Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 4, Episode 14 - Feet of Clay - full transcript

Mike: How the heck did I let you talk me into getting up before the pigs just to get tickets to a stupid concert?

Ben: Because you are broke, and I'm paying you five bucks an hour.I hope we get there while there's still some good tickets left.

Mike: He he.Alright.That's another five bucks in my pocket.

Ben: And while I can still afford them.

Mike: So all these people are here to see Jonathon Keith.Kids today!

Ben: What's wrong with him?

Mike: Nothing, but let's face it, he's not The Whatever.

Ben: The who?

Ben: Hey!

Mike: Hey!What the heck are you doing...for breakfast?Ah, what's your name?

Ellie: Ellie.



Ben: Hey, that's the same name as Jonathon's wife.

Ellie: I know.What's your name?

Mike: Jonathon.

Ellie: Wow!

Mike: Yeah, what a coincidence, hu?

Ben: Don't listen to him.His name's not Jonathon.He's just my taxi driver.

Mike: You talking to me?I'm the only taxi driver here.Have you ever seen the movie "Taxi Driver"?

Ellie: With Danny Devito as Louis.

Ellie: Uh hu.

Ben: Hey look!Jonathon's on.

Mike: Am I the only one who doesn't hear any music?

Ben: Great song hu?

Ellie: You said it.

Man: Hey folks, can you believe it?The concert's sold out.



Everyone: Oh no!

Man: And I've been camped out here for three days man.

Ben: I can't believe this.I've been saving my money for months.What am I going to do?

Ben: You talking to me?

Jason: So was I right?You two were the only guys in line?

Ben: It was sold out.

Maggie: Oh pumpkin.

Jason: Sorry Ben.

Ben: Like I said, we should have camped out like I wanted.

Mike: If I'd have been on the clock, I could have been up for it.

Carol: Mike, sometimes you can be so thoughtless in what you say.

Ben: Man!Sold out, the cruelest word I ever heard.

Carol: Well actually Ben, it's two words.

Ben: Carol, I can think of another two words.

Maggie: Ben!

Ben: Sorry.I'm just upset.

Jason: Come on Ben.There'll be other concerts.

Ben: Not Jonathon's.

Jason: Well I wished there was something I could do son.

Mike: You could call a scalper dad.I'm sure the tickets would only be about two hundred bucks a piece.

Jason: Like I said.I wish there was something I could do.

Ben: Don't you guys know anybody who might have tickets?

Jason: All I know are psychiatrists Ben.

Ben: Well I was reading in a fan magazine that Jonathon's dad is a psychiatrist.

Jason: Yeah, well I don't know every psychiatrist.

Ben: Doctor Alexander Keith?

Jason: Alex Keith?

Ben: Uh hu.

Jason: From Boston?

Ben: Uh hu.

Maggie: Well yes.Is he the guy that though all those parties?

Ben: This is great.

Maggie: Oh!

Carol: What's the matter?

Maggie: I'm married to a man old enough to have a son as a rock star.

Jason: Think how I feel.

Jason: Ha!Alex's number is right here.

Maggie: When was the last time you spoke to him?

Jason: At the last reunion.

Maggie: Honey, that's quite a while ago.

Maggie: How many tickets did you get?

Jason: Maggie.

Maggie: Oh honey, I'm just trying to cheer you up with a little joke.

Maggie: I've got an idea.

Jason: I love it.

Maggie: I don't know why id didn't think of this before.

Jason: What is it?

Maggie: I'm going to call the entertainment editor at the station.Yes this is Maggie Malone for Steve Jerkins.He's always bragging about his music contacts.

Jason: Yeah well it's worth a shot.

Jason: Don't feel bad sweetheart.I failed too.

Maggie: That would be wonderful.Jason, how about if you and me take Ben tonight?

Jason: Sure.

Maggie: Oh Steve, I can't thank you enough.Oh no, no, no.Three tickets is plenty.Oh don't be silly.You don't have to send a limo.

Ben: Wow!

Maggie: Yes, and this afternoon we can go down to the arena and watch them do the sound check for tonight's concert.

Ben: I get to watch Jonathon set up for the show?

