Growing Pains (1985–1992): Season 2, Episode 8 - Jason's Rib - full transcript

She was a cop looking for
corruption in all the wrong places.

And she's a mother raising
a boy who's begun to ask...

why his mom packs a.38.

It's Undercover Mother.

Kids?

Hey, guys.

Ben, you know
your bedtime, right?

- One a.m.
- Ben.

Okay, 9. Hey, it
was worth a shot.

Honey, terrible news.

We're going to have to miss
the parents' meeting, gosh darn it.



My car won't start.

- What did you do to it?
- Nothing.

Jason Seaver, you
are just trying to get out

of this parents' meeting
because it's boring.

- You think you know me so well.
- Oh, no. I know I know you.

I know I know you. I know
you think you know me.

I know you enough to know
you think I only think I know you.

- I knew you'd say that.
- Stop!

Here. Look, just take my car.

Thanks, Mike. You're a prince.

Yeah, I want you to
remember this is a car, not a toy.

Treat it that way.

Yes, sir.

So why would you
lend them your car?



Well, either they gotta fill up the
gas tank or they're not coming back.

Either way, I win.

I wanna watch something good.

I'm not crazy about spending
an evening debating...

whether or not the school cafeteria
should serve beans and weenies...

which by the way,
I'm dead against.

But we do have a
responsibility as parents.

Maggie, I'm crushed.

I'm every bit as responsible
and adult as you are.

Hey, chucklehead. Blow it
out your tailpipe. Ha-ha-ha.

- Are you quite finished?
- Yes.

Sure you don't wanna pull up
alongside him and moon him?

Come on, Maggie.
It's the middle of winter.

I know that hidden somewhere
beneath that juvenile exterior...

is a responsible person.

Thank you.

- Wanna steer?
- Jason.

Come on, relax. We're gonna
make it to the meeting and then...

Oh, wow.

What?

That movie theatre there. They
are playing A Man and A Woman.

- Oh, what a wonderful old movie.
- Mm-hm.

- Remember when we saw it the first time?
- Of course I do. It was our first date.

No, it was our second date.

On the first date I picked
you up at the women's lib rally.

No, no, no. You
didn't pick me up.

I picked you up. Ha-ha-ha!

- Yeah.
- Oh, Jason.

Let's go see it.

What about the meeting?

We could put in a token
appearance and then duck out.

Boy, I don't know.

We have our responsibilities.

You were just convincing me a
minute ago that we should probably...

All right.

All right, already. Enough
with the freaking talk.

Let's call for a vote.

All those in favor
signify by saying aye.

Aye.

- Anybody opposed?
- No.

Ayes have it.

Motion is carried.
Beans and weenies it is.

Salvatore Babotz, you're
trying to railroad this through...

because you've got the
school weenie contract.

Put a cork in it, Yvonne, huh?

- Roll call, roll call.
- Roll call, roll call.

The movie starts in 15 minutes.

Wait now, don't
attract attention.

- I'll sneak out. Follow me in a minute.
- Why do you get to leave first?

- Well, you wanna put it to a vote?
- No.

You go, I'll be the adult.

- You sneak out.
- Okay.

Yvonne, we've wasted
enough time on this.

Besides, you don't even
have a kid in this school.

Oh, sure, bring that up again.

All right.

Next item on the agenda is whether
we should establish a dress code...

for our little monkeys
here at Dewey High.

Anybody have anything to say?

Anybody have anything
intelligent to say?

Yo, Doc.

- Go ahead.
- Pardon me?

Say what you wanna say
about this dress code deal.

Oh, well, actually I was
just going to say that...

I don't think the dress code
is the school's business.

I think the children and
their parents together...

should decide what's proper and why
do we wanna to stifle that communication?

Whoa.

You actually want your teenage
kids to communicate with you?

Yes, Mr. Hicks, yes.

I wanna know exactly
what's on their minds.

I couldn't live like that.

