Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 3, Episode 8 - Gone But Not Forgotten - full transcript
Burglars ransack the Seaver home and, more than just material belongings, steal the family's most valuable possession--their sense of safety and security.
Carol: Any time this year, Ben.
Ben: The lock is messed up.
Mike: You're messed up!
Carol: It's been a lovely birthday, Mike.Don't ruin it.
Mike: Mom, I'm not thinking of me.I'm thinking of poor old Dad who has to hold all your presents.
Jason: How thoughtful.
Ben: There.
Maggie: Oh, this has been a lot of fun.Well, I just want to thank all of you for such a ...
Jason: Maggie?Can I just put these down first?Thank you.
Maggie: Oh.Sure, sorry.I just want to thank all of you for your wonderful gifts.
Carol: Except Mike, of course.
Mike: What?
Carol: Next time you buy perfume, don't buy it at a bowling alley.
Maggie: Excuse me, why is the light on in the living room?
Jason: I don't know, maybe it burned out.
Maggie: Uh-huh.And you had nothing to do with it?
Jason: What?
Maggie: Carol?
Carol: What?
Maggie: Mike?
Mike: Hey, I didn't do it.
Carol: You guys are throwing me a surprise party!Oh!
Jason: Uh, no.
Maggie: Don't ever play poker Jason; you're a terrible bluffer.
Maggie: Right.
Jason: Maggie, all these years you've always said how you hate surprise parties.
Maggie: Yes, but underneath you knew what I really was saying and you ignored what I was saying and that's why I love you.
Jason: What are you saying?
Maggie: I'm ready for my party.Boy, is it dark in here, honey.You better turn on a light before I trip over something or somebody.Oh my god.
Ben: You know what?Someone's been here.
Carol: We've been robbed!
Mike: Yea.
Jason: Everybody just take it easy.First thing we'll call the police.
Maggie: Jason, look at my knick-knacks.
Jason: Well, those thieves didn't miss a thing.They even got the phone.
Ben: Why would someone rob us?We're the Seavers.
Jason: Come on.We'll use the one in the kitchen.
Mike: Oh, good at least they didn't take that phone.Dad!Dad!Don't touch it.There could be fingerprints anywhere.
Carol: I'd like to put my fingerprints somewhere.
Jason: Alright everybody.I just want you all to calm down, ok?
Carol: Calm down, Dad.We've been invaded here!
Ben: Yea, they could've taken my stuff!
Mike: Or mine!
Carol: Uh, excuse me!
Maggie: Would you look at this?The thieves actually had a cup of coffee.
Jason: Hello, yes, I want to report a burglary.Yea, my name is...
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: I know that.
Maggie: It's still hot.
Maggie: That's a noise!
Carol: I don't know, it sounded like someone walking through the bushes with a big knife and a gun, and they...
Jason: It's your imagination, Carol.
Maggie: Jason, it has been over an hour.Where are the police?
Mike: This just figures.There's only cops around when you don't need them.
Ben: Like when?
Mike: You know, like when you're speeding a little bit or sneaking into a drive-in or borrowing a street sign.These are just random examples, Dad.
Carol: Where are those clowns anyway?
Ben: The police are clowns!
Clown: Evenin' Seavers!
Jason: Yes, who are you?
Clown: [Singing] I'm a happy birthday clown!Happy birthday!Happy!Happy!Happy!
Jason: Hey!Hey!Hey!Hey!
Clown: Well, that was pretty rude.
Jason: Well, you were supposed to be here at nine o'clock.And you were supposed to be Humphrey Bogart.
Clown: Oh, wow.You're kidding.I feel terrible.What a mix up.You must think I'm a total bozo.
Maggie: Thank you anyway.
Clown: As long as I'm here, want me to make you a balloon rhino?
Carol: Less than anything in the world.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, robbed on my birthday.Jason, it just doesn't seem fair.
Jason: Yea, I wanted you to remember this birthday forever.
Mike: I think she will, Dad.
Ben: What are you people doing to me?
Officer Wright: Excuse me, are you the Seavers?
Jason: Yes, yes.
Officer Wright: Officer Wright, Long Island PD.You reported a burglary?
Mike: Uh, wait a minute.You got some ID?
Officer Wright: You think these are my jammy's son?
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Come on, Dad.He could've rented that from a costume shop.
