Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 5, Episode 8 - The New Deal: Part 1 - full transcript

Patient: All I'm saying is, that if my wife, the woman that I cherish, thinks getting a job is more important than our marriage, let her die.

Jason: Mr.Lapepki, think for just a moment, isn't this woman the same person you married ten years ago.

Patient: No, she's fat.

Jason: But does she not also have a right to her own professional fulfillment?

Patient: Wow, you're whipped!

Jason: Mr.Lapepki, let me share with you a personal anecdote, if I may; I was in a similar situation about four years ago.

Patient: Ah, right, your wife was putting on the pounds too, huh?

Patient: You can put it on pumpkin pie!

Jason: Alright, well that's our session for today.I'll be remodeling this office, so next week will be at another address.

Patient: Oh, a real office, huh?

Jason: This is a real office Mr.Lapepki, I do real work here.



Patient: I didn't mean to insult you.I welcome the change.Psychiatrists with real offices are so much more...interesting.

Maggie: Jason, I'm home!

Patient: She could whip me anytime.

Carol: Ben, my pancakes are cold.

Ben: So, sit on 'em.

Mike: Ben, what are these little black things in my pancakes?

Ben: The ones without legs are rasinettes.

Carol: You are never gonna cook breakfast again!

Ben: That's my plan.

Jason: You will behave exactly as if I was watching your every move.

Mike: Isn't that crazy, the man read my mind.

Jason: Yeah.

Maggie: I bought extra diapers, Chrissy isn't used to day care.

Jason: Where is that contract?I should have left five minutes ago.There's all that traffic and then the toll, oh!Maggie, I'm gonna need exact change for the toll.



Mike: Allow me Dad.Ben, give the man a Buck.

Jason: Maggie, come on, you said you'd get me some extra diapers for Chrissy.

Maggie: I did, Jason.You're nervous.

Jason: Well, I'm not who's comfortable with change.

Ben: Then give me my quarters back.

Jason: You know everything I need is right here at home; I don't need to commute, and I don't have any interruptions...

Ben: And you get to watch Operah.Everybody knows, Dad.

Maggie: And all these years I thought you were doing me a big favour by working at home.

Jason: Well, I'm not the kind of guy to bring it up, but I am!Oh finally!

Ben: Yep.

Frank: Hi, I'm err...I parked my truck out on the front lawn, I hope it's OK.

Jason: Hey, everybody, this is Frank, he's gonna be remodeling the office.

Frank: My beeper went off, I gotta call it in.I heard the stinking beeper, get off my back will you.Oh, is any one of you named Maggie Malone?

Maggie: Yes.

Maggie: I heard, your beeper went off.Gail, can I call you right back on my husbands line?OK.

Jason: Frank, about my office...

Frank: Just a sec.Go ahead, talk, I can do two things at once.Is there anything you wanna have done?Any certain ideas?

Jason: Well just a few random thoughts off the top of my head really.

Frank: I gotta let you go.Yeah, I got another one of those.

Ben: (In his head) Hey, wait a second!I'm gonna have the whole house to myself, every afternoon for a whole week.It's a good thing I got a poker face.

Maggie: Believe me Gail, I would love to do the article but the keep me so busy in town...

Jason: Losing these bookshelves will open up a whole work space here and...

Maggie: Oh Jason, I'm on the phone with Esquire.

Jason: Honey, don't we subscribe to enough magazines already?Oh!Well we need some time to check these plans.

Maggie: Gail, I have to try yet another phone.Be patient with me.

Jason: Sorry.So, what this office really needs is just a new face!You know, I'd like to have an office that says "a professional psychiatrist works here!" A professional psychiatrist, call me home!

Ben: Dad, I was just wondering, about what time are you gonna get home tonight.

Jason: I dunno, Ben, if I don't get outta here soon, I may not be home at all.

Ben: (In his head) This is better than I thought.What would Mike do in a situation like this?Party!Party!Party!

