Gun (1997): Season 1, Episode 4 - All the President's Women - full transcript
* (jazz music)
(whacks golf ball and lands)
Bill Johnson: Aww, I think
it's a little short.
Parker Tyler: You hit it really
short. What did you use?
Bill: That was a
six-iron Parker.
Parker: A 6-iron. Anyway, let's
see what we can do about that.
(bop, bop, bop, bop)
Parker: Uh, uh-hum.
(scraping)
(whacks golf ball)
Bill: Looks like you
got a bad bounce there.
Parker: Thanks Bill.
Bill: Tough luck buddy.
Man: You were right Parker.
Parker: Yeah, but my partner
too, anytime you want
to clean your balls during
my backswing, anytime.
Bill: Well maybe it's
sitting out there.
Parker: Uh, it's
buried in there.
Bill: Well the high
grass can be deadly.
Parker: I want to thank you
a hundred thousand times.
(chattering)
Parker: All right I
got my wedgie here.
Bill: I'll be there
up on the green Parker
lining up my birdie putt.
Parker: Show thyself
ball, show thyself.
* (upbeat music)
(rattlesnake hissing)
Bill: Did you find it Parker?
Parker: Sweetheart you just
stay right in that position.
If you'll forgive the
expression. (laughs and sings)
Man: Parker is
going snake hunting.
Bill: Parker get
out of that grass.
(gunshots)
Parker: Ow! Whoa! Whoa! Ow!
Bill: He shot his foot.
Parker: OW! I shot my
foot. I shot myself.
Bill: Come on let's
get him in the cart.
Jefferson: Come on somebody.
Lift him off his feet.
Man: Breathe deep.
Breathe deep Parker.
Jefferson: You're going
to be all right.
Just don't give into it. Just
don't give into it Parker.
It will be fine. Just
hold on. Hear me. Hold on.
* (U2 singing The Beatles'
"Happiness Is a Warm Gun") *
* She's not
a girl who misses much *
* Do do do do do do, oh yeah
* Happiness is a warm gun
* Happiness is a warm gun
Man: And so it was exactly
one year ago to this day
that we at Buena
Vida Country Club
lost our fine and upstanding
president Parker Tyler.
And as I stand here
before you all,
his loving wife Frances
and his daughter Phyllis...
Phyllis Tyler: Mom. (thunder)
Jill Johnson: Who's going to
be president now dear?
Bill: Well he'll
have to be elected.
Jill: That will be you. Huh?
Bill: Well those are
awfully big shoes to fill,
but if elected I'll serve.
Sally: You know, daddy,
he wasn't a very nice man.
Jefferson: A rattlesnake
knows what to bite.
Paula Simmons: Well just tell
him I'm at a funeral, okay.
(thunder)
Genny: Hi Bill.
Man: So it is with great
honor that I hereby declare
the Parker Stanley
Tyler memorial hole.
Paula: How is it? It's boring.
Phyllis: (moaning)
* (Country music)
Bill: (moaning)
Phyllis: Bill could you please...
Bill: How was it honey?
Phyllis: What?
Bill: Making love
to a president.
Phyllis: Oh! Oh Bill,
you are fantastic.
You were so good, you were
so fast, it was really great.
Bill: Was it any different?
Phyllis: Different.
What do you mean?
Bill: Well different?
Phyllis: I'm not quite
sure what a president is
supposed to feel like,
but it was almost
just about perfect.
I guarantee you that.
Yes, unlock me.
Bill: Well I guess I'm
not really
officially the president yet.
Phyllis: Bill, do you
mind to unlock me.
Bill: It won't be long now.
Bill: Four-and-a-half more days.
Phyllis: Four-and-a-half days.
Bill: On July 19th
you will be lying here
next to the new president
Amarillo's finest.
Phyllis: Well, won't
that be something.
Bill: Buena Vida
Country Club. (laughs)
Phyllis: Yeah, (laughs)
(knocking)
Phyllis: Uh, where's
the key to this thing?
Bill: Jesus, who is that?
Phyllis: Unlock me, unlock me.
Bill: Oh Jesus
(indistinct chatter) sorry.
(loud knocking)
Bill: Here, here, here.
Bill: Hold on, hold
still, hold still.
Phyllis: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Bill: Who is that?
(loud knocking)
Phyllis: It's my
mother I'm sure of it.
She always has to come
and check up on me.
- (knocking)
- (opens door)
Phyllis: Hello.
Julio: Package for
you Miss Tyler.
Phyllis: Oh. Hold on
a second. (shuts door)
Julio: Got it?
Phyllis: Thanks Julio, Hooleeo.
* (soft music)
(whispers) Bill: Phyllis.
* (louder soft music)
Bill: Phyllis.
Phyllis: What's your hurry
big boy? (chuckle)
You taking some
medicine or something?
Got to get home to wifey maybe?
Bill: Phyllis.
Phyllis: Oh! What's the matter?
Are you scared of
little old Phyllis?
Bill: Come on now.
Phyllis:(yelling)
Say it, say it.
I am scared of Phyllis.
Bill: Phyllis come
on put that down.
Phyllis: Say it!
Say it! Say it! Say it!
(mischievous chuckle)
Phyllis: Oh God! Oh
man! I love that.
You look so stupid when you're
scared. (Pow, pow, pow, pow).
Bill: Give me that.
This is not a toy.
Where did you get this?
Phyllis: Julio sent it
out from the front desk.
Oh, it came in a box.
See I thought maybe
mother sent it to me,
but I'm not so sure.
Bill: Your mother?
Phyllis: Mmhmm
Phyllis: Oh, you know what?
I know she didn't because
mother doesn't read
the newspaper. (sniff)
Bill: This is Parker's gun.
Phyllis: It is? Oh, cool.
Somebody sent me daddy's pistol.
Bill: Look there's no clip.
Phyllis: Clip? What's a clip?
Bill: A clip goes in here,
see. It holds the bullets.
Phyllis: Oh! Well I
don't need any bullets.
I'm not planning on
shooting anybody.
Bill: Honey, now quit playing
around with that thing now.
There's nothing more dangerous
than an unloaded gun.
Phyllis: All right. Okay.
Bill: You remember that!
Phyllis: All right.
Bill: I got to get out of here.
Phyllis: Oh, no Bill
don't go. Bill, Bill stay.
Bill: Will you stop that.
Phyllis: Kiss.
* ( seductive music)
Phyllis: (moaning)
Bill: Phyllis,
Phyllis, no, honey.
Bill: Would you just...
See you at the club tomorrow.
Phyllis: Pow!
* (country and western music)
(sizzling)
(door closing)
Bill: Sorry I'm late honey.
I had to go over some
stuff with Cliff.
Jill: No prob.
- Bill: No what?
- Jill: No prob.
Like problem. I just finished
Kinky Friedman's book
a little bit ago Elvis,
Jesus and Coca-Cola.
It's about a private detective
and that's what he says.
No prob, no prob.
Bill: I thought you had meetings
at the club all day today.
Who the hell is Kinky Friedman?
Jill: You know.
Jewish country singer.
Uh, we saw him in
Waco once. Remember?
"Ride 'Em Jewboy"
"Get Your Biscuits in the
Oven and Your Buns in the Bed"
Well he also writes
detective novels,
and Richard says
on the back cover
he's Texas's greatest
natural resource,
and Joseph Heller compare
him to Shakespeare and Mozart
so I canceled my meetings.
Bill: What are we having?
Jill: George Washington's
favorite meal.
Bill: Oh.
Jill: Cream of peanut soup,
ham with oyster sauce,
sweet mashed potatoes
with coconut,
string beans with
mushrooms, spoon bread
and whiskey cake.
It's almost ready.
Bill: How do you
know so much about
George Washington's
favorite meal?
Jill: I read about
it in a book called
Hail to the Chief about
eyeball presidential trivia.
Did you know that
Thomas Jefferson
was horribly bored
by being president.
Did you know that Jefferson,
John Adams and James Monroe
all died on July fourth.
More presidents bit the dust
in July than any other month.
In 1974 when the
Judiciary Committee
recommended impeaching
Tricky Dicky
guess what month is was. July.
LBJ had the best
nicknames though.
He was sometimes called
Little Prince Lyndon
and Uncle Cornpone and his
aides liked to call him
the great guided-missile.
Did you know Jefferson invented
that swivel lazy Susan thing?
Also the dumbwaiter
and the swivel chair.
Harrison liked to do his
own grocery shopping.
Taft was our fattest president.
They had to build a
special bathtub for him,
and Garfield he was
our smartest president.
He could write
Greek with one hand,
and Latin with the
other at the same time.