Jason: The man is a policeman, Mike, ok?
Officer Wright: Thank you.
Jason: Do you have some ID?No, it's ok, no, we trust you.
Officer Wright: So how about we go inside so I can take down your report.
Jason: Well, we're not even sure the burglars have left yet.
Jason: Good thinking.Ok everybody, come on, let's go.
Maggie: Jason, I am still scared.
Jason: Maggie, look at the size of this guy.I feel safe.
Maggie: Ok.
Ben: You know, my grandpa's a cop, so I know all about it.
Officer Wright: I'll watch my step.
Ben: He's not black, though.
Officer Wright: Nobody's perfect.
Officer Wright: Excuse me.
Mike: Oh, right.
Officer Wright: What a shame.He reached right through here and popped the front door.
Mike: Hey, come on!You're touching the glass!How are you supposed to take fingerprints?
Officer Wright: We don't have the manpower to take prints on a minor crime.
Maggie: Minor?Minor?!Look what they did to my house!
Officer Wright: Well, no one was hurt.
Maggie: And that's our fault?
Mike: Look if you don't take fingerprints, how are you supposed put out an APB?
Officer Wright: We don't.
Mike: Well, not exactly Miami Vice now are we?
Officer Wright: You're not exactly the Cosby Show, either.
Carol: Uh, excuse me, but would it ruin any evidence if I go to the bathroom?Cause if not, we're gonna have a major problem.
Officer Wright: No, that should be ok.
Carol: Thanks.
Jason: Well, officer, if you don't take prints, what do you do?
Officer Wright: Well, first I look for any hard evidence; you know, burglar tools, footprints...
Ben: Point of entry.
Officer Wright: Right.Then we fill out a report listing all your stolen items.You'll need that for your insurance company.Then I go to my next burglary call.Is that how your grandpa would handle it?
Ben: No.He'd single-handedly capture the bad guys, take their guns, and be invited to the mayor's house for lunch and a hoist few.
Officer Wright: Wow.
Maggie: Well, say what you want.I don't understand how this is a minor crime.Our home has been violated.Personal things have been taken.And it's my birthday!
Officer Wright: Hey!Happy birthday!
Jason: Should we wait before we file the insurance claim?Give you guys a chance to find our stuff?Is that a no?
Maggie: Jason, look at this!
Jason: Just a second, honey.
Maggie: This is important.
Jason: What?
Maggie: My secret recipe chicken soup.It's gone, too.
Jason: Well, yea, maybe just one of the kids
Jason: Honey, we're missing a lot of things.What's so important about your chicken soup?
Maggie: I didn't make it for them!I made it for us!
Officer Wright: Well, that just about covers it.
Maggie: Add chicken soup to that list.
Officer Wright and Ben: What?
Maggie: Or is that too minor?
Ben: I'd do it.
Officer Wright: Chicken soup.
Maggie: With noodles.
Officer Wright: Got it.If there are any additional missing items, there's my card.
Ben: Wanna get a seek run a cup of coffee?
Officer Wright: Mm, not tonight.Too busy.
Ben: Oh, come on.You don't have to go yet!Stay!Eat!Mom, make him a cake!
Officer Wright: Can't stay little buddy.
Ben: But who's going to protect us when the bad guys get back?
Officer Wright: Hey, hey, hey.Don't worry.They won't come back tonight.
Ben: Tonight?
Maggie: And the silver candlesticks are gone, too.That's about it.
Jason: Aren't you forgetting something?
Maggie: What?
Jason: Well, that sweater your mother knitted for me.With the sleeve that's five feet long.
Maggie: It's right in your hand.
Jason: Well, you know that and I know that, but your mother doesn't know it!
Maggie: My mother worked very hard on that sweater.
Jason: That's why it's going to be such a tragic loss!Maggie?Honey, what is it?Hey.
Maggie: Oh, Jason.They came into my house, they touched our things, they went through everything.They know what size my underwear is!
Maggie: But what if they come back when we're here?
Jason: Why would they come back?
Maggie: Why did they come in the first place?
Ben: Hi.
Maggie: Hi, honey.
Ben: Can I come sleep with you guys?
Jason: Sure.
Ben: Hey, nobody's getting my stuff!
Carol: Uh, hi.
Maggie: Hi, sweetheart.
Carol: Uh, listen, you know, I was wondering.
