!

Well, climb on and let's dance!

FESTUS: ♪ Lay-da,
deedle, deedle, deem ♪

♪ Deedle, deedle,
deedle, do-do, deedle-do ♪

♪ Do-deedle-do-dee,
doodle, do, do ♪

♪ Doodle, doodle. ♪

(Aunt Thede cackling,
Festus laughing)

- Oh!
- It's so good to see you, Aunt Thede!

It's dandy, that's what it is.

Just dandy!

You drive all the way over
from Missouri all by yourself?

Well, just part ways.

Most ways, I drove along
with a man and his boy,

kind of like
protecting each other.

They was nice.

But they was strange.

Well, outside of us Haggens,

most folks have strange ways.

These was... They was reedy.

Reedy?

They give me this
for our fare-thee-well.

Sure is a passel
of words, ain't they?

Oh, it's more than a passel.

I didn't out with... with
I can't read nor write.

Well, that was mannerly of you.

You being in a settlement, uh,

I suppose you've
been learned such like.

No, ma'am.

(chuckles): No.

No, ma'am.

I can see these words all right,

but when it comes
to reading 'em,

that old dog won't hunt.

I just can't do it.

(laughs) Come and set.

Your cooking sure is nice
and smelly, Aunt Thede.

Oh, you sure got that
smooth Haggen tongue.

You asked me how I come,

but you didn't ask
me how come I come.

Well, I figured
you'd say directly.

I won't bender you, Festus.

I'm husband looking.

Rest easy.

I seen directly it weren't you.

There's too many
years twixt you and me.

That is real gentle of you
to give me a look even once.

Well, I'm bounding it
shall be another Haggen.

Why, the Haggen I buried
was more alive and more a man

than these foreigners
I see up and about.

You mean you're traipsing
from Haggen to Haggen?

Uh, cutting your
eye on our menfolk?

Well, they's all
took in Missouri,

and I heard you was here.

And then they's
the Texas Haggens.

And I mean to go clear
to Tennessee if need be.

You was born plumb
loyal, Aunt Thede.

Oh, I'm just used
to the best, that's all.

Did you, uh, win this argufying?

Well, some, and some not.

(Festus chuckles)

Fella give me his word,
and then took it right back,

but I thumped him till his
ears rung like the Liberty Bell.

He give you his word,

and shook hands on it?

Yes, ma'am. Can
you feature that?

Well, you had
the right to kill him.

Well, I know that,
being a Haggen,

but like I was a-saying,

these settlement folks
has got strange ways.

Well, there's two of
us here now, Festus.

(rocking chair creaking)

Food's poor enough.

That's because we're
poor enough, Papa.

It's what we got.
You try to eat some.

You don't fool me none.

Never think you do.

I don't want to fool you, Papa.

You're off meeting
him somewheres.

I ever find the
place... I'll kill him.

I was berry picking.

(knife clatters onto table)

We've got no
gooseberries growing here.

I went off for 'em.

I want meat for supper.

Good, red meat.

I can't mend on this stuff.

Why, there ain't no way, Papa.

We got not so much as one cow.

I want no disrespect from you!

I can't even remember
the last time we had meat.

You come back to the table.

Ivy!

You look at me!

I'm hurting and ailing.

The shame of you worrying me.

You got more
worries than me, Papa.

And shame, too,
owing for Festus's work.

He could bring the
law down on you.

We ain't talking about me!

You just remember this.

I ever catch George with you,

I'll kill you both.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am?

Shh! Mind what they do.

(laughing)

That's relieving.

Uh, um, uh, toads are likely
to spring to water, ma'am.

If the water's pure.

I carry toads to see
is the water pure.

Yeah, that's pretty good.
I never thought of that.

Well, you learn a thing a
day, you store up smart.

Yesterday, it was
her looking for you.

You know Ivy?

No better than I know you.

She was some sorry
not to find you here.

Yeah, I had to drive cattle
down to Meade yesterday.

There was no way of telling her.

She couldn't idle none, George.

Her daddy was ailing.

She told you my name?

It was her pride to.

She means to come today.

You always meet
here? You and Ivy?

Ma'am, we have to meet this way

because her pa
won't have me around.

Well, then, you don't
care that he's ailing.

