Gunsmoke (1955–1975): Season 1, Episode 25 - The Big Broad - full transcript

A large woman and her small companion bring trouble to Kitty's saloon, as the woman has a way of causing guns to be drawn.

( dramatic theme playing)

(gunshot)

ANNOUNCER:



Starring James
Arness as Matt Dillon.

( tranquil theme playing)

Well, would you look at that.

Do you see what I see?

(chuckles)

Do you reckon that she
wears leather underwear?

(all laughing)

I don't think I'd ask her
if I was you, Chester.

She might answer
you with that six-gun

she's got strapped on her there.

Yeah, she's not the
gentlest lookin' woman

I ever saw.



(all chuckling)

Well, that little
feller with her

sure looks like he's been
carrying around the birdcage,

don't he?

(all laughing)

I thought we'd never make it.

You thought you'd never make it.

Get off that mule.

Sure, Lena.

Oh!

Lena, I... I... I... Oof.

That'll learn you to
apologize like a gentlemen

instead of standin'
there gawkin'.

(laughing)

Who you laughin' at?

Oh, not a soul, ma'am.

If I thought you was
laughin' at me or my man,

I'd open you up.

Oh, no, no. My gracious, no.

Well?

Well, it... (chuckles nervously)

It was just something funny

that I heard a feller tell

the other day, is all.

What did that feller
tell you was so funny?

Well, he, uh, um...
I'm waitin', mister.

What was that, Mr. Dillon?

You heard him.

Dillon? You must be the marshal.

That's right, ma'am.

Well, I'm real proud to know
ya. My name's Lena Wave.

How do you do?

This here...

This is Emmett
Fitzgerald, marshal.

Emmett.

Howdy, marshal.

This is Chester Goode.

DILLON: That's Doc Adams.

Oh, how do?

Mornin'.

Emmett's a gamblin' man.

That so.

And I want you to
know he's real honest.

LENA: Ain't you, Emmett?

I only caught him cheatin'
once. Right, Emmett?

Sure, Lena. And you
like to have killed me.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

About the, uh,
bein' honest, that is.

Emmett will be
runnin' a game tonight.

Long Branch looks
as good a place as any.

No objections, I
take it, marshal.

Yeah, well, as a matter of fact

we do have a city ordinance
against gambling here.

You what?

'Course we very
seldom enforce it.

Just a little fine now and then
to keep the game legitimate.

Well, you ain't hookin'
me for one red cent,

and you better
not try it neither.

Well, I was... I'm
warnin' you, mister.

I ain't hornin' for no trouble,

but if it comes my
way, I'll be ready for it.

And there ain't a
man I can't handle

any day come
hallelujah, includin' you.

Just don't forget that.

Yeah, well, uh...
All right, Emmett.

Better find
someplace to feed you,

so you'll have all your
strength to deal them cards.

Sure, Lena.

You can sit in on the
game too, mister...

if you watch your manners.

Thank you.

Come on, Emmett.

Looks like you oughta get
some food in you too, Matt,

so you'll have your strength.

(chuckles): I think you're
gonna need it while she's in town.

Yeah.

It... It was an
oversight, ma'am.

I swear it was.

You were shyin' the pot,

and in this game you
ain't allowed no oversight.

Well, please, ma'am...

You just wait.

Get movin'. One of these days...

Scat, before I...

(chattering)

(conversing indistinctly)

Good evening, Matt.

Yeah.

(piano playing
upbeat old-time music)

Well, I see Chester'll
be borrowing a quarter

for breakfast tomorrow.

You know something, Matt?

This may sound crazy but...

Well, I feel sorry for big Lena.

(scoffs)

Save your sympathy.

When you first see
Emmett and her together,

it makes you wanna laugh.

After a while, it
gets kinda sad.

Well, after all, Matt,
she is a woman.

You're pretty sure
about that, huh?

Kinda hard to tell sometimes.

Think how awful it is for her.

It wouldn't be natural
if underneath all that,

she didn't wanna
be a little attractive.

Yeah, I know she can't
help lookin' like a buffalo,

but she don't have
to act like one.

No. No. No, sir.

That's not my hand.

CHESTER: I had three aces.

You accusin' Emmett of cheatin'?

You wanna get a hole
shot right through ya?

Well, Emmett was
dealin', wasn't he?

I'm promisin' you, mister,

I'll shoot a hole
in you right now.

Now, just a minute, Lena.

Mr. Dillon, somebody
stole my hand.

(music stops)

Look, I don't what it's
like where you come from,

but around here,
you shoot anybody,

you go to jail.

Put a woman in jail?

For shootin'
somebody, I would, yes.

How 'bout for fightin'?

Well, uh, that depends.

Lena, you don't... Mr. Dillon...

You was sayin', marshal?

(sighs)

Come on, Chester.

(piano music continues)

Deal.

It wasn't my hand, Mr. Dillon.