Bill: That book say
anything about Bush?
(timer buzzing) Bill: Goddamn.
Jill: Chow time.
* (guitar music)
(squish)
Bill: What's this?
Jill: I don't know.
It came today addressed to
me, but it must be for you.
* (western music)
Jill: So did you order that for
one of your guns or something?
Bill: Yeah, yeah, I did.
It's funny they addressed
it to you though.
Mrs. Bill Johnson.
Oh well. (laughs)
Jill: To George Washington
who never told a lie.
Bill: (quiet chuckle)
Marcy on Intercom: Mr. Johnson.
Bill: How long have
you been working here?
Marcy: Um, three
days Mr. Johnson.
Bill: Well I think
that's long enough
for you to start
calling me Bill.
What do you think?
Marcy: Sure Bill.
Bill: Did you buzz
me for something?
Marcy: Oh yeah. Paula
Simmons is here to see you.
(shuffling)
Paula: Only three days. Huh?
Gosh! And she seems so
incredibly on top of things.
(footsteps)
Bill: Hi Paula. So what
did you find out for me?
Paula: You know Bill,
sometimes being your lawyer
is more of a headache
than being your ex-lover.
So your friend Dumbo Jim
managed to get his ass
in a major (unintelligible)
but it doesn't appear
that he actually broke any laws.
Just read the file carefully
before you go into
the hearing, okay.
I don't think you could get
yourself into any trouble
or him if you just
stick to the truth,
but of course, you
and the truth (laughs)
Marcy: Bill.
Marcy: Now how many cows do
you put in a pen with one bull?
- Bill: Uh, that would
be 20 Marcy.
- Marcy: Thank you Bill.
-Bill: Are you doing
a breeding report?
-Marcy: Uh-huh
Bill: Well make sure you
say heifers instead of cow.
Marcy: Oh cool. Thank you Bill.
Paula: Well what is a real
corporate cowboy anyway
without a little jail
bait around to keep his
chaps soiled
Right Bill? Just remember
the basics of the trade.
Virgin heifers always
breed the easiest.
By the way I'm
returning these to you.
I'll just leave them over there.
(thuds)
Might come in handy with
Einstein Ella in there
you might have to restrain some
of that unbridled intelligence.
* (jazz music)
(bullets clanking)
(shuffling)
Paula: Listen honey,
you just tell him
Paula Simmons is on the line
and he'll take the call.
Bye. Thank you. That's right.
* (harmonica country music)
(camera flash)
Elliott, photographer: Okay.
Again, and (flash)
Elliott: Jefferson would
you move that flag
a little bit please for me.
Jefferson: Yep.
Elliott: No not that
one, the other one.
Bill: It is a little
warm in here.
Genny: (laughing)
Jefferson: How's that?
Genny: Is that all right?
Elliott: Great, thank you Genny.
(laughing and giggling)
Elliott: Now one
more like this Bill
then we're going to do
you in the other outfit.
Bill: All right.
Elliott: Okay now.
Smile for me now Bill.
Elliott: Great, you
can go change now.
Genny: (giggling)
Bill: Do I have to
change the pants too?
Genny: Oh Bill (giggles)
Get going. I don't think
we have time for that.
Bill: After all this
rigmarole is over with
and I'm the president
maybe we'll make some time.
What do you think?
Genny: Oh, I don't know.
(giggles) Whoa! Mr. President.
Phyllis: You know what mother?
(chattering)
Jill: Genny. Have
they shot Bill yet?
Genny: Yeah, about 100 times.
He's already to the last outfit.
Here's the photographers's
invoice and a copy.
Jill: Could you that to me?
Jill: Okay, what I need
right now is for somebody
to nail down some
bartenders for me.
Frances, who are those
guys you always use?
Frances: Magic Beverages.
They make the Houdini Martini.
Jill: Oh yes. Bill
just loves that drink.
Okay, so who wants to wrangle
these magic guys for me.
Make a few points with
the new president.
Phyllis: Oh, I can do that.
Jill: All right
Phyllis. You're on.
Try to get them lined
up by today though.
It will give me one less
thing to worry about.
Also, a little good news to
excite Bill when he gets home.
Surprises always make
Bill so attentive.
Genny, I thought you were
helping with the portrait.
Genny: I am, but Bill
went to the bridge room
to change his clothes.
Jill: Do me a favor.
Remind him to get
measured for his tuxedo.
Phyllis: You know
something Jill.
I think I'll make
these phone calls
in the little hallway
in the office.
Um, that way, um,
you won't be bothered
by my talking on the phone.
Jill: Okay, no prob.
Frances: Bye bye darlin'
* (harmonica country music)
Bill: Jesus.
Phyllis: Gotcha! (laughing)
Bill: Phyllis, don't
scare me like that.
Phyllis: You got
to get braver Bill.
The president isn't supposed
to be such a scaredy-cat.
Bill: Look honey, being
in here together like this
is kind of dangerous.
Phyllis: I know...
Bill: They're waiting
on me out there.
Phyllis: Who's waiting on you?
Bill: Oh come on honey.
Phyllis: Come on Bill, come on.
Bill: By the way did
you ever track down
who sent you Parker's gun?
Phyllis: I don't care
who sent me Parker's gun,
quite frankly, honey,
I've been a little bit sneaky
myself these days. (laughs)
- Phyllis: (laughing)
- (knocking)
Bill: Oh geez!
Sally: Oh, Miss Tyler.
Phyllis: Hi Sally.
Sally: I was looking
for Mr. Johnson.
Bill: Sally. (chuckles)
Sally: I called out.
Bill: Yeah-yeah, I
just finished dressing
and Phyllis, Miss Tyler,
she just came in here to...
Phyllis: Well I just came here
to show Bill what showed up.
Look at this Sally. It's
daddy's snake pistol.
Can you believe it?
Somebody must have
just found it.
Look at this Bill. Feel
it. Feel how heavy it is.
Bill: Oh yeah, would
you look at that.
Phyllis: It's big too, isn't
it. Pow! Pow! Pow! (laughs)
Pow! Pow! Pow! All
right I got to go. Bye.
Bill: Bye. Can you
believe it. (chuckles)
It's funny how nobody
ever figured out
just how that gun up and
disappeared like it did.
I guess somebody
finally ran across it
out there in the grass.
Sally: I guess so Mr. Johnson.
* (guitar country music)
Jill: Genny will be waiting
for you out front at 6:30
and she'll show you
where to get dressed.
Okay. Bingo! We just got
Mariachi Escondido
What a great stroke of luck.
How on earth did you
know they were in town?
Frances: Well they are
shooting a commercial out
at my brother's place.
Jill: Oh! Hi Paula.
Listen, thank you
so much for coming,
but I just did not
know who else to call.
Jerry is out of town
and well Bill said.
Paula: So I'm here.
Of course, there are
a lot of male lawyers
that belong to this club too,
but hey, a problem solved
with a woman's touch
is much less likely to jump up,
and bite you in the ass,
again. Now isn't it?
Jill: Especially
if it's man-made.
Paula: (chuckle) Most are.
So what's the...
Jill: I think it was
Ike who once said
that "since all our
problems are man-made
they can therefore
be solved by a man
since man can be as
big as he wants to be."
Paula: Yeah, and meanwhile
Mamie is back
at the White House taking
care of the plumbing.
So, what do you need from me?
Jill: We're trying to
get the new floodlights
installed by Friday
and the county said
the city should do
it and the city says
that we're in the
county's territory.
Paula: Oh, and the
Amarillo city limit line
runs right down the
spine of this clubhouse.
Doesn't it? (dialing)
Paula: (on phone)
County commissioner.
Jefferson: Oh hang
onto this. Turn it off.
Genny: There, let
me fix that for you.
Bill: Got anything
else that needs fixing?
Genny: (laughs) Yeah,
just the police report
if your wife finds my
lipstick on your collar
Bill: (laughs) Does the word
spinner mean anything to you?
Genny: Oh Bill. Are
you a fisherman too?
* (guitar country music)
Paula: Oh thank you so much.
Jill: Well that was easy.
Paula: I used to date
the county commissioner.
Phyllis: Hi mother.
Phyllis: What you doing?
Frances: Just trying to help
Jill with this light problem.
Which reminds me I brought you
a little something
for the apartment.
Jill: Phyllis, any luck
with those bartenders?
Phyllis: What? (coughing)
Oh yeah-yeah.
I'm waiting for an answer.
Oh my God that is
so cool. What is it?
Frances: It's a clapper.
Phyllis: A clapper.
What's a clapper?