I heard he broke his
word. He got beat for it.

THEDE: Well, you
must mean Festus.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Uh, will you excuse me?

♪♪

- WOMAN: Good morning, Howard!
- Aah!

Oh. No, Laurie.

Look what you made me do.

I'm sorry.

I spent half the night stacking
those matches like that.

I'm awfully sorry. I
didn't mean to startle you.

That's all right.

Gee whiz, all them
matches... (mutters)

What is it you want?

A spool of white thread, please.

You need a sp... a
spool of white thread.

What else?

Oh, that's all.

That's all?

Oh, oh, you knock all
my... matches down to the...

It's a nickel's worth
of white thread?

Thank you.

Bye.

Howdy, Howard.

This here's my Aunt Thede.

Oh, pleased to meet you, ma'am.

Young'un, we
come to buy fixin's.

Young'un? (chuckles)

Fixin's?

I want a boiler and a
head and some tubin'.

I got the cistern back in camp.

And I want a keg of
molasses about that high.

Aunt Thede... Uh,
excuse us, Howard,

she and me's got to jaw some.

Well, Festus, uh, uh,

a boiler and a head and
tubin', I mean, that's a...

- I know, I know.
- A still.

- I know that.
- That's right.

Aunt Thede, are you
fixin' to moonshine?

Well, of course I am.

Well, the marshal, he
might not smile on that.

Well, I don't live in his
settlement, and I wouldn't.

Us folk never
took to foreigners,

and I ain't about to start now.

Yeah, but wh-where you're
camped down yonder on the creek,

he roams free as a
bird down there, too.

Festus, that is my land,
and I've got my rifle.

And what I do on my land is
my business and the Lord's.

And it's handed down
that the Lord smiles

on Haggen moonshinin'.

Well, whatever it
is that she wanted,

why, get it for her.

Festus,

the marshal will be down
there with the first puff of smoke.

Well, I got me some powder left,

and I'll show
him a little frolic

he won't soon forget.

After I get my still built,

then I'll get to my preacherin'.

She's a preacher, too?

Come to my first meetin'.

Aunt Thede, building a
still's a dangerous business.

Well, how else you
gonna moonshine?

Festus, what's going on?

Haggen business.

None of yours.

Howdy, Matthew.

This here's the lady that was
looking for me a few days back.

This here's my Aunt Theodore.

Nice to see you again, ma'am.

You're big and strong, likely.

Appears you could
get decent work.

Did you say "Theodore"?

Well, her-her papa wanted
all boys and he got all girls,

so her mama give
him leave to name 'em.

Ain't that the straight
of it, Aunt Thede?

I'd mind who I told
my business to, Festus.

Well, you must've
been headed someplace

when you stopped here, Matthew.

Uh, don't let us
tarry you none. Just...

go ahead.

I'm about to set out, Festus.

Climb on.

Giddyap!

(birds chirping)

(whistles)

I'll blow you clean off my land.

Hey, you're a... mighty
contrary old woman.

(gunshot)

You like to killed me!

When I'd like to, I will.

I didn't know there
was a still hereabouts.

I'm-I'm just a... sick man

looking for his daughter.

You mean you're Ivy's daddy?

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, Webb Norton's my name.

You know Ivy?

Your name is Mrs.,
uh... Haggen is my name.

Theodore Haggen.

Haggen.

You're related to
Festus, are you?

We's kinfolk.

Now, you sashay
off my land right now.

Leave it!

This way!

Get!

Move along!

(gunshot)

(shouting)

You... (gunshot)

Run!

I'll have the law on you!

(gunshot)

Squealin' stealer!

I'll have the sheriff after you!

(gunshot)

I'll have him on you!

I'll get him!

I think you're right, Ivy.

Marryin', it ain't years.

It's... feelin'
love and sharin'.

Sharin' mostly.

Just everything.

If George feels
pain, you feel it.

If it don't sit good with Ivy,
it don't sit good with you.

The same with joy...
If it's his, it's yours.

That's the way.

George, that's
just the way it is.

If someone don't give us
that right to get married...

how are we gonna
come to know it?

Well, weren't never no trouble
like that with the Haggens.

Lo, maybe marryin'
started with the Haggens.

They was all prime believers.

