Gun (1997): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Shot - full transcript
I came for the 45.
Name.
Boothe. Jack Boothe.
Oh, yeah, this is it.
Just came back yesterday,
Mr. Boothe.
She's all yours.
This is my first gun.
Awesome, Dad.
Cool, can I try it, Dad?
If either one
of them touches that gun,
I'll throw it and you
out of the house.
What?
And then we
had an earthquake yesterday.
Of course, which means we're
still getting aftershocks today.
I don't know if you
felt it this morning.
On the freeway,
the shaking was so bad
a lot of people couldn't
even hold their gun straight.
According to a survey...
And it's hot,
the grill is sizzling,
the hamburgers are cooking.
Looks like we're in
a shooting war. Oh hell.
Please listen.
If you don't, if you won't,
if you fail to understand and the same...
I've taken all the riding
from you I'm going to take.
Get up and shoot it out.
I wish you
were the wishing well.
You talking to me?
I could tie a bucket
to you and sink you.
Pow!
What was that? What happened? Whoa,
Dad.
Shhh.
Out.
Come on,
man, hurry up!
Just get
in the car and drive.
Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, oh, yeah
Are they going to torture
me all the way to my last on ramp?
Harvey,
do want to get us shot?
Hey, way to go, Dad.
Pull around and
I'll flash him signs.
Just keep
your hand in your lap.
You keep
yours off the horn.
Unbelievable.
How can you live in a place
where a little toot on the horn
or a respectable little flip-off
is going to get you killed?
What have I been
thinking all these years?
You don't have any regrets do you,
honey?
No, I gave it my shot.
I've never lived any
place this long in my life.
What have I got to show for it?
Two episodes of Dynasty.
Don't forget Murder,
She Wrote.
That was a cameo.
No.
Yeah,
it was just a cameo.
How can
you call it a cameo?
You're not a celebrity.
What?
Dad, it's called an extra.
Whatever.
Dora, you put up with this place
for the best 10 years of your life.
Buck,
you gave me all the years of your life
and now it's payback
because I am ready to go.
I'm like one of those
oil tankers out at sea.
Once you get me going in this direction,
you cannot turn me around.
Like the Exxon Valdez?
That's a good Angelino name,
isn't it?
Valdez?
Why don't you call me Valdez?
Until we get out of California,
you call me Valdez.
Then what
will we call you?
Then you, well,
you can call me Beauregard.
That's a good Virginia name.
Well, Beau,
I would be most obliged
if you would kindly pull
over at the next Minimart
and purchase me a mint yulep,
I have a terrible thirst.
Oh, lovely.
Burn this memorable image into your brains,
my friends.
I'll leave the car running in case
you have to make a quick getaway.
Lock the door.
Need change, man?
What's
the matter with you?
And 36 and 58...
In Virginia you
have to actually be able
to add 7 and 11
to get a job there.
What a concept, huh?
Whoa.
Count your pennies.
I don't got it.
Three, three, three.
Take it from
the "take a penny."
Two.
For God's sake,
man, just give it to him, huh?
No, sir, I can't.
This man is coming here
every day asking for two pennies,
three pennies,
two pennies, every day.
No, this is business,
two pennies.
Next week,
I'll come in next week.
Hey bud, keep the change.
Thank you.
How much are
these red licorice?
Oh, that looks good,
very attractive.
Can't wait to pop one
of those in my mouth.
I took the ones
I dropped on the floor.
Thanks a lot, man.
And a pack of smokes.
Must be 18.
I am 18, man.
Must have ID.
Bull! You never
asked for it before.
No,
I know, it's new rule.
Must have ID.
Oh, you are a loser, dude.
No, I'm not loser.
It's not my fault, it's the law.
No ID, so sale.
Just give him the
cigarettes. Just give him the cigarettes!
No, it's the law.
I will buy the cigarettes,
OK, I'll buy then.
What do you want,
filtered, non-filtered, huh?
You want a carton or something?
Yeah.
Give him a carton of anything,
all right?
Let's move this along here.
Here you go.
I hear they're no more
addictive than milk.
Smoke your lungs out and die!
All right, just be on your way.
Thanks for coming by,
all right, take it easy.
Yes!
Everybody
put their hands up!
Do it now!
Get out the way!
Do you know how
long I've been waiting in line?
Shut up, man.
Damn, man,
there's only $200.
I put the
rest in the bank.
Do you realize how easy it
would be to make $200 legitimately,
with very little down side?
I said shut up, man!
Oh, boy,
I don't know what could be taking him...
You stay here, Buck.
Hey,
pick me up some red licorice.
This is exactly why I
am moving the hell out of this town!
The crime and the stupidity!
You talk too much,
white boy.
White boy.
Oh. great,
now it's a racial thing.
Is that this is about, huh?
The oppressed black
man seeking retribution
for the sins of my great-great-grandfather,
huh?
Well I'll tell you, pal,
my great-great-grandfather
was a lousy tailor in Latvia,
so it's not my fault!
Ahhhh! Harvey,
Harvey, are you all right?
Come on, man, let's go!
Buck!
Dad!
Buck!
Stop the car!
Stop the damn car!
Pull over!
Freeze!
Come on. Hey,
call 911, call 911!
Way to go, Dad!
There it goes,
my good luck piece.
We're going
to need you to stick around
a few extra days, help us identify
the other perp when we get him.
We were just on
our way to Virginia, actually,
to get away from crime.
There's crime everywhere,
Harvey.
When a bullet's
got your name on it,
there's no dodging it.
Detective Jimenez is going to
get you a room at the Pink Motel.
It's on us.
Hello, hello, hello.
Harvey, I'm Kathleen Sullivan.
Kathleen Sullivan!
What are you doing?
Aren't you an anchor?
Well,
you know how it is.