Frances: One of those devices
you hook up to your lights
so if you don't want
to walk all the way
to the switch to
turn it on and off,
you just clap your
hands real hard
and the noise makes
it happen. (claps)
Phyllis: Wow!
Frances: I'll come over
to your apartment tonight,
and I'll show you
exactly how it works
and I'll fix your
garbage disposal.
Phyllis: Well if that
isn't the cleverest thing.
You mean you just clap your
hands like this (claps)
Elliott: Excellent.
Well that about does it.
Bill: Good. Well
that was painless.
Elliott, thanks a lot.
- Bill: Fred.
- Fred: Yeah.
Bill: I appreciate it.
Fred: My pleasure.
- Bill: Jefferson.
- Jefferson: Yes sir?
- Bill: Thanks a million.
- Jefferson: You're welcome
Mr. Johnson
Bill: Got you off
that grass-cutter
for a while. Didn't I?
Jefferson: Yes sir, you
sure did, Mr. Johnson.
Bill: Hey partner, put it there.
I appreciate it. (chuckle) Yeah.
Genny: Here I'll
take that for you.
Sally: Your wife
says don't forget
to get measured for
your tuxedo, sir.
Jefferson: six foot two,
195-196, Jacket 44 long,
Bill: That's amazing
Jefferson. How'd you know that?
Jefferson: Something
my daddy taught me.
He said he could always judge a
man's weight by his handshake.
Bill: Oh yeah. What
did your daddy do?
Jefferson: He was an undertaker.
* (guitar music)
Bill: Buenos noches,
Senior. Habla English.
Julio: What can I do for you?
Bill: I'm here to see
Miss Senorita Tyler.
Julio: She's not here right now.
Bill: First, I have a question
for you. Por favor.
There was a package
delivered here
last noche about oh two o'clock.
Julio: It was Tyler
202 I ran it up.
Bill: Oh, oh great.
It's Julio. Right?
Julio, do you know anything
about that
package who delivered it?
Julio: I can't say. I
got here about 7:45.
The box was already
on the table.
Bill: I appreciate it.
Thank you. Muchos gracias.
Julio: No prob.
* (country music)
(opens door)
(door creaking)
(silence)
(door slams shut)
(footsteps)
- Bill: Phyllis.
- Frances: Phyllis?
Frances: Who's there?
(scoff) Uh, who's there?
Bill: Who's there?
(cricket noise)
(click)
Frances: Bill, (deep breath in)
what are you doing here?
Bill: Frances. (nervous chuckle)
(deep breath) It's you.
Frances: Yeah. (chuckles)
Bill: Phyllis wanted me
to stop by on my way home,
(lowered voice)
and take a look something here.
Wanted me to take a
look at Parker's gun.
Seems that somebody
sent it to her,
and she wasn't sure
if it was his or not
so she wondered if I could
come by and take a peek.
I know that gun like the
back of my hand, you know.
Frances: Is it this one?
Bill: Um, (clears throat) yeah,
yeah, that's the gun all right.
Frances: Phyllis gave it
to me at the club today.
She knows this is
her daddy's gun.
Bill: Oh, good.(nervous chuckle)
I'll just go on home then.
Frances: Well, uh, how did
you happen to have a key
to my daughter's apartment?
Bill: Um, well
she gave it to me.
Yeah, it seems that she said
that I'd probably beat her here,
so, you know, she had to
stop for gas or something
and she gave me the
key (nervous chuckle)
to open that...
I'll just leave it right here.
Frances: All righty.
Phyllis: Bill. Oh my God.
What a great surprise.
I wasn't expecting you.
Bill: Phyllis, there's
somebody there. (clap)
There's somebody here Phyllis.
(lights go on)
(crickets)
- Phyllis: Mother.
- Bill: (nervous chuckle)
Told you.
Phyllis: Oh wow. Hi mother.
So, mother,
that um clapper thing,
I see what you mean. What a cool
idea. (claps - lights go off)
(laughs) Oh I love it.
(claps - lights go on)
You know, how many times
are you really, really
tired on the sofa and
you're halfway into a nap
and then you have to get
up and turn off the lights,
and you are so bummed out
because it wakes you up again.
Or better yet think of the
fun you can have at parties
with this, Halloween for sure.
(door closes and Bill leaves)
Phyllis: Oh mother you
are so clever. (cries)
* (harmonic jazz music)
Phyllis: (crying)
Frances: Phyllis. I just
don't know what to say.
Phyllis: (crying)
Frances: I just, I just
don't know what to say.
* (harmonica jazz music)
I really don't know what to say.
Phyllis: (crying)
(silence)
(door closes)
* (Bruce Henderson
"Swimming Through the Ashes") *
Bill: Hey the clicker on that
garage door is not working.
Jill: Well you're early.
Bill: Yeah.
Jill: You said on the
machine that you were...
Bill: I changed my mind.
I'm a little too
tired for tennis.
* I can't hate
you for the things you do *
Bill: Damn this
lazy Susan thing.
I mean it's not the
ideal liquor cabinet.
The guy was definitely
not a drinker.
Jill: What guy?
Bill: That John Quincy
Adams or Rutherford B. Hayes
whoever the hell
invented... (mumbling)
Grover Cleveland,
Warren Harding,
yeah that's it little
teetotaler Warren
got to be
one of his... (mumbling)
Jill: No dear. It was Jefferson.
Bill: ( deep sigh) Well
whatever, okay.
Jill: For the record
Harding wasn't a teetotaler.
He was a huge drinker.
Famous for staying out
all night carousing around
getting tanked up with his pals.
He died suddenly, you know,
on a vacation train
trip with his wife.
She wouldn't let
them do an autopsy.
Cool as a cucumber
at the funeral too.
It was never really determined
what Harding died of.
I think the wife just got
tired of his messing around,
and she poisoned him.
What do you think?
Bill: What's for dinner?
* (Mexican music)
(chatter)
Bill: How y'all folks tonight?
Hey Steve. Thanks a
lot. Good to see you.
* (Mexican music)
- Waiter: (gives notes to Bill)
- Bill: What's this?
(laughing)
* (jazz music)
(chatter)
* (jazz music)
(chatter continues)
Frances: (cries)
* (jazz music)
(louder chatter)
Bill: Yeah. Boys, I got to
go see a man about a dog.
(keys clanking)
(toilet flushes)
(zipper up and down)
Bill: (laughs) You
scared me Sally.
Sally: I didn't think
anything scared you, sir.
Bill: Oh come on, we'll
all grown-up people here.
Sally: So what are you doing
up here missing your big party?
Bill: Well I'm... What
are you doing up here?
Sally: Well somebody's got
to keep all the ladies dry.
Bill: (mumbles)
* (Mexican music)
* (jazz music)
(door closes)
Sally: Well, how's it
going out there Miss Tyler?
How are you and all those
First Ladies making out. Huh?
Phyllis: Oh, everybody
is having a blast.
But you know something Sally,
a certain one of us might
be a little bit more first
than what appear
to the naked eye.
Sally: The only problem about
being first is staying first.
- Paula: Phyllis. Sacred Rose?
- Phyllis: Huh?
Paula: Your lipstick.
That's the name of the
color. Isn't it? Sacred Rose.
Phyllis: Uh, yeah.
Paula: How long have you worn
that Sacred Rose color Phyllis?
Phyllis: I don't know. Why?
Paula: Well what a pity.
Even sacred roses eventually
fade, wilt, and die a sad
death in time. Don't they?
Phyllis: I don't know what
you're talking about Paula.
Paula: Well let me
explain it to you Phyllis.
While you've been
sitting there flashing
your adorable
little Scarlet smile
your sacred president,
it appears has developed
a certain little fondness
for a new shade of pink.
Pink Surrender, I
think it's called.
Genny: Hi girlfriends!
(closing door)
Paula: Sit here honey.
It's still warm.
Genny: Oh thank you.
Phyllis: Genny.
What an adorable
shade of lipstick that is.
* (jazz music)
Bill: God, oh crap, damn coots.
* ( jazz music)
- Frances: Hello Bill.
- Bill: Frances.
Frances:(breath out) Nice
night isn't it?
Bill: Yeah.
Frances: Oh yeah.
It's a perfect night
to feel the fresh
air on your skin.
The moonlight, the breeze,
to be naked under the stars.
Bill: I'm just out here
thinking about Parker.
Frances: Oh, isn't
that wonderful
because I was just thinking
I'd caught me a rattlesnake.
(rattlesnake hissing)
(silence)
* (jazz music)
Bill: Frances put that down.
Frances: Shut up Bill.
Shut up and listen.
Bill: Look, if this
is about Phyllis.
Frances: I said shut up.
(silent lull) Good.