I mind Mama told us girls,

she said, "If you
knowed how to run

"from him, and you didn't,

you was fit for marryin'."

The only time I run is
to get to you, George.

Well, boy, it's been
like this over a year now.

It's the waitin', ma'am... It's
getting harder and harder.

I know, boy.

But mind this, there's a
bigger hand that works

than yours or mine
or Ivy's mean daddy.

God?

So let Him simmer
on this a while.

Well, it looks like
I need firewood.

It'll take two to
get all I need.

And it'll take a
while to gather it.

If the preacherin's mine to do,

I know You'll give me a sign.

Uh, tell me, Festus,

does Matt know about that still?

No, but it's only a
question of time till he does,

and I don't know what's
gonna come of that.

'Cause Aunt Thede
just don't cotton to him.

She'll probably kill him,
then we'll have to hang her

and-and go to all the trouble
of getting a new marshal.

What have you got back there?

Oh. This here's a book.

Belongs to Aunt Thede.

She don't read
no better than me,

and I was hoping you
could tell me what it is.

HOWARD: Oh, well,

yeah, this is... Funny that
she'd have this, though.

Is it something bad?

Oh, no. No, no,
no. It's a good book.

It is?

Oh, yeah.

Just kind of surprises, I
mean, that she'd have it.

Oh, no. Aunt Thede's got
a awful lot of religion in her,

a powerful lot.

Well, I'm ever so much
obliged to you, Howard.

THEDE: It's the
sign I asked for.

I never thought I'd own one.

FESTUS: You sure
do now, Aunt Thede.

And I'm mighty glad for you.

THEDE: Recollect what
that storekeep said again.

FESTUS: Yes, ma'am. He...

he held it in his hand
just like you're doing now.

And he looked on it,
he smiled and he said,

"This here's a good book."

THEDE: A good book.

Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

Genesis, the Revelations,

all right here in my hands.

Oh, I'd give a pretty
to be able to read it.

You said that mighty
proud, Aunt Thede,

I-I can see that.

I declare,

tonight the whole world
is my brother and sister.

I feel truly obligin'.

You reckon you'd
feel obligin' enough,

Aunt Thede, to lay
back on the moonshinin'?

I'd as soon pull my own teeth.

Wine and nectar...
It's in the Book, Festus.

You know that.

Yes, ma'am.

I just hope Matthew's as
God-fearing as you are.

This Law's higher'n him.

Hey Bill, Matthew, you
can't go agin the Good Book.

Festus, I don't know about that,

but I know there's a law against
moonshining in Ford County

and your Aunt Thede
is living in Ford County.

Wi-Wine and nectar's right
straight from the Gospel,

Aunt Thede said that.

Festus, I've got
better things to do

than run around
busting up stills.

Well, do better things, then.

Well, I thought maybe
you were gonna handle her,

but it doesn't seem like
it's worked out that way.

She's all over town
taking shots at people,

operating a still.

Now Webb Norton's
got another complaint.

Webb Norton, well, I...

Well, I don't think
much of him, either.

But he said that she shot at
him and then took his daughter.

Well, that's a
dang lie, Matthew.

I was sleeping the whole
night right by Aunt Thede's fire,

and Ivy wasn't nowhere about.

Well, he's made the complaint,
and I've got to investigate it.

Oh, hold on, now,
Matthew. Wait just a minute.

If you're determined
to go out yonder,

I'd better go and
look out after you.

Like old Howard said,
uh, she'll probably kill you

and she'll hang for it
and they'll want me to be

the new marshal and...
I don't want the job.

(muffled grunt)

Mr. Norton, sir,

we don't want you
tied up like this.

If I untie you, will
you promise to let

the wedding go...

George.

You'll be needing one of these.

Aw, no, ma'am.

I can't take your ring.

You take it with my blessing.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now stand so.

And proud, too, George.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm ready.

Ivy, girl!

Come to your wedding!

♪♪

Ivy.

The Lord give us a sign.

Now, the Lord knows

we ain't none of us complete

all by ourselves.

Like Mama told
us girls, it takes two

to make one.

And that's the Lord's way.

Because He's been
blessing marriages

since the first of things.

And what He wants
to know, George...

is: Do you love her?

I love her.

And do you love
him back true, Ivy?

I love back true.

Set the ring on
her finger, George.