I had three aces, I know it.

What'd you let her
get away with it for?

Lack of experience, Chester.

I never tangled with
a woman before.

It was the only
winner I had all night.

You can't outtalk
'em, you can't hit 'em.

What can ya do?

Matt.

Good mornin', Doc.

(sighs)

Well, you sure
lead an easy life.

Here I been
patchin' and stitchin'

behind big Lena since
sunup this morning.

And you all stretched
out here, taking it easy.

I'm just tryin' to figure
out how to handle her.

What's happened now?

What's happened now?

Well, it's just big Lena

against the whole
male species, that's all.

Two more casualties.

Been hurt bad?

Bad? She used a bottle on 'em.

'Course there was more
blood than anything else.

Oh, I hear that she
slugged Chester last night.

Something about him
accusin' her Emmett

of cheatin' at
cards, or somethin'?

Yeah.

Chester's mistake.

Some of the boys
were jokin' him.

They switched cards on him
while he was under the table

lookin' for a couple of
chips that he'd dropped.

Well, sir, I'll tell ya, Matt.

One of these days,

some drunk is not
gonna be able to tell

whether she's a man or a woman,

and he'll shoot her.

Uh, now you're just tryin'
to make me feel good.

CHESTER (shouts): Mr. Dillon.

She went and done it.

Big Lena, she just shot a man
in the lobby of the Dodge House.

( dramatic theme playing)

Well... you can call
the undertaker, Chester.

(groans): Oh.

She oughta be run out of town.

Well, Lena.

Why'd you shoot him?

I got a respectable
witness here.

Mr. Uzzell, the clerk.

LENA: He seen everything.

Well, I had to protect myself.

Nobody else would.

Includin' Emmett here.

I would've stood up
for you, Lena, only...

Only she's better than me

when it comes
to lookin' after her.

You got no more backbone
than a splatter of dough.

I asked you a question, Lena.

What you expect me to do
when this stinkin' buffalo hunter

comes at me, saying
things he shouldn't oughta,

tryin' to kiss me?

Kiss ya?

Tell him.

Well...

That's just about the
way it was, marshal.

He was pretty drunk.

He come in and
grabbed hold of her

while she was gettin'
the key to her room.

She... She wrestled him
all the way over to there.

See? I killed him
in self-defense.

Self-defense.

He wasn't even
armed, except for this.

Ain't you forgettin'
something, marshal?

I'm a woman.

Yeah, and I'm gettin' tired
of you tradin' so hard on it.

Ain't a woman got a
right to protect her virtue

in this town?

She's... She's got a
point there, marshal.

There ain't a judge in the world

who wouldn't be
proud to let me go free

for what I done.

I'll take that gun, Lena.

Why?

'Cause you can defend
yourself without it.

All right, marshal.

I guess you've
gotta come out of this

feelin' puffed-up
about somethin'.

Come on, Emmett.

Come to think of it,
you've been up all night,

and you ain't had
your breakfast.

Come on. Sure, Lena.

Just a minute, Lena.

From now on, if you wanna
be treated like a woman,

you better start
acting like one.

( dramatic theme playing)

Well?

(sighs)

Self-defense.

He was making advances,
and she was protecting herself.

And she had a witness too.

Ah, the sweet influence
of the gentler sex.

Like the dew of heaven

upon the rough
natures of mere man.

I gotta finish this report.

Yeah.

I'm Nate Bannister.

Glad to know you.

DILLON: This is Doc Adams here.

How do.

You won't be glad to know me,

not if you're the marshal.

I'm the marshal.

I just come from
the Dodge House.

I'm lookin' for this here
woman who killed Ed Jane.

He was my partner.

Uh, Matt,

maybe you better tell the
man what he's up against.

Nobody's gonna
shoot a friend of mine

and get away with it.

Not even a woman.

He was drunk, Nate.

Seems he wasn't showing
her the proper respect.

Well, that's no
cause to kill him.

(scoffs)

Now you're just bein' logical.

Don't you know a woman's
got a right to protect herself

anyway she sees fit?

That don't set right with me.

I'm sick of puny females
always takin' advantage,

just 'cause they're
weak and underbuilt.

NATE: You gonna
arrest her, marshal?

There's no point to it.

All right, then.

I'll take care of
her myself for good.

Woman or no woman.

There sure was a temptation
to let him go after her.

Yeah.

He was just about her size too.

Yeah, give me a hand,
Doc. Let's get him into a cell.

What you got me in here for?

She's the one that
oughta be locked up.

Locked up for cold,
blackhearted murder.

I'll get even with her,

if it's the last
thing I ever do.

She's the one that
oughta be locked up.

Good thing we got
him locked up, huh?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Dillon.

The state of mind he's in,

I think we oughta
just turn him loose.

I hear you got a man
named Nate Bannister in here.

That's right, Lena.