Now that you understand me,
here's what you're gonna do.
Take off your clothes.
Bill: (laughs) Look honey,
I don't know what you...
Phyllis: Now Bill. Take your
clothes off, all of them
or I'll shoot you sure
as I'm standing here.
Phyllis: That's just a
little bolder
than what you
normally wear. Isn't it?
Genny: I just bought it last
week. Isn't it to die for?
Genny: Lacy's has
a whole new line.
They got this whole
rack that they call
smashing virgin lip
shades for the real woman.
Phyllis: Oh well that
is a fabulous lip color.
It's just perfect for
your skin tone I think.
Oh wait a second.
You missed a little bit
of your bottom line.
Do you mind if I get your lips
for you?
Genny: Oh well thank you.
Be careful. Not too much.
Phyllis: All right. It
will just take a tad more.
Genny: You know
(unintelligible mumbling)
Phyllis: I just think you
need a little more lipstick.
- Genny: Wait a minute, no.
- Phyllis: (yelling) Hold still!
Paula: Oh, y'all
don't want to go in.
Somebody just got sick in there.
Frances: Sacred number
seven hole. Oh my.
Let me see. Oh wait a minute.
Bill, I think we better
clean you up first.
Isn't that the routine? Sure.
We need to clean you up.
* (jazz music)
Bill: Are you kidding?
(chatter)
Man: Paula, you look great.
Paula: This seat is reserved
for the new president.
So move along.
Frances: Oh don't be
such a crybaby Bill.
It's not the first time
you've had your pants off.
Bill: Look Frances.
I can understand you
being upset about Phyllis.
Frances: Sure I'm
upset. Who wouldn't be?
Bill: Okay, then let's just
talk about it then. All right?
Frances: What is
there to talk about?
What's done is done.
Bill: Okay, I know that I'm
partially to blame. Okay?
But you got to understand
it. Phyllis was the one...
Frances: What makes you
think this is about Phyllis?
Oh my, my, such a short memory.
And what else could
this possibly be about?
It's about that
night. Isn't it Bill?
You know which night I'm
talking about. Don't you?
Bill: (silent lull) Yes.
Frances: So tell me Bill.
What happened at the
Christmas party that night?
In your own words. Your version.
Bill: Frances (sighs)
it wasn't any big deal.
You just had too much to drink.
Frances: You wouldn't
even hold me.
You didn't even have the decency
to put your arms
around me and hold me.
You pushed me away.
You looked at me
like I was crazy,
and then you pushed me away,
walked out the door
and left me there.
You can put the rest
of you into anywhere,
and into anything that
crawled or breathed,
and after all that you turn
around and go after my daughter.
How could you do that
to my little girl?
How could you do that to Parker?
Did my little girl fight like
that when you handcuffed her?
Bill: (yelling)
Oh go to hell Frances.
Your innocent little girl.
She delighted in
every minute of it.
She couldn't get enough
as a matter of fact.
Taught me a few new tricks.
And as for your perfect husband
Parker, the model president,
the president that Bill
Johnson could never be.
Well let me tell you something.
Maybe you and everybody else
didn't know the real
Parker Tyler like I did.
Frances: I knew Parker Tyler.
I loved Parker Tyler.
Parker Tyler was my friend.
And you Bill Johnson
I know Parker Tyler.
* (jazz music)
(footsteps)
Bill: (yelling) Frances!
Bill: Frances come back here.
Don't treat me like this.
Frances please.
Phyllis: I'm going to show that
Mr. President a thing or two.
I'm going to show him just
how the cow chews the cabbage.
You know what I mean?
Paula: Well I think you
should do that honey,
Phyllis: That's right.
You can only walk on
the worms so often.
I'm telling you the hogs
have left the pigpen Paula.
I'm telling you that.
- Paula: (laughing)
- Phyllis: (laughing)
What is so funny?
Paula: You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Phyllis: (yelling) And I'm going
to be an independent,
liberated, uptight woman
like you Paula. Hallelujah!
* (jazz music)
Genny: Mr. Harlan
what are you drinking?
Mr. Harlan: This
is whiskey dear.
Genny: Can I have some of that?
Mr. Harlan: You sure can.
Genny: Thank you.
Genny: Hi girlfriends.
(silent lull)
Why y'all looking
at me like that?
All right. I know what you think
that I'm dumb or
immature or something.
Like I just fell off the
turnip truck. Go ahead.
Phyllis: No Genny
we don't think that.
I'm so sorry. I don't
know what happened.
Something just came over me.
Genny: Phyllis I swear to you,
I'm not even mad at you at all.
I swear to you I'm not mad.
* (jazz music)
Bill: Jill. Oh Jill. Oh God.
I am so glad to see you.
(nervous chuckle) Oh Jill honey.
Jill. Oh thank God it's you.
Honey, listen, I really
need you to help me here.
You know, honey, I just
need you to help me.
I can explain everything.
I can and I will,
but first I just need
you to get this...
Jill: The president needs
me, huh. (chuckle) Imagine that.
The president suddenly needs me.
You know Bill, President Wilson
was a very needy president.
For that reason he much
preferred women to men.
As a matter of fact, all
his best friends were women.
He said they were
more admiring of him,
sympathetic, (sniff) and they
never argued or interrupted.
Bill: Honey.
Jill: You know he was madly
in love with his first wife.
- he was despondent
when she died.
- Bill: Jill.
Jill: He sat by her
body for days,
and he just wrung his hands.
(water splash) Bill: Baby.
Jill: But he married
someone else right away
because you see he
really needed a wife.
Bill: Jill, Jill, I love
you and you know that.
(heavy breathing) Now honey I
know I made some mistakes.
I mean and I'll never...
Jill: You'll never
what Bill? Lust again?
You know, I bet there
are some presidents
who never lusted at all
like maybe that walrus Taft
or might have been
Buren or maybe Nixon,
the poor dear, he was just so
pitifully sexless. Wasn't he?
Bill: Jill, I'll do
anything you say.
Jill: On the other hand
you got total hounds
like Roosevelt and
Harding he was the worst,
but you know what honey,
I think that Carter
was the one who had
it all figured out.
Bill: Carter?
Jill: Yeah. Carter got it right.
Go on. Lust in your heart.
Tell Playboy about it,
and then go on home to supper,
and save yourself the
sloppy consequences.
Bill: Yeah, well it does
make the most sense, I guess.
Jill: Oh shoot. It's
almost midnight Bill.
You're going to miss the
surprise I had planned for you.
(sad voice) Gosh
what a shame. (sighs)
So Bill, you know what
Andrew Jackson said
on his way out of office.
Bill: No honey. What?
Jill: He said, quote,
I only have one regret,
that I have not shot Henry Clay
or hanged
John C. Calhoun, unquote
They just don't make
presidents like they used to.
Do they Bill?
(fireworks)
Man: Okay folks, it's time for
the candle light celebration.
Come on let's go.
(Cheering and fireworks)
* (patriotic music)
(chatter)
Paula: (laughing)
Genny: I can't believe
how (unintelligible chatter)
Phyllis: (unintelligible chatter
and laughs) That's so funny.
I wish I could think
of things like that.
Like I wish I could think
of a really cool way
to give Bill back my handcuffs.
* (patriotic music)
(chatter)
Phyllis: I wish I could think
of some really brilliant way
to give them back to Bill.
Frances: Is the search
out? Where is everybody?
Phyllis: Where's my handcuffs?
Frances: You mean I got
to make my own drink.
I will then, I certainly will.
Phyllis: Are you
having fun out there?
Frances: If I was
having any more fun
my heart would fall down
from the clouds. (laughs)
Now girls, you silly things,
shall we say hail
to our new chief.
Phyllis: No, I say the
hell with our new chief.
* (patriotic music)
(drops gun)
* (patriotic music)
Sally: Well, hey there
partner. (laughs)
I had a hunch you'd
get put back together.
And then end up
with Mrs. Johnson.
Oh well, maybe next time
I'll send you to
Saddam Hussein's babes.
Get a little world peace
started around here.
Jefferson: Sally.
Sally: Oh Hi, daddy.
Jefferson: You've got some
explaining to do young lady.
Your mother is out in the
parking lot crying her eyes out.
Sally: Mama? What
happened? What's wrong?
Jefferson: Well, she
went by your apartment
to surprise you
with a cherry pie,
and guess what she found
hanging on your bed post.
I don't know who he
is, but when I find out,
I'm going to kill him.
(rattlesnake hissing)
* (U2 singing The Beatles'
"Happiness Is a Warm Gun") *
* She's not a
girl who misses much *
* Happiness is a warm gun
* Happiness is a warm gun
* Yee haw.