Set your hands on the Good Book.

Gentle like.

And now we'll all close our eyes

and talk silent to the Lord,

telling him that we mean

right and proper in all this.

And we swear it on His Book.

What's she doing,
marrying those two?

It ain't a hanging.

Don't... Don't stir up no ruckus

during the praying, Matthew.

And now don't you feel blessed?

And married?

Well, then give and take a kiss.

(spurs jangling)

(muffled grunting)

Festus, the Lord's work is done,

and there ain't nothing big
enough here to set it wrong.

You come by a
little late, Marshal.

I was tied by her
and shamed to watch.

It was the only we could get him
to stay at the wedding, Marshal.

I wish I'd knowed you was
fixing to carry your preachering

this far, Aunt Thede.

You wasn't invited here,
but now that you are,

you can get him off my land.

Well, I'd like to get a few
things straightened around first

if you don't mind, ma'am.

It's straight enough.

All God asks for marrying
is that her and him love

and take their blessing
smack off the top of His Book.

This is your mess
of doing, Festus.

Lay back, Marshal.

I said lay back.

Us Haggens do our own fightin'.

Festus.

Yes, ma'am.

Hop to it.

(grunts)

What gave you the idea that
you were a preacher, ma'am?

If you don't mind my asking.

You just mosey
the Missouri hills

and ask after Aunt Thede Haggen.

There ain't a place that I ain't
preached since I was called.

Did you know about this, Festus?

Well, not the whole of it.

When we started out from town,

I didn't know we was
coming to a wedding.

It was the Book give
you the idea, wasn't it,

- Aunt Thede?
- Festus,

I asked for a sign.

And when you came back,

you told me what that book was.

I don't know about you,

but I'm gonna start
makin' tracks for Texas.

Festus, can she read?

Ain't none of us knows how,

but that don't hurt a particle.

George.

I'd like to talk to you and
Ivy for just a minute, please.

Come on, he'll be all right.

What's wrong, Marshal?

Well, for one thing, this
preaching would be all right

if you were in Missouri,
but you're not hill people.

She married us by the Bible.

That makes it proper, don't it?

It's Little Women.

I don't know what Little
Women is, but it isn't a Bible.

Well, does that mean
that we're not married?

I don't see how you
could be. Do you?

Oh, Marshal, we've tried
every way to get married.

Mr. Norton... He
just won't have it.

He never will.

He just wants to keep Ivy
there doing for him until he dies.

Marshal, can't you help us?

I wish I could, but
I don't see how.

GEORGE: Marshal,

couldn't you go on
letting Mr. Norton believing

that we're married
until we have a chance

to go off and do it proper-like?

A-And not tell Aunt Thede
about the book, either.

She was so... so proud of...

Look, you two better go
on and say good-bye now.

Look, Marshal...

The love that Ivy
and me got... it's real.

We won't forget you.
Not ever, Aunt Thede.

Now, you love every
day of your lives.

You hear?

Marshal.

You can't let them leave.

I want that old witch arrested.

Oh, hush up, Webb.
On what charges?

For stealing my daughter.

And marrying her off to that...

scumbum without my consent.

I'm afraid you're the one
that's going to jail, Webb.

What have I done?

Tried to murder
Festus with a knife.

Well, you can't lock me up.

I got to undo what she done.

They's married.

Can't nobody undo

what the Lord has blessed.

You're the law, Marshal.

You got to do something.

DILLON: Webb, you
heard the ceremony.

Now, these two are old enough
to know what they're doing.

Seems like they want
to be man and wife.

Now, that's just the way it is.

- But that don't...
- That's the way it is, Webb.

I'm glad to see you got

everything under
control, Matthew.

I'm fixin' to drive Aunt
Thede down to Texas.

Hey, uh, mind my mule, will you?

Well, now, uh, just how long
are you planning to be gone?

Well, I just may
never come back.

I feel so mean towards you.

I get to feeling any
meaner, though,

I'll be back in a
couple of weeks

and break all your bones.

Ma'am.

Thanks, Marshal.

Giddyap, Enoch.

This from the still?

It was to be our wedding
toast to each other.

Here's to your happiness.

Pretty good stuff.

Pa.

What are we
waiting for, Marshal?

♪♪

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