Jason: Uh hu.

Mike: You conned your old pal into giving you the tickets.Alright dad.I knew I got my gift from some place.

Ben: Thank you dad.Thank you, thank you.

Mike: Ben Ben Bennie.I think its time you learned the difference between gratitude and groveling.Alright?

Jason: Yeah, easy Ben.The look on your face is thanks enough for me.Oh, did I forget to mention that your mum actually got the tickets and arranged everything?I meant to mention that.I just ...I might have mentioned it to...

Mike: Yeah.

Maggie: Well Chrissy's napping and her food is in the refrigerator.The number to the Coliseum is...

Carol: Wow wow, why are you telling me?

Maggie: Because you are going to baby-sit this afternoon.

Carol: Oh mum, I would but I told Debbie we would go to a movie.

Maggie: Oh honey.Your father and I are really stuck.What if I offered you ten dollars?

Carol: Mum, I do not expect to get paid to baby-sit.It's my family duty.But I just can't break a commitment to Debbie.

Maggie: Twenty?

Carol: Who's Debbie?

Jason: Honey, mike has graciously agreed to baby-sit today.

Maggie: Yeah, how much?

Mike: Mother, I do not expect to be paid to baby-sit.It's a family duty.

Maggie: Jason?

Jason: Twenty bucks.

Maggie: Ok Carol, you can got to the movies with Debbie.

Carol: But mum, I really need the money, and you promised.

Mike: What party?I mean uh, what do you mean dad.I was all psyched to baby-sit tonight.Besides, 'm broke.

Jason: Hey Maggie.This is quite a bargain.Two babysitters for the price of five.

Ben: Jonathon's dressing room has got to be around here somewhere.

Maggie: Jason, was that sound check especially loud, or am I getting older than I thought?

Jason: Older.

Maggie: Older.

Jason: See, your hearing is fine.You're a young woman.

Ben: That's the door.I bet you that's it.

Jason: Ben, that door says janitor.

Ben: That's probably just to fool the bozoz.But it didn't fool me.

Jason: Well you know, he may have gone back to his hotel or something.He may not even be around here.That's the way Elvis used to do it.

Ben: Dad, Elvis is dead.

Man: Alright, Jonathon wants some hot coffee in his dressing room ASAP.

Man 2: Where am I going to find hot coffee at three o'clock in the afternoon?Ok, I'm on it.

Ben: He's here.Jonathon's here!I got to got o the bathroom again.

Maggie: That's not a bad idea.

Jason: What, the excitement is too much for you too?

Maggie: What?

Jason: Just go to the bathroom.

Maggie: Thank you, thank you.

Jason: Oh sorry.I didn't see you.

Man 3: No sweat pops.

Jonathon: Yeah, me too.

Jason: I guess I better not tell you either hu.Oh thanks.I'm Jason Seaver.

Jonathon: Jonathon Keith.

Jason: I know.Oh boy, my son's going to die you know.He's had us out here for the last hour, just to try to get a glimpse of you, and his kidneys pick now to pull him away.

Man 2: Yo Jonathon.That coffee will be here in about ten minutes.

Jonathon: Alright.Thanks pal.Well it's been a pleasure.Got to run.

Jason: Hey hey.wo wo.Ha ha.Uh uh Jonathon.Pardon me I know you got a million things to do, it being concert day and everything, but he'll be down here in about any second, I swear, so if you could just wait just a tinsy tinsy minute, you'll see...

Jonathon: Alright, alright, I'll tell you what man.If he's back within ten minutes, spring him by my dressing room.

Jason: Oh, that would be so terrific.Jonathon.Mine's the one marked janitor.Helps keep the bozos away.

Jason: Didn't fool me.

Jonathon: So, uh, I'll see you round.

Jason: See you.

Jonathon: Alright!

Jason: Alright.Ha ha ha.Alright.Oh, nice guy.

Jonathon: Tony, where you been man?Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it not your job to protect me?

Man 1: I was getting a doughnut.

Jonathon: You're out stuffing your fat face man, and some bozo hits on me to meet his stupid kid.

Man 1: I'm sorry.

Man 1: Hey!