(whacks golf ball and lands)
Bill Johnson: Aww, I think
it's a little short.
Parker Tyler: You hit it really
short. What did you use?
Bill: That was a
six-iron Parker.
Parker: A 6-iron. Anyway, let's
see what we can do about that.
(bop, bop, bop, bop)
Parker: Uh, uh-hum.
(scraping)
(whacks golf ball)
Bill: Looks like you
got a bad bounce there.
Parker: Thanks Bill.
Bill: Tough luck buddy.
Man: You were right Parker.
Parker: Yeah, but my partner
too, anytime you want
to clean your balls during
my backswing, anytime.
Bill: Well maybe it's
sitting out there.
Parker: Uh, it's
buried in there.
Bill: Well the high
grass can be deadly.
Parker: I want to thank you
a hundred thousand times.
(chattering)
Parker: All right I
got my wedgie here.
Bill: I'll be there
up on the green Parker
lining up my birdie putt.
Parker: Show thyself
ball, show thyself.
* (upbeat music)
(rattlesnake hissing)
Bill: Did you find it Parker?
Parker: Sweetheart you just
stay right in that position.
If you'll forgive the
expression. (laughs and sings)
Man: Parker is
going snake hunting.
Bill: Parker get
out of that grass.
(gunshots)
Parker: Ow! Whoa! Whoa! Ow!
Bill: He shot his foot.
Parker: OW! I shot my
foot. I shot myself.
Bill: Come on let's
get him in the cart.
Jefferson: Come on somebody.
Lift him off his feet.
Man: Breathe deep.
Breathe deep Parker.
Jefferson: You're going
to be all right.
Just don't give into it. Just
don't give into it Parker.
It will be fine. Just
hold on. Hear me. Hold on.
* (U2 singing The Beatles'
"Happiness Is a Warm Gun") *
* She's not
a girl who misses much *
* Do do do do do do, oh yeah
* Happiness is a warm gun
* Happiness is a warm gun
Man: And so it was exactly
one year ago to this day
that we at Buena
Vida Country Club
lost our fine and upstanding
president Parker Tyler.
And as I stand here
before you all,
his loving wife Frances
and his daughter Phyllis...
Phyllis Tyler: Mom. (thunder)
Jill Johnson: Who's going to
be president now dear?
Bill: Well he'll
have to be elected.
Jill: That will be you. Huh?
Bill: Well those are
awfully big shoes to fill,
but if elected I'll serve.
Sally: You know, daddy,
he wasn't a very nice man.
Jefferson: A rattlesnake
knows what to bite.
Paula Simmons: Well just tell
him I'm at a funeral, okay.
(thunder)
Genny: Hi Bill.
Man: So it is with great
honor that I hereby declare
the Parker Stanley
Tyler memorial hole.
Paula: How is it? It's boring.
Phyllis: (moaning)
* (Country music)
Bill: (moaning)
Phyllis: Bill could you please...
Bill: How was it honey?
Phyllis: What?
Bill: Making love
to a president.
Phyllis: Oh! Oh Bill,
you are fantastic.
You were so good, you were
so fast, it was really great.
Bill: Was it any different?
Phyllis: Different.
What do you mean?
Bill: Well different?
Phyllis: I'm not quite
sure what a president is
supposed to feel like,
but it was almost
just about perfect.
I guarantee you that.
Yes, unlock me.
Bill: Well I guess I'm
not really
officially the president yet.
Phyllis: Bill, do you
mind to unlock me.
Bill: It won't be long now.
Bill: Four-and-a-half more days.
Phyllis: Four-and-a-half days.
Bill: On July 19th
you will be lying here
next to the new president
Amarillo's finest.
Phyllis: Well, won't
that be something.
Bill: Buena Vida
Country Club. (laughs)
Phyllis: Yeah, (laughs)
(knocking)
Phyllis: Uh, where's
the key to this thing?
Bill: Jesus, who is that?
Phyllis: Unlock me, unlock me.
Bill: Oh Jesus
(indistinct chatter) sorry.
(loud knocking)
Bill: Here, here, here.
Bill: Hold on, hold
still, hold still.
Phyllis: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Bill: Who is that?
(loud knocking)
Phyllis: It's my
mother I'm sure of it.
She always has to come
and check up on me.
- (knocking)
- (opens door)
Phyllis: Hello.
Julio: Package for
you Miss Tyler.
Phyllis: Oh. Hold on
a second. (shuts door)
Julio: Got it?
Phyllis: Thanks Julio, Hooleeo.
* (soft music)
(whispers) Bill: Phyllis.
* (louder soft music)
Bill: Phyllis.
Phyllis: What's your hurry
big boy? (chuckle)
You taking some
medicine or something?
Got to get home to wifey maybe?
Bill: Phyllis.
Phyllis: Oh! What's the matter?
Are you scared of
little old Phyllis?
Bill: Come on now.
Phyllis:(yelling)
Say it, say it.
I am scared of Phyllis.
Bill: Phyllis come
on put that down.
Phyllis: Say it!
Say it! Say it! Say it!
(mischievous chuckle)
Phyllis: Oh God! Oh
man! I love that.
You look so stupid when you're
scared. (Pow, pow, pow, pow).
Bill: Give me that.
This is not a toy.
Where did you get this?
Phyllis: Julio sent it
out from the front desk.
Oh, it came in a box.
See I thought maybe
mother sent it to me,
but I'm not so sure.
Bill: Your mother?
Phyllis: Mmhmm
Phyllis: Oh, you know what?
I know she didn't because
mother doesn't read
the newspaper. (sniff)
Bill: This is Parker's gun.
Phyllis: It is? Oh, cool.
Somebody sent me daddy's pistol.
Bill: Look there's no clip.
Phyllis: Clip? What's a clip?
Bill: A clip goes in here,
see. It holds the bullets.
Phyllis: Oh! Well I
don't need any bullets.
I'm not planning on
shooting anybody.
Bill: Honey, now quit playing
around with that thing now.
There's nothing more dangerous
than an unloaded gun.
Phyllis: All right. Okay.
Bill: You remember that!
Phyllis: All right.
Bill: I got to get out of here.
Phyllis: Oh, no Bill
don't go. Bill, Bill stay.
Bill: Will you stop that.
Phyllis: Kiss.
* ( seductive music)
Phyllis: (moaning)
Bill: Phyllis,
Phyllis, no, honey.
Bill: Would you just...
See you at the club tomorrow.
Phyllis: Pow!
* (country and western music)
(sizzling)
(door closing)
Bill: Sorry I'm late honey.
I had to go over some
stuff with Cliff.
Jill: No prob.
- Bill: No what?
- Jill: No prob.
Like problem. I just finished
Kinky Friedman's book
a little bit ago Elvis,
Jesus and Coca-Cola.
It's about a private detective
and that's what he says.
No prob, no prob.
Bill: I thought you had meetings
at the club all day today.
Who the hell is Kinky Friedman?
Jill: You know.
Jewish country singer.
Uh, we saw him in
Waco once. Remember?
"Ride 'Em Jewboy"
"Get Your Biscuits in the
Oven and Your Buns in the Bed"
Well he also writes
detective novels,
and Richard says
on the back cover
he's Texas's greatest
natural resource,
and Joseph Heller compare
him to Shakespeare and Mozart
so I canceled my meetings.
Bill: What are we having?
Jill: George Washington's
favorite meal.
Bill: Oh.
Jill: Cream of peanut soup,
ham with oyster sauce,
sweet mashed potatoes
with coconut,
string beans with
mushrooms, spoon bread
and whiskey cake.
It's almost ready.
Bill: How do you
know so much about
George Washington's
favorite meal?
Jill: I read about
it in a book called
Hail to the Chief about
eyeball presidential trivia.
Did you know that
Thomas Jefferson
was horribly bored
by being president.
Did you know that Jefferson,
John Adams and James Monroe
all died on July fourth.
More presidents bit the dust
in July than any other month.
In 1974 when the
Judiciary Committee
recommended impeaching
Tricky Dicky
guess what month is was. July.
LBJ had the best
nicknames though.
He was sometimes called
Little Prince Lyndon
and Uncle Cornpone and his
aides liked to call him
the great guided-missile.
Did you know Jefferson invented
that swivel lazy Susan thing?
Also the dumbwaiter
and the swivel chair.
Harrison liked to do his
own grocery shopping.
Taft was our fattest president.
They had to build a
special bathtub for him,
and Garfield he was
our smartest president.
He could write
Greek with one hand,
and Latin with the
other at the same time.
Bill: That book say
anything about Bush?