Jason: Come on in!
Carol: Thanks!
Mike: Hey.
Ben: You scared, too?
Mike: Me?Scared?Come on, man.I just, uh, I thought you guys could use a little protection up here.
Ben: I don't buy that for a second.
Mike: Mommy!
Jason: Anybody else awake?
Everybody: Yes.
Jason: Well, this is silly.You know what I think?I think everybody should get up and we should go explore our feelings about what's happened.
Carol: I don't believe this.
Mike: I don't have anything to talk about.
Maggie: Oh, your dad's right.We could use some help falling asleep and listening to your father will put us right out.
Jason: Thank you.
Maggie: I didn't mean that.I don't know what I meant, but I didn't mean that.Ok, I meant it.
Jason: Come on, let's go.
Mike: Hey, Dad.You want me to wake Ben up?
Carol: So he can find out why he's having trouble sleeping?Oh, good Mike, good.
Jason: Well since something like this has never happened to us before it's important we dig into our anxiety.exam our feeling, we've got to go inward and downward.
Maggie: I know, I'll make coffee.
Jason: That will help up sleep?
Maggie: Ok, decaf.I'm in no mood to argue, Jason.
Carol: I see no reason whatsoever to discuss this a moment longer.
Jason: That's a good start.Mike?Mike.
Mike: Oh, right, right.Yea, yea, that's a real good start, Carol.Let's, let's get in touch a little bit with why you're so weird, alright?
Jason: This is not...
Carol: I bet one of your scum ball friends had something to do with this burglary.
Mike: Hey!Don't talk about my friends like that, alright?Eddie and Boner are too stupid to think of something like this.
Carol: You stinking...
Mike: Stinking what?
Jason: Hey!
Carol and Mike: What?!
Carol: Dad.
Jason: Let me finish!Maggie?
Jason: Honey, what is it?
Maggie: What is what?
Jason: You came in here to make coffee.
Maggie: You want me to make coffee?Jason, we're having a hard enough time getting to sleep as it is.
Jason: Great, then let's just go in and sit down and talk about what's disturbing us.
Maggie: Oh, nothing's disturbing me.Just because I want to sterilize everything that scum touched.
Jason: I know, I know.
Maggie: I mean, he had a cup of coffee, you want to drink out of the same coffee pot he did?
Jason: Honey, I don't even want coffee.
Maggie: Well, then, what did you ask me to make it for?Ben!
Maggie: Ben, why are you screaming?
Ben: When I woke up you guys were gone.I thought somebody stole you.
Mike: Oh, grow up, Ben.
Jason: Will you go easy on him, Mike?Ben, we're going to be downstairs.If you want to join us, we're going to be talking through our feelings.
Ben: I don't have any feelings.I'm fine.
Jason: You're fine?
Ben: I will be as soon as I change my shorts.
Jason: Ok, Mike, we'll come back to you.Ben, what about you?
Mike: Dad, do you think the thieves are sitting around the thieves place exploring their emotions?
Jason: Maggie, can you just sit down, please?
Maggie: Well, I can clean while we talk, can't I?
Jason: Alright, sure.Maggie could you turn that off?
Maggie: What?
Jason: Could you turn it off?
Maggie: I'm sorry.I couldn't hear you over the vacuum cleaner.
Jason: You're ok, Ben.It's all right.You're safe.You're safe.
Ben: Oh, good.
Mike: I wish I could buy that.
Ben: Are you saying we're not safe?
Mike: Let's put it this way, Ben.If some big dude breaks into the house, you think Dad is going to wrestle him to the ground?
Ben: Or Mom.
Jason: Alright, who else thinks there's a possibility someone else will break in?Come on.Be honest.Maggie!
Jason: No, I'm glad you didn't.This is good.Well, I mean it's good that we're finally able to admit that the reason we can't sleep is that we're afraid.All of us.
Ben: You're afraid, too?
Jason: Yes, Ben.
Ben: You're a dad and everything!
Mike: Dad, if you keep going on like this, this kid is going to explode.
Jason: Look, I don't mean to frighten anyone, but if we don't deal with this honestly, Ben's going to be dragging that box to college.
Ben: It's not heavy.
Carol: Well, what should we do?
Jason: Well, that's the question.Something terrible has just happened to us.What do we do?
Mike: Dad, is this one of those questions that you always ask us that you already know the answer to?