Jason: It's alright, I belong here.I'm the original.Meggie.

Meggie: Where's Ben?

Jason: Still in the bathroom.

Maggie: And they say women take forever.

Jason: hey I just met Jonathon Keith, and I...

Maggie: Oh and he signed it.

Jason: Yeah, well I was just standing here and he came over, we started talking and before I knew it he said Ben could meet him in the dressing room.

Maggie: Are you kidding?

Jason: Yeah, but I got to tell you, I heard him say...

Maggie: Ben.Ben, your father has wonderful news.He's arranged it so that you can go back to Jonathon's dressing room and meet him.

Ben: Wow!

Jason: Yeah Ben, just a minute.Before you do...Ben.Nice to see you again.

Photographer: Make me believe it.

Ben: Ok, so where was I.Ok, yeah, my names...um..Um, um

Jason: Ben Seaver.

Ben: Yeah.

Jason: And Jonathon, this is my wife Maggie.She's also met your dad.

Jonathon: It's very very nice to meet you.

Maggie: My pleasure.

Jonathon: And this is my road manager Tony.He takes care of me.Sometimes.

Jason: I've heard.

Photographer: Hey Jonathon, how about one with your arm around him.Make me believe it.

Maggie: I bet Ben is your biggest fan.He knows everything about you.

Jonathon: Oh well I hope not.Ha ha.

Jason: Ha ha ha.

Ben: Well, I know you are twenty four, you're from Boston.I know that your song "My only one" was written for your wife Ellie.

Jonathon: Well she is my only one.She's at home with the baby.

Maggie: Ah!

Ben: I know all the words to "Don't be Down".Don't be down, uh hu, uh hu.Don't be down, uh hu, uh hu.Don't be...

Jonathon: Great.

Photographer: Ah Jonathon, one where you are interested in what he's saying.

Jonathon: So how did you end up crashing back stage?

Photographer: Make me believe it.

Ben: My mum called this guy at her TV station.

Maggie: See, I'm kind of a celebrity myself.I'm a reporter for Channel Nineteen.

Jonathon: Oh yeah.Very cool.

Maggie: I think you know our editor.Steve Jerkins?

Jonathon: Yeah.Yes, I do.

Maggie: He got us press seats.

Photographer: I got what I need.Thanks.

Jonathon: well, it's been nice meeting you.

Ben: Is it true you've got a dog named Grammy?

Jonathon: Yeah...

Ben: Is that your favorite guitar?

Jonathon: Ok Tony, would you make sure our guests receive front row tickets for tonight's show?

Man 1: Uh hu.

Ben: Front row!

Jonathon: Hey, I got connections.

Ben: Thanks Jonathon.

Maggie: Thank you.

Jonathon: Alright.Bye.You folks enjoy the show.

Ben: Bye.

Jonathon: Bye bye.

Man 2: Jonathon, Coffee's here.

Jonathon: One Valdez would approve.

Ben: He liked me.He really liked me.What a great guy.

Jason: He sure seems like a great guy.

Ben: Yeah, I can't wait to show my album to Veto and Stinky and the Bebos brothers.Oh no!I forgot my album.I'll be right back.

Maggie: Jason, after a while, didn't you get the sense that Jonathon was, uh, I don't know...

Jason: Full of bull?So was his father.Ben: Sorry Jonathon, I forgot my...

Jonathon: Damn it.I'm busy.

Ben: That's not Ellie.

Jonathon: Would you get the hell out of here.You snot nosed brat!Get out!Out !Out!Get out.

Maggie: He called you a bozo?

Jason: Uh hu.

Maggie: But he doesn't even know you.I mean...

Jason: I know what you mean.

Maggie: Oh here he comes.Pumpkin, are you ready to go?

Ben: Uh hu.

Jason: You got your album?

Ben: Uh hu.

Jason: You got to see Jonathon?

Ben: I sure did.

Jason: Ok.

Carol: Mike, Chrissy needs to be changed.

Mike: No she doesn't.

Carol: Then you do.

Mike: Alright, alright.She does.Well decide who changes Chrissy, fair and square.Alright, we'll flip for it.Heads.You look.