Are we saying
that we as parents...

we don't want to be involved in
the shaping of our kids' ideas...

and their goals, ambitions?

You haven't met
my little Newton.

Well, if that's how you feel, Braxton,
then why stop at a dress code?

Why not have full military uniforms,
we'll give them all little burr haircuts.

Is that a motion, Doc?

No, no, no. Who here
understands what I'm trying to say?

- Oh, I do, I do.
- Come on.

You're saying that we
should let the kids discover...

- who they're going to be.
- Yes.

And if that means they're
going to rebel a little bit, so what?

Exactly.

If that means they're going to be
putting safety pins in their ears, fine.

No, I wasn't
gonna go that far...

Bringing small-caliber
pistols to school? No problem.

Because that's what
they're going to be doing...

if we keep on serving
them beans and weenies.

Just a moment here.

Thanks, Yvonne.

- Psst! What's going on?
- Maggie.

Excuse me. I'm just
trying to make a point here.

- I thought were trying to make a movie.
- We will. Just...

You know my wife, lovely,
respected journalist, Maggie.

Why don't you tell these
people how you would feel...

if they imposed a dress
code at Dewey High.

Oh, I'd love it.

You would hate a dress code.

Jason, I don't wanna
argue about this.

Neither do I, just
help me out here.

Tell the people that a dress
code is wrong. It's wrong.

I don't think it is.

Ooh.

Wait, wait, Maggie didn't have the
benefit of my opening remarks here...

because I know you
and I know you'd agree.

Well, Jason, I know
myself and I don't agree.

Ohh!

You can't side with these
people when they're on a...

Because it's a ridiculous
thing. It's ridiculous.

- But it makes sense.
- Well, not to any thinking person.

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, okay, okay, Jason, okay.

So how does a thinking
person suggest...

we teach our kids respect
for the learning process...

and help them build character?

- All right.
- Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

Clothes do not build character.

Ha! Talk to Don Johnson.

- I don't wanna talk to Don Johnson.
- Well, maybe I do.

So would I.

Okay. Maggie, think, please.

Think. You are a
liberal humanist.

No, Jason, you are. And you
are always getting us confused.

I know that Maggie, once she's
had a chance to think about this...

you will realize...
Wait a minute.

Are you implying that because I
disagree with you, I'm not thinking?

No, I'm just saying
you're a little distracted.

- Distracted?
- Yes, you...

She came in here tonight
with nothing on her mind...

other than sneaking
out to some stupid movie.

Well, whose idea was the
stupid movie in the first place?

No, I just mentioned
it was playing.

Oh, sure, with that
come-hither look in your eyes.

- Is this a come-hither look?
- Not to me.

And who was humming:

What's the name of that movie?

- Oh, forget the movie, please.
- Fine, fine, you brought it up.

Exactly.

Listen, this is far too important
an issue for us to decide about it...

without using reason
instead of ignorance.

Ignorance?

Wait, wait, wait. Ignorance,
there's a very interesting word.

If you know the meaning of... If
you look up in your dictionaries...

you would see that ignorant
doesn't mean dumb, for instance.

Ignorant means uninformed.

Well, here, my wife, Maggie,
who is certainly not dumb.

A very bright woman, but...

Well, ignorant. In this case.
In this case. In one case.

Just this one. An
isolated incident.

Not always, not always.

Boy, I am hungry. Are
you hungry? I'm hungry.

Shall we stop and eat? Hm?

What do you feel like?

I feel like dirt.

Oh, well, let's go to the
International House of Dirt. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, I have a better idea.

Why don't we just pull in here and
see if they have a midnight showing...

of A Man and A Woman? Hm?

I'll check with the cashier.
You just keep smiling.

Maggie.

Maggie. Maggie!

Hey, don't you think you're
overreacting just a little bit?

It's a two-strike count. Bottom
of the ninth, bases loaded.

But Marvelous Mike, the fiery right-hander,
doesn't worry as he eyes the crowd.