Got bumped by some little
blonde from Buffalo or Syracuse.
But enough about me.
Harvey,
Harvey Hockhelder, isn't it?
Hochfelder.
Hockhelder. You are a bonafide,
certified hero.
Now, tell me, how did it feel?
What was going through
your mind when you were
chasing after that thug?
I don't know, nothing.
I mean, my son was in danger,
my dog was in danger.
Everything that I love
was in that car driving away
and I just wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
"I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore."
Those fighting words from
this mild mannered family man,
dog-lover,
an out of work actor who acted,
by everyone's account,
as a hero.
Now, Harvey,
on our local hero scale of 1 to 10,
of course 10 being the best,
Harvey you get a 10-plus.
Nice job, Dad.
You look great, Harvey.
You think?
I don't know,
they had that light straight on me.
That's not really my best angle.
That was you?
Yeah.
Right on, my friend.
You're something
else. Muy bueno.
No wonder you got
all these messages.
Messages?
Yeah,
all of a sudden the phone started ringing.
Too much.
Look at this. KNX,
KFW, Michael Jackson.
Whoa, whoa,
wait, Michael Jackson?
No, honey,
not that Michael Jackson,
the radio Michael Jackson.
Oh.
You know, in a weird way,
after all these years,
this could be the shot
I've been waiting for.
Hey, Dad,
the 11:00 news is coming.
Yes? Yes,
this is she. Really? Okay. Okay.
Harvey,
hurry up. It's The Today Show on the phone.
Yes. Oh, yes,
Miss Couric. Oh, Katie.
Well, hang on just second,
Harvey's in the bathroom.
Coming up,
the story of Harvey Hochfelder.
You have to tell Katie Couric
I'm in the bathroom?
Sorry.
Hello?
Yeah, sure thing,
Mr. Leno, tomorrow night.
Yeah, that'll be great.
Hey, say, Jay, look,
if it's not too much of an imposition
I was wondering,
kind of cramped for space here.
It's hard to sleep and I just
thought it might go better
if we had a place that had,
you know, like maybe a spa
or massage or... Wow,
the Hilton?
Dad, watch this.
Buck,
don't jump on the other people, honey.
Would
you stop screaming?
It's a classy place here.
Mr. Hochfelder.
Thank you.
Hello?
Mr. Hochfelder,
I think you are
incredibly brave and I think
you're incredibly handsome.
Oh,
what show did you catch me on?
Agent.
Oh.
All of them.
But my favorite one is The Harvey Show,
live, right across the pool.
Oh, God.
It's a talent artist agent, TAA.
I'm in
room 214 and it's big and lonely
and I can get up there any
time that you can get away.
Oh, gee,
golly. I don't know what to say.
Say you'll come.
Oh, God. I'm going to
have to talk this over with my people.
I'll get back to you.
I'll wait for you,
Harvey.
Okay, bye.
Harvey, TAA.
Yeah, well,
I told them I'd think it over.
What's to think?
That's what she said.
What's her name?
What?
What's her name?
Oh, I forgot to ask.
Oh, well,
I'm sure she'll call you back.
I am sure.
Buck, woohoo! Good one!
Mr. Hochfelder.
Me again.
Hello?
Second from the left,
that's him.
You sure?
100%. I was
standing right next to the guy.
Take him out.
Does he know I'm here?
Yeah,
he knows you're here.
He's been through
the routine before.
What's he doing?
Mad-dogging you.
What's that?
Well,
to be honest, in gang speak,
that means you're dead.
Buck, get the door,
will you honey,
but ask who it is first.
Hey, Buck.
Who is it?
Dad.
It's me.
Well, Harvey,
where have you been?
You look good.
Thank you, honey,
you've been gone so long.
It was
him. They got him.
Harvey, I'm so glad, ow, Harvey,
what have you got in your pocket?
Cool line
you're supposed to say is,
"Is that a gun in your pocket or
are you just happy to see me?"
Oh, wow,
Dad, can I try it?
This is not a toy, okay?
This is a lethal weapon.
Many a person has been
killed for failing to realize that.
Why do you have it,
Harvey?
That's why I was late.
After I ID'd the guy,
he practically confessed in the lineup.
They got the whole
thing on video.
So the police thought,
'cause the guy's in a gang,
and just to be safe,
that I should carry.
So I asked Detective Jimenez,
our friend, I said,
"Could I have this gun?
'Cos this is my lucky gun."
He said he didn't
know 'cuz it's evidence.
I said, "Let me talk to the DA,
I want it."
So I went down and
talked to the DA and ta-da!
Harvey,
you talked to the DA?
Yeah.
Wow, Dad, can I shoot it
once like out the window or something?
No, Buck.
This is for our protection,
okay?
Consider yourself lucky
if we never fire this thing.
Harvey, are we in danger?
Not if we're careful.
Hello? Oh, yes,
yes, just a minute please.
It's TAA.
Hello?
That's great, Harvey.
We were thinking along
the lines of a TV movie.
A TV movie?
Yup.
$100,000, huh?
Yup.
Why not a real movie,
huh? A feature.
Harvey,
Harvey. This is perfect for TV.
TV ratings are generated
by current events.
Hot topics. Look, they did the OJ
movie even before he was innocent.
They put Fox on the map.
They did baby Jessica before
she was taken out of that damn pipe.
You know what kind of
ratings those things pulled in?
It's huge, you hear me?
But you got to act on this now,
Harvey, okay,
because there's
no tomorrow in TV.
Okay, okay, all right.
And, I'll star, huh?
You out of your mind?
We need a real star.
See,
ratings are generated by stars.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're generated
by current events.
Development is generated
by current events, Harvey, okay?
A movie is nothing
without a star.
Then we'll get a star,
okay, to play my wife, Dora.