And he's goin' around sayin'
he can't wait to shoot me down.

Right again.

Give me back my gun.

I'll give you back your gun
when you get outta Dodge.

I ain't gettin' outta Dodge.

You heard me.

Then let me have a look at him.

I got a right to know his face

if he's so set on murderin' me.

Well, you sure got a lot
of rights for one woman.

You gonna let me see him?

(sighs)

All right.

You got a visitor.

I'm Lena Wave.

You?

And I'm here to tell you

I ain't gonna let no mangy
buffalo hunter bushwhack me.

What are you starin' at?

Nobody told me
what you look like.

What do I look like?

You're sure one
fine bunch of woman.

First gal I ever seen
built along my taste.

I'm homely as a
warthog, and I know it.

Oh, how can you tear
yourself down like that?

Why, you're a
sight for sore eyes,

from hocks to horn.

I wouldn't wanna see no
harm come to a lady like you.

Lady?

That's what I said, ma'am.

(laughs)

You hear that, marshal?

He called me a lady.

Well, you are one, ain't you?

'Course.

What's the matter
with callin' you one?

Nothin'.

(scoffs)

I like it.

A lady don't have
to be pale and puny.

She don't?

No.

Real man don't want no
little, scrawny, sawed-off runt.

NATE: Man needs
someone... (Nate sighs)

Well, better than that.

Think so?

Sure, Lena.

(laughs)

A minute ago, you
were ready to shoot me.

That's before I seen you.

I-I tell you what.

Let's me and you
bury the hatchet

over a glass of beer, huh?

I'd like that.

Hey, marshal!

Yeah, yeah. I hear ya.

I'll get the key.

(piano playing
upbeat old-time music)

If you're here to
keep an eye on Lena,

looks like she's too taken
up to stir up any trouble.

They sure make a shaggy
pair of lovers, don't they?

Oh, he's makin' her
feel like a woman.

Is that what it is?

(Lena chuckles)

What does it make him feel like?

(Nate and Lena laughing)

(laughs)

Lena.

What do you want?

Well, you've been
sittin' here for hours.

I-it's time to go to supper.

I told ya don't bother me.

You never acted
like this before.

Nothin' like this ever
happened to me before.

This ain't like you, Lena.

Maybe it's time I got
shed of you altogether.

I'm thinkin' it over.

But...

The lady said she don't
wanna be bothered.

You want me to
run you outta here?

Leave him be, Nate.

(scoffs)

He's liable to come
apart in your hands.

Go on, Emmett. Get.

Sure, Lena.

Get!

( dramatic theme playing)

(all laughing)

Step up, everybody.

Nate Bannister's buying.

(all laughing)

Lena and me is gettin' married.

Oh, ho... Ho... Hold on.

I never said that.

Well, I ain't had
time to tell you yet.

(all laughing)

I wouldn't have
missed this for anything.

You know, I'm gettin'
myself a good woman,

but she's gettin' herself
an even better man.

You sure are swelled
up with yourself, ain't ya?

I just got the guts
to go with my gall.

What do you say?

How 'bout a kiss?

(all laughing)

That's my kind of girl.

(laughs)

NATE: Hold still, will ya?

Hold still girl.

(Lena laughs)

Take your hands off her.

Emmett, he and I
care... EMMETT: Shut up!

Why, you miserable,
scrawny, little...

You'll... (grunts)

You... (grunts)

Kitty, give me that bag.

(breathing heavily)

Doc?

Well, just a good thing
it wasn't a forty-five.

(sighs)

You were out to
kill him over me.

I was losin' you.

You went and shot him.

I-I... I couldn't
stand losin' you.

He didn't mean nothin' to me.

I... I don't know what happened.

Sure, Lena.

He called me a lady and...

started sweet-talking me,
just like I was any other woman.

And I sorta lost my head.

How is he, Doc?

(grunts)

I guess you just can't kill
a buffalo with a derringer.

Better get him up
to the office, Matt.

Yeah, a couple of you
men give Doc a hand,

and get him to the office.

Did he draw on you, Emmett?

No, marshal.

Well, guess I'll have
to take you to jail.

Reckon you do, marshal.

But you can't.

He's... He's my husband.

Your husband?

Of course.

We've been
married for ten years.

(sighs)

I know you got a
good heart, marshal.

LENA: Couldn't you just...

No, I'm afraid he
has to go to jail, Lena.

He shot a man. He
might've killed him.

I don't mean that.

I mean, I...

want you to let me
go to jail with him.

What?

Can't you see?

I've been waitin' for ten years

for him to treat me like a wife.

I can't leave him now.

LENA: Please.

Well, I... I guess
we got room for two.

Till the trial.

(exhales)

Thank you, marshal.

LENA: Thank you.

All right, Emmett.

( uplifting theme playing)

What's the matter?

Didn't you ever see
anybody in love?

( mellow Western theme playing)