(timer buzzing) Bill: Goddamn.
Jill: Chow time.
* (guitar music)
(squish)
Bill: What's this?
Jill: I don't know.
It came today addressed to
me, but it must be for you.
* (western music)
Jill: So did you order that for
one of your guns or something?
Bill: Yeah, yeah, I did.
It's funny they addressed
it to you though.
Mrs. Bill Johnson.
Oh well. (laughs)
Jill: To George Washington
who never told a lie.
Bill: (quiet chuckle)
Marcy on Intercom: Mr. Johnson.
Bill: How long have
you been working here?
Marcy: Um, three
days Mr. Johnson.
Bill: Well I think
that's long enough
for you to start
calling me Bill.
What do you think?
Marcy: Sure Bill.
Bill: Did you buzz
me for something?
Marcy: Oh yeah. Paula
Simmons is here to see you.
(shuffling)
Paula: Only three days. Huh?
Gosh! And she seems so
incredibly on top of things.
(footsteps)
Bill: Hi Paula. So what
did you find out for me?
Paula: You know Bill,
sometimes being your lawyer
is more of a headache
than being your ex-lover.
So your friend Dumbo Jim
managed to get his ass
in a major (unintelligible)
but it doesn't appear
that he actually broke any laws.
Just read the file carefully
before you go into
the hearing, okay.
I don't think you could get
yourself into any trouble
or him if you just
stick to the truth,
but of course, you
and the truth (laughs)
Marcy: Bill.
Marcy: Now how many cows do
you put in a pen with one bull?
- Bill: Uh, that would
be 20 Marcy.
- Marcy: Thank you Bill.
-Bill: Are you doing
a breeding report?
-Marcy: Uh-huh
Bill: Well make sure you
say heifers instead of cow.
Marcy: Oh cool. Thank you Bill.
Paula: Well what is a real
corporate cowboy anyway
without a little jail
bait around to keep his
chaps soiled
Right Bill? Just remember
the basics of the trade.
Virgin heifers always
breed the easiest.
By the way I'm
returning these to you.
I'll just leave them over there.
(thuds)
Might come in handy with
Einstein Ella in there
you might have to restrain some
of that unbridled intelligence.
* (jazz music)
(bullets clanking)
(shuffling)
Paula: Listen honey,
you just tell him
Paula Simmons is on the line
and he'll take the call.
Bye. Thank you. That's right.
* (harmonica country music)
(camera flash)
Elliott, photographer: Okay.
Again, and (flash)
Elliott: Jefferson would
you move that flag
a little bit please for me.
Jefferson: Yep.
Elliott: No not that
one, the other one.
Bill: It is a little
warm in here.
Genny: (laughing)
Jefferson: How's that?
Genny: Is that all right?
Elliott: Great, thank you Genny.
(laughing and giggling)
Elliott: Now one
more like this Bill
then we're going to do
you in the other outfit.
Bill: All right.
Elliott: Okay now.
Smile for me now Bill.
Elliott: Great, you
can go change now.
Genny: (giggling)
Bill: Do I have to
change the pants too?
Genny: Oh Bill (giggles)
Get going. I don't think
we have time for that.
Bill: After all this
rigmarole is over with
and I'm the president
maybe we'll make some time.
What do you think?
Genny: Oh, I don't know.
(giggles) Whoa! Mr. President.
Phyllis: You know what mother?
(chattering)
Jill: Genny. Have
they shot Bill yet?
Genny: Yeah, about 100 times.
He's already to the last outfit.
Here's the photographers's
invoice and a copy.
Jill: Could you that to me?
Jill: Okay, what I need
right now is for somebody
to nail down some
bartenders for me.
Frances, who are those
guys you always use?
Frances: Magic Beverages.
They make the Houdini Martini.
Jill: Oh yes. Bill
just loves that drink.
Okay, so who wants to wrangle
these magic guys for me.
Make a few points with
the new president.
Phyllis: Oh, I can do that.
Jill: All right
Phyllis. You're on.
Try to get them lined
up by today though.
It will give me one less
thing to worry about.
Also, a little good news to
excite Bill when he gets home.
Surprises always make
Bill so attentive.
Genny, I thought you were
helping with the portrait.
Genny: I am, but Bill
went to the bridge room
to change his clothes.
Jill: Do me a favor.
Remind him to get
measured for his tuxedo.
Phyllis: You know
something Jill.
I think I'll make
these phone calls
in the little hallway
in the office.
Um, that way, um,
you won't be bothered
by my talking on the phone.
Jill: Okay, no prob.
Frances: Bye bye darlin'
* (harmonica country music)
Bill: Jesus.
Phyllis: Gotcha! (laughing)
Bill: Phyllis, don't
scare me like that.
Phyllis: You got
to get braver Bill.
The president isn't supposed
to be such a scaredy-cat.
Bill: Look honey, being
in here together like this
is kind of dangerous.
Phyllis: I know...
Bill: They're waiting
on me out there.
Phyllis: Who's waiting on you?
Bill: Oh come on honey.
Phyllis: Come on Bill, come on.
Bill: By the way did
you ever track down
who sent you Parker's gun?
Phyllis: I don't care
who sent me Parker's gun,
quite frankly, honey,
I've been a little bit sneaky
myself these days. (laughs)
- Phyllis: (laughing)
- (knocking)
Bill: Oh geez!
Sally: Oh, Miss Tyler.
Phyllis: Hi Sally.
Sally: I was looking
for Mr. Johnson.
Bill: Sally. (chuckles)
Sally: I called out.
Bill: Yeah-yeah, I
just finished dressing
and Phyllis, Miss Tyler,
she just came in here to...
Phyllis: Well I just came here
to show Bill what showed up.
Look at this Sally. It's
daddy's snake pistol.
Can you believe it?
Somebody must have
just found it.
Look at this Bill. Feel
it. Feel how heavy it is.
Bill: Oh yeah, would
you look at that.
Phyllis: It's big too, isn't
it. Pow! Pow! Pow! (laughs)
Pow! Pow! Pow! All
right I got to go. Bye.
Bill: Bye. Can you
believe it. (chuckles)
It's funny how nobody
ever figured out
just how that gun up and
disappeared like it did.
I guess somebody
finally ran across it
out there in the grass.
Sally: I guess so Mr. Johnson.
* (guitar country music)
Jill: Genny will be waiting
for you out front at 6:30
and she'll show you
where to get dressed.
Okay. Bingo! We just got
Mariachi Escondido
What a great stroke of luck.
How on earth did you
know they were in town?
Frances: Well they are
shooting a commercial out
at my brother's place.
Jill: Oh! Hi Paula.
Listen, thank you
so much for coming,
but I just did not
know who else to call.
Jerry is out of town
and well Bill said.
Paula: So I'm here.
Of course, there are
a lot of male lawyers
that belong to this club too,
but hey, a problem solved
with a woman's touch
is much less likely to jump up,
and bite you in the ass,
again. Now isn't it?
Jill: Especially
if it's man-made.
Paula: (chuckle) Most are.
So what's the...
Jill: I think it was
Ike who once said
that "since all our
problems are man-made
they can therefore
be solved by a man
since man can be as
big as he wants to be."
Paula: Yeah, and meanwhile
Mamie is back
at the White House taking
care of the plumbing.
So, what do you need from me?
Jill: We're trying to
get the new floodlights
installed by Friday
and the county said
the city should do
it and the city says
that we're in the
county's territory.
Paula: Oh, and the
Amarillo city limit line
runs right down the
spine of this clubhouse.
Doesn't it? (dialing)
Paula: (on phone)
County commissioner.
Jefferson: Oh hang
onto this. Turn it off.
Genny: There, let
me fix that for you.
Bill: Got anything
else that needs fixing?
Genny: (laughs) Yeah,
just the police report
if your wife finds my
lipstick on your collar
Bill: (laughs) Does the word
spinner mean anything to you?
Genny: Oh Bill. Are
you a fisherman too?
* (guitar country music)
Paula: Oh thank you so much.
Jill: Well that was easy.
Paula: I used to date
the county commissioner.
Phyllis: Hi mother.
Phyllis: What you doing?
Frances: Just trying to help
Jill with this light problem.
Which reminds me I brought you
a little something
for the apartment.
Jill: Phyllis, any luck
with those bartenders?
Phyllis: What? (coughing)
Oh yeah-yeah.
I'm waiting for an answer.
Oh my God that is
so cool. What is it?
Frances: It's a clapper.
Phyllis: A clapper.
What's a clapper?
Frances: One of those devices
you hook up to your lights
so if you don't want
to walk all the way
to the switch to
turn it on and off,
you just clap your
hands real hard
and the noise makes
it happen. (claps)
Phyllis: Wow!