Jason: Well, I have some thoughts; I'd like to hear yours.
Maggie: I say we get a burglar alarm, the biggest and loudest.
Mike: Do you honestly think Sylv ester Stallone has a burglar alarm?
Maggie: No, his wife got that in the settlement.
Mike: Look, my point is the only way to protect yourself is with guns.Lots of them!
Ben: Yea!
Maggie: No!
Carol: That's so stupid.
Mike: You got a better idea.
Carol: As a matter of fact, I do.
Jason: Alright, let's hear it.
Carol: Ok.Well, ever since this has happened, I've been asking myself, why did the thieves come here?
Ben: Why?
Mike: To steal junk.
Carol: Exactly!
Mike: And they call her the genius?
Carol: You can't steal someone's possessions if they don't have any, right?So the answer is we get rid of all our possessions.
Mike: Everybody who thinks that's the stupidest idea they've ever heard, raise their hands.Alright, what's it going to be rifles or handguns?
Maggie: Neither, I will not have my children armed.It's as rule I have.I'm sorry I didn't mention it before.
Jason: Well, I'd like to explore Carol's idea.
Mike: This should be a short trip.
Jason: Now, wait a minute, Carol.Are you saying we should get rid of our furniture?
Carol: Yes!
Jason: Our appliances?
Carol: Sure!
Jason: Your hairdryer?
Carol: Well, seen in the proper perspective, a hairdryer really is nothing more than concentrated wind which is free and that's not a possession.
Ben: I wish I had a gun now.
Maggie: Jason, it would be helpful to limit this conversation to reasonable, rational solutions.
Jason: Like what?
Maggie: Like putting our house up for sale and moving to a small island off the coast of Maine.
Jason: Or why not a small island off the coast of France?
Maggie: We don't speak French!
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: Look, I know we can't move, but I sure feel like going somewhere that's secure.All I want is for my kids to feel as safe as I did when I was a little girl.
Mike: Right, because everyone knows that cops have guns!
Jason: Guns are not the answer, Mike!Besides, if we had a gun, that could have gotten stolen, too.And there's a distinct possibility that somebody could get accidentally shot while sneaking in here late.
Mike: That's a point.
Carol: So, we all agree.We give everything away.
Jason: Right!
Mike: What?
Maggie: Now, your father doesn't mean that, he's trying to make a point.You are trying to make a point, aren't you?
Jason: Well, I think Carol has a good idea.Why not get rid of all of our possessions?Yea, get rid of everything, that way nobody will rob us.
Carol: Right!
Jason: We'll be safe.
Carol: Exactly.
Jason: We can sit here, happy and secure, on a bare floor, naked.
Ben: Not me!
Jason: Well, we'll save some rags for clothes.
Carol: No brand names.
Jason: Fine!Fine, but then what happens one day somebody comes to the door, I forgot, we gave away the door, somebody comes to where the door used to be and they say well, I noticed you're all happy and secure in here, so why don't I just take that away, too?
Ben: Is this person a teacher?
Jason: It doesn't matter.
Carol: Dad, the question doesn't make sense.
Jason: Why not?
Carol: If we're feeling safe and secure, no one can steal that.
Jason: And isn't that exactly what they...
Carol: We're letting the thieves do to us.
Mike: Yea...
Jason: That's right.
Ben: So what the heck are we supposed to do?
Jason: We don't let them take it, Ben.We carry on.We do exactly what we would do every Saturday morning.
Ben: Listen to you yell at Mike for sneaking in late.
Jason: After that.
Maggie: We go out to breakfast.
Jason: Right!Come on, what do you say?
Ben: But who's going to watch my stuff?
Jason: Nobody, Ben.That's it, you see.Either you own your stuff or your stuff owns you.Mike!
Mike: I could eat.
Jason: Carol?
Carol: I feel like pigs in a blanket.Shut up, Mike.
Jason: Maggie?
Maggie: I knew you were making a point.I was sure of it all along.I never doubted you for a second.
Jason: Ok, come on.You've all got five minutes to change.
Maggie: Who needs Sylvester Stallone when we've got Jason Roland Seaver?
Mike: Roland?
Jason: Come on.Get upstairs.
Mike: Alright.
Jason: Go ahead, Ben.
Ben: Would it be alright if I just took my Garbage Pail Kids?
