Growing Up Fisher (2014): Season 1, Episode 13 - Growing Up Fairbanks - full transcript

Before my parents got divorced,

we'd take a family trip every
year to Catalina island.

It was the kind of place a
family could look forward to

for a relaxing vacation.

I will wait.

You're not resealing the
pool during our stay.

Except, for our family,
it was hardly relaxing,

barely a vacation, and none
of us looked forward to it.

Mel, if you don't get out of the pool

I'm gonna eat all the bacon
off your club sandwich.

He wasn't wrong,



but he always used too much
club to prove he was right.

Do not sign that.

Signing a waiver is basically

giving them a license to kill you.

Mel, this horse is older than Nana.

I'm with dad on this one.

Fun fact about me... terrified of horses.

That's how our vacations
went, year after year...

started out with the best of intentions...

- Beautiful.
- Breathtaking.

Amazing.

But it always ended with dad.

I can't see.

♪Let's tell the world all
the things we've done♪



♪The places we've been
in the setting sun♪

♪I've got a song and a smile so bright♪

♪I'll make you wish
you were here tonight♪

♪I'll make you wish
you were here tonight♪

Got divorce papers today.

Oh, sorry, Sloan. That's got to be tough.

Not really. They're yours.

Oh. Uh, okay.

No big deal. I was pretty
much expecting them.

A formality. And why is this open?

Yeah, sorry about that.

Realized about halfway through
reading them they were yours.

Then I kept reading.

Cheese and crackers, lawyers
make a lot more money

than middle-school principals.

I'm just gonna help myself
to one of your imported beers

and not feel too bad about it.

Also, I'll just take this loose change.

Dropped a nickel.

Hey, dad, I'm headed over to mom's.

Oh, and since we're not
going to Catalina this year,

I was gonna go with Nicole

to her family's beach
house for the long weekend.

We're not going to Catalina?

Why would we go on a family trip?

We're not exactly a family anymore.

Cool. Then I'm gonna go call Runyen

and tell him I can go
fishing with his family.

Just 'cause I'm a single dad

doesn't mean I can't take my
kids on a family vacation.

They seemed okay with not going.

I'm just saying.

I got a lot of vacation days
and a freshly waxed back.

I'm the whole package.

I think they may have soured
on the trip in the past

because I may have been a
bit difficult to travel with.

Truth be told, when I'm on vacation,

I sometimes fail to...

leave your personality at home?

Hey, I have strong opinions.

You know, it's hard to let go of that.

So your idea of a vacation

is just putting on sandals
and yelling at people.

No. Open-toed shoes are
neither safe nor sanitary.

Wow. You know what?

I am gonna give my kids
an awesome family vacation

just by being a kinder, gentler Mel.

Mel light.

All the Mel we love without
the bitter aftertaste.

[Bottles clink]

So that's how the divorce
papers affected dad.

For mom, they meant dipping her toe

in the online dating pool...

With Katie's help.

[Cell phone rings]

Hey, Mel, I can't talk
right now. Katie and I...

- I can talk.
- Did you get the papers?

I did.

[Computer chimes]

- Staring at them right now.
- Big step.

Yeah, we'll get through it, though.

One way or another.

So, uh, it's that Catalina
time of year again.

Oh, thank God we don't
have to do that anymore.

Actually, I was thinking
maybe I would take the kids.

You're taking the kids
to Catalina without me?

If that's okay.

It's a little weird, Mel.

[Computer chimes]

But weird is our wheelhouse.

Go for it.

I thought one of the upsides
of my parents' divorce

was that nobody got custody of Catalina.

I wanted to go to oxnard
with you and your family.

You're sure you can't go, right?

Yeah.

Then I'm gonna be honest with you.

Oxnard sucks.

We wake up at dawn, we fish all day,

we only eat what we catch.

And nothing's wasted.

We eat the face, Henry. We eat the face.

[Elevator buzzes, doors open]

Hey, Jenny.

I'm so excited to spend
the weekend with you.

What's happening?

Oh, your dad didn't tell you?

My mom's out of town for work,

so I'm going to Catalina with you guys.

So it's not just a family thing.

- I even bought a new swimsuit.
- I have swimsuits.

I'm gonna go pack. So excited.

Did you just hear that?

I'm going to Catalina with
Jenny and her new swimsuit.

It's gonna be awesome.

I'll be in oxnard with my
mom and her one-piece...

considerably less awesome.

No, it's just a pressure-free coffee thing

to get our feet wet and see if we click.