Frances: I'll come over
to your apartment tonight,
and I'll show you
exactly how it works
and I'll fix your
garbage disposal.
Phyllis: Well if that
isn't the cleverest thing.
You mean you just clap your
hands like this (claps)
Elliott: Excellent.
Well that about does it.
Bill: Good. Well
that was painless.
Elliott, thanks a lot.
- Bill: Fred.
- Fred: Yeah.
Bill: I appreciate it.
Fred: My pleasure.
- Bill: Jefferson.
- Jefferson: Yes sir?
- Bill: Thanks a million.
- Jefferson: You're welcome
Mr. Johnson
Bill: Got you off
that grass-cutter
for a while. Didn't I?
Jefferson: Yes sir, you
sure did, Mr. Johnson.
Bill: Hey partner, put it there.
I appreciate it. (chuckle) Yeah.
Genny: Here I'll
take that for you.
Sally: Your wife
says don't forget
to get measured for
your tuxedo, sir.
Jefferson: six foot two,
195-196, Jacket 44 long,
Bill: That's amazing
Jefferson. How'd you know that?
Jefferson: Something
my daddy taught me.
He said he could always judge a
man's weight by his handshake.
Bill: Oh yeah. What
did your daddy do?
Jefferson: He was an undertaker.
* (guitar music)
Bill: Buenos noches,
Senior. Habla English.
Julio: What can I do for you?
Bill: I'm here to see
Miss Senorita Tyler.
Julio: She's not here right now.
Bill: First, I have a question
for you. Por favor.
There was a package
delivered here
last noche about oh two o'clock.
Julio: It was Tyler
202 I ran it up.
Bill: Oh, oh great.
It's Julio. Right?
Julio, do you know anything
about that
package who delivered it?
Julio: I can't say. I
got here about 7:45.
The box was already
on the table.
Bill: I appreciate it.
Thank you. Muchos gracias.
Julio: No prob.
* (country music)
(opens door)
(door creaking)
(silence)
(door slams shut)
(footsteps)
- Bill: Phyllis.
- Frances: Phyllis?
Frances: Who's there?
(scoff) Uh, who's there?
Bill: Who's there?
(cricket noise)
(click)
Frances: Bill, (deep breath in)
what are you doing here?
Bill: Frances. (nervous chuckle)
(deep breath) It's you.
Frances: Yeah. (chuckles)
Bill: Phyllis wanted me
to stop by on my way home,
(lowered voice)
and take a look something here.
Wanted me to take a
look at Parker's gun.
Seems that somebody
sent it to her,
and she wasn't sure
if it was his or not
so she wondered if I could
come by and take a peek.
I know that gun like the
back of my hand, you know.
Frances: Is it this one?
Bill: Um, (clears throat) yeah,
yeah, that's the gun all right.
Frances: Phyllis gave it
to me at the club today.
She knows this is
her daddy's gun.
Bill: Oh, good.(nervous chuckle)
I'll just go on home then.
Frances: Well, uh, how did
you happen to have a key
to my daughter's apartment?
Bill: Um, well
she gave it to me.
Yeah, it seems that she said
that I'd probably beat her here,
so, you know, she had to
stop for gas or something
and she gave me the
key (nervous chuckle)
to open that...
I'll just leave it right here.
Frances: All righty.
Phyllis: Bill. Oh my God.
What a great surprise.
I wasn't expecting you.
Bill: Phyllis, there's
somebody there. (clap)
There's somebody here Phyllis.
(lights go on)
(crickets)
- Phyllis: Mother.
- Bill: (nervous chuckle)
Told you.
Phyllis: Oh wow. Hi mother.
So, mother,
that um clapper thing,
I see what you mean. What a cool
idea. (claps - lights go off)
(laughs) Oh I love it.
(claps - lights go on)
You know, how many times
are you really, really
tired on the sofa and
you're halfway into a nap
and then you have to get
up and turn off the lights,
and you are so bummed out
because it wakes you up again.
Or better yet think of the
fun you can have at parties
with this, Halloween for sure.
(door closes and Bill leaves)
Phyllis: Oh mother you
are so clever. (cries)
* (harmonic jazz music)
Phyllis: (crying)
Frances: Phyllis. I just
don't know what to say.
Phyllis: (crying)
Frances: I just, I just
don't know what to say.
* (harmonica jazz music)
I really don't know what to say.
Phyllis: (crying)
(silence)
(door closes)
* (Bruce Henderson
"Swimming Through the Ashes") *
Bill: Hey the clicker on that
garage door is not working.
Jill: Well you're early.
Bill: Yeah.
Jill: You said on the
machine that you were...
Bill: I changed my mind.
I'm a little too
tired for tennis.
* I can't hate
you for the things you do *
Bill: Damn this
lazy Susan thing.
I mean it's not the
ideal liquor cabinet.
The guy was definitely
not a drinker.
Jill: What guy?
Bill: That John Quincy
Adams or Rutherford B. Hayes
whoever the hell
invented... (mumbling)
Grover Cleveland,
Warren Harding,
yeah that's it little
teetotaler Warren
got to be
one of his... (mumbling)
Jill: No dear. It was Jefferson.
Bill: ( deep sigh) Well
whatever, okay.
Jill: For the record
Harding wasn't a teetotaler.
He was a huge drinker.
Famous for staying out
all night carousing around
getting tanked up with his pals.
He died suddenly, you know,
on a vacation train
trip with his wife.
She wouldn't let
them do an autopsy.
Cool as a cucumber
at the funeral too.
It was never really determined
what Harding died of.
I think the wife just got
tired of his messing around,
and she poisoned him.
What do you think?
Bill: What's for dinner?
* (Mexican music)
(chatter)
Bill: How y'all folks tonight?
Hey Steve. Thanks a
lot. Good to see you.
* (Mexican music)
- Waiter: (gives notes to Bill)
- Bill: What's this?
(laughing)
* (jazz music)
(chatter)
* (jazz music)
(chatter continues)
Frances: (cries)
* (jazz music)
(louder chatter)
Bill: Yeah. Boys, I got to
go see a man about a dog.
(keys clanking)
(toilet flushes)
(zipper up and down)
Bill: (laughs) You
scared me Sally.
Sally: I didn't think
anything scared you, sir.
Bill: Oh come on, we'll
all grown-up people here.
Sally: So what are you doing
up here missing your big party?
Bill: Well I'm... What
are you doing up here?
Sally: Well somebody's got
to keep all the ladies dry.
Bill: (mumbles)
* (Mexican music)
* (jazz music)
(door closes)
Sally: Well, how's it
going out there Miss Tyler?
How are you and all those
First Ladies making out. Huh?
Phyllis: Oh, everybody
is having a blast.
But you know something Sally,
a certain one of us might
be a little bit more first
than what appear
to the naked eye.
Sally: The only problem about
being first is staying first.
- Paula: Phyllis. Sacred Rose?
- Phyllis: Huh?
Paula: Your lipstick.
That's the name of the
color. Isn't it? Sacred Rose.
Phyllis: Uh, yeah.
Paula: How long have you worn
that Sacred Rose color Phyllis?
Phyllis: I don't know. Why?
Paula: Well what a pity.
Even sacred roses eventually
fade, wilt, and die a sad
death in time. Don't they?
Phyllis: I don't know what
you're talking about Paula.
Paula: Well let me
explain it to you Phyllis.
While you've been
sitting there flashing
your adorable
little Scarlet smile
your sacred president,
it appears has developed
a certain little fondness
for a new shade of pink.
Pink Surrender, I
think it's called.
Genny: Hi girlfriends!
(closing door)
Paula: Sit here honey.
It's still warm.
Genny: Oh thank you.
Phyllis: Genny.
What an adorable
shade of lipstick that is.
* (jazz music)
Bill: God, oh crap, damn coots.
* ( jazz music)
- Frances: Hello Bill.
- Bill: Frances.
Frances:(breath out) Nice
night isn't it?
Bill: Yeah.
Frances: Oh yeah.
It's a perfect night
to feel the fresh
air on your skin.
The moonlight, the breeze,
to be naked under the stars.
Bill: I'm just out here
thinking about Parker.
Frances: Oh, isn't
that wonderful
because I was just thinking
I'd caught me a rattlesnake.
(rattlesnake hissing)
(silence)
* (jazz music)
Bill: Frances put that down.
Frances: Shut up Bill.
Shut up and listen.
Bill: Look, if this
is about Phyllis.
Frances: I said shut up.
(silent lull) Good.
Now that you understand me,
here's what you're gonna do.