Jason: I mean does this office say anything to you?

Frank: Not a peep.

Jason: Can you believe, three thousand Dollars for textured walls!

Maggie: Sure, now that I'm being offered good articles to write, I'm too busy to take them!

Jason: And now that I bothered with medical school, I find out the big Bucks are in contracting!Oh Chrissy, I'm sorry, Daddy wouldn't leave without ya!

Jason: Don't cry, baby.Bye bye baby!!Goo goo!

Kevin: You're a little early, the doctor's not in yet.

Jason: Oh, yes he is.

Kevin: Sure he is.

Jason: Oh, I'm Jason Seaver, I'm gonna be in Dr.Bigman's office this..

Kevin: Right, we were expecting you.I'm Kevin Randall.

Jason: Hi.Oh, I was just putting my daughter in day care.So, what's your area of expertise?

Kevin: Filing, typing, steno.

Jason: Oh, you treat secretaries?

Jason: Ah, a male secretary!That's kind of strangely...fascinating, as an idea, yes.Well, err...I'll be in my office, which is where?

Paul: Jason Seaver, you son of a gun!

Jason: Hey Paul!

Paul: How long's it been?

Jason: About a week.You had dinner at my place, remember?

Paul: Oh, then why am I hugging you?

Jason: Well, I don't know, you always do that when you see me; it's starting to get on my nerves.

Paul: Have you seen your office?

Jason: No.

Paul: Then let me show you.

Jason: Wow.

Paul: Yeah.Alright!

Jason: A male secretary?!

Paul: Come on!Where have you been, Jase?

Jason: Well, it's just that I've never had a secretary with hairier legs than mine!Once maybe, but that's another story.I really have to thank you and Phil, for letting me use this office.

Paul: Hey, jees, hey please, don't mention Phil, huh?He's off at a Zurich conference, and I'm stuck here with a double patient load!

Jason: Ah well, at least you're not bitter about it.

Paul: Nice furniture, huh?

Jason: Are you kidding!

Paul: I own it, but I leased it back to myself, through my own corporation, for a double rent off!

Jason: You still practise psychiatry though?

Paul: Nice chair, huh?It vibrates!

Jason: Oh good, I thought it was me.

Paul: And, it's got a built in phone!

Jason: No.

Paul: OK, let's see now; You know about the day-care centre, You know there's a running track on the roof here!

Jason: Alright, well if you get swamped this week, I'd be happy to pitch in!

Paul: Oh, I may take you up on that.

Jason: I'll just have my chair call your chair.Hello!Hello!

Maggie: He has got to be kidding!Thelma, have you seen this assignment sheet?

Thelma: No.

Maggie: Thelma, you typed it!

Thelma: Well yeah, but I didn't read it; that way, I don't get involved.

Maggie: I'm supposed to do a feature entitled, "Winterizing your dog".So, rather than writing an insightful, respectable, journalistic piece for Esquire magazine, I'll be showing people how to put snow tyres on their Shiatsus

Thelma: Nice alliteration.

Boss: I have failed to make use of your journalistic talent.I accept full responsibility, as of today, I'm out of here.

Maggie: Well, I didn't mean that you had to quit!

Boss: I didn't quit, I'm fired!

Maggie: You're kidding!

Boss: No.I'm fired.If I were kidding, I would not be packing all of my worldly possessions into this incredibly smelly box.Do you want my happy feet?

Boss: Station manager's unhappy with our image, so we hired a media consulted.He consulted.I'm gone.

Maggie: But that is so unfair.Well, what if we're all gone?

Boss: Oh, I don't think you have to worry, Maggie, I said some very nice things about you.Of course, I said some very nice things about me too, and look what happened.Well, I guess that's about it.

Boss: You know, I might take a shot at print journalism again.That guy from Esquire that keeps calling you, what's his number?

Boss: Bye Maggie.

Maggie: Bye Sid.

Mike: Oh great Mom, you're home!