We'll get Michelle Pfeiffer
or Meg Ryan or Meryl Streep.
Look, you can have the rights for free,
okay?
For free?
No, no, no, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait a second, wait a second.
Harvey, Harvey,
for free is ridiculous.
You don't make any money,
we don't make any money.
Nothing is for
free in this town.
For free?
And background!
Michelle Pfeiffer
is not going to do TV.
Meg Ryan.
Not going to do TV.
Wait a minute,
this isn't just TV, okay?
We're talking the cover
of Newsweek here.
Harvey,
they're not going to do TV.
What we need is a
serious TV name here.
You know what's
the problem with you guys?
No guts, no glory.
Just make an offer to Sharon
Stone or Michelle Pfeiffer.
We got to get a beautiful woman.
You know who'd be perfect?
Kathy Ireland.
Oh, my God.
My son was in danger,
my dog was in danger.
I didn't know what to do.
I just knew I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
I just knew I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
My son was in danger,
my dog was in danger.
I didn't know what
I was going to do.
I just knew I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
I just knew I wasn't going
lie down and take it anymore.
Hello? Hello, Kathy?
Yo,
you gonna die white boy.
Hello. Hello?
Havey, Harv,
open up, Harvey.
There's someone
here I want you to meet.
Kathy Ireland!
Hello, Harvey,
it's wonderful to meet you.
Oh,
I'm so excited to meet you!
You're playing my wife!
I mean,
this is almost better than the real thing!
Oh, God!
Harvey,
is that a gun in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
Oh,
I'm so happy.
First they
get us the Hilton,
now they get us this house.
Here, boy.
Hey, Buck,
go check it out.
Wow, awesome, Dad.
Now,
don't get too attached to this place.
No problem.
Harvey,
is that lipstick on your collar?
No, that's nothing.
That's not nothing,
Harvey, that's lipstick.
Well,
I met the actress who's going to play you
in the movie today,
she gave me a hug that's all.
Guess who's going to
play you in the movie?
Oh, Harvey,
we were going to move to Virginia.
We were going to buy a farm.
We're still
going to move to Virginia,
but now when I get you there,
we're going to be so rich,
I'm going to buy you Monticello.
You gave up your
salary to star in this thing.
It's a down
payment on my career.
What was
the last 10 years?
Dora, look, I've been
waiting for this my whole life, okay?
This is my shot, I can feel it.
What happened to the
tanker who couldn't turn around?
It didn't turn around,
it just stopped to pay a
call on Port of Paradise here.
Port of Paradise. Honey. Honey!
That's
our man right there.
Harvey!
Hi, Kathy, how are you?
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know,
this scene is really pretty good.
Yeah,
but the bedroom stuff is all cliché.
Why does every movie have to
have the man and woman in bed?
We are husband and wife,
I mean in the movie.
So what?
Everyone knows what husbands
and wives do behind closed doors.
Nothing.
What are
you talking about?
My wife and I do lots of
things behind closed doors.
I mean, we used to, anyway.
When the scene takes place,
most definitely we did.
It doesn't
advance the plot.
What are
you talking about?
He would not risk his life if
he wasn't in love with his wife.
We have to establish their
torrid feelings for each other
to motivate the act
of heroism at the end.
Are you saying if
your wife wasn't putting out,
you would have let
your son be kidnapped?
No, Kathy,
Kathy, we have got to let
the audience see
how much fun they are.
We got to let them see Harvey as a viral,
vital man
who's desirable as well
as incredibly adorable.
How do I
know he's desirable?
How do I know
this before the act?
Just the way
he carries himself.
The way he provides for you.
The way he satisfies
your every need.
The way he desires you.
The way his heart
pounds when he's near you.
The way his hands burn
when he touches you.
Oh, oh...
Harvey, wait.
Let's save ourselves
for the scene.
Our feelings will be so intense,
so incredibly real,
we'll explode on the screen.
Yeah,
yeah, yeah, I see it.
It'll be incredible.
They'll be talking
about it on all the shows.
Did they? Didn't they? All
America will want to know.
Hello? It's for you.
Thanks, hey, hello.
Better get home,
white boy.
For crying out loud.
Where'd you learn to drive,
Sears?
Yo, man,
you got our homies locked up,
so now we want to kill you, man.
I did not get
your homies locked up.
Man, you got him fingered.
Yeah.
Technically,
I fingered one.
I collared the other.
Technically,
we gonna bust a cap up in you, bust a cap.
Wait, wait,
wait. That doesn't make any sense.
You're just going
to get in trouble.
Man,
we're already in trouble, man.
We pop you it won't
make no damn difference.
Are you kidding?
Do you know who I am?
Do you know how famous
I am in this country?
If you kill me,
they're going send the FBI.
They're going to send
the National Guard.
No, no,
you messed with our homies, man.
So you got to get that,
all right?
Word up!
It's as simple as that.
That's the way it goes down in the hood,
baby.
That doesn't
make any sense.
How is getting me got going
to help your friends, huh?
Now kidnapping,
that would make sense.
I mean,
I don't have a lot of money.
They studio's got a lot of money and maybe,
you know?
Now you're making some sense,
fool.
Yeah, but kidnapping's a
very difficult crime to get away with.
Look at Leopold and Loeb,
for instance.
Those guys are geniuses,
they couldn't even get away with it.
What you
trying to say that makes us?
Yeah, what,
what, you heard him.
I got it, hey,
I got a way you guys
can really make
something out of this.
You can be in my movie.
What?
You guys can play
your homies in the show.
That way you don't have some
stupid actors screwing up the part.
You guys will be there,
you'll get it right, right?
And you can make a lot
of money in the process.
Picture it, huh?
You guys are out there,
it's the climactic scene, right?
You're the agents of change,
you're the antagonists.