Take off your clothes.
Bill: (laughs) Look honey,
I don't know what you...
Phyllis: Now Bill. Take your
clothes off, all of them
or I'll shoot you sure
as I'm standing here.
Phyllis: That's just a
little bolder
than what you
normally wear. Isn't it?
Genny: I just bought it last
week. Isn't it to die for?
Genny: Lacy's has
a whole new line.
They got this whole
rack that they call
smashing virgin lip
shades for the real woman.
Phyllis: Oh well that
is a fabulous lip color.
It's just perfect for
your skin tone I think.
Oh wait a second.
You missed a little bit
of your bottom line.
Do you mind if I get your lips
for you?
Genny: Oh well thank you.
Be careful. Not too much.
Phyllis: All right. It
will just take a tad more.
Genny: You know
(unintelligible mumbling)
Phyllis: I just think you
need a little more lipstick.
- Genny: Wait a minute, no.
- Phyllis: (yelling) Hold still!
Paula: Oh, y'all
don't want to go in.
Somebody just got sick in there.
Frances: Sacred number
seven hole. Oh my.
Let me see. Oh wait a minute.
Bill, I think we better
clean you up first.
Isn't that the routine? Sure.
We need to clean you up.
* (jazz music)
Bill: Are you kidding?
(chatter)
Man: Paula, you look great.
Paula: This seat is reserved
for the new president.
So move along.
Frances: Oh don't be
such a crybaby Bill.
It's not the first time
you've had your pants off.
Bill: Look Frances.
I can understand you
being upset about Phyllis.
Frances: Sure I'm
upset. Who wouldn't be?
Bill: Okay, then let's just
talk about it then. All right?
Frances: What is
there to talk about?
What's done is done.
Bill: Okay, I know that I'm
partially to blame. Okay?
But you got to understand
it. Phyllis was the one...
Frances: What makes you
think this is about Phyllis?
Oh my, my, such a short memory.
And what else could
this possibly be about?
It's about that
night. Isn't it Bill?
You know which night I'm
talking about. Don't you?
Bill: (silent lull) Yes.
Frances: So tell me Bill.
What happened at the
Christmas party that night?
In your own words. Your version.
Bill: Frances (sighs)
it wasn't any big deal.
You just had too much to drink.
Frances: You wouldn't
even hold me.
You didn't even have the decency
to put your arms
around me and hold me.
You pushed me away.
You looked at me
like I was crazy,
and then you pushed me away,
walked out the door
and left me there.
You can put the rest
of you into anywhere,
and into anything that
crawled or breathed,
and after all that you turn
around and go after my daughter.
How could you do that
to my little girl?
How could you do that to Parker?
Did my little girl fight like
that when you handcuffed her?
Bill: (yelling)
Oh go to hell Frances.
Your innocent little girl.
She delighted in
every minute of it.
She couldn't get enough
as a matter of fact.
Taught me a few new tricks.
And as for your perfect husband
Parker, the model president,
the president that Bill
Johnson could never be.
Well let me tell you something.
Maybe you and everybody else
didn't know the real
Parker Tyler like I did.
Frances: I knew Parker Tyler.
I loved Parker Tyler.
Parker Tyler was my friend.
And you Bill Johnson
I know Parker Tyler.
* (jazz music)
(footsteps)
Bill: (yelling) Frances!
Bill: Frances come back here.
Don't treat me like this.
Frances please.
Phyllis: I'm going to show that
Mr. President a thing or two.
I'm going to show him just
how the cow chews the cabbage.
You know what I mean?
Paula: Well I think you
should do that honey,
Phyllis: That's right.
You can only walk on
the worms so often.
I'm telling you the hogs
have left the pigpen Paula.
I'm telling you that.
- Paula: (laughing)
- Phyllis: (laughing)
What is so funny?
Paula: You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Phyllis: (yelling) And I'm going
to be an independent,
liberated, uptight woman
like you Paula. Hallelujah!
* (jazz music)
Genny: Mr. Harlan
what are you drinking?
Mr. Harlan: This
is whiskey dear.
Genny: Can I have some of that?
Mr. Harlan: You sure can.
Genny: Thank you.
Genny: Hi girlfriends.
(silent lull)
Why y'all looking
at me like that?
All right. I know what you think
that I'm dumb or
immature or something.
Like I just fell off the
turnip truck. Go ahead.
Phyllis: No Genny
we don't think that.
I'm so sorry. I don't
know what happened.
Something just came over me.
Genny: Phyllis I swear to you,
I'm not even mad at you at all.
I swear to you I'm not mad.
* (jazz music)
Bill: Jill. Oh Jill. Oh God.
I am so glad to see you.
(nervous chuckle) Oh Jill honey.
Jill. Oh thank God it's you.
Honey, listen, I really
need you to help me here.
You know, honey, I just
need you to help me.
I can explain everything.
I can and I will,
but first I just need
you to get this...
Jill: The president needs
me, huh. (chuckle) Imagine that.
The president suddenly needs me.
You know Bill, President Wilson
was a very needy president.
For that reason he much
preferred women to men.
As a matter of fact, all
his best friends were women.
He said they were
more admiring of him,
sympathetic, (sniff) and they
never argued or interrupted.
Bill: Honey.
Jill: You know he was madly
in love with his first wife.
- he was despondent
when she died.
- Bill: Jill.
Jill: He sat by her
body for days,
and he just wrung his hands.
(water splash) Bill: Baby.
Jill: But he married
someone else right away
because you see he
really needed a wife.
Bill: Jill, Jill, I love
you and you know that.
(heavy breathing) Now honey I
know I made some mistakes.
I mean and I'll never...
Jill: You'll never
what Bill? Lust again?
You know, I bet there
are some presidents
who never lusted at all
like maybe that walrus Taft
or might have been
Buren or maybe Nixon,
the poor dear, he was just so
pitifully sexless. Wasn't he?
Bill: Jill, I'll do
anything you say.
Jill: On the other hand
you got total hounds
like Roosevelt and
Harding he was the worst,
but you know what honey,
I think that Carter
was the one who had
it all figured out.
Bill: Carter?
Jill: Yeah. Carter got it right.
Go on. Lust in your heart.
Tell Playboy about it,
and then go on home to supper,
and save yourself the
sloppy consequences.
Bill: Yeah, well it does
make the most sense, I guess.
Jill: Oh shoot. It's
almost midnight Bill.
You're going to miss the
surprise I had planned for you.
(sad voice) Gosh
what a shame. (sighs)
So Bill, you know what
Andrew Jackson said
on his way out of office.
Bill: No honey. What?
Jill: He said, quote,
I only have one regret,
that I have not shot Henry Clay
or hanged
John C. Calhoun, unquote
They just don't make
presidents like they used to.
Do they Bill?
(fireworks)
Man: Okay folks, it's time for
the candle light celebration.
Come on let's go.
(Cheering and fireworks)
* (patriotic music)
(chatter)
Paula: (laughing)
Genny: I can't believe
how (unintelligible chatter)
Phyllis: (unintelligible chatter
and laughs) That's so funny.
I wish I could think
of things like that.
Like I wish I could think
of a really cool way
to give Bill back my handcuffs.
* (patriotic music)
(chatter)
Phyllis: I wish I could think
of some really brilliant way
to give them back to Bill.
Frances: Is the search
out? Where is everybody?
Phyllis: Where's my handcuffs?
Frances: You mean I got
to make my own drink.
I will then, I certainly will.
Phyllis: Are you
having fun out there?
Frances: If I was
having any more fun
my heart would fall down
from the clouds. (laughs)
Now girls, you silly things,
shall we say hail
to our new chief.
Phyllis: No, I say the
hell with our new chief.
* (patriotic music)
(drops gun)
* (patriotic music)
Sally: Well, hey there
partner. (laughs)
I had a hunch you'd
get put back together.
And then end up
with Mrs. Johnson.
Oh well, maybe next time
I'll send you to
Saddam Hussein's babes.
Get a little world peace
started around here.
Jefferson: Sally.
Sally: Oh Hi, daddy.
Jefferson: You've got some
explaining to do young lady.
Your mother is out in the
parking lot crying her eyes out.
Sally: Mama? What
happened? What's wrong?
Jefferson: Well, she
went by your apartment
to surprise you
with a cherry pie,
and guess what she found
hanging on your bed post.
I don't know who he
is, but when I find out,
I'm going to kill him.
(rattlesnake hissing)
* (U2 singing The Beatles'
"Happiness Is a Warm Gun") *
* She's not a
girl who misses much *
* Happiness is a warm gun
* Happiness is a warm gun
* Yee haw.