Jason: Yea, come on, our secret.
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Ben: The lock is messed up.
Mike: You're messed up!
Carol: It's been a lovely birthday, Mike.Don't ruin it.
Mike: Mom, I'm not thinking of me.I'm thinking of poor old Dad who has to hold all your presents.
Jason: How thoughtful.
Ben: There.
Maggie: Oh, this has been a lot of fun.Well, I just want to thank all of you for such a ...
Jason: Maggie?Can I just put these down first?Thank you.
Maggie: Oh.Sure, sorry.I just want to thank all of you for your wonderful gifts.
Carol: Except Mike, of course.
Mike: What?
Carol: Next time you buy perfume, don't buy it at a bowling alley.
Maggie: Excuse me, why is the light on in the living room?
Jason: I don't know, maybe it burned out.
Maggie: Uh-huh.And you had nothing to do with it?
Jason: What?
Maggie: Carol?
Carol: What?
Maggie: Mike?
Mike: Hey, I didn't do it.
Carol: You guys are throwing me a surprise party!Oh!
Jason: Uh, no.
Maggie: Don't ever play poker Jason; you're a terrible bluffer.
Maggie: Right.
Jason: Maggie, all these years you've always said how you hate surprise parties.
Maggie: Yes, but underneath you knew what I really was saying and you ignored what I was saying and that's why I love you.
Jason: What are you saying?
Maggie: I'm ready for my party.Boy, is it dark in here, honey.You better turn on a light before I trip over something or somebody.Oh my god.
Ben: You know what?Someone's been here.
Carol: We've been robbed!
Mike: Yea.
Jason: Everybody just take it easy.First thing we'll call the police.
Maggie: Jason, look at my knick-knacks.
Jason: Well, those thieves didn't miss a thing.They even got the phone.
Ben: Why would someone rob us?We're the Seavers.
Jason: Come on.We'll use the one in the kitchen.
Mike: Oh, good at least they didn't take that phone.Dad!Dad!Don't touch it.There could be fingerprints anywhere.
Carol: I'd like to put my fingerprints somewhere.
Jason: Alright everybody.I just want you all to calm down, ok?
Carol: Calm down, Dad.We've been invaded here!
Ben: Yea, they could've taken my stuff!
Mike: Or mine!
Carol: Uh, excuse me!
Maggie: Would you look at this?The thieves actually had a cup of coffee.
Jason: Hello, yes, I want to report a burglary.Yea, my name is...
Maggie: Jason!
Jason: I know that.
Maggie: It's still hot.
Maggie: That's a noise!
Carol: I don't know, it sounded like someone walking through the bushes with a big knife and a gun, and they...
Jason: It's your imagination, Carol.
Maggie: Jason, it has been over an hour.Where are the police?
Mike: This just figures.There's only cops around when you don't need them.
Ben: Like when?
Mike: You know, like when you're speeding a little bit or sneaking into a drive-in or borrowing a street sign.These are just random examples, Dad.
Carol: Where are those clowns anyway?
Ben: The police are clowns!
Clown: Evenin' Seavers!
Jason: Yes, who are you?
Clown: [Singing] I'm a happy birthday clown!Happy birthday!Happy!Happy!Happy!
Jason: Hey!Hey!Hey!Hey!
Clown: Well, that was pretty rude.
Jason: Well, you were supposed to be here at nine o'clock.And you were supposed to be Humphrey Bogart.
Clown: Oh, wow.You're kidding.I feel terrible.What a mix up.You must think I'm a total bozo.
Maggie: Thank you anyway.
Clown: As long as I'm here, want me to make you a balloon rhino?
Carol: Less than anything in the world.
Maggie: Oh, Jason, robbed on my birthday.Jason, it just doesn't seem fair.
Jason: Yea, I wanted you to remember this birthday forever.
Mike: I think she will, Dad.
Ben: What are you people doing to me?
Officer Wright: Excuse me, are you the Seavers?
Jason: Yes, yes.
Officer Wright: Officer Wright, Long Island PD.You reported a burglary?
Mike: Uh, wait a minute.You got some ID?
Officer Wright: You think these are my jammy's son?
Jason: Mike.
Mike: Come on, Dad.He could've rented that from a costume shop.
Jason: The man is a policeman, Mike, ok?
Officer Wright: Thank you.