Why would
you call us names?
It's a good thing.
Every movie has an
antagonist and a protagonist.
Protagonist, that's me,
right, I'm the star,
and the guy who screws
with the protagonist,
that's the antagonist,
that's you guys, right?
Like Hepburn and Tracy,
Bogart and Bacall, we'll be co-stars.
Hey,
don't be screwing with us, man.
No, no, no,
nothing can happen without me.
No one can sneeze without me.
I'm in charge.
You sure?
Hey, we're there, huh?
Okay,
right there and right there.
Now you do realize the
agency collects 10% off the top.
What the hell you mean 10%,
man?
Okay, fine, 5.
Okay, man,
what up, what up?
How about that,
the next Wesley and Denzel
are going to be in my movie,
huh?
Boys, boys, you've got
to go straight over to the studio
for a fitting, you shoot day 3.
We don't want those
girls working overtime.
All right,
you're gonna be great, guys, really.
Okay, call the police.
What? What
are you talking about?
Those guys,
they kidnapped me right out of my car.
I just promised them a
part in the movie 'cause
they were going to kill me.
What?
Why would they kill you?
Because it was their
homies that held up the Minimart.
This is payback time.
What's the problem?
Harvey,
we have a contract with them.
We can't just break a contract.
What?
Are you kidding me?
Harvey, we just made an
arrangement with those two boys.
We can't go back on our word.
What do you think this is?
This is Hollywood.
Get someone to
take Harvey to his car.
I got to tell you,
Harvey, I'm with him.
Those boys are sensational.
They could be the
next Wesley and Denzel.
Are you
out of your minds?
They tried to kill me.
Yeah,
but now they're clients.
Harvey, you're a genius.
Hello?
Dora?
Dora?
Dora. Dora! You okay?!
Hey, you scared me.
Wait till you hear what
happened to me today.
I don't want to hear about your day,
Harvey.
I'm sick of hearing
about your days.
I was kidnapped at gunpoint,
that's why I was late.
I just don't care anymore.
You don't care?
Well, let's just say,
I don't believe you.
It's all lies.
Lies? I'm
telling you the truth.
Lies, Harvey.
Just like moving
to Virginia was a lie.
That was never a lie.
Okay, you were there.
We were headed for the freeway.
You're the one that
wanted the damn diet soda.
So now it's my fault.
No, it's nobody's fault.
Events beyond our control have taken place,
okay?
Oh, Harvey, that's bull!
Nothing's beyond our control.
We can walk away
whenever we want.
What? And give up
everything I ever worked for?
Dora, this is God.
This is God standing before me and saying,
"Harvey,
here it is,
this is your big shot."
You deserve this,
enjoy it while it lasts.
And he's telling
me and Buck to stuff it?
We have to give up everything
that we've worked for?
Is that fair?
I can't,
I can't do anything about that, okay?
God's plan is a secret.
Your plan is a secret,
Harvey.
You think I don't
realize that you've been
carrying on with that actress?
What are
you talking about?
You smell
of cheap perfume.
Cheap?
Go ahead, Harvey,
defend her perfume.
Make my day!
Honey,
we were rehearsing.
It's called method acting, okay?
We have to be
comfortable with each other
or else it's going
to look phony.
All the great actors do it.
You should be honored
that I care enough
to make sure that our relationship
is depicted correctly on film.
People are going to say, "Gosh,
they really, really loved each other."
I'm doing it for you, honey.
Don't think that it's easy.
Well,
I'm going to spare you
ever having to go
through that ordeal again.
You see her one more
time and we're through,
Buck and I are gone.
What?
You heard me.
I have to see her.
We're doing a movie together.
Choose, Harvey.
This is ridiculous.
That's my bottom line.
I have
to get some sleep.
We film tomorrow!
This could cost me zillions
and zillions of dollars.
I could be sued!
Sued for money
or sued for divorce,
either way you're
sued and screwed.
You can't do this.
Choose!
This isn't fair.
Life isn't fair, Harvey.
Okay,
you win. You win! You win.
Change the oil every 3,000 miles
and send me a postcard
when you get there.
Harvey, Harvey,
where you been?
Come on,
we got a whole set waiting here.
Wait, wait,
what's the shot?
Lay the shot out for me.
Okay,
we're going do it all in one.
We start in tight
on a snow scene.
It's a little New
England village.
We pull back to reveal it's a child's toy,
a snow shaker.
We pull back further to
reveal you're holding it,
staring at it.
You're in bed
with Kathy Ireland.
Kathy looks at you and says,
"What's going on?"
You say to her,
"We're moving to Virginia."
She's overwhelmed
by this knowledge.
She makes mad,
passionate love to you.
I love that.
Great, let's go do it.
Wait, wait, wait,
why New England?
Why a New England snow scene?
Because that's
what's in the script.
But we're
moving to Virginia.
Virginia, New England,
they both have seasons,
they're back east somewhere.
Okay, think of it as an homage to RKO,
an homage to Wells.
It's a snow shaker, right?
It's a rose bud.
That's great,
that's great, that's great.
Kathy!
Kathy, please.
I want you I need you
Harvey, control yourself,
would you, please?
Save it for the shot.
Clear the set!
Clear the set please.
Everybody clear out,
here we go.
Let's go people.
Here we go, lover boy.
And lights.
Camera, and action!
The Harvey Hochfelder story,
scene 1, shot 1.
Ah!
Aaaaahhhh! Aaaaaahhhh!
Tonight,
startling footage that will shock you.
Graphic videotape of a
convenience store robbery
that left one man dead
and a family fatherless.
Also, Bongo the chimp has twins
and the Dodgers and Padres
head-to-head in a southland slug-fest.
It's all coming up at 11.
Yee-haw!
Name.