Maggie: Oh you are...

Mike: Yeah, I forgot Dad was at work, and I thought I might have to make my own dinner.

Maggie: Good to see you too, Mike.

Mike: Oh, Mom, you've had a hard day at work, huh?Maggie listen, you should really ease up, I mean you're getting some major frown lines.

Maggie: If you value your life Mike, back off.

Jason: Ha ha, hello Maggie, hello Mike.

Mike: Dad, get a grip on yourself.

Maggie: Well you seem to have had a good day.

Jason: Good, doesn't begin to describe it Maggie.I had a great day!!I'm telling you, I had the most fabulous office, the people down there are terrific, and today two...count 'em...two doctors consulted me on their cases.I have never been so excited!How was your day?

Maggie: My boss was fired, and I may be next!

Maggie: Oh Jason, it's like a morgue down at the station.They hired a media consulted to change our whole image, and today he was deciding who to can.

Jason: Oh, honey, just because you're being evaluated doesn't mean you're going to be fired.You're a good reporter, they're gonna realise that.

Maggie: That's true.I am a good reporter.

Jason: Remember that story of Gingivitis, please!!And that cute little dog wedding!Honey, when that little beagle caught the bouquet in his teeth, I cried!

Maggie: Oh, Jason!!

Carol: Can I get you anything else; cereal, a doughnut, eggs Florentine with hollandaise sauce...

Frank: I'm fine.

Carol: You're telling me.

Jason: Hi Carol, hey as long as you're fixing breakfast, can I get a scrambled egg?

Carol: Dad, you want me to be late for work!

Jason: Hi, Franky, I got a whole new way to go!!!You don't take suggestions well, do you?

Frank: Sorry.

Jason: Well, I just figured that...err...you know if you're tearing out all these book shelves anyway, why not put in...I don't know...a whole wall of Japanese screens.You know, maybe do the rest of the room in some blue/grey tones, huh?

Frank: I think I should have charged you by the hour.

Jason: Yeah.Well, I gotta run...my colleagues are expecting me.Well I guess I can't put it off any longer, I better get into the office.

Maggie: Oh, honey, you don't have to fake being down for me, I'm fine.

Jason: You sure?

Maggie: Yeah, what can I do?It's out of my hands.

Jason: Well, that's a very good attitude.

Maggie: But, if what I think is going to happen to me happens, and you have another great day...fake your little heart.

Maggie: They won't fire Dr.Claus, he's being doing the weather for ever.Dr.Claus, not you too!Dr.

Claus: Auf wiedersein.

Maggie: Well if that's the way they're going to be, I don't care if they fire me.

Maggie: Oh God, I hope they don't fire me.

Patient: So, I thought maybe I was wrong about my wife wanting to work.

Jason: Then, we're making progress.

Patient: I took your advice.I told her, you don't wanna be at home anymore, fine.

Jason: Bravo.

Patient: Haven't seen her for three days.

Jason: I'm very sorry.

Jason: Yeah, my secretary will get it.Alright, time's up Mr.Lapepki, and we'll be meeting again next week, but that will be back home, at my place.

Patient: Ah, I knew this place was too good to last.

Jason: Hey, Kevin, Kevin.Kevin did you get that call through to my wife?

Kevin: Yeah, they said she was in a meeting.

Paul: Hey, you got a minute, Jase?

Jason: Yeah sure, come on in.What is it?

Paul: Well, Phil called from Zurich this morning, he's taken a teaching job there.

Jason: Oh, you're kidding!What a great opportunity for him!Teaching and great cheese whenever you want it.

Paul: Well, it's a great opportunity for him, but what about me?I mean, he's abandoned me, just like my father did when I was a child; I was only five years old, which, as you know, is a very vulnerable age.

Jason: Well there's a reason your father abandoned you, Paul; he hated you!Everybody hates you!

Paul: Is this the way you talk to all your patients?

Jason: Well, I do when I think they're trying to con me about something.