Jason: Do you have some ID?No, it's ok, no, we trust you.
Officer Wright: So how about we go inside so I can take down your report.
Jason: Well, we're not even sure the burglars have left yet.
Jason: Good thinking.Ok everybody, come on, let's go.
Maggie: Jason, I am still scared.
Jason: Maggie, look at the size of this guy.I feel safe.
Maggie: Ok.
Ben: You know, my grandpa's a cop, so I know all about it.
Officer Wright: I'll watch my step.
Ben: He's not black, though.
Officer Wright: Nobody's perfect.
Officer Wright: Excuse me.
Mike: Oh, right.
Officer Wright: What a shame.He reached right through here and popped the front door.
Mike: Hey, come on!You're touching the glass!How are you supposed to take fingerprints?
Officer Wright: We don't have the manpower to take prints on a minor crime.
Maggie: Minor?Minor?!Look what they did to my house!
Officer Wright: Well, no one was hurt.
Maggie: And that's our fault?
Mike: Look if you don't take fingerprints, how are you supposed put out an APB?
Officer Wright: We don't.
Mike: Well, not exactly Miami Vice now are we?
Officer Wright: You're not exactly the Cosby Show, either.
Carol: Uh, excuse me, but would it ruin any evidence if I go to the bathroom?Cause if not, we're gonna have a major problem.
Officer Wright: No, that should be ok.
Carol: Thanks.
Jason: Well, officer, if you don't take prints, what do you do?
Officer Wright: Well, first I look for any hard evidence; you know, burglar tools, footprints...
Ben: Point of entry.
Officer Wright: Right.Then we fill out a report listing all your stolen items.You'll need that for your insurance company.Then I go to my next burglary call.Is that how your grandpa would handle it?
Ben: No.He'd single-handedly capture the bad guys, take their guns, and be invited to the mayor's house for lunch and a hoist few.
Officer Wright: Wow.
Maggie: Well, say what you want.I don't understand how this is a minor crime.Our home has been violated.Personal things have been taken.And it's my birthday!
Officer Wright: Hey!Happy birthday!
Jason: Should we wait before we file the insurance claim?Give you guys a chance to find our stuff?Is that a no?
Maggie: Jason, look at this!
Jason: Just a second, honey.
Maggie: This is important.
Jason: What?
Maggie: My secret recipe chicken soup.It's gone, too.
Jason: Well, yea, maybe just one of the kids
Jason: Honey, we're missing a lot of things.What's so important about your chicken soup?
Maggie: I didn't make it for them!I made it for us!
Officer Wright: Well, that just about covers it.
Maggie: Add chicken soup to that list.
Officer Wright and Ben: What?
Maggie: Or is that too minor?
Ben: I'd do it.
Officer Wright: Chicken soup.
Maggie: With noodles.
Officer Wright: Got it.If there are any additional missing items, there's my card.
Ben: Wanna get a seek run a cup of coffee?
Officer Wright: Mm, not tonight.Too busy.
Ben: Oh, come on.You don't have to go yet!Stay!Eat!Mom, make him a cake!
Officer Wright: Can't stay little buddy.
Ben: But who's going to protect us when the bad guys get back?
Officer Wright: Hey, hey, hey.Don't worry.They won't come back tonight.
Ben: Tonight?
Maggie: And the silver candlesticks are gone, too.That's about it.
Jason: Aren't you forgetting something?
Maggie: What?
Jason: Well, that sweater your mother knitted for me.With the sleeve that's five feet long.
Maggie: It's right in your hand.
Jason: Well, you know that and I know that, but your mother doesn't know it!
Maggie: My mother worked very hard on that sweater.
Jason: That's why it's going to be such a tragic loss!Maggie?Honey, what is it?Hey.
Maggie: Oh, Jason.They came into my house, they touched our things, they went through everything.They know what size my underwear is!
Maggie: But what if they come back when we're here?
Jason: Why would they come back?
Maggie: Why did they come in the first place?
Ben: Hi.
Maggie: Hi, honey.
Ben: Can I come sleep with you guys?
Jason: Sure.
Ben: Hey, nobody's getting my stuff!
Carol: Uh, hi.
Maggie: Hi, sweetheart.
Carol: Uh, listen, you know, I was wondering.
Jason: Come on in!
Carol: Thanks!
Mike: Hey.