Boothe. Jack Boothe.
Oh, yeah, this is it.
Just came back yesterday,
Mr. Boothe.
She's all yours.
This is my first gun.
Awesome, Dad.
Cool, can I try it, Dad?
If either one
of them touches that gun,
I'll throw it and you
out of the house.
What?
And then we
had an earthquake yesterday.
Of course, which means we're
still getting aftershocks today.
I don't know if you
felt it this morning.
On the freeway,
the shaking was so bad
a lot of people couldn't
even hold their gun straight.
According to a survey...
And it's hot,
the grill is sizzling,
the hamburgers are cooking.
Looks like we're in
a shooting war. Oh hell.
Please listen.
If you don't, if you won't,
if you fail to understand and the same...
I've taken all the riding
from you I'm going to take.
Get up and shoot it out.
I wish you
were the wishing well.
You talking to me?
I could tie a bucket
to you and sink you.
Pow!
What was that? What happened? Whoa,
Dad.
Shhh.
Out.
Come on,
man, hurry up!
Just get
in the car and drive.
Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, oh, yeah
Are they going to torture
me all the way to my last on ramp?
Harvey,
do want to get us shot?
Hey, way to go, Dad.
Pull around and
I'll flash him signs.
Just keep
your hand in your lap.
You keep
yours off the horn.
Unbelievable.
How can you live in a place
where a little toot on the horn
or a respectable little flip-off
is going to get you killed?
What have I been
thinking all these years?
You don't have any regrets do you,
honey?
No, I gave it my shot.
I've never lived any
place this long in my life.
What have I got to show for it?
Two episodes of Dynasty.
Don't forget Murder,
She Wrote.
That was a cameo.
No.
Yeah,
it was just a cameo.
How can
you call it a cameo?
You're not a celebrity.
What?
Dad, it's called an extra.
Whatever.
Dora, you put up with this place
for the best 10 years of your life.
Buck,
you gave me all the years of your life
and now it's payback
because I am ready to go.
I'm like one of those
oil tankers out at sea.
Once you get me going in this direction,
you cannot turn me around.
Like the Exxon Valdez?
That's a good Angelino name,
isn't it?
Valdez?
Why don't you call me Valdez?
Until we get out of California,
you call me Valdez.
Then what
will we call you?
Then you, well,
you can call me Beauregard.
That's a good Virginia name.
Well, Beau,
I would be most obliged
if you would kindly pull
over at the next Minimart
and purchase me a mint yulep,
I have a terrible thirst.
Oh, lovely.
Burn this memorable image into your brains,
my friends.
I'll leave the car running in case
you have to make a quick getaway.
Lock the door.
Need change, man?
What's
the matter with you?
And 36 and 58...
In Virginia you
have to actually be able
to add 7 and 11
to get a job there.
What a concept, huh?
Whoa.
Count your pennies.
I don't got it.
Three, three, three.
Take it from
the "take a penny."
Two.
For God's sake,
man, just give it to him, huh?
No, sir, I can't.
This man is coming here
every day asking for two pennies,
three pennies,
two pennies, every day.
No, this is business,
two pennies.
Next week,
I'll come in next week.
Hey bud, keep the change.
Thank you.
How much are
these red licorice?
Oh, that looks good,
very attractive.
Can't wait to pop one
of those in my mouth.
I took the ones
I dropped on the floor.
Thanks a lot, man.
And a pack of smokes.
Must be 18.
I am 18, man.
Must have ID.
Bull! You never
asked for it before.
No,
I know, it's new rule.
Must have ID.
Oh, you are a loser, dude.
No, I'm not loser.
It's not my fault, it's the law.
No ID, so sale.
Just give him the
cigarettes. Just give him the cigarettes!
No, it's the law.
I will buy the cigarettes,
OK, I'll buy then.
What do you want,
filtered, non-filtered, huh?
You want a carton or something?
Yeah.
Give him a carton of anything,
all right?
Let's move this along here.
Here you go.
I hear they're no more
addictive than milk.
Smoke your lungs out and die!
All right, just be on your way.
Thanks for coming by,
all right, take it easy.
Yes!
Everybody
put their hands up!
Do it now!
Get out the way!
Do you know how
long I've been waiting in line?
Shut up, man.
Damn, man,
there's only $200.
I put the
rest in the bank.
Do you realize how easy it
would be to make $200 legitimately,
with very little down side?
I said shut up, man!
Oh, boy,
I don't know what could be taking him...
You stay here, Buck.
Hey,
pick me up some red licorice.
This is exactly why I
am moving the hell out of this town!
The crime and the stupidity!
You talk too much,
white boy.
White boy.
Oh. great,
now it's a racial thing.
Is that this is about, huh?
The oppressed black
man seeking retribution
for the sins of my great-great-grandfather,
huh?
Well I'll tell you, pal,
my great-great-grandfather
was a lousy tailor in Latvia,
so it's not my fault!
Ahhhh! Harvey,
Harvey, are you all right?
Come on, man, let's go!
Buck!
Dad!
Buck!
Stop the car!
Stop the damn car!
Pull over!
Freeze!
Come on. Hey,
call 911, call 911!
Way to go, Dad!
There it goes,
my good luck piece.
We're going
to need you to stick around
a few extra days, help us identify
the other perp when we get him.
We were just on
our way to Virginia, actually,
to get away from crime.
There's crime everywhere,
Harvey.
When a bullet's
got your name on it,
there's no dodging it.
Detective Jimenez is going to
get you a room at the Pink Motel.
It's on us.
Hello, hello, hello.
Harvey, I'm Kathleen Sullivan.
Kathleen Sullivan!
What are you doing?
Aren't you an anchor?
Well,
you know how it is.
Got bumped by some little
blonde from Buffalo or Syracuse.
But enough about me.