And, you know, if not, no big whoop,

but if we do, we'll roll into
dinner and see where the night...

mm...

And... [Slurps]

My newly whitened teeth take us.

So then no more coffee?

Yes. More coffee, more coffee.

I have 15 more strips in my pack.

You know what? He's here. Beat it.

- Are you...
- Joyce. I am.

Nice to meet you.

No. Not for me.

"Not for me"?

Who is he to say that?

He doesn't know how "for him" I could be.

So dad's perfect post-divorce
vacation hit a little snag...

his pre-divorce wife.

You know what? Mom's in a
really bad place right now.

- I am?
- You are.

And I'm not going to Catalina
and just leaving you like this.

Wait, what?

I'm staying beside the woman

who has always looked
out for my best interest,

and, you know, if she feels better soon,

I'll just go to Nicole's.

Great. So we're just not
taking a family vacation?

No, we have to go!

There are new bathing suits involved!

And dad is trying to
keep this family on track

and give us an awesome vacation...

Is what he said.

Katie, you're coming on this
trip whether you want to or not.

"Mel light" in three, two, one...

But I think you'll be glad you did.

Might see a whale.

I'm just gonna delete my profile.

There, I did it.

I no longer exist.

You guys have a great time.

So there I was, in paradise
with the girl of my dreams...

And the family of my reality.

Yep, all of them.

You're sure this invite's
not just a pity thing?

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- No. Are you kidding me?

Because it's okay if it is.

- Basically it is, yeah.
- Totally.

- Think about it.
- [Sighs] This is great.

I'm sorry. I don't show a
reservation for a Mel Fisher.

Well, that is weird, because
I made one yesterday.

[Clears throat]

Would you mind checking
again for me, please?

Horseback riding.

It's right next door. We should go.

Good luck convincing my dad.

He says they're a lawsuit
waiting to happen.

I guess it's 'cause a
horse will break your neck

if it gets the chance.

But...

What about whatever this is?

Needlepoint and quilt festival.

Margaret Cohen from woodland hills

calls it a "patchwork of delight."

[Laughs] You're hilarious.

We are so going.

Checking availability.

Yeah, sorry. Nothing's coming up.

And we are fully booked the entire weekend.

[Whispers indistinctly]

Fully booked? It's the off-season.

We're the only ones in this hotel lobby

that aren't on the payroll.

Let me recommend another hotel.

They lost our reservation?

Here comes dad's first
blowup of the weekend.

It's gonna be worse than that,

'cause their website says
they've got nothing but rooms.

Why would she lie?

I think it's because of Elvis.

Oh, no.

This does not end well.

- Good news.
- Uh-huh?

The Sandy seahorse motel has vacancies.

- Fabulous.
- Yes.

I'll go call a courtesy shuttle.

If he finds out, it's
going to be a bloodbath.

Or there's no bloodbath
'cause we don't tell him.

- I need this weekend to go well.
- He needs to know.

- The thing is he doesn't.
- Hey, guys.

- Hi.
- Hey, dad.

Little update...

I think it's possible that
our friend at the front desk

has lost our reservation

because she doesn't
want Elvis at the hotel.

So do me a favor and step outside.

In that moment, I felt bad for Debbie.

She was about to get her ass handed to her.

But the real victim here was me...

Innocent, just-trying-to-see-
Jenny-in-a-bathing-suit me.

Our shuttle to the Sandy seahorse motel

should be here pretty soon.

Gonna be great.

I'm sorry. Why didn't dad torch the place?

I know what it is.

Maybe they made opposite day mandatory.

Or some nice man killed dad
and is wearing his skin.

That's the only explanation.

Hey, kids, why don't you, uh,

go to the stables and check out the horses?

Oh, yeah, Henry, let's ride.

- Horses?
- [Groans] Would've been fun.

But I told you, there's
no way my dad's gonna...

that does sound like fun. Go ahead, kids.

Oh. Great.

[Chuckles] I love horses.

Okay...

What is happening?

Why the hell did you stand down back there?

And now you're green-lighting horses?

Where's the Mel Fisher
whose moral convictions

I fell in love with,
married, found exhausting,

and am now divorcing?

That guy was a vacation wrecking ball.

I'm not gonna ruin any more family trips.

So now you're sending us
to some seahorse motel?

I'm sure it's not that bad.

[Horn honks]

[Van backfires]
- Seahorse.

Mel, you have always gone on and on

about people needing to be
accountable for their actions.

And I usually tune that
out, but you are right.

You can't let someone
just walk all over you.

I should've called out that jerk

that left me at the
coffee shop, but I didn't.