Ben: You scared, too?
Mike: Me?Scared?Come on, man.I just, uh, I thought you guys could use a little protection up here.
Ben: I don't buy that for a second.
Mike: Mommy!
Jason: Anybody else awake?
Everybody: Yes.
Jason: Well, this is silly.You know what I think?I think everybody should get up and we should go explore our feelings about what's happened.
Carol: I don't believe this.
Mike: I don't have anything to talk about.
Maggie: Oh, your dad's right.We could use some help falling asleep and listening to your father will put us right out.
Jason: Thank you.
Maggie: I didn't mean that.I don't know what I meant, but I didn't mean that.Ok, I meant it.
Jason: Come on, let's go.
Mike: Hey, Dad.You want me to wake Ben up?
Carol: So he can find out why he's having trouble sleeping?Oh, good Mike, good.
Jason: Well since something like this has never happened to us before it's important we dig into our anxiety.exam our feeling, we've got to go inward and downward.
Maggie: I know, I'll make coffee.
Jason: That will help up sleep?
Maggie: Ok, decaf.I'm in no mood to argue, Jason.
Carol: I see no reason whatsoever to discuss this a moment longer.
Jason: That's a good start.Mike?Mike.
Mike: Oh, right, right.Yea, yea, that's a real good start, Carol.Let's, let's get in touch a little bit with why you're so weird, alright?
Jason: This is not...
Carol: I bet one of your scum ball friends had something to do with this burglary.
Mike: Hey!Don't talk about my friends like that, alright?Eddie and Boner are too stupid to think of something like this.
Carol: You stinking...
Mike: Stinking what?
Jason: Hey!
Carol and Mike: What?!
Carol: Dad.
Jason: Let me finish!Maggie?
Jason: Honey, what is it?
Maggie: What is what?
Jason: You came in here to make coffee.
Maggie: You want me to make coffee?Jason, we're having a hard enough time getting to sleep as it is.
Jason: Great, then let's just go in and sit down and talk about what's disturbing us.
Maggie: Oh, nothing's disturbing me.Just because I want to sterilize everything that scum touched.
Jason: I know, I know.
Maggie: I mean, he had a cup of coffee, you want to drink out of the same coffee pot he did?
Jason: Honey, I don't even want coffee.
Maggie: Well, then, what did you ask me to make it for?Ben!
Maggie: Ben, why are you screaming?
Ben: When I woke up you guys were gone.I thought somebody stole you.
Mike: Oh, grow up, Ben.
Jason: Will you go easy on him, Mike?Ben, we're going to be downstairs.If you want to join us, we're going to be talking through our feelings.
Ben: I don't have any feelings.I'm fine.
Jason: You're fine?
Ben: I will be as soon as I change my shorts.
Jason: Ok, Mike, we'll come back to you.Ben, what about you?
Mike: Dad, do you think the thieves are sitting around the thieves place exploring their emotions?
Jason: Maggie, can you just sit down, please?
Maggie: Well, I can clean while we talk, can't I?
Jason: Alright, sure.Maggie could you turn that off?
Maggie: What?
Jason: Could you turn it off?
Maggie: I'm sorry.I couldn't hear you over the vacuum cleaner.
Jason: You're ok, Ben.It's all right.You're safe.You're safe.
Ben: Oh, good.
Mike: I wish I could buy that.
Ben: Are you saying we're not safe?
Mike: Let's put it this way, Ben.If some big dude breaks into the house, you think Dad is going to wrestle him to the ground?
Ben: Or Mom.
Jason: Alright, who else thinks there's a possibility someone else will break in?Come on.Be honest.Maggie!
Jason: No, I'm glad you didn't.This is good.Well, I mean it's good that we're finally able to admit that the reason we can't sleep is that we're afraid.All of us.
Ben: You're afraid, too?
Jason: Yes, Ben.
Ben: You're a dad and everything!
Mike: Dad, if you keep going on like this, this kid is going to explode.
Jason: Look, I don't mean to frighten anyone, but if we don't deal with this honestly, Ben's going to be dragging that box to college.
Ben: It's not heavy.
Carol: Well, what should we do?
Jason: Well, that's the question.Something terrible has just happened to us.What do we do?
Mike: Dad, is this one of those questions that you always ask us that you already know the answer to?
Jason: Well, I have some thoughts; I'd like to hear yours.