Paul: Oh, I don't believe this!After twenty years of friendship, college, professional relationship!Jason, do you really think I'd be lessthan honest with you?

Jason: Oh yeah!

Paul: OK, you got me!But, wait a second now, here's the deal; how would you like to take over from Phil here?

Jason: Are you serious?

Paul: Look, it's obvious you enjoy being here.And you'd fit in perfect, come on, what do you say?

Jason: Oh, well it's a very unexpected offer...a very attractive offer.Maybe we could do something finally about that free clinic idea we had at lunch.

Paul: Absolutely!

Jason: This is exactly the kind of work situation I've always dreamed of!

Paul: Ah Jason, fantastic!!

Jason: I can't do it.

Paul: Oh wait a second, I promise I'll never hug you again.

Jason: No, Paul I have a deal with Maggie.We have always believed that one of us should be there for the kids at all times.It's her time for career opportunities, not mine!

Paul: Oh, come on, give me a break, Jase.I mean look, you can make a lot of money here, and that's important for your family too.And besides, you're the man of the house, what you say goes, right?

Jason: Well that's a very sexist thing to say...agreeable, but sexist.

Paul: Think Jase, this office can be yours, permanently.Yes, even the chair.

Paul: Wait a second, you're happy?

Jason: I'm happy, I'm happy, ha ha ha ha!

Paul: Jase, are you sure you're not blocking or displacing or repressing...

Jason: Yes.

Paul: Yes, you're repressing.

Jason: No, I'm not.

Paul: Well then, you're blocking.

Jason: No, no.

Paul: Yes you are.

Jason: No, no.

Paul: Are too.

Jason: Am not.

Paul: Are too!

Jason: Am not, am not.

Paul: Yeah, you just won't admit it!!

Jason: Am not!Am not!Am not!Am not!

Paul: Jason is blocking, blocking, blocking, blocking!

Ben: Hey, Mike check this out!

Mike: What the heck is that?

Ben: It's a laser light show machine that pulses with a jungle animal rhythm that cannot be denied.

Mike: Too much of that laser light Ben, and you'll go blind.

Ben: It's for a party tomorrow.

Mike: What party?

Ben: The one I didn't tell you about.The one that's a secret from everybody, especially...

Mike: Dad.

Jason: Hi guys.Go see Ben.There you go baby.

Carol: So, that brings us the end of my illustrious Sophomore year.As a junior, I face the future with...Dad, just because I'm being friendly doesn't mean I'm flirting.This is a perfectly acceptable outfit, give me a break.

Frank: So, what do you think?

Jason: About what?

Frank: About the troubles in the Middle East!About this office!

Jason: Oh yes, it's getting there, it's really getting there.I just wish those Japanese screens were over here, you know on this wall, over where Kevin sits.That's where..

Frank: Who's Kevin?

Jason: Kevin, my secretary.You know what I'm doing?

Frank: Not a clue.

Jason: I'm trying to make this room look like my office at work.All these suggestions that I was making randomly; they're not random, that was my subconscious talking.All this time, I thought I was tired of working in this room, no!What I'm tired of is working at home.Isn't that something?

Frank: Hoo, I'm stunned!

Frank: Well...

Jason: Yes, right, of course it is!!But still, would you pass up an opportunity like this?

Jason: I didn't think so.Let me ask you this; do you think that a man should be boss, do you think what a man says goes?

Frank: Well, that's a pretty sexist thing to say...agreeable but sexist.

Maggie: Hello, Jason, anybody home?

Jason: Oh, hi honey.

Maggie: Hi honey, how was your day?

Jason: Well errm, to tell you, since you asked, there was something I kind of wanted to talk about...

Jason: Seven years.

Maggie: Honey, is something wrong?

Maggie: Oh, I'm sorry I cut you off, sweetheart, what was it you wanted to say?

Jason: Well, errm...it doesn't compare to your news.

Maggie: Seven years!!
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