And I regret it, and I'm
never letting it happen again.

If you're not calling Debbie out, I will.

Fine.

So that's a no-go on the sea ho?

I like both tater tots and French fries,

but gun to my head, I'm
gonna have to say...

Both: Tater tots.

Damn right. Up top.

I didn't want to say it, but I was killing.

I'm killing.

I know. This trip is so bizarre.

Hey, can I have a sip of that?

Sure.

And then the greatest thing happened.

Her lips touched a place
where my lips had been...

On purpose.

Thanks.

Joyce, come on, the shuttle is waiting.

Just get on board.

No, you get on board.

[Telephone rings]
- What?

Harbor inn, this is Debbie speaking.

[Southern accent] Yes,
hello, there sweet pea.

My name is Patricia Fairbanks.

My husband and I are coming
in on the late ferry.

Y'all have any vacancies?

We do. Are you interested
in a room or a suite?

Peaches and pie, that is great news.

Let me check with my beloved.

Room or suite, light of
my life? What you think?

[Southern accent] A suite
would be hunky-dory,

my mint julep.

Well, we have a lovely suite

that overlooks the water.

It has a great view.

Perfect. My husband adores a great view.

Don't you?

Well, does a gator float
on his belly in the bayou

in the moon...

all right, we'll see you
later, darlin'. Bye, now.

Tell me you saved that can.

Crushed it and put it in my pocket.

What is all that smoke?

It's my mom. She's been
cooking for 12 hours straight.

Mom, crack a window or something! God!

Hey, Henry.

I got to go.

[Smoke alarm beeping]

[Sighs] Me too.

Just giant dogs, just giant dogs.

All that stood between
me and Jenny was a horse,

aptly named "destiny."

This'll be fun.

[Laughing] Oh, my go...

[spits]

Stupid destiny.

[Normal voice] Debbie.

- Hi.
- [Normal voice] Hello.

Oh. Hi.

We just wanted to come back and thank you

for recommending that fabulous motel.

The thing is, we'd rather stay here.

Well, as I said before, we
are fully booked this weekend.

- They're booked.
- Totally booked.

Hmm. So you've had no cancellations.

I don't know how I could
make myself any more clear.

- Ah.
- Aw.

[Southern accent] Not even a
room for Mr. and Mrs. Fairbanks?

[Southern accent] Augustus W. Fairbanks...

a prominent land developer
and his radiant wife,

former miss Georgia and
two-time blue-ribbon winner

of the pickens county peach pie pageant?

[Normal voice] I've been
fleshing out our characters.

[Normal voice] Yeah, apparently.

Debbie, what's going on here?

I just didn't think we could
accommodate someone like you.

Ah. Someone like me.

No.

[Chuckles nervously] I
meant someone with a dog.

You can't see it, but this
hotel is very elegant.

What the [Bleep] is that supposed to mean?

I don't appreciate being sworn at.

Well, we don't appreciate
being discriminated against.

Debbie, I happen to be an attorney,

well versed in California
antidiscrimination laws,

so we'll ask you one last time.

Do you have any rooms?

[Southern accent] I'd get clickety-clacking

on that computer if I
were you, honeysuckle.

And once again, on
behalf of the harbor inn,

we want to extend our deepest apologies

if there was any sort of misunderstanding.

"The harbor inn welcomes
all service animals,

especially those leading the blind."

That's the way you wanted it worded

on the sign in the lobby, right?

That'll work.

Abigail, I don't know
what you're doing there,

but don't stop.

[Normal voice] Ah, ah, I wouldn't do that

if I were you, Debbie... he might bite.

She's talking about me, of course.

- I was.
- [Laughs] Hilarious.

The dog has had 9 months and
$40,000 worth of training.

He won't bite or bark
or destroy your hotel.

Of course.

Now, you were saying about
those drink vouchers?

Oh, yes. Here are, uh, two...

um... [Clears throat] Four...

all of my drink vouchers
for the oasis lounge.

And again, on behalf of
myself and the harbor inn

and everybody at Pacific
Coast Properties LLC,

thank you so much for your understanding.

[Southern accent] Bye, now.

Sure we're getting the most out of this?

I feel like the kids might
enjoy a dessert cart.

Ooh, yes, they would.

A huge cart full of delicious desserts,

and I was too upset to eat them.

I don't get why we eat
cows and ride horses.

I mean, cows are so much nicer to us.

Horses are basically just boring zebras.

I fell off the horse.

- Are you okay?
- No.

I fell off in front of
Jenny and ruined everything.