He checks the signals...

takes a deep breath,
reaches for the rosin bag, spits.

Will you just pitch
the stupid ball?

I just did. Strike
three, two outs.

- Ben?
- I'm down to my last man.

- Ben.
- What?

- Strike one.
- Hey.

You were supposed
to be in bed by 9:00.

I was. Nobody said anything
about having to stay there.

Carol, would you just
leave my buddy Ben alone?

He and I are trying to get
exercise before we turn in.

- Yeah.
- So why don't you just...?

- Strike two.
- I hate you.

Fine, fine, fine. You
guys do what you want.

I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes when
Mom and Dad walk through that door...

and see how openly
you disobeyed them.

Where were we?

Oh, yeah, a good
clean game of baseball.

Wait a minute. My
controller's not working.

Out of the park. Grand
slam home run, I win.

Why, you little... Uh-oh.

Mom, hi.

Look, Ben, this is the last time
I'm gonna tell you, go to bed.

Mom, I can explain.

Good night, boys.
See you in the morning.

This could be a trick.

- Mom, where's Dad?
- Who?

Tall guy, nice smile,
looks like a talk show host?

Oh, him. He's at the movies.

- Fight.
- Fight.

Hi, boys. Mother home yet?

Blonde woman, looks
like Donna DeVarona?

- Yeah, that's her.
- Upstairs.

Great.

That's great. Okay,
good night, boys.

Wow, he didn't send
me to bed either.

What do you say we
go for a double-header?

No, I think I'll turn in.

- Strike one.
- Hey.

Taxi.

Oh.

Maggie, anger is not something
that should be left inside...

to seethe and fester.

Jason, you make our marriage
sound like a boil that needs lancing.

Okay, that's good.
Come on, go with that.

I'd rather not talk
about this right now...

because I might say or
do something that I'd regret.

What, like leaving me stranded
outside the Mighty Fine Arts Cinema?

No, I said something
that I'd regret.

All right, look, I am sorry that I was
rude. I admit that I was thoughtless.

I admit I got a
little carried away.

Oh, honey, it's okay.

Because I know how frustrating it must be
to deal with someone as ignorant as I am.

- Maggie...
- Ignorance is such a terrible burden.

I explained I was using the term
"ignorant" in its classic sense.

I know you can't be this
upset over the word ignor...

Over that word.

I know that you're sublimating.
Tell me what you're sublimating.

Sublimating?

Well, I'll tell you
what I'm sublimating.

I am sublimating at this very
instant, a sincere desire to tell you...

exactly what I feel about
psychiatric terms like "sublimating."

All right, I won't use
psychiatric terms.

Just tell me what's
got you so upset.

- You really don't know, do you?
- Well, not precisely, no.

I am stunned that you
don't know, Jason...

since I don't have a thought in
my head that you haven't put there.

That's what I thought.

No, no, no. That's
not what I thought.

I'll tell you what I thought.

I thought you meant it when you
said the best thing about our marriage...

was the fact that we're both individuals
with ideas, ambitions and identities.

- Well, you know I do.
- I know you did.

Until tonight, I heard you
blurt out how you really feel.

I didn't blurt.

So you thought about
it before you said it?

I was... I always have a...

You've taken a word out of context
and you've blown it out of all proportion.

There I go, showing my
classic ignorance again.

Come on, you know
as well as I do...

I love the fact that you have your
own ideas, you have your own identity.

I don't even mind a little
disagreement, Maggie, I thrive on it.

Well, Jason, you're
in for some real fun.

- Okay, now, I'm getting angry.
- Go with that.

- Maggie.
- Don't sublimate.

You're so upset because this
one silly, stupid little remark...

that accidentally blurted out.

Ah!

So you admit that you blurted.

Oh, are we back to that again?

Jason, you are
the psychiatrist...

and I'm surprised that you don't know
when a person blurts out something...

it is usually how
they really feel.

- Nuts.
- See?