Harvey,
Harvey Hockhelder, isn't it?
Hochfelder.
Hockhelder. You are a bonafide,
certified hero.
Now, tell me, how did it feel?
What was going through
your mind when you were
chasing after that thug?
I don't know, nothing.
I mean, my son was in danger,
my dog was in danger.
Everything that I love
was in that car driving away
and I just wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
"I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore."
Those fighting words from
this mild mannered family man,
dog-lover,
an out of work actor who acted,
by everyone's account,
as a hero.
Now, Harvey,
on our local hero scale of 1 to 10,
of course 10 being the best,
Harvey you get a 10-plus.
Nice job, Dad.
You look great, Harvey.
You think?
I don't know,
they had that light straight on me.
That's not really my best angle.
That was you?
Yeah.
Right on, my friend.
You're something
else. Muy bueno.
No wonder you got
all these messages.
Messages?
Yeah,
all of a sudden the phone started ringing.
Too much.
Look at this. KNX,
KFW, Michael Jackson.
Whoa, whoa,
wait, Michael Jackson?
No, honey,
not that Michael Jackson,
the radio Michael Jackson.
Oh.
You know, in a weird way,
after all these years,
this could be the shot
I've been waiting for.
Hey, Dad,
the 11:00 news is coming.
Yes? Yes,
this is she. Really? Okay. Okay.
Harvey,
hurry up. It's The Today Show on the phone.
Yes. Oh, yes,
Miss Couric. Oh, Katie.
Well, hang on just second,
Harvey's in the bathroom.
Coming up,
the story of Harvey Hochfelder.
You have to tell Katie Couric
I'm in the bathroom?
Sorry.
Hello?
Yeah, sure thing,
Mr. Leno, tomorrow night.
Yeah, that'll be great.
Hey, say, Jay, look,
if it's not too much of an imposition
I was wondering,
kind of cramped for space here.
It's hard to sleep and I just
thought it might go better
if we had a place that had,
you know, like maybe a spa
or massage or... Wow,
the Hilton?
Dad, watch this.
Buck,
don't jump on the other people, honey.
Would
you stop screaming?
It's a classy place here.
Mr. Hochfelder.
Thank you.
Hello?
Mr. Hochfelder,
I think you are
incredibly brave and I think
you're incredibly handsome.
Oh,
what show did you catch me on?
Agent.
Oh.
All of them.
But my favorite one is The Harvey Show,
live, right across the pool.
Oh, God.
It's a talent artist agent, TAA.
I'm in
room 214 and it's big and lonely
and I can get up there any
time that you can get away.
Oh, gee,
golly. I don't know what to say.
Say you'll come.
Oh, God. I'm going to
have to talk this over with my people.
I'll get back to you.
I'll wait for you,
Harvey.
Okay, bye.
Harvey, TAA.
Yeah, well,
I told them I'd think it over.
What's to think?
That's what she said.
What's her name?
What?
What's her name?
Oh, I forgot to ask.
Oh, well,
I'm sure she'll call you back.
I am sure.
Buck, woohoo! Good one!
Mr. Hochfelder.
Me again.
Hello?
Second from the left,
that's him.
You sure?
100%. I was
standing right next to the guy.
Take him out.
Does he know I'm here?
Yeah,
he knows you're here.
He's been through
the routine before.
What's he doing?
Mad-dogging you.
What's that?
Well,
to be honest, in gang speak,
that means you're dead.
Buck, get the door,
will you honey,
but ask who it is first.
Hey, Buck.
Who is it?
Dad.
It's me.
Well, Harvey,
where have you been?
You look good.
Thank you, honey,
you've been gone so long.
It was
him. They got him.
Harvey, I'm so glad, ow, Harvey,
what have you got in your pocket?
Cool line
you're supposed to say is,
"Is that a gun in your pocket or
are you just happy to see me?"
Oh, wow,
Dad, can I try it?
This is not a toy, okay?
This is a lethal weapon.
Many a person has been
killed for failing to realize that.
Why do you have it,
Harvey?
That's why I was late.
After I ID'd the guy,
he practically confessed in the lineup.
They got the whole
thing on video.
So the police thought,
'cause the guy's in a gang,
and just to be safe,
that I should carry.
So I asked Detective Jimenez,
our friend, I said,
"Could I have this gun?
'Cos this is my lucky gun."
He said he didn't
know 'cuz it's evidence.
I said, "Let me talk to the DA,
I want it."
So I went down and
talked to the DA and ta-da!
Harvey,
you talked to the DA?
Yeah.
Wow, Dad, can I shoot it
once like out the window or something?
No, Buck.
This is for our protection,
okay?
Consider yourself lucky
if we never fire this thing.
Harvey, are we in danger?
Not if we're careful.
Hello? Oh, yes,
yes, just a minute please.
It's TAA.
Hello?
That's great, Harvey.
We were thinking along
the lines of a TV movie.
A TV movie?
Yup.
$100,000, huh?
Yup.
Why not a real movie,
huh? A feature.
Harvey,
Harvey. This is perfect for TV.
TV ratings are generated
by current events.
Hot topics. Look, they did the OJ
movie even before he was innocent.
They put Fox on the map.
They did baby Jessica before
she was taken out of that damn pipe.
You know what kind of
ratings those things pulled in?
It's huge, you hear me?
But you got to act on this now,
Harvey, okay,
because there's
no tomorrow in TV.
Okay, okay, all right.
And, I'll star, huh?
You out of your mind?
We need a real star.
See,
ratings are generated by stars.
No, no, no, no, no.
They're generated
by current events.
Development is generated
by current events, Harvey, okay?
A movie is nothing
without a star.
Then we'll get a star,
okay, to play my wife, Dora.
We'll get Michelle Pfeiffer
or Meg Ryan or Meryl Streep.