Horses don't just break your neck.

- They can break your heart.
- Oh, sweetie.

Henry, I want to tell you something, buddy.

I know what you're gonna say, dad.

You're gonna tell me to
"get back on the horse,"

which is ironic,

'cause I literally have to get back on one.

And then you're gonna
tell me to seize the day

and that nothing that
can happen on the horse

will be worse than not getting on one.

And then mom'll say,
"Mel, don't push the boy."

And then you'll say, "Joyce,
please, I'm not pushing the boy.

I'm teaching him to push himself."

So, fine. I'll go. I'll go.

It's just I know it comes from love.

It's just enough already.

God. It's exhausting.

[Door closes]

At least we know he's listening.

Maybe he can give himself the sex talk.

Ahh. This turned out nice.

Henry's getting back on the horse,

Katie's out catching some rays,

and we've got six free-drink coupons le...

two free-drink coupons left.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

So far, this is the best vacation ever.

You did it, Mel.

We did it.

To us.

[Glasses clink]

It seems kind of weird

toasting how great we are together

when we're about to sign these, huh?

[Sighs] Yeah.

It's like we're getting along
better now than we ever have.

Maybe that's because we've
grown over the last six months.

I mean, I actually had to tell
you to make a scene today.

[Chuckles] Yeah.

And how about you, lady Fairbanks?

You actually started a scene.

It felt good.

I can't believe once we
sign these, we're over, Mel.

We're not over.

We're, uh...

Starting the next phase.

[Pleasant guitar music]

Okay.

Well, that's it.

Actually, I'm pretty sure

there's, like, a million more places...

oh, yeah, there's, like,
tons more places to sign.

You know, I couldn't think of a nicer way

to end my marriage to you.

We could go in there and do it.

Oh, my God.

- It was a joke.
- No, no, the room...

it's a disaster.

Elvis completely destroyed the place.

- How... how bad is it?
- I'm just ball-parking it,

but I'd say your dog with
$40,000 worth of training

did about $2,000 worth of damage.

[Laughing]

Why are you laughing?

This island... every time we
come here, it's a disaster.

- [Laughing]
- Right?

- It's cursed. It's cursed.
- [Laughs]

[Knock at door]

Housekeeping.

Turndown service.

Turn down the turndown service.

No, thank you. Come back later.

Yeah, but don't say come back later.

Oh, uh... Don't ever come back.

Don't say that. That
sounds very suspicious.

He's naked and drunk.

Okay, we... we got to get out of here.

We're booking it.

You grab Elvis, and I'll get the bags.

Wait, wait. We're just leaving?

It's either that or let
Debbie have the satisfaction

of knowing she was right.

I'll send a check from the mainland.

Let's go.

Stop.

[Sighs] Elvis is tracking blueberry sauce.

- Come on, this is ridiculous.
- It's faster!

We can fight on the ferry ride home.

- [Whispering] She's not here.
- Go, go, go.

Okay.

Oh, I dropped Katie's makeup bag.

Just leave it. Leave it.

Wait. How long has Katie
been wearing makeup?

Um...

[Queen and David bowie's Under Pressure]

[Sighs]

Okay, destiny.

I don't like you. You don't like me.

But I like her, so I need you to help me.

[Horn honks] Oh, no.

? Pressure

all right, vacation's over.

But we just got here.

Elvis is a wanted dog.

Fishers are peeling out in 60 seconds.

All right, I'll go,

but we have to swear that
we're never coming back here.

- Absolutely.
- Couldn't pay me enough.

Even though their marriage didn't work,

mom and dad showed me by example

how to have the courage
to do what you need to do.

If they could do that,

then I could do this.

[Shirt rips]

♪Insanity laughs, under
pressure we're cracking♪

♪Can't we give ourselves
one more chance?♪

Jenny!

Henry!

You rode the horse.

And if I could do that,

there's no way I wasn't gonna do this.

♪'Cause love's such an old-fashioned♪

He's kissing her. He's kissing her.

Amazing.

Is she kissing him back?

Yeah. [Laughs]

Amazing.

That trip to Catalina

marked the start of a new
phase for me and Jenny.

Hey.

The guy I almost went on
a date with wrote back.

He said the only reason he walked out

is because in person I
look like his dead wife.

Yes!

So you're happy about that?

Well, apparently she died when she was 35.

I look like a 35-year-old.

It also marked a new phase for mom and dad.

You know what? I'm gonna
post a new profile.

On the ferry ride home,
will you help me write it?

Sure. Welcome to the next phase.

♪Pressure♪