You know, I don't see
any point in continuing this.

Do you see any point in
continuing this? No, I don't.

I think that the way you're acting
tonight, I don't even know you.

- Well, that's exactly how I feel.
- Oh, well, blurt, blurt.

Ben, I cannot sit here and
watch you eat that for breakfast.

So close your eyes.

Do you guys have any
idea what's going on?

- You are not gonna believe this.
- Mom and Dad are fighting.

How did you know?

Well, first, Dad
slept on the couch.

Second, he didn't just dress up
to go jogging, he actually went.

Not only that, Mom actually said
we should get our own breakfast.

Well, we've gotta do
something about this.

Why?

Mike, this is Mom and
Dad we're talking about.

I mean, at their age, somebody
has to look out for them.

True. I think we should clear this thing
up before Ben becomes a total porker.

Hey, I'm making the
best out of a bad situation.

I know what would work.

They couldn't be mad at each other
if one of their kids were in trouble.

No, no, no. Carol,
I'm always in trouble.

No, no, no, I mean like... Hurt.

Forget it.

Wait. Oh, I got it, I got it.

Oh, this is great. So
simple, so perfect, so right.

You know, sometimes
my brain frightens me.

Now, get this.

I'm gonna send Mom a huge
bouquet and a wimpy apology from Dad.

That's your idea?

- Yeah.
- Mike, it'll never work.

Well, it did on The Cosby Show.

That's TV. This is real life.

Hold it. You're saying
The Cosby Show isn't real?

Well, Mike, how do you know it's
Dad who should apologize to Mom?

Well, Carol, whenever a
man and a woman fight...

every guy on the planet
knows who has to apologize.

Honey?

Honey.

Honey.

What?

Well, I was
wondering if maybe...

I could just have a word with
you before you went to work.

I'm running kind
of late this morning.

I'm interviewing Governor
Cuomo. How about tonight?

Well, I was hoping we could,
you know, talk just before you left...

because I've been thinking about the
way things sometimes get out of hand...

and events gain a
momentum of their own.

And then we end up
saying things we don't mean.

- I know...
- Gotta go.

Maggie, Maggie,
Maggie, hold on a second.

I can't. My interview's
in half an hour.

- Don't you think you should dress for it?
- Jason, I don't need a fashion critique.

I hardly slept last night and I'm
not thinking clearly this morning.

Well, this is beyond fashion.

If you approach the
governor like that...

his bodyguards are gonna
wrestle you to the ground.

So, what do you wear when
you interview the governor?

I'm just saying this is a
respected public official.

This is Mario Cuomo,
not Bozo Cuomo.

So clothing has something
to do with character?

Of course.

No. No, no, come on. I...

No, too late, Jason. You said
it. You feel the same way I do.

- I don't.
- You do.

I don't.

Just because you feel one way
doesn't mean I have to feel the same way.

Exactly. That's exactly the
point I've been trying to make.

But you tricked me.

Honey, I wouldn't have
stooped so low if I didn't love you.

So I deserve to be tricked?

I guess I do.

I'm really sorry about
what I said last night.

Honey, you embarrassed
me in front of all those people.

I'm sorry.

I was ignorant.

But just for the record...

I still don't believe in
dress codes at school.

And just for the
record, I'm still for them.

So we can either
debate about it, or we...

Kiss.

Kiss.

Excuse me.

Dr. Jason Seaver?

- Oh, honey, you shouldn't have.
- It's my job.

"Jason, I love you, even when you think
you don't agree with me. Love, Maggie."

Oh, honey, that's so sweet.

- I just thought that after...
- I wish I had been...

Ahem. More flowers.
These are for Maggie Seaver.

And, hey, just seeing people
like you is tip enough for me.

Yeah.

- Jason, how sweet.
- Well, I...

"Maggie, dearest.

How could I have been so
wrong? I'm a complete wimp.

Love, Jason."

Oh, honey, don't you think you're
being a little hard on yourself?

No.