Look, you can have the rights for free,
okay?
For free?
No, no, no, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait a second, wait a second.
Harvey, Harvey,
for free is ridiculous.
You don't make any money,
we don't make any money.
Nothing is for
free in this town.
For free?
And background!
Michelle Pfeiffer
is not going to do TV.
Meg Ryan.
Not going to do TV.
Wait a minute,
this isn't just TV, okay?
We're talking the cover
of Newsweek here.
Harvey,
they're not going to do TV.
What we need is a
serious TV name here.
You know what's
the problem with you guys?
No guts, no glory.
Just make an offer to Sharon
Stone or Michelle Pfeiffer.
We got to get a beautiful woman.
You know who'd be perfect?
Kathy Ireland.
Oh, my God.
My son was in danger,
my dog was in danger.
I didn't know what to do.
I just knew I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
I just knew I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
My son was in danger,
my dog was in danger.
I didn't know what
I was going to do.
I just knew I wasn't going to
lie down and take it anymore.
I just knew I wasn't going
lie down and take it anymore.
Hello? Hello, Kathy?
Yo,
you gonna die white boy.
Hello. Hello?
Havey, Harv,
open up, Harvey.
There's someone
here I want you to meet.
Kathy Ireland!
Hello, Harvey,
it's wonderful to meet you.
Oh,
I'm so excited to meet you!
You're playing my wife!
I mean,
this is almost better than the real thing!
Oh, God!
Harvey,
is that a gun in your pocket
or are you just happy to see me?
Oh,
I'm so happy.
First they
get us the Hilton,
now they get us this house.
Here, boy.
Hey, Buck,
go check it out.
Wow, awesome, Dad.
Now,
don't get too attached to this place.
No problem.
Harvey,
is that lipstick on your collar?
No, that's nothing.
That's not nothing,
Harvey, that's lipstick.
Well,
I met the actress who's going to play you
in the movie today,
she gave me a hug that's all.
Guess who's going to
play you in the movie?
Oh, Harvey,
we were going to move to Virginia.
We were going to buy a farm.
We're still
going to move to Virginia,
but now when I get you there,
we're going to be so rich,
I'm going to buy you Monticello.
You gave up your
salary to star in this thing.
It's a down
payment on my career.
What was
the last 10 years?
Dora, look, I've been
waiting for this my whole life, okay?
This is my shot, I can feel it.
What happened to the
tanker who couldn't turn around?
It didn't turn around,
it just stopped to pay a
call on Port of Paradise here.
Port of Paradise. Honey. Honey!
That's
our man right there.
Harvey!
Hi, Kathy, how are you?
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know,
this scene is really pretty good.
Yeah,
but the bedroom stuff is all cliché.
Why does every movie have to
have the man and woman in bed?
We are husband and wife,
I mean in the movie.
So what?
Everyone knows what husbands
and wives do behind closed doors.
Nothing.
What are
you talking about?
My wife and I do lots of
things behind closed doors.
I mean, we used to, anyway.
When the scene takes place,
most definitely we did.
It doesn't
advance the plot.
What are
you talking about?
He would not risk his life if
he wasn't in love with his wife.
We have to establish their
torrid feelings for each other
to motivate the act
of heroism at the end.
Are you saying if
your wife wasn't putting out,
you would have let
your son be kidnapped?
No, Kathy,
Kathy, we have got to let
the audience see
how much fun they are.
We got to let them see Harvey as a viral,
vital man
who's desirable as well
as incredibly adorable.
How do I
know he's desirable?
How do I know
this before the act?
Just the way
he carries himself.
The way he provides for you.
The way he satisfies
your every need.
The way he desires you.
The way his heart
pounds when he's near you.
The way his hands burn
when he touches you.
Oh, oh...
Harvey, wait.
Let's save ourselves
for the scene.
Our feelings will be so intense,
so incredibly real,
we'll explode on the screen.
Yeah,
yeah, yeah, I see it.
It'll be incredible.
They'll be talking
about it on all the shows.
Did they? Didn't they? All
America will want to know.
Hello? It's for you.
Thanks, hey, hello.
Better get home,
white boy.
For crying out loud.
Where'd you learn to drive,
Sears?
Yo, man,
you got our homies locked up,
so now we want to kill you, man.
I did not get
your homies locked up.
Man, you got him fingered.
Yeah.
Technically,
I fingered one.
I collared the other.
Technically,
we gonna bust a cap up in you, bust a cap.
Wait, wait,
wait. That doesn't make any sense.
You're just going
to get in trouble.
Man,
we're already in trouble, man.
We pop you it won't
make no damn difference.
Are you kidding?
Do you know who I am?
Do you know how famous
I am in this country?
If you kill me,
they're going send the FBI.
They're going to send
the National Guard.
No, no,
you messed with our homies, man.
So you got to get that,
all right?
Word up!
It's as simple as that.
That's the way it goes down in the hood,
baby.
That doesn't
make any sense.
How is getting me got going
to help your friends, huh?
Now kidnapping,
that would make sense.
I mean,
I don't have a lot of money.
They studio's got a lot of money and maybe,
you know?
Now you're making some sense,
fool.
Yeah, but kidnapping's a
very difficult crime to get away with.
Look at Leopold and Loeb,
for instance.
Those guys are geniuses,
they couldn't even get away with it.
What you
trying to say that makes us?
Yeah, what,
what, you heard him.
I got it, hey,
I got a way you guys
can really make
something out of this.
You can be in my movie.
What?
You guys can play
your homies in the show.
That way you don't have some
stupid actors screwing up the part.
You guys will be there,
you'll get it right, right?
And you can make a lot
of money in the process.
Picture it, huh?
You guys are out there,
it's the climactic scene, right?