Jason: Hey Mike.

Mike: How was that sound check?

Maggie: Loud, but it was exciting.

Jason: Very.Where are the aspirin?

Ben: I'm going upstairs.

Jason: Yeah, you're going to go up and call your friends and tell them?

Ben: Yeah, that's a good idea.

Mike: Tell them what?

Maggie: Ben got to meet Jonathon Keith.

Mike: Hey hey!Alright Bennie!So was he everything you hoped he'd be?

Ben: More.

Carol: Why do I lose every single coin flip?

Ben: This belongs right here.

Carol: Ok.

Man: Hey, is this the right house?

Man: Yeah, I'm Boom Boom.

Jason: You're not here to pick up Carol are you?

Man: No, I'm here to pick up tickets.

Jason: What tickets?

Man: Boom Boom.

Jason: Boom Boom.Yeah.I don't know anything about this.

Man: Oh, well I talked to a guy named Mike on the phone and he said it's a done deal.He said just to go to the back house and be sure not to disturb his parents.

Jason: Ah ha.Look Boom Boom, I don't want to break the news to you, but these tickets aren't for sale.

Man: Oh, well sorry to disturb you then.Are you Carol?

Carol: No.

Jason: No she's not.Ben!

Ben: Yeah.

Jason: A guy named Boom Boom just left here and he said...Ben?

Ben: I don't feel too good.

Jason: Oh, what's the matter?

Ben: I've got a fever.

Jason: A hundred and twenty eight.

Ben: So I should probably stay in tonight, hu?

Jason: Yeah, and you should be basted too.

Ben: I knew it was bad.

Jason: What's going on Ben?

Ben: I told you.I'm not a well man.

Jason: You held this up to the light bulb, didn't you?

Ben: Ok, so maybe I don't have a temperature, but I'm still sick.

Jason: Uh hu.And what's this about Mike selling your tickets?

Ben: Well since I wasn't going to the concert, I figured I could make some easy money.

Jason: You used to have a poster of Jonathon Keith up there, didn't you?

Ben: I took it down.

Jason: Why?

Ben: It was making me sick.The ink or something.

Jason: Something happened today when you went backstage to get your album, didn't it?Uh?Hey?It's me remember.

Ben: Dad, Jonathon is a real jerk.I saw him kissing this lady who wasn't his wife and he called me a snot nosed little brat.

Jason: Sorry Ben.Hey I had a feeling that maybe Jonathon wasn't what you exactly what you thought when you...

Ben: He's just a big phony.I hate him.I wish I hadn't seen him today.I don't want to see him or his stupid music again.I'm going to get rid of his records right now.

Jason: Hey hey hey!

Ben: Oh no.

Jason: What?

Ben: What if all the guys whose records I like are jerks like Jonathon?What if all famous people are scum buckets?

Ben: I thought Jonathon liked me.I thought I liked him.

Ben: So?

Ben: Man, how can Jonathon act like that?I mean doesn't he know what a slime he is?

Jason: Maybe not.Maybe not.Maybe you know him better than he knows himself.

Ben: That doesn't make me feel any better.

Jason: Hey remember when you first heard that Kermit wasn't a real frog?

Ben: Don't remind me.

Jason: Yeah, well it took you months before you could even watch Sesame Street again.But you did.

Ben: I couldn't help it.It's a good show.

Ben: The man sure does write a good song.

Jason: Yeah.So come-on, why don't you and I just go to that concert and see if we can have some fun?

Ben: I don't know.

Ben: Dad, I don't like Gary Puckets' music.

Jason: Oh, so you go to a rock concert for the music?

Mike: Hey Bennie, Bennie, I have some great news.I have this guy who's coming over who's willing to pay big bucks for those tickets.

Jason: His name wouldn't be Boom Boom, would it?

Mike: Yeah.Yeah, you know him?

Jason: We went to med school together.

Mike: Yeah, anyway, Bennie this guy is...

Ben: Mike, I don't want to sell them.We're going to the concert.Right dad?

Jason: Right.

Ben: You are willing to give up three hundred bucks a ticket?

Ben: We don't care about the money, do we dad?

Jason: No.
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