Maggie: I say we get a burglar alarm, the biggest and loudest.
Mike: Do you honestly think Sylv ester Stallone has a burglar alarm?
Maggie: No, his wife got that in the settlement.
Mike: Look, my point is the only way to protect yourself is with guns.Lots of them!
Ben: Yea!
Maggie: No!
Carol: That's so stupid.
Mike: You got a better idea.
Carol: As a matter of fact, I do.
Jason: Alright, let's hear it.
Carol: Ok.Well, ever since this has happened, I've been asking myself, why did the thieves come here?
Ben: Why?
Mike: To steal junk.
Carol: Exactly!
Mike: And they call her the genius?
Carol: You can't steal someone's possessions if they don't have any, right?So the answer is we get rid of all our possessions.
Mike: Everybody who thinks that's the stupidest idea they've ever heard, raise their hands.Alright, what's it going to be rifles or handguns?
Maggie: Neither, I will not have my children armed.It's as rule I have.I'm sorry I didn't mention it before.
Jason: Well, I'd like to explore Carol's idea.
Mike: This should be a short trip.
Jason: Now, wait a minute, Carol.Are you saying we should get rid of our furniture?
Carol: Yes!
Jason: Our appliances?
Carol: Sure!
Jason: Your hairdryer?
Carol: Well, seen in the proper perspective, a hairdryer really is nothing more than concentrated wind which is free and that's not a possession.
Ben: I wish I had a gun now.
Maggie: Jason, it would be helpful to limit this conversation to reasonable, rational solutions.
Jason: Like what?
Maggie: Like putting our house up for sale and moving to a small island off the coast of Maine.
Jason: Or why not a small island off the coast of France?
Maggie: We don't speak French!
Jason: Maggie!
Maggie: Look, I know we can't move, but I sure feel like going somewhere that's secure.All I want is for my kids to feel as safe as I did when I was a little girl.
Mike: Right, because everyone knows that cops have guns!
Jason: Guns are not the answer, Mike!Besides, if we had a gun, that could have gotten stolen, too.And there's a distinct possibility that somebody could get accidentally shot while sneaking in here late.
Mike: That's a point.
Carol: So, we all agree.We give everything away.
Jason: Right!
Mike: What?
Maggie: Now, your father doesn't mean that, he's trying to make a point.You are trying to make a point, aren't you?
Jason: Well, I think Carol has a good idea.Why not get rid of all of our possessions?Yea, get rid of everything, that way nobody will rob us.
Carol: Right!
Jason: We'll be safe.
Carol: Exactly.
Jason: We can sit here, happy and secure, on a bare floor, naked.
Ben: Not me!
Jason: Well, we'll save some rags for clothes.
Carol: No brand names.
Jason: Fine!Fine, but then what happens one day somebody comes to the door, I forgot, we gave away the door, somebody comes to where the door used to be and they say well, I noticed you're all happy and secure in here, so why don't I just take that away, too?
Ben: Is this person a teacher?
Jason: It doesn't matter.
Carol: Dad, the question doesn't make sense.
Jason: Why not?
Carol: If we're feeling safe and secure, no one can steal that.
Jason: And isn't that exactly what they...
Carol: We're letting the thieves do to us.
Mike: Yea...
Jason: That's right.
Ben: So what the heck are we supposed to do?
Jason: We don't let them take it, Ben.We carry on.We do exactly what we would do every Saturday morning.
Ben: Listen to you yell at Mike for sneaking in late.
Jason: After that.
Maggie: We go out to breakfast.
Jason: Right!Come on, what do you say?
Ben: But who's going to watch my stuff?
Jason: Nobody, Ben.That's it, you see.Either you own your stuff or your stuff owns you.Mike!
Mike: I could eat.
Jason: Carol?
Carol: I feel like pigs in a blanket.Shut up, Mike.
Jason: Maggie?
Maggie: I knew you were making a point.I was sure of it all along.I never doubted you for a second.
Jason: Ok, come on.You've all got five minutes to change.
Maggie: Who needs Sylvester Stallone when we've got Jason Roland Seaver?
Mike: Roland?
Jason: Come on.Get upstairs.
Mike: Alright.
Jason: Go ahead, Ben.
Ben: Would it be alright if I just took my Garbage Pail Kids?
Jason: Yea, come on, our secret.
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