You're the agents of change,
you're the antagonists.
Why would
you call us names?
It's a good thing.
Every movie has an
antagonist and a protagonist.
Protagonist, that's me,
right, I'm the star,
and the guy who screws
with the protagonist,
that's the antagonist,
that's you guys, right?
Like Hepburn and Tracy,
Bogart and Bacall, we'll be co-stars.
Hey,
don't be screwing with us, man.
No, no, no,
nothing can happen without me.
No one can sneeze without me.
I'm in charge.
You sure?
Hey, we're there, huh?
Okay,
right there and right there.
Now you do realize the
agency collects 10% off the top.
What the hell you mean 10%,
man?
Okay, fine, 5.
Okay, man,
what up, what up?
How about that,
the next Wesley and Denzel
are going to be in my movie,
huh?
Boys, boys, you've got
to go straight over to the studio
for a fitting, you shoot day 3.
We don't want those
girls working overtime.
All right,
you're gonna be great, guys, really.
Okay, call the police.
What? What
are you talking about?
Those guys,
they kidnapped me right out of my car.
I just promised them a
part in the movie 'cause
they were going to kill me.
What?
Why would they kill you?
Because it was their
homies that held up the Minimart.
This is payback time.
What's the problem?
Harvey,
we have a contract with them.
We can't just break a contract.
What?
Are you kidding me?
Harvey, we just made an
arrangement with those two boys.
We can't go back on our word.
What do you think this is?
This is Hollywood.
Get someone to
take Harvey to his car.
I got to tell you,
Harvey, I'm with him.
Those boys are sensational.
They could be the
next Wesley and Denzel.
Are you
out of your minds?
They tried to kill me.
Yeah,
but now they're clients.
Harvey, you're a genius.
Hello?
Dora?
Dora?
Dora. Dora! You okay?!
Hey, you scared me.
Wait till you hear what
happened to me today.
I don't want to hear about your day,
Harvey.
I'm sick of hearing
about your days.
I was kidnapped at gunpoint,
that's why I was late.
I just don't care anymore.
You don't care?
Well, let's just say,
I don't believe you.
It's all lies.
Lies? I'm
telling you the truth.
Lies, Harvey.
Just like moving
to Virginia was a lie.
That was never a lie.
Okay, you were there.
We were headed for the freeway.
You're the one that
wanted the damn diet soda.
So now it's my fault.
No, it's nobody's fault.
Events beyond our control have taken place,
okay?
Oh, Harvey, that's bull!
Nothing's beyond our control.
We can walk away
whenever we want.
What? And give up
everything I ever worked for?
Dora, this is God.
This is God standing before me and saying,
"Harvey,
here it is,
this is your big shot."
You deserve this,
enjoy it while it lasts.
And he's telling
me and Buck to stuff it?
We have to give up everything
that we've worked for?
Is that fair?
I can't,
I can't do anything about that, okay?
God's plan is a secret.
Your plan is a secret,
Harvey.
You think I don't
realize that you've been
carrying on with that actress?
What are
you talking about?
You smell
of cheap perfume.
Cheap?
Go ahead, Harvey,
defend her perfume.
Make my day!
Honey,
we were rehearsing.
It's called method acting, okay?
We have to be
comfortable with each other
or else it's going
to look phony.
All the great actors do it.
You should be honored
that I care enough
to make sure that our relationship
is depicted correctly on film.
People are going to say, "Gosh,
they really, really loved each other."
I'm doing it for you, honey.
Don't think that it's easy.
Well,
I'm going to spare you
ever having to go
through that ordeal again.
You see her one more
time and we're through,
Buck and I are gone.
What?
You heard me.
I have to see her.
We're doing a movie together.
Choose, Harvey.
This is ridiculous.
That's my bottom line.
I have
to get some sleep.
We film tomorrow!
This could cost me zillions
and zillions of dollars.
I could be sued!
Sued for money
or sued for divorce,
either way you're
sued and screwed.
You can't do this.
Choose!
This isn't fair.
Life isn't fair, Harvey.
Okay,
you win. You win! You win.
Change the oil every 3,000 miles
and send me a postcard
when you get there.
Harvey, Harvey,
where you been?
Come on,
we got a whole set waiting here.
Wait, wait,
what's the shot?
Lay the shot out for me.
Okay,
we're going do it all in one.
We start in tight
on a snow scene.
It's a little New
England village.
We pull back to reveal it's a child's toy,
a snow shaker.
We pull back further to
reveal you're holding it,
staring at it.
You're in bed
with Kathy Ireland.
Kathy looks at you and says,
"What's going on?"
You say to her,
"We're moving to Virginia."
She's overwhelmed
by this knowledge.
She makes mad,
passionate love to you.
I love that.
Great, let's go do it.
Wait, wait, wait,
why New England?
Why a New England snow scene?
Because that's
what's in the script.
But we're
moving to Virginia.
Virginia, New England,
they both have seasons,
they're back east somewhere.
Okay, think of it as an homage to RKO,
an homage to Wells.
It's a snow shaker, right?
It's a rose bud.
That's great,
that's great, that's great.
Kathy!
Kathy, please.
I want you I need you
Harvey, control yourself,
would you, please?
Save it for the shot.
Clear the set!
Clear the set please.
Everybody clear out,
here we go.
Let's go people.
Here we go, lover boy.
And lights.
Camera, and action!
The Harvey Hochfelder story,
scene 1, shot 1.
Ah!
Aaaaahhhh! Aaaaaahhhh!
Tonight,
startling footage that will shock you.
Graphic videotape of a
convenience store robbery
that left one man dead
and a family fatherless.
Also, Bongo the chimp has twins
and the Dodgers and Padres
head-to-head in a southland slug-fest.
It's all coming up at 11.